Fire Emblem 7, The Parody
by Yoshimo
Summary: A dark druid plots to return dragons to the world of Elibe. Only a select few can stop him, and they could...if their tacticians weren't incompetent or creepy as hell. Warning: Seemingly endless shonenai jokes, and one shoujoai pairing
1. PreProlouge: Preparing for the Worst

Yoshimo Studios Present, for your entertainment...  
**Fire Emblem 7, the Parody  
It was bound to happen**

Pre-Prologue: Preparing for the worst

_Expect the unexpected. More than likely, Yoshimo's going to drive it into the ground.  
-Chibi-Zellos, Co-Director of Yoshimo Studios_

* * *

"Hey guys!" Yoshimo cheered, rushing in. "I worked out the scripts for the Fire Emblem fic! Eliwood, Hector, Lyn, get over here!"

The three nobles from Fire Emblem 7 approached Yoshimo. Lyndis brushed some hair out of her eyes. "You got some scripts to show us, I assume?"

"I put my full trust in the three main characters of the game to inform me if this script will get some good reviews."

The three looked at each other, shrugged, and took a copy each. They flipped through the pages, smirking.

"Well" Hector chuckled, his armor jiggling loosely, "working on this project should prove some laughs."

The red haired noble nodded, and handed Yoshimo back his copy. "Well, I personally like it. Should provide some entertainment."

Yoshimo grinned in pride. "And you, Lyn?"

The green haired nomad girl scratched her chin. "Well, it's a good script and all, but nearing the end you have me becoming Kent's girlfriend..."

"And you don't like him?"

"No, he's a nice guy and all, but...well..." Lyn looked over out the door of Yoshimo's office, where Florina was waiting. Lyn blushed a bit, and scratched her cheek.

Yoshimo raised an eyebrow in a quizzical manner. "What are you..." He suddenly caught on. "Oh. ...OH! You mean you're...?"

Lyn nodded. "So...just you rework that bit, please?"

"Well, I'll try. But if we have two lesbians in the fic, we need at least ONE gay guy for balance. But who..."

All four looked at the door, as a short haired Lucius entered, carrying drinks and snacks. "Hi guys. Just bringing you some refreshments for your meeting."

The nobles and the director all grinned evilly.

"...Why are you looking at me like that?" Lucius asked, getting nervous.

* * *

"This. Is. HUMILIATING!" Lucius screamed. Miyuu was busy working on the seams of his robes. "You cast a Growth spell on my hair! I look like a GIRL now!"

"I could give you some breasts to complete the image" Miyuu teased.

"Shut up!" Lucius turned away, huffing, arms folded across his chest. "Next thing I know, you'll be wanting to apply glitter and eyeshadow."

Miyuu grinned evilly.

Lucius caught that grin out of the corner of his eye. "...you wouldn't dare..."

* * *

Yoshimo was about to call together some of the Fire Emblem crew to talk about the new, revised scripts, when a pissed Lucius burst in, seething.

"YOU NO GOOD, DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDREL!" he screamed, grabbing Yoshimo by the collar and throttling him.

Yoshimo was taken aback. "Wh...what's wrong, good monk?" he squeaked.

"I'll tell you what's wrong! You're turning me gay! And what's worse, a stereotypical uke!"

"You seriously called your character that?"

"Nah, that was Miyuu. BUT STILL!"

"W..well, I was about the summon in the others to talk about the script. I suppose I could invite you as well. But do realize that two of our characters are lesbians, so we need a gay guy or two for balance..." 

"Well you can make it anybody except me!" Lucius barked, before throwing Yoshimo back into his chair and storming out.

* * *

Yoshimo traced his finger along the rim of his glass, sitting solemnly in the snack bar. _I need someone to be gay. I need balance. But none of the Fire Emblem cast would want to be. Who...who..._

He looked up, and noticed two familiar faces a few booths away. A teenager in his earlier 15s, with short, purple hair, a few scratches across his arms and cheeks, and an older one, aged 19 maybe, with a red theme going for him.

Kozo Grausherra and Acentine Darass. Two of the newer and, as Yoshimo put it, scarier additions to Chibi-Zell's cast. The two were okay people, but what bothered Yoshimo the most was not the fact that they were gay (he was perfectly cool with that), it was the fact they weren't all that secretive about it.

Even now, the two of them had abandoned their drinks, and were necking in favor of drinking. Yoshimo shuddered a bit, and then was hit with a brilliant idea.

* * *

"Thank you all for coming" Yoshimo bowed in his seat. "I called you all here to talk about the script for my newest project: A parody of the game that made you all famous."  
Wallace and Hector gave each other the high five. Lyn smiled.

"If you'll notice, I also invited Kozo and Acentine, the former of them who will be helping us with this project. Now, let's get started..."

"We already looked over the first draft of the script" Eliwood continued, passing around revamped versions. "We hit a few snags, so Yoshimo worked on a second copy. A third will be in making, as soon as we get review from you guys."

Yoshimo nodded. "Right, first order of business: We need balance. As we have a lesbian pairing, Lyn and Florina..."

The two smiled, holding hands under the table.

"I have tried looking for a character who could be gay. As Lucius made it clear that he wanted no part in that..."

"Ya damn straight" Lucius growled.

"I have called Kozo here to see if he could help us. Kozo, would you like to..."

Kozo was a little preoccupied in a deep lip lock with Acentine.

"Kozo? Could you...guys, would you mind..."

Neither responded. Kozo was busy hooking one arm around the back of Acentine's neck to draw him closer, and his other was gently massaging his back.

"WOULD YOU TWO KNOCK IT OFF AND PAY ATTENTION!?!?!?"

The two broke off. "…What?" Acetine asked, acting totally innocent.

"No need to be shouting, we heard you" Kozo growled over, bearing his fangs. Below his breath, he added, "… ya pint-sized frog…"

Yoshimo sighed, and rubbed his temple. "As I was saying, Kozo, would you like to work with us in this project?"

Kozo put on a grin. "Sure. But we must make a deal."

"Alright, what?" Yoshimo asked, expecting to have to make another money deal.

"By then end of this, I'd better have learned _something_. And I don't just mean a random piece of knowledge, I mean something I can _use_…" as Kozo spoke, his gaze shifted backwards to Acentine. Yoshimo got the hint.

"And if you help me make it and I don't?"

"Then I sue for breach of contract and any money you make goes directly to me" Kozo grinned, holding out his contract.

Yoshimo paused, read it over, read the small print, and was about to sign when he saw the evil grin on Kozo's face. Quickly, he took out a small magnifying glass and caught a bit of smaller small print. 'Kozo gets all money regardless of the above…'

"Nice try" Yoshimo said with a sneer. Kozo sighed, before crossing out that bit. "Alright, good" he smiled, and singed.

With that, Kozo rolled up the contract and hid it in his jacket. "You'd better remember" he smirked. Acentine stepped up behind him.

"Why…?"

"Don't worry, darling… everything I do, I do for you, my ruby…" and with that, he caught Acentine in another lip lock.

"O...kay..." Yoshimo felt his stomach working up. "Moving...along...if any one has any comments about their character being portrayed in this, feel free to speak up. Keep in mind that this is a parody, and your personality might be heightened, or even altered."

As the group took their scripts, and looked through it, Serra let out a "hmm". She leaned over at Erk, and tugged at his shirt. "Do I really sound like this?"

Erk nodded. "I think your character may have even been tuned down."

"Gee, I had no idea...I thought you were just a moody kind of guy." Serra looked teary eyed at the teenaged magi. "Can you ever forgive me?"

"... ... I...suppose..."

"Aww! Thank you!" Serra gave Erk a little hug, before returning to the script.

The purple haired magic user blushed a bit, before burying his nose in the script.

Wallace suddenly broke the silent whispering by giving a huge, deep laugh. "I love it!" he said loudly. "It's just perfect!"

Yoshimo smirked. "I could've sworn you'd not like how I hyped your weakness of uuuuuubbbbeeerr sloooooooow speeeeeeed" Yoshimo ended in slow motion for a little taunt.

Wallace laughed again. "Ah, you're not to far off!We generals are usually as slow as hell!"

Yoshimo nodded, before noticing a raised hand. "Yes, Marcus?"

"A little complaint here..." the paladin pointed out. "They way you have me set out...as a Sir Holier -Than-Thou...I may be a Paladin, but that's just a title. I'm not like this at all..." he looked over at Eliwood. "Am I?"

Eliwood resisted the urge to tease the veteran by saying "yes", and just shook his head.

After a few more minutes of discussing among the characters about their personality in the parody and basic story elements, they had finally come to some conclusions.

Yoshimo put all his notes into a folder. "Thank you all for your input. If you would all just visit Miyuu and the others in costume, they'll get you ready for the production. I'll just finish off this final version of the script."

Matthew pushed his chair back, and stood up. Guy soon followed. "Well, it's good to know that you're just sticking to me owing Matthew a favor or two..." The myrmidon started.

"Four to be exact" Matthew pointed out.

"And not interested in him" Guy finished, giving Matthew a death glare. "He can be as annoying as Serra sometimes."

"Oh, that hurt, Guy. Truely" Serra pouted, before leaving the room. The thief and the oriental swordsman followed, as well as a lot of the other characters.

Hector rose as slowly as Wallace did, which caught the general's eye. "Oy, somethin' wrong, mister Hector sir?"

"In a bunch of other fics, I always got Florina. Why not this one?"

"Because she's very timid around men, and you'd give her a heart attack."

"I could easily say the same to you, mac. You can make yourself heard during the middle of a rock concert."

"You_wound me,_sir" Wallace laughed, before leaving. Hector sulked off, being the last one to leave.

Mainly because the only othertwo left had no intention of leaving just yet. Acentine was busy biting softly at Kozo's shoulder when Yoshimo screamed at them. "WOULD YOU TWO STOP THAT!?!?"

"Aww, Chibi-Zell always let us get away with this, you little…" Kozo whined, and if he had planned on saying anything more, it was hushed by another soft bite from Acentine.

"Yeah, why can't you be more like him?" Acentine pouted for a moment, before returning to his 'work'.

"Because Chibi-Zell is Chibi-Zell. NOW GET OFF OF MY DAMN TABLE!!"

* * *

"Um....Miss...Miss Miyuu?" Florina stuttered.

"Hmm?"

"Um...my costume..."

"What's wrong with it? Itchy? Tight?"

"Skimpy."

"How so?"

"It...reveals more of my legs, and my belly's showing."

"And that's a problem because.....?"

"I think we've found the problem here..."

* * *

"Thanks again for agreeing to work with us, Roland" Yoshimo said with a smile.

Roland Pegasus, star of the currently canceled Rise of a Champion series, adjusted his cape. "Well, with my main project canceled, I suppose I need to do something to pull my weight around..."

"Excellent. Okay, is everybody ready?"

"All set!" Andy said, giving the thumbs up.

"Ready" Ryuu said from the sound booth.

"Hanging on for dear life, but good to go!" Jez said, clinging to the rafters to keep from falling.

"Okay, Lyn, Roland, take your places for the first scene. And lights....camera...."

Yoshimo held his hands in a praying fashion. "Please, lord, don't let us screw this up...And action!" 


	2. Prolouge: The Girl from the Plains

**Fire Emblem 7, The Parody  
Prologue: The Girl from the Plains**

The young man slept soundly in the nomad tent. He had short, brown hair, a green tunic, and green leggings. A green cape was folded on a chair near by.

Snoring peacfully, the man began to roll over and...

"WHA!"

--CRASH--

He sat up, rubbing his backside and moaning.

"Ah, you finally woke up" said a soft, female voice. "I'm glad to see you are well."

The young man blinked, and looked up. Standing in front of him was a young woman, with green hair in a long ponytail, and a long, blue-green nomad dress.

He looked up. He was previously sleeping on a bunk bed. Judging from the blanket tipping over the edge, he was on the top bunk. "You put me on the top bunk for a reason, didn't you?"

"Yep."

"...You knew I was going to fall off, didn't you?"

"Yep."

"Thought it was going to be funny, didn't you?"

"Yep."

"...Was it?"

"Tee hee, yep!"

"sheesh..."

"My name is Lyn, of the Lorca Tribe. I found you unconscious in the middle of the plains."

"No kidding" the young man laughed, brushing his hair back a bit. "My name's Cecil, and I'm a traveler."

There was a pause in their conversation, before Cecil asked, "So, what's with the bunk bed? You find people unconscious in the plains often?"

"Erm..."

"And on a completely unrelated note" Cecil picked up a picture frame sitting on Lyn's bedside table, "who's this with you in this picture?"

"An old and dear friend of mine."

"Florina, eh?"

"You know her?"

"Well, her signature's here on the lower corner of the picture. Word for word, _Love, Florina_. ...Huh."

Lyn tugged on the collar of her dress, gulping.

"Ya know, if I didn't know any better, it looks like you two are hugging in this photo."

"And from this angle, it looks like you are this close to touching her..."

"That's quite enough out of you!" Lyn shouted.

"Alright, I'm sorry" Cecil quickly apologized. "...She is cute though."

"I concur."

"Come again?"

"I...erm....well...you see...(Earth Mother, what I'd give for a distraction right now...)"

Suddenly, a loud and mean voice filled the air. "I am Batta the Beast, and I have come to pillage your town!"

"There's only one person here, sir" said a quieter voice, but still gruff and to pillage your tent!"

"(That'll do just nicely). Sounds like trouble. Cecil, you stay here where it's safe."

"With your permission, m'lady, I'd like to accompany you," Cecil offered.

"Oh? Can you use a weapon?"

"With some degree. But my true talent lies in strategizing."

"A tactician, eh? Well, alright. Just be careful."

Cecil gave another laugh, before stepping forward. "I'm always carefu--WHA!"

Cecil landed flat on his face, after tripping over a discarded pot. "...You did not see that."

Lyn grinned slyly. "I did not see that."

"Good!"

* * *

"So, what's your plan, Cecil?"

The tactician looked out over the field. "There's only two of them. They don't look like much, but I wouldn't put it past them. Hmm...the little generic guy shouldn't prove too much of a problem, so here's my plan: Advance towards him, and stop. As he makes a charge at you, run him down."

"Sounds like a really crappy plan, but, okay."

"Gee, go STRAIGHT for my pride. Thanks a lot..."

"You're welcome." Before Cecil could shout at her some more, she dashed out towards the generic axe man, and skidded to a halt. "I just hope it works."

"Here I come!" shouted the bandit, charging at Lyn, axe held high. The nomad girl bent down, placing a hand on her hilt. She stood steady for a bit, before...

--SKERLT--

With a dash, Lyn zipped past the bandit, before sheathing her sword. She watched as the bandit fell flat on his face. "Wow. It worked" she muttered. "Guess I was wrong about you, Cecil. So, any master plan on getting rid of big ugly over there?"

"None, really."

"Okay, I was wrong about being wrong about you. sigh Alright. I'll just wing it."

"So, you challenge ME? Batta the Beast? You have no chance to defeat me, little girl!"

"We'll see." Lyn made an advance towards Batta, before coming a wee too close.

"Rah!" he shouted, swinging his axe in a forward arch. Lyn leapt back, avoiding the attack. She then pulled out her sword, and...vanished from sight.

"Wh...where did she go?" Batta blubbered.

"Kya-ya-ya-ya!" Lyn screamed, suddenly appearing in a burst of speed, slashing Batta all over.

"What? How....how did you--"

--Plop--

"What a weird way to go. With a plop."

* * *

"Good call on the plop, Ryuu."

"Thank you."

* * *

As Lyn and Cecil sat back down at her tent, having a bit to eat after the fight, Lyn brought up an interesting question. "Would it...would it be alright if I were to join you in your travels? You have experience in the ways of war, and I need someone at my back when I go into combat. I want to protect people from people like those we fought today, and to do that, I need to get stronger."

"Well, I'd be happy for you to come with, but you might want to ask your parents first. Come to think of it, why haven't I met any nomads out here asides from you?"

Lyn looked disheartened, some tears in her eyes. "My parents...my tribe...they were killed by bandits. A whole mass of them. Only ten of us, including myself, survived. And we spread out, to avoid being caught altogether."

"I'm begining to notice a pattern with you Fire Emblem stars."

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Anyway, sure you can come with. You think I could survive out there by myself? Have you even wondered why you found me unconscious on the plains?"

"What happened?"

* * *

"Stay away from me!"

Cecil was being pursued by a small group of rogues and axemen. "We want your stuff! Give it to us, and we'll let you live!"

"Like hell I'll trust my fate in the hand of you jerks! I'd rather di-aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

--THUD-- --Roll roll roll--

Cecil had successfully run himself off a cliff. Seeing as they found no point in pursuing anymore, the rogues and axemen just left.

"... ... ...paaaain..." Cecil moaned.

* * *

"Ah..." Lyn chirped, after listening to Cecil's explanation. 


	3. Chapter One: The Footsteps of Fate

**Fire Emblem 7, The Parody  
  
Chapter 01: Footsteps of Fate**  
  
And so, the strange duo of Lyn, swordmistress of the plains, and Cecil, a novice tacticion, set out into the world. Their first stop was Bulger, the commercial center of Sacae and the world's leading capital in bobble head dolls.  
  
Unknown to Lyn, it was there she'd make a discovery that would alter her life forever. As if we couldn't see that coming...

* * *

"Welcome to Bulger, the largest city in Sacae!" Lyn grinned, leading Cecil into the city. "We should stock up on supplies here."  
  
Cecil looked around. "Pretty crowded here" he observed. "We'd be best not to get..."  
  
--ZOOM--  
  
"..separated, right Lyn? ...Lyn? Lyn, where'd you go?"  
  
The swordswoman had up and vanished. A mere few seconds later, a man in red armor, riding atop a brown steed, rode up to Cecil. He had a serious look on his face, and short, orange hair. "Excuse me" he said, "but you didn't happen to see a torquoise and brown blur rush by a few seconds ago, did you? My partner spied your companion, and...well..."  
  
"Swept her off her feet?" Cecil asked with a smirk.  
  
"You could say that."  
  
The two looked for both of their companions, who were just around the corner. Atop another horse was a young man with short, brown hair, green armor, and a boyish face. Lyn was let down on the ground, and she was none too happy.  
  
"Oh my heart! What a dazzling vision of loveliness!" the man grinned. "O beautious one, would you not grace me with your name, or better yet, your company?"  
  
_Calm down to ten...1...2...3..._ the nomad girl thought to herself.  
  
"Where are you from, good sir knight, that would speak so freely to a stranger?" Lyn asked through clenched teeth.  
  
"Thought you'd never ask! I'm from Lycia, and hail from the Caelin canton, home to men of passion and fire!" He struck a dashing pose.  
  
_4....5.....6...  
_  
Lyn strained a joking smile. "Shouldn't that be home to callow oafs with loose tongues?"  
  
"Oh, you are even lovelier when you are cruel." The knight growled.  
  
_TEN!  
_  
"Okay, you're dead!" Lyn shouted, leaping at the knight.  
  
"Noooo!" Cecil screamed, grabbing Lyn's arm and holding her back.  
  
"Let me at him!" Lyn shouted, her free hand waving her sword around wildly. "I'll kill him! I'll pulverize him! I'll slaughter him if it's the last thing I do!"  
  
The orange haired knight rode next to the brown haired one. "Well, that's another fine mess you've gotten yourself into Sain."  
  
"Ah, Kent, my boon companion. Why need you be so severe?"  
  
"Well maybe if you'd hold your tongue I wouldn't HAVE to be so severe. We've a mission you idiot, so keep focus!"  
  
"Oh, but how could I in the presence of pure beauty? It would be discourteous !"  
  
"That's what you said for the past fifteen towns! Besides, what would YOU know of courtesy?"  
  
"P..pardon my friend, good sir knight" Cecil quickly apologized. "She's a little aggressive around people such as your companion..."  
  
"And I apologize for letting him charge off" Kent said apologetically. "Sometimes, I feel like I must keep him on a leash."  
  
Lyn started to calm down. "At least you seem honorable."  
  
Kent stared at Lyn, looking her up and down. "I'm sorry but...it feels like we have met before..."  
  
Lyn twitched. "I'm sorry?"  
  
Sain went teary eyed. "No fair, Kent! I saw her first!"  
  
"Argh..." Lyn's vein began to bulge. "Seems there are no more decent men among Lycia's knights! Let's go, Cecil! I'm out of patience!" She strode off.  
  
"Technically, I saw her long before either of you" Cecil bragged.  
  
"NOW!"  
  
"Coming Miss!"  
  
"Wait, hold on, I didn't mean it like that!" Kent begged with a shout. "... ... Sain, you smeg head!"  
  
Sain laughed. "Sure it wasn't like that" the younger knight sneered.  
  
"I'm NOT you!" He shook his head, and let out a sigh. "Come on, we have to follow her. She might be--"  
  
"Your girlfriend?" Sain asked accusingly.  
  
Kent glared daggers at Sain.  
  
"I was joking. But seriously, you think she's our mission? You've got to be kidding me!"  
  
"Only one way to find out..."  
  
"Full ahead!" Both shouted, nudging their horses to move.

* * *

"Ever get the feeling you're being watched?" Cecil asked.  
  
Lyn looked to the left. Then the right. Then behind. "Nope, we're in the clear." The two continued on.  
  
"Attack to kill?" asked one of the bandits hiding behind the bushes.  
  
"Wait for the signal."  
  
"RAGH!" shouted a loud, monstrous voice.  
  
"There's the signal. Let's go!"  
  
Lyn and Cecil froze, and reached for their weapons. Stepping out of the bushes was a large man with a tattered, dark green shirt, a thick stubble, and gray hair. A long scar traced his eye. "Heh heh, aren't you the pretty one?" he said in Lyn's general direction.  
  
"Yeesh, what is with you perverts today!?" Lyn griped.  
  
"Yer name is Lyndis, is it not?"  
  
Cecil looked over at Lyn. "Wasn't it Lyn?" he asked.  
  
"...Who...are you?" Lyn asked. The gruff looking man apparently struck a nerve.  
  
"Such a waste. An absolute waste. The things I do for gold...ah well. Time to die, darlin'."  
  
Cecil was frantically waving at the bandit. "Ex-ney on the arling-day!"  
  
Lyn's eye twitched. "Okay, NOW I'm pissed! You're dead!"  
  
"Come on out, boys!" the gruff man laughed.  
  
A group of four axemen came from nowhere.  
  
"...Ah crap" both tacticion and swordswoman cursed.  
  
"There she is!" shouted a familiar voice.  
  
As the bandit took a retreat to a more comfortable, chapter boss position, the two horsemen rode up to the two on foot. "We finally caught up to you" panted Sain.  
  
He scanned over the enemy horde, and growled. "Such numbers against a girl? Cowards, every last one of you!"  
  
"I've got a score to settle with you" Lyn grinned evilly, unsheathing her sword a tad.  
  
"Revenge later" Kent interupted. "Right now, let's concentrate on those ruffians. If it's a fight they want, let them look to me!"  
  
"Stand back!" Sain laughed, raising his spear high. "I'll handle this!" With that, he charged towards one of the axemen, spear raised.  
  
"He didn't even give me a chance to give my order of attack" Cecil whined.  
  
Sain pulled back his lance, and thrust forward.  
  
"Sain, wait!" Kent shouted.  
  
The spear drove through the bandit's chest, landing a killing blow. Sain looked over at the orange haired knight. "You say something?"  
  
"... ...I was going to say that a sword would've been a wiser choice of weapon, but, okay then..."  
  
"You know, a sword would be very much appreciated in all respect" Sain grinned.  
  
"...Mook." Kent sighed, and tossed Sain a sword, who caught it with ease.  
  
"Now then, it's my turn. Ya!" Kent kicked his horse's sides, urging it forward. He charged towards an enemy bandit, and sliced him down with one sword swing.  
  
Lyn and Cecil scaned the area for another bandit, when one leaped out and swung his axe. Lyn was quick enough to side step out of the way, and Cecil spun a long, iron pole in the way to block. The axeman leapt back.  
  
"Got him in my sights!" Sain laughed, turning his horse, and charging towards the bandit in the foliage.  
  
"Hold it Sain! Hold your attack!"  
  
With a swift swing, Sain was successful in taking down the bandit. He turned to Kent. "What is it this time?"  
  
"... You know what? Just forget it."  
  
"Hello? I'm still here" said Mister Stubble, waving the team over.  
  
"Ya know, if he were smart, he wouldn't have caught our attention" Cecil smirked.  
  
"And now he pays the price" Lyn nodded, clenching her sword tightly.  
  
All four made the advance towards Stubble Head.  
  
Said Stubble Head's eyes widened. "shit" he squeaked, before trying to run away.  
  
A guy on foot could never outrun a guy on horseback, now, could he? Well, he didn't. Kent drove his lance through Mister Stubble's chest.  
  
"Argh..there was only supposed to be one girl..." he wheezed, before keeling over.

* * *

"Now then" Lyn said, after the four had recovered from their battle, "you knights of Lycia...why were you so intent on finding me after I told you off?"  
  
"We've ventured from Lycia, in Caelin, in search of someone" Kent explained.  
  
"That's the country beyond the moutains in the southwest, ain't it?" Cecil asked.  
  
--Whap--  
  
Lyn whacked Cecil over the head with a wooden board. "No interrupting. Now, do continue."  
  
"--ahem-- Yes. We've come as messengers to the lady Madelyn, who eloped some 19 years ago" Kent continued.  
  
"Say, you're nineteen, aren't you Lyn?" Cecil asked again.  
  
--WHAP--  
  
Lyn whacked Cecil a little harder. "I said NO interupting!" She put the board away. "Now...Madelyn?"  
  
"Our lord, the marquess of Caelin's only daughter. He was heartbroken his own daughter would abandon him so. Eventually, he simply declared he had no daughter."  
  
"Took the easy way out, didn't he?" Cecil sneered.  
  
"You're just BEGGING for my worst, aren't you!?" Lyn shouted.  
  
"sorry" Cecil squeaked.  
  
"And just this year" Sain continued, "we got a letter from Lady Madelyn. It said that she, her husband and their daughter were living happily on the Sacae Plains. The marquess was estatic to learn he had a granddaughter of 18 years. I remember the smile on his face when he announced that he suddenly became a grandfather. The granddaughter's name is Lyndis."  
  
"Which was also the name of the marquess' wife before she passed away at a young age" Kent added in. "That she should bear that name thawed the marquess' heart."  
  
"Now his only wish is to meet his daughter's family at least once" Sain finished. "That's why we're here. We didn't know that Lady Madelyn died a few days after sending the letter. In fact, only a few days ago, when we reached Bulgar, did we hear the news."  
  
"But we also learned that all was not lost. The daughter still lives" Kent pointed out. "We heard she was living along on the plains."  
  
"Lyndis...the late Mister Stubble called me Lyndis..." Lyn started laughing. "Wait...you're not suggesting I'M the marquess' granddaughter, are you?"  
  
"Yep" Both knights nodded.  
  
"I mean, come on, is this the face of a princess?" She pointed to her face. Her beautiful, unscarred face. Fully matured, her eyes sparkled like moonlight. Her long, green haired danced in the breeze. Her face just radiated beauty.  
  
"Yes" all three men nodded.  
  
"The resembalnce to your mother is uncanny" Kent put in.  
  
"You knew her?" Lyn perked up.  
  
"I'm sorry to say, I never met her directly" Kent shook his head. "I have seen her protraits in Castle Caelin."  
  
Cecil raised his hand. "Yes Cecil?" Lyn asked calmly.  
  
"May I speak now and not get pulverized?"  
  
"Yes, Cecil, you may."  
  
"How could a common thug like 70% Stubble have known that you were Lyndis?" Cecil asked.  
  
Both knights thought, before Sain punched the palm of his hand. "He must've been a henchman for Lord Lundgren!"  
  
"Lundgren?" Lyn asked, tilting her head. "Who's that?"  
  
"He's the marquess' younger brother" Cecil pointed out. "He wants the throne for himself, like all members of the royal family. And like all younger brothers, he's planning to make sure no one sits on the throne except for him."  
  
"How did you know this?" Kent asked.  
  
"I've...been to Caelin on occasion...during my travels" Cecil stuttered. "And I...sorta...picked up on this kind of thing? Ehe..."  
  
None of the three were buying it.  
  
"CUT!"

* * *

"Lundgren?" Lyn asked, tilting her head. "Who's that?"  
  
"He's the marquess' younger brother" Kent explained. "Everyone assumed that Lady Madelyn was gone forever. This made Lundgren the heir to the marquess' title."  
  
"To be blunt, milady" Sain continued, "your existence is an obstacle to your granduncle's ambitions."  
  
"But...I don't want to inherit any title!" Lyn said quickly. "You know where Caelin would go if I were in charge? Straight down the toilet, that's where!"  
  
"Unfortunately, your granduncle is not one to believe that" Sain sighed. "The attempts on your life will, I fear, persist."  
  
"And what do you suggest we do?" Cecil asked.  
  
"Accompany us to Caelin. Continuing on your own is dangerous" Kent explained.  
  
"Well, for lack of anything better to do" Cecil laughed, "we might as well go with."  
  
"Excellent" Sain grinned. "We leave tomorrow!"  
  
"...It's ten in the morning" Lyn pointed out.  
  
"Okay...we leave after lunch. Sound good?"  
  
"I'm cool with that."  
  
"Sounds good to me."  
  
"--sigh-- Whatever."


	4. Chapter Two: Sword of Spirits

**Fire Emblem 7, the Parody  
  
Chapter 02: Sword of Spirits**  
  
Yoshimo: We apologize for the fool-hardy idea that the answering reviews segment was a good idea for this fic. We will make note not to use it again. Please do not judge this parody because of it.  
  
Chibi-Zell: I told you that was a bad idea. Why is it you never listen to me when it matters?  
  
Yoshimo: Oh shut up.

* * *

A small altar lies on the outskirts of Bulger. This ancient temple, sacred to the people of Sacae, has long been known for it's powerful bond to the world of spirits. And don't forget to drop by on Potluck Tuesdays. Those priests sure know how to cook.  
  
Before beginning their journey, our travelers come to this temple to pray for their well being, and get some of that tasty, holy hand-made food. Now them's good eatin'. ahem If we couldn't already guess, Lyn's life would take another turn, as her hand would be led to a grand inheritance.

* * *

"So, you want us to take a break, because of a sacred sword that lies in this here shrine?" Cecil asked.  
  
Lyn nodded.  
  
"And you wish to pray here because of your Sacae background?" Kent continued.  
  
"Exactly right."  
  
"What's in it for us?" Sain asked, eyebrow raised.  
  
"Do the words: Potluck Tuesday mean anything to you?"  
  
"Sold!" both Cecil and Sain cheered.  
  
"Oy..." Kent sighed.

* * *

Meanwhile, in said temple, a group of ruffians had burst in. The one with the sword stepped forward, standing face to face with the old priest. "Okay, old man!" he barked. "Hold your tongue and stay where you are!"  
  
"Eh? Wh...whazat?" the old man asked.  
  
"I said _Hold your tongue and stay where you are_!"  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"HOLD YOUR TONGUE AND STAY WHERE YOU ARE!"  
  
"No need to holler, sir, for I hear just fine."  
  
"Than give me the Mani Katti!" the swordsman shouted.  
  
"The manicotti? You want our noodles? ...Well, it's Potluck Tuesday, so if you mind waiting in line with the other people who will be arriving soon..."  
  
"THE MANI KATTI, THE MANI KATTI! MAN-A KA-TEA!"  
  
"Oooooh" The old man grinned. He then frowned. "Oh. No way, you! You're not getting it! It is a sacred blade under divine protection, so nya!"  
  
"What good is a sword if you don't use it?" the swordsman growled, before spitting on the sacred carpet.  
  
"Use it? In combat? Sacrilege!"  
  
"Sacrilege? That's like getting a fork but eating with your hands! My name is Glass! My swordplay is peerless, and the gods fear my name!"  
  
"If that's so, why do you have a generic sprite."  
  
"I...just....SHUT UP! If I want this sword, this sword I shall have! Now out of my way!"  
  
--Shove--  
  
--Thud--  
  
"Oooh, my brittle old man hip..."  
  
Glass grinned, and approached the Mani Katti, grinning. "It's more magnificent than I imagined! A sword this swordy belongs to a swordsman of my swordity skills."  
  
As you can see, Glass had a one track mind.  
  
"Now, I'll just wrap my hand around the hilt, and pull it out, and I'll be home by five." He started pulling. "Yes...just...one quick pull and...ehe...maybe home by six...neeeeARGH!" He fell over from exhaustion, but the Mani Katti stayed in it's place.  
  
"The spirits of the blade have judged you" the old priest informed, "and have found you wanting. Better luck next reincarnation, buddy."  
  
"... ...grrrr" Glass growled, drawing forth his sword.  
  
"Meep" the old man squeaked, before hiding himself in the broom closet.  
  
"Stupid spirits" Glass spat. "I'll tear this altar down stone by STONE I'm so pissed right now!"  
  
Now, a woman in her late 30s overheard all this, and ran for help.

* * *

Lyn blinked, as a woman rushed towards them. "I beg your pardon, m'lady. You wouldn't happen to be going to the altar to the east, would you?"  
  
"Yeah, what of it?" Lyn asked.  
  
"I see where this is going" Cecil muttered.  
  
"Then you must hurry and help the priest there!"  
  
"I knew it..."  
  
"I saw a band of local ruffians head there not too long ago. They seemed set on stealing the sacred sword!"  
  
"They're going to steal the Mani Katti!?" Lyn nearly lost it. "Over my dead body!"  
  
"So, what's the plan, chief?" Kent asked. "...chief?"  
  
Cecil returned for the group of houses nearby. "Okay, I asked around. There's a broken bit of wall near the front of the temple. We break through that, we should get by those bandits no problem. And to make absolute certain we're in the clear, we'll need a distraction. But who..."  
  
All three looked at Cecil.  
  
"...What?"

* * *

"You guys suck, do you hear me? SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK!"  
  
Cecil was busy running for his life as the axemen chased him everywhere. "Just keep 'em busy" Lyn shouted over the noise of Sain and Kent's lances driving into the temple wall.  
  
Soon, the wall came tumbling down, a path way opened to Glass. Sain rode in.  
  
"You dare challenge me?" Glass asked. "What chance do you think you have against my powers of uber swordplay? You cannot survive the awesome-ness of my swordity attack."  
  
As I said, one track mind.  
  
"Time to die, bandit boy!" Sain laughed, pulling his spear back. He let out a grunt, before he thrust it forward, knocking the sword out of Glass' hand.  
  
Lyn leapt into the fray, sword unsheathed. She slashed across Glass' chest, before Sain made another thrust, landing a killing blow.  
  
"You...you...urr...urgh...sword" Glass moaned, before keeling over.  
  
The broom closet door clicked open. The old man stepped out, and stared hard at Lyn. "Your clothing...you are of the Lorca Tribe, yes?"  
  
"I'm the chieftain's daughter" Lyn informed. "You okay, sir?"  
  
"Thanks to you, I'm perfectly..." the old man took a few more steps forward, before slipping.  
  
--CRACK--  
  
"...Ooooh! My brittle old man hip!"  
  
"And the sword" Sain asked, almost not seeming to care. "Is it all right?"  
  
"Yes, I have sealed it safely away mister centaur" the priest nodded.  
  
"...Right, I'll just go check on Cecil now.." Sain rode out.  
  
"Until I remove the spell, the sword cannot be drawn. Now, as a token of my gratitude..."  
  
"You're going to give me the offerings of gold the people tend to give you?" Lyn asked, hands clapped together, and grinning.  
  
"You may touch the Mani Katti."  
  
"...That's it? We risk our necks and all I get is a chance to TOUCH the sword!?"  
  
"Not just any sword. It's a SACRED sword!" the priest grinned.  
  
"Scrooge..." Lyn grumbled, before wrapping her hand around the hilt. She suddenly remembered why she was here in the first place, and gave a prayer.  
  
There was a flicker of light from the scabbard. "Hm?" the old priested hmmed.  
  
There was a flash of light. "The sword!" Lyn yelped. "Its...glowing!"  
  
"It must be the power of your soul.." The priest pondered. "The spirits have looked into your heart, and are calling out to you."  
  
"Meaning...?"  
  
"You are the destined owner of the sword. You are the one to wield the Mani Katti."  
  
"..." Lyn just stared.  
  
"It's the sword's wish" the priest explained. "If you want proof, dr--"  
  
"WHOO!" Lyn cheered, dancing around. "I got the Mani Katti! I got the Mani Katti!" she sang.  
  
"...draw the sword..." the priest finished.  
  
Lyn nodded, and pulled it out. "It came out effortlessly" she grinned.  
  
"Never thought I'd see the wielder of the Mani Katti in my life. I am indeed fortunate to see the sword reach your hands."  
  
"Not as fortunate as me, 'cause I got the sword to end all swords!"  
  
"...Well, I wouldn't go that far...But yes, it is pretty dern powerful. It is time for you to go. You have many ordeals to face, Lyn. Take your sword, and face your destiny head on."  
  
"You got it!" Lyn cheered, before heading outside. There she saw Cecil, cuts all over his cape and tunic, panting. A long, silver staff was held in his hands in a death grip.  
  
"Thanks a lot, Lyn" he moaned. "Leaving me to deal with those axemen by myself!"  
  
Lyn grinned. "But you beat them, right?"  
  
Cecil smirked. "So?"  
  
"So that means you're a pretty good fighter" Lyn pointed out.  
  
"Heh. I suppose that's true."  
  
Sain looked at the sword in Lyn's hand. "So, that's the Mani Katti. The blade without an equal" he whistled in awe.  
  
"It's kinda weird that the most famous sword of the Sacae would be in my hand" Lyn said with a nervous chuckle.  
  
"Not so" Kent shook his head. "Many other legends speak the same. Special weapons calling out to their destined owners." He got off his horse, and walked over to Lyn. "If I may..." he said, holding his hand forward.  
  
Lyn nodded, and placed the Mani Katti in Kent's hand.  
  
--THUD--  
  
"For a katana..." Kent grunted, trying to pry his hand out from under the hilt. "It's pretty heavy..."  
  
"No it's not" Lyn said. She took the sword. "See? It's as light as a feather."  
  
"See? More proof" Sain pointed out. "Kent can't use it, and I'm as sure as hell neither I nor Cecil can either."  
  
"A sword only I can use..." Lyn breathed. She grinned, sheathed it, and gave it a hug. "I'll treasure it forever!"  
  
"...So...when's Putluck Lunch?" Cecil asked.  
  
"In about an hour" Lyn pointed out.  
  
Cecil's stomach rumbled. "An hour better pass quickly. I'm DYIN' here!"

* * *

Meanwhile, in Castle Caelin, bad things were happening.  
  
"How did you know it was that bad?" asked a soldier by the gates.  
  
Becaue I heard the ominous music.  
  
A man with long, silvery hair, purple armor, and a silver cape, bolted from his throne. "What!? The daughter of Madelyn still lives!?" he demanded.  
  
"Y..yes Lord Lundgren" the soldier bowed. "The girl is under the protection of Sain and Kent. If we let them be..."  
  
"Bah. Northern Bern is said to be full of bandits. She is but a little girl. She'll never survive." Lundgren sat back down. "What I am concerned with is my older brother. His life must be ended quickly. There must be no problems with plan _PTBTH_." He said that last part with a rasberry.  
  
"Plan _PTBTH_, sir?" the soldier asked, rasberrying himself.  
  
"Poision That Bastard To Hell" Lundgren explained.  
  
"Oh. That plan. Yeah, he's still clueless to it and continues to drink it. The marquess' death, due to...sudden illness" he said with quotation marks, "is not far off."  
  
"Than how come he looks as perky as that old fart can get?" the purple armored general asked.  
  
"Erm...beats me. Maybe he's got an iron cast stomach?"  
  
"Go check on the poison downstairs."  
  
The soldier nodded, stood up, and left the throne room.  
  
"(Say, why does the noble's brother always want to bump him off and take the throne for himself?)" asked one of the doorway guards.  
  
"(I dunno. Maybe it's in the job description.)"

* * *

The soldier went downstairs, and into the castle's secret laboratory that Lundgren had erected a few years ago for just such an emergency. Another soldier was busy with a vial of a light green liquid.  
  
"Hey, why isn't the poison killing off the marquess like it should be?" the one who spoke to Lundgren asked.  
  
"Beats me" said the other. "Maybe he has an..."  
  
"Oh, give me that!" the first one shouted, before coming down the rest of the stairs and taking the vial. He looked it over, sniffed it, and even drank it. He liked his lips, before putting it down. "You idiot! This isn't poison! It's Mountain Dew!"  
  
"Erm...oops?"  
  
SLAP  
  
"Now get the poison. POISON!"  
  
"Yes sir..." 


	5. Chapter Three: Band of Mercenaries

**Fire Emblem 7, The Parody  
  
Chapter 03: Band of Mercenaries**  
  
The secrets of her past revealed by the words of two knights of Lycia. Now, to meet her grandfather, Lyn heads west, to Lycia, and her destiny. Sounds like something from a bad adventure novel, doesn't it?  
  
A mountain range seperates the Sacae plains from Bern. There are many, many bandits lurking here, the worst of which are known as the Taliver. They wreck havoc on both Sacae and Bern, and their savagery knows no bounds. Not unlike the next bandit group if you think about it.  
  
On her tenth day away from the plains, Lyn witnesses their atrocities herself.

* * *

Sain's jaw dropped. Kent's horse jerked a bit. Lyn shivered. Cecil looked all over the town that once was in horror. "It's like someone put this town in a blender and pushed the mix button..."  
  
"Why doesn't their marquess do anything to help?" Sain wondered aloud.  
  
"Taliver Mountain is home to a gang of vicous, ruthless bandits" Lyn explained. "No marquess holds power here. My village was near here, on the other side of the mountain. My people....it only took one night for the Taliver bandits to...the survivors numbered less than ten, including me. They're heartless bastards, and I'll kill them all, I swear it!"  
  
All three others just looked at Lyn, and bowed their heads in respect.  
  
"Someday, when I am stronger, I shall return" Lyn explained, "and I will complete my life's mission."  
  
"When the time comes, bring me with you" Sain requested.  
  
"Sain..."  
  
"Don't forget me, either" Kent said, actually smiling.  
  
"Kent..."  
  
"And me" Cecil said, smirking. "I can give those bandits what for."  
  
"You guys...I...thank you."

* * *

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, a young girl with long, purple hair, and a long, white gown, with bits of blue armor on the chest, shoulders, waist and knees, was being held by the arm tightly by a big man with short, brown hair, and a red head band.  
  
"Alright, little lady!" he said in her face. "What are you going to do to apologize? Huh!?"  
  
"Uh...I...that is...I..." the girl stuttered.  
  
"Hey, she's quite the catch, eh, buddy?" said another bandit. "I bet the boss'd give us a pretty penny for her."  
  
"Yeah, she roughed me up a bit, so I think fair's fair. It's no more than she deserves."  
  
"I...I..."  
  
"Check to see if she's good!" said yet another bandit.  
  
The big one nodded, before brushing a hand along her cheek. "Nice, soft skin...obviously freash meat...good hair...hmm, 'cause of this armor, can't check her chest."  
  
The girl blushed.  
  
"What do you suppose we do with her flying mule?" one of the bandits asked.  
  
"I dunno. Cook it?"  
  
"Too valuable."  
  
"No!" the girl screamed. "Don't you dare touch her!"  
  
One of the bandits slapped her. "You watch your mouth, girle!"  
  
"Do what you will to me, just...let her go. Please, I beg of you..."  
  
The bandit with the grip on her arm laughed. "Silly twit! Pegasi can only be found in Ilia. They're rare beasts, worth more than you by far! We can sell it and retire in style!"  
  
"No, you...you can't!" the girl begged, on the verge of tears.  
  
With a violent jerk, the bandit dragged the girl along. "Come on, let's go."

* * *

At that moment, our four heroes rounded the bend. Kent raised an eyebrow. "What's this? ...Be on your guard, Lyndis. There seems to be some sort of commontion over there."  
  
Lyn blinked, before taking a look. She gasped at the sight of a white, winged horse. "That's...a...pegasus! Could it be..." She rushed forward, tossing caution to the wind.  
  
"I just said...ah damn it" Kent grumbled.  
  
"Florina?" Lyn said over the gap between the two groups she was closing. "Florina, is that you?"  
  
Florina perked. "Ah! Lyn?" she asked, eyes filled with disbelief. She stamped on the bandit's foot.  
  
"YEOW! Mother 'a peral!" the bandit yelped, as Florina ran over to Lyn.  
  
Lyn beamed widely. "What's a cute kid like you doing in a run down joint like this?"  
  
Florina stopped within arm's reach of Lyn, folding her hands together. Her eye's watered with tears, a huge grin plastered on her face. "Lyn is it...really you? I...I..."  
  
Lyn took a few steps closer. "Come now, no crying!" she said, still smiling.  
  
"I'm sorry" Florina said, wiping the tears away. She looked back at Lyn, smiling widely.  
  
Kent, Sain and Cecil came towards the two women. "You are acquaintances?" Kent asked.  
  
"She's a friend of mine" Lyn explained. "Her name is Florina, a Pegasus Knight in training from Ilia. She's a little uncomfortable around men."  
  
Florina raised her hand up to give a light wave. "H...hi..." she stuttered.  
  
--Ting--  
  
Cecil looked around for the source of the "ting", before noticing that it was Sain. "...oh no."  
  
Sain leapt off his horse, and took Florina's hand gently in his, and getting on one knee. "Oh, beautiful Florina, a friend of Lyn is a friend of I, Sain, knight of Lyica."  
  
Florina's face paled. Her eyes widened. "... ...EEEEK!" she screamed, getting away from Sain, and behind Lyn.  
  
Who proceded to beat Sain with a piece of rubble. "I JUST SAID SHE WAS UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND MEN! DID YOUR HORMONES BLOCK OUT YOUR HEARING!?!?!?"  
  
"Ow! Please! Sorry! Mommy!" Sain whined.  
  
Kent and Cecil just sighed.  
  
Lyn calmed down, and looked over her shoulder at Florina. "So, what happened here?"  
  
As the three men backed off, Florina twiddled her thumbs. "Well...um...when I heard that you had left...I..decided to follow you. Then I saw this village...I flew down to ask if they had news of you. I didn't see these two, and...well..."  
  
"Did you land on one of them?"  
  
"Only a little..."  
  
"AHA!" shouted one of the bandits.  
  
Florina yelped, and tried to hide herself perfectly behind Lyn.  
  
"She admits her fault!" the bandit continued. "She stepped on my buddy, and now she's going to pay!"  
  
"Did you apologize Florina?" Lyn asked.  
  
"In exacts or in general?" Florina requested.  
  
"General, please."  
  
"Many times over."  
  
"And in exacts?"  
  
"257. They just wouldn't listen..."she began to sniff, some droplets of water hitting Lyn's shirt.  
  
"Don't cry. It's alright..." Lyn said, rubbing Florina's arm soothingly, even while the pegasus knight was standing behind her.  
  
"Lyn..."  
  
Lyn glared at the bandit who stepped forward. "Listen, she's obviously sorry. This is the most sorry I've ever seen her. So can't you just let that pass? You don't appear to be injured or anything."  
  
"No change!" said the bandit with the red handband, finally recovered from the attack on his foot. "The girl comes with us! By force if need be!"  
  
The two suddenly rushed off. "Come on out, boys!" they could here the first one say. "The men are fair game, but not on scar on the girls, you hear me!?"  
  
Pouring from the various streets was a small band of bandits, armed with axes, bows and swords alike.  
  
"Cecil, it's time we fight back!" Lyn shouted, whipping out her sword.  
  
"Lyn...I..." Florina quipped up.  
  
"You're a pegasus knight, aren't you? That means you can fight, can't you?" Lyn asked.  
  
Florina just stared, before nodding, seemingly turning more fierce. Which still didn't look like much.  
  
"Let's go, Cecil. We've got some bandits to take care of" Lyn grinned her evil, combat grin.  
  
"Um..Lyn? Who's that?" Florina asked, tugging at Lyn's arm.  
  
"Hmm? Oh, this is Cecil. He's only a beginer, but he's our tactician."  
  
Cecil grinned, and gave a bow. "At your service, m'lady" he said gallently.  
  
"Um..ah...pleased to meet you" Florina squeaked, before running over and leaping onto her pegasus.  
  
"It'd be best if we get these villagers out of here. Lyn, Florina, you start telling people to run while they've got the chance" Cecil gave the order.  
  
Both women nodded, before running and flying, respectively, off.  
  
Lyn rushed into one part of the village. "Is anybody here?" she asked loudly.  
  
"Nobody here but us chickens!" came an answer.  
  
--SMACK--  
  
"Damnit, Carl...leave us alone, you thugs!" came another voice. "We've got no more gold for you, so piss off!"  
  
"Hold it! We're not bandits!" Lyn assured. "We're here to help!"  
  
"...Hold on, guys, I'm going to check this out."  
  
Stepping outside was a young man, maybe in his late teens, with short, brown hair, a blue shirt, a green, left shoulder guard, and white shorts. He carried a bow, and a quiver was on his back. "Not bandits, eh?" he asked. "So, who are you?"  
  
"My name is Lyn" the nomad girl informed. "My companions and I were just passing through here...We saw the bandits about. We were going to deal with them, but...we need you to go warn the villagers."  
  
"Hold on a sec" the man begged. "I'm a traveler of sorts myself. The name's Wil. These people've been very nice to me, so mind if I fight with you?"  
  
"Not at all. We can use all the helping hands we can get." Lyn took Wil's hand, and shook it. "Welcome aboard!"  
  
As Lyn and the newly recurited Wil came back to the team, Florina did too, carrying a large sack of something. She was humming a cheery tune to herself, before noticing one of the new faces. Or rather, the bow and arrow he was carrying.  
  
She dropped her bag. "EEEK! ARCHER!" she leapt behind Lyn.  
  
"Florina, calm down, it's just Wil" Lyn assured with a smile.  
  
"But he's got a bow!"  
  
"But he's on our side."  
  
"But he's got a BOW!"  
  
Wil blinked, before laughing softly and rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm sorry to have frightened you" he apologized. "I understand how you must fell about ranged weapons like my bow."  
  
"Oh...I'm...I'm sorry..." Florina said timidly. "But just....looking at a bow...f...frightens me...ever so much..."  
  
"I understand" Wil nodded. "But you need only fear enemy archers, not our own."  
  
"Y..yes...of course..."  
  
With that, the team started to spread out, going on the attack. None of the swordsmen saw Florina's arrial assult, the axemen fell to Wil's silent arrow swarm, and Lyn, Sain and Kent just started slashing left and right.  
  
Soon, all that was left was the leader of this group, the bandit with the red head band. "Grr..." he growled. "If these guys don't kill me, the boss will..."  
  
"Um...excuse me..." said the soft, timid voice of Florina.  
  
"Huh? Oh, it's you. Changed your mind about coming with us?"  
  
"Well...actually...no. But...this really is...my fault. Really. So, can we..."  
  
"Can we WHAT!? The Titanic's distress signals came in faster than you!"  
  
"I'm sorry. Can we...can we just stop fighitng now?"  
  
The bandit just stared. "You've got to be kidding...after all the humiliation I went through? No way!" He advanced towards her.  
  
"Eeek!"  
  
"You're coming with us! I promise you that! Now give yourself--"  
  
He ran smack dab into Florina's lance, which she was holding forward without looking. "...up" he wheezed, before falling over.  
  
Lyn smirked, before sheathing her sword. "Well, that takes care of that."  
  
"Lyn!" Florina cheered, rushing over to her, and leaping at her with a hug.  
  
Lyn laughed a bit, catching Florina and spinning her around a bit. "Florina, why did you follow me? You should've known it would be dangerous."  
  
"Do you remember the knighting ceremony of the Pegasus Knights of Ilia?"  
  
"Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything?"  
  
"I have no clue. But a few weeks after that, my teacher told me to join a band of freelance soldiers to further my training."  
  
"Is that what brought you here, Florina?"  
  
The purple haired knight nodded. "I wanted to talk to you before I set out. But when I went to Sacae, I heard you left with some strangers, and..."  
  
"You were worried for me?" Lyn asked, tilting her head. "That's really sweet, but I'm more worried about you."  
  
"M..me?" Florina stuttered, a small bit of blush on her cheeks.  
  
"Most mercenaries are men, right? Bands of men? I can't even imagine you being around that kind of crowd and feeling comfortable."  
  
"I know...it's just...I always dreamed of becoming a pegasus knight. I imagined I'd somehow...work it out. Somehow. After today...I'm just not sure anymore." She sniffed, and looked at her feet. "Maybe I should just give up..."  
  
"Florina...don't cry..."  
  
"Yes! There's no reason to give up your dream!" said Sain, leaping off his horse.  
  
"Hoo-boy..." Cecil moaned. "Here it comes."  
  
Again, Sain took Florina's hand in his. "Lovely Florina! I have the most brilliant idea!"  
  
Kent sighed. "Sain...you're not suggesting..."  
  
"You should come with us! With the addition of Wil, here, we're a fine group of freelance soldiers!"  
  
"Wait...did you just include me?" Wil asked.  
  
"Of course!" Sain declared. "We were destined to meet here! It was fate! Lyndis' band of mercenaries is as good a training group as any you will find!"  
  
"Sain, this is no joking matter!" Kent barked.  
  
Florina was able to get away from Sain was Kent was busy scolding him. She looked over at Lyn. "Lyndis? Um, Lyn? Mercenaries?"  
  
"I can give you the details later. This is all a bit rushed. However, Sain is right. Will you come with us, Florina?"  
  
Florina beamed. "Travel with you Lyn? Truly? I would be so...so happy!"  
  
"Fantasic! Welcome aboard, oh beautious Florina!" Sain said, approaching the girl.  
  
"EEK!" Florina screamed for the upteenth time, hiding behind a bush this time. "Stay back! Don't get too close!"  
  
Sain sighed dreamingly. "Ah, so beautiful, and yet so modest!"  
  
"Sain..." Lyn growled, pulling out another piece of rubble. "You have till the count of ten. 1...2..."  
  
"gulp"  
  
"TEN!" The nomad girl leapt at Sain, and started beating the ever loving crap out of him.  
  
Cecil and Kent just watched, sweat drops on the sides of their heads. "I beg your forgiveness" Kent said to Cecil, "calling us mercenaries."  
  
"Eh, no worries" Cecil shrugged. "Lyn probably would never forgive us if we left Florina behind. Still, judging from her jerky behavior, she'll need special attention."  
  
"Perhaps we could provide it?" Kent asked. "She's not as nervous around you or I."  
  
"Nah, I think Lyn's got it all covered" Cecil pointed out.  
  
"How would you know?"  
  
"She has a picture of Florina back at her old home in the plains."  
  
"Huh..."  
  
"Yeah.."  
  
"Say, Lyn..." said Wil, bending down near where she and Sain were fighitng.  
  
The dust cloud passed, as Lyn had a hold on Sain's collar. "Huh?" she asked.  
  
"Is it really alright if I travel with you?" he asked.  
  
Lyn grinned, and let go of Sain. Florina crept out of the bushes, and stood behind Lyn. "Yes, of course" the nomad girl nodded. "If you're willing, Wil!"  
  
"Pun intended?"  
  
"Pun intended."  
  
"Anyway, I'm very grateful. Truth be told, all my money was stolen, and I'm...at a bit of a crossroads, you see. I would be honored to count myself as one of Lyndis's Legion!"  
  
Lyn chuckled, and looked over her shoulder at Florina. "_Lyndis's Legion_? This is getting stranger and stranger every day..." 


	6. Chapter Four: In Occupasion's Shadow

**Fire Emblem 07, the Parody  
  
Chapter 04: In Occupasion's Shadow**  
  
After kicking the bandits' sorry butts, Lyn and the gang continue westward. They stop for the night at a ruined fortress.  
  
The Ganleon bandits are in a rage after their brothers fell to Lyn's sword. They race in pursuit of the companions. Their angry foot steps sound closer and closer...  
  
{cue Jaws theme}

* * *

Wil and Sain pressed on in the forest, looking for a suitable piece of land to sit down and sleep in. Wil spotted a run down fortress. "This should do!" he grinned. "Tonight's bed!"  
  
"This run down, mildewy piece of crap?" Sain complained. "Is this the best we can do? Come on, Wil, you've got to be yanking my chain!"  
  
"The bandits keep everything run down, mildewy and pieces of crap" Wil informed. "Compared to the village we just came from, this is Castle Caelin. 'sides, no one worries about travelers. And there's a whole mess of us."  
  
The other members of the _Lyndis Legion_(tm) approached. "This will be fine" Lyn nodded. "Who prefers the inside of an inn anyway?"  
  
"Me" Sain interupted.  
  
"Ditto" Cecil pointed out.  
  
"You didn't let me finish..." Lyn muttered, growling. "I prefer places where I can feel the wind blow through my hair."  
  
Florina smiled, and rested a head on Lyn's shoulder. "As long as I'm by Lyn's side, I'll be fine."  
  
Sain suddenly turned on the charm. "And for your protection, your man-at-arms, Sain, will be at your side, ladies. Trust me, the only screaming you'll be doing tonight is after I..."  
  
--GACK--  
  
Kent grabbed Sain by the collar, and dragged him off. "Come on, Sain. You and I are taking watch duty."  
  
"But...but...but..." Sain whimpered.  
  
"I SAID you and I are taking watch duty!"  
  
"You're no fun!"

* * *

"You put the soup in the pot, and you toss the can away" Cecil sang to himself, while doing this.  
  
--Bonk--  
  
"Ow!" yelped Wil.  
  
"You put the peas in the stew, and you toss the can away."  
  
--Bonk--  
  
"OW!"  
  
"You put the meat in the stew, and you toss the can away."  
  
--Bonk--  
  
"OW! Cecil, I'm right here!"  
  
"You put the mushrooms in the stew, and you toss the can away."  
  
--Bonk--  
  
"Oh for god's sake!"  
  
As Cecil was busy unknowingly(?) tossing cans at Wil, Sain and Kent were staring out into the open field before the fortress. Well, Kent was, anyway. Sain, however, was busy looking back INTO the fortress, right at Lyn and Florina, who were catching up on old times.  
  
Kent grabbed Sain's arm, and turned him to face the open yonder. After a few seconds, Sain turned around again. And again, Kent turned him around. This continued until the two were going to be next called upon.  
  
A shuffling of feet came from the back of the fortress. "Begging your pardon, m'lady" came a tired voice.  
  
That caught Lyn's attention, as she looked at the back of the fortress. "Who's there?"  
  
A young woman with long, brown hair, in a ponytail, stepped out of the shadows. She had a tourqouise shirt, and a white skirt. "I...forgive my intrusion...my name is Natalie. I live in a village not far from here."  
  
She took a few more steps forward, before stopping. "Oh! Ow..."  
  
Florina stood up, and caught the woman before she fell over. Lyn walked over to the both of them. "Are you okay?" she asked Natalie. "...your leg..."  
  
The leg in question was covered with blotches, and a bit of bone was sticking out.  
  
"Don't worry" she assured. "It's fine."  
  
"The heck it is!" Florina said a little more louder than usual.  
  
Both stared at her.  
  
"S..sorry..."  
  
"It's from a childhood sickness" Natalie explained. "I can't travel far on it, but it doesn't trouble me much."  
  
"So...what are you doing here in the first place?" Lyn asked.  
  
"I'm looking for my husband...I heard he was in this area. He said he was going to get some money to have my leg mended, get a good house, some furnature..." she shook her head. "Sorry. Kinda wound myself up in the moment...anyway, he left the village, and hasn't come back. He's a sweety deep down, but I'm worried that he may be caught up in something dangerous."  
  
She dug into her pocket. "Here's a sketch of him. It's a poor likeness at best, but..."  
  
Lyn took the picture, and stared at it, lower lip twitching. Her pupils shrank a bit, and she let out an "ehe". The picture looked like it was drawn by a five year old, at best.  
  
"Kinda reminds me of the pictures I drew when I was a toddler" Florina commented, looking over Lyn's shoulder.  
  
"Oh, and I have this photo of him too" Natalie pointed out, pulling another picture from her pocket. The man in the photo had a muscular build, and a stern face. As it was in black and white, they couldn't tell the colour of his hair, beard, or shirt, although it could be noted that his shirt looked ragged and worn.  
  
"His name is Dorcas. Do you know of him?" Natalie asked.  
  
Lyn and Florina shook their heads. "Sad to say, but I've never seen nor heard of him before" Lyn informed.  
  
"I see..." Natalie said, looking more sad than before. "If you do meet him, please give him this message. Tell him that Natalie is looking for him."  
  
"We'll tell him" Florina chirped. "I promise on behalf of the team."  
  
"Soup's up!" Cecil declared. "Come and get it!"  
  
Wil grumbled, rubbing his now bump cluttered head.

* * *

Meanwhile, outside the fortress, a group of bandits peaked out. "Here they are" said the leader of them. He was bigger than the others, with spikey, dark gray hair, a protrouding chin, and a purple shirt. "The group that defeated little brother Migal."  
  
Another bandit, looking like a humanoid weasel, snickered. "So, they decided to hole up inside this ruined fortress" he tettered. "Perfect. We'll wait till it gets dark, and then--"  
  
--SMACK--  
  
"Yip yip yip yip yip!" the weasel man yelped, running around in circles, clenching his head.  
  
"You're an idiot!" the leader barked at him. "There's only a few of them, and some of them are women! If we attacked them at night, we'd be a laughingstock! And we'd be kicked out of the club! And worse yet, we could hurt the women by mistake!"  
  
The weasel man gave a nervous laugh. "You're right, Carjiga! You're so smart!"  
  
"We'll avenge Migal, and get some pretty souviners to boot! Who knows? Maybe I'll be the club president after all! Ha ha ha! Spread out and encircle the place, you rogues! Let's finish this before it gets too dark to see! (Because really...I'm scared of the dark..)"  
  
Swarming out of the forest was a whole squadren of bandits. Arriving last was a man with short, red hair, a very fine red beard under his chin, and a yellow, sleevless shirt.  
  
"Hey you! Yer name's...Dorcas, isn't it?" Carjiga asked.  
  
"..." replied Dorcas.  
  
"Damnit! You're not Crono! You're not the dot dot dot king! sigh. Anyway, you haven't done much since you joined us. If those axes of your's aren't just for show, tonight's the night to let us see what you can do."  
  
"..."  
  
--twitch-- "I want you to attack from the back entrance to the east. There's supposed to be a woman inside. I want you to capture 'er. Do that, and I'll increase your share of the take. If you want gold, you'll get the job done." Carjiga then turned around and left.  
  
"...A bunch of women, huh?" Dorcas said to himself. "It would break Natalie's sweet heart to see me sink so low..."  
  
As Dorcas moved into position, Kent and Sain rode back inside the fortress. "Um, Lady Lyndis, we've got a problem!" Sain said urgently.  
  
"Outside the fortress! Bandits!" Kent reported.  
  
"Persistent bunch, aren't they?" Sain laughed. "So, what do you suggest we do? Shall we go out and face them?"  
  
"I don't think so" Cecil shook his head, standing up from his rocky seat. "Natalie can't move very well, and if we attack, she'll be left unguarded and in danger. Seeing as it's more compact in here, we'll let them come to us."  
  
Lyn grinned. "Stole the words right out of my mouth."  
  
As everyone started taking their positions, Sain and Kent at the front entrance, Lyn at the back, and Wil and Florina protecting Natalie and Cecil, the tacticion gave another comment. "We only need to hold them off until they get tired!"  
  
Everyone nodded, and got into defensive position. A duo of axewielders leapt at the two cavaliers, but with a swift dodge and a powerful counter, the two knights of Lycia had no problems.  
  
Quite suddenly, a red headed bandit threw his axe at Lyn's general direction. She ducked, just in time to. She was about to stand up when...  
  
"Return trip!" Florina screamed.  
  
Lyn ducked again, as the axe flew back, and into the bandit's hand. She let out a sigh of relief. "Thanks Florina!" she grinned. She turned to face the bandit. "Wait...isn't he...he looks a lot like the picture of Natalie's husband..."  
  
She took a few steps closer. "You! Aren't you Dorcas?" she asked.  
  
"...How'd you know my name?" he asked simply.  
  
"Natalie told me. What are you doing with these money grubbling jackasses?"  
  
"I need the money they grub."  
  
"I see, but...wouldn't joining up with mercenaries be a smarter idea? Heck, anything's a smarter idea than joining with bandits! Except maybe stealing..."  
  
"It's the only way to earn gold in these parts, woman. I'll do anything...even this."  
  
"For gold? Anything? Even hurt your wife? Natalie is here! We're protecting her from in this fortress!!"  
  
"What!? Natalie...she's here?"  
  
"She was worried sick about you, so she came looking for you. Think, Dorcas! Would your actions please your wife?"  
  
"... ...You're right..."  
  
"Well?"  
  
"I can't do this. I'm done with these bandits. Here and now." He suddenly turned at the bandit who was coming to help him, and threw his axe with all his might. Slicing the body in half, the axe returned to the warrior's hand.  
  
Lyn gave a nervous chuckle, before nodding. Dorcas nodded as well, and moved into the temple to help with the defense.  
  
The axemen were flying left and right as Sain and Kent did their best to hold them off. Wil and Florina still kept watch on Natalie, when the opposite wall from where Lyn stood ground crumbled. An archer, a swordsman, and an axeman all charged in.  
  
"Um, Lyn, we've got a problem!" Wil warned, readying his bow, and letting an arrow fly.  
  
"I'm on it!" Lyn dashed forward, and body checked the enemy archer before he could ready his arrow.  
  
"Yer mine, girlie!" said one of the swordsman, leaping at Florina.  
  
"Eeek!" Florina yelped. The sword slashed against her chest, causing her to let out a scream. It also knocked her off her pegasus, and she rolled along the ground, dropping her lance. The axeman took this moment of weakness to make a grab for her.  
  
"You shall not touch her!" shouted Dorcas, suddenly coming to the rescue, and grabbing the axeman by the arm, nearly crushing it. He then tossed him at the swordsman, sending the two into the side wall. Cecil picked up Florina's discarded spear, and threw it at the two, impaling them on the side wall.  
  
"Damn it, they shouldn't be this hard to get rid of!" screamed Carjiga. "Get more of the troops!"  
  
A few more bandits leapt out of hiding. The sun was starting to sink below the horizon.  
  
"Dorcas!" Natalie cheered, seeing her husband. She leapt off her seat, and into the big axe wielder's arms. "Is it...really you?"  
  
Dorcas actually smiled for once in this entire chapter, and hugged her gently. "What were you thinking, coming to a place like this?" he asked.  
  
"What were you thinking, joining up with bloodthirsty bandits?" Natalie responded.  
  
"Point taken..." Dorcas sighed, and stroked her back. "I'm so sorry for worrying you..."  
  
"It's alright...I'm just so glad you're okay..."  
  
After fve more minutes, the sun had sunk. "Th...they're not human!" Carjiga squeaked. "Listen up, you rogues! Retreat! Run for it!"  
  
With that, the whole swarm of bandits started running for their very lives. "They're running away..." Wil breathed out.  
  
"We've won!" Sain cheered. "Drinks are on me!"  
  
Dorcas carried Natalie outside, and Lyn followed to bid the two goodbye. "Our village is close" Dorcas said to Lyn. "I'll take Natalie home and return tomorrow."  
  
"Hmm? Can't we just say our farewells today? ...erm, tonight?"  
  
"Well I...spoke with Cecil, you see..."  
  
"Dorcas is a little low on cash, so I've invited him to come with us!" Cecil grinned, coming up from behind Dorcas.  
  
"CECIL!!" Lyn screamed. "You DO know we're going to Lycia!"  
  
Both nodded. "I have to go somewhere for money" Dorcas explained.  
  
"And it's a long way to Tipperary!" Cecil added in. "Or, in this case, Lycia. I'm sure we'll be picking up more cash along the way."  
  
"We're all in agreement on this" Natalie explained. "Please...take care of my husband."  
  
"Well....alright" Lyn nodded. "We could use an axeman, really."  
  
"Excellent! Now, let's get inside. I think in the heat of the fight, you didn't quite notice the wound that Florina got."  
  
"WHAT!?" With lightning speed, Lyn bolted inside, rushing over next to Florina. "What happened?"  
  
"It's...it's nothing" Florina assured. "It was just a little cut I got from one of the swordsmen..."  
  
"You can't just get a little cut from a SWORDSMAN!" Lyn shouted.  
  
Florina flinched, and looked away. "I...I'm sorry..."  
  
Lyn softened up. "I'm sorry I screamed at you, but I'm just worried about you."  
  
Florina blushed, before continuing. "Wil already applied some first aid, so I'm recovering."  
  
"I'm glad. If there's anything else you need, just let me know."  
  
"Um, actually...there is something..." Florina twiddled her thumbs silently, blushing, before blurting out, "Would you mind staying by my side tonight? Back on the plains, I got the most relaxing sleep when I knew that you were close by, keeping me safe..."  
  
Lyn grinned, and gave Florina a hug. "Of course, Florina. Just relax. I'm here for you..."  
  
"Thank you..." Florina breathed out, before letting herself fall asleep. Lyn smiled, and fell asleep as well, still holding onto the pegasus knight.  
  
Meanwhile, on watch duty...  
  
"This place sucks!" Sain whined. "The floor is hard and cold, and there are holes in the roof!"  
  
"Could be worse" Wil said, looking on the bright side.  
  
"How?"  
  
"Could be raining."  
  
**CRACK-BOOM**  
  
It started to rain. Hard.  
  
Sain gave Wil a glare.  
  
"...ehe..." 


	7. Chapter Five: Beyond the Borders

**Fire Emblem 7, the Parody  
  
Chapter 05: Beyond the Borders  
**  
Sunlight peered through the holes in the rundown fortress. Sain was snoring, Wil in such a deep sleep he could've been unconscious, Kent was lightly dozing, ready to get up and defend against anything that intended to bring harm to them, and Cecil was joining Sain in snoring.  
  
And a bit of sunlight hit Florina right in the eye, causing her to open it. She snapped both open, when she noticed what she and Lyn were cuddiling together.  
  
_We must've cuddled up during the night_ she thought. _...ya know, this isn't half bad. I kinda like it like this.  
_  
She closed her eyes again, and buried her face in Lyn's shoulder. In her sleep, Lyn gently stroked Florina's back.  
  
After another hour of rest, Lyn and Florina woke up at the same time, and pulled their heads away from the other's shoulder, and just stared into the other's eyes. Florina's mouth turned into a wide smile, and Lyn's into a soft one.  
  
As Florina practically lost herself in Lyn's perfect face, all other thoughts were flushed out of her mind except for one. _She's so beautiful..._  
  
_She's so beautiful..._ Lyn's thoughts mirrored.  
  
Without even thinking, the two women closed their eyes, and began to move in. Their lips nearly touched, when Cecil woke up.  
  
And woke up load. "YAWN Good morning, world! That battle last night really tired me out, thus letting me get the best sleep in ages!"  
  
That somehow snapped Lyn and Florina out of their trance, as they both opened their eyes. As soon as they noticed what they were doing, they broke off from each other with a yelp, blushing heavily.  
  
It also woke up the others, even Wil. As Sain and Wil rubbed the sleep out of their eyes, Kent walked over to Florina and Lyn, who were busy looking anywhere but the other. "Did you two sleep well?" he asked.  
  
"Y...yeah..." Lyn nodded. "You guys up too?"  
  
Kent nodded, and looked over at Florina. She was acting a lot more timid than usual this morning. "Odd...pardon my asking, but..."  
  
"Dorcas!" Sain cheered, as the axeman came to the fortress. "Great to see you again!"  
  
The axeman smiled. "It is good to be traveling with you" he nodded. "So, when do we head out?"  
  
"Rightnow!" Lyn shouted, rushing past both, trying to put the awkward moment that took place a few minutes ago behind her.  
  
"..."  
  
"What in the..." Sain muttered.  
  
"Wait up, Lyn!" Florina shouted, trying to catch up.  
  
The others soon began to follow.

* * *

Soon, the others made their way to the border of Bern. Kent smiled. "We've almost crossed the border of Lycia and Bern" he reported.  
  
"And once we cross it, we'll be safe from the bandits, right?" Lyn asked.  
  
"We should be" Wil nodded. "They wouldn't dare attempt to pursue us across the border."  
  
Sain grinned widely. "Lycia at last! It's been a long time. Tomorrow, we dine on a feast of Lycia's finest food! And the mistress of the inn at the crossing is said to be..." He growled, and gave a wolf whistle.  
  
"You're impossible" Kent sighed. "We're not here for sight seeing, you twit."  
  
"Aww! But that's not fair!"  
  
"Kent, the inn will be fine" Lyn nodded.  
  
Kent put a hand over his chest, and bowed. "As you say, m'lady."  
  
Sain grinned. "Lyndis, you are truely an angel from on high!"  
  
"It's nothing, forget it. ...Seriously, I want you to forget it."  
  
"So, all I have to do is take this one step over the border, and we're in the clear?" Cecil asked.  
  
Kent and Sain nodded.  
  
Cecil faced the borderline, and raised his leg. Time seemed to slow down, as Cecil's foot began to cross the border. It was about to touch down, when...  
  
"Not so fast!" shouted a gruff voice.  
  
"GOD DAMNIT!" Cecil screamed, before turning to see who stopped them.  
  
A trio of bandits stepped forward. The lead one had an open, tattered purple vest, a sol patch of grey hair on his chin, and short but wavey grey hair. He was also missing several teeth. "Aha! I found them!" he declared.  
  
"Sonuva..." Wil muttered. "They're still after us?"  
  
"Heh heh heh...don't think you're gettng away that easily!"  
  
Another weasel bandit stepped forward. "We let you get away, everyone will start to think the Ganelon Bandits have gone soft!"  
  
"Blow it out your ass" Lyn snapped at them. "We don't give a crap for your reputation! We've got a job to do, and if you get in our way, so help me God..."  
  
"Cheeky lass, ain't ye?" the purple vested bandit asked, snickering. "Let's get them, lads!" Don't go easy on them because there are women in their number! Wipe them out!"

* * *

As the two teams took their positions on the field of battle, two other interesting characters stepped into view. One had pink hair, kept in pigtails, and a long, white cleric's gown. "Oooh...we're lost! This makes me so mad!"  
  
The other had short, purple hair, purple eyes, a red cloak, and a blue shirt. "You told me you were CERTAIN this was the right path."  
  
"What's your point, Erk?" the girl asked. "What are you trying to say?"  
  
"...I swear to god, you are NOT the woman I agreed to escourt..."  
  
"And what's THAT supposed to mean?"  
  
"I heard that someone was needed to escourt a frail, dainty Lycian priestess to Ostia."  
  
"Yes, and I am said frail priestess."  
  
"Frail? You? Serra, you have no need of any escourt to protect yourself. Even the most hardened criminal would flee in terror after only five minutes of your company. So, here's your gold, which I return gladly." He handed her a bag of gold. "Now will you PLEASE go on to Ostia alone?"  
  
Serra shook her head. "You're MY escourt, Erk. MINE! You're so clean, and tidy, and handsome, and well kept, and handsome, and smart..." She stuck her nose up. "A noble woman like myself must be seen with a proper escourt." She smirked at him. "You're personality is nothing special, but you're not bad to look at."  
  
"I believe that's my line" he said, arms folded over his chest. "And you expect me to take you all the way to Ostia? I only hope my nerves can endure the journey..."  
  
"What are you mumbling about? You're so gloomy! Why, I..." she suddenly stopped, and looked over at the field of combat. "What do you suppose is happening over there?"  
  
"Wouldn't know, wouldn't care" Erk sighed, starting to walk away.  
  
"Oooh! It's a fight! Let's check it out!" Serra rushed off to a good watching position.  
  
"...Of course" Erk sighed, watching her run off. "First sign of trouble, and she's just ready to jump in. I wonder if I killed someone important in my past life..."

* * *

As Erk and Serra took a seat at a safe location, Serra beamed, looking over the two teams. "A fight, a fight, a fight! And look! Facing the bandits! It's a young girl!"  
  
Erk slammed a hand over her mouth. "You idiot! Keep your voice down!"  
  
The weasel bandit stepped forward. "Eh? What's this?" he asked. "You two in league with that she-devil? 'cause you certainly aren't members of our band!"  
  
"...Oh..." Serra started.  
  
"Crap..." Erk finished.  
  
"Gyaa! I'll take care of you in one swift stroke!" The weasel raised his bow, ready to shot them down.  
  
"Eeeeeek!" Serra screamed. "Eeeeeek! Eeeeeeeeeeeek!" She leapt behind Erk. "Erk! Help me!!"  
  
"So...loud..." Erk moaned, poking the inside of his ear. He shook his head, and looked up at the bandit. "Well, you asked for it."  
  
The shoot out began. The weasel let loose his arrow, which got Erk in the hip. He seethed a bit, before doing a few hand motions. "Fire!" he shouted, as two twin balls of flame both shot out at the bandit. They both made contact, causing said bandit to let out a scream of pain.  
  
Lyn blinked, and looked in the direction of the scream. "What in the world...?" she ran over to the source. "Excuse me..." she said to the two standing there.  
  
"Hmm?" Serra let out, turning to face Lyn.  
  
"Why are you two fighting the bandits?"  
  
"...It just happened" Erk said clenching his hip, preventing too much blood from escaping.  
  
"Those ruffians thought we were aligned with you!" Serra shouted. She dropped her staff. "You got us into this terrible situation!" Erk bent down and picked it up. "Now how do you plan on getting us ou--"  
  
--WHAP--  
  
"Ouch!"  
  
Erk handed back Serra's staff. "If you hadn't been so meddlesome, we wouldn't be in this predicament." He turned to face Lyn, and bowed in respect. "My apologies. Please trouble yourself with us no more. " Erk then took Serra by the collar, and started to drag her off.  
  
"But...if we're facing a common enemy" Lyn pointed out, "wouldn't it be better if we joined forces?"  
  
"Say, that's a great idea!" Serra grinned. She got herself out of Erk's grasp. "Erk! Let's help these people!"  
  
"But..but..but.." Erk blubbered.  
  
"My name is Lyn. So, will you be assisting us?"  
  
"Yep! My name is Serra. And this is my escourt, Erk. Be a good boy, and go fight now, Erk."  
  
"...Why do you hate me, God?" Erk asked under his breath.  
  
By the time Lyn, Serra and Erk rejoined the battle, the others had been successful in holding off the other bandits that seemed to have come out of no where. A duo of swordsman began to gang up on Wil, ready to cut him down.  
  
"I don't think so..." Erk said. "Witness the true power of magic! FIRE!"  
  
Two balls of fire appeared in front of Erk. He threw his hands forward, as the balls of flame pelted into the swordsmen, as they screamed in pain.  
  
Wil grinned, and used this moment to his advantage, by firing an arrow at one bandit, as Dorcas leapt into the air and came down on the other.  
  
As Florina pulled her lance out of an enemy axeman, she whimpered, and clenched the area where she was cut the day previous. The pain was still present, but not as bad. Serra took notice of this, and walked over to her. "I take it you're hurt?"  
  
"I..I'm fine" Florina assured Serra.  
  
"No you're not. I can see the blood seaping into your dress" Serra pointed out. She raised her staff. "I have just the thing for it too. Healing light."  
  
The gem on the staff head began to glow, before a ball of light magic floated off, and onto Florina's skin. Her wound patched up instantly.  
  
"Wow...thank you" Florina bowed.  
  
"Well, isn't that just great..." Erk sighed. "You second guessed that she was in pain, so you helped her out. You know I'M in pain and you don't give me a second glance."  
  
"Oh, I was getting to you, Erky" Serra grinned, before tapping her staff against his wound. It patched up as well.  
  
"That's more like it."  
  
Lyn ran over to Cecil. "How are we doing, chief?" she asked.  
  
Cecil grinned. "Remarkably well. The enemy have been reduced to only one. The freaky one that approuched us earlier."  
  
"And judging by the look of things" Kent added in, "he shouldn't be too much of a problem."  
  
Cecil drummed his fingers on the portable card-table, where he had set up a map of the area. He then grinned widely. "Dorcas, come forward."  
  
Without a word, the axeman approuched. Cecil tied a rope around his waist, and the other end of it around the back of Florina's pegasus.  
  
"Here's my plan: Florina, you fly over to the bandit boy, and when you're within range, cut Dorcas off, and he'll plummet down on the bandit. If his axe is out first, then he'll plow through."  
  
Florina and Dorcas looked over at each other, and nodded. Florina patted her pegasus on the neck. "You ready for this, Huey?"  
  
The pegasus whinnied, signifying that she was.  
  
Soon, the three were up in the air. They were almost over head of the bandit, when Florina cut the rope. Dorcas plummted down to the earth on an angle, axe ready.  
  
"Oh no..." the bandit muttered. "Scum!" he shouted. "You're all sc--"  
  
--SPOLRT--  
  
Dorcas landed perfectly behind the groutesque warrior, who fell down into two semetrical parts.  
  
"That was a cake of piece" Sain laughed.  
  
--Smack--  
  
"Erm...piece of cake."  
  
"Better" muttered Kent.  
  
"Wow, Lyn, you've assembled a pretty strong team" Serra grinned. "And you're not bad yourself."  
  
"Your staff powers are amazing" Lyn pointed out. "I never saw anything like it."  
  
Serra smirked, and stuck her nose up. "Only the best can use it."  
  
Erk rolled his eyes, groaning silently in disbelief.  
  
"Well, it was nice meeting you" Lyn said with a bow. "Till we meet again."  
  
"Aideu" Serra grinned, before she and her bodyguard turned to leave.  
  
"Well, I'm glad that's over with" Erk muttered. "It was a complete waste of our time."  
  
"And what have we here, another butterfly? A wildflower perhaps?" if you can't guess who asked this, you have not been keeping up with the story. Shame on you.  
  
Serra blinked, and looked over, as Sain approached her. He took her hand, as he did with every pretty girl. "What a truely delectable creature."  
  
"Oh, are you one of Lyn's companions?" Serra asked.  
  
"Call me Sain."  
  
"Call me Serra."  
  
"Don't even talk to me..."  
  
"Serra...what a lyrical name. I am in service of Castle Caelin."  
  
"Oh! So is Lyn a member of the royal family?"  
  
"She is the granddaughter of the marquess."  
  
"Hmm..." Serra's lips turned to an evil grin.  
  
"Serra...what devlish plan is your head thinking up now?" Erk asked, worriedly.  
  
Serra giggled. "Erky" she whispered to her mage companion, "we have a person of importance in our debt. And that's a good thing."  
  
"Serra, please tell me you aren't..."  
  
"Oh Sain, do you think we could join the lady Lyn's company? She seems like such a nice person, and I'd like to help her ever so much." She put on her sweetest face.  
  
"Of course! We couldn't be happier! Why, me and Cecil were just talking about how we needed more helping hands!"  
  
"No we weren't..."  
  
"Are you being hunted, or something?" Serra asked, head tilted.  
  
"Yes. Family feaud, you see. Assassins everywhere."  
  
"Goodness! In that case, my staff and Erk's magic should come in real handy!"  
  
"You do realize this is like jumping into an ammunition chamber with a lit match..." Erk warned.  
  
"Your staff and your magic will be most helpful! Wait here, as I speak with Lady Lyndis on your behalf!" Sain rode off.  
  
"... ...I can't believe this...I'm not believing this..."  
  
"This is beyond fantastic, Erk!" Serra cheered. "Our good deeds will earn us gratitude beyond imagining!"  
  
"...I'm going to be sick..." 


	8. Chapter Six: Blood of Pride

**Fire Emblem 7, the Parody**

**Chapter 06: Blood of Pride  
  
**At long last, Lyn finally returns to the land of her mother's birth. And it's about damn time too. Lycia is a federation of territories, each one ruled by it's own marquess, with about 47% plotting to being more than just that. Stupid power hungry bastards...  
  
Now, Lyn takes her leave from one of these territories, Araphen, and sets out to meet her grandfather, the marquess of Caelin. However, like all evil brothers, Lundgren, the brother of Lyn's grandfather, hungers for power. He is preparing a surprise welcome for Lyn, who threatens his grasp of power.  
  
How cliched is that, eh?

* * *

Lyn looked around the town, whistling in awe. "Wow" she muttered. She looked over at Sain. "What's this place called?"  
  
Sain grinned. "Welcome to Araphen" he said beamingly. "After Ostia, it's the second biggest city in Lycia."  
  
"Second biggest, eh?" Lyn gave the town another look around from her position. "It's pretty crowded. By the by...where's Kent?"  
  
"He said he was going on to the castle, but I really think he's making a few pits stops to.."  
  
"To what, good sir Sain?" Kent said, standing behind Sain.  
  
"Eeep!" Sain hyperventalated. He turned around slowly. "Um...to...get...supplies...for the journey...ehe"  
  
"Exactly right" Kent nodded. He turned to face Lyn. "M'lady Lyndis, let us off to the castle. They've prepared an escourt for us. A small army of knights, cavaliers, mercenaries and bowmen."  
  
Cecil was drooling.  
  
"The marquess is really going to help us?" Lyn asked. "We barely know each other."  
  
"Araphen and Caelin have enjoyed several years of sturdy friendship. Once I informed the marquess of our plight, he leapt at the oprotunity to help."  
  
He suddenly grinned, holding up a wrapped gift box. "And gave us this free, complimentary service package!"  
  
Sain grinned as well. "Looks like we have a smooth road ahead! Nothing can stop us now!"  
  
"We're screwed" Wil sighed.  
  
"Down for the count" Erk agreeed.  
  
Dorcas dragged the edge of his hand across his neck.  
  
Kent suddenly returned to his serious face, and looked over at Lyn. "I'm so sorry for all the hardships you've had to endure thus far..."  
  
"Don't be silly" Lyn giggled. "You've been a good bodyguard, Kent."  
  
"Ahem"  
  
"Oh, and you too, Sain."  
  
"You bet your ass! Speaking of which..."  
  
"Finish that sentence, and I'll gut you down" Lyn said coldly.  
  
Sain instantly shut up.  
  
"The castle awaits..."  
  
As the team started to move out, a villager came running towards them, and then started running around in circles. "This is terrbile! The castle is burning! BURNING!"  
  
"What!?" Sain said, shocked. "What's going on!?"  
  
"We'regonnadiewe'regonnadiewe'regonnadie!" the peasent continued, running in circles. "Smoke is coming from the castle! And...oh no! Guys in red! That's worse! Aaaaahhhh!" Every single peasent in the street ran for their dear life.  
  
A man with short, dirty blonde, spikey hair, with a green shirt and a tattered red cloak watched all this, and ran for a better and safer place to watch.  
  
A swordsman with greased, red hair, and an outfit like Wil's approached Lyn.  
  
"Who are you?" Lyn asked.  
  
"You! You're Lyndis, right?"  
  
"What's that....ah shit."  
  
"Prepare yourself!" The red head lashed out his sword, and strode to close the gap between him and his target.  
  
From out of nowhere, a man with short, green hair, a nomad's outfit, and brown turbin rode over behind the red haired assassin, and pulled out an arrow. With a quick spin between his two fingers, he readied the bow, aimed, and...  
  
--Twang--  
  
--THUNK--  
  
The grunt doubled over, screaming in pain, before finally shutting up.  
  
"Who in heck..." Lyn looked up at her savior. "Who are you?"  
  
The nomad just stared at her.  
  
"M'lady!" Kent shouted, riding to her side. "Are you all right?"  
  
"Yes...this man saved my life."  
  
"May I ask your name?"  
  
The nomad just stared at the two of them, before begining to head out.  
  
"Wait!" Lyn begged. "Why did you help me?"  
  
"I thought a Sacaen plainswoman was being attacked. I was mistaken."  
  
"No, you're right! I am from Sacae! Just look at this outfit!" She ran her hands along her dress. "Does this look like anything out of someplace OTHER than Sacae?"  
  
"Point."  
  
"I'm Lyn, daughter of the Lorca chieftain."  
  
The nomad gasped. "The Lorca...there were survivors?"  
  
Lyn nodded.  
  
"You should leave at once. A blaze has started in the castle, and its spreading. Don't be foolish and waste the life I just saved."  
  
"You're from the castle?" Kent raised an eyebrow. "What exactly is going on? How severe is the fire? Is the marquess safe?"  
  
"You sure love to ask a lot of questions, don't you?" the nomad asked, a smirk forming on his lips, before returning to his neutral face. "The castle is under attack, and the marquess has been accosted. That man I just killed must've been one of the marauders. As captain of the guard, it is my duty to rescue the marquess."  
  
"I see..." Cecil said, stepping forward. "Perhaps we can help you?"  
  
"Sir?" Kent asked, looking at Cecil.  
  
"Why?" the nomad asked.  
  
"These brigands are after us." Cecil pointed at Lyn. "Her in particular. If they're attacking us, it's because of us. Mostly her, but us none the less. So we must do something to make up for her putting the marquess in danger."  
  
Lyn gave Cecil a death glare.  
  
"Erm...for us putting the marquess in danger..."  
  
"Better."  
  
"Sounds like you're involved somehow...alright. Let's go."  
  
"You'll accept our aid?" Lyn asked.  
  
"I am Rath, of the Kutolah. Our tribes may be different, but I will not abandon a woman of the Sacae."  
  
Lyn bowed, beaming. "Thank you Rath! A thousand blessings on you!"  
  
Rath's horse reared, as he added in "And a thousand curses upon our enemy!"

* * *

Meanwhile...  
  
"And just what are you doing in my house?" a middle aged, somewhat pudgy woman snapped at her unexpected guest.  
  
The same dirty blonde haired man grinned. "Peace! I mean no danger to you (only to your goods)."  
  
"Oh really? I want your hands where I can see them before I continue talking to you."  
  
The man raised both hands in the air. "Your house offers a good view of the battle outside. I'll pay you for the privilage. So, please?"  
  
"Like a vulture..."  
  
--Crash--  
  
A coffee pot came from under the man's cloak.  
  
"Like a vul--"  
  
--Tinkle--  
  
Now silverware. The man was blushing.  
  
"Like a vulture waiting for the spoils, eh? Terrible. Now pay up!"  
  
The man pulled out several gold coins, and put them in her hand.  
  
"Now, I'll be cowering in the far corner of the basement, so don't bother me!" She then left, with a security blankee, to the basement.  
  
"Didn't even realize it was her own money" the man laughed. "Now..." he said, sitting on a chair closest to the window, and pulling out a bag of popcorn, "which side has the most to offer?"

* * *

Back with the gang...  
  
"Once the marquess is safe" Rath explained, "my men can move in and attack. Perhaps the secret passageway..."  
  
"Secret passageway?" Lyn asked.  
  
"There's always a secret passageway" Cecil sighed.  
  
"An underground tunnel which..."  
  
"Leads to the throne room?" Cecil cut in.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I knew it..."  
  
"There are triggers in the..."  
  
"Forest?"  
  
"Barracks."  
  
"I was wrong then..."  
  
"That will open it up. Once we release the triggers, my men can handle the rest. There are three triggers though..."  
  
"And all three of them need to be tripped?"  
  
"Mmm-hmm. Or the tunnel won't open."  
  
"How cliched..."  
  
"We'll need the skills of a thief, though" Rath explained. "The doors are locked, you see."  
  
"Well where are the keys?" Lyn asked.  
  
"Inside."  
  
"Oh great!"  
  
Cecil tapped Lyn on the shoulder. "I saw a guy not to long ago who looked very inconspicuous. Maybe he's just the guy we're looking for."  
  
"Well, where did he go?"  
  
"Thatta way" Cecil pointed to one of the houses.  
  
Lyn walked over to the house, and entered. "Hello?" she asked. "Is anybody here?"  
  
"Why, hello little lady" Matthew laughed. "I may have a word with you..."  
  
"Just who are you, anyway?"  
  
"Name's Matthew. A specialist in acquisitions of all kinds. Would you like to buy my service--"  
  
--Tinkle--  
  
Several spoons and knives fell out of his cloak.  
  
"Would you like to buy my--"  
  
--Crash--  
  
Several pots and pans fell out.  
  
"Would you--"  
  
--Clatter--  
  
"Would..." he paused a bit, before nodding. "Would you like to buy my services?"  
  
"You no good pervert!"  
  
"That's not what I meant. But that option's a no go?"  
  
"Damn straight!"  
  
"Crap..."  
  
Lyn thought a bit, before looking at the utensils at Matthew's feet. "I've no need for a thief."  
  
"And just how do you plan on getting inside the barracks?"  
  
"...how did you..."  
  
"Annnnd Bingo was his name-o! Don't be mad. Hire me. For you'll, I'll even lower my normal fees."  
  
"Well, I do need those doors opened...okay, you're hired. So, why did you choose to ally yourself with me?"  
  
"Your group looks like much more fun than the dead guy's. It's simple, really."  
  
"...You're just...odd..." Lyn left.  
  
"Well, time to get to work."

* * *

As the two got outside, they noticed the others doing their best facing some of the bad guys. Matthew ran towards one of the doors, and unlocked it. Rath rode it, and flipped a switch on the back wall. A doorway opened. "One down..."  
  
Matthew's eyes fell upon a certain box that was revealed by the opened doorway. "Whoa! Unless my eyes decieve me, that's a treasure chest!" He looked over at Cecil. "Hey, you look like you're in charge of this group. Since we came all this way, why don't we help ourselves to some of the treasure?"  
  
Cecil shook his head.  
  
"What do you mean _no_!? You're such a bore. If you want to win, you've got to use every method to your disposel. It's an ironclad rule."  
  
"But..."  
  
"Yeah, I know stealing is bad. I'm well aware of it. We're saving the marquess. So why don't we call this our advance reward, okay?"  
  
"Well...alright. Go get it."  
  
"Yay! It's treasure time, it's treasure time!" Matthew dashed over to the chest, and picked it open. He pulled out a long, white and blue robe, with feathers lining it. "ooh. It's an angelic robe! It's perfect for us on the....less robust style. Like me for example. In fact..."  
  
He slipped on the robe, as a beam of holy light came over him. He smirked, before giving a victory sign. "Now just try keeping me down!"  
  
Meanwhile, Kent and Serra had already found the next door. "We need some method of getting in..." Kent muttered. "Serra, think you can find me a skeleton key?"  
  
"Oh Erky!" Serra called.  
  
The disgruntled mage walked over to Serra, grumbling. "What now?"  
  
"Be a good boy and knock down the door, will you?"  
  
"{grumble} {grumble} Fine. Fire." Two balls of fire crashed into the door, knocking it down. "Happy?"  
  
"Very."  
  
"Well, that works to..." Kent said, scratching his cheek. He sighed, and rode inside. There was a switch on the far wall. After flicking it, there was a low, rumbling noise.  
  
"That must've been one of the switches" he muttered.  
  
"Sorry, that was just me" Sain said sheepishly.  
  
"SAIN!"  
  
"I was joking."

* * *

Matthew, Rath and Lyn looked around. The wall around to entrances crumbled down, reveal behind one an archer and a knight, and behind the other...  
  
"Another chest! Treasure time!" Matthew cheered, leaping at the chest. He bashed it open, and dug out what was inside. "Oooh. An Armorslayer. Hmm. While I can use it, I'm not that great a fighter. And I just hate getting counterattacked..."  
  
"Then give it to me" Lyn insisted, taking the sword from Matthew. "I'll be sure to put it to good use. Like right now."  
  
With that, Lyn dashed towards the knight, and with a swift downstroke, cut his armor in half. And his shirt. And his pants. The knight blushed, covered his boxers with his hands, and ran away, sobbing.  
  
The archer gulped, as Matthew pulled out his sword, Lyn raised her's, and Rath readied his short bow. "I submit" the archer begged.  
  
"Smart lad" Matthew smirked. "Now be a sport and flip the last switch, will you?"  
  
The archer nodded madly, before flipping said switch. The wall behind them crumbled down, revealing...  
  
"It's the secret tunnel! Great work, guys!" Lyn cheered.

* * *

Lyn, Rath, Kent and Sain were able to enter the throne room, where a small, beady eyed man with a big nose and greasy, blonde hair sat on his throne. He wore a noble, purple outfit, and a long, gray cape.  
  
"Ah, it is Rath!" he said with a smile. "That was a wonderful performance."  
  
"My league...if any praise be given, it should be to this group."  
  
"Hmm?" the man looked over Lyn. "Who the hell are you?"  
  
Lyn bowed. "I am Lyndis. I'm pleased you're well."  
  
"Oh, it's you. You're marquess Caelin's--leave us, Rath, I would speak to her alone."  
  
"..." Rath bowed, and left.  
  
"Now, Lady Lyndis, do you know the identity of those responsible for this vertical shout?"  
  
"Responsible for the what now?"  
  
"Commotion...revolt...outbreak..."  
  
"Uproar?"  
  
"What ever."  
  
"I believe it would be the work of my granduncle, Lundgren."  
  
"Exactly right. Which means my castle has been damaged in your petty inheritence dispute."  
  
"Um...ehe...yeah."  
  
"When I heard Lady Madelyn's daughter was in trouble, I thought to lend my assistence..."  
  
"Please don't tell me..."  
  
"I find now that I change my mind. I withdraw my offer. Now shoo."  
  
Kent stepped forward. "Marquess Araphen! You gave me your word, my lord!"  
  
"...um...Kent is it?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"You failed to inform me of one vital detail!"  
  
"That being?"  
  
"This girl DOES resemble Lady Madelyn, but...I did NOT expect her to be tainted so much with the blood of Sacae."  
  
"WHAT!?!?" Lyn screamed, before whipping out the Mani Katti, and charging at the marquess. It took the combined force of Kent and Sain to hold her back. "You got a problem with people of Sacae!?!?"  
  
"Do you think the marquess of Caelin would be troubled to meet with this...nomadic mongrel?"  
  
"You no good..." Sain started.  
  
"Hold your tongue, Sain" Kent ordered. He turned to face the marquess. "My apologies, my lord marquess."  
  
"Hmph. Your companion is poorly disaplined."  
  
"HEY!"  
  
"Please, we desperatly we need your aid..."  
  
"We do?"  
  
"Sssh."  
  
"...I hear the Marquess Caelin is ill and abed. I question whether he'll survive to meet this girl or not. In which case, his brother, Lord Lundgren, will claim the title. And I really don't want to get on his bad side."  
  
"You scheming son of a..."  
  
"SAIN!"  
  
"Sorry..."  
  
"I understand..." Lyn muttered, calming down. "Kent, Sain, let's go."  
  
"Lady Lyndis..."  
  
"I am proud of the Sacaen blood the runs through my veins. And I sure as hell will NOT accept aid from someone who disparges my heritage. I say again, let's go..."  
  
With that, the two knights and the nomad girl left.

* * *

"So? Where are they?" Cecil asked. "When do we get to see our escourt?"  
  
"We're...not getting one" Kent sighed.  
  
"... ... ...We're WHAT!?!?!?" Cecil screamed. "We're not getting the escourt!? Why!?"  
  
"Because the man providing it was a no good, racist jerk" Lyn explained.  
  
"Besides" Florina pointed out, and stepping over to Lyn's side, "we don't r..really need one. I mean, we're a pretty strong group on our own. Two knights, an archer, an axeman, a mage, a cleric, and Lyn-sama." At that, she rested a head on Lyn's shoulder.  
  
Lyn blushed. "Y..yeah. Good point Florina..."  
  
Florina blushed as well, noticing that she was making Lyn feel a little uncomfortable. "S...sorry..."  
  
"But we're missing out on more archers, and mercenaries, and KNIGHTS DAMN IT!"  
  
"Geez, who put a rattlesnake in your bed?" Serra asked.  
  
"Knights are one of the best things to have in an army! Sure they're slow, but damn it, nothing can hurt them! Have you ever seen a knight fall in combat!?"  
  
"Actually, we have" Sain pointed out. "Poor little bugger..."  
  
"Zapped by twin lightning spells" Kent continued.  
  
"I give up..." Cecil moaned.

* * *

"Bah! Arrogent child!" the marquess of Araphen shouted. "If she had but shed a single tear, I would've granted her request...We Lycia nobles will never understand those filthy, smelly, unkept, prideful savages."  
  
"So is THAT what you think about us?" Rath asked, coming out of nowhere.  
  
"Wha! Oh, Rath, I didn't see you there...nah, you're cool."  
  
"Of course. As long as we bend our knee in front of you, you do not care where we are from. But when an equal comes from my lands? What conceit."  
  
"Damn it, can't a man have a siloque without you people acknowledging it!? Besides, I have treated you well, have I not? I have paid you well, and treated you better than your kind deserves."  
  
"_Than my kind deserves_!?"  
  
"Damn it..."  
  
"My service with you ends here." Rath then left without a word.  
  
"But...but...AH DAMN IT!"

* * *

"We must hurry to Caelin, everyone!" Lyn informed. "The marquess of Araphen said that he was ill."  
  
"The closer we get to Caelin, the harder it will be the overcome Lundgren's obstacles" Kent pointed out. "However, I have vowed to see you through this till the end!"  
  
"Thank you, Kent."  
  
"I'm with you too!" Sain grinned.  
  
"Thank you..." Lyn grinned. She turned to face the others.  
  
Dorcas grinned. "I am in your debt for caring for Natalie. You have my axe."  
  
"I'll always be by your side, Lyn!" Florina beamed.  
  
Wil saluted. "My bow is your's" he said simply.  
  
"You can count on us!" Serra nodded.  
  
"(I'm in hell, right? I died, and now I'm in hell...)" Erk muttered to himself. "You're a nice person, though. I'll lend my magic."  
  
"This is going to be muchos fun" Matthew laughed. "I'll just stick around a bit longer."  
  
"I was with you from the start, Lyn" Cecil nodded. "And I'll stand by you till the end."  
  
"Thank you...everyone..." Lyn grinned, wiping her eyes.  
  
Suddenly, there was a somehow familiar _clop-clop_ of hooves. Lyn turned, and noticed..."Rath! What is it? What are you..."  
  
"I overheard the marquess talking to himself. Lyn of the Lorca, proud daughter of the Sacae...I would gladly join you, if you'd have me. I would add my strength to your's."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"And this. I want you to have this." Rath tossed Lyn a sack. She caught it, and opened it up.  
  
She gasped. "This..this is..."  
  
"GOLD!" Matthew cheered. He started dancing in place. "We're in the money..we're in the money..."  
  
"It's too much. We can't accept this."  
  
"Spoil sport!"  
  
"I have no need for it. And if it would help you...I cannot take back something once offered."  
  
"Rath...I thank you."  
  
"Well, now that we've got THAT out of the way..." Cecil called everyone's attention. "M'lady, your grandfather awaits. We should hurry before he bites the big one, takes a dirt nap, etc, etc, etc."  
  
"Oh, thanks for the encouragement."  
  
"I knew that would snap you out of your sappy mood." 


	9. Chapter Seven: Siblings Abroad

**

* * *

Fire Emblem 7, the Parody  
  
Chapter 07: Siblings Abroad**  
  
"Damnit, where the hell is he? Kozo!" Yoshimo was busy rushing around Yoshimo Studios. "Where the hell are you? You're on in five minutes!"  
  
"He's over there" Guy pointed towards where they had held their meeting earlier.  
  
"Thanks" Yoshimo smiled, rushing over, to catch Kozo and Acentine busy making out. "Kozo, why aren't you in costume! You idiot, you're on in five!"  
  
The two broke off. "Ah, fine, whatever..." Kozo sighed.  
  
"Alright. And for God's sakes, put a shirt on and get off my damn table already!"

* * *

Lyn takes her leave from Araphen, finding no aid from its spiteful marquess. Now, she and her companions resume their march towards Caelin in earnest, racing against time, with her grandfather's life the prize. Harried and impatient, Lyn presses onward. Suddenly, a young boy appears and pleads for their assistance...  
  
But before we can show you that, we must give you the obligatory foresight into the danger they are about to face.

* * *

Somewhere in a totally different part of the land was a small flooded temple, where a young woman with golden eyes, black hair and a beautiful outfit was standing alongside her lord, a rugged-looking man with scars all across his face.  
  
"Aww... comeon, Brendan!" the woman reached over and caressed his chin. "You have to do this for me! Can't you send somebody to find those kids!"  
  
Brendan flushed a bit. "A...anything for you, darling Sonia...But who to send? ...Ah...Kozo! Kozo!"  
  
A young man with purple hair and blood red robes stepped towards the two. "Yes, Brendan?"  
  
"I need you to go and find two young children. Get them and return them to me..." Brendan instructed.  
  
"Two children? Brendan...are...are you sure?" Kozo hesitated, staring the man in the eye.  
  
"I ask you this as a friend. Of course, you will not be alone, I will send some of my men along with you..."  
  
"But why would you need two children?"  
  
Brendan looked about to answer, but then Sonia cut in, acting terribly sad. , won't you do it for us? No questions?"  
  
Kozo hesitated again, glaring at the woman. "Fine...Fine, I'll do it, whatever."  
  
Sonia cheered. "Yay! Thank you!"  
  
"But I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it for Brendan..." Kozo snapped at her, whispering something under his breath.  
  
"Aww... Did you hear what he just called me?" Sonia asked.  
  
"No, what?"  
  
She leaned over and whispered something in Brendan's ear.  
  
"Kozo! How dare you, you...hey! Where'd you go?" Brendan looked around, finding no sign of the purple-haired young man. "Damnit...Oh well..."  
  
"You sure he can do it?"  
  
"I put the utmost faith in him."

* * *

"Whaaaa!"  
  
A green haired child was tossed out of the inn. He had a brown tunic, brown boots, and a long, yellow scraff. In his hand he carried a small, silver flute.  
  
A man with a dark blue shirt, baggy pants, and short, brown hair glared at the kid. "And stay out!" He slammed the door shut.  
  
The kid got to his feet, and started pounding against the door. "Let me in let me in let me in! he begged. "You were so kind yesterday!"  
  
"I thought you two were just kids" the man explained, not evening opening the door. "Traveling performers. Not fugitives from a group of shamans! Now get! You bards are a plague on us decent folk!"  
  
"That's classical sterotype, right there, buddy!"  
  
There was no answer.  
  
"Aww man..."  
  
All the while, a certain monk was listening to all this. He had long, blonde hair, a blue robe, and a white cloak. "Hmm..."

* * *

Now, it was at this time that the _Lyndis Legion_(tm) came into this area. "So, what's this place, Kent?" Lyn asked.  
  
"Kathelet" Kent explained. "If we keep going south, we should hit Caelin."  
  
"From here, should be a ten day's ride" Sain added in.  
  
"Hang on for just ten more days then...please..." Lyn gave a silent prayer.  
  
And wouldn't you know it? That same, green haired kid ran over to them. "Ex...excuse me..." he stuttered.  
  
"Can I help you?" Lyn asked, leaning down next to the child.  
  
"You and your friends...are you mercenaries?"  
  
"So we've been called" Dorcas explained.  
  
"My name is Nils. You've got to help me!"  
  
"Lady Lyndis, we can't let our guard down, even for a child..." Kent muttered.  
  
"Kid, we don't have much time. Can't you get anyone else?"  
  
"No time! No time! Ninian...my sister! She's been taken away by some bad men!"  
  
"Your sister?" Sain gasped. "Did you say your sister's been accosted?"  
  
"Don't start, Sain..." Cecil grumbled.  
  
Nils nodded. "I don't know what I'd do without Ninian..."  
  
"We have to help this kid!" Sain insisted.  
  
"We haven't the time!" Kent said firmly. "We must get to Castle Caelin!"  
  
"Kent, I want to help this kid. Alright?" Lyn stated clearly.  
  
"M'lady?"  
  
"I'm worried about my grandfather, for sure. But this...I just can not stand for this, and let a child be taken from her home!"  
  
"I see.."  
  
"Sorry Kent."  
  
"No need to apologize, my lady. I am your retainer. You give the order, and I shall carry them."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Heh. What a noble speech" Sain laughed. "A true knight, that one! Ah well." He looked down at the boy. "You're in luck, kid! We're going to save your sister!"  
  
"As they say, wootage!" Nils cheered.  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
"Woot..age?" Cecil asked.  
  
"Sorry..."  
  
"So, are you going to take us to the men who've done this?" Lyn asked.  
  
Nils nodded. "They're real tough, so be careful."  
  
"Don't worry. We're pretty tough ourselves, right guys?"  
  
"Aye!" Dorcas bellowed.  
  
"A..aye..." Florina squeaked.  
  
"What'd she say?" Matthew asked. "I was busy...checking on the...supplies..."  
  
"We're on your side" Rath sighed. "You don't need to steal from us."  
  
"Old habits die hard."  
  
Rushing in from no where was a figure clad in dark robes, a showel covering his face. "Hee hee hee...found him!"  
  
"Oh no...it's one of THEM!" Nils yelped.  
  
"By order of the Black Fang, I'm here to take you in. Now come along quietly..."  
  
"No!" Nils shouted, before backing up. "Stay back!" He backed up some more. "...Please?"  
  
"No can do, kid" the dark robed figure sighed. "Now..."  
  
"I don't think so!" Lyn shouted, getting in front of the boy. "Back off!"  
  
"Wha...who the hell are you!?"  
  
"Lyn!" Nils cheered.  
  
"Let the boy's sister go."  
  
"Oh, this is a on out, fellas! Let's give 'em hell!"  
  
As the dark robed man vanished, a band of others came into view. "Careful..." Nils warned. "They're shamans."  
  
"We'll just have to be extra..."  
  
"Excuse me, my lady..." said a soft voice.  
  
Lyn leapt on the spot. "Who are you!?" she shouted.  
  
"Forgive me" said the monk we met several paragraphs earlier. "I never meant to startle you."  
  
"Your robes..." Lyn muttered. "Are you an Elimine bishop?"  
  
"But a mere monk, my lady. My name is Lucius."  
  
"And what business do you have with us?"  
  
"I was in the inn when this boy pleaded for help. The innkeeper shooed him away, not wanting to get involved. He was most...unpleasent."  
  
"I wasn't afraid of him!" the boy beamed. "I'm used to being treated that way."  
  
"Like total crap?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Huh..." Lucius shook his head. "May I assist you? I would like to help this boy, if only a little."  
  
"Of course" Lyn smiled.  
  
"Thank you. May the blessing of Saint Elmine be on you."  
  
Sain rushed over, and took Lucius' hand. "T'would be an honor to travel with a fair maiden like you."  
  
"I'm a guy!" Lucius screamed.  
  
"Could've fooled me..."  
  
Lucius growled. "I'm getting mad....so mad, I could hit something!" He looked over at a shaman that approached. "He'll do. Lightning!"  
  
A flash of light, and a ball of energy. The shaman took the attack, and fell over backwards.  
  
"Go Lucy! Go Lucy!" Nils cheered.  
  
"...Let's keep moving..." Lucius insisted.  
  
Everyone went on the attack. "Release the child!" Erk demanded, before throwing twin balls of flame at an enemy archer.  
  
"Aie!" the archer screamed, falling over.  
  
"Or else we'll wipe you all out!" Wil continued, pulling back an arrow, and then letting it fly, through the head of a swordsman.  
  
A duo of shamans teleported in, and readied a spell to wipe out the both of them.  
  
"Not so fast!" Lucius shouted. "Lightning!"  
  
As the spell conected, the shaman let out a scream of "Ah Flux!" before vanishing, his robes falling to the ground.  
  
Quite coincidently, the Flux spell, a shaman's best friend, went off, smacking into Lucius. Who brushed it aside. "Was that supposed to hurt?" he asked no one.  
  
The other shaman started to sweat, when Florina came flying in. She scooped him up with her spear via the back of his robes. "Let me down!" he screamed, as she carried him high. "I demand it!"  
  
"If you insist" Florina shrugged, and pulled her spear out.  
  
"But not up heeeeeeeeereee--"  
  
--KA-THUD--  
  
After a few minutes, the only one left to challenge them was the man who had confronted them from the start. "You all want to save this girl?" he asked. "It is like you are playing knights in a foolish romance novel."  
  
"Ever read any of those foolish romance novels?" Lucius asked.  
  
"Yes" both Sain and Florina answered.  
  
"What was that?" Sain asked.  
  
"N..nothing..." Florina squeaked.  
  
"The knight always wins" Lucius finished, as another Lightning gathered in his hand. The spell fired off against the shaman, who was sent flying into a tree.  
  
Rath readied his bow, and fired several shots, pinning the shaman to said tree. Using this to their advantage, Lyn and Matthew both slashed with their swords.  
  
"You're...slashing at air..." the shamn wheezed. "The girl is...already....ooooh" his head drooped, dead.

* * *

"Damn it!" Kozo cursed from his hiding spot. "Of course Brendan wouldn't supply me with some good troops...I'm outta here. I need a drink..."

* * *

Now, over a few hills was a temple that these shamans used for an outpost. Lyn and the others entered, Nils shouting out Ninan's name over and over, hoping to find her.  
  
"Are you sure she's here?" Lyn asked.  
  
"If not, where could she be?" Nils asked, on the verge of tears.  
  
"Lady Lyndis!" Kent rode over to the two. "A group of villagers spotted several men riding south!"  
  
"They must have the boy's dear sister!" Sain put together. "Shall we give chase?"  
  
"We'd never catch them" Lyn said sadly.  
  
"No...Ninian..."  
  
"Is THIS the girl you are looking for?" asked a heroic voice.  
  
{cue cheesy, heroic, Indiana Jones like music}  
  
Stepping towards the group was a tall man, with short, red hair, blue eyes, a royal, blue suit of armor, and a long, blue and red cape. In his sheath was a thin rapier, and in his arms was the unconscious form of a girl with long, blue hair, and a white dress, decorations all over.  
  
"Ninian!" Nils cheered, rushing over to the man and the girl.  
  
"She'll be fine. She's just lost consciousness" the man explained. He grinned. His teeth tinged.  
  
--Ting--  
  
"And who are you?" Lyn asked.  
  
"I am Eliwood of Pherae. My father is the marquess."  
  
"The marquess' son..."  
  
"That's what I just said, didn't I?" Eliwood laughed. He looked down on the girl. "She was with a band of ruffians. She looked upset. She looked like she needed rescuing. Was I wrong in involving myself?"  
  
Nils beamed. "As long as Ninian is okay!" he said happily.  
  
"My name is Lyn" Lyn introduced. "I'm from Sacae. And quite weirdly, I'm also the Marquess' Caelin's granddaughter. It's a long story..."  
  
"I've got no where to go."

* * *

"And that's my story. It's not an easy tale to believe, I know..."  
  
Eliwood had waited patiently as Lyn told him her backstory. " Nah, I believe you."  
  
"Come again?"  
  
"At first sight, all I saw was a daughter of the plainsfolk. Now I can see it though. You have your grandfather's eyes, and your mother's..." his eyes trailed downwards.  
  
"Ahem."  
  
"Hair."  
  
"I take pride in it. Anyway, do you know my grandfather?"  
  
"The marquess of Caelin is my father's drinking buddy...erm...good friend...I also know that the people of Sacae tell no lies. It's true, isn't it?"  
  
"The drinking buddy or the no lies?"  
  
"The lies."  
  
"Yes, they're true."  
  
"Okay, now you're confusing me..." Sain muttered, who was also listening.  
  
Lyn glared at Sain.  
  
"I'll be quiet."  
  
"I never expected a Lycia lord to be so courteous to a Sacaen nomad."  
  
"You seemed to be in trouble" Eliwood shrugged. "And you're still in the shit creek without a paddle. May I offer assistence?"  
  
"Thanks, but it's my problem, and I'll handle it myself."  
  
"I see. I'll be in the area a few days longer. If you need help with anything, please let me know. Combat, tactics, tense shoulders..."  
  
"I knew it..."

* * *

"Ninian? Are you awake?" Nils asked.  
  
Ninian slowly opened her eyes, and just stared at Nils, before trapping him in a big hug. "I'm so glad you're safe, little brother..."  
  
Nils grinned, as Lyn, Kent, Sain and Cecil walked over. "These people helped me."  
  
"Who are they?"  
  
"Erm..I didn't quite get a full introduction..."  
  
"I'm Lyn. And I'm glad you're feeling better."  
  
"Lady Lyn..thank you. My brother and I are traveling performers."  
  
"The both of you? Your brother's a bard, and you are...?"  
  
"A dancer."  
  
"A dancer, eh?" Sain asked, coming a little closer. "If you need to practice, my lap's always available."  
  
"Sain....1, 2, 3..."  
  
"I'm gone."  
  
"You're dress doesn't look like that of a dancer."  
  
"Ninian's dances are those honoring life. It's special....sacred."  
  
"A sacred dance? What does that mean?"  
  
"It means it's sacred. D'uh."  
  
Lyn gave Nils a glare.  
  
"The....the dance we do during performances are normal" Ninian explained. "My other dance though..."  
  
"You only do it in private?" Sain grinned.  
  
"Sain..."  
  
The green knight rushed off  
  
"When they caught me, I twisted my ankle..."  
  
"Of course..."  
  
"I cannot dance to help you. Sorry."  
  
"Don't worry about it. We're just glad you're out of harm's way."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"But that leg though....you can't travel on it..."  
  
"Well, would it be alright if we were to travel with you?" Nils requested. "We could just use a little more protection, and we can provide some entertainment when things cool down a bit."  
  
"I'm all for it!" Sain beamed.  
  
"...excuse me." Lyn pulled out the Mani Katti. "Cecil, take over."  
  
"Okay (I'd run if I were you.)"  
  
"WHAAA!" Sain ran as fast as he could, as Lyn gave chase.  
  
"Look, kids" Cecil explained, "it's far too dangerous. We're being hunted, you see, and you never know when we're going to be attacked."  
  
"Oh, that's not a problem" Nils grinned. "In fact, we can help you on that factor."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"See, Ninian and I have a sixth sense about danger. We can sense when it's coming. On a similar note, look out."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Heeeeeelp!" Sain screamed, rushing past Cecil.  
  
--WHAM--  
  
Lyn ran right through Cecil, knocking him into the air. "STAND STILL SO I CAN KILL YOU!!" Lyn screamed.  
  
--Thud--  
  
"Okay...you got a deal..." Cecil said into the ground.  
  
Ninian grinned, before suddenly gasping. "Oh no..."  
  
"What is it, sis?" Nils asked.  
  
"My ring! It's gone!"  
  
"Your ring?" Cecil asked.  
  
"Not Ninis's Grace!"  
  
"The very one."  
  
"They stole it! Those bulleys!"  
  
"I take it that it was very valuable?"  
  
"Yes. It was a keepsake of our departed mother" Ninian explained.  
  
"It was blessed by the spirit of Ninis...there's no other like it in all the world" Nils added in. "And now those creeps have it."  
  
"Hmm..." Cecil pulled out a silver whistle, and blew into it. "Group meeting!" he shouted.  
  
Everyone came forward. Although it could be noted that Sain stood further away from Lyn than usual. And Serra was busy patching Sain up.  
  
"Okay guys, we've got a little problem here. Nils and Ninian say that their ring has been stolen from them. We have a choice. Do we go after those black robed wackos and get it back, or do we continue to Caelin?"  
  
"First kidnapping an innocent girl, and now this?" Sain gasped. "Those curs! I shall hunt them down myself if I have to!"  
  
"Not more distractions..." Erk moaned. "I want to get this mission over with as soon as possible so I don't have to put up with HER anymore..."  
  
"And just out of spite for you saying that, I say we get their ring back." Serra stuck out her tongue.  
  
"groan"  
  
"We can't waste any more time" Kent said firmly. "The marquess Caelin is slowly dying away. We must get to Caelin post haste."  
  
"Think of the GOLD, man!" Matthew said, shaking Kent. "Those weirdos must have some valuables in their hide out, and I want it!"  
  
"These...these people need to be taught a lesson!" Florina said, still stuttering. "I'm willing to face them, and get back their ring!"  
  
"What she said" Lucius said, pointing to Florina.  
  
"Well, by a unanimous vote, we're off to get Ninian's ring back." Cecil grinned at the girl. "Don't worry, we can handle these nut-jobs."  
  
"Th...thank you" Ninian bowed.

* * *

After finishing a glass of cold hard... soda (You thought it was gonna be beer, didn't you?), Kozo thought hard about what he was going to do. "No way I can return to Brendan like this...Likely that bitch, Sonia, will have me executed...unless..."  
  
Then he got an idea. He reached into his pocket and looked at the ring he had taken off of the girl's finger, secretly. "Yeah...She'll get them to come looking for it...I probably should return it...or..."  
  
A grin crossed his face, before he ran from the tavern to catch up with the other soldiers..."Dammit, guys! Wait up!" 


	10. Chapter Seven Gaiden: The Black Fang

**Fire Emblem 7, the Parody  
  
Chapter 7 Gaiden: The Black Fang  
**  
"Are you sure that they'll be coming here?" asked a medium sized woman with short, blue hair, earrings, and a purple, battle gown.  
  
"Of course, my lady" said the swordsman. "Master Kozo gives me his word. Those two brats will be coming back with us shortly."  
  
"Alright" the blue haired woman sneered. "I'm coming back tomorrow at dawn. If I don't see those kids, I'll punish you to the full extent of the Black Fang law."  
  
The swordsman gulped. "Of course..." he stuttered.  
  
The blue haired woman nodded, before leaving the fortress which made up the Black Fang outpost. She mounted her horse, and rode off.  
  
The swordsman looked over at Kozo, who appeared from the shadows. "You ARE positive they're comming here, right?" he asked.  
  
"Relax" Kozo laughed, holding up a small, obsidian ring. "The girl will be wanting this back. I'm sure Lyn and Cecil and the others will be coming any minute now."  
  
"Master Kozo! Commander Beyard! I'm sensing movement from the north! It's that nomad girl!" declared one of the shamans.  
  
"See, speak of the devil…" Kozo grinned.  
  
"And that underhanded tactician of her's as well!"  
  
"Make that devils… Are the kids with them?"  
  
"Yes, sir"  
  
"And you doubted me, Beyard…" Kozo turned to the swordsman, shaking his head, and re-pocketing the ring.  
  
"Alright, you louts!" Beyard bellowed. "Spread out! And make sure they fall to our hand!"  
  
"And spare those kids!" Kozo added in. "Anybody who doesn't will be fully punished... (By order of that bitch Sonia. I wonder what she want's with those brats? Hmm...)"

* * *

The team came to a stop outside the fortress. "Are you really going to get the ring back?" Nils asked, tilting his head.  
  
Lyn nodded. "We promised you that."  
  
"But this is their stronghold! They're bound to be well defended, let alone well armed!"  
  
"Please, forget about the ring..." Ninian squeaked. "It's okay..."  
  
"Don't think I didn't take it into consideration, you two" Cecil smirked. "You seriously underestimate our band. We can take a licking, give a licking."  
  
"Or in other words" Sain smirked, "we're finger licking good."  
  
"Um, guys, I don't mean to rain cursed items on your treasure hold" Matthew reported, coming out from the temple, "but there's more of them inside than first thought..."  
  
"Well this IS their stronghold" Lyn pointed out.  
  
"Um...I have a suggestion..." Florina stated, raising her hand. "Perhaps if we use these corridors to our advantage, we'd only have to face one at a time. Hmm?"  
  
"Excellent thinking, Florina" Cecil nodded. "Although be careful, because you never know when the walls crumble and you're attacked from two sides. Always stick with a partner."  
  
"Excellent!" Sain grinned. "I'll go with..."  
  
"You're coming with me, Sain" Kent ordered, grabbing him by the back of the collar, and dragging him in.  
  
"But that's not fair!"  
  
Serra grinned, and hopped over to Erk's side. "Come on, you're my escort, and you'll be my partner in this mission."  
  
"groan. Alright, fine..."  
  
Dorcas grabbed Wil by the arm, and dragged him in. "Come on, little man" he explained. "Let's go."  
  
"Ow! My arm! You're crushing my arm!"  
  
Matthew leapt onto Rath's horse, and kicked it in the ribs. "Let's go, let's go, let's go!"  
  
Rath sighed. "Alright, alright, just stop wiggling. It bothers my horse." With that, the two rode in.  
  
Lucius smiled, and mustled Nils' hair. "If it's alright, Cecil and I can stay out here and make sure these kids will be alright."  
  
Lyn nodded. "But if we get out and they're not here, I'll do to you what I did to Sain during our last team meeting!"  
  
"Of...of course, Lady Lyndis..." Lucius stuttered.  
  
Florina walked over to Lyn, rubbing her arm. "I...I guess that means I go..with you, Lyn" she said squeakily.  
  
Lyn gave a grin. "As long as you're with me, you've got nothing to worry about. Come on." With that, she took Florina by the arm, and lead her in.  
  
"Are you sure they'll all be alright?" Lucius asked, looking over at Cecil.  
  
The tactician grinned. "They'll be fine, provided they don't get in over their heads."

* * *

"Eeeek! They're after me!" Serra screamed, running through the corridors.  
  
Erk turned around, and threw a ball of flame at the pursuing bandits, before returning to his run. "Damnit, I told you not to make a sound in this place! It echos like crazy!"  
  
"You're my protector, right?" Serra asked. "Then stop running and start protecting me!"  
  
"What part of _shut up _seems to be escaping you!?"  
  
As the two rounded the corner, they ran into some familiar faces.  
  
"Damnit, watch where you're going!" Wil barked, rubbing his back.  
  
Dorcas just stared, as Erk pulled himself off the ground, having fallen over after running into the big man. "What's going on?" he asked simply.  
  
"There they are! Take no prisoners!" shouted one of the Black Fang members.  
  
"That" Erk said simply, pointing to the horde. From said finger, he fired another ball of fire.  
  
"What, that all?" Wil laughed, before shooting down another.  
  
"Well, considering all I had for a partner was Serra" Erk sighed, before slamming a palm into the chest of a spearman, and sending him flying away.  
  
"And what is that supposed to mean!?" Serra barked, as a swordsman came up from behind her.  
  
"RAAAAH!" he screamed, as he raised his sword for attack.  
  
--WHAM--  
  
Serra bashed the head of her staff into the swordsman's face. "Not now. Screaming at my escort."  
  
"ow..." thud  
  
An enemy archer hid from behind a corner, and readied his arrow. He then leapt out at the group, and was about to shot at Dorcas, when a sword plunged into his back. His arrow flew into the roof instead.  
  
"Ack..." he choked.  
  
Matthew smirked, and pivoted, dragging his blade along the archer's back, cutting the spinal cord in half. The archer gave a short scream, before falling to a heap.  
  
"Someone call for a hero?" Matthew asked, with a laugh.  
  
"Nope" Wil shook his head.  
  
"Don't think so" Erk sighed.  
  
"I'd remember if I did" Serra tapped her chin.  
  
"..." Do I even have to say who said this?  
  
"Ah forget it" Matthew sighed. "Oh, Dorcas, you'll never guess what me and Rath found just for you in one of the Black Fang's chests."  
  
"..."  
  
"This." Matthew pulled out a large, heavy warhammer. He tossed it as best as he could, and Dorcas caught it easily. "Now, let's kick some more bad guy butt!" Matthew grinned, giving a thumbs-up.

* * *

Meanwhile...  
  
The spear flew out of the spearman's hand, and flew straight in Lyn's general direction. "Die, nomad girl!" he screamed.  
  
Now, his plan on killing her then and there would've worked, if a certain, orchid haired lass hadn't been there to swoop down and give Lyn a lift. Just in time.  
  
Lyn grinned. "Thanks, Florina. Now let me down."  
  
Florina nodded, and let go, as Lyn came down on the spearman, cutting him down the middle with the Mani Katti. Florina averted her gaze. So did Lyn, actually.  
  
As the two halves of the former enemy fell to the ground, a horse rode over to Lyn. "Sister of Sacae" the rider said simply, nodding.  
  
"Rath!" Lyn smiled widely. "It's good to know they didn't get you!"  
  
The nomad kept a blank face, but if you looked closely, he actual smirked. "Matthew and I have not run into anything, so we are both relitively safe. To be honest, I was kind of worried about you, Lyndis."  
  
Florina glared at Rath, and suddenly caught herself. She didn't know WHY she just glared, but she did...  
  
"Where are Sain and Kent?" Lyn asked. "Did you see them?"  
  
"eeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEE!" Sain screamed, his voice getting louder and louder as he came closer. He was flying through the air, and crashed into the side wall. Kent soon followed, rolling along the ground, and coming to a stop at Lyn's feet.  
  
"...Now I did" Rath said simply.  
  
"Who d..did this to you two?" Florina stuttered, shocked that people like Sain and Kent were sent flying.  
  
"That guy..." Kent moaned, raising his hand, and pointing at a shaman who approached. This one was...different from the others they faced. His robes were blood red, with the symbol of fangs on either shoulder.  
  
The shaman chortled. "You've seen what I did to your mounted companions" he said calmly. "Do you really think you can end up any different?"  
  
Rath said nothing, as he readied his bow, and fired. The shaman smirked under his cowl, and raised one of his fingers. The arrow froze, before clattering to the ground a few feet from him.  
  
Rath didn't say anything. Only growled.  
  
"Now...who should I kill first" he looked over the gang. He suddenly pointed at Florina. "Ah, of course…" He suddenly raised his middle finger. "Flux you" he said simply, as a spear of dark matter fired at Florina.  
  
The pegasus knight was amazingly quicker than the bolt, and ducked down, and landed. The pegasus actually galloped towards the shaman, before Florina drove her lance through the shamans gut.  
  
Or, at least, it would've, had the shaman not teleported a few feet away, to Florina's left. "You're not bad, but aren't most Pegasus Knights faster than that?"  
  
A blur of red and green dashed past the shaman. He blinked, before shaking his head. Matthew, however, looked over the ring he just swiped with fancy. "Heh. Ain't this a pretty catch?" he asked himself, before pocketing it.  
  
"Now then, where was I...Ah yes!" He raised both hands, and started mumbling a dark chant. A circle of black runes surrounded him. His eyes snapped open, and glowed violently. It was there the team could notice his purple eyes, but they had no time to concern themselves with that now, because...  
  
"ECLIPSE!" he shouted, as the runes came into the air, and sped towards Lyn.  
  
_I don't have time to avoid all those runes!_ Lyn screamed in her head.  
  
"Lyn!" Florina screamed, swooping down and scooping her up again, as the magic runes continued on, and smacked into Rath. The nomad flew off his horse, and landed on his behind.  
  
He growled, and pulled out his bow. "That hurt, you know...I'll make you pay..."  
  
The shaman sneered. "Oh will you now?" he asked. "I'm afraid that wasn't even close to my strongest… But I grow bored of this silly game you try to play with me!" He linked his hands together, and started chanting. Appearing above him was a tear in time and space, and trying to paw its way out was a tall, black wolf. "Fen…"  
  
The shaman was about to complete the spell, when he felt a sword go into his back. He lost concentration, and screamed in pain. The wolf and the tear dissipated.  
  
"Guh… What the hell…?" the shaman slowly looked over his shoulder.  
  
Matthew smirked. "Backstab Multiplier x2, Critical Hit Multiplier x2, Surprise Attack x2" he explained. He pulled his sword up. "Shall I go for a second attack?"  
  
The shaman growled, before backing up. Blood poured from his back. "Screw this… Beyard, you're on your own. I'm going for the kids." he wheezed, before vanishing into thin air.  
  
The swordsman gulped, as the other members of the _Lyndis Legion_(tm) came around the corner, weapons ready. "I'm a dead man..." he said sadly. He took out a vial containing a sickly green liquid, and chugged down the contents. He choked and wheezed, before crumbling to his feet.  
  
"Poison?" Lyn stared. "He'd take his own life..."  
  
"This is no ordinary gang of ruffians" Kent muttered. "They were highly trained and organized."  
  
"We might as well start looking for that ring. It could be anywhere in here."  
  
The gang nodded, and started to spread out, looking. Before Florina could get away, though, Lyn took her by the shoulder. "Florina..." she said, with a blank face. She then grinned. "Was I sure lucky you were there. You're a lot braver then when we last were together."  
  
Florina blushed, and scratched her cheek. "I can't just let you get hurt...without at least trying to help you..."  
  
Lyn smiled, and kissed Florina on the forehead. "And I'm glad you try your hardest. Now, let's go." With that, Lyn walked off to find Ninis's Grace.  
  
Florina's face turned several shades of red, and just stood there for a while, before running to catch up with Lyn.

* * *

Outside, the shaman appeared in front of Lucius and the kids. Both of them backed up, Cecil standing in front of them.  
  
"What do you want?" Lucius growled. "Foul magic user…"  
  
"Shut up and get lost, prissy boy" the Shaman growled, forming a ball of dark energy on the tip of his middle finger. "Or I'll flux you good…"  
  
"Try me. Go, my pretty colors!" he swung his arms, balls of light energy flying at the shaman.  
  
He laughed, sticking up his middle finger. "Flux off, Blondie!"  
  
The two spells collided in mid-air, creating an explosion of magic that ended up enveloping the two. When it cleared, Lucius was knocked out and the enemy shaman was barely standing, though there was still a fire in his eyes.  
  
"Lucius!" Ninian cried out.  
  
"Now, then, why don't you just give me the children…" the shaman smirked. "You're at least worthy of my respects if you managed to get rid of two separate armies of my men…I don't want to have to kill you, but I will if you don't move."  
  
Another dark energy ball floated on his fingers. "So? Going to move or not?"  
  
"You don't look so tough…" Cecil pulled a spear seemingly out of nowhere, a cap covering the tip.  
  
"Very well, it was nice knowing you" the shaman laughed, though inside he was quite pissed off at still being referred to as 'The Shaman', even though we all know his name. Kozo lifted his finger. "Fluxing bastard, go away!"  
  
Dark energy shot out, weakening Cecil greatly, but he stood his ground, the two children hiding behind him.  
  
"Cecil! Are you okay?" Nils asked.  
  
"I'm fine…" Cecil charged towards Kozo, raising the spear. "Take this, you bastard!"  
  
Kozo barely dodged in time, teleporting beside Cecil. "Hmm… Rare to see a tactician that can defend himself… I thought I was the only one. Oh well. Good bye!" he smirked, tracing symbols in the air. "Say hello to the underworld for me! LUNA!"  
  
A black cat popped out of his hands and then dashed towards Cecil, biting him right on the nose before disappearing in a flash of black light that knocked Cecil unconscious.  
  
The two children were scared. "Umm… help! HELP!" Nils cried desperately, pulling his sister behind him.  
  
"How sweet…" Kozo laughed, walking over to them, the two of them paralyzed in fear. He kneeled down next to Nils, staring at the boy.  
  
"Back off! I'm warning you! I've got a… a… I've got a flute, and I know how to use it!" he brandished the 'weapon' dangerously.  
  
Kozo laughed again. "Don't worry, I'm only here to take you back to the boss, and…"  
  
His eyes met with Nils. He froze. There was a few moments of silence, with the two males staring deep into each other's eyes. Quite suddenly, the creepy background music that was playing shifted to a softer tune, sounding along the lines of "Can you feeeel, the love tonight...?".  
  
"Damn screwy soundtrack..." Kozo cursed.  
  
"Nils? Nils?" Ninian shook him, snapping both of them out of it.  
  
"Hmph… I didn't… I'll… Stay out of trouble, you two" Kozo backed up, traced a symbol in the air, and then disappeared.  
  
"What was that about?" Ninian asked.  
  
"I… I don't know…" Nils blinked. "What a strange person."

* * *

"I don't get it..." Wil muttered, after the gang regrouped after two hours of searching. Serra and Florina were busy applying first aid to Lucius and Cecil, who they found unconscious. "I've looked everywhere and I couldn't find it..."  
  
Dorcas shook his head. "Nor did I..."  
  
After similar reports from everyone, Matthew suddenly froze. "Um...what did this ring look like?" he asked, slowly turning to face Ninian.  
  
"Um..it was made of obsidian stone..."  
  
"uh-oh."  
  
"Had a ruby on the top of it..."  
  
"Uh-oh."  
  
"And several other jewels lining it."  
  
"This...ehe...this wouldn't happen to be it, would it?" he asked sheepishly, pulling out the ring he pick pocketed earlier.  
  
"Ninis's Grace!" Ninian cheered. She rushed over to Matthew, and gave him a hug, before taking the ring.  
  
"Matthew! Where'd you find it?" Lyn asked.  
  
"Erm...I stole it from that purple eyed shaman..."  
  
"You mean you've had it for the past two hours, and you didn't tell us!?"  
  
"I was meaning to tell you, but I got a little...."  
  
{Flashback}  
Matthew's jaw dropped. He had stumbled upon this outpost's treasure hold. He cheered, and dived into the piles of gold.  
  
"..." Rath stared. "Shouldn't we be looking for the ring?"  
  
"You go on ahead, I want to spend some quality time with my cash."  
  
"..." Rath rode off.  
{Back to the present}  
  
"…Sidetracked."  
  
"...Stand still for just a few minutes..." Lyn growled, pulling out her sword.  
  
"Meep." Matthew squeaked, before running the hell away.  
  
"Stand still so I can kill you!"

* * *

"WHAT!?!?" Brendan roared at Kozo.  
  
"I couldn't get the kids… sir…" Kozo panted, still in pain from his stab wound and the blast of magic from his confrontation with Lucius.  
  
"I thought you were an unparalleled shaman, Kozo" Brendan shook his head. "It shames me to see you fail!"  
  
"Wait, Brendan… Hear me out… Those kids…" Kozo tried to explain something, but Sonia muttered something under her breath, and suddenly Kozo found himself unable to speak.  
  
"Consider yourself lucky that you're not a member of the Black Fang, that instead you're my friend…" Brendan growled.  
  
"Otherwise we'd have you executed" Sonia pouted. "Oooh, and I so wanted to see those kids!" Sonia started to cry.  
  
Brendan gave her a comforting hug. "There, there, love. It's okay."  
  
Sonia calmed down, and looked over at Kozo, her eyes turning into slits. Kozo just glared at her.  
  
"Why do you two insist on glaring at each other?" Brendan noticed. The two gazes snapped away. "Kozo" Brendan ordered, "you are dismissed!"  
  
"Fine, I'm out of here" Kozo said, starting to turn around. "But it's a shame… You're not the same Brendan I used to know…"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"You seem to have lost all sense of human compassion. Though in this business that can be seen as good… Where's the Brendan who used to give us cookies? Who used to give his minions who failed a slap on the wrist and more training instead of killing them on the spot? Who actually cared about all of us. It all changed when that stupid frog who's clinging onto your left arm showed up."  
  
"Hey! I'm holding onto his _right_ arm, you slimy…" Sonia hissed.  
  
"That's enough, both of you!" Brendan roared. "Now get out of my sight!"  
  
Kozo blew some hair out of his face, before leaving. "If this is how you are now, Brendan… I have but one thing to say…"  
  
"That being?" Brendan seemed slightly hopeful.  
  
"Tell Nino I said bye" Kozo didn't turn to face them, instead, he teleported away.  
  
"Damnit, he was supposed to say he was sorry for all of this!" Brendan growled.  
  
"We're better without him" Sonia replied.  
  
"But…"  
  
"We're better without him" she glared hard.  
  
"You're right, we're better without him!" Brendan quickly corrected himself.

* * *

A black screen. Sounds of hammers, power drills and cursing were heard in the background. The screen started to fill with light, showing Yoshimo (hands both wrapped up in bandages) and Chibi-Zell, constructing two giant dials.  
  
"...Turn off the camera. We're not done yet."  
  
--click--  
--click--  
  
"Just a few more minutes, alright Andy?"  
  
"Oh..."  
  
--click--  
--click--  
  
"Damn it, Andy, can't you see we're..."  
  
"Done!" Chibi Zell cheered, crawling out from under the second dial. "Okay, Yoshi. It's done."  
  
"....ahem. Welcome to the first installment of _The Wheel of Randomosity_."  
  
"Uh-oh" Sain muttered off screen. "I don't like the sound of that..."  
  
"Where we spin these two dials, and whoever they land on have to kiss." Yoshimo put on a grin, and muttered under his breath through clenched teeth "This should keep the fangirls at bay..."  
  
"Or attract them in vicious hordes" Chibi-Zell pointed out.  
  
"Sssh. Alright, who wants to spin the first dial?"  
  
"Me! Me!" Kozo cheered. He grabbed the first wheel, and spun it with all his might. The wheel went flying upwards.  
  
"...You broke it, you fix it. I need a drink..."  
  
--click--  
--click--  
  
"Okay, let's try this again..."  
  
This time, when Kozo gave the spin, it twirled around normally.  
  
"Wheel of Randomosity, whirl whirl whirl. Land on a pairing and don't make us hurl."  
  
The first wheel slowed down, and stopped with the pointer aimed at a picture of Sain.  
  
"Yes!" Sain cheered. "Alright, ladies! You shall know the glory of my...hey, wait a minute...Yoshimo, are there guys on the second wheel?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Ehe...oh no..."  
  
Kozo spun the second wheel. Sain crossed his fingers. "Any of the girls, any of the girls, any of the girls...."  
  
Minoa crossed her fingers. "Any of the guys, any of the guys, any of the guys..."  
  
"None of the guys, none of the guys..." Yoshimo muttered, fingers crossed.  
  
"None of the girls, none of the girls...." Chibi-Zell muttered.  
  
Kozo kept his smirk.  
  
The second wheel slowed down, and landed on....  
  
"Oh no..." Sain muttered.  
  
Yoshimo sighed.  
  
Minoa and Chibi-Zell gave each other the twin high five.  
  
It had landed on none other than Kent.  
  
Sain, tense all over, slowly and awkwardly stepped onto the stage. Kent walked on calmly. He sighed. "We might as well get this over with, and get this damn monkey off our backs."  
  
A small, brown chimp was pounding Kent's back with it's pint-sized fists.  
  
Sain sighed, and loosened up. Kent cupped his hand under Sain's chin, and pulled them closer together.  
  
"Oooooooo!" Minoa squealed.  
  
"Oh would you shut up?" Kent muttered. "Neither of us are enjoying this."  
  
"Sure" Chibi-Zell said, rolling his eyes.  
  
Kent sighed, and finally give Sain a short kiss on the lips. After Kent let go, the two walked off the stage in opposite directions. Sain was shuddering, stricken with the heebie-jeebies, while Kent pulled out a travel bottle of mouth wash, and practically downed it in a gulp or two.  
  
"Now that was just too convenient that the wheels would land on those two exactly" Yoshimo muttered. He looked over at Kozo. "You didn't rig it, did you?"  
  
"Of course not" Kozo grinned, while kicking the tool box behind his back.  
  
"Hmm...alright, till next time, I'm Yoshimo!"  
  
"And I'm Chibi-Zell!"  
  
"And I swear I didn't rig it!" Kozo pointed out.


	11. Chapter Eight: Vortex of Strategy

**Fire Emblem 7, The Parody  
  
Chapter 08: Vortex of Strategy  
  
**Author's Note: As you have seen in the previous chapter, I have introduced the Wheel of Randomosity, a feature I was planning to use at the end of every Gaiden Chapter, mainly for some random and fun humor. However, I noticed that the chapter that featured it produced very minimal reviews, so I assume I may have accidently alienated some of my readers with this thing. Is that the case, or are my usual audience just on vacation? Should or shouldn't I keep with my idea for the Wheel of Randomosity?

* * *

Passing through Araphen and Khatelet, Lyn and her friends at last arrive in Caelin. However, Caelin is now under the rule of High Commander Lundgren, all hail the mauve armored general...erm, excuse me.  
  
Lundgren's henchmen lay in wait to assassinate Lyn, like the ones in Chapter 06, when you think about it. They wait for her approach, and ready their special weapon.  
  
What is this weapon, you ask? Why it's none other than...Ze Ubertank of Dooooooom!  
  
{Dun, dun, duuuuun!}  
  
Well, not really.

* * *

Lyn breathed in some of the freash, open air, and looked behind her. "The mountains seem so far away now. We've come such a long way..."  
  
"M'lady Lyndis!" Sain reported. "Sir Cecil! We can't be far from the castle now!"  
  
"Should be two day's ride if we hurry" Kent nodded.  
  
"Two more days....we're so close, grandfather. Please..."  
  
Florina walked over to Lyn, and took her hands. "Cheer up, Lyn. If they see you looking so sad, the entire party will lose heart."  
  
"Florina..." Lyn smiled. "You're right. Nothing gained from worrying. We'll just have to press onwards."  
  
Florina grinned. "That's the spirit!"  
  
Nils suddenly interupted this happy moment. "Lyndis...danger approaches..."  
  
Florina let go of Lyn's hands, as the nomad noble looked over at Nils. "Are you sure?"  
  
Sain looked around. "I don't see anything."  
  
"I can feel it too..." Ninan muttered, before flinching. "M'lady! Don't move!"  
  
--Twang--  
  
"I regret nothiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!" screamed the soldier, as he flew through the air.  
  
--PHOOM--  
  
Said soldier landed a few feet away from Lyn, head first in the ground. "Telegram for Lady Lyndis..." he muttered from under the earth, holding up a letter.  
  
Lyn took it, before the arm fell limp. The girl unfolded the telegram, and read it aloud.  
  
_Dear Lyndis  
__Turn back now and never again come near Caelin, or feel the wrath of Lundgren. Our balista is locked onto your current position.  
Cheers,  
Sir Yogi._  
  
"What the...?" Lyn muttered, looking over the letter several times.  
  
--Twang--  
  
--Thunk--  
  
An arrow fell a few feet in front of the soldier, at Lyn's foot. She blinked, and took the note from it.  
  
_Dear Lyn  
That was just a practice shot, to see if it still worked after firing Generic Spearman #44073. This time, we're sending the big guns.  
Sincerly,  
Sir Yogi._  
  
"...Okay, now this is just getting stupid."  
  
"Incoming!" Nils screamed.  
  
--TWANG--  
  
Lyn looked up, and noticed a bolt as big as Dorcas screaming towards her. "HOLY SHIT!" she screamed, before running out of the way.  
  
So did all the others. Quite suddenly, Matthew started pushing a few rocks in the way, and ran away again.  
  
--BOOM--  
  
The bolt fell on the rock pile, as diamonds and precious gems flew in all directions.  
  
"I knew it!" Matthew cheered.  
  
"What the HELL was that!?" Erk demanded.  
  
"It was a balista" Kent explained. "A siege weapon made for long distence attacks. Only archers can use them, but they can be devestating."  
  
"Lundgren is getting serious..." Sain muttered. "Deploying a balista is no mean feat..."  
  
"Any way to combat it?" Lyn asked.  
  
"It takes a while to reload" Kent explained. "If we rush it, we could take out the archer pioleting it."  
  
"That's settled!" Sain grinned. "Let's go!"  
  
Lyn looked over at Wil. "Wil, can you use a balista?"  
  
"Well, never tried one before, but they're only an extra large bow, right? Shouldn't be too hard to figure out."  
  
Lyn nodded. "Sain, Kent, take Wil with you. We can use their own weapon against them!"  
  
Sain nodded, and picked up Wil, who got himself properly seated on the horse. Sain pulled on the reigns. "Let's go!" he shouted, as the two horsemen rode off.  
  
"Now all we do is pray..." Lyn muttered.

* * *

"Now where is it..." Sain muttered, looking around.  
  
"When the bolt came flying towards us, it came from the southwest of our position, so I'd say...over...there!" Kent pointed with his sword.  
  
Where the blade was pointing, there was a giant crossbow head sticking out of the forest.  
  
"...Not one for concealment, are they?" Sain asked.  
  
"Mmm-mm" Wil shook his head, as the three rode over.  
  
"God frig it, I told them this was more than a one person job" complained the enemy archer, as he readied the next bolt still. "But would they listen to me? Noo, they just stuck me here by myself. Now, what if some group of enemies were to come up out of no where?"  
  
"Like us?" Kent asked with a sadistic grinned.  
  
"Yeah. Like you. Anyway, suppose they came up out of no where. I'd be a sitting duck and--OH GOD! MY SPINAL CORD! YOU'RE RIPPING OUT MY SPINAL CORD! OH GOD, NOW YOU'RE BEATING ME WITH IT! THIS IS THE WORST PAIN IMAGINEIBLE! Gaaaaah! ..."  
  
Wil kicked away the corpse, before looking up at the Balista. "Well, time to get to work."  
  
With some help from the two calvaliers, Wil finished loading the oversized crossbow, and got into the piolet's seat. "Okay..." he muttered, looking at the two buttons on the hand grips on his arm rest. "One must be for firing...the other for turning. But which is which..."  
  
He sighed, and raised his left thumb over it's respective button. "Here it goes..." he muttered. He pushed it.  
  
--TWANG--  
  
The bolt flew off. At the gang.  
  
"...whoops."

* * *

Meanwhile, the gang was swarmed by enemy units. They were doing their best to hold them off, when Nils again let out a scream of "Incoming!"  
  
The gang looked up, and instantly scattered. Another bolt was coming their way. Serra and Florina just barely got out of the path, as the bolt landed just inches behind them, destroying all the bad guys, though.  
  
"Florina!" Lyn gasped, running over to the pegasus knight. "Are you okay?"  
  
"I...I'm fine" Florina panted, scared out of her wits.  
  
"Damn it, it missed..." Erk muttered.  
  
"Are you blind?" Serra asked. "The enemy attacking us are gone. Kaput. Dead."  
  
"...Never mind."

* * *

"Okay, that first shot was a bit of a screw up" said Wil, as he pressed the other button, turning the balista around. "But I'll get it right this time."  
  
He pressed another button, this one green, and wasn't one of the two he had to choose a few paragraphs ago. A small window appeared in front of him, as the image of a swordsman with strange looking sword appeared. "Say goodbye!" he laughed, before firing.  
  
A bolt flew high, before coming down, impaling the swordsman, knocking the blade out of his hand, and actually taking care of burying him six feet under.  
  
"Boo-ya!" Wil laughed, before getting out the load the next missile.

* * *

"Sir Yogi!" reported a mounted cavalier. "The balista! It has been taken!"  
  
"What!? Oh damn, now I really hope those reienforcements come soon..."  
  
"Do not worry, commander. I'm sure they'll be here any second now."  
  
_{Ten minutes later...}_  
  
"Yeah...any...minute now..."  
  
"Don't count on it!" Sain laughed, as he, Kent and Florina all came into view. Followed by the rest of the _Lyndis Legion_(tm), minus Wil.  
  
"Oh...crap..." Yogi gulped. "Um...attack!"  
  
"Too late, buddy!" Kent shouted. He lifted up the odd looking sword he picked up in the forest right next to a balista bolt. "I happen to know this baby's a Lancereaver, which means it reverses the Weapons Triangle, and your history!"  
  
"Says you!" Sir Yogi barked. He readied his lance. "This baby's an Axereaver! And as it's against another reaver weapon, the triangle is back to normal! Now, ready to die!?"  
  
--TWANG--  
  
Everything seemed to slow down.  
  
"Siiiiiiiir Yooooooogiiiiiii!" shouted one of the enemy knights.  
  
Yogi slowly turned his head, and noticed the bolt. Which seemed to be going in a slower motion than everyone else. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo--" Sir Yogi checked his watch, "--ooooooooooooo--" he examined his fingernails. "--ooooooooo!"  
  
--THUNK--  
  
The bolt tore through the knight, killing him in a half second. The late Sir Yogi toppled over, everything returning to normal speed.  
  
"Sir Yogi is dead!" said the knight who tried to warn him.  
  
"Dead!? Retreat!" shouted a cavalier, as everyone made their escape.  
  
"Just like Dominos" Sain laughed. "Knock down one, and they all fall over!"  
  
There was a cheer from the crew. Dorcas puffed out his chest, and gave a victorious laugh. Nils cheered and gave a little dance. Lyn and Florina grabbed onto each other in a hug...before breaking off and putting some distence between them, blushing.  
  
Wil ran over to Lyn, and bowed low. "Lady Lyndis!" he begged. "I'm so glad you're okay!"  
  
"What are you talking about, Wil?" Lyn asked, thankful for this distraction.  
  
"Well...see...when I got to the balista, I sorta...fired it at you guys."  
  
"You did WHAT!?"

* * *

"Now...now...now M'lady, please be resonable!" Wil stuttered, as Lyn loaded him, tied up, into the balista. "It was an accident, I swear!"  
  
"Which button's to aim?" Lyn asked.  
  
"The one on the right. Anyway, at first, I didn't know which was which! I didn't mean to shoot at you!"  
  
"Sain, where's the nearest lake?"  
  
"That way, m'lady" Sain informed, pointing in the lake's general direction.  
  
"Thank you." Lyn aimed the balista in the opposite direction.  
  
"Please, oh dear god, don't..."  
  
"FIRE!"  
  
--TWANG--  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa......" Wil screamed, getting quieter by the second, as he rocketed through the air.

* * *

A blue haired, heavily armored noble rode along the dirt path, along side Eliwood, the red haired pretty boy we met a few chapters back. The blue haired one didn't look much older, and had an axe resting in his lap.  
  
"...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...." Wil screamed, coming closer and closer.  
  
Eliwood looked up. "Hey, Hector..." he muttered. "That looks like Wil. He was a member of Lyndis's gang that I told you about."  
  
"Oh, is he now?" Hector asked, looking up.  
  
"aaaaaAAAAAAA..."  
  
Hector pulled out a portable trampoline, and held it between him and the incoming Wil.  
  
--Streach--  
  
--BOING--  
  
"AAAAaaaaaaa...."

* * *

"Here he comes." Cecil put away his binoculars, and looked over at Florina and Serra. "Have you set up the matresses?"  
  
Florina nodded. Serra grinned, and gave the thumbs up.  
  
"aaaaaaaAAAAAA!"  
  
--PHOOM--  
  
Wil landed perfectly on the matresses. "...I hurt in places that don't exist..." he moaned.  
  
A familiar laugh was heard. Everyone turned, to notice Matthew, sitting in one of the upper branches. "Hey guys!" he waved. He flipped off, and landed perfectly on his feet. "Did I miss all the fun?"  
  
"Where were you for all this?" Lyn asked.  
  
"I was just snooping around for information and funding, you see."  
  
"Were you successful?"  
  
"On both counts, yes. Now then..."  
  
--CRASH--  
  
"I've got to get bigger pockets..." Matthew muttered, gathering up the loot he dropped. "As I was saying, your grandpappy has been ill and abed for a good three months now. What really makes me raise an eyebrow is the exacts of his condition: This is no common illness."  
  
"Let me guess. He's been poisoned" Cecil asked, rolling his eyes.  
  
"You got it. No one's willing to give a name. I had to pay a pretty penny (with his own money) to get the barkeeper to say anything. And guess who's been poisoning your grandfather?"  
  
Lyn was about to guess, before Matthew answered for her. "His own brother: Lord Lundgren."  
  
"And they're letting him get away with this!?" Lyn demanded.  
  
"It is only a rumer. And if they go against Lundgren...they're in one deep sack of crap. And the worst is yet to come..."  
  
"There's more?" Sain moaned.  
  
"An imposter appeared, claiming to be the marquess's granddaughter. Or rather, that's the story Lundgren's telling everyone who'll listen."  
  
"Meaning...?"  
  
"They're waiting for two traitorous knights, and a baseborn child to appear and lay claim to Castle Caelin."  
  
"But...but that...it can't be!" Sain shouted.  
  
"Oathbreakers? Us!? Ridiculous!" Kent raised his voice.  
  
"Imposter, am I?" Lyn asked, an evil look on her face.  
  
"Don't you have anything you have that can prove your heritage?" Matthew asked.  
  
"I did have this pendant my mother gave me..." Lyn muttered. "With a picture of all of us inside it." She reached for it, but then realized something. "It's....gone!" She glared at Matthew. "You didn't..."  
  
"No! I swear! I wouldn't pilfer anything of your's! Besides, I don't have any necklaces in my colletion!"  
  
"Okay, Lyn, think hard" Cecil instructed. "Where did you last remember having it?"  
  
"..." Lyn closed her eyes, thinking hard.

* * *

Meanwhile, all the way back at Lyn's old home, a shiney, golden pendant sat idily on the bedside table, right next to the picture of Florina.  
  
"AH CRAP!"

* * *

"Marquess Araphen said it himself; you look so much like your mother!" Sain said, a glimmer of hope in his voice. "Your face is proof!"  
  
"They'll say we found a look alike somewhere...we're seen as traitors to our knightly vows. Our word means nothing" Kent explained. "Our only hope is Marquess Caelin himself."  
  
"We must hurry. If not, my grandfather...I must see him! With my last breath if need be!"  
  
"And that very well be the case if we just rush in there" Matthew shook his head. "We need a plan."  
  
Cecil snapped his fingers. "That noble we met back in Kathelet! Smelly Wood!"  
  
"Eliwood" Lyn corrected.  
  
"What ever. Point is, he took pity on our plight. So if we talk to him, we might get some support."  
  
"Sounds like a long shot, but, what the hell" Lyn shrugged. "Alright, back to Kathelet!"  
  
"(There she goes, pissing on my idea again...)"


	12. Chapter Nine: A Grim Reunion

**Fire Emblem 7, the Parody  
  
Chapter 09: A Grim Reunion**  
  
Lyn and her friends have been branded as traitors, pretenders to the throne. Lundgren has sen word to Caelin's neighbors, warning them of Lyn's approach. He calls for reinforcements to put an end to the "imposter". If the other realms of Lycia choose to act, Lyn will never reach Caelin alive. Lyn places her faith in Eliwood and waits.  
  
'Course, that's not what _I_ would have done, but nobody ever listens to me.

* * *

"I've recieved word from Caelin's neighbors" Eliwood informed Lyn, as heroic, fast pased music played in the background. "Laus, Tuscana, Kathelet, Tania, Santaruz, and Mister and Miss Eggelton. They have sworn to remain neutral in Caelin's affairs."  
  
"Thank you so much, Eliwood!" Lyn beamed.  
  
"Of course, that's all I've been able to do. And by doing that, I too cannot aid you in any way either."  
  
"That's okay. We can handle ourselves pretty well."  
  
Eliwood smiled, and nodded, before taking his leave. "Good luck to you, Lyndis. Perhaps we will meet again." With that, he leapt onto his horse, and pulled the reigns. "High ho, Tinfoil! Away!" And with that, Eliwood rode off into the sunset. In the middle of the day. Don't ask me how he pulled that off, he just did.  
  
Hector sighed. "Yeah, see ya" he said simply, before urging his horse forward.  
  
With that, Lyn and the others got ready for the final streach. "Okay, Sain, how much further to the Castle Caelin?"  
  
"Mmm...should reach there by high noon tomorrow, if we leave now. As in right now." With that, he urged his horse forward.  
  
"Of course, that's if we take the quick way" Kent pointed out, "which just so happens to pass through General Eagler's estate. We've one more obstactle to overcome."  
  
"Otherwise, this wouldn't make for much of a chapter, now, would it?" Cecil grinned.

* * *

"Damnit, Roland..." Yoshimo moaned, not even bothering to shout cut.

* * *

There was a low, rumbling noise. "Earthquake!" Serra paniked.  
  
"No" Dorcas looked up. "Someone's coming down that side of the hill."  
  
"Well, he must be pretty heavy to make that sort of noise..."  
  
"I'm not fat!" shouted said person, as he came into view, skidding to a stop in front of the gang. He was wearing bulky, silver armor, was bald, big mouthed, double chined, and gray eyed. "Just big boned."  
  
"Ya" Serra smirked. "Really, REALLY big boned."  
  
"HEY!"  
  
"Don't mind her" Erk sighed. "She manages to piss everyone off..."  
  
"Wait a minute, I know you..." Kent muttered, before leaping off his horse, and rushing over to the knight. "Sir Wallace!"  
  
"Eh! Kent!" Wallace beamed, giving the knight a high five.  
  
There was an audible cracking noise, before Kent clenched his hand that was just high fived. "Ah! My fighting hand!" he wailed.  
  
"Well, that set aside..." Lyn muttered.  
  
"Geez, we should probably get some ice on that" Cecil contemplated.  
  
"Who are you, oh fa--" Lyn started, turning her attention back to the knight.  
  
"Grrr..." Wallace growled.  
  
"Oh familar one to Kent?"  
  
"I am Sir Wallace, knight of Caelin, and their strongest shield. Weapons break against me!"  
  
"I'm sure you break a lot of things" Serra snickered.  
  
"Watch it...ahem, I have recieved orders from Lord Lundgren to capture two oath breakers and an imposter claiming to be the marquess's granddaughter."  
  
"Does this mean we have to fight?" Lyn asked, grabbing the hilt of her new Armorslayer. "Because I'm not going to back down."  
  
Wallace grinned. "Nah, I wouldn't pick a fight with ye."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because A: Lundgren is a lying, no good son of a..."  
  
"If you finish that sentance" Kent pointed out, "you're insulting the marquess as well."  
  
"Point. But you get the idea. And B: If there's one thing I learned, it's that people with eyes as bright as your's can always be trusted."  
  
"I wouldn't be so sure..." Nils pointed out. "Ever hear of a kid named Malus?"  
  
"You're the splitting image of Lady Madelyn" Wallace grinned. "That settles it! I, Wallace, the Boldest Knight of Caelin, shall fight by your side!"  
  
Cecil just stared, before..."Yaaaa-whooooooooo!" He started dancing. "We've got a knight, we've got a knight!"  
  
"Is he always like this?"  
  
"Sadly, yes."  
  
Cecil stopped dancing, and noticed something on the chest of Wallace's armor: A creast of red and yellow lines and swirls. Wallace blinked. "What?"  
  
"Th...that's a Knight's Crest, isn't it?"  
  
"Ah, you've got the eyes of a hawk my friend! With this, I shall upgrade to a General, thus becoming even MORE powerful and impregnable!"  
  
"... ... ...If it's any consolation, I just shat myself."  
  
"Let's go! Knight's Crest!"  
  
Lightning flashed around Wallace, as his armor became even MORE bulkier, chains attached to his lance and the axe he was also carrying, those weapons actually morphing themselves. The lower part of his armor was adorned in a red and gold sash, and a tall, bucket like helmet adorned his head.  
  
"Behold, Wallace the General!" Wallace version 2.0 bellowed.  
  
"I could've done that" Erk muttered. "If I...had the...spell..."  
  
"A giant now stands among you!" Wallace continued to bellow. "Stand behind me, and nothing shall bring harm to you! Onwards!"  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"So...are you going to move, or what?" Kent asked.  
  
"Yeah, problem with that. See, my armor's gotten so that I cannot seem to move in this thing."  
  
--Massive face fault outburst--  
  
"Well, Wallace used to be deadly useful in battle" Sain pointed out. "So we need to find a way to make him useful again."  
  
"..." Kent, Sain and Florina all gave an evil grin, before starting to attach spikes to Wallace's armor.  
  
"Um...guys? What are you doing? I cannot move and therefor cannot protest to what you are appling to armor..."

* * *

Later, on a hill a few yards away, two red coated archers sat on the hill, chatting. When suddenly, one of them noticed something coming their way. "Hey, Carl, it's a pegasus knight!"  
  
"Oooh! Oooh! I want this one!"  
  
"Wait...what's that attached to it and those two cavaliers with it?"  
  
"...OH MY GOD!"  
  
"Slow down!" Wallace begged, as Florina, Kent and Sain rode on, with the general attached to all three of them with ropes. "I'm getting neasous!"  
  
"Just think on somethign else!" Kent instructed. "Oh, and close your eyes."  
  
"Why?"  
  
--SPLORCH!-- --SKEWER!--  
  
"That's why..."  
  
"Ick..."  
  
After three more minutes and forty seven more enemies, and a possibly high dry cleaners bill, a tall, dark castle came into view. "There's Eagler's castle!" Florina cheered.  
  
"Everybody HALT!" Kent ordered, as he, Florina and Sain came to a full stop.  
  
Of course, Wallace was still going at a good 80km/ph, so when they came to a full stop...  
  
"Eeeeeee!" he screamed, before crashing into the side wall. Leaving a perfect cut out.  
  
"Sir Wallace!" Sain shouted, jumping off his horse and running to the cut out. "Sir, are you okay?"  
  
Wallace, his helmet knocked off, was laying in a heap of rubble. Along with a man in dark armor, green hair, and a green moustache. Both were knocked out of their sense. "Love, love, love makes the world go round..."  
  
Sain sighed, sweat dropping.  
  
The green haired man pulled himself out of the rubble, returning to his sesne. "Damn it...what just hit me? A bus?"  
  
"Nah, that was just Wallace" Sain pointed out.  
  
"Even worse."  
  
"Offense! I take offense!"  
  
"Wait a minute...Kain! Sent!"  
  
"Damnit, we were your top students and you STILL can't get our names right!" Kent screamed.  
  
Wallace snorted.  
  
"Shut up, big bones!"  
  
"Well, at least he didn't call me fat..."  
  
"To your face."  
  
The green haired, dark armored warrior, whom we know as General Eagler, the Paladin, shook his head, and readied his lance. "You have been labeled as oathbreakers! And for that, I must kill you!"  
  
"Now come on!" Sain demanded. "I mean, us? Oathbreakers? Can you honestly believe that?"  
  
"About Kent, no. You...well..."  
  
"Oh, that one hurt..."  
  
"Yaaaaah!" Eagler gave his charge.  
  
Suddenly, there was a furious flapping of wings, as a familiar, flying white stallion charged in. Coming to an abrupt halt, it's rider flew off, straight towards Eagler, lance held forward. It tore through his chest.  
  
"Sorry!" Florina said over the THUNK noise.  
  
Eagler flew back, Florina's Slim Lance still stuck in his chest. He crashed into the back wall.  
  
Wallace got himself on top of the rubble pile, and with an amazing feat of leg power, leapt off, in Eagler's direction. "BUTT BOMB!" he shouted, landing on poor Eagler's legs.  
  
"WHAAAAA!" he screamed, feeling every last bone in his legs and feet and toes snapping into several thousand pieces. And that was no hyperbole.  
  
"Had enough?" Wallace sneered, getting to his feet, and getting ready for another jump.  
  
"I submit!" Eagler screamed. "Please, not another butt bomb!"  
  
"Alright, you get off easy" Wallace laughed. "But no mercy should you try anything funny!" With that, he, the two cavaliers and Florina all left.  
  
"... ...Um, guys? I can't move my legs. And I've still got a spear stuck in my chest. Medic. ... ... ...I knew it would end like this."

* * *

"So, what kind of person was General Eagler anyway?" Lyn asked.  
  
"A no good, lying, conniving, under handed snake" Sain growled.  
  
"You're saying that only because he insulted you" Kent quipped in.  
  
"...And if I am?"  
  
"General Eagler was really a good man. A good teacher, a good fighter, a good leader, a good father...I could go on..." Kent explained.  
  
"So...we killed a crowd favorite?" Cecil asked.  
  
"Well, put that way, yes" Kent nodded.  
  
"Ah crap..."  
  
"General Eagler wouldn't have attacked us on purpose. Lundgren must've been holding something of value hostage. Maybe a friend, or family..."

* * *

"And I'll never see my Garfield comics ever again..." Eagler whined.

* * *

Lyn froze.  
  
"Um...m'lady?" Kent asked.  
  
"What is the matter?" Sain asked.  
  
"She's gonna blow!" Cecil screamed, diving for cover.  
  
Lyn screamed, and rushed ahead. "THAT MAN WILL NEVER FEEL THE EMBRACE OF MOTHER EARHT! THAT NO GOOD {Censored} IS GOING TO GET MY {Beep}ING MANI KATTI UP HIS {Hello!}! I'LL RIP OUT HIS..."  
  
"Hold it!" Florina shouted, tackling Lyn. "You're going to burst a blood vessel! Release your anger when you're facing him in combat!"  
  
Lyn breathed heavily, before calming down. "Alright. Thank you Florina."  
  
"No problem Lyn!"  
  
"...Um, Florina?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"You're...touching my brea--."  
  
"Eep!" Florina quickly got off of Lyn, and onto her pegasus.  
  
"...bread." She sat up, and pulled a piece of sourdough out of her pouch. "You almost squished it, too. I'd think you were groping it."  
  
"Ehe..."

* * *

Meanwhile, in Castle Caelin...  
  
"You're making a steady recovery, your highness" the royal doctor grinned. "Just have some rest for a week or two, and you should be back to your full health."  
  
"Oh...thank you doctor..." the marquess breathed heavily.  
  
The doctor left, and closed the door gently behind him. The marquess's eyes felt heavy, before he closed them, and drifted into sleep.  
  
There was a pause.  
  
The door burst open. "HEY HEY!" Lundgren screamed at the top of his lungs.  
  
"YAH!" the marquess yelped, sitting up suddenly. "Damn it, little brother! Do you want to give me a heart attack!?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Oh..."  
  
"I just came in to tell you your granddaughter should be dead right about...now."  
  
"No...my granddaughter...I only wanted to see her once..."  
  
"Ha ha ha! You'll soon be joining her, my worthless excuse for a brother!"  
  
"Lundgren...you fiend...you are not worth spitting on..."  
  
"But you are. --Spit-o-- Heh, a few more days, and it'll be death for you. And you and your daughter and your granddaughter will be together. In the after life. Ha ha ha. Neener neener neener, you don't have a..."  
  
"Lord Lundgren!" shouted a soldier, rushing in. "The nomad girl! She's almost at the Castle! She beat Eagler!"  
  
"..." Lundgren was stuck in his taunting face, but no words escaped his mouth, as he slowly turned to face the soldier. "You...idiot! I was in the middle of my taunt, you know!"  
  
"Sorry sir. But...if I may, your taunts are a little childish..."  
  
"Off with his head!"  
  
"But it's my first offense..."  
  
"I SAID OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"  
  
"Oh..."  
  
"My granddaughter...she's alive..."  
  
"No she's not. That man was crazy."  
  
"But he..."  
  
"I SAID HE WAS CRAZY!"  
  
"He crazy...oh, little brother...before you go...you must control your temper, or you'll burst a blood vessel."  
  
"I WILL NOT BURST A BLOOD VESSEL!"  
  
"And stop screaming."  
  
"I'M NOT SCREAMING! NOW SHUT UP AND..."  
  
--Pop--  
  
"...oh, that didn't sound OR feel good." 


	13. Chapter Ten: The Distent Plains

**Fire Emblem 7, the Parody  
  
Chapter 10: The Distant Plains**  
  
General Eagler has been defeated. Lyn and her band draw ever nearer to Castle Caelin. Within the castle walls, Lyn's bitter enemy, Lundgren, awaits... A man who would kill his own kin for a throne. He is the source of all her troubles.  
  
Will she make sure to kill him? Yes. Slowly? You bet your ass. And horribly? Throw in your pants while you're at it.

* * *

"We should see Castle Caelin once we pass these mountains" Sain reported.  
  
"Almost there..." Lyn muttered. "We must hurry..."  
  
"Lundgren won't be getting the reinforcements he expected" Kent smirked. "He'll be forced to use what's left of his original force against us."  
  
"Everything rides on this last fight..." Cecil muttered. He turned to face Lyn. "You ready for this?"  
  
Lyn nodded. "I've been ready since the start of this adventure. I won't back down now, not after we've come so far..." She turned to face the Lyndis Legion. "My friends! For one last time, lend me your strength!"  
  
Cecil pulled out his portable card table, and a map of the general area. He unfolded it, and placed a few game pieces on the board. "Okay, these will represent us. Florina, get into the air, and see what you can see."  
  
"I'm on it" Florina nodded, as she took off into the sky.  
  
A few minutes later, Florina touched down again. "On my scout, I noticed three archers, and boy was I lucky they didn't notice me...around this area..." she pointed at a cluster of fortresses near Castle Caelin. Cecil added some more game pieces of a different colour. "A pair of mercenaries...a knight....a shaman and a mage...a brigand in the mountains...and five calvaliers just waiting to come out of the fortresses to attack us."  
  
Cecil drummed his fingers on the table. "A normally easier way to win this would to be to go straight down, and hit the Castle. If Lundgren goes, the whole squad will disband. However, with these mountains in the way, we'll never get to him before he finds out our location..."  
  
Wil smirked. "If I may suggest, commander, a plan?" he asked.  
  
Cecil looked up. "And what would this plan be, Wil?"  
  
Wil turned to face Wallace and Dorcas. "Okay, you two! Haul 'er in!"  
  
The two big, burly guys nodded, and ran off behind a hill. They came out a few seconds later, pulling behind them the balista from Chapter 08.  
  
"...Wil, you've been carrying that thing around?" Cecil asked.  
  
"Yep. I figured we'd be needing it later. And this baby's got, oh, two more shots in it left before the string snaps. And two should be all we need to take out Lundgren."  
  
"Sounds like an iffy to me..." Lyn pointed out.  
  
"Lundgren is probably in the Castle, or at the castle gates" Rath added. "We'll have to be careful with our shots..."  
  
"Or maybe..." Cecil grinned. "Wait a minute, I have an idea!"  
  
"Oh, this should be good" Lyn gave a smirk.  
  
Cecil pulled out a bag of equipment, and dug into it. He produced a small, round metal disk. "I met a freaky old lady a few towns back" he explained. "She asked me to try this sucker out, just to see if it works. Wil, I want you to attach this to your Balista bolt."  
  
Wil blinked, before taking the disk carefully, and tying it to the balista bolt Wallace and Dorcas finished loading. "Now" Cecil explained, "when an enemy comes near this thing, it will explode, and so will the bolt. Should cause a fairly big explosion."  
  
"You're not going to blow up my grandfather's castle, are you?" Lyn asked. "Because it sounds like something you would do."  
  
"Of course not. That's an incredibly stupid idea."  
  
"Like I said..."  
  
"Ooh, right below the belt." Cecil returned to facing Wil. "Alright, on the count of three, fire the balista at the mountain side. We'll lure the bandit on it towards the mine so that he'll trigger it. Everybody got that?"  
  
"Mm-hmm."  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Got it."  
  
"Okay, on the count of three! One....two....NOW!"  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"...Why aren't you firing?" Cecil asked.  
  
"You said on the count of three. You only got to two before shouting now" Wil pointed out.  
  
"Alright, alright, THREE!"  
  
--TWANG--  
  
The bolt flew straight ahead, and plunged into the mountain. The mine was sticking out.  
  
"Okay, Florina, lure the bandit! And get as far away as you can from the explosion."  
  
Florina nodded meekly, and flew over to the mountain range. She noticed the brigand, making his patrol, before diving down, and landing in front of him.  
  
"Hello" she smiled sweetly. "My name is Florina. What's your's?"  
  
"Florina..." the brigand scratched his cheek. "That's one of the people I've been told to wipe out! Let's wrestle, girlie!"  
  
"Not a chance, buddy!" Florina shouted, before urging her pegasus forward. It galloped off, down the side of the mountain.  
  
"Get back here!" the brigand shouted, giving the chase.  
  
Soon, the two were near the bolt. "Now Huey! Pull up!" Florina ordered.  
  
The Pegasus reered, and took to the air. The brigand landed on the bolt, and ran across it.  
  
"Get back here!" he shouted, before he tripped over a small, metel disk.  
  
--Beep-- --Beep-- --Beep--  
  
"Huh? What's this?" The brigand picked it up, and looked it over.  
  
--Ting--  
  
--BOOOOOOOM--  
  
"Ooooh. Pretty colours" Matthew grinned, as rocks and rubble flew everywhere.  
  
As the dust cleared, and Florina landed next to the others, they could all notice an open, U shaped gap in the mountains.  
  
"Whoa..." Lyn muttered. She turned to face Cecil. "Your plan actually worked."  
  
"And my others haven't?"  
  
"Your other ideas weren't crazy and had a 25% chance of success."  
  
"What's with you and below the belt hits today? Anyway, we've got easier access to Castle Caelin. Let's hurry before that chance is wasted."

* * *

"What is going on!?" Lundgren screamed, hearing the explosion near the mountains. "Don't tell me they've already invented gunpowder!"  
  
"Gun what sir?" a heavily armored knight asked.  
  
"...Nothing, I'm just rambling."  
  
"Like always?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I mean you always mutter to yourself about absolutely nothing. You might be going mad with power."  
  
"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"  
  
--SLICE--  
  
The knight crumpled over.  
  
"Thank you for your prompt action" Lundgren grinned.  
  
"Hey, no sweat" Wallace grinned back.  
  
Lundgren freaked on the spot. "Wallace! How'd you, of all people, get here so quickly!?"  
  
"We took the short cut" Wallace explained. "'course, first we had to MAKE a short cut..."  
  
"Enough of this! You're going to die here and now!" Lundgren raised his lance, and thrust it forward, at Wallace's armor.  
  
It bounced harmlessly off. "Har har! Nice try, old fool!" he laughed, before raising his own spear. He threw it forward and it...hit the armor...and turned into splinters. "... ... ...Ah crap."  
  
"Perhaps the power of magic can take you down!" Erk shouted, as he came from one side. "Fire!" He threw twin balls of flame at Lundgren. They exploded in a small burst of flame on contact, but Lundgren was unphased.  
  
"Then maybe the power of Saint Elimine!" Lucius shouted. "Lightning!" The ball of white magic exploded in a flash of light against Lundgren's armor, but again, he was unphased.  
  
"How about going the hell away!?" Lundgren shouted, thrusting his lance at Erk, and then Lucius, and then Wallace. Erk ducked, Lucius bended out of the way, and Wallace bounced it off of his armor.  
  
"You'll never kill me!" Lundgren laughed. "I'm wearing twin layers of armor!"  
  
"Damn!" Erk seethed.  
  
"Only at a small cost...I can't move my legs. At all."  
  
"Not so damn..." Lucius muttered.  
  
Cecil watched over the little fight, pondering. He then grinned widely. "Florina! I need your Pegasus!"  
  
"You...you need Huey? Well...I suppose..."  
  
"Thanks Florina! You won't regret this!" Cecil leapt onto the winged horse, and pulled out his staff. He popped off the cap, revealing a silver spear head. He then urged Huey forward, taking off, flying towards Lundgren.  
  
The purple armored general blinked at Cecil's advance, before throwing his lance forward.  
  
"Pull up! Pull up!" Cecil ordered.  
  
Huey went up into the air, as the lance flew harmlessly underneath them.  
  
Lundgren looked around madly. "Where'd he go?" he asked.  
  
"Behind you!" Cecil laughed, before Lundgren felt a spear head going into the back of his armor. He screamed in fury, as the armor crumbled, revealing a lighter purple armor underneath, whcih didn't look nearly as big.  
  
"Raagh! I have fury!" Lundgren screamed.

* * *

"Stole my line he did!" Fawful of Mario and Luigi Superstar Saga fame screamed off stage. "Now **I** have fury!"

* * *

"We've still got a second layer to worry about" Wallace informed, as Lundgren made a short advance towards him. The two tried to stab the other with their lance, but neither of them could penetrate the other's armor.  
  
Suddenly, there was a another TWANG. Lundgren turned, and noticed that flying towards him was none other than Dorcas. He screamed, before the big, burly warrior body checked him. The armor began to crack, and then shatter.  
  
Lyn charged forward. "No mercy!" she screamed, before swinging her Mani Kati into Lundgren's back. The general let out a scream of sure pain, before Lyn continued with a stab to the side, and then a stab to the neck.  
  
The nomad girl panted, before relaxing her sword arm, as Lundgren crumpled to a heap before them.  
  
"We did it!" Sain cheered.  
  
Lyn turned to face Cecil, who dismounted, and still had his lance in hand. "Thanks to your attack, Wil could fire Dorcas at Lundgren and shatter his armor. That's an awesome spear of yours."  
  
"Thanks" Cecil beamed, giving the handle a pat. "It's my _Don't Puck with me Stick_."  
  
"...Your Don't Puck with me Stick?"  
  
"Yep!"  
  
"And here I thought you were a tactical mastermind..."  
  
"sigh. I give up. Well, let's go find your grandfather."  
  
Lyn nodded, and entered the castle. The others were content with staying outside.

* * *

Lyn looked around the halls of the castle. "Hello?" she asked. "Is anyone about?"  
  
--Rap-- --Tap-- --Tap--  
  
"Who is that rapping tapping at the closet door?" she asked. "Just a visitor, and nothing more?"  
  
"Cut the Edgar Allen Poe crap and just let me OUT!"  
  
Lyn shrugged, and opened the door. Tumbling out was a young man with parted, black hair, and a green suit. He breathed heavily, and slowly stood up. "I was trapped in that closet for a month!" he shouted.  
  
"And just who are you?" Lyn asked.  
  
"I am Reissmann, the chancellor of the royal Caelin court."  
  
"Why would someone lock you in a closet?"  
  
"After Lundgren heard news of Madelyn's daughter being alive, he tried to have her killed, so that no one would stand in his way for world conquest. But there was one more obstacle in his way. Me."  
  
"You?" Lyn snickered. "Why would ANYONE fear you?"  
  
"I don't know" Reissmann shrugged. "He threw me in and blamed it all on tradition."  
  
"What, do chancellors usually plot to take over?"  
  
"You don't know how right you are."  
  
Reissmann straightened his suit, before continuing. "It gives me great pleasure to see you have made it here. Shall I show you to your grandfather now?"  
  
"Yes! Yes, oh dear God, please show me to my grandfather!"  
  
"Okay. But I have to warn you, your grandfather has seen better days. He's taken a lot of poison. Bedridden for months."  
  
"Tell me something I don't know."  
  
"This hair is a wig."  
  
"...Would've never guessed."

* * *

Lyn opened the door quietly, and stepped in.  
  
"And that's my cue to exit" Reissman muttered, taking his leave.  
  
"Who is there?" the old marquess moaned. "I told them I would see no visitors..."  
  
Lyn's eyes watered, as she looked at her feet.  
  
"Leave me to...die..."  
  
"Begging your pardon, my lord" Lyn said softly, stepping forward. "My name is Lyndis."  
  
"Lyndis? Is that..."  
  
"My father was Hassar, chief of the Lorca tribe. My mother was...Madelyn. I was raised on the plains."  
  
"It...it can't...here, let me see your face." Lyn stepped closer. The old marquess smiled. "Yes, there is no denying it. You are Madelyn's true born daughter. Give us hug..."  
  
Lyn grinned, and grabbed the marquess in a tight squeeze. "Not that hard of a hug..." he wheezed.  
  
Lyn loosened her grip.  
  
"Lundgren told me that my daughter had died...as did my granddaughter...Lyn, thank you for living."  
  
"My family...my tribe...they were all killed by bandits a year ago. I was one of the only survivors."  
  
"Lyndis, forgive a foolish old man and his pride. Had I just accepted your parent's love, there would've been no bandits. We would've lived together in peace."  
  
"Our life was of love and of peace" Lyn explained. "While the ending WAS total crap, up until then, we lived a life of happiness."  
  
"Madelyn was...happy in life? Hearing that pleases my old heart so much...I can die in peace."  
  
"Ooooh NO you don't! You're not dying on me now, grandfather! Not on my shift!"  
  
"I have taken far too much poison..." the marquess explained. "I fear I do not have much longer..."  
  
"But you can't die now! Not after I just met you! There's still so much we need to do together! Festivels to attend, dances to go to, music to listen to!"  
  
"..." the old marquess's face began to get colour back.  
  
"Back in Sacae, we had this saying: _Illness fails in the face of a strong heart_. I hold you were a tough old fart, so you can't let some drops of poison bring about your end! I'm with you now! Be strong..."  
  
"You're...with me..."  
  
"So much to talk about, so much to do, it can't all end now! And once you are well, I can take you back to the plains, to show you the lands that Madelyn loved!"  
  
"The lands Madelyn loved....you're right. There's still some living I have to do."  
  
"That's the ticket!"

* * *

Sain dismounted his horse, and ran over to Lyn. "Are you really staying Lyndis? Please tell me truthfully!"  
  
Lyn laughed. "Yes, Sain, I'm staying until my grandfather gets better. There's still much he and I need to do."  
  
"Yes! She's staying, she's staying! You owe me twenty, Wallace!"  
  
"grumble grumble grumble."  
  
"The royal physician said that now that Lundgren can't keep bothering him" Kent informed, "the Marquess Caelin can make a full recovery. Turns out he didn't have much poison taken in as they thought."  
  
"Then why was he bedridden for months?"  
  
"They think he threw out his back when he tripped in the royal courtroom."  
  
"That would do it..."  
  
Kent went off to get some rest, while Sain left to collect his winnings from Wallace. Florina rushed over to Lyn, beaming widely. "Lady Lyndis!" she cheered.  
  
"Hmm?" Lyn turned to face the young pegasus knight. "What is it, Florina?"  
  
"I've been taken into service of House Caelin!" Florina explained happily. "From here on out Lyn...erm...Lady Lyndis, we'll be together always!"  
  
"Really? That's great! But...please, stop calling me Lady Lyndis. To you, I'll always be Lyn."  
  
"Huey and I fly for your house now. There are rules to follow, ya know."  
  
"Florina..."  
  
"I'm happiest when I'm with you, Lady Lyndis. And I find that's a little more important than how I address you. So....please?"  
  
"Well...alright. I suppose I'll just have to get used to it. I understand completely."  
  
Florina grinned, and rushed over to Lyn, trapping her in a tight hug. "Oh thank you!" she cheered. "I do love you, Lyn!"  
  
Lyn was going to say something, but that last comment caught her off guard. She turned a deep shade of red.  
  
Florina did too, as she let go quickly. "Erm..in a non-homosexual, purely as an old friend sort of way!" she quickly recovered.  
  
"Y...yeah..." Lyn said, her heart pounding.  
  
Sain and Kent were watching. "This sucks!" Sain cursed. "Now every girl in the _Lyndis Legion_(tm) is taken!"  
  
"What about Serra? I saw you making a pass to her."  
  
"Nah, she's got Erk."  
  
"I wouldn't be so sure. I thought those two hated each other."  
  
"Oh no, it happens. It ALWAYS happens! The guy and the girl start off hating each other, and then they go on an epic quest, and on said epic quest, they discover true love!"  
  
"...Well, I'm not sure about Serra, but I think Erk now and forever will, hate her guts."  
  
"Hey Lyn" Cecil brought up. "With your permission, I'd like to serve House Caelin as your stratigest."  
  
"Oh really?" Lyn asked.  
  
"Yep. And I already talked to Lord Hauseen..."  
  
"Lord who?"  
  
"Didn't you know that's your grandfather's name?"  
  
"Actually, no."  
  
"Whoa. You DO have a lot to catch up on. Anyway, the papers have already been signed, so I'm going to be helping you out in case you ever need me!"  
  
Lyn gave a smile. "Well, you can be weird at times, but you have been a good friend, I admit. Welcome aboard."

* * *

"Kent, knight of Lycia" said an old, armored man, "for valor in combat, I promote you to Knight Commander. Carry this title with pride."  
  
"Thank you, my liege" Kent bowed.  
  
"Sain, knight of Lycia" the old man turned to the green knight, "for valor in combat I promote you to Sub-Commander. Carry this title with..."  
  
"THIS SUCKS!" both knights cursed. "Me, work with him!?"

* * *

"Hey, Wil, you won't believe it!" Florina beamed, rushing over to the archer.  
  
"Hmm? What's going on?" Wil asked.  
  
"You've been asked to join the ranks of the Caelin Knights!"  
  
"You're kidding! It's about time my skill was recognized! Twill be an honor to fight by your side, Florina!"  
  
"Yep. Just uh....don't catch me in the friendly fire..."  
  
"I'll try."  
  
"There is no try! Just don't shoot me!"

* * *

"Well" Serra said, as she and Erk reached to Ostian borderline, "from here on out, I can take care of myself. It was fun traveling with you, Erk."  
  
"The feeling is not mutual" the mage muttered.  
  
"Aww, I'll miss you too. Well, see ya." With that, the young cleric left.  
  
The young magic user just stood there for a few minutes. When Serra exited sight, Erk started dancing around in a hyperactive manner, shouting various "Whoo-hoo!"s and such as cheesy, cartoony music played in the background. He stopped, returning to his usual, emotionless demenor. "I'm happy" he said simply.

* * *

"Honey, I'm home!" Dorcas grinned, stepping into his house in Bern.  
  
Natalie grinned as well, and leapt at Dorcas with a tight hug. "Oh, Dorky-sama, you're back!"  
  
"How many times have I told you not to call me that?"  
  
"But it sounds so adorable for you."  
  
"...nevermind. It's just good to be back."

* * *

"Lucius" ordered the high priest, "you've done well on your assignment."  
  
"Thank you, sir" Lucius bowed low.  
  
"For your next assignment, you are to accompany this man until he completes his revenge."  
  
"Hmm?" Lucius turned to the back of the temple, where in came a young man with short, red hair, black jeans, leather armor, and blood red eyes.  
  
Lucius beamed. "Raymond! My goodness, it's been ages! It is a pleasure to see you again!"  
  
Raymond smirked, before suddenly glaring at Lucius, and frowning. "You will not talk back, you will do everything I say, you will throw yourself in front of enemy fire when I command it" he said simply. "Disobey, and I will kill you. Slowly."  
  
"B..beg pardon?" Lucius asked.  
  
Raymond whipped out his sword, and placed the head of it against Lucius's neck. "You're an old friend, so I'll consider that a first offense." He sheathed his blade, before heading out the chapel. "Let's go."  
  
"Why me?" Lucius moaned, following. "Why all the time me?"

* * *

"This measly battle with Lundgren only wetted my appetite for battle!" Wallace boomed. "I'm off to find more people to challenge, more rights to wrong! ...I mean, wrongs to right! I shall return!" And so the general left to find new adventure.  
  
"...How good is his sense of direction?" Cecil asked.  
  
"Poor. Very poor" Kent shook his head.  
  
"I'll give him five years before he ever comes back" Sain sighed.

* * *

No one knows what ever happend to the mysterious shaman, Kozo. If anyone knows his whereabouts, however, they are free to speak up.

* * *

"FOR THE LAST GOD DAMN TIME, WILL YOU GET OFF MY GOD DAMN TABLE ALREADY!?!?"

* * *

What ever happened to Nils, Ninian, Rath and Matthew? Nobody knows...  
  
"Actually, I do" Eliwood said, stepping in.  
  
Nils and Ninian may be wandering the land, perfecting their skills as performers.  
  
"Actually, um..."  
  
Matthew remains a mystery.  
  
"No, really. He's actually..."  
  
And Rath might have gone back to being a mercenary. We don't know.  
  
"But I do! I know what exactly is going on!"  
  
Does it look like I care? No.  
  
"Where are you, anyway?" 


	14. Coffee Break 1: Even destined heroes nee...

**Fire Emblem 7, the Parody  
  
Coffee Break One: Even destined heroes need their time off**  
  
"And cut!" Yoshimo said into the megaphone. "And print it! Alright, excellent work everyone! Now, enjoy the long weekend, and I'll see you on Tuesday! I'm off to Walla Walla Washington!" With that, the miniturized director leapt out of his director's chair, left the studio, hopped in his car, and drove off.  
  
"...Should someone go tell him it's still Thursday?" Erk asked.  
  
"Wah-hoo! Four day weekend!" Matthew cheered, before rushing off to get his things.  
  
"I guess not" Lyn shrugged. "Ah well. The sooner we get to our vacation destination, the better, right Florina?"  
  
The pegasus knight giggled, and nodded, before Eskimo kissing Lyn. "I'll go pack" she said, before leaving. Lyn was about to follow, when Sain approached.  
  
"You and Florina going on a vacation?" the green knight asked.  
  
Lyn sighed. Once Sain got his mind set on something, he wasn't going to let up. She blinked, before grinning widely. "Yes we are, Sain. Why don't you and Kent come with us? It'd be like a double date."  
  
Sain beamed, and clapped his hands together. "Excellent! So, are we trying to set Kent and Florina up? I always thought he had something for her, what with how gently and warmly he treats her..."  
  
"No..." Lyn explained.  
  
"...Then...I'm going with Florina..." Sain folded his arms over his chest, scowling. "How can you like Kent more than me!?"  
  
"No..."  
  
"So...I'm not going with you..."  
  
"Right..."  
  
"And Kent's not going with you..."  
  
"Right..."  
  
"So that means Florina's going with you."  
  
"Right."  
  
"But since you said double date..."  
  
"Yes..."  
  
"Oh dear God..."  
  
"Exactly. So, still wanna come with?"  
  
"No! And for the record, I'm not gay!" With that, Sain stormed off.  
  
Lyn snickered. Sain would stay off her case for a while now.

* * *

With multiple bursts of speed, Matthew was busy getting everything into the trunk of his car. Suitcases, duffel bags, beach umbrellas...  
  
A certain, red haired woman watched. She had a blue shirt, blue skirt, a long, tattered, yellow cloak, lots of lipstick, and a single freckle under her lower lip. "Matthew, are you sure you need all that stuff for your trip to Palm Springs?" she asked.  
  
--Snatch-- --Wrestle-- --Slam--  
  
With a bit of resistence, Matthew succeded in getting the woman into the front seat of the car. He got in on the driver side, and slipped on some sunglasses. "Our plane leaves in an hour" Matthew smirked. "Next stop, Leila; Palm Springs!"  
  
"Now whoever said that I wanted to go with..." Leila protested, before Matthew reached over, and shut her up with a kiss. Leila just blinked when he pulled away, before snapping her seat belt on. "Turn down the sun roof! Next stop, Palm Springs!" she cheered.  
  
Matthew laughed, before taking off.

* * *

Erk sighed, as he folded his shirt, and put it in the suitcase. He turned to get the next one, but as he turned to put it in, he noticed the first shirt was back on the top of the dresser. He blinked, before putting the shirt in his hand into the suitcase, and reaching for that shirt. When he turned back, he found Serra grabbing the shirt in the suitcase and moving it away.  
  
"Serra..." Erk sighed. "What are you doing?"  
  
Serra glared at Erk, pouting. "I'm not letting you go unless I get to come too!" she huffed.  
  
"Serra, I only have two tickets for the bus, and I'm planning on go with Priscilla, not you."  
  
"But that's not fair!" Serra whined. "Why didn't I get a ticket?"  
  
"Because really, I don't like you, and I do like Priscilla. Now, if you'll excuse me..."  
  
Serra huffed again, before turning to leave. As she started to take a step out of the doorway, she turned to notice Priscilla coming to Erk's dressing room, suitcases in her arms. The red head stopped to talk to a tall man with spikey, green hair, with a white streak in it.  
  
The pink haired cleric smirked, and bolted back into the room. Erk looked up. "Serra, what are you-"  
  
Serra didn't let Erk finish his sentence, as she trapped him in a tight lip lock. The purple haired teen blushed, and tried to get away. Serra held fast, ramming Erk into the closet doors, and moving her hands to undo his belt.  
  
Perfect timing on Serra's part, because at that moment, Priscilla entered, and was appaled at what she saw. Erk finally shoved Serra away. "Priscilla! I can explain!" he protected.  
  
--Fump--  
  
Erk's pants fell. "Ehe...she came onto me!" he defended.  
  
"Well!" Priscilla said, obviously hurt. "If you're going to cheat with other women, have the decency to close your door first!" She huffed, and stomped away.  
  
Erk pulled his pants up, and attemtped to do up his belt and run at the same time. "Hold on, Priscilla, wait!" he begged.  
  
"What a shame" Serra fake pouted. "Now you'll have to go with me to avoid wasting those tickets."  
  
"Do I have too?" Erk whined.

* * *

"So, what are you doing for the long weekend?" Eliwood asked.  
  
Hector scratched his chin. "Not entirely sure. Maybe just cruise around the city, enjoy a movie or two, try to find a girlfriend..." Hector let out a deep sigh.  
  
Eliwood smirked. "Still mad that two of your possible girlfriends in the game turned out to be interested in each other?"  
  
"How would you feel if Ninian suddenly started acting lovey dovey around other girls!?" Hector snapped.  
  
"Touchè. What about Farina? She likes you."  
  
"She charges me 15 bucks just to TOUCH her!"  
  
"Didn't you once say she was worth every penny?"  
  
"Yeah, but what does she DO with it all!?"  
  
"Pay for your apartment."  
  
"...it sucks because you're right..."

* * *

Marcus laid back against the bed. He was wearing a red shirt with a black sweater over it, and long, blue slacks. "Ah" he breathed out. "Now that it's the long weekend, I can finally relax and get over this headac--"  
  
"Hey! It's Dart!" Marcus could hear Fargus cheer in the next room of the hotel.  
  
"Yay!" he could hear Geitz cheer.  
  
"And I brought the beer!" Dart continued.  
  
"Yay!" the other two cheered.  
  
"And it's the long weekend!" Geitz pointed out.  
  
"Yay!" all three cheered.  
  
"Why of all rooms in all the hotels in the world" Marcus groaned, "did they have to take the one right next to MINE!? I'll never get rid of this headache..."

* * *

"Hee hee" Kozo snickered. "That should keep that old fart busy."  
  
"Hey Kozo" Roland Pegasus walked up behind him.  
  
"Hmm? Oh, Roland. What do you want?"  
  
"I just want to say it's fun working with you. I can't wait till chapter 15 when we get to star together."  
  
"I can" Kozo sighed.  
  
"So, Moria and I are going away for the long weekend to a Duel Monsters Tournament. What are you doing?"  
  
"Well, I overheard Lyn and Florina planning a vacation at a Couples Camp for Same Sex Couples. I was thinking maybe me and Acentine could tag along."  
  
"Oh...somehow, someway, I am NOT surprised."  
  
"Then you're smarter than you look."  
  
"Must you always be this cynical?"  
  
"Yes."

* * *

"Tonight, on Iron Chef, we have our reigning champion, our Iron Chef, Hitari Mitsuni!"  
  
A plump, Asain man with thin, black hair, stepped in, as the crowd cheered.  
  
"And we have our challenger, a famous celebretiy from the Fire Emblem series, Lowen."  
  
The green haired knight stepped out, in a chef's uniform, red in the face, and a little shakey.  
  
"Gentlemen, your main ingredient this evening was freashly caught in the Tokyo harbor: Crab! Very will...begin!"

* * *

"And the final score is...Lakers: 78, Celtics: 82" the sports announcer declared.  
  
"WHAT!?" Bartre roared. He tackled the TV, as the two crashed through the window. Dorcas, sitting peacefully on the coach, just watched and listened.  
  
--Honk-honk-- --Screech-- --Crash-- --Wee-ooWee-oo-- --BOOOM--  
  
Bartre came flying back in. He got up, beaming. "That feels much better" he said happily.  
  
"Bartre..." Dorcas stood up. "That's the fifth TV this week you've destroyed."  
  
"Ya, I know, but..."  
  
--POW--  
  
--Honk-honk-- --Screech-- --Crash-- --Wee-ooWee-oo-- --BOOOM--

* * *

"Jaffar! Oh Jaffar!" a short, green haired girl shouted, rushing over to a man in dark clothing. She had a navy blue tunic with purple trimmings, and cute, bubbly green eyes.  
  
Jaffar looked over at the girl. His rust coloured eyes barely visable under his gray headband, his gray cape held over one shoulder. "Nino" he muttered.  
  
"So, Jaffar, I got our tickets for the long weekend! We're going on a special vacation to Disney World! Isn't that great!"  
  
Jaffar just stared at her.  
  
"I also got us this GREAT five-star hotel room, so we can live in luxery even away from home! Oh, but as I didn't have any money, I had to use your's. Is that okay?"  
  
Jaffar kept his stare.  
  
"Great! Oh, also, I saved money on tickets by only buying one. Pets get on free. And, well, since they know who I am, you'll have to pretend to be my pet and sit in the pet carrier. That's okay with you, right?"  
  
Again, Jaffar said nothing.  
  
"Great! So, we can head out tomorrow!" She reached up, and petted his head. "Eee, you're as cute as a doggy already, so it shouldn't be that hard to fool them." Nino pranced off, cheerily humming to herself.  
  
Jaffar pulled out a stress ball, squeezing the ever loving crap out of it, eye twitching madly. "Just four mores years and she can legally give you her consent" he muttered. "Just four more years and she can legally give you her consent. Just four more years..."

* * *

"And our new Iron Chef is Lowen, for creating a spectacular meal in only half an hour!"  
  
Lowen scratched his cheeck, which was turning visibly red. He wasn't sure where his burst of cooking speed came from, but he was thankful for it. It was as if Sir Marcus were watching over him as he cooked.

* * *

Which he was. Marcus blinked. "That boy just never ceases to amaze me..." he muttered.  
  
He was suddenly hit with the full volume that he turned the TV up to. He screamed in pain for his ears, and held down the "Volume -" button. "I thought they'd never shut up" Marcus grinned. "Now I can relax and watch some TV."  
  
"So, Lowen-san, what is your secret?"  
  
"Oh that's easy. See..."  
  
"WHOOOOO!" Geitz whooped, before being followed by a trio of laughter.  
  
"Why...why...why..." Marcus sobbed. 


	15. Side Chapter 1: When Dorcas met Bartre

**Fire Emblem 7, The Parody  
  
Side Chapter 1: When Dorcas met Bartre**  
  
Author's Note: The following chapter contains pure, somewhat random humor, also building the grounds for a running gag. If you are not a fan of random, silly chapters like this, please wait until Chapter 11 is actually posted up. Thank you.

* * *

Yoshimo was sweating, and running around franticly. "Oh man, what am I gonna do!? The long weekend's over, and everyone's not back yet! We can't start Eliwood's story without Eliwood! Why did I fail to notice it was Thrusday when I left!?"  
  
Yoshimo looked up, and beamed widely. "Bartre! Dorcas! Thank God you two are still here!"  
  
The two fighters looked up at the miniscule director. Er...looked down at the miniscule director...anyway. "We were here all weekend" Dorcas explained. "I could've taken Natelie to Maui, but SOMEONE kept destroying my TV." He glared at Bartre.  
  
"Hey, don't tell me you were pissed that the canceled Family Guy."  
  
"Bartre, they canceled it years ago. Weren't you the least bit suspcious that they're constently playing repeats?"  
  
"...Oh yeah..."  
  
"Well, stop arguing, and get into costume! We need you and Natelie to get on stage and stall the audience for time until Eliwood and the others get back!"  
  
"Got it!" Bartre beamed. Dorcas nodded, and walked off.  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"Well?" Yoshimo asked.  
  
"What, now?" Bartre asked in response.

* * *

Dorcas leaned back on his "Laz-E Boy" chair, opening the paper. Natelie was in the kitchen, humming a cheery tune while cooking supper.  
  
There was a hard knock on the door. Dorcas folded the paper, grunted while he got up, and walked over to the door. Upon opening it, he saw a man with spikey brown hair, and a blue, ragged tunic and gray, tattered pants. He had a metal headband, and was very beefy.  
  
"Hi, I'm Bartre. I'm selling Girl Guide Cookies" he beamed.  
  
"...Don't you have to be a girl to do that?" Dorcas asked.  
  
"Hi, I'm Bartre. I'm selling..."  
  
"Yes, yes, alright, I'll take one box."  
  
"I don't have any."  
  
"Then why did knock on my door saying you were selling girl guide cookies!?"  
  
"... ...Hi, I'm Bartre. I'm..."  
  
"I KNOW!"  
  
"Dorcas, that's no way to treat a guest" Natelie said from the kitchen. "Invite him in."  
  
Dorcas gave a defeated sigh. "Alright, please come in. Just don't touch anything, alright?" He blinked. Bartre wasn't there. Dorcas looked left. Then right. He grinned. "Well, that took care of itself."  
  
He turned around to return to his paper, only to see Bartre sitting in his chair, playing with his axe. "Hey! Get out of my chair!"  
  
"Nice place" Bartre said, nodding and looking around.  
  
"That's it! Out of my house! Now!"  
  
"Dorcas! That's no way to treat a guest!"  
  
"Yes dear..." Dorcas sighed again. Dorcas snatched the axe in Bartre's hand. "Give that back. It was a gift I got back when I was with the _Lyndis Legion_(tm)."  
  
Bartre gasped, before grinning widely, and clapping his hands together. "Oh my god! You're THE Dorcas!"  
  
"..Yes, I am _the_ Dorcas."  
  
"Wow! What's it like being heir to the throne?"  
  
"...What?"  
  
"You're that...you're that guy's grand-daughter!"  
  
"...Do I look like the grand-daughter type to you?"  
  
"Oh shoot..." Natelie muttered. She stepped into the living room. "Dorcas, I need some spices for dinner. Would you be a dear and go get some?"  
  
"Certainly dear" Dorcas nodded, before heading for the door.  
  
"Oh! I know where to get some!" Bartre said, jumping from the chair.  
  
"Yes. In the marketplace three blocks away."  
  
"No! There's a village about four towns away! Best spices you'll ever taste!"  
  
"But...three blocks..."  
  
"Come on!" Bartre shouted, grapping Dorcas's arm, and dragging him along.  
  
"Three blocks!"

* * *

"Come on, please?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Pretty please?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Pretty please with sugar on it?"  
  
"The more you ignore me, THE LOUDER I'LL GET!"  
  
"Argh, alright, alright. As long as you're following me, I might as well teach you to hold your own." Dorcas handed Bartre a hatchet.  
  
"What is this? This isn't worth cutting a block of butter in half!"  
  
"It's a training axe. Now then, we'll use nega...positive reinforcement. Every time you screw up, I'll hit you over the head. Okay?"  
  
"Got it!"  
  
"Okay." Dorcas pulled out his own axe. "Hold your weapon thus."  
  
"Like so?" Bartre asked, mirroring Dorcas's position.  
  
"Good. Now, swing it like." Dorcas swung his axe in a basic downwards attack.  
  
Bartre's train of thought took off in another direction. "Hey look! A fly!"  
  
--SMACK--  
  
"Hey! What was that for!?"  
  
"I repeat, like so" Dorcas swung his axe again.  
  
"Oh, my shoelace is undone..." Bartre bent over to tie it up.  
  
--SMACK--  
  
"Try again."  
  
"There's that fly again."  
  
--SMACK--  
  
"You're hopeless."  
  
"No! Don't give up on me! You're my only hope!"  
  
"...Alright, fine. This will take a while..."

* * *

"Alright, Bartre. We'll set up camp here. Even though we could've gone three blocks....you look for food, while I set up camp. Got it?"  
  
"Got it!"  
----Twenty minutes later----  
"I'm back!" Bartre beamed, stepping into the camp.  
  
"Alright, Bartre. What'd you find?"  
  
"Well, first I found some berries. But they turned out to be poisonous. Then I found some eggs. But they turned out to belong to an eagle."  
  
"...That explains why one is perched on your head."  
  
"And then I went fishing, and BOY were they good! ...So what are you having?"  
  
"Why you little...!!" Dorcas grabbed Bartre by the neck, and started to throttle him.  
  
"ACK! ACK!"

* * *

Dorcas let out a sigh of relief. "Finally. After a two day's hike (compared to three blocks...), we're here. So, where are the spices?"  
  
Bartre blinked, and looked around. "What spices?"  
  
"The spices you said that were of supreme quality in this town."  
  
"...OH! Those spices! ...Wait, this is the wrong town."  
  
"...What!?"  
  
"Those were being sold a few towns away..."  
  
Dorcas reached for his satchel, and pulled out a mace. Bartre gulped, and took off running.  
  
"I'll mace you good!" Dorcas bellowed, giving chase.

* * *

"Okay, now that we're in the RIGHT town..." Dorcas groweled. "Where. Are. The spices?"  
  
"They're in the marketplace by the...hey! Look!" Bartre stared out over the field near the town, where a trio of noble looking people and a girl were getting ready to fight a group of bandits.  
  
"What now?"  
  
"It's just as the knight at the gates said! It is Lord Eliwood!"  
  
"So it would seem. Now..."  
  
"What is he doing? Is he going to fight those bandits? That is the right, lordly thing to do. Should we not go help them?"  
  
"No. We're here for spices. Now where..."  
  
"Let's goooooo!" Bartre pulled out his axe, and gave his charge.  
  
"Three...blocks..." Dorcas whined, trudging after his "apprentice." 


	16. Side Chapter 2: The Plains Revisited

**Fire Emblem 7, The Parody  
  
Side Chapter 2: The Plains Revisted**  
  
Yoshimo rushed over to the nomad girl, the pegasus knight, and green armoured cavalier. "Lyn! Oh thank God you're back!" he beamed with joy.  
  
"Aren't you forgetting someone?" Sain hinted.  
  
"Oh, right. Welcome back, Florina."  
  
Sain gave a loud cough.  
  
"And...Sain? Why'd you bring him along."  
  
"He insisted" Lyn shrugged. "So we made him sleep in the tub."  
  
"It was actually pretty comfortable" Sain nodded. "But even then, it's hard to sleep with these two around. Nouisest sleepers you'll ever meet."  
  
Lyn and Florina looked at each other, blushing. "Um, Sain..." Florina started.  
  
"We weren't sleeping..."  
  
"...Oh. OH! ....oh, why didn't I get to see that!? It's not fair!"  
  
"Perverted knights aside" Yoshimo interrupted, "does anyone know what happened to Eliwood?"  
  
"Sure" Lyn nodded. "He and Ninian were taking dance classes. But Eliwood went and bumped into another couple, and that's when the chain reaction started. Long story short, the fat couple behind them fell over. Eliwood shoved Ninian out of the way, and his legs were smooshed."  
  
"He's in the hospital as we speak" Florina continued. "He should be out in a few more days."  
  
"We don't have time for this. The fans are getting restless!"  
  
At this point, a short man in his mid-30s by the look of it, entered. He had a brown, hooded adventuring armor, and a long, green cape. "Everyone" Yoshimo introduced, "this is a friend of mine, Winnie Gnome. He's created a few side chapters scripts, like the Dorcas and Bartre prequiel."  
  
Dorcas suddenly stormed in. "So you're the one!!" he bellowed. He raised his axe to strike, but the wily gnome was already behind him.  
  
And proceded to push the big warrior down to the ground. "Don't mess with the gnome" Winnie said simply.  
  
"Anyways, Winnie here worked out a script that I need you to act out. We start filming in a few hours. Think you can do it?"  
  
Lyn and Florina looked at each other, and nodded. Lyn turned back to face the director. "We'll give it a shot."

* * *

The newly risen sun shone through the window, past the drapes, and into the eyes of the noble nomad. Lyn gave a soft groan, before yawning. She rolled over on the bed, and looked through sleep crusted eyes, to see Sain looking at her lovingly. "Morning, m'lady" he said gallantly.  
  
"Mmm, morning Sain" Lyn said tiredly, before suddenly realising what was going on, and waking up. "SAIN! What the hell are you doing here! I told the guards to kill on sight--I mean keep you from entering my room! So why are you here!?"  
  
Sain beamed. "Ha! Those guards were no match for me! Be there 5 or be there 20!"  
  
Lyn raised an eyebrow, folding her arms over her chest, and drumming her fingers on her arm.  
  
"They were all off polishing their armour for the departure today."  
  
Lyn beamed. "That's right! Today's the day we head out!"  
  
"Yeah, about that..." Sain brought up sheepishly. "Just...where are we going again?"  
  
"Sain, we've been planning this for MONTHS!"  
  
"Well, I was asleep at all the meetings."  
  
"There weren't any meetings."  
  
"That's my point exactly."  
  
"I'm taking my grandfather to the plains." Lyn clapped her hands together, and gave a sigh. "Finally, I can show my grandfather the land of my birth. The vast fields, streaching as far as the eye can see..."  
  
"And the women that are ripe for the picken!"  
  
"...Right, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get changed."  
  
"Getting changed involves you getting naked, right?"  
  
"At one point, yes."  
  
"If you don't mind, I'll just be staying."  
  
"Where'd I put my sword..."  
  
"If you don't mind, I'll just be going..."

* * *

Kent was walking down the hallway to meet with Lyndis in her chambers, when he noticed someone else hanging around outside her door. "...Sain, what the hell are you doing here?"  
  
"Kent! Lyndis!" Sain said, gesturing towards the keyhole.  
  
"Might I ask why your armour isn't even remotely clean?" Kent continued. "You are coming to the departure ceremoney, correct?"  
  
"Of course!"  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Lyndis and Florina are going!"  
  
"So are Wil and I."  
  
"So?"  
  
"And don't forget, Lady Lyndis will be missing her anger managment courses."  
  
"...Don't care, I'm still going."  
  
"Alright then. Then be at the main gates at 0900 hours."  
  
"That's days from now!"  
  
"...That means nine o'clock."  
  
"Works for me."

* * *

"Alright, maggots!" Cecil barked at the group. "Listen up! We leave here at noon, and head to our first stop, the inn at the Arpharet/Caelin borderline. We'll cover further instructions upon arrival. Any questions? Lyn?"  
  
"Why are you calling us maggots?" Lyn asked, eyebrow raised.  
  
Cecil blushed, and scratched the back of his head. "I...kinda got swept up in the moment. ahem. Any other questions? Sain?"  
  
"May I please go to the washroom?"  
  
"No."  
  
"May I not not go to the washroom?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"May I not not ungo..."  
  
"Could somebody hit him?"  
  
--SMACK--  
  
"Thank you, Lyn."

* * *

"Alright, Lyn" Cecil beamed, standing outside the gates. "Ready to go?"  
  
"You bet. Everyone's all here" Lyn replied with a somewhat mean glint in her eyes.  
  
"Um, Lyn...where's Sain?"  
  
"I told him he couldn't come" Lyn informed calmly.  
  
"Um...Lyn...if your grandfather's gone...and you're gone...and Kent's gone...that puts Sain in charge."  
  
"...Sain!" Lyn shouted, rushing towards the castle. "Get your stupid horse! We're leaving!"

* * *

"Alright, maggots..."  
  
"Cecil" Lyn seethed.  
  
"Sorry...Alright, everyone, here's our first stop out of 20. We'll need to make sure we don't spend our money carelessly, unlike some people I know." Cecil gave Sain a glare.  
  
"So I spent 2 grand in one night" Sain said, annoyed.  
  
"Give or take about a hundread."  
  
"Grand."  
  
"How in hell did you spend over 100,000 in one night?"  
  
"I...anticipated your question...and have prepared an answer that is right...behind you!" With that, Sain took off in the opposite direction.  
  
--WHAM--  
  
"Lyndis, did he..." Hauseen observed. "Did he just run right into a wall?"  
  
"Yes, Grandfather, he did..."

* * *

The group had hit the road again. Lord Hauseen took this time to ask his granddaughter a question that had been bothering him for a while. "Lyndis, might I have a word with you?"  
  
"Huh? Sure, grandpa. What is it?"  
  
"When you get older, you'll need to marry in order to become queen. Have you given any thought to that?"  
  
Lyn blushed, and started to scratch her cheek. "W..well, there is this one person I like, but I haven't entertained the thought of love, let alone marriage." Her eyes, if pulled by string, shifted over towards Florina, who was busy talking with Kent about her training.  
  
Hauseen misinterperated her gaze. "Ah, Kent. Capital idea. Charming, gallant, stout heart, and a head for politics. Plus he knows how to treat his superiors. Couldn't have made a better..."  
  
"Um, grandfather?"  
  
"Yes, Lyndis?"  
  
"It's not Kent."  
  
"...Oh. Well, is it that tacticion, Weasel?"  
  
"Grandfather, for the last time, his name is _Cecil_."  
  
"Right. Measel."  
  
"CECIL!"  
  
"Cecil. Hmm. A bit of a rube, but he's good at heart. Strategic mind, and probably would lead Caelin into an age of prosperity."  
  
"It's not him either."  
  
"...It IS someone in this group, right?"  
  
"Yes, grandfather, it is."  
  
"Hmm...well, is it that squirrelly boy, Wil?"  
  
"I'm not squirrelly!"  
  
"No, it's not Wil" Lyn calmly explained.  
  
"Oh, it better not be that dolt, Sain."  
  
"No, oh dear God, not Sain."  
  
"Oh. Then the only one that leaves is..."  
  
"Yes...?"  
  
"Me! Is that the way you savages swing up there!? That's it, I'm going home. What was your mother thinking?" Lord Hauseen trodded off.  
  
Lyn could only sigh. "Not even halfway, and already grandfather wants to go home."

* * *

"Alright, we're at stop number 17" Cecil explained. "We'll have to double up on rooms so that we don't exhaust our coin. Lyn, you and Florina will take one room..."  
  
Lyn gave a strained smile, a few beads of sweat, and a "sure". Florina just blushed timidly and twiddled her thumbs.  
  
"Lord Hauseen and Wil will take the next..."  
  
"Do I really have to share a room with squirrelly boy here?"  
  
"I'm not squirrelly!"  
  
"Alright, Wil and I will take the next room, and Kent and Lord Hauseen will take the third. Sound good?"  
  
"S..sure..." Lyn said with a stutter.  
  
"No complaints" Kent shook his head.  
  
"What about me?" Sain complained.  
  
"Good question" Cecil said sarcastically, not even gracing Sain with a glance.  
  
"Don't I get a room?" Sain asked.  
  
"Do you have any money?" Cecil asked in response, still not looking up from his supply kit.  
  
"Well, no..."  
  
"It's not my fault you spent it all in the first two nights."  
  
"So I bought a few beers..."  
  
"Sain, we found you piss drunk..."  
  
"So..."  
  
"Riding a camel..."  
  
"Well..."  
  
"On the roof..."  
  
"You see..."  
  
"Of a five story building."

* * *

"Cecil, are we lost?" Florina asked timidly.  
  
Cecil grinned, blushing a tad. "Of course not! What ever gave you that idea?"  
  
"Well, you've been looking left and right, confused, for the past few hours now" Florina pointed out innocently.  
  
Cecil rubbed the back of his neck. "Ah..."  
  
"Peh" Sain coughed. "Cecil's inner compas is as acurate as General Wallace's. Don't worry, hunny cakes, I, your gallant champion Sain, shall save the day."  
  
"..._hunny cakes_?" Kent asked, eyebrow raised.  
  
"Shut up, Kent. Now, as the plains are over the mountains, all we have to do is follow them until we hit an opening. So, let's go! To the mountains!" Sain rode off.  
  
The group just stood there, staring in desbelief.  
  
"Mountains" Sain repeated, riding in the opposite direction, towards the mountains.

* * *

"Gods, you're worse than Wallace and Cecil combined!" Kent complained.  
  
"We're not that lost" Sain protested.  
  
"We're in a cave!"  
  
"Minor setback."  
  
"Sain, has anyone ever told you that you were an idiot?" Wil asked, annoied.  
  
"I don't see you doing any better."  
  
"Oh yeah? Alright, everyone. Follow me."  
_  
Five minutes later_  
  
Wil waved his arm across the horizon. "See? Here we are. The plains."  
  
"Now why didn't we take this shortcut the first time..." Cecil wondered outloud.  
  
"Well, you never asked" Wil replied with a joking smile.  
  
That earned him a few glares. "Well, squirrelly boy" Sain taunted.  
  
"I'm not...oh forget it."  
  
"If you're a master if directions, why don't you scout around to see if it's safe. These mountains are plauged with bandits, you know."  
  
As Wil left, Kent turned to Sain. "Wow. You remembered the Talivar bandits. I'm impressed."  
  
Sain got off of his horse. "Well, it's kinda hard to forget when they go out of their way to make themselves known." He proceded to pluck an arrow from his behind.  
  
After a while, Wil returned, looking nervous. "Um, guys? Remember those bandits you warned me about?" he asked. "Well, they're camped just a ways ahead, and they might've seen me."  
  
Lyn pulled out her sword. "We should be able to take care of them easily" she said with a slightly evil grin.  
  
Florina mounted her pegasus, and pulled out her lance. "I'll act as the decoy so that you can make the first strike."  
  
Kent shook his head. "It'd probably be best for Sain or I to act as the decoy. If something were to go array, at least we can hold our own for a while."  
  
"I've been doing some training on the side back in Caelin..."  
  
"I like a little something on the side" Sain said slyly, placing a hand on Florina's shoulder.  
  
"I'm going to smack you UPside the head, if you don't get your hand off of her!" Lyn snapped.

* * *

"Hey! Bandits! Up here! I'm a distraction!"  
  
"Hey look! A distraction! Get her!"  
  
Kent blinked, as the bandits began to chase the pegasus knight, even though she was high in the air. "Well, that worked..."

* * *

As the team were busy wiping out the small camp of bandits, Cecil and Marquess Caelin were getting to know one another.  
  
"So..." Cecil scratched behind his ear. "What do you think of today's music?"  
  
"Was there ever a _yesterday's music_?" Hauseen asked, rolling his eyes. Which suddenly went wide, as he got to his feet. "Lyndis! A bandit is coming from behind her! She'll be killed!"  
  
Cecil snapped his fingers. "Damn. They're too far for me to shout at, and also too far for me to reach in time. No time to lose then..." And so, Cecil crafted a working megaphone, using only some string, a squirrel, and a megaphone.

* * *

Needless to say, the team achieved victory. The bandits were defeated, Lyn was unharmed, Sain did some cheesy battle techniques to impress the ladies, and my wrists are getting sore. Of course, this wasn't the end of their problems.  
  
"...You tied a squirrel to a what?" Wil asked, eyebrow raised.  
  
"Okay, gang. I got some good news, and I got some bad news" Cecil reported grimly.  
  
"Seriously, how'd you pull that off!?" Wil continued, befuddled.  
  
"Good news is, we're all safe and the bandits are gone. Bad news is...bear got our stuff."  
  
"Maybe because you tied a friggin'** sqiurrel** to a friggin' **megaphone**!"  
  
"Ha!" Sain laughed. "I, Sain the Mighty, will give that bear what for! Stand aside!" With that, Sain marched off.

* * *

"Aaaaaahhhh!" Sain screamed, rushing back to the group and ducking behind Lyn. "The bear is after me!"  
  
"_Sain the Mighty_?" Lyn asked, tauntingly.  
  
"It takes a REAL man to run that fast!"  
  
Lord Hauseen groaned. "Alright, I've HAD IT! Wil! Get the carriage!"  
  
"Yes, my lord!" Wil gave a slaute, before walking off. Not even a minute passed before he returned. "Um...it's not here."  
  
"Well, where is it!?"  
  
"Back at the castle."  
  
"Go get it, then!"  
  
"But..."  
  
"I SAID GO!"

* * *

"Okay, we got these babies ready, so here we go" Yoshimo said, wiping his brow. "Welcome to another episode of the Wheel of Randomosity!"  
  
Up in the sound booth, Ryuu played the "You Don't Know Jack" theme song.  
  
"Alright, we all know how this works, so let's begin. Who wants to spin the wheel?"  
  
Minoa raised her hand, and started hopping up and down. "Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Yoshimo! Over here! Me! Minoa! Pick Minoa! Ooh! Yoshimo!"  
  
Yoshimo pondered a bit. "Mmm, Sain, you want to do this?"  
  
"No!" Sain snapped, turning his back to the chibi-fied director.  
  
"Over here in the back!"  
  
"Kent?"  
  
The red knight shook his head. "No" he said calmly, but with a bit of malice in his tounge.  
  
"The girl with her arms raised and getting sore!"  
  
"Lyn?"  
  
The nomad girl folded her arms behind her back, and traced circles on the ground with her toes. "Not exactly..."  
  
"Then...I suppose Minoa."  
  
"Yaaaaay!" Minoa squealed, bounding towards the wheels. She spun them both in quick succession.  
  
"Wheel of Randomosity, whirl whirl whirl. Give us a pairing, and don't make us hurl" Yoshimo sang.  
  
Both wheels started to slow down. The first landed on Wil, and the next on...  
  
"You know, for Wheels of Randomosity, it's not all that random..." Yoshimo muttered to himself.  
  
Rath.  
  
"Not agaaaaaaain!" Wil screamed, latching onto one of the support beams. Chibi-Zell proceded to attempt praying Wil off with a crowbar.  
  
"Come on, Sain and Kent had to do it, countless others will have to do it, it's your own bad luck that you were selected" Chibi-Zell explained calmly.  
  
Minoa blinked. "What did you mean by Not very random?"  
  
"Wil and Rath is another one of those over done pairings that make no sense what so ever. Like Kent and Sain. Or Guy and Matthew. Or Lui...no, wait, there is evidence to support that case" Yoshimo explained.  
  
Minoa beamed. "Yay!" she pulled out a piece of cardboard, and drew a chibi-fied Wil and Rath kissing.  
  
Yoshimo groaned. "Am I the only one here who supports straight pairings on a majority?"  
  
"Unless Winnie were here right now...I'd have to say yes."  
  
Chibi-Zell had succesfully pried Wil off, and was currently dragging him towards the stage. "I got the unwilling sucker" he reported.  
  
"Now where's the other sucker?" Yoshimo asked, looking around.  
  
"Oh, he's off in Detroit. He's still on long weekend" Sain explained.  
  
"Then...I guess we'll just have to have end the Wheel right now. Wil, you're free to go."  
  
Wil cheered, as Chibi-Zell released the back of his shirt. "I'm free! My lips are Rath-less!"  
  
"Just be warned, Wil" Chibi-Zell said lowly and ominousily. "Soon, Rath will return. And then, when you least expect it...SMOOCH!"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHH!" Wil screamed, running the other way, arms flailing.  
  
Chibi-Zell fell over backwards, laughing hysterically.  
  
"Right, so, until next time, I'm Yoshimo..."  
  
"Hee hee--I'm---ha ha ha--Chibi-Zell...bwaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"  
  
"And I'm dissapointed that Rath wasn't here today..." Minoa pouted. 


	17. Side Chapter 3: Two views on escourting

**Fire Emblem 7, The Parody  
  
Side Chapter 3: Two Views on Escourting**  
  
"Eliwood!" Yoshimo grinned widely. "You're back and in good health!"  
  
Eliwood smirked. "My bones knit quickly" he explained. "It didn't take me too long to recover."  
  
"Excellent! So, now that you're here, why don't we...um..." Yoshimo looked around. "Alright, where the hell is Kozo?"  
  
"Hmm..." the red haired noble scratched his chin. "If I'm not mistaken, Kozo and Acentine are at Zell's studio, begining production of My Emerald."  
  
Yoshimo groaned. "Of all times to continue work on that smut, did it have to be now?"  
  
Chibi-Zell glared daggers at Yoshimo. "I have been sending you that aformentioned _smut_, and you have been reading that _smut_ from square one!"  
  
"Well, not the smut, per say!" Yoshimo defended. "The de-smutified version, really." He sighed. "Alright, we'll just need to hold off the fans one more time."  
  
Winnie did a triple-sumersault dive from the rafters, landing perfectly on his feet. "Perhaps this would be an oprotune moment to use another of my chapters?" he suggested, pulling a script from his cloak.  
  
Yoshimo took the manuscript, and read it over. He nodded. "Alright, we're going to need Erk, Priscilla and Serra for this one. So where the hell are they?"  
  
"I heard that before our four day weekend began" Dorcas explained, "Priscilla locked herself up in her trailer, and didn't come out. Then, when Erk came back, he joined her in the trailer, and hasn't come out either."  
  
"And what about Serra?" Yoshimo asked.  
  
"Couldn't immediately tell you, although I did see her this morning going towards the trailer with a blow torch."  
  
Yoshimo rolled his eyes. "Can't really piece those two immediately together, can we? Alright, everyone spread out, and get them. We start filming in two hours."

* * *

"Erk" said a tall man with silver hair, tied in a ponytail. He had a black, mage's outfit, and a long, flowing cape. "I think it's time we had a talk..."  
  
Erk blinked. "What is it, master Pent?"  
  
"Well, Louise and I were talking, and we decided it's high time that you get a job to prepare you for the real world."  
  
Erk gave them a half-hearted glance. "I _do_ have a job. I'm a waiter at the finest restaurant in town."  
  
A woman with golden blonde hair, also in a ponytail, spoke up. "You can't be a waiter forever. You need something that will really bring in the cash."  
  
"I'm bringing in 70$ a week" Erk explained. "That's 280$ a month. And that's 3080$ a year, after deducting Christimas break, and the two weeks I get off in summer."  
  
"But 3080 gold a year is not enough to live on" Pent continued. "You won't be living with us forever."  
  
"I know. But considering that I am in my late teen years, 3080 a year is satisfactory."  
  
"Well...but...you see..." Louise tried to add in another part to the arguement.  
  
"If I didn't know any better" Erk continued, "I'd say you two just want me out of the house for a few days, because of your hormonal impulses could disturb my yet to be tainted audial..."

* * *

Erk sat on his butt on the doorstep of Pent's mansion. His suitcase was by his side, his purse was filled to the brim, and some giggiling was heard behind the door. "Well, I was right..." he shrugged, before getting up. "Just stay out of my room!" He shouted back into the house. "When I come back, I'd prefer clean sheets." He shook his finger menicingly. "And I know what colour they are!"  
  
He picked up his suitcase, and looked at the town square ahead. "So they want me to get a job, huh? Well, no point in just standing out here." With that, Erk set off to seek his fortune.  
  
Which didn't take long. As soon as he reached the town square, a man who was probably a very successful swordsman rushed over to him. He now looked like he was on the brink of madness. "Please, buddy, you gotta help me! How would you like a job!?"  
  
"Uh..."  
  
"Just escourt a young girl. I'll give you 500 gold if you do it!"  
  
"Well..."  
  
"1000!"  
  
"Deal!"  
  
The man shoved another purse of money into Erk's hand, before rushing off, clicking his heels. "Yay! I'm free! Free at last!"  
  
Erk blinked, and looked at the gold in his hand. "Well, at least I've got some gold to take back to Pent and Louise. Now just who..."  
  
At that moment, a pink haired girl, her hair tied in pigtails, rushed over to Erk. "Excuse me, mister" she requested loudly.  
  
"I'm standing right next to you, you don't have to shout" Erk muttered, cleaning his ear out with his index finger.  
  
"I'm looking for my escourt. He screamed something incohearantly, and then ran off with the 1000 gold I gave him at the start of the adventure."  
  
Erk stared at her, before looking at the money in his hand. "I do believe that I'm your new escourt now..." he muttered.  
  
The girl beamed. "Yay! Well, as long as we'll be traveling together, we should get to know eachother! I'm Serra!"  
  
"Erk" Erk said simply, pocketing the other purse.  
  
"Let's go, Erky! We need to get to the next village by nightfall!"  
  
"...It's already nightfall, and the town's three days away."  
  
"So....?"  
  
"So...this is going to be a long trip..."

* * *

"Errrrrrrk!" Serra whined. "My feet hurt!"  
  
"So do mine, but you don't hear me complaining" Erk said calmly.  
  
"Get me a horse from that town over there."  
  
"But..."  
  
"Go!"

* * *

As Erk entered the town square, his eyes widened, and he rushed over to a plump, middle aged man. "Sir! I will give you 150 gold for that horse!"  
  
"That one? ...Sure, but, you do know it's a donkey..."  
  
"Close enough."  
  
"With three legs..."  
  
"Close..."  
  
"And one eye..."  
  
"Enough!"  
  
"And no tai--"  
  
"I SAID CLOSE ENOUGH!"

* * *

"Well, it certainly is an....interesting horse..." Serra said blankly. "So, what about the rest of my stuff?"  
  
"Your...what!?"  
  
Serra groaned, and clenched her hands against her forehead. She threw her arms to either side. "I made you a list of things to get m--" She looked at her right hand, which was still clenched in a fist. She opened her hand, revealing a folded up piece of paper. "Oh wait, here it is."  
  
It was Erk turn to groan.  
  
Serra pouted, and held forward the paper. "Well, what are you waiting for? Go get it!"  
  
Erk growled, and snatched the paper out of her hand, and stomping off. "Get her her stuff, oh I'll get her her stuff!" he said cruelly.

* * *

Erk returned with a few shopping bags in his arms. "I got you your stuff" he said, putting it down. "And some poison, and some juice." He held forward a glass of orange juice. "Want a drink?"  
  
"No thanks. I'm not thirsty."  
  
"Damn..."

* * *

Erk and Serra were currently on a forested road. Serra was humming a cheery tune, while Erk was reading a small little pocket book. Serra suddenly stopped. A few yards ahead, their backs turned, were a group of surly looking axemen. The cleric beamed. "Look, Erk! It's a group of fellow adventurers!"  
  
"...Serra, let's try to stay out of sight. Those look like bandits."  
  
"Oh, you're just being predjeduce. Yoo-hoo! Hey! Hi there!"  
  
The bandits looked up, and grinned evilly.  
  
Erk opened his mouth several times to speak, before finally sighing, and letting out slowly "Serra, do you try to be an idiot, or does it just come naturally?"  
  
"I'd say naturally" Serra shrugged.  
  
Erk blinked. "You really didn't answer, right? Especially with that sort of..."  
  
The supposed leader of the bandits approached, smirking. "Well, well. If it isn't forlorn lovers walking through the woods."  
  
"I hate her guts."  
  
"But, I'm a generous sort of guy, so I'll make you a deal. If you beat me in a duel, I'll spare the girl's life. Not to sure about you though."  
  
"Could it be the other way around? Please?"  
  
"Not very gentlemanly of you, sir..."  
  
"Just kill her!"  
  
"Draw your sword."  
  
"I don't have one."  
  
"...Axe?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Spear?"  
  
Erk shook his head.  
  
"Well then, this'll be easier than I thought." The bandit raised his axe high, and charged.  
  
Erk smirked. "But I do have..." he said, before flipping his cape back, and shifting his hands in a mystical manner. "Elfire!"  
  
A pillar of flames encircled the bandit, before pelting him with a barrage of fireballs. When the flames passed, the bandit still stood, charred and burned all over. "...Damn" he groaned, before passing out.  
  
"Oh, shit!" muttered a smaller highwayman.  
  
"Run! A mage!" shouted another, before the whole group took off running.  
  
Erk gave a smirk. "And don't come back" he said cooly.  
  
Serra cheered. "Yay! Erk, you were amazing! That was soooo awesome!"  
  
Erk actually blushed, humbled. "Um...ehe..."  
  
"Until that mage showed up and scared you off."  
  
"...Serra, I WAS that mage."  
  
"Oh. You stink."  
  
"A long trip...."

* * *

Erk leaned back in his chair. The two had spent the evening at an inn, as far from each other as possible. Serra walked over to the table, carrying breakfast. Erk didn't even look at the meal. "Why is life so cruel to me?"  
  
Serra smiled, and gave a reassuring look. "It's not all bad. You still have me."  
  
"Why is life so cruel to me?"  
  
After finishing off breakfast, the two left, and soon found themselves lost. "Oooh...we're lost! This makes me so mad!" Serra pouted.  
  
Erk sighed. "You told me you were CERTAIN this was the right path" he growled.  
  
"What's your point, Erk? What are you trying to say?"  
  
"...I swear, you are NOT the woman I agreed to escourt!"  
  
"And what's THAT supposed to mean?"  
  
"I heard that someone was needed to escourt a frail, dainty Lycian priestess to Ostia."  
  
"Yes, and I am said frail priestess."  
  
"Frail? You? Serra, you have no need of any escourt to protect yourself. Even the most hardened criminal would flee in terror after only five minutes of your company. So, here's your gold, which I return gladly." He handed her a bag of gold. "Now will you PLEASE go on to Ostia alone?"  
  
Serra shook her head. "You're MY escourt, Erk. MINE! You're so clean, and tidy, and handsome, and well kept, and handsome, and smart..." She stuck her nose up. "A noble woman like myself must be seen with a proper escourt." She smirked at him. "You're personality is nothing special, but you're not bad to look at."  
  
"I believe that's my line" he said, arms folded over his chest. "And you expect me to take you all the way to Ostia? I only hope my nerves can endure the journey..."  
  
"What are you mumbling about? You're so gloomy! Why, I..." she suddenly stopped, and looked over at the field of combat. "What do you suppose is happening over there?"  
  
"Wouldn't know, wouldn't care" Erk sighed, starting to walk away.  
  
"Oooh! It's a fight! Let's check it out!" Serra rushed off to a good watching position.  
  
"...Of course" Erk sighed, watching her run off. "First sign of trouble, and she's just ready to jump in. I wonder if I killed someone important in my past life..."

* * *

"Okay, wonderful, people" Yoshimo said through the megaphone. "Now, get the set ready, we're about to start the Erk and Priscilla prequ--" The director stopped, and looked at his megaphone. Tied to it was a squirrel.  
  
"...You...forgot to take that off, did you?" Chibi-Zell asked.  
  
"Shut up."  
  
Winnie sighed. "Humans can be so absent minded."  
  
Yoshimo glared at the ranger/druid. "And I suppose you gnomes are any better?"  
  
Winnie jerked his head up. "What. Did you call me?" he asked coldly.  
  
"I called you a gnome. That's what you are, right, you gnome? I mean, what else am I supposed to call you gnomes? You're very gnomish, and you look like gnomes, and you..."  
  
A throwing dagger appeared in Winnie's hand.  
  
"...are very good, dwarven like people" Yoshimo changed gears.

* * *

Erk sighed, and leaned back on his chair. "God, I'm glad that's over. I never want to escourt another person as long as I live."  
  
Matthew blinked. "What are you talking about?" he asked. "You had some laughs, made a few bucks..."  
  
"Not if you keep taking it."  
  
"Come on, I'll buy you a drink."  
  
"I'm not thirsty."  
  
"...Then I'll assume you want your money back."  
  
"Why THANK YOU, Matthew! What a genorous offer!"  
  
"By the way, Erky boy, I heard someone in town needs an escourt. You have experience on the field, and from what I hear, she is nothing like Se--"  
  
"DON'T say that name!"  
  
"What, Serra?"  
  
"Gah! You said it!" With that, Erk stood up, and left.

* * *

A young woman with short, red hair, a feather tiara, and a short, white and green dress walked meekly through the streets, a small bit of blush on her cheeks. She bumped into a rather large man. "Oh! I'm sorry..."  
  
"Sorry ain't gonna--" the man started, before noticing her. "Why, hello little lady. What's a doll like you doing walking through a town like this?"  
  
"I...I was just looking for an escourt to..."  
  
"How about I escourt you to my bed?" With that, he reached forward, and grabbed her wrist, and tried to drag her along.  
  
"N..no! Please, let go!"  
  
"Unhand her!" a demanding voice called out.  
  
Both looked up to face who made the shout. Erk rushed towards them. "Did you not hear me the first time? I said let her go."  
  
The big man smirked, and dropped the girl. "And what are you going to do about it?"  
  
"Oh, not much outside of THUNDER!"  
  
A bolt of lightning struck the man. For some reason, he stood unphased. "Was that supposed to work?" he asked.  
  
Erk growled. "Maybe not that, but maybe an ELFIRE!"  
  
The pillar of flame circled the man, and fireballs rained on him. Again, he stood undaunted.  
  
"Oh for crap's sake..." Erk rolled his eyes, before throwing a punch. The big man's jaw felt the full force.  
  
He stood standing. "Was that supposed to hurt?" he asked. He then fell to the ground, out cold.  
  
"Well, that worked..." Erk muttered.  
  
The girl beamed brightly, and jumped for joy. "You were so strong!" she said admiringly. "My name's Priscilla. Could you help me, please? I'll pay you 500 gold."  
  
Erk blushed, and rubbed the back of his neck. "Ah, well...I haven't had the best experience in this busine--"  
  
"I'll even go as high as 1000."  
  
"Deal!"  
  
"Great! I'll just go get my horse!" Priscilla winked, and walked off.  
  
Erk blinked, before kicking the dirt. "I have GOT to stop doing that!"

* * *

"But I feel so wrong about it" Priscilla said, looking down at Erk. "It's just not right."  
  
"Don't fret over it" Erk said with a smile. "I'm used to these conditions."  
  
"But...you've been walking for hours." Priscilla brushed her horse's mane. "Are you sure you don't want to switch places?"  
  
Erk waved his hand dismissingly. "I said it's alright. I don't mind the walk."  
  
Priscilla sighed, defeated, and looked around, thinking of things to talk about. She suddenly thought of one. "Erk, you mentioned that you used to escourt someone once, right?"  
  
Erk stared ahead in silence, before finally saying "Once, yes. Wasn't a pleasent experience."  
  
"What went wrong?"  
  
"Well, the person I escourted was whiney, stubborn, obnoxious..."  
  
_Seventeen minutes later...  
_  
"...picky and stupid."  
  
Priscilla's jaw dropped. "My goodness..."  
  
Erk smiled. "I just had to get that off of my chest."  
  
Suddenly, the two came to a stop. "We got trouble..." Priscilla muttered. Standing a few yards ahead of them were a trio of bandits, speaking amongst each other.  
  
"Great, brigands..." Erk groaned. He looked over at Priscilla. "And I suppose you want to say hi?"  
  
Priscilla looked at Erk quizzically. "I don't know about you, but I want to avoid them if I can."  
  
Erk blinked, before grinning. "Oh my god! She's smart!"  
  
"Hey, there's some noise over there!" one of the brigands stated, before the three approached.  
  
"...If anyone, I blame Serra" Erk said bluntly.  
  
The ring leader of the small group smirked. "Well, looks like some noble twerps. If they don't have some cash on them, their parents should."  
  
Erk held up his hand. "Excuse me, sir" he interupted.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You want to attack us, right?"  
  
"Duh."  
  
"Then...where are your weapons?"  
  
The bandit blinked, before looking down. Unlike usual, his axe wasn't tucked into his belt. He gave a feral growl, before glaring at his cronies. "Damnit, Steve! You were supposed to bring the damn axes!"  
  
"It was my turn last time! It was Carl's turn!"  
  
"No, it was your's, Steve!"  
  
"One of you is going to have to go back in get it!"  
  
"Well, it's not gonna be me!"  
  
"Oh, I'll make it you!"  
  
With that, the three tackled each other, fists flying.  
  
"Well, that worked..." Priscilla muttered.  
  
Erk brushed his nose with his thumb. "Too easy."

* * *

"Oh not again..." Prisicilla groaned.  
  
The two were on an open field. And flying towards them were a trio of wyvern riders.  
  
Erk stepped forward. "Leave this to me" he insisted. "I can handle them." He spread his arms wide, mumbling a spell under his breath, before thrusting his arm forward. "THUNDER!"  
  
A bolt of lightning smashed into the furthest Wyvern Rider. After hitting the ground with a loud thud, the rider spoke up werily "I'm not dead..."  
  
Erk started chanting another spell. "ELFIRE!" A barrage of fireballs pelted the second, who also fell with a thud. "I am..."  
  
Although, due to the rules of turnbased, and as he FINALLY made it, Erk had to stand in place while the third stabbed him in the side with his lance.  
  
"Crappy turned based system..." Erk seethed. "THUNDER SPELL!"  
  
--Zap-- **CRITICAL HIT**  
  
Erk dusted his palms, before slumping to his knees. "Heh, that wasn't as bad as it could've been..."  
  
Priscilla gasped, and rushed over to Erk. "Oh dear, Erk! You're in pain. Here, let me heal you." She raised her staff to her Erk's wound.  
  
As the blue light started to shine, Erk blushed. "My goodness" he muttered. "She's smart, beautiful AND talented..." He blinked, before holding his head in his hand, exasperated. "Did I just say that outloud?"  
  
Priscilla blushed, as the spell was finished. "Do you...really think I'm beautiful?"  
  
"Of course!" Erk said, looking at her directly. "You're the most...I said that out loud too, didn't I?"

* * *

"Make way for the son of Marquess Laus, Prince Erik!" The command boomed throughout the small village.  
  
Almost every village came out to see what all the ruckus was about, including Erk and Priscilla, who were paying a visit. At the front was a soldier garbed in shimering red armor. Behind him was a small group of other soldiers in similar suits of armour. In the center of the soldiers was a man with short, sandy-brown hair, and magenta armour.  
  
"Tomorrow is Prince Erik's 18th birthday. As a present from his father, his has come to this village to pick his future bride."  
  
Erk rolled his eyes. "This should be amusing."  
  
Erik looked around, observing each of the girls carefully. He pointed at several. "Let's see....do her, do her, wouldn't do her, do her, who hasn't done her, lose the pigtails and we'll talk, do her, done her..." his eyes fell upon Priscilla. He beamed. "Want her!"  
  
Erk blinked, and looked over at Priscilla. "Please tell me there is someone standing behind you...."  
  
Priscilla checked. "Yes, but...it's a guy."  
  
Erk sighed. "Well, we have no choice. Let's run!" With that, the two bolted for the exit.  
  
"Guards! Stop them!" Erik demanded.  
  
A small group of knights came from out of hiding near the gates, and stood in their way. Erk and Priscilla came to a stop.  
  
Erik smirked. "So, trying to get away, are we? Well, until you accept my proposal of love, you shall remain here!"  
  
Prisicilla blinked. "And how does leaving me trapped here make me love you?"  
  
"...I'll check on you in a few days." With that, Erik and his squadren left. 


	18. Chapter Eleven: Taking Leave

**Fire Emblem 7, the Parody  
  
Chapter 11: Taking Leave**  
  
"And print!" Yoshimo said into the megaphone. He sighed. "And another side chapter done. I wonder how long the fans will be able to take this..."  
  
"Not much longer" a familiar, somewhat cynical voice.  
  
Yoshimo sighed. "Kozo, when someone is talking to themself, you don't ans..." Yoshimo froze, and spun around. "Kozo! You're here!"  
  
Kozo smirked. "In the fleash, pint-size. Now then, when am I..."  
  
Yoshimo looked down, and back up. "Um, Kozo, you're uh..." The director pointed down.  
  
Kozo looked down, and blushed.  
  
--Zip--  
  
"Sorry. Whenever I'm with Acetine, I sorta get carried away. Especially when he gently bites my shoul--"  
  
"Yes, yes, we got it, now please get into costume" Yoshimo interuppted.

* * *

Before this chapter begins, we have to show you this little backstory. So we transfer you to Korgan Bloodaxe, who requested to do this bit of the narration.  
  
"Ay, dat be sounding right!" the dwarven battlerager grinned. "Now den...ahem. Once, man and drrragon fought in a war that was called da Scourring...Mankound vanquished the drragons, thunks to the efforts of eight herroes. These moughty generals brought peace to Elibe. The continent was divided into nations, und the people enjoyed an easy prrosperity."  
  
"The herro Hartmut settled in the east und founded Berrrn, famed fur it's military might. Saint Elimine moved west, und her sacrred name flourished amung the artisans of Eturia. The hurseman Hanon's legacy lived un with the noomads of his beloved plains of Sacae. The birthplace of the knight Barigan is now hume to the Knights of Ilia. The Berserker Duban's final glorry was to create a clan of warriors in da Western Isles. The arrchsage Athos is said to have retired in the barren wasteland of....Nevada?"  
  
NaBATA, you moron! NaBATA!  
  
"The barren wasteland of NABATA! Und the heirs of Roland themselves 'ave become the lurds of the Lycian League. Elibe 'as enjoyed peace dat 'as lasted nine-undred und eighty years..."  
  
Thank you, Korgan. I didn't even know you were Scottish.  
  
"I'm a frrricken dwarrf! No where's me paycheck!?"  
  
Here it is.  
  
"WHAT!?!? This meager prrice!"  
  
This was your only appearance, kilt boy.  
  
"Scrrew you too!"

* * *

Deep within the Lycian League lies Pherae, a land that has not known conflict for many generations, but now finds itself in deep trouble. Ha ha. Suckers. It's benevolent and beloved ruler, Lord Elbert, has mysteriously vanished. Ooooh. Spooky. As have a number of his sworn men, loyal knights that served by his side.  
  
A month has passed without word from the marquess. Rumors of his death abound. However, the marquess's son still believes his father lives, and has sworn to find him.  
  
Marquess Pherae's son, Eliwood: A red haired youth who will one day become the finest knight in all of Lycia. Well, doesn't that just make him feel special?  
  
"Actually, I'd rather be a fragrance alchemist" Eliwood grinned sheepishly.  
  
Shut up, ya pansy.  
  
"Well, excuse me for wanting to make women smell better."  
  
And your father hasn't disowned you WHY?  
  
"I've got a rapier. Don't make me poke you like there's no tomorrow."  
  
His long journey begins right about....here.

* * *

The young noble brushed back his red hair, as a small village came into view. Riding up next to him was a man with short, purple hair, a purple beard, and light brown armor. "Lord Eliwood" the knight said, "we leave on your word."  
  
"Excellent, Marcus" Eliwood smiled. He turned to face the woman who approached him. She was beautiful, with long, purple hair, and a fancy, white dress. "Mother, it is time for me to go."  
  
"Alright" the woman nodded. "But back safely. If I were to lose both you and your father, I don't know what I'd do."  
  
"I'll be back, mother. And with father in tow. Don't worry."  
  
"Okay." The woman held up some paper bags. "I made you some bagged lunches for the trip."  
  
"Aww, thanks mom." Eliwood took the bags, and put them in his pack.  
  
"And an extra sweater in case you get cold."  
  
"Um..thanks."  
  
"And this bag, with six freash pairs of underwear."  
  
"MOTHER!!!" Eliwood started to calm down, as a woman with long, deep blue hair, and sparkling white armor came forward. "Isadora, I trust my mother's safety with you."  
  
"Of course" Isadora nodded. "Mark my word, no harm shall befall your mother."  
  
As Eliwood packed up all his new "equipment", his mother and their escort got ready to head back home. "Well, Marcus, I guess it's just the two of us."  
  
"Not so. My squire Lowen will be joining us. He's in the village as we speak, seeking men and arms for our cause." Marcus sighed. "I'm more used to leaving with a larger force, but it's your call..."  
  
"I wouldn't deprive my mother of a single guard" Eliwood explained. "Our best knights vanished with my father, like Angleberg, Lysander, Harken..."  
  
Marcus flinched. "Ex-ney on the arken-Hay!" he seethed.  
  
"What are you..." Eliwood was about to ask, before turning, and noticing Isadora beginning to tear up. "Oh..oh yeah. They had a little thing going on..."  
  
"Little? Eliwood, before he left, he promised he'd marry her when he came back, and you call it little?"  
  
"He did what to the who now?"  
  
"...What's taking Lowen so long, anyway?" Marcus asked for a change of subject.  
  
"Now left! Go left!" shouted a teenaged, female voice. "Watch out for that tree!"  
  
"I can see the god damn tree!" shouted a lighter, more mature male voice.  
  
"You can see past that hair?" asked a deeper, but still young male voice. "Wow."  
  
"No dissing the do!"  
  
Riding before Marcus and Eliwood was a young man in mustard yellow armor, with green hair spiked on the top, but the bangs going past his eyes, almost touching his nose. "Lord Eliwood! Sir Marcus!" he shouted, paniking.  
  
"Lowen! Calm yourself!" Marcus demanded. "A knight must be in control at all times!"  
  
"Village! Bandits! Attacking! 20 off shoe sale!"  
  
"Bandits!?" Marcus demanded.  
  
"Shoe sale?" Eliwood grinned.  
  
"Actually, I kinda got sweapt up in the moment" Lowen rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm not sure about that shoe sale bit."  
  
"Oh..."  
  
"The girl has more information."  
  
A young teen jumped off the horse, and bowed. She wore a simple, country outfit, with a brown, leather cap, and green hair in pig tails. She had a quiver on her back and carried a bow and arrow. "My lord Eliwood" she addressed. "I am Rebecca, the daughter of the village's magistrate. We humbly request your help. Bandits have taken over, you see, and..."  
  
"Say no more" Eliwood smiled. "We're going to help you."  
  
"Oh thank you! Of course, you'll be rewarded."  
  
If you could see his eyes, you could see that Lowen's were filled with dollar signs.  
  
"No reward required. We're doing this for the good of the people."  
  
The dollar signs were cut in half.  
  
"Now, let's go save that village!"  
  
"Yay!" Lowen and Rebecca cheered enthusiastically.  
  
"Yay" sighed Marcus and the other character on Lowen's horse.  
  
"Oh! There's another person here who is willing to help us, lord Eliwood!" Lowen beamed, as said person leapt off. He was a man cloaked in blood red robes, with the symbols of fangs on either shoulder. "His true calling is Shamanisim, but he's also a tactical mastermind."  
  
"Guilty as charged" the shaman shrugged, pulling back his hood. His face was young, maybe fifteen, with short, purple hair, a few scars, and deep, purple eyes. He gave a smirk, revealing a....fang? "My name's Kozo."  
  
"Well met, sir Kozo" Eliwood extended his hand towards the Tactician.  
  
Kozo gave him half a glare. "…This is the prissy-boy noble you were telling me about, Lowen?" he turned to the knight.  
  
"Umm…I didn't…" Lowen gulped, as Marcus glowered over him.  
  
"Did you dare to name our great Lord Eliwood a pansy?" Marcus shouted, as Lowen cowered.  
  
"No, sir, that wasn't what I called him! I mean…" Lowen gulped.  
  
--THWACK--  
  
"WAAAAH!"  
  
Thankfully, the formerly avoided tree intercepted Lowen, keeping him from going far.  
  
"Now then, if we're going to do this, let's lay some ground rules" Kozo growled. "What I say goes. If you've got a problem with it, keep in mind **I** am the tactician. Understood?"  
  
Eliwood growled. "Now just wait a minute, you're not allowed to…"  
  
Kozo raised his middle finger, a small black energy ball floating around it. "What was that, pansy-boy?"  
  
Eliwood gulped, his courage fleeing him. "N-nothing!" he stuttered.  
  
"Excellent. Obviously we have to move fairly fast, to keep the bandits from totally destroying the village…" Kozo thought for a moment. "And with our numbers, it might be a bit tricky…"  
  
"Well, you're the brilliant tactician!" Eliwood shouted. "You have to come up with something!"  
  
"Yes, and I say we wait" Kozo answered.  
  
"We do what now?" everyone did a double-take.  
  
"We wait. Any moment now the odds should be evened up…" he pointed to a few small houses near them.  
  
Before anything happened, however, a group of bandits jumped out of the woods. Lowen quickly remounted on his horse and began to chop them up with his sword, and Marcus rode alongside of him.  
  
A couple minutes later, two bulky warriors emerged. One had brown hair and a steel headband, and a blue sleeveless shirt. The other was familiar, it was Dorcas.  
  
"Look, Dorcas! It is just like that Knight said! It is Lord Eliwood!" the new warrior pointed towards the group.  
  
"So it seems" Dorcas muttered.  
  
"What is he up to? He must be fighting those bandits! That is a right lordily thing to do, is not it, Dorcas? Should not we go help?"  
  
"No. We're here for spices. Now let's just..."  
  
"Come on! Let's gooooo!" Bartre screamed, rushing into the battle.  
  
"...Three...blocks..." Dorcas groaned, before trudging into the field, axe held limply.  
  
"Alright, time to advance!" Kozo gave the order. Marcus and Lowen rode ahead, Rebecca close behind, just in case bad guys decided to attack from behind the horsemen. Of course, what she wasn't expecting was a bandit to attack from behind HER. He raised his axe to strike, and...  
  
"HEY!" Eliwood shouted, swinging his sword to stab the bandit in the back, killing him.  
  
"Thank you!" Rebecca cheered.  
  
"No problem" Eliwood grinned cheesily, a lens flare reflecting off of his teeth.  
  
--Ting--  
  
"Oh no!" some of the bandits cried.  
  
"It's a cheesy hero figure!" another cried.  
  
"He'll beat us all! Retreat!" the bandits shouted, scattering wildly about.  
  
"Well met, Lord Eliwood!" Dorcas cried over.  
  
"Hey! I know you!" Eliwood pointed. "You were that bulky warrior dude that was with Lyn and the others!" he stuttered out intelligently.  
  
"Yes" Dorcas nodded simply.  
  
"Wow, so, you two know each other?" Bartre gasped. "Wow! I never thought that the great Dorcas would have connections so high up as lords!"  
  
"Shut up" Dorcas whapped him on the back of the head, shutting him up. "This is my…'apprentice'...Bartre"  
  
"That's Bartre the Brave!"  
  
--Whack--  
  
"Whaaaat?" Bartre whined.  
  
"Told you" Kozo muttered. "Now, if you don't mind, only the leader is left" he pointed to the single house remaining.  
  
"I'll take him" Eliwood puffed up his chest importantly, giving another cheesy grin.  
  
"Are you sure we should let him?" Rebecca asked.  
  
Kozo nodded. "He's a pansy, but he needs the experience"  
  
"…Right"  
  
Eliwood walked up to the bandit. "Hello"  
  
"Ha! You think you can defeat me? I am the Great Groznyi!"  
  
"Oh! You mean like a magician! Oh my god! That's so cool!" Eliwood sat down. "Can you show me a trick!"  
  
"You idiot! I'm a bandit!" Groznyi growled. "I'll chop off your puffed-up noble head! You can't defeat me!" he lunged for Eliwood.  
  
"You cannot defeat me!" Eliwood stood up and drew his rapier. "For I have…"  
  
He stabbed the bandit chief straight through the chest.  
  
"…The Poke Of Zorro!" he announced loudly.  
  
"Nooooo!" Groznyi screamed as he fell, dead.  
  
A moment later, people were coming out of their houses, to see Eliwood and the other 'heroes'. The magistrate stepped up to them.  
  
"Many many many thanks! Seriously! We're all indebted to you! Anything you need! Money, food, women…" he blabbered.  
  
Lowen's eyes shone with dollar signs again, under his bangs. Bartre was drooling.  
  
"No thank you!" Eliwood proudly announced. "We're fine, it's all in a day's work and…"  
  
--Whack--  
  
Kozo hit him over the back of the head with his fist.  
  
"You really, truly are an idiot" Kozo growled.  
  
"Well, what? It's a lord's duty to protect his people!" Eliwood responded.  
  
"If only that were true…" the magistrate muttered. "Lord Darin, the Marquess of Laus, is too busy preparing for war…"  
  
"War?" Eliwood blinked. Rebecca shuddered a tad behind him.  
  
"Yes. My brother used to be in Laus, until he ran away for fear of being drafted."  
  
"How unusual" Eliwood shrugged. Marcus tapped him on the shoulder.  
  
"My Lord Eliwood, I…well…don't you think it's strange that your father disappears just as we discover this? Suppose they're connected?"  
  
"Ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Eliwood laughed uncontrollably. "You think that pops disappearing is related to a war? Marcus, you're so silly!"  
  
Everybody was glaring at him, except for Kozo, who was too busy shaking his head, sighing.  
  
"…What?" Eliwood asked. "Well, we should be off…" he smiled. "Fare well, fair people!"  
  
"Wait, we're coming too!" Bartre cried out, as they began to leave.  
  
"No we're not" Dorcas quickly corrected him.  
  
"Yes we are!" Bartre shouted. "Wait for us!" he ran after them.  
  
Dorcas groaned. "Three blocks..." He slowly trudged to meet up with the others.  
  
As they arrived, Eliwood told Marcus to stay put, and he returned to where Kozo was still standing, alone.  
  
"Thank you for your guidance, Kozo" Eliwood extended his hand again.  
  
"Don't mention it" Kozo hissed.  
  
"No, I must insist on thanking you, you were so nice to all of--Gack!"  
  
Kozo had one hand at Eliwood's throat. "I SAID DON'T MENTION IT!" he snapped at Eliwood, and he could see fangs in the teen's mouth. Eliwood nodded quickly, and Kozo released him.  
  
"But what are you going to do now?" Eliwood asked.  
  
"Me? No clue" Kozo shrugged.  
  
"Well, why don't you travel with me?" Eliwood asked.  
  
"…With you, pansy-boy?" Kozo blinked. "Why would I?"  
  
"We're just meager travelers, but we're out to try and find my father…won't you help us?" Eliwood asked.  
  
"…Fine, don't got much else better to do…" Kozo shrugged, keeping his real reasoning secret. "But don't except many niceties, pansy-boy"  
  
"Alright…glad to have you aboard" Eliwood sighed, leading him off. "But…can you call me something other than pansy-boy?"  
  
"Okay, fine, Corny McCheese" Kozo shrugged.  
  
"…Go back to pansy-boy"  
  
"As you wish, pansy-boy" Kozo muttered.

* * *

"Comeon, father, let me go!" Rebecca shouted.  
  
"No! I forbid it!" the magistrate growled.  
  
"But I have to go with Lord Eliwood! And especially that cutie Lowen!" she shouted, and then immediately blushed.  
  
"…Is that why?" he put his hands on his hips. "Rebecca, I refuse to have you running off just because of some green-haired eyeless knight on horseback and…"  
  
Rebecca was gone.  
  
"…Rebecca? Oh, I give up!"

* * *

Yoshimo wiped his brow. "Okay, that should do it." He put his toolbox away, and ahemed, as Chibi-Zell and Bartre entered. "Alright, everyone, it's that time of the show where we turn to _The Wheel of Morality_!"  
  
"Remind me again why we agreed to do this?" Chibi-Zell mutterd.  
  
"Because we needed an answer to the Wheel of Randomosity" Yoshimo answered.  
  
"You just know that they'll be demanding less of this and more of the other" Bartre informed.  
  
"Wow. He actually brought up a good point" Chibi-Zell pointed out.  
  
"Right then" Yoshimo continued. "Bartre, if you'd do us the honours, please spin the wheel."  
  
Bartre gripped the wheel, and spun it with all his might. The wheel spinned around furiously.  
  
"Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn" Yoshimo sang.  
  
The wheel finally started to slow down, before coming to a complete stop.  
  
"Moral Number 3" Yoshimo stated, as a piece of paper printed out from the printer near the wheel. "And the moral of today's story is..." Yoshimo took the paper, and read it. "_Buy two packs of hotdogs and three packs of buns, and you've got a dog per bun. Now stop asking_."  
  
"The answer to life's hardest question..." Bartre observed.  
  
"That's what it all comes down to in the end" Chibi-Zell shrugged.  
  
"Right, so until next time" Yoshimo gave his farewell address, "remember that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. ...Whatever the hell that means..." 


	19. Chapter Twelve: Birds of a Feather

**Fire Emblem 7, The Parody  
  
Chapter 12: Birds of a Feather**  
  
After speaking to the village magistrate, Eliwood and Co. set their sights on Laus. The road from Pherae to Laus cuts through Santaruz. Eliwood suspects that his missing father may have passed through here en route to Ostia.  
  
In reality, he actually skipped Santaruz entirely and straight towards Laus, but our heroes don't need to know that.  
  
"Don't need to know what now?" Bartre asked.  
  
Damnit, Bartre! Get out of the narrator's room!  
  
"I go where I like. I'm not on for another five minutes, at least."  
  
Out, out, out, out, out!  
  
"Geez, I'm going..."  
  
That's more like it. Now, ahem. Our heroes plan to schedule a meeting with the ruling lord of Santaruz to learn all they can. As if that's going to help them any. Ha.  
  
"Why must you be so cynical?"  
  
DAMN IT, BARTRE!

* * *

We find ourselves at Castle Santaruz, where a meeting is present between the ruling marquess, Helman, and a mysterious man, cloaked in all purple, his eyes shining out from under his hood.  
  
"What?" Helman asked. "Eliwood is here?"  
  
"Yes" the cloaked man sneered. "He has set up camp on a hill south of here. He seeks permission to enter Santaruz, and have a meeting with you."  
  
"Well, let him come, let him come! I haven't seen that boy in ages! And his father's a good man, and he always listens to my stories instead of totally ignoring me. Like the time in '92, when I was...."  
  
The cloaked man was busy staring out the window.  
  
"Are you even paying attention?"  
  
"Well I...guess that answers my question...What if he comes to ask about his father? What should I tell him?"  
  
"Tell him you know nothing, and send him on his way. It's a believable tale."  
  
"How so?"  
  
"You didn't even cule in that that was an insult. He'll obviously buy it."  
  
"But...Eliwood's been like a second son to me. I can't look him in the eye and lie to him."  
  
"Well then, we'll just have to chase him away. Don't have to speak with him, don't have to lie to him."  
  
"Are you suggesting we harm Eliwood and his party!?"  
  
"Not harm. Frighten. One smack or two and he'll run on home. Even you can't deny that he's a pansy boy."  
  
"But still..."  
  
The cloaked man was back to staring at the window.  
  
"...Why does no one EVER listen to me?"

* * *

Marcus, Eliwood and Kozo gathered to meet for a quick planning process. "If we go into Laus with this meager force" Kozo pointed out, "and we have to do battle, we'll be slaughtered. We should meet with the Marquess Santaruz, with any luck he'll be willing to help."  
  
"An excellent idea, sir Kozo" Marcus grinned. "I see your company will be most helpful."  
  
"You suspected any different, you ancient skeleton?" he glared at Marcus, as Lowen was approaching the group to hear what they were up to.  
  
"Now hold on, that was uncalled for, shrimp!" Marcus commanded, like the paladin he was. "We may be under your command, but that's no reason for you to degrade us!"  
  
"This is a land of free speech, you decrepit old..." Kozo began.  
  
"How dare you insult sir Marcus!" Lowen trotted up next to Marcus (Okay, so it was his horse who trotted next to Marcus, not Lowen, because that would be just silly, because Lowen can't trot, and... I'll shut up).  
  
"Who asked your opinion anyway, you green-haired eyeless trainee?" Kozo glared.  
  
"Oh, now you're asking for it" Lowen raised his sword.  
  
Eliwood gulped, then finally spoke up to change the subject. "Marquess Santaruz has been like a second father to me. I'm sure he'd leap at the chance to help us."  
  
"I was hoping you'd say something like that, pansy-boy" Kozo diverted his attention from Marcus and Lowen, ducking under Lowen's off-center swing, throwing the knight off balance. He fell off of his horse and onto the ground.  
  
Suddenly, there was a shuffling of feet. Marcus's ears perked. "Everyone, on your guard. Someone approaches."  
  
Eliwood held onto his Rapier. Lowen got up, and held up his sword. Kozo sighed, and brushed some of his hair back. A finely dressed, plump man approached them. He shifted his weight onto his cane, and he placed the back of his hand on his forehead melodramatically. "Alms!" he said in a depressed manner. "Alms for the poor!"  
  
The four just stared.  
  
"Damnit, Zagan, you suck at costumes!" shouted a wiry swordsman from the bushes.  
  
"Oh yeah, Kyle? Let's see you do better!"  
  
The swordsman turned his back to them all, before facing them again, scraggily and pale. "Alms..." he wheezed. "Alms for the poor..."  
  
"You know, that's got to be one of the most pathetic thing I've ever seen" Kozo informed them, shaking his head.  
  
"Ah crap" the well dressed man sighed, before ripping off his disguise, revealing your classic highwayman's outfit. "Alright, we'll just do it the old fashioned way. Someone wants the boy dead, and we're going to do it!"  
  
"Which boy?" Kozo pointed to Eliwood. "Me or pansy-boy here?"  
  
"...I don't know."  
  
"So what are you going to do?" Eliwood asked.  
  
"...Kill you both, I suppose" the bandit laughed.  
  
"Oh, for God's sakes..." Kozo shook his head.  
  
Zagan retreated a few yards. "Alright boys! Come out and earn your keep!"  
  
Swarming all over the place were axemen, swordsmen, and bowmen. Eliwood, Marcus and Kozo scanned the area.  
  
"Ah crap" Eliwood muttered.  
  
"This might be a challenge" Marcus said under his breath.  
  
"...Is that all?" Kozo asked, cocking an eyebrow.  
  
"What are your orders, sir?" Marcus asked, as he mounted his horse.  
  
"Just stand your ground" Kozo informed. "In a few minutes, we'll be getting some back up to help even the odds. And then we can start wading through these two bit morons."  
  
"...Are you sure?" Marcus asked. "If we wait any longer..."  
  
"I was right last time, wasn't I? I'm the tactician here, and if you don't like my ideas, you can always leave, you..." Kozo began, shaking his finger menacingly at Marcus.  
  
Eliwood quickly interrupted. "Alright, everyone! Come on out and let's rumble!"  
  
Rebecca, Dorcas and Bartre approached, and got ready for combat. Lowen remounted his horse, and readied himself next to Marcus. The enemy came closer. "Erm...when exactly did you say the help would arrive?" Marcus asked.  
  
"Just wait for it" Kozo said slyly.  
  
The enemy horde was almost upon them. "Kozo, I'd like some exacts" Eliwood whimpered. "When are they coming?"  
  
"Soon"  
  
The enemy readied their weapons. "Kozo!" Eliwood demanded.  
  
"Right about...now."  
  
On the opposite end of the battle field, a small group of four characters entered. Three we know, one we don't. These three were Hector, Matthew, and Serra. The fourth was a man with ruffled, brown hair, and armor like Marcus's. Only bulkier.  
  
"Looks like some commotion over there..." Hector muttered. He turned, and noticed a red armored spear man. "Excuse me, soldier, but why are you just standing there?"  
  
"It is none of your concern, lordling" the soldier said simply. "You hold no power here in Santaruz."  
  
"Well, that's a little different" Hector pointed out. "See, that guy they are attacking is my friend."  
  
"That still doesn't change anything. I've been ordered to stand still, and that's what I'm doing."  
  
"So..if I were to take an axe to you, you wouldn't do anything to stop me?"  
  
"Erm...I don't think so..."  
  
--THUNK--  
  
"Gack...." the solider fell over.  
  
Serra put on a disgusted face. "Eww! I hate violence!"  
  
"Says the girl who beat the crap out of five bandits on the way here" Matthew rolled his eyes.  
  
"Well, I hate bloody violence."  
  
"And you cracked open one of their skulls."  
  
"But I didn't like it."  
  
"And laughed."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
The knight shook his head. "I cannot condone to resorting to violence so quickly" he said sternly.  
  
"You can chastate me later, Oswin" Hector said sharply. "Right now, we've got to save Eliwood."  
  
"Save Eliwood, eh?" Oswin smirked. "Sounds like an excuse for more, obsessive violence."  
  
"Come off it, Oswin" Hector glared.  
  
"Alright, alright. I won't stop you from trying to save your boyfriend" Oswin laughed.  
  
"..." Hector raised his axe. "Oswin, I told you, we were both drunk that time..."  
  
Matthew and Serra stared.  
  
"...we beat up those bandits and saved you" Hector quickly finished. "He is not my boyfriend! Got it?"  
  
"I'm kidding. I'm a kidder" Oswin quickly put up his hands defensively.  
  
"Matthew, take Serra and get her to safety" Hector commanded.  
  
"Me!? Why not Oswin!? He can stand her!"  
  
"I **SAID**, _Matthew, take Serra and get her to safety_!"  
  
"Yes m'lord..." With that, Matthew and Serra took off.  
  
"Alright, Oswin, let's go!" Hector laughed, charging into the battle.  
  
"I'm coming as fast as I can, sir!" Oswin shouted from behind, trying to catch up in his oversized armor.  
  
"Okay, everyone, counter attack!" Kozo shouted.  
  
An axeman that had leapt at Dorcas was met with a whirling dervish of Dorcas's whirlwind attack, and sent flying away. Two axemen that were clinging onto Bartre were thrown aside as Bartre flexed. Those that still held on were shaken off with a few flaps of Bartre's arms.  
  
Marcus started swinging his sword left and right, as the enemy fell easily. Lowen drove his lance through several heads, and Rebecca was busy in a shoot out with several archers.  
  
Leaving Eliwood with a trio of swordsmen and the big bad boss man, Zagan. Two of the three decided to gang up at once on our young hero, but Eliwood nimbly dodged the attacks. He then drove his Rapier through their necks, and turned to face the third one, who made a retreat.  
  
Which didn't go so well because Oswin was there, spear ready. And put to good use, taking care of the swordsman.  
  
Eliwood raised his rapier, and and dashed towards Zagan. The bandit raised his axe to counter attack, but was too slow, as Eliwood's blade stabbed through his gut.  
  
At the same time, Hector leapt at Zagan, who had his back turned, and drove his axe down onto his head.  
  
"...Which way should I be bending?" Zagan asked, as the two forces drove him both ways.  
  
"Forward..." Hector ordered.  
  
"Backwards" Eliwood ordered.  
  
"...Backwards."  
  
"Forwards."  
  
"...Just stand up straight!" both ordered.  
  
"Got it." Zagan got into position, before falling over with a thud.  
  
Eliwood shook the blood off his rapier, before turning to notice his savior. He sheathed his sword, and approached the man, hand held forward. "Hector! Great to see you again!"  
  
Hector grinned, and grabbed Eliwood's hand in a bone shattering shake. "Likewise, old buddy old pal of mine!"  
  
Eliwood whimpered, making Hector let go. Eliwood craddled his broken hand bones, as he explained the situation. "See, we're on our way to Santaruz to speak with the Marquess, so we can get an escort to Laus, so we can ask about what happened to my father."  
  
"Is that all?" Hector laughed. "Then perhaps me and Oswin..."  
  
"Oswin and I" the knight corrected.  
  
Hector rolled his eyes. "Then perhaps Oswin and I can provide assistance. We've also got two other companions, so maybe they too can provide assistance."  
  
As if on cue, Matthew and Serra rushed in. Serra first, then Matthew, panting. Serra pouted. "Oh...we missed it all!" she whined.  
  
"I'm sorry, lord Hector..." Matthew panted. "I couldn't restrain her any longer..."  
  
"So I can see..." Hector muttered, before coughing. "Eliwood, meet Matthew and Serra."  
  
"Your companions, I take it?"  
  
"Yes. One might have hoped for better, but..."  
  
"What!?" Serra yelped. "Lord Hector, what a terrible thing to say!" She turned to face Matthew. "Did you hear what he just said about you!?"  
  
"Me!? He was talking about you!" Matthew responded.  
  
Hector ran a hand down his face. "The loud mouthed one is, surprisingly, a cleric."  
  
Serra turned to face Eliwood, and curtsied. "How do you do?"  
  
"And Matthew is a specialist in many trades that involve espionage and sneaking around."  
  
Matthew gave a deep, dramatic bow. "Your highness."  
  
"It's good to see you too" Eliwood smiled. "Anyway, it'd be great if you could all come. Our party numbers only a small amount, so any form of help counts."  
  
Kozo approached, to observe the new troops himself, when his eyes fell upon Matthew. "...It's you..." he hissed.  
  
"You!" Matthew responded, going for his sword. "What are you doing here!?"  
  
"I'm pansy-boy's tactician..." Kozo explained. "Now, I have a score to settle with you." Kozo pointed his finger at Matthew, like it was a gun, dark energy circling around the finger. Matthew gulped a bit, as Kozo gave him another look. Then the shaman sighed, and lowered his hand. "Ah...I couldn't harm a hair on that cute little head of yours."  
  
Matthew blinked. "Um...thanks...I think..."  
  
"You do realize he just flirted with you" Oswin pointed out.  
  
Matthew blinked. "...Huh? Oh...Oh. Oh! OH! ...Oh, give me a moment..." he stumbled off behind the bushes, clutching his stomach.  
  
"What's with him?" Hector asked.  
  
"The guy doesn't know how to take a compliment" Kozo huffed. "You go and call a guy cute, and the next thing you know, they turn yellow and run like a little..."  
  
Eliwood, Hector...heck, everybody stared at Kozo, before taking a few steps away.  
  
"...WHAT!?"  
  
"I never would have guessed..." Eliwood blinked.  
  
"Me neither" Marcus added in. "With a tongue like the one he's got, you'd swear he'd never give a damn about men. He's like a rotten stable hand."  
  
Kozo advanced. "Oh really, you failed excuse for a third rate paladin?"  
  
"What did you call me?" Marcus growled.  
  
"I said you're a no-good, worthless, ancient, scraggly, ugly, (censored) third rate paladin!" Kozo hissed. "And your skeleton of a horse isn't much to look at, either"  
  
"Huh, the little boy urchin's got a tongue as sharp as mine" Hector laughed, before he saw Kozo approaching, a twisted glint in the younger man's eye.  
  
"Wait, what are you doing?" Hector backed up a bit as Kozo approached even more. "No. Keep away from me!"  
  
Kozo, apparently, could move much faster than Hector could, because of his lack of armor. Quickly, he was right in front of Hector.  
  
"...If you try anything..." Hector growled.  
  
Kozo moved his head forward just a bit. Hector backed up nervously.  
  
Then Kozo slammed his forehead down upon Hector's with surprising strength, knocking the man back a foot or two.  
  
"Never call me that" Kozo hissed, before turning around and walking away from the group. "Now don't we have a marquess to see?"  
  
"...Right!" Eliwood quickly followed in step, while Matthew finally returned and helped Hector stand up straight again.  
  
_He's a strange one..._ Rebecca thought.  
  
_I seriously didn't expect that. Eliwood, maybe, but not Kozo..._ Marcus thought.  
  
_What is with him? Why was everybody so freaked out? I do not get it_ Bartre thought.  
  
_I can't believe he thinks I'm cute..._ Matthew thought. _This has got to be one of the worst, most twisted..._  
  
_I wonder what he's got against urchins. Sea urchins, maybe. Mmm...sea urchins...seafood...What's for dinner?_ Hector thought.  
  
_If only this group was as easy on the eyes as Matthew..._ Kozo thought, and he let out a strangled sigh. _Damnit, if he's gonna be the only cute guy in this group of ugly runts, I'm so out of here._

* * *

"It's that time again!" Yoshimo beamed.  
  
"Wait, you don't mean..." Chibi-Zell asked.  
  
"That's right! It's time we now turn to the _Wheel of Morality_!" Yoshimo gripped the wheel, and gave it a spin. "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn."  
  
The wheel came to a stop. "Moral Number 5. And the moral of today's story is...._George is not a pet name, it is a way of life_."  
  
"How profound..." Bartre muttered.  
  
"Truely a saying for the ages" Chibi-Zell rolled his eyes.  
  
"Right, so, until next time" Yoshimo addressed, "remember that a bitch in time, saves nine." Yoshimo blinked, before staring at the cue card. "I'm sorry. A **sitch** in time, saves nine." 


	20. Chapter Thirteen: In Search of Truth

**Fire Emblem 7, the Parody  
  
Chapter 13: In Search of Truth**  
  
Eliwood and company entered Santaruz, only to be attacked by a strange crew. In a desperate moment, they were saved by Eliwood's childhood friend, Hector. Gee, and I thought Eliwood was supposed to be the cheesy action hero.  
  
"What's so cheesy about rescuing an old friend?" Hector asked.  
  
The fact that you did it in the heat of the moment. Anyway, the leader of the strange crew reveals that a mysterious group wants Eliwood dead. Eliwood cannot help but feel that this group is somehow connected to his father's disapperance. In search of more clues on his father's whereabouts, he heads to Castle Santaruz, to speak with Lord Helman, the Marquess.

* * *

The purple cloaked man approached the old marquess. "Lord Helman" he said with a short bow.  
  
"Master Ephidel!" Helman yelped, dropping his issue of Juggs, eyes wide. "Erm...what, uh...what brings you here?" He kicked the magazine away.  
  
"You look nervous, Lord Helman. Is something the matter?"  
  
"Well, as a matter of fact, there IS!" Lord Helman stormed over to Ephidel, and gave him the nagging finger. "You said you were only going to frighten Eliwood! Your men almost KILLED him! I've had it up to HERE with you now! When Eliwood gets here, I'm going to tell him all about you and his father."  
  
"We never did anything!" Ephidel defended.  
  
"No...I mean about your group holding his father hostage."  
  
"Oh...ehe...yeah." Ephidel shook his head, before regaining composure. "I knew what you meant. ahem So, you're going traitor on us now?"  
  
"I'm sorry, but I can't lie to Eliwood when he gets here..."  
  
"I'm sorry you had to say that."  
  
"What are you..."  
  
--WHUMP--  
  
"WHAA!" Helman doubled over.  
  
"Looks like we'll have to go on with one less stooge." With that, Ephidel blinked out of the room.  
  
"... ... ...mommie" Helman squeaked.

* * *

"We're almost at the Castle" Hector grinned. "Soon we'll find out what the hell is going on."  
  
"Say, why's that knight coming our way?" Eliwood asked. "And why is he wearing an ominous symbol on his chest? And why is freaky, enemy music playing--ah shit."  
  
The knight was wearing a black suit of armor, and had a bald head, with a green beard. "Oy, laddie" he sneered. "In order to speak to Marquess Santaruz, you're going to have to get through me!"  
  
"Um...why?"  
  
"Because I'm the chapter boss, and what I say goes! Now shut up in get into position!"  
  
"Marcus, cut his head off."  
  
"I SAID GET INTO POSITION!"  
  
"On second thought, get into position..."  
  
"Good boy."

* * *

I swear to God, there must be a Weasel Bandit Breeding Ground or something. Because yet ANOTHER one glared up at a young man, with a long, green ponytail, a blue nomad's outfit, and a blue head band. "Hey, you!" he barked. "The new guy! What's your name again?"  
  
"Guy" the teen answered.  
  
"Really? Whoa. What would've happened if you were a girl...erm, never mind. Get out there and start lobbing heads!"  
  
"Alright, alright, I'm going!" Guy sighed, as the weasel bandit left. "'course, the smartest thing I could've done was to not have even gotten involved with this ugly crew."  
  
"Who are you callin' ugly!?"  
  
"Nothing!" Guy gave a fake grin, before turning his back on the weasel bandit, growling. _Mental note: Never have a soliloquy. There's always someone listening to you. Now, where was I...ah yeah. Well, I had to take this job. I need the money. I'm not going to degrade myself anymore by begging like a poor old sod. If it weren't for that guy...what was his name...Matthew...if it weren't for him, I would've starved to death on those streets._  
  
"How much longer are you going to be staring at your feet!?" the weasel bandit demanded. "Let's GO!"  
  
"Alright, alright! Geez..."

* * *

"Well, looks like we're in for another pointless battle" Lowen sighed, getting his weapons ready.  
  
Hector walked over to Kozo, and held forward a small, jeweled pendant. "You might want this" he pointed out.  
  
Kozo stared. "And it's a....?"  
  
"It's something we give all our tacticions in Ostia" Hector explained. "It will give you a birds eye view of the area, also allowing you to zoom in and out of certain locations.  
  
"Oh really?" Kozo smirked evilly, and raised the pendant. It started shimering, and soon, Kozo could see from the clouds, down on the group. He zoomed in on a certain location.  
  
"Hey Matthew" he requested, "would it kill you to undo the rest of that belt? I can **almost** see the inside."  
  
"Eep!" Matthew squeaked, before tightening the belt, securing his pants on tight.  
  
"Oh, you're no fun" Kozo pouted. He then continued scouting the air, before his jaw dropped.  
  
"Hey, Kozo, something wrong?" Eliwood asked.  
  
"I was just hit by a hot flash" Kozo explained.  
  
"Knowing you, that can't be good" Hector muttered.  
  
"Long, green hair, kept in a ponytail, cool, nomadic outfit..." Kozo muttered. "He looks dreamable."  
  
"Every day, you scare me more and more" Rebecca muttered.  
  
"That sounds like Guy..." Matthew muttered. "Hey, chief, I think I know that guy you're talking about. Just let me speak with him, and he might join our side."  
  
"Kozo shoots for a double, he scores!" Kozo cheered. "Get to it!"  
  
Matthew nodded, and leapt into the bushes, to sneak towards the nomadic swordsman.  
  
"Okay" Kozo continued, getting back on topic. "We'll need someone to go over to the west. There should be something for us in the village there. The rest of us will go south, taking on the enemy. Everybody got that?"  
  
"Got it" the majority nodded. Bartre, however, was preoccupied with something shiney in the dirt.  
  
Dorcas looked down on his apprentice. "I might regret this, but just what is that you're looking at?"  
  
Bartre grinned, and picked up the item. It was a small, nickel pendant. "Shiney round pendant-y thing." He noticed the nearby river, and walked over to skip his new toy.  
  
Dorcas flinched. "That's mine!" he shouted. "It's a pendant containing a picture of my dear Natalie! It's what keeps me going!"  
  
Bartre flicked it. It skipped the water twice before being sucked under, and sweapt away. "Not good fer skipin" Bartre shook his head.  
  
"Why you little..." Dorcas roared, before grabbing Bartre by the neck and strangling him.  
  
Marcus just sighed, and urged his horse towards the village that Kozo pointed out. Well, up until the river, anyway. "...Kozo..."  
  
"Oh yeah. Forgot to mention there's no bridge. You'll have to improvise."  
  
"Well, isn't that just beautiful?" The veteran knight shook his head, before pulling out a highly sharp edged axe. He then looked around, and saw what he was looking for: An old tree, not more than a few yards from his position. Aiming carefully, he threw the axe with all his might, it cutting through the tree perfectly. In fact, the tree hovered for a bit, before falling to its stump, and then over, making a natural bridge.  
  
The axe flew back into Marcus's hand, the paladin smirking. Eliwood, Hector and Oswin all raised up a piece of cardboard paper reading "10". Serra looked over at Kozo. "Well...?"  
  
"I don't care. I still say he's a no-good, worthless, ancient, scraggly, ugly, (censored) third rate paladin" Kozo shook his head.  
  
"Well, you're not nice!"  
  
"And don't get me started about you."  
  
"Fine. Fine. If that's the way you're going to be, I'll just go talk to He--"  
  
Hector bolted off to find the enemy.  
  
"...Low--"  
  
So did Lowen.  
  
"...Eli--"  
  
And Eliwood. And heck, everyone else.  
  
"...Well, I guess I'm stuck with you."  
  
"...(censored)"

* * *

Matthew leapt through the trees stealthly, making sure the enemy couldn't hear him or see him.  
  
"Ow! Damn it! Stupid thorns!"  
  
--SMACK--  
  
"Argh! Damn branches!"  
  
Was he lucky the battle was starting when he ran into turbulance.  
  
"Well, at least I'm almost in the cle--"  
  
--WHACK--  
  
Matthew jumped straight into a tree, and slid slowly down, scraping some of the bark off as well. "...Kozo" he mumbled. "I know you can see me and hear me. So next time, could you PLEASE warn me before I run into something?"  
  
"You got it, cutie!"  
  
"And don't call me cutie!"  
  
"Okay, hot stuff."  
  
"...Go back to cutie."  
  
"Righto, cutie!"  
  
Matthew sighed, and continued tree hopping.  
  
--THWACK--  
  
"...Kozo..."  
  
"I wasn't preoccupied trying to look down Guy's shirt, I swear!"  
  
"...No comment. How close am I to Guy?"  
  
"Hopefully, not too close."  
  
"Come again?"  
  
"I mean...um...look for yourself, why don't you?"  
  
Matthew poked his head out of the bushes, yelped, and ducked back into hiding. Arrows plugged into the trees around him. "YOU KNEW THERE WERE ARCHERS OUT THERE, DIDN'T YOU!?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Then why'd you make me look!?"  
  
"Because I like toying with my prey."  
  
"My what?"  
  
"Nothing you should concern yourself with, cutie."  
  
"Grr..." Matthew shook his head, and kept going.

* * *

Meanwhile, Marcus trotted his horse through the village. He looked from shop to shop, trying to find out exactly what Kozo wanted him to notice.  
  
"The bake sale?" He guessed, looking over at the bake sale in the middle of the town.  
  
"Nu-uh" Kozo said via his newly aquired omnipotent powers (aren't all tacticians just the evilliest little power gamers?).  
  
"..The fire at 4th and Main?"  
  
"Let 'em fry."  
  
"The creepy old man who's packing things up in a frenzy, dropping somewhat priceless knick-knacks?"  
  
"Regretably, yes..."  
  
"What so important about him?"  
  
"We need to just see him run off to unlock the sub chapter."  
  
"Okay...um...why?"  
  
"Don't ask me. Ask Intelligent Systems."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Oh, never mind, just do it."  
  
Marcus shrugged, before trotting over towards the old man, who wasn't really THAT old. He had long, blue hair, a receding hair line, thin, beady little moustache, thin, beady little eyes, a purple suit and a long, green cape.  
  
"Swords here, axes there...no, wait, that's the lances. Now, weapons of mass destruction here, hoping that Bush doesn't find them, and to insure protection, some whisky bottles in the guise of priceless war figurines..."  
  
"Excuse me, good sir..." Marcus started.  
  
"No time to talk. Busy, busy, busy! Must get packed up and out of town by 3:30."  
  
"It's 3:27. Now, sir..."  
  
"3:27!? I was sure I had 15 minutes!" With lightning speed in spite of his frail looking old body, the merchant assembled all his things, leapt into his caravan, and urged his horses onward. And even they moved surprisingly fast.  
  
"..Erm...Should I go after him?"  
  
"No, but you might want to pick up what he dropped."  
  
"...The several spoons and dessert forks?"  
  
"No."  
  
"This big, black tome? ...Kinda heavy."  
  
"No, but get that anyway."  
  
"This perfume?"  
  
"Might as well bring it. I'd love to see Serra and Eliwood cat fight for it."  
  
"Hmm... this box of chocolates?"  
  
"Not that either, though it'd make a good gift for Matthew..."  
  
"...All that leaves is...this pile of wood. You don't suppose is caravan his falling apart, do you?"  
  
"They're torches, you idiot."  
  
"Oh. Well, that makes more sense."  
  
"Okay, your job is done. Now report back."  
  
"Right. Mind if I just stay here for a while longer, though?"  
  
"Would you mind staying there forever?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Alright, fine."

* * *

"Sneak attaccccck!" Bartre screamed at the top of his lungs, leaping out at the enemy, pounding them to a pulp.  
  
"...You know what?" Dorcas asked, as he just tossed an enemy over his shoulder. "You REALLY suck at battle cries."  
  
"You think'd you'd do better at my dreaded sneak attack?" Bartre retorted.  
  
"I know he can do better..." Hector pointed out, pulling his axe out of an enemy knight's armor. "He's barely said anything for the whole trip."  
  
"I figure Serra and Bartre do enough talking for the whole team" Dorcas shrugged.  
  
"What are you suggesting?" Bartre snapped.  
  
As the three bickered amongst themselves, the young myramidon snuck into position. He unsheathed his Killer's Edge, smirking. "They'll never know what hit them" he muttered.  
  
--SNAP--  
  
"Whaaaa!"  
  
--WHACK--  
  
Matthew lay flat on his back. Guy lay flat on his stomach. Both were in pain. "...Kozo" Matthew muttered.  
  
"I can't tell if a branch is weak or not" Kozo laughed. He then smirked. "You two look really cute like that, ya know?"  
  
Both yelped, before leaping off each other. "Wait a sec..." Guy muttered. "Matthew?"  
  
"That's me!" Matthew grinned. "Good to see you again."  
  
"Yeah. I haven't seen you since you loaned me that food."  
  
"It's a shame that we're on opposite sides here, isn't it?"  
  
"Ah well" Guy shrugged, shifting to a fighting stance.  
  
Matthew thought a bit, before snapping his fingers. "Wait a minute, if I remember correctly, you promised me a favour for every piece of meat I gave you."  
  
"You can't prove that!" Guy protested.  
  
"I got the contract, right here" Matthew smirked, pulling out the contract, and pointing to Guy's signature.  
  
"...SON of a..."  
  
"And I think I'll use one of my five right now" Matthew grinned evilly. "Join the party."  
  
"You can't make me!"  
  
"A man of Sacae must keep his word."  
  
"...YOU SUCK! I just got this job, and now you're making me give it up!"  
  
"I've got a job you could do, sweetie" Kozo taunted.  
  
"..." Guy and Matthew's faces paled.  
  
"What? I was just going to ask him to wash my robes. Perverts..."  
  
"Matthew?"  
  
"Yes Guy?"  
  
"Is God hitting on me?"  
  
"God, huh? I've been called many things, but God...that's a new one. You can call me that from now on, sweetie."  
  
"Oh God..."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"...I wasn't talking to you."  
  
"Could've sworn you were."  
  
"And could you PLEASE get out of my head?"

* * *

"Okay, so, we've cleared out all the enemies..." Eliwood looked over the checklist, "as well as the reinfrocements. We've got Guy on our side, and from what Kozo tells us, Marcus already took care of that thing in the village. So, all that's left is...taking care of the enemy leader."  
  
"And ye laddy pucks can ne'r do that!" the seemingly Scottish chapter boss laughed.  
  
"We'll see about that!" Hector laughed, charging at the enemy. He leapt, and came down. The knight raised his lance, the spear head going through Hector's cape. "H...hey! Let me go!"  
  
--Spin-- --Spin-- --Spin-- --Spin-- --FWING--  
  
--CRASH--  
  
"mmph...ow..."  
  
"I shall avenge you, Lord Hector!" Oswin declared, charging at the enemy. One...inch at a time. ...yeah.... "As...soon as I get there..."  
  
"Not...if...I...get..you...first!" the enemy growled, stamping towards Oswin at about the same speed.  
  
"I'll give them half an hour" Rebecca made her bet.  
  
"A day" Serra sighed.  
  
"A month" Kozo placed his vote in.  
  
When suddenly, out of no where, an ash covered Marcus soared into the battle field, before his horse landed, and charged with a mad speed towards the enemy knight. What could be noted, if your eyes were quick enough, is that Marcus had a sack that was almost bulging on his back.  
  
The paladin pulled out a sword, spun it between his two fingers, before driving it through the knight, slicing the knight's upper armor in twain.  
  
Rebecca followed up, pulling out an arrow, and fired at the now exposed body. The arrow tore through the eye, making him half blind.  
  
Marcus's horse skidded to a halt, before turning at a 180 degree, and coming in for another strike, this time with a lance. Spining the lance between his hands without even looking at where it was going, Marcus brought it out just in time to drive home, puncturing the knight's chest.  
  
Again, Eliwood, Hector and Oswin held up their signs, a perfect 10 each.  
  
"Could've done that ten times better" Kozo sneered. "If I had a horse. ...And a lance."  
  
Marcus pointed his nose upwards. "Bah. A shaman like you could never master the lance like a Pheraen Knight."  
  
"Sure I couldn't" Kozo growled.  
  
"What took you so long, Marcus?" Eliwood asked.  
  
"Well, I was over at the village, where there was a merchant who dropped several things. Let's see..." He pulled out a perfume bottle. "One of them being this..."  
  
"Mine!" Serra shouted, jumping up and snatching the perfume bottle, before rushing off before anyone could protest.  
  
"I was half expecting Eliwood to chase after her, but...hey, where'd he go?" Kozo asked.  
  
"He remembered the last thing on the checklist: See Maquess Santaruz" Hector explained.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I mean really sure?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Just asking."  
  
Marcus continued, searching his bag, before pulling out a small box of chocolates. He handed it to Matthew. "Kozo asked me to give this to you."  
  
"No! I didn't tell you to..." Kozo protested.  
  
"Chocolates!?" Matthew stared at the contents. Normally, he'd be flattered, and quite happy to recieve such a delictible treat, but seeing as who it came from..."I'd like you to have it" he said, shoving it to Guy.  
  
"NO! No..that's fine, keep it!" the nomadic swordsman tried to get away.  
  
"Can't waste a perfectly good favour on this..." Matthew moaned. "Fine...I'll keep it. But I won't like it."  
  
"But I thought you loved chocolates more than anything. Well, except maybe..." Oswin pointed out.  
  
"I know..."  
  
Marcus then pulled the whole sack off. "While I was in the village, I also saved a burning building and attended a bake sale. I bought some more rations, and made 1000 gold."  
  
"Marcus..." Kozo muttered. "This might be the only time I say you did something good. What kind of things did you get?"  
  
"Some breads, white, rye and brown, some bagels, a few cinamon rolls, and some doughtnuts. Jelly, Plain Glazed, and Pure Chocolate."  
  
"...make that second. You got lucky."

* * *

"Lord Helman?" Eliwood called out, walking through the castle. "Lord Helman?"  
  
He soon found the old noble, keeled over in the throne room. Eliwood gasped, and ran over to his side. "Lord Helman! What happened?"  
  
"Eliwood..." the marquess squeaked, more high pitched than usual. "Forgive me for what I have done..."  
  
"What are you talking about?" Eliwood asked, obviously ignoring Helman's new, weird voice.  
  
"I've done something terrible...go to marquess Laus. He knows all. And...beware the Black Fang..."  
  
"I will. ...Rest in peace, Lord Helman." With that, Eliwood got up, and left solemnly.  
  
"... ...Um...I'm still alive. Could someone get me a masseuse? Or some cream? ...Or some ice? ...He kicked really hard...anyone?"

* * *

"So, what'd he say?" Hector asked, as Eliwood came outside.  
  
"With his dying breath..."  
  
"I'm not dead!"  
  
"He said to go see Marquess Laus."  
  
"Uh-huh" Kozo nodded, who just arrived. "Anything else?"  
  
"Something about...Beware the Black Fang."  
  
Kozo just stared.  
  
"... ...Kozo? Kozo? Yooo-hoo, Kozo?" Lowen waved a hand in front of Kozo's face.  
  
He just kept staring, blankly.  
  
"Did something you say shock him?" Matthew asked.  
  
"Don't know why. Just mentioned the Black Fang" Eliwood shrugged. Matthew thought on this.  
  
Matthew walked over and tapped Kozo's on the skull. "I think it's going to take a good shock to get him back" he sighed, when the shaman didn't respond.  
  
Then a cruel grin crossed his face. "Oh Guy..."  
  
Guy blinked. "What?"  
  
Matthew walked over and whispered something in Guy's ear. The Sacaen jumped. "I WILL NOT! NO WAY, NO HOW!"  
  
"And what if I told you it would be one of your favours? After that you'd only have three left" Matthew smiled.  
  
"But... but..."  
  
"I'm ordering it, now do it" Matthew grinned madly.  
  
Guy flushed a bit. "Umm... oh, fine! But if he wakes up while I'm doing it, Matthew, I'm going to hurt you so bad..."  
  
Then, slowly, he walked over to the stunned tactician and kissed him on the lips.  
  
Kozo blinked quickly, and on reflex wrapped his arms around Guy's back, deepening the kiss.  
  
Guy quickly realised it, and pulled off, turning a harsh gaze on Matthew. "Don't say I didn't warn you..." he pulled out the Killing Edge.  
  
"...Meep?" Matthew jumped, running, Guy after him.  
  
"You back?" Eliwood asked.  
  
"Yep! Let's get going" Kozo smiled, blushing a bit.

* * *

"It's that time again!" Yoshimo beamed.  
  
"What, again?" Chibi-Zell groaned. "Who enjoys this kind of dirvel?"  
  
"Yay! Wheel of Morality!" Bartre cheered, clapping his hands, and bouncing on the balls of his feet.  
  
"Oh I give up...." Chibi-Zell sighed, before spinning the wheel.  
  
"Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn!" Yoshimo sang.  
  
The wheel soon came to a stop. "Moral Number 1. And the moral of today's story is...._Always try to invest in actual underwear. A paper bag is just gross_."  
  
"You could take a lesson from that, Bartre" Chibi-Zell smirked.  
  
"What are you suggesting!?" Bartre snapped.  
  
"Well then, till next time" Yoshimo addressed, "have a good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite. ...I'm serious about those bed bugs." 


	21. Chapter Thirteen Gaiden: The Peddler Mer...

**Fire Emblem 7: The Parody  
  
Chapter 13 Gaiden: The Peddler Merlinus**  
  
Following Lord Helman's pained words (it was later found out that he was not quite dead, although his chances for having kids were deader than before), the team set out for Laus. Night was falling fast, and soon they decided to set camp.  
  
...What do you mean you want more narroration!? This is all the information they gave me! I can't write the next Dicken's here, you know! Alright, fine.  
  
If you haven't noticed it yet, Yoshimo is a cheap, no good SOB, and don't get me started on Chibi-Zell.  
  
--WHOMP--Strangle--Thrash--BAM--Tinkle--SMASH--  
  
Due to some headcount reductions, a new narrorator was hired, his voice box replaced with that of the old narrorator's. Now, where were we...oh yeah! The chapter!

* * *

"It's getting dark" Eliwood muttered. "Marcus, you and Lowen set up camp."  
  
"Yes m'lord" Marcus bowed, before getting to work.  
  
Kozo sneered. "Does pansy boy sleep with a small fire next to his bed to keep the monsters away?" he teased.  
  
Eliwood glared. "You know, I'm braver than you think."  
  
"Oh really?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Kozo leaned forward, and wrapped an arm around the back of Eliwood's neck.  
  
"WHAAAAAA!" Eliwood screamed, running away from Kozo, arms flailing.  
  
Kozo was busting his gut. "RUN, pansy boy! Run!"  
  
"Camp is done, sir!" Lowen saluted.  
  
"...That fast?" Hector asked.  
  
"Yes. And dinner is ready. It's three-cheese alfredo, the sauce coming from the finest pastures in Sacae, and that's only the side dish..."  
  
"Good lord, man..." Hector gaped. He turned to face Marcus. "What'd you do to him?"  
  
"I just watched" Marcus shrugged. "Something made him work at lightning speed..."  
  
"Right. Okay, ya old fart, go and get pansy boy from up that tree there, and we can eat" Kozo instructed.

* * *

"So, this is Caelin, right?" Hector asked, as the team was busy chowing down on Lowen's finely made feast.  
  
"Mmm-hmm" Eliwood nodded. "And before you ask, we're only passing through. We're not going to bother Marquess Caelin. Although..."  
  
"Although?"  
  
"I would like to see how Lyndis and the others are doing."  
  
"Lyndis?"  
  
"You know, Lyndis?"  
  
"Lyn?"  
  
"Noble girl from Sacae that showed up last year?"  
  
"...The highly attractive one with the sword and the nomad dress?"  
  
"Oh yeah!"  
  
At the mention of what he just said, Eliwood blushed a bit, and prodded his food with his fork.  
  
"It's a shame we're just passing through" Hector chuckled.  
  
"Why's that?" Eliwood asked innocently.  
  
"You don't get a chance to see her, lover boy."  
  
"We're not that close!" Eliwood protested, blushing a bit more.  
  
"Then why are you getting all worked up over it?" Hector asked.  
  
Eliwood, eyes blazing stood up, and drew his rapier. "I'm warning you..." he growled.  
  
"AIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!" something screamed.  
  
Everyone looked about. "Wh...what was that?" Rebecca asked.  
  
"Sounds like someone's in trouble" Lowen muttered.  
  
"Well, I'm sure all of you want to save him" Kozo clucked his tongue, and stood up. "So we might as well. Let's go."  
  
The group nodded, and raced off to find the cause of the screaming.

* * *

"Can I just say something?" the same, blue haired man that we met in the last chapter requested.  
  
"Might as well" said a sleek, red headed bandit.  
  
"HEEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPP!" he screamed at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Stupid, loud old fool" another bandit growled. "He's had us running around in circles for far too long!"  
  
"What are you going to do with my merchandise?" the old man asked.  
  
"Look at all this stuff" the red head smirked. "This old fart's wealthy."  
  
"It's our lucky day then" the bandit laughed, "eh Puzon?"  
  
"Noo! Let go of that! That was my mother's! And that! That was my father's! And that belonged to my second cousin twice removed!"  
  
"Will you SHUT UP!?" the bandit screamed. He turned to face the red head. "Can we please kill him, Puzon?"  
  
Puzon smirked. "Might as well. No point in keeping him alive."  
  
"Noooo!" the old man screamed. "Not the knieves! Not the pointy knieves that burn with the fire of a thousand evils!"  
  
"Unhand him!" a solid voice boomed.  
  
The bandits turned to face the command, seeing it came from the flame-haired nobleman. He raced down to face them, Marcus and Hector on either side.  
  
"What the hell are you doing here?" Puzon growled.  
  
Eliwood puffed his chest, and drew his rapier, trying to look intimidating, and slightly failing. "By order of the son of Marquess Pheare, I command you to unhand him!"  
  
"Who are you, to think you can just strut around and tell people what to do!?" the red haired bandit barked.  
  
"I already told you. I am the son of Marquess Pheare. We get special rights to order people what to do."  
  
"As if I'd listen to any of your orders! You noble, prissy bastards make me sick! In fact, you're not worth spitting on, but I'm going to anyway just because I hate you!" --Spit--  
  
"You missed."  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"So you're itching for a fight, huh?" Hector asked, patting the blade of his axe against his palm. "Well then, let's wrestle."  
  
"Gladly" Puzon sneered, before retreating into the darkness, to hide his attacks.  
  
The old merchant rushed over, and grabbed onto Eliwood's cape. "Please! You just have to protect me! Maybe they'll give up after a while!"  
  
"Have no fear, old timer" Hector spoke for Eliwood. "We'll handle them easily."  
  
"I'm not OLD!" the merchant huffed. "I am only 47!"  
  
"Old, old, old, old, OLD!" Hector laughed.  
  
"He makes Marcus look my age!" Kozo added in, just to get in on the fun.  
  
"Ack!" Merlinus groaned, before focusing his attention on Eliwood again. "My name is Merlinus. And I say again, help. ...Please?"  
  
"And I say again, no problem. Geez, you must be senile or something."  
  
"...Just for that, I'm just going to sit here and watch, instead of helping you."  
  
"You were just going to sit there and watch in the first place, weren't you?"  
  
"...Yes."  
  
"Alright, let's go!"  
  
Kozo tapped the pendant Hector gave him, as it gave off a bright flash. He took a bird's eye view of the field, and...  
  
"...Hector, this thing doesn't see past fogs or darkness, does it?"  
  
"Um....no."  
  
"...Okay, you guys just wing it, I'm going to work on this piece of crap."  
  
"Well...alright." Hector turned to face the group. "YOU HEARD THE MAN!" he bellowed to his team mates. "JUST WING IT!"  
  
"We're standing right next to you!" Dorcas snapped. "You don't have to shout."  
  
"Ow..." Rebecca moaned.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
With that, the team made a defensive circle around Merlinus, Rebecca (who readied her arrow), and Kozo (who was poking at the pendant).  
  
Eliwood turned, after pulling his rapier out of an enemy bandit, when he noticed a swordsman coming towards Kozo. "Um, Kozo..."  
  
"I'm I little busy right now" Kozo said, not looking up from his work.  
  
"But...Kozo..."  
  
"I SAID I'm busy!" Kozo snapped.  
  
"But someone's almost on top of you!"  
  
Kozo turned, and noticed the swordsman. "...So he is." He looked back at his work, and raised his left hand. "Luna."  
  
--BOOM--  
  
The enemy swordsman blinked, his body charred, before falling to a heap.  
  
"Well, that worked" Eliwood shrugged.  
  
Suddenly a small rain of arrows flew over the human wall, and nearly punctured through Merlinus and Rebecca. Both screeched.  
  
"It's too dangerous for them to be here!" Marcus shouted. "Lowen! Take the girl and get out of here! Merlinus, you're with me."  
  
The merchant leapt onto the back of Marcus's horse, while Rebecca leapt onto Lowen's. The four rode off.  
  
"Right! Take a right!" Rebecca instructed. "Lake! There's a lake up ahead!"  
  
"I CAN SEE THE DAMN LAKE! Bloody backseat riders..."  
  
Back with the team, Bartre was tossing bad guys left and right. Usually into Dorcas, causing the more experienced fighter to turn and glare several times.  
  
Finally, Puzon and one of his little flunkies leapt out, weapons wielded and held high. Both were shouting. "YAAHHHHH!"  
  
--THUNK--  
  
Hector swung his axe out, imbedding itself in Puzon's chest. "Ack..." he choked, before falling limp.  
  
The flunkie shut up, but continued flying. When he landed, he took off, screaming. "AHHHHHH!"  
  
"And don't come back!" Hector shouted out.  
  
"YES!" Kozo beamed, holding up his pendant proudly. "It's fixed!"  
  
"Was it broken?" Bartre asked.  
  
"Why would Lord Hector give Kozo a faulty pendant?" Serra asked.  
  
"It just couldn't see past fogs or darkness. Did a little fine tuneing, and there you go." Kozo grinned.  
  
"...Think you can make a stop off at Ostia and do what you did to all of my pendants?"  
  
"Well, I'm not sure if you want the exacts of what I did...." Kozo turned to face Bartre. "And Bartre, didn't you listen to the Wheel of Morality yesterday?"  
  
"...Wait, so you made that pendant able to see through anything?" Hector asked.  
  
"Yep!" Kozo beamed.  
  
"..." Matthew and Guy tugged at their shirt collars.  
  
At this time, Marcus, Merlinus, Lowen and Rebecca had returned. "I see that you've been able to hold them off" Marcus nodded. "Excellent work, my lords."  
  
Merlinus leapt off the horse, and bowed before Eliwood and Hector. "Oh thank you so much for saving me!" he beamed. "I'm forever in your debt!"  
  
"Easy there, good sir" Eliwood smiled. "It was our duty to help those in need."  
  
"Besides, what use can an old fart like you do for us anyway?" Hector asked.  
  
"Hector!"  
  
"Sorry..."  
  
"I'm a merchant of sorts" Merlinus explained.  
  
"What use do we have of an old peddler's junk?" Hector interupted.  
  
"Peddler!? Junk!?" Merlinus fumed.  
  
"HECTOR!" Eliwood snapped.  
  
"Slip of the tongue" Hector shrugged innocently.  
  
"Forgive my friend here" Eliwood apologized for Hector. "He's a little...unorthadox for a noble."  
  
"That's fine..." Merlinus grumbled. "ahem. Anyhow, I'm very good at organizing equipment. Not to mention that I have several valuable pieces of equipment in my arsenal."  
  
"Hmm..." Eliwood scratched his chin, before grinning. "We're going to get more and more allies. And obviously more supplies. Having someone to organize them will be highly valuable."  
  
"Do we HAVE to bring him along?" Kozo asked. "He's...creepy..."  
  
"Creepy!?" Merlinus yelped.  
  
"Kozo!" Eliwood barked.  
  
"What!? I'm just saying..."  
  
"Matthew, Guy, do your thing" Hector nudged Matthew in the shoulder.  
  
The two sighed, before clapping their hands together, and giving the cutest puppy dog eyes. "Please?" they asked in a totally innocent voice.  
  
"Oh....fine." Kozo sighed. "I can't resist those darn puppy dog eyes."  
  
"Excellent." Hector rubbed his palms together. "Now, old timer..."  
  
"I suppose I'll just have to get used to that..." Merlinus muttered.  
  
"I've got a few things I want you to sort."  
  
"Sure, what?"  
  
Hector handed Merlinus a bag of musty socks, shirts, underwear and pants. "You might want to clean them as well."  
  
"I'm going to be sick..." Merlinus choked.

* * *

"Welcome to another episode of the Wheel of Randomosity!" Yoshimo cheered. Before muttering through clenched teeth "How the hell did this thing catch on?"  
  
"This time, spinning the wheel, is our very own moronic half...I mean, good half, of the tactician team, Cecil" Chibi-Zell introduced. "Also known by his other role, Roland Pegasus."  
  
Cecil walked in, waving. He approached one of the wheels, and spun it with all his might. This time, it DIDN'T go flying through the roof.  
  
"Wheel of Randomosity, whirl whirl whirl, give us a pairing and don't make us hurl" Cecil chanted.  
  
"That's my line!" Yoshimo snapped.  
  
The wheel slowed down, and came to a stop on a young woman with long, green hair, and a similar outfit to Florina. "And we've got Fiora!" Cecil reported.  
  
"Wow. The first girl ever on the Wheel of Randomosity" Yoshimo observed.  
  
"What about me?" Minoa huffed.  
  
"Well, you weren't on the wheel, per-say."  
  
Fiora stepped on to the stage, and straightened her uniform. "I'm ready" she nodded.  
  
"Alright, you heard the lady, Cece!" Yoshimo instructed. "Spin the second one!"  
  
"On it" Cecil nodded, grabbing the wheel, and spinning it 'round and 'round. The wheel started to slow down, before landing on everyone's favorite adolescent. "And we've got Nils!"  
  
The bard whooped, as he leapt onto the stage, clicking his heels. "Don't have to tell me twice!" he said, proudly, before leaping onto Fiora's chest, and planting a big wet one right on her lips.  
  
"Why you....!" Kent fumed, drawing his sword, and getting on to the stage. Nils whooped again, dropped off of Fiora, and bolted away, Kent in hot pursuit.  
  
Fiora was blushing, staring blankly in to space. Florina walked over to her, blinking innocently. "Sister? What is it?"  
  
"For a kid, that was one hell of a kiss..." Fiora said blankly.  
  
Kent and Nils froze in their tracks. "WHAT!?!" Kent shouted.  
  
Nils beamed, and gave a quick laugh. "Glad you liked it, toots!"  
  
Kent snapped his head around, fire in his eyes. "Okay, that's it!" The two continued to run around on the stage, Nils whooping every now and again.  
  
"Right. So, until next time, I'm Yoshimo..."  
  
"I'm Chibi-Zell..."  
  
"And I'm gonna KILL that little bastard!" Kent shouted, as Nils raced past the two authors, Kent only a few feet behind, sword raised menicingly. 


	22. Chapter Fourteen: False Friends

**Fire Emblem 7: The Parody  
  
Chapter 14: False Friends  
  
**Author's Note: Remember, in this chapter, watch for the I in Erik's name. It'll help you avoid confusion betweeen and Erk. Thank you.

* * *

"You know what?" Yoshimo asked. "Today's special, because we're going to do something a little differently. We're going to do the _Wheel of Morality_ before the chapter!"  
  
"Sounds completely pointless, but okay, what the hell" Chibi Zell shrugged.  
  
Yoshimo took hold of the wheel, and spun it around. "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn."  
  
The wheel, however, didn't stop spinning. Yoshimo blinked. "That's weird....maybe we should start the chapter anyway. We'll have your moral at the end, for sure."

* * *

The droll merchant, Merlinus, has joined Eliwood's party. The team now continues onward to Laus. The disappearance of Eliwood's father, the preparations for war, the attack on Marquess they all be linked to the power hungry marquess, Darin?  
  
Gee, ya think?  
  
In Eliwood's heart, the need for truth is drowned by fear. Fear of what this truth my be. Now isn't that a lovely circumstance?

* * *

A man with a stout face, short blue hair, and deep yellow armor nearly spazzed in his seat. "WHAT!? Marquess Pherae's son is here!?"  
  
"Yes, father" said a teen around Eliwood's age. He had short, dirty blonde hair, a boyish face, and red armor. "We've received word from our look outs. He's just beyond the hills."  
  
"Gee, this sounds sorta familiar" Ephidel muttered.  
  
"Lord Ephidel, what is the meaning of this?" Darin demanded.  
  
"Perhaps Eliwood was able to speak to Lord Helman" Ephidel hypothesized. "He might've gave away our secrets."  
  
"You can't be serious!"  
  
"Hmm...he couldn't have revealed much. That kick was hard, so I'm surprised he didn't pass out."  
  
"Alas!" Darin wailed. "Our plan for naught! It's all over!"  
  
"Hold on, sir" Ephidel waved his hand carelessly. "Even if he DID tell Eliwood everything, since Pherae no longer holds power, all he can do is talk to Marquess Ostia."  
  
"You say it with THAT tone!? If he speaks with Marquess Ostia, he'll have my gizzard on a silver platter with Ranch Dressing!"  
  
"But in order to get to Ostia, he has to get past us" Ephidel pointed out. "So if we intercepted him..."  
  
Darin had a complete change of mood. "Yes! We can shut him up as he passes through here!" He turned to face his soldiers near the throne room doors. "Call out the knights!" he ordered.  
  
"Call out the knights!" the soldiers echoed down the halls. This echo went on until a squadron of cavaliers, archers and knights stepped out of the castle gates.  
  
"Father, let me take care of this!" the youthful knight begged.  
  
"Oh? Tell me, Erik" Darin drummed his fingers on the arms of his throne, "you really think you can handle this?"  
  
"Of course. I used to go to school with Eliwood. Trusting little git. When he sees me, he'll lower his guard and kcccht." Erik dragged his hand across his neck to emphasis his point.  
  
"I see."  
  
"Lord Darin, are you sure we can entrust this to young Erik?"  
  
"He's my son. So he's got my fighting prowess."  
  
"But that's not possible. You're a General, and Erik's a Cavalier. So you're techniques are entirely different and..."  
  
"Erik, go out and bring me Marquess Pherae's little brat's head to me. On a silver platter. With Ranch Dressing. Mmm...Ranch."  
  
"Of course father, I shant fail you!" With that, Erik got up, and left to go encounter Eliwood.

* * *

Hector looked around. "Look at this place" he muttered.  
  
All around were soldiers get weapons from local blacksmiths, and even a cavalier listing off people who have been "volunteered" to join the army of Laus.  
  
"He really is preparing for war...what the hell is he planning?" Hector muttered.  
  
Eliwood just stared at all this, saddened.  
  
"Something wrong?" the blue haired noble asked.  
  
"If we go to the castle" Eliwood explained, "and learn the truth, we may have to go to war."  
  
"...So?" Hector asked.  
  
"I've...no love for war...If I concentrate on the foe before me, sure, I'll kick his sorry butt. But if I picture families...innocents who will be affected by our foolish politics? If I imagine that...I can only pray for ways to resolve things peacefully."  
  
"coughclichècough" Bartre coughed.  
  
--THAWK-- Dorcas smacked his fellow fighter upside the head.  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"Eliwood..." Hector started.  
  
"My lords!" Marcus caught their attention, as he and Lowen rode towards them.  
  
"A knight has ridden forth from the castle!" Lowen reported.  
  
"A lone knight?" Eliwood asked, eyebrow raised.  
  
"Yes. And it appears to be Marquess Laus's son" Marcus pointed out. "He caught up to us, and asked to see you."  
  
"Erik wishes to speak with us, hmm?" Eliwood asked to make sure he heard right.  
  
"Argh. Did they have to send THAT little prat, of all people?" Hector complained.  
  
"I'll speak with him" Eliwood nodded.  
  
"Fine. I'll just be over there."  
  
"Yay! Lord Hector's actually going to look my way and speak with me!"  
  
"...On second thought, I'll be over there..."  
  
"Damnit!"  
  
Lowen pulled out two flags, and started waving them in Erik's direction.  
  
"I almost forgot you went to Cub Scouts as well, Lowen" Eliwood beamed.  
  
"Thanks" the eyeless knight...  
  
"I do have eyes, you know."  
  
Oh really?  
  
"Yeah." Lowen put down his flags, and pulled back his hair, revealing two large, red, creepy eyes.  
  
OH MY GOD, MAN!  
  
"See why I grew my bangs out?" Lowen asked, removing his hand. "Anyways, I signaled Erik over. Of course, I added a little insult, but he shouldn't be able to figure that one out. He got a C Minus on the Flag Exam."  
  
Erik rode over, and turned to face Lowen. "Thank you. I did notice I lost weight."  
  
Lowen chuckled, as Erik went over to talk with Eliwood. Marcus rode over to Lowen, shaking his head. "Did you see that?" Lowen laughed. "He thought I was giving him a compliment."  
  
"You did" Marcus pointed out. "I do believe it was you who got that C Minus."  
  
"...Now that you mention it..."  
  
"Eliwood, it's been a while" Erik grinned, bringing his hand down to shake Eliwood's. However, he brought it down so quickly and at such an angle, he ended up karate chopping Eliwood's head. The red haired noble passed out. Erik grinned a mock grin. "Oops."  
  
Serra walked over to Eliwood, and tapped his skull with her staff. Eliwood slowly regained consciousness. "Gah...Erik...what do you want?" Eliwood asked.  
  
Erik blinked. "I just came out here to say hello and welcome you to Laus. We are nobles, you know. So..why are you in Laus? On your way to Ostia perhaps?"  
  
"And you assume that...why?" Eliwood asked.  
  
"Well, you're Hector's old buddy old pal, and I figured that if anyone, it'd be Ostia you turn to when you discover something terrible about Laus so that you can report this incident and...oops."  
  
"I knew it!" Hector shouted, rushing over. It took the combined forces of Oswin and Matthew to hold him back.  
  
"Eep! Hector! What are you..." Erik blubbered.  
  
"Doesn't matter!" Eliwood drew his rapier. "Why are you preparing for battle?"  
  
"Which one? The one with all of Lycia or just against you?"  
  
"What now?" Hector asked.  
  
From out of no where, a small army of Lausian soldiers swarmed out of the bushes.  
  
"Oh..." Hector started.  
  
"Drat!" Marcus finished.  
  
"...Actually, I was going to say sh--"  
  
"HECTOR!"  
  
"What!? We've cursed several times before? Why do we stop now?"  
  
"Because we are better people than that!" Marcus snapped.  
  
"_Because we are better people than that_..." Hector mocked.  
  
Marcus gave a deadly glare.  
  
"...I'll be quiet."  
  
By this time, Erik had already gone to meet with his troops, and an old woman had approached. She had gray hair, wrinkled old face, a few gold teeth, and an oversized cloak over her tiny body. "Hello, boys" she grinned.  
  
"Wha...who the hell are you!?" Hector snapped.  
  
"I am Hannah, and I am a fortune teller" the old woman explained. "I've come to speak to the one searching for Marquess Pherae."  
  
"You'll have to be more specific" Hector pointed out.  
  
"His son."  
  
"...Eliwood."  
  
"Here he is."  
  
"Not the sharpest tool in the shed, is he?" Hannah asked Eliwood, as he stepped forward.  
  
"You have no idea..." Eliwood muttered.  
  
"As I said, I am a fortune teller, and I can help you."  
  
"Oh! You know where my father is?"  
  
"No..."  
  
"Do you know when I'll get a girlfriend?"  
  
"Not that either..."  
  
"...What I have to do about this weird spot on my stomach?" Eliwood lifted his armor, revealing a brown stain on his belly.  
  
"That's dried chocolate."  
  
"...So it is."  
  
"What I can do is tell you what and who to bring into battle."  
  
"I see. This could be interesting."  
  
"Excellent. Just insert five gold into the coin slot, and I can foresee the slot?" Hector asked.  
  
Hannah reached up, and pulled down one of the sleeves on her robes, revealing, on her old lady shoulder, a gold rimmed coin slot.  
  
"OH MY GOD!" Hector screamed, averting his eyes.  
  
"Come on, come on, you want your fortune or not?" Hannah asked.  
  
"This is so wrong..." Eliwood groaned, stepping forward, and slowly placing five coins in.  
  
Hannah replaced her sleeve, and raised her arms. "Silence please..." she requested. She concentrated, before opening her eyes again. "Many enemies use lances. A few axe wielders will come in handy."  
  
"Boo-ya!" Bartre cheered. Hector woofed. Dorcas just smirked.  
  
"And if you bring that shrewish cleric girl, she'll meet an old friend."  
  
"Oh!" Serra cheered. "Is is Lyndis?"  
  
"No..."  
  
"Florina?"  
  
"Nu-uh."  
  
"Lucius?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Wil?"  
  
"No dice."  
  
"Dorcas?"  
  
"..." The axefighter just stared blankly, before stating loudly, "Wrong."  
  
"Sain? Kent? Wallace?"  
  
"Niet. Nada. Try again."  
  
"Rath?"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Matthew?"  
  
"I'm right here, you idiot" Matthew grumbled.  
  
"Um...Lyn?"  
  
"You already said that."  
  
"Wallace?"  
  
"That too."  
  
"Then...I give up."  
  
"...Can she really be this stupid?" Oswin asked in a whisper.  
  
"You have NO idea..." Matthew answered.  
  
Marcus readied his lance, and stared out over the field of battle. "Sir Kozo, let me take the front!" he requested. "There may be many of them, but we are knights of Pherae! I can kick their butts from here to Pasadena!"  
  
"..." Kozo leaned in Guy's direction. "Where's Pasadena?" he asked.

* * *

Meanwhile, over in a nearby village, a purple haired, teenaged mage brushed some hair out of his eyes. "So, I'm not getting any help here?"  
  
"Sorry, sir" said a balding man with a puffy moustache. "We cannot go against the marquess. He would have our gizzards on a silver platter with Ranch Dressing. That man sure loves his Ranch Dressing..."  
  
"No kidding" Erk muttered. "I guess I'm just going to get Priscilla out of here without your help."  
  
The man shrugged. "I'm sorry none of us can help."  
  
"Meh, I figured you villagers wouldn't have done me good anyway." With that, Erk left the village, just in time to see the action starting. "Well, knowing my luck, someone among this small group should be willing to help us."

* * *

Down near another village, a young woman sat down on a stump, and sighed. She had short, fiery red hair, a feathery tiara, and a short, white dress. She rested her head in her hands, as her green eyes glistened.  
  
A big looking man walked over to her. "Your escort hasn't returned yet, has he?" he asked.  
  
"No..." the woman shook her head. "He left yesterday to find someone who could help me get out of here. I just hope he wasn't captured..."  
  
"I'm sorry we can do nothing to help you, Lady Priscilla" the big man sighed.  
  
Priscilla smiled up at him. "Ah, that's okay. You could've turned me into the marquess days ago, and yet you continue to give me haven."  
  
"Mainly because we can't let you leave. There are guards posted around the village, making sure you don't escape. I just hope they will defend against pirates..."  
  
"P..pirates?" Priscilla stuttered.  
  
"Yes. Pirates tend to come onto shore and attack. Usually, Marquess Laus sends a small troop over to drive them out, but now that he seems to be busy, if the pirates decide to attack now and those guards aren't enough...we're doomed."  
  
Priscilla gasped, and looked out over to the beach. "Erk...hurry..."

* * *

Marcus raised his lance, and blocked the attack from his opponent. Lowen swooped in, and knocked the opponent off his horse. The veteran paladin nodded at his student. "Nice work" he congratulated.  
  
"Thanks" Lowen grinned sheepishly.  
  
Meanwhile, Rebecca and Bartre were busy keeping swarming enemies from attacking Merlinus. However, one was able to sneak by, and raised his sword to attack.  
  
"I didn't want to do this..." the fussy merchant sighed, before digging into one of the large crates, and pulling out a large, black coated book. He opened it to a certain page, and started reading aloud. The ground under the opponent's feet began to rumble, before seven runes of black energy smashed into him, and a pillar of dark matter engulfed him.  
  
Kozo just stared. When the magic passed, he rushed over to Merlinus, and grabbed the book. "Mine!" he shouted, before flipping through pages.  
  
Dorcas, meanwhile, had just tossed a soldier aside, when he noticed a certain, teen mage throwing lightning spells at various opponents. "Hello..." he smirked. "Say, Serra?"  
  
"Serra!" Serra chirped.  
  
"...Doesn't that guy look familiar?" Dorcas pointed out.  
  
Serra gasped, as she spotted Erk nearby. She raced over towards him.  
  
As another cavalier came towards Erk, he smirked, and readied another lightning spell.  
  
"Eeeeeeeeee!" Serra cheered, rushing towards Erk. This caught the teen's attention, as Serra had ran into him, trapping him in a tight hug.  
  
Erk failed his arms, as the lightning spell went off. "Damnit, Serra!" Erk shouted. "You made me waste my shot!"  
  
The bolt bounced off a sign, hit a pot, ricocheted over to a blacksmith's anvil, and into the back of the cavalier. He was sent flying over the mage and the cleric.  
  
"Oh, Erky!" Serra cheered, rubbing her face in Erk's chest. "It's been so long!"  
  
"Serra, you're the last person I wanted to see..." Erk groaned.  
  
"Aww! How sweet! You wanted to see me again!"  
  
"Rekgeck..." Erk choked, a vein bulging.  
  
"Erk, this is so perfect! I can introduce you to Lord Eliwood, and Lord Hector, and you can be my escort again!"  
  
"I already HAVE someone to escort, Serra. ...Actually..." Erk got Serra to let go of him. "There might be a way we can work together. You get this group to help me save Priscilla, and I'll join you."  
  
"Yay!" Serra hugged Erk again.  
  
"LEGGO!"  
  
Serra let go, and called out to Marcus. The old paladin rode up next to them. "Take this purple haired cutie to where he needs to get to. I know he can be a valued addition to the party."  
  
"Certainly" Marcus nodded, as Erk got onto the horse. "So, where to?"  
  
"Anywhere far, far away from HER" Erk nudged towards Serra. "But I need to get to the village near the beach. Think you can..."  
  
--ZOOM--  
  
"Get theeeeere?" Erk screamed, as Marcus's horse bolted off in a frightening burst of speed.

* * *

Priscilla looked up, and noticed a horse riding as quick as it could towards the village. "Great..." she muttered. "Another messenger from that jerk, Erik...wait a sec..."  
  
The guards around the village readied their weapons. A ball of fire shot out, and engulfed one of the guards. The rider pulled out his sword, and cut down another enemy guard.  
  
Priscilla stood up, gripping her healing staff tightly. She eased up, as she saw a familiar mage leap off the horse, and ran towards the village.  
  
"Erk!" she cheered, rushing over to the mage, and trapping him in a tight hug. Erk blushed, and tried to get now..." he stuttered, finally getting himself free. "We can get all happy and gushy when this battle is over."  
  
Priscilla tilted her head. "Battle?"  
  
Marcus trotted forward. "Yes, m'lady" he nodded. "Currently, our party is being attacked by a small squadron of Laus soldiers. Erik is their commander."  
  
Priscilla gasped. "That utter creep!"  
  
"Exactly" Erk nodded. "So, shall we go confront him?"  
  
Priscilla nodded, and the three re-entered the battle.

* * *

At that precise moment, three rowing boats landed near the three. Nine seadogs climbed out, and spun their axes threateningly, approaching their pray.  
  
Priscilla yelped, and hid behind Erk. Marcus smirked, and drew out his sword. "This shouldn't be a problem" he muttered.  
  
With that, Marcus leapt into the fray, and started swinging his sword around, taking out pirates left and right. Erk offered assistance, throwing Fire and Thunder spells at the enemy.  
  
Soon, the nine pirates lay defeated at Marcus's horse's hooves. Marcus, however, had several bleeding scratches on his cheeks. Priscilla rushed over to him. "Here, let me help you" she offered, holding up her staff. A large blue light engulfed the two. When it passed, Marcus was back to perfect health.  
  
"Ah, a cleric, are we?" Marcus grinned.  
  
Priscilla shrugged. "Yes and no. I'm actually a troubadour. Let me just get my horse..." With that, Priscilla rushed back to the village. She returned a few minutes later atop a brushy looking horse.  
  
Now that everything was settled, the three re-entered the battle field.  
  
Bodies of dead soldiers and cavaliers and archers littered the area. Bartre and Hector were just having the times of their lives, while Dorcas and Oswin kept their stern expression. Eliwood was hovering around Rebecca, making sure anyone who got too close would taste steel.  
  
Back at the castle, Erik gulped. "They're stronger than I thought." He turned to one of his soldiers. "Head to the castle! Get more troops!"

* * *

Back at the castle, Darin was about to send more troops, before Ephidel clicked his tongue and shook his head. "What, these numbers can't stop them?" With that, the dark cloaked man picked up his bags, and started to leave.  
  
"Ephidel! Where are you going!?" Darin demanded.  
  
"It appears that Laus really can't help us. I'll just return to the boss and tell him to call back the Black Fang. Good day."  
  
"No! You can't leave us now! Not after we've come so far!"  
  
"Well...alright. Come along."  
  
"Excellent! I'll just get my son, and..."  
  
"Leave again?"  
  
"I said leave the brat behind. He'll only slow us down."  
  
"But...Erik is my son! We can't just leave him here to die!"  
  
"Sacrifices must be made in order to rule the world. Isn't that right, my lord?"  
  
"I...suppose...yes." With that, Darin left to get his bags, and returned with three suitcases tucked under his arms. "Okay, let's go."

* * *

"God damn it, where are those reinforcements!?" Erik screamed. He started hopping up and down, flailing his arms. "We're going to lose and my father is leaving me to die!? What kind of a father is he!? I should report him to child services! Why I..."  
  
He suddenly felt a delicate arm shake him. He spun around, and noticed Priscilla staring him in the eye. He beamed. "Ah, lovely Priscilla. So, have you finally come to accept my love and live with me in..."  
  
--WHOMP--

* * *

Meanwhile, Darin and Ephidel were going as fast as they could away from the castle. "You think Erik will be okay?" Marquess Laus asked.  
  
"AIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!" came a high pitched shriek.  
  
"He'll be fine."

* * *

Erik curled into a fetal position, clenching his pride and joy, while Priscilla returned to the group.  
  
Finally, the cavalier stood back up. "I'll...take you all on myself if I have to!" he growled.  
  
"Hey Lowen!" Eliwood shouted to the green haired knight. "This guy said your hot dogs suck!"  
  
"YAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!" Lowen screamed in primal fury, pouncing at Erik, and beating him out of his senses and back. Rebecca and Erk just gaped.  
  
With that, Lowen got back up, and left a twitching Erik on the ground.  
  
Of course, the group wasn't finished having fun with this situation. "Hey Bartre!" Dorcas shouted out. "This guy said something bad about your mother!"  
  
"MY MOMMA WAS A SAINT!" Bartre screamed, pouncing at Erik, beating him even harder than Lowen did. Dorcas just nodded.  
  
After that, Bartre got back up, and massaged his fists. "Pain...searing pain..." Erik groaned.  
  
"Hey Kozo!" Hector called out, wanting in on the fun. "This guy made a comparison between you and Doctor Frank-N-Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show!"  
  
"GAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Kozo hollered, lunging at Erik.  
  
Screams of pain and agony emitted from the dust cloud that grew around the two. Rebecca averted her eyes, Hector tried his best to see past the dust.  
  
Soon, the dust settled, and Kozo walked away, clapping the dust off his hands. Erik was bleeding in various places, and he was hog tied.  
  
Hector crouched down next to Erik, smirking. "Okay, bub. You tell us all about what your daddy's been planning."  
  
"Why should I!?" Erik demanded.  
  
"Tell us, or I tell Kozo some more things you said about him."  
  
"I don't even know the guy!"  
  
"But he doesn't know what you don't know. So, going to talk or not?"  
  
"I'll talk! I'll talk!"  
  
"Good. Now, tell us all about it."  
  
"A man named Ephidel appeared at the castle a year ago. He came and my father changed. See, Ostia's position always bugged the crap out of dad, as he figured Laus deserved to rule Lycia."  
  
Hector snorted.  
  
"Mind your manners!" Marcus barked, smacking Hector upside the head.  
  
"But he'd never gone as far as...rebellion..." Erik continued.  
  
"What!?" Eliwood yelped.  
  
"Ephidel had something, and it convinced dad to go to rebellion. He sent messages to several other marquesses to see is they'd join in on the action. First, Marquess Santaruz. Then, Marquess Pherae. Then the Eggeltons..."  
  
"Wait, Pherae!?" Eliwood gaped.  
  
"Yes. He arrived here six months ago to seal his approval. 'course, he didn't really trust Ephidel. He was always trying to convince dad to send him and the Black Fang outta here. Dad wouldn't listen, so Marquess Pherae left the castle. As you should know, he's gone missing, and I'm sure that he's pushing up daises as we speak."  
  
"Bull..." Hector started, but looked at Marcus, who was glaring daggers at the Ostian noble. Hector just ended it there.  
  
"Eliwood said he wanted to know everything" Erik shrugged as best as he could with the hog-tie. "My father...he's Ephidel's puppet. He'll listen to anything that creepy bastard..."  
  
--WHACK--  
  
"Thank you, Eliwood" Marcus nodded.  
  
"No problem."  
  
"ow...tells him. Even watch his own son...die...Those are the kind of people you're dealing with. Marquess Pherae betrayed them. So I'm sure they executed corporal punishment."  
  
"Thank you, Erik..." Eliwood said sadly. "We've heard enough." With that, the group left.  
  
"Can we kill him now?" Kozo asked.  
  
"No" Marcus shook his head.  
  
"How about now?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Now? How about now? No? ...maybe?"  
  
"No, God damn it! No!"

* * *

"So, are you really coming with us, Erk?" Serra asked, hands clapped together.  
  
Erk nodded. "I figured I might as well."  
  
"How romantic! You go out of your way just to be with me again!" Serra gave Erk a big hug.  
  
"HANDS OFF!" Erk shouted, and shoved Serra away. He looked over at Eliwood, and bowed out of respect. "We meet again, Lord Eliwood."  
  
"Ah yes. Like Dorcas, Matthew and Serra, you were with Lyn a year ago, weren't you?" Eliwood asked.  
  
"Yes" Erk nodded. He motioned to Priscilla. "This is the woman I have been currently assigned to escort: Lady Priscilla. She's from Eturia."  
  
Priscilla smiled, and bowed as well. "Lord Eliwood. Lord Hector."  
  
Eliwood smiled, and approached Priscilla. He gallantly took her hand in his, and gave it a kiss. "M'lady" he said with a smile, a lens flare tinging off his teeth.  
  
Shortly after Eliwood let go, Marcus approached, and repeated the process, only without the lens flare. Lowen bowed before her, but no kissing.  
  
"My..." Priscilla stuttered, blushing. "What a group of gentlemen..."  
  
Guy just took one look at Priscilla, before blushing, and backing off.  
  
"Don't mind him" Matthew smirked. "He's nervous around pretty girls."  
  
Seeing the message behind Matthew's comment, Priscilla blushed a little more.  
  
Oswin and Hector approached, and both bowed. Although it could be noted that Oswin looked more solemn than ever.  
  
Dorcas gave a polite hello, and Serra just glared. Kozo approached, and shook her hand. "Welcome to the team" he greeted. "I'm their tactician, Kozo. And don't worry, I won't be bothering you in any way. Well, directly if you're the sensitive type."  
  
Bartre was grinning the whole time. As Erk walked over to talk to Eliwood, Bartre caught him. "Wow! She's ass slapping-ly beautiful!" he beamed.  
  
Erk's left eye twitched, as he glared at the big warrior.  
  
"Ya don't mind if I borrow her tonight, do ya?" he asked.  
  
"Why you little...!!" Erk screamed, before strangling Bartre.  
  
"Gack! Gack!" the big man choked.  
  
"No, Erk!" Dorcas intervened, prying Erk away from Bartre. "Your hands are to small! Allow me!" With that, the red haired fighter started to strangle his apprentice.  
  
"GACK! GACK!"

* * *

Yoshimo was busy playing Jacks. Chibi-Zell was creating a Cat's Cradle. The Wheel of Morality was still spinning.  
  
"God, with the length of the chapter, you'd think it would've at least slowed down" Yoshimo muttered.  
  
Chibi-Zell looked over the Wheel, and then looked in the back. "Oh, Yoshi, could you summon in Winnie?"  
  
"Huh? ...Okay, sure." Yoshimo reached up, not even looking from his Jacks game, and pulled a velvet rope cord. There was a gun shot. Winnie appeared shortly afterwards. "You fired?" he asked.  
  
"Winnie, would you have anything to do with the Wheel of Morality?" Yoshimo asked, not standing up.  
  
Winnie looked over at the Wheel, and started snickering. "Ah, yeah. That would be me."  
  
Yoshimo blinked. Now he got to his feet. "How'd you pull that off?"  
  
"Oh, I just got in a few more gears, an engine, and a fan belt. All rather simple, really?"  
  
"Well, I'm both proud and upset about all this. So, where'd you get the material?"  
  
"Um...you had insurence on your car...right?"  
  
"What are you tal..." Yoshimo froze. His eyes went wide. "Porche? Porche!? Noooooooo!"


	23. Chapter Fifteen: Noble Girl of Caelin

**Fire Emblem 7, the Parody  
  
Chapter 15: Noble Girl of Caelin  
**  
In Laus, Erik tells Eliwood of a plan. A devious plan? Yes. A cunning plan? Well, not so much that you can stick a tail on it and call it a weasel, but yeah, it was pretty cunning. There is a plot to use Laus as starting grounds for a rebellion against Ostia. Eliwood needs more proof to believe these accusations. Which is kinda pointless. I mean, come on, Darin's the sort of guy who'd do this, you know?  
  
In order to achieve this proof, Eliwood and Co decide to follow the fleeing Marquess Laus. Where that chase would lead them they couldn't have guessed.

* * *

"ARGH!" Hector screamed, kicking the ground, and then stamping his foot like a wild animal. "Where could've that snake gone!? I just know he couldn't have gotten out of Laus already!"  
  
Eliwood sighed. "It's been five days now" he pointed out. "The attack on Marquess Santaruz, our attack on Castle Laus...these should've gotten to Lord Uther, and yet he shows no signs of doing anything about it." Eliwood turned to face Hector head on. "You're his brother. You probably know why."  
  
"He's got his hands tied as it is" Hector pointed out.  
  
"With...what?"  
  
"It's Bern. We've been getting some disturbing reports from our spies."  
  
"Well, that's not a good sign..."  
  
"King Desmond has been acting mighty odd for the past few weeks. We figure that if he sees just one crack in Lycia's defenses...WHAM! He'll invade with all he's got. We've even got raiding parties camping outside our front door."

* * *

A small camp of Bern's soldiers are sitting outside of Lycia. Several are playing cards, some are cooking, and some more have set up a pool table.

* * *

"We've all been thinking that King Desmond may have doven into the deep end without a life jacket."

* * *

Two spies hung to the rafters of Castle Bern. One of them sighed, looking down on King Desmond. "Man, someone should get him to a mental hospital or something."  
  
"Come now" said the other one. "Look how happy he is!"  
  
"Nah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah--Kill Zephiel...--Nah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah!" King Desmond chuckled madly.

* * *

"As if my brother didn't have enough stress on his hands. First the whole thing with him recently becoming Marquess, then Bern planning to invade, and now this. Can kill a man's nervous system."  
  
"Lord Eliwood! Lord Hector! Bad news!" Marcus interjected, riding up to the two.  
  
"AH BLOODY HELL!" Hector screamed.  
  
"What is it, Marcus?" Eliwood asked, calmly.  
  
"A messenger has arrived from the east. Castle Caelin has fallen to Laus!" Marcus reported.  
  
"SONUVA..."  
  
"Lord Hauseen!" Eliwood interupted quickly. "Is he unharmed?  
  
"The messenger didn't give word onto his condition, nor that of the lady Lyndis."  
  
"I did not expect that. Lord Hauseen....Lyndis..."  
  
"My lords, what are you orders?"  
  
"We ride to their aid!" Eliwood ordered. "We have to save them!"  
  
"That's right!" Hector added, mockingly. "We gotta save Eli's girlfriend!"  
  
"She's NOT my girlfriend!" Eliwood screamed.  
  
"That's right" Oswin said with a smirk. "He's devoted to Hector."  
  
"FOR THE LAST TIME, WE WERE DRUNK!" Hector bellowed.

* * *

Meanwhile, over in the forest near Castle Caelin, Lyn, Wil, Sain, Florina and Cecil were waiting for someone. That particular someone, Kent, rode over to them. "M'lady" he reported. "I bring news. Laus's soldiers must have scattered from the castle to the edge of the forest. There must be at least fifty of them!"  
  
Sain looked over at the nomad girl. "Are you sure you want to go through with this, m'lady?" he asked. "I mean, lucky enough we escaped when we did."  
  
"My grandfather is still in there" Lyn pointed out. "I'm not leaving him behind, no matter what I have to tear through."  
  
Cecil leaned against a nearby tree, thinking. "Then again..." he pondered outloud, "that's ten enemies to every one of us. Those are odds I'm not too fond of."  
  
"Don't you mean six?" Sain asked.  
  
"I didn't include myself because I'm not a fighter" Cecil explained with an exasperated sigh.  
  
"What about that time when you took out Lundgren's first layor of armor?"  
  
"Okay, maybe that one time..."  
  
"And when you defeated all those axemen outside of the temple of the Mani Katti" Kent pointed out.  
  
"Well..."  
  
"With a spear."  
  
"Look, the point is..." Cecil seethed, obviously getting stressed. "We're going to need reinforcements. Now" he looked up at Kent and Sain "you two can't go anywhere without somebody seeing you..."  
  
He looked over at Lyn. "And you're too important to risk sending out for some help."  
  
"What about you?" Wil asked.  
  
"I'm the tactician, and I don't you think you could fight back if you got attacked without my help."  
  
"So...I couldn't fight back if the enemy didn't have your help?"  
  
"You know what I mean! God, it's like you're all trying to drive me insane!"  
  
Sain leaned over to Kent. "He's on to us..." he whispered.  
  
"Perhaps I can go?" Wil asked. "Lord Haussen did point out once that I am a pretty nimble guy."  
  
"Weren't his exact words _squirrely_?" Lyn pointed out.  
  
"Shut it..."  
  
"I can go" Florina quipped up.  
  
"WHAT!?" the others gaped.  
  
"You'll be massacred!" Cecil screamed, arms flailing. "The enemy obviously has archers! ..." He looked over at Kent. "Right?"  
  
"And a balista."  
  
"AND A BALISTA!"  
  
"I know" Florina nodded. "But I can go faster than Wil can. I can get reinforcements much sooner, and we can save Hauseen faster."  
  
"No, Florina, you'll be shot down" Lyn held the orchid haired girl's shoulder, as if stopping her from getting on her pegasus.  
  
"My time here in Caelin has made me a little more comfortable around men. And my training has paid off. I'm not the meek little girl anymore."  
  
"But the meek little girl was cute!" Sain whined.  
  
"Shut up Sain..." Cecil growled.  
  
"Well...alright. But please, be careful" Lyn nodded.  
  
"You got it!" Florina chripped pleasently, before getting on her pegasus, and taking off.  
  
Sain smirked. "Did you hear that? Our little Florina is now much stronger."  
  
"A full fledged pegasus knight" Kent nodded.  
  
"And all for you, Lyn" Wil pointed out, looking over at the nomad girl.  
  
"Yeah..." Lyn said meekly, blushing a tad.

* * *

"Hol...e...crap..." Eliwood gaped, as he looked over the battle field. Enemy soldiers were everywhere, all poised for attack.  
  
"Please don't tell me we'll have to kill them all..." Rebecca begged.  
  
"Okay" Kozo grinned. There was silence.  
  
"Well, what do we do?"  
  
"You asked me not to tell you."  
  
"Ah nerts."  
  
"Okay, if we can just..." Kozo started, before noticing something. "Say, do you guys see that?"  
  
"Where?"  
  
"That thing in the sky."  
  
Everyone turned their attention towards a red balloon, drifting into the sky.  
  
"No, the flyer!"  
  
Everyone looked at a piece of scrap paper that was drifting by.  
  
"As in the thing with wings!"  
  
Everyone looked over at the forest, where blackbirds aplenty flew out in a frenzy.  
  
"No, the pegasus!"  
  
Everyone looked over at a giant, reptilain flying monster.  
  
"That's a wyvern!"  
  
Everyone looked and noticed Florina.  
  
"No, the...oh, wait, that's the one."  
  
"Wait..." Eliwood muttered, before shouting so that everyone could hear. "That's Florina!"  
  
"Geez, what's with you and knowing everyone these days?" Hector asked.  
  
"It's all those tupperwere parties I've been having."  
  
"I mean social gatherings."  
  
"Of course, pansy-boy..."  
  
Eliwood returned his attention to the skies, and screamed as loud as he could "Florina! We're down here!"  
  
Up in the sky, Florina blinked, and looked down. She beamed when she noticed Eliwood . I don't know how she knew it was him from that distence, she just did. Go with it! "Lord Eliwood!" she called back. She then remembered why she was risking her neck like this. "Lyndis! She's in the forest near..."  
  
"INCOMING ARROWS!" Hector bellowed at the top of his lungs.  
  
The shout took Florina by surprise, as she lost balance. Enough to have avoided several arrows screaming her way. Of course, she also started to fall.  
  
"Hit the deck!" Kozo screamed.  
  
Everyone dove for cover. Except for Matthew. He just continued to stand there, sipping some soda. He gave a short belch, before tossing the cup away. A shadow started growing around him, as Florina came closer and closer.  
  
In a lick of speed, Matthew dashed out of the way, and shoved in a cushion for Florina. That cushion being Hector. Matthew sprinted off.  
  
"Matthew, you coward!" Hector shouted, stamping in place. "Come here and take it like a..."  
  
--WHAM--  
  
Florina toppled off of Hector, while Hector toppled over, facing opposite from the pegasus knight.  
  
"... ... ...ow" both groaned. Eliwood rushed to Florina's side, while Kozo just looked over Hector, snickering.  
  
"Florina!" Eliwood said worridly, propping the girl up gently. "Florina, can you hear me?"  
  
"unh....huh?" Florina asked, slowly coming to.  
  
"Oh, thank heavens..." Eliwood sighed.  
  
Florina's eyes snapped open. "Lady Lyndis! She's in the forest near Castle Caeli--" she started, before freezing, her eyes fixed on one man. One man in blood red robes with short, purple hair, getting glared at by the blue haired noble.  
  
"...Florina? Are you okay?"  
  
"Eyaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Florina screamed, before getting away from Eliwood, and ducking behind a bush.  
  
"Florina?" Eliwood asked, rightly confused. "What's wrong?"  
  
"He's gonna eat me!" Florina wailed.  
  
"No, you're female" Matthew commented, rolling his eyes. "He wouldn't eat you up..."  
  
"Geez, what's her problem?" Kozo asked.  
  
"Oh, I don't know" Erk shrugged in a sarcastic manner. "Maybe it has something to do with your TRYING TO KILL HER LAST YEAR!"  
  
"... ....Oh yeah! And if she's here, Lyndis must be here as well!"  
  
"What would Florina have anything to do with Lyn?" Serra asked.  
  
"...You're...you're joking, right?"  
  
"No, I'm confused."  
  
"...Erky, I feel utmost pity for you..."  
  
"Thanks. ...wait, did you just call me Erky?"  
  
"Yes I did, Erky."  
  
"..." Erk leaned over in Dorcas's direction. "Is he always like this?"  
  
The big warrior shook his head.  
  
"Phew..."  
  
"He's often much much worse."  
  
"Ah nuts..."  
  
"Mmm, nuts..."  
  
Erk, Matthew, Bartre, and even Dorcas, all wide eyed, stared.  
  
"...I was talking about cashews, you perverts! I mean, God!"  
  
"No time to lose, then!" Eliwood nodded. "We must get to Lyndis and save her!"  
  
"Yes, we must save..." Hector started.  
  
Eliwood planted the tip of his rapier against Hector's neck. "Swords have a natural advantage over axes, don't forget it!"  
  
"...Lyndis."

* * *

Cecil drummed his fingers on the portable table he always had with him, looking over the map. He had arranged game pieces to represent each of the units he figured was on the field. "50 against 4...geez, we're in over our heads here..."  
  
"50 against 18, nimrod" Cecil could hear someone point out, before he was suddenly pelted by 14 more game pieces.  
  
Cecil got up, and glared at Sain, Kent and Wil. "Alright, who did that!?"  
  
"None of them, that's for sure" that voice said again.  
  
"Alright, then who is?" Cecil asked, eye twitching.  
  
"Just me. Kozo the Shaman/Tactician."  
  
"Wait....Shaman...Tactician...same creepy voice...oh dear God, not you..."  
  
"Yep. Me alright."  
  
Cecil's face paled, and he shuddered.  
  
"What!? Geez, what's with you people freaking out like this?"  
  
"Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that you TRIED TO KILL ME!"  
  
"Oh that again. Jesus Christ, can't you people get over it already?"  
  
"Where are you anyway?"  
  
"Behind you."  
  
"Wha?" Cecil turned around, staring face to face with the purple haired shaman. "WHA! God, you shouldn't sneak up on people like that!"  
  
"But it's fun!"  
  
"How'd you get here anyway?"  
  
Kozo pointed his shoulder at Florina. "She brought me here. My..ahem..._superiors_ are on their way as we speak. They should help even up the odds. Weird as they may be, they're pretty decent fighters."  
  
"Florina, you did it!" Lyn cheered, rushing over to the pegasus knight. "I could kiss you!"  
  
She could feel everyone in the immediate area staring. Florina blushed.  
  
"Which...I wouldn't, of course..."  
  
"Of course..."  
  
"Of course" Kozo rolled his eyes.  
  
"It's him!" Kent shouted, rushing over to the shaman, sword drawn.  
  
Sain was riding next to the red knight, lance in hand. "Yeah! Who tried to kill us last year!"  
  
"Please, we're supposed to work together!" Kozo tried to work out diplomatically. "Let's not bicker and argue over who tried to kill who."  
  
"Alright, we'll work together" Cecil sighed. He looked back at the two cavaliers. "Weapons down, boys."  
  
The two were reluctent to, but obeyed.  
  
"Alright, Kozo, who are you bringing along to the party?"  
  
"Let's see...a cavalier, an archer, a sword wielding pansy-boy, an axe wielding loud mouth, two fighters, a thief, a cleric, a myrmidon, a mage, a troubador, a knight and a paladin."  
  
"...Kozo, if I were gay, and I were sure you were gay, I'd kiss you right now."  
  
"Would you?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"'sides, don't think I'd go for you..."  
  
"What!?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Erm...why don't you go with Sain for this mission..."  
  
"I just hope he's as easy on the eyes as Matthew."  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"No, no, I mean who did you mention?"  
  
"Matthew?"  
  
"Boo-ya!"  
  
"Didn't know you were interested in him too."  
  
"...There's something funny about you but I can't quite put my finger on it..."

* * *

"Okay, everyone" Kozo reported back to Eliwood and Co. "We'll need to go at this strategically. Merlinus, you stay put to collect items. Marcus, you stand guard and defend the supply line."  
  
"Why me? Wouldn't I be more usful on the battle field?"  
  
"We can handle ourselves. If Merlinus gets attacked, he'll need a strong back up." _Besides, that's two less creepy old guys I'll have to deal with._ "Dorcas, Lowen, Bartre, Hector, you take the front line. Anyone wants to get to the others will have to go through you. Rebecca, Matthew, Guy, Erky, Pansy-Boy..."  
  
"Gah..."  
  
"Follow them close behind. Kill all enemies on sight. Serra, Priscilla, you two follow in last, make sure that the wounded get patched up. Get it?"  
  
"Got it" Hector nodded.  
  
"Good."

* * *

"So if he's going to do that..." Cecil muttered, moving some pieces on the board. "Kent, you take Lyn and Florina and try to take out some enemies without causing too much commotion. Sain, you take Wil and attempt the same. In the other direction."  
  
"But I wanna go with Lyndis..."  
  
"Tough it up, green boy." Cecil looked over at Kozo. "You're supposed to be some uber shaman, aren't you?"  
  
"Well, my skills are above average."  
  
"Then why don't you go with one of the two teams? I'll go with the other."  
  
"Alright. I'll go with Sain and archer boy."  
  
"My name is Wil, you know."  
  
"Ask me if I care."  
  
"Do you..."  
  
"No."  
  
"Right. Now, let's go whoop some ass!" With that, the whole squadren of good guys went on the attack.

* * *

A wall of soldiers charged towards Dorcas, Bartre and Hector. The axemen charged to counter attack, and easily overcame the feeble footmen. Bartre laughed, as he kicked the corpse of a soldier off. "Too easy! What, was this all they could do?"  
  
"Don't get cocky, Bartre" Dorcas pointed out. "There should be some strong units in their number to have driven out Lyn and the others...I wonder though, how--"  
  
"Kill!" Bartre hollered, charging out towards a few more opponents that just showed up.  
  
"...Oh forget it" Dorcas sighed.

* * *

"Fire Spell!" Erk shouted, throwing a ball of flame at the enemy. The archer screamed, as he toppled over. His companion readied his bow, and fired. The arrow plunged into Erk's side. The mage let out a yelp, before throwing another spell at the enemy. He seethed, clenching the wound gingerly, blood staining his hand.  
  
"Oh, Erk! You're injured pretty badly!" Priscilla gasped, rushing over to the mage's side. "Here, let me..."  
  
"Back off, red head!" Serra said, shoving Priscilla out of the way. "I can handle this."  
  
"But he's my escort! I have to be the one to help him!" Priscilla shoved Serra out of the way.  
  
"But I've known him longer!" Serra responded, shoving Priscilla out of the way.  
  
"I've been practicing my healing magic for two years now!" Priscilla shoved Serra away.  
  
"And I've been practicing for four! So I know more of what I'm doing!" Serra shoved Priscilla.  
  
"Um...girls?" Erk wheezed. "I'm losing a lot of blood..."  
  
"I'll bet you practiced longer because it took you that long to realize how it's done!"  
  
"I've been practicing to perfect it! I'm sure you'd do just a rush job, priss!"  
  
"Rather a priss than a shrewish slut!"  
  
"Oh that's it!"  
  
"Girls....I...wow, my hand's all blury..."--thud--  
  
"...Ah, now look what you made me do! He's passed out!" Serra snapped.  
  
"Well, if you just allowed me to heal him..." Priscilla started.  
  
"Okay, that's it!" With that, Serra tackled Priscilla, and the catfight began.

* * *

Florina gulped, and held her lance at the ready. Lyn tightened her grip on the Mani Katti.  
  
"Alright, we strike on three" Cecil informed.  
  
A trio of myrmidons shifted silently through the forest, trying to find their pray.  
  
"Thr..."  
  
"Kya-ha!" a green haired myrmidon shouted, leaping out of no where. With three swift strokes, the three enemy units lay at his feet, dead. He spun his sword, before sheathing it.  
  
Cecil leapt out of hiding, smirking. "Well, aren't you quite the myrmidon?"  
  
"Yep! I'm Guy of the Kutolah Tribe, and I'm going to become the greatest swordmaster in all of Sacae!"  
  
"Is that so?" Lyn asked, coming out of hiding as well. Kent and Florina followed. "A friend of mine is from the same tribe. You might of heard of him. Rath?"  
  
"Hmm...yep. Son of the chieftain."  
  
"Wow. Didn't know he was that high up the ladder..." Lyn smirked. "Well, it's good to have you on the team. My name's Lyn. And these are my friends; Kent, Cecil and Florina."  
  
"Good day to you, sir."  
  
"Howdy."  
  
"...um..hi?"  
  
"I thought you were more comfortable around men now" Cecil pointed out.  
  
"All that went out the window when I saw...him..."  
  
"Yeah, he is pretty freaky..."  
  
"Who are we talking about?"  
  
"Kozo."  
  
"Oh, he's the raw definition of freaky!"

* * *

"..." Marcus sat atop his horse, and scanned the area, a growl escaping him. Merlinus just traced circles on the counter in his tent, and let out a huge yawn.  
  
"I'm bored..." the merchant complined. "Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. And I'm sure you are too."  
  
"What are you talking about?" Marcus asked. "The job Kozo asigned me is very important! I must defend the supply line, or else--oh, who am I kididng, I'm bored out of my gord!"  
  
"Then....then what do you think we should do to...yawn...pass the...time...snore."  
  
"Merlinus! Wak...wake....snore"

* * *

"Oh look, it's the old people's nap time" Kozo sneered.  
  
"Kozo! Watch out!" Sain warned.  
  
Kozo froze, and looked to his side. A mercenary was almost on, him, sword held high. Kozo froze. He didn't have enough time to counter with a spell. _So, this is it, huh? Well, I had a good run..._  
  
What he wasn't expecting was a lance to stick in between him and the sword. The blade got stuck, before Sain whiped the lance into a tree, taking the mercenary with it. The mercenary screamed as his back became awash with pain. He passed out.  
  
Sain looked down at the shaman. "You okay, Kozo?"  
  
Kozo just stared. Maybe it was because the last time they met, he was only concerned with getting rid of Lyn and capturing Nils and Ninian, but he never recognized how...chivalrous Sain was. Like something out of a storybook, the sun was shining between the trees behind Sain, glinting off of his armor and making it look golden, his hair was falling soft across his forehead, it made Kozo want to reach out and run his hand through it...  
  
So he didn't give it a second thought while he leapt at Sain, trapping the knight in a hug. "Ya! You saved me!"  
  
Sain was honestly freaked out. "Erm...yeah. ...Now, could you please let go?"  
  
"Never!"  
  
"I said leggo!" Sain screamed, before taking off. Kozo was knocked off. He picked himself up, brushed himself off, and began to chase after the cavalier.  
  
"Wait for me, my knight in shining armor!" he begged.  
  
"...okay, um, I'll just, uh...just stay here then..." Wil muttered. "Well, as long as no one leaps out of nowhere..."  
  
"KILL!" Bartre screamed, leaping out of no where.  
  
"AHH!" Wil screamed, before bolting off. Bartre was hot on his heels.

* * *

"Commander Bauker!" one of the remaining soldiers rushed over to his commander. A man with a small, thin face, parted, golden brown hair, and a thin moustache. He was wearing oversized green armor. "We've experienced a severe counter attack!"  
  
"What? Someone get me my telescope!" Bauker demanded. The soldier pulled out a telescope, and handed it to the commander.  
  
He looked over the battle field, seeing Oswin and Matthew bowling through various swordsmen. "Oh drat..." he muttered. He looked around a little more, fixing his sight on Hector, brutally slaughtering several enemies at a time while Eliwood was busy carving an E into his opponents' guts. "Oh bloody hell!"  
  
He looked on further, and fixed his sight on Guy and Cecil...doing the can-can. "What the hell?" He looked on, and this time fixed his eye on Priscilla and Serra, still cat fighting. Bauker gave a stupid grin, some droll on his lower lip.  
  
"Commander, what should we do?"  
  
Bauker turned to face the soldier, still looking through the telescope. "I don't--whoa, I can see your skin cells."  
  
The soldier sighed, and slapped the telescope away. "Commander, be serious. What should--GOD ALMIGHTY THE PAIN!"  
  
The soldier crumpled over, as Hector pulled his axe out. He and Eliwood approached menecingly towards the knight.  
  
He growled, raising his lance. "I won't back down! I will..."  
  
"My lords, get down!" Dorcas bellowed.  
  
Hector and Eliwood ducked, as Dorcas threw, with all his might, his warhammer. It flew (as weird as it was) straight and true, right into Bauker.  
  
"Noooo!" the knight screamed, falling over. "... ...um, little help? ...I've fallen and I can't get up."  
  
Eliwood turned to face the big warrior, and gave him the thumbs up. "Nice shot!"

* * *

Erk slowly opened his eyes, to see Priscilla leaning over him, concern in her eyes, and scratches on her arms. She was also lacking a shirt. Erk blushed. _Topless Priscilla. I must be in heaven...  
_  
He looked over, and noticed Serra, her torn dress to her side, as she applied some bandages to her battered body. _Half naked Serra. I must be in hell...  
_  
"Oh, poor Erk..." Priscilla said. "I'm so sorry I left you like that for a few hours."  
  
"Hey, no worr-wait, hours?"  
  
"Yes..."  
  
"What uh...what were you doing for the past few hours?"  
  
Priscilla looked over at her shirt, which lay discarded and torn next to them. She then looked at Serra, who was grumbling and cursing under her breath.  
  
"...oh" Erk nodded.

* * *

Lowen rode over to Dorcas. "Pardon me, good fighter, but have you seen Bartre?"  
  
"Well, the enemies are all gone, and he's still in his bloodlust, so I'd say he's out attacking the innocents."  
  
"Run away!" Wil screamed, as he and a few villagers rushed by.  
  
"Look, innocents!" Lowen beamed.  
  
Bartre soon burst into view, screaming in primal fury.  
  
"Shouldn't we go stop him?" Lowen asked.  
  
"He'll stop himself eventual" Dorcas assured.  
  
Bartre started slowing down, still snorting like a bull. He slowly returned to normal breathing, before shaking his head. "Whoa, I just blacked out there. Did we win the spelling bee?"  
  
"What'd I tell ya?" Dorcas smirked.

* * *

Sain peaked from behind the castle walls. He breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay, I think I lost him..."  
  
"At last, darling!" Kozo said dramatically. "We can be alone!"  
  
"What the...!? How did you...when did you..." Sain fainted.  
  
"..." Kozo grinned, and clapped his hands together. "Some days, you gotta work for it, and others, life gives it to you with a cherry on top!"  
  
"Hey, Kozo! There you are!" Cecil called over.  
  
"Damn it..."  
  
"Bring Sain over here. The others are meeting outside in the courtyard. We're about to storm the castle!"  
  
"Alright, fine!" Kozo pouted. He scooped his arms underneath an unconscious Sain's, and started dragging him slowly to the courtyard. "Damn it, he'd be easier to carry without this armor."  
  
So Kozo bent down, and removed the green armor. He stared down at Sain. "While I'm at it..." He then took off Sain's shirt. "...Ah, what the hell."  
  
"Kozo, hurry up!"  
  
"Alright, I'm coming! (ya no good fun wrecker...)"

* * *

Cecil streached, and clapped his hands together. "Well, it's good to see some familiar faces among this lot!" he beamed. He offered his hand to shake Dorcas's. "Great to see you again, ol' buddy!"  
  
"Still as quiet as ever, I see." He looked over at Erk. "And here's our resident mage. Might I ask as to what happened to..."  
  
"Eeee!" Serra squealed, rushing over and hugging Cecil. "Cecil! It's been ages!"  
  
Cecil was taken aback. "S..Serra! What are you doing here?"  
  
Serra grinned. "I'm in service of House Ostia. I'm currently traveling with Lord Hector."  
  
"No foolin'..."  
  
Oswin put a hand on Serra's shoulder, and started to peel her off. "I apologize for that, good sir Cecil."  
  
"Eh, I bet you haven't had it half as bad as I did" Cecil shrugged.  
  
"You wanna bet?" Erk asked, rubbing his hands together. "Easiest five bucks I'd ever make."

* * *

Wil slumped down near the fountain, panting. "If that pychopath ever tries to attack me again, he's a dead man..." he muttered, before looking up. His eyes went wide, and his jaw dropped. Standing before him was..."Rebecca?" he asked, approaching.  
  
The young archer girl looked up at Wil. "Um...who are you again?"  
  
"It's me, Wil! Remember? The guy next door?"  
  
"Mmm...no..."  
  
"The guy who dressed up as a clown at your 7th birthday party?"  
  
"Don't think so..."  
  
"The guy who got you a pony for Christmas 12 years ago?"  
  
"Doesn't ring any bells."  
  
"The guy who kissed Dan at the prom under drunken influence and ended up having to stay at the hospital for a week or three?"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Hmm...Guess I got the wrong person. Sorry to waste your time." With that, Wil returned to Lyn and the others.  
  
Rebecca shrugged, and was about to walk over to talk to Eliwood and Hector, when she froze. They were all coming back to her. The horn, the pony, the blood..."Wil! Wait!"

* * *

"Pathetic old fool..." Ephidel chuckled, retreating his hand back into his cloak. Lord Haussen choked, before falling to a heap, burned all over. "Leila! Attend me!"  
  
A young woman with long, red hair, violet eyes, and a single freckle under her lips approached. She wore a tattered yellow cloak, and a blue, almost leathery shirt, a miniskirt practically attached to it. "I am here, sir" she said simply.  
  
"While Eliwood and company deal with the remaining soldiers" he explained, "finish off Marquess Caelin, and dispose of the body. They'll waste prescious time searching for it."  
  
"You got it, sir."  
  
A cold smile crept into Ephidel's lips. "You know, you've only been with the Black Fang for a while, but during that time, you've proven to be a valuable asset."  
  
"Thank you sir."  
  
"In fact, when you return to the Dread Isle, I could perhaps treat you to dinner?"  
  
"Get bent, sir."  
  
"Meh. Your loss." With that, Ephidel teleported out.

* * *

"It's that time again" Yoshimo reported beamingly.  
  
"The time where we sit down and discuss politics?" Bartre asked.  
  
"The time where I question why the hell I'm working with you people?" Chibi-Zell asked, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Nope. It's time to find out what we should learn from today's chapter. And to find out, we turn to the _Wheel of Morality_!" Yoshimo walked over to the dial, before he was butted out of the way by Kozo.  
  
"One side, shrimpy" the shaman said icily. He took the dial, and spun it. It whirled furiously, before slowing down. "And the moral of today's story is..."  
  
"But I didn't get to sing my song!"  
  
"Moral number 4." Kozo took the paper that printed out. "Let's see..._We're all going to die eventually. Deal with it._ Hmm. How fitting."  
  
"Well, that totally killed the mood" Yoshimo muttered to himself. "So, I guess, until next time, try to get a good night's sleep, even though that thought is hanging over your head. ...Damnit, Kozo, now you've given me nightmares." 


	24. Coffee Break 2: Never Too Old to Trickor...

**Fire Emblem 7, The Parody  
Coffee Break 2: Never Too Old to Trick-or-Treat**  
  
_You are invited to Yoshimo's Halloween Bash. From 8:00 to 11:00 at night. Don't forget to wear a costume. And please, no bringing Winnie Gnome.  
See you there,  
Yoshimo._

* * *

Florina blinked, reading over the letter. "Should be fun" she said with a smile. She looked over at Lyn, who was sleeping on the couch. She smiled, and shook her gently. "Lyn. Lyn? Wake up, Lyn."  
  
The nomad actress groaned into her pillow. "I only had soup, I don't see why we have to split the check evenly..." she mumbled.  
  
Florina giggled, before an idea occured to her. She took a few steps away, into the kitchen. She then, with a burst of speed, rushed towards the couch, and lunged at Lyn. The green haired girl suddenly woke up, spun around, and caught Florina.  
  
"Aww, how do you do that?" Florina asked, laughing a bit.  
  
Lyn smirked. "Highly toned sense I developed since I was a kid."  
  
"Ooh."  
  
"That, and I've been living with you for about a year now, so I pick up on these kind of things."  
  
Florina nodded, before handing Lyn the letter.

* * *

Marcus shook his head. "These parties lead to loud noises. And loud noises lead to headaches. Not to mention the uncouthness of all participants."  
  
Eliwood beamed, looking over the letter. "Sounds like fun!" he nodded. "I'm so going!"  
  
Marcus sighed. "Go if you wish, kid. I'll be staying at home Halloween."  
  
"I'm off to call Ninian! I'm sure she'd love to go as well! Maybe we could go to the party as a theme!" With that, the red headed star rushed off.  
  
The purple haired actor shook his head. "Been seeing each other for almost a year, and he still acts like a fifteen year old around her..."

* * *

Yoshimo flipped back his robes. He was dressed in a blue robes, covering him from his neck to his feet, with long, hanging sleeves. He was wearing a yellow, straw pointed hat, and black face paint. Hidden in each sleeve was a small dagger. "This should work" he nodded, before hearing a knock on the door.  
  
The dirctor blinked, before walking over to the door, and opening it wide. Standing there was a man with a long, white beard, a gray tunic that reached down to his feet, and a gray cloak. He wore a gray wizard's hat, and carried a plain staff. "Good evening" he nodded, letting himself in.  
  
"Athos?" Yoshimo asked. "What are you doing here so early?"  
  
"I figured a need to" the archsage explained, looking around. "Interesting abode. Fitting for a starting director, I suppose."  
  
Yoshimo pouted, closing the door. "Who are you, my home decorator?" he asked sharply. He was about to head into the kitchen, when there was another knock on the door. Yoshimo blinked, open the door, and standing there was Canas, wearing a suit of bulky, blue armor, much like Hector's.  
  
"Hello, good sir--" The shaman started.  
  
"Wait" Yoshimo interupted, before shoving Canas to one side. He looked around. "Good. No line up. Come on in."  
  
Canas smiled, and entered. "So, how many other people are here?" he asked.  
  
"Only Athos, myself, and you."  
  
"What about the others? I'm sure there'd be more..."  
  
"Canas, you and Athos are an hour EARLY!"  
  
"What?" Canas took out his invitation, and looked at the time. He then looked at his watch. "No, according to my watch, we're right on time."  
  
"Did you remember to set your clock for daylight savings?"  
  
"Daylight...oh. ...So...do you have anything to eat?"  
  
Yoshimo sighed.

* * *

Yoshimo was out cold in the living room, snoring audibly. Pent and Louise had arrived on time, dressed in the classical Vampire and Vampiress costumes. They had joined Athos and Canas in their heated discussion of philosophy, physics, and pottery.  
  
There was a hard knocking at the door. Pent blinked, and looked over at the director. "Yoshimo, more guests have arrived."  
  
Yoshimo kept on snoring.  
  
"Yoshimo, it is your duty as the host to...you know what? I'll get it myself."  
  
Pent got out of his seat, and went for the door. Standing there was little Nino dressed in a noble and frumpy pink dress, with a coned hat. Jaffar was standing next to her, wearing a suit of armor. He wobbled a bit. "Can't believe she's making me do this..." he grumbled.  
  
Pent beamed, and knealt down in front of Nino. "And what are you supposed to be?" he asked.  
  
Nino beamed, and clapped her hands together. "I am the beautiful damsel in distress, and Jaffar's my knight in shining armour!"  
  
Jaffar leaned towards Pent. "She's got it mixed up" he muttered. "I'm in distress here!"  
  
Louise looked out of the room, eyebrow raised. "What's this about wearing a dress?"  
  
"Distress! I said I'm in distress!"  
  
The shout was enough to wake Yoshimo up. He grogingly looked at Jaffar, yawning. "That's the funniest looking dress I've ever seen."  
  
"DISTRESS!"

* * *

_Earlier...  
_  
Dorcas shook his head. "Natalie, I do not wish to go" he said bluntly. "I'm not good at parties."  
  
Natalie beamed. "Oh, come now, Dorcas! It'll be fun! All we need to do is get you a costume..." she dug in her costume chest, before giving a squeal. "Oh! This is perfect!" She pulled out two school uniforms, particularrly for females. She beamed at her husband.  
  
Dorcas's eyes widened, before he shook his head. "Oh no. No! You're not getting me to dress up in that! There is NO way I'm dressing up in that!"

* * *

"I can't believe I'm dressed up like this..." Dorcas groaned, as he was off hiding in a corner, while Natalie was talking with Fiora, who was dressed up as Minnie Mouse. Yoshimo was having a pleasent conversation with Kozo, who was wearing a light purple cloak, with a formal uniform underneath.  
  
"Remember, toad boy, I haven't learned anything new yet. You don't come up with something soon, I'll be getting the procedings from this production."  
  
Well, as pleasent as it could get with Kozo...  
  
Yoshimo was about to speak, before there was a knock on the door. "Thank god" he muttered.  
  
He opened the door, and in stepped Sain, dressed in a red, velvety bath robe. He was carrying a pipe, and blew into it, sending out bubbles. Yoshimo smirked. "I should only have guessed..."  
  
Sain cupped his hand under his chin (his being his own, not Yoshimo's). "Now all I need is a bunny girl" he said.  
  
Minoa, who was dressed up in a sorceress's outfit, with a long black cape, red dress shirt and five red talismins around her neck, was within ear shot. She froze for a few seconds, before bolting away, causing her costume to fall to the ground with a frump.  
  
Matthew and Erk were walking towards Yoshimo's apartment. Matthew was dressed up as everyone's favorite(?) tactician, Kozo, while Erk had gray face paint, a tan coloured outfit, and a long, equally tan coloured cloak.  
  
A blur of speed rushed past the two. Erk blinked, before looking over at Matthew. "Did you just see a flesh coloured blur, just now?" he asked.  
  
"Can't say I did" Matthew shook his head.  
  
The blur came back, this time going ahead of them. "Well, what about that black one?" Erk inquired.  
  
"Now, that one I did."  
  
Kozo looked over Sain. "So, what's with the bathrobe?" he asked.  
  
Sain rolled his eyes, groaning. "Kozo, can't you tell? I'm Hugh Hefner!"  
  
Minoa rushed in, dressed in a lacy black one-piece, with long, black nylons, and black high-heels. She also had a pair of white rabbit ears. She immediately latched on to Sain's leg. "And I'm a Bunny girl!" she chripped.  
  
Kozo beamed. "Can I be a Bunny Boy?"  
  
"Let me think about it--no" Sain responded quickly.  
  
"Oh...."  
  
Sain coughed, before beaming. "And now, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great honour and great pleasure to introduce..."  
  
Louise looked up. Natalie and Fiora looked over at Sain. Nino blinked, before tugging at Jaffar's arm to look as well.  
  
"The only man to charm more ladies than I, the Ma--"  
  
"Is it Zelos?" Canas guessed.  
  
"No, but you're close. Please welcome, as I give you, The Masked Swordsman!"  
  
Stepping in, somewhat slowly and hesitently, was a man with sparkling red armour, a large, pimp style hat, and a falcon like mask. Fiora and Natalie giggled. Louise covered her mouth. Nino fell to her knees, laughing hard. Even Jaffar cracked a smirk.  
  
The masked pimp walked over to Sain. "Sain" he muttered, "be thankful no one knows it's me. Otherwise, I would kill you where you stand."  
  
"Come now, Kent" Sain whispered. "No one knows it's you, so you can release your inner flirt. Fiora's here, you know, and unless she was serious about being booked till 3017, she'd love to go on a date with the _Masked Swordsman_."  
  
Kent was, again, thankful for the mask. "Alright, that's it. Sain, when we get home, I am going to take my sword and shove it down your..."  
  
Kozo walked by. "Kinky."  
  
Kent was REALLY thankful for the mask. "I mean THIS sword, you idiot!" he protested, drawing his decorative blade.

* * *

A while later, the crowd really started to gather. Matthew was talking with Hector and Bartre, who were dressed up as Canas and a dalmation, respectively.  
  
"Now, how is a dog supposed to be scary?" Matthew asked.  
  
"They can bite" Bartre pointed out.  
  
"And nine times out of ten, they go right for the crotch. I should know" Hector nodded sagely.  
  
"Come right in, Guy" Yoshimo offered, as the myrmidon entered. "Glad you could make it."  
  
The green haired nomad, keeping the hood of his costume up, walked over to the small group. "Hey guys--what the hell!?"  
  
Matthew looked behind him. Standing there, with his blood red robes, the fangs on either shoulder, and the hood up, was unmistakably Kozo.  
  
Guy's lower lip twitched. Looking right at him, with his crimson robes, jet black fang pattern on either shoulder, and the amethyst hair, was Kozo.  
  
Matthew stared at Guy. Guy stared at Matthew. Both eyes shrunk, before twin screams escaped their mouths. They hid on opposite ends of the house.  
  
Hector blinked. "What was that all about?" Hector asked.  
  
Kozo shook his head, walking over to the well dressed noble. "Think about it. They were both dressed up as me."  
  
Hector nodded, then snorted, before falling over, laughing to tears. Kozo sighed.  
  
A bit later, Matthew and Guy returned, making sure that neither were the real Kozo. Now, the REAL Kozo, dressed up as every one's favorite mageling (provided they played Chrono Trigger) Janus, cooed. "Aww, I'm touched!"  
  
"W...what!?" Matthew gulped.  
  
"I have a fan club!" he clapped.  
  
"N...no! It's nothing like that!" Guy said, turning red with embarrassment.  
  
"You were the scariest thing I could think of, so I went as you" Matthew explained. "It was probably same story with Guy."  
  
"You know, imitation is the most sincere form of flatery" Kozo pointed out. He pondered, before beaming. "That must mean you're hitting on me!"  
  
"....Get it off, get it off!" Matthew yelped, tearing the costume off. He stood in his usual clothing, panting.  
  
Kozo pouted, snapping his fingers.  
  
"What? You expected I didn't wear anything under this?"  
  
"I was hoping you weren't."  
  
There was a knock on the door. "I'll get it" Yoshimo nodded, before walking over to the door. He opened it. Standing there was a somewhat comical looking donkey, with Lyn's face in the middle of the neck. The face beamed. "Hey!" Lyn greeted.  
  
"Nice costume" Yoshimo nodded. "Say...where's Florina?"  
  
"She's...Ooo!" Lyn yelped, twitching a bit.  
  
"...I take it she's the rear end...  
  
"I prefer to be called the back!" Florina said through the costume.  
  
"Whatever. Come on in."  
  
Lyn and Florina came in, although the front half was moving quite awkwardly.  
  
Sain beamed, as he watched them enter. "Nice ass."  
  
Lyn turned to face him, glaring daggers. "I'll take that as a compliment directed towards the costume, pajama boy."  
  
"I'm Hugh Hefner!"  
  
"And I'm a Bunny Girl!" Minoa gushed, hugging Sain around the waist.  
  
Yoshimo was about to close the door, when the door bell rang. He blinked, and opened it wide again. Standing there was...  
  
"Hi!" chirpped Winnie. He was dressed in a long, black trench coat, with black sunglasses.  
  
"What the....!? Ah, holy crap! I thought I smelt Cedar! How'd you find out about this?"  
  
"I followed your tracks everytime you left an invitation" Winnie explained.  
  
"Wasn't I walking on cement?"  
  
"That, and I got an anonymous tip from Kozo."  
  
"I told him you bought a party mix" Kozo pointed out.  
  
Yoshimo sighed. "Very well. Come on in, I guess."  
  
"Great! Oh, do you mind if I brought some of my friends?"  
  
"My evening's ruined already. I don't suppose some more, uninvited guests would hurt."  
  
"Yes! Come on out, fellas!"  
  
A stampede of Mister Smiths with horns barged in. Yoshimo stared, mouth agape. He stared at Winnie. "Winnie, your friends are a herd of elk."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Dressed as Mister Smith clones."  
  
"I know."  
  
"And they're eating from the buffet table."  
  
"I kno--there's a buffet table!?"  
  
"Yeah. It's right over there. Right by the elk. You can't miss it."  
  
"I will be _The One_, to have some party mix!" Winnie rushed over to the table.  
  
"Could my evening get any WORSE!?" Yoshimo groaned.  
  
At that moment, there was another knock on the door. Standing there was Lucius, with a white, full body outfit, and cardboard, angelic wings. Standing next to him was Raven. His hair was in a bandana, and wearing a light blue tunic.  
  
"Yep. Should've known not to tempt fate" Yoshimo muttered.  
  
"What was that?" Lucius asked.  
  
"Nothing. Come on in."  
  
Raven entered the living room already. Lucius smiled, and posed. "What do you think? Pretty good costume, right?"  
  
"Aside from the wings actually having a build, looks much like Yggdrasil" Yoshimo pointed out.  
  
"I know! I chose this costume because not only could I look the part, but he can't be assumed of being a homosexual!"  
  
"What about G--"  
  
"Ah! That's_ kid_ Mithos! _Adult_ Mithos can't be put with ANYBODY, let alone any males!"  
  
"That's not true" Minoa pointed out. "What about Kratos? Or Yuan? Or you could have both at once!"  
  
"Wh....son of a---!"  
  
Meanwhile, in the living room, Raven was suddenly glomped by Kozo.  
  
"Acentine-kun! You're here! Hehehe..." Kozo giggled, planting a kiss on Raven's cheek.  
  
"Wh-what the!? G-Get off of me! I'm not your bloody boyfriend!" Raven pouted, trying to push Kozo off.  
  
Kozo pouted. "You're not? How dare you fool me, I'll tear you limb from..."  
  
"Sorry I was late, guys. I had to make sure to look my best..."  
  
Kozo blinked and turned to the door. Standing there, with red hair, an open yellow vest, white pants, and a large sword was Acentine, grinning.  
  
"Oh, don't worry," Yoshimo said. "Some people aren't even here yet."  
  
"Really? That's good to hear, I hope I hav--gack!"  
  
Kozo tackled Acentine with a powerful flying glomp, sending both of them flying into a nearby closet, the door shutting behind them.  
  
"..." Yoshimo groaned. "Oh, sure. First it's my perfectly good table, and now it's my perfectly good closet. What next? My perfectly good bedshee--no. Must not tempt fate..."  
  
There was another knock on the door. Yoshimo opened it up. Standing there was Cecil, dressed up in a similar costume to Yoshimo. Only his was different in a few ways. For startrs, there was a crecent moon on his hat, and he carried only one dagger, out in the open.  
  
"...Cecil..."  
  
"How was I supposed to know you were going as the Black Mage as well?" Cecil asked.  
  
The director sighed. "Come on in" he said glumly.  
  
Cecil blinked, stepping in. "Something wrong?" he asked.  
  
"Oh, it's just Kozo and Acentine. They've taken to the closet, and are ruining my things even as we speak."  
  
Cecil looked over at the closet. "That explains the noises...." He walked into the mainhall way, passing by Sain. "Nice pajamas."  
  
"Pajama--Look, for the last time! I'm Hugh freaking Hefner!"  
  
"And I'm a Bunny Girl" Minoa chirpped, hugging Sain around the waist.

* * *

There was another knock at the door. "Well, knowing my luck, it's gotta be Chibi-Zell..." He opened the door. He smiled. "I was wrong. Hello Serra."  
  
The Serra in question pouted. "I'm Priscilla!"  
  
Yoshimo blinked, looking over at the other guest. "Hi Priscilla?"  
  
"I'm Serra!"  
  
"Okay, what the hell's going on?"  
  
"Simple" Priscilla answered. "I'm going as Serra, and Serra's going as me!"  
  
"Couldn't you tell the difference by out size?"  
  
"...Well, that would explain why Serra's well endowed now..."  
  
Serra beamed. "Thanks!"  
  
"...You just can't insult that girl..."  
  
Priscilla (dressed as Serra) walked over to Erk, who was busy talking with Bartre. "Look, for the last time! I'm not Arragorn, I'm not a ninja, and I'm not Erk on casual Sunday! I'm Zel-friggin-gadis!"  
  
"Who-friggin-who?"  
  
"Zelgadis? You know, from The Slayers?"  
  
"Nope. Can't say I've heard of that?"  
  
"Why am I talking to you, anyway?"  
  
"Hi Erk" Priscilla beamed.  
  
Erk looked over at her. "Hello S--AHHH! Serra!" Erk ran away, and hid behind Serra (who was dressed as Priscilla). "You gotta hide me!"  
  
"Sure! You can count on me, Erky!"  
  
"...Erk...y? AHHH! Real Serra!" Erk rushed off, and locked himself in the bathroom.  
  
"Like we haven't seen that joke before" Guy shook his head.  
  
Heath growled. In his brown, leather armour, and long, gray cloak, he looked a bit like Arragorn. "For the last time, I'm NOT gonna kiss him!"  
  
Legault shook his head. He had died his hair yellow, and wore a more elven outfit, carrying a bow. Asides from the scar, he looked shockingly like Legolas. "I don't mean to impose. If he doesn't want to be kissed, I won't kiss him. (Maybe later, but not right now...)"  
  
"Come on, please?" Minoa begged. "It'll be like two pairings in one!"  
  
"You're not going to leave us alone till we kiss, are you?" Legault asked.  
  
"Nope!"  
  
_God, if you exist, now's the time to prove it..._ Heath thought to himself.  
  
A wyvern crashed through the roof. A young woman climbed out of the rubble, and shook her head. She head short, blonde hair, with hard, brown eyes, and a dark red battle dress. She smirked. "Ah-ha! I found you, Heath!"  
  
"Oh, Hozannah, it's the lesser of two evils!" Heath beamed.  
  
"Come on, you're behind on your training!" Her wyvern had successfully gotten itself out of the rubble, and readied it's wings.  
  
"Of course, lady Vaida!" He turned to face Minoa. "Sorry, but I have to go. Maybe next year."  
  
Minoa grinned evilly. "I'll hold you to that."  
  
With that, Heath and Vaida mounted the wyvern. "Let's go, Umberiel!" she commanded, before they took off. In a matter of seconds, they were out of sight.  
  
Legault huffed silently, kicking the floor. "He got away" he muttered beneath his breath.  
  
"What was that?" Minoa asked.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
There was another knock on the door. Yoshimo opened it. Eliwood beamed. He was wearing a black muscle shirt, with a broad-shouldered, yellow trenchcoat over it. He had a holster on his belt, a gun in check. Standing next to him was Ninian, dressed in an...odd, wide shouldered dress, with purple leggings. And Nils was in front of the both of them, with a leather jacket, with a red shirt underneath, and a pair of blue jeans.  
  
Cecil gushed. "Aww, they came as a couple!"  
  
"Yeah!" Yoshimo continued. "They came as Gene and Melfina!"  
  
"Yeah!" Minoa said at the same time. "They came as Gene and Jim!"  
  
Ninian and Eliwood looked between each other, both giving a little "ehe". Nils blinked. "I don't get it..."  
  
"Well, we could only show up briefly" Eliwood explained. "Nils insists that we leave and go trick-or-treating."  
  
"Candycandycandycandy...." Nils started bouncing on the balls of his feet.  
  
"Well, I'll let the others know you stopped by" Yoshimo assured.  
  
Ninian nodded, and took Eliwood's arm. "Let's go, Eli."  
  
"Right behind you, Nini!" Eliwood gushed, before they left.  
  
"H..hey! Wait for me! Come back here with my candy!" Nils begged, running after them.  
  
Yoshimo shook his head. "Less then a year, and already we start with the pet names..." He was about to close the door, when a briefcase lodged itself in the doorway. Yoshimo blinked, before opening the door.  
  
Standing there was Chibi-Zell, with a gray business suit, black sunglasses, and a briefcase. "Hello."  
  
"Chibi-Zell! What took you so long?"  
  
"You can file me under fasihonably late. I had to find the one costume that could scare you stiff."  
  
"And how's a business suit and a brief case supposed to do that?"  
  
Chibi-Zell pulled out a card from his pocket, and held it up. "I'm from the IRS."  
  
"AAAAAAHHHH!" Yoshimo wailed, before fainting.  
  
"Oh, I hope he's faking that heart attack..." Chibi-Zell muttered. He kicked Yoshimo in the side. "Hey." He kicked again. "Earth to Yoshimo. It's your party." Kick. Kick. "...Damnit, is there a doctor in the house?"  
  
"No" Lucius pointed out, "but I have the name of a great one. He can fix him up no..."  
  
"Then I guess Yoshimo is gone. A shame."  
  
"No, really. I can just call him up right now, and..."  
  
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust..."  
  
"Do I get his Gamecube?" Winnie asked.  
  
"Over my dead body..." Yoshimo wheezed.  
  
"Ah, he's not dead!?" Chibi-Zell huffed. "..I mean, ah. He's not dead. Good."  
  
Yoshimo got himself up, and brushed himself off. "Saw, Chibi-Zell, you didn't happen to see Wallace on your way here, did you?"  
  
"No" Chibi-Zell shook his head. "And I doubt he'll be able to make it. I'm sure he'll get lost on the way."  
  
"But...his apartment's only a few blocks away..."  
  
"It's WALLACE we're talking about!"  
  
"...Oh."

* * *

_Meanwhile...  
_  
Over in Thunder Bay, Ontario, a large man in a bear suit looked over his map. He looked up, and noticed someone walking by. "Excuse me, sir" he asked, walking over to him, "but can you tell me how to get to Yoshimo Studios?"  
  
"...Um...sure. Go west about a few thousand kilometers...."  
  
"Thanks!" With that, the bear man walked off.  
  
"Um, that's south west. Sir, that's not..you're heading south west!"

* * *

There was a knock on the door. Yoshimo blinked, and opened it. Standing there was a large, burly man, wearing a tight, dark clothing, and a white hockey mask. He carried a dirty machette, stained with what was more than likely blood. "Che, che, che..." he laughed evilly.  
  
"Um...who's this guy?" Yoshimo asked.  
  
"Oh for the love of..." Geitz groaned, taking off his hockey mask. "I'm fricken Jason! Don't you watch any horror movies!?"  
  
"Not really, no."  
  
Geitz rolled his eyes, and tried to enter. "Hey, whoa, hold on" Yoshimo interupted. "What are you inside. For the party."  
  
"Uh...I don't remember inviting you...."  
  
"But...you did. I remember getting an invitation."  
  
"I would've remembered if I invited you...hey Chibi-Zell, did we invite this guy?"  
  
"Can't say we did..." Chibi-Zell shrugged.  
  
"But...I have the invitation right here..." Geitz protested, pulling out his invite.  
  
"Sorry. Guess you weren't invited." Yoshimo shut the door in Geitz's face.  
  
"...Oh, bother..."  
  
Chibi-Zell scratched his chin. "While we're on the subject of blood-thirsty maniacs...where's Karel?"  
  
Yoshimo rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, I was going to invite him, but..."

* * *

_A few days previous..._  
  
"Hey, Karel, would you like to come to..." Yoshimo started, walking over to the swordmaster.  
  
His head was tilted to the side, as his sword dangled in his hand. "Ee-he-he-he-he-heeee!" He laughed insanely.  
  
"...Right, I'm just going to go talk to Karla. Excuse me..."

* * *

"Of course, it went better than when I was talking with Hawkeye..."

* * *

_A day before a few days previous...  
_  
"Hey, Hawkeye, what do you say to coming over to my Halloween party?" Yoshimo asked.  
  
"No" Hawkeye said simply.  
  
"Ah, come on. It'll be fun! Everyone's gonna be there, there'll be good food..."  
  
"I said no."  
  
"All we'd need is a costume that's right for you. Maybe a..."  
  
Hawkeye gave a feral roar.  
  
"Okay, I won't force you. I'll just, uh...be on my way..."

* * *

"Well, he might've been doing himself a favor" Chibi-Zell shook his head. "He didn't get subjected to Sain in pajamas..."  
  
"For the last damn time, I'm Hugh. Freaking. Hefner!"  
  
"And I'm a..."  
  
"We know you're a bunny girl, Minoa" Yoshimo sighed.  
  
Out of nowhere, Minoa whacked him over the head with a paper fan. "Don't spoil my fun. Now where was I? Oh yeah! I'm a Bunny Girl!" she clung onto Sain again.  
  
There was another knock on the door. Yoshimo blinked, and opened it wide. Standing there was a man wearing flowing, black robes, and carrying a long quarter-staff. He reached up, and pulled down the hood, revealing a face that was in it's mid-30's, with teal blue hair. "Good evening."  
  
"What are you doing here?" Yoshimo asked.  
  
"I heard that there was a party, so I though I might like to join in. I even dressed up as a druid."  
  
"Well, you weren't introduced in the storyline, so, I'm afraid you can't come in."  
  
"But...what about Canas? Or Athos? They weren't introduced, and..."  
  
Yoshimo shut the door.  
  
"You'll be getting some nasty letters about this..." the man warned, shaking his fist.

* * *

Dorcas tapped Athos on the shoulder. "Excuse me, archsage. I was wondering if you could move, so that I may get to the punch bowl..."  
  
Athos turned to face Dorcas, fire in his eyes. He raised his staff. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" he bellowed.  
  
"...Alright, fine. Have the punch to yourself. I don't care."  
  
Meanwhile, Louise had a similar problem to Dorcas's. She pouted. "I'm thirsty..." she muttered. She then looked up, and smirked.  
  
"...OW! What the...!?" Guy yelped, as Louise bit his neck. "What was that all about?"  
  
"Gotta stay in character, ya know?" Louise teased.  
  
There was a soft knocking on the door. Chibi-Zell answered. Wil, dressed in a squirrell costume, poked his head in. "H..hi..." he muttered. "Is Rath here?"  
  
Chibi-Zell smirked. "Oh, indeed he is. And it looks like he's ACHEING for a kiss."  
  
"AAAAAHHHH!" Wil screamed, running the hell away.  
  
Yoshimo looked over at Chibi-Zell, unamused. "You just scared away Rebecca's date" he pointed out.  
  
Chibi-Zell beamed. "I know. But it was too good a line to resist."  
  
Canas looked around, before grinning. "Ah! Nino! There's something I wish to speak to you abou--whooooa!" Canas fell over, crashing down to the floor. somebody help me up? Anyone? ...Hello?"  
  
Jaffar also tried to walk across the room, in order to speak with Legault. He found himself collapsing under the weight of the armour. "God DAMN IT! How can you bloody well MOVE in this thing?!"  
  
"Well, for one" Hector pointed out, walking over to the fallen man, "you need it to actually fit you." He took Jaffar's head, and pulled. Jaffar was yanked right out of his armour, easily. There was a ripping noise. Hector blinked, and looked at his armour. "Oh, son of a...! I knew I should've gotten clothes like this made my size, and not just stealing some from Canas..."  
  
"Yoo-hooo..." a voice cooed from the stairs. Hector looked up, as did Jaffar.  
  
Standing on top of the stairs was a young woman with short, deep blue hair, with equally blue eyes to match. She wore a thin, white headband, and was dressed in a beautiful, golden ball gown. She stepped carefully down, before leaping into Hector's arms. "Do you like it?"  
  
"Do I like it?" Hector asked. "Farina, that dress wouldn't look half as good on any other girl!"  
  
Farina smirked. "I thought you'd like it."  
  
Jaffar shook his head. "How did she afford to get such a dress?" he asked.  
  
"This is Farina" Hector explained.  
  
"...Ooooh. I see now."  
  
Meanwhile, over by the buffet table, Winnie, still dressed as Neo from the Matrix, munched happily on some pizza. "Ah, man..." he said happily. "This is _The One_ food I'm going to be eating for a while!"  
  
"Winnie, if you don't stop with these _The One_ jokes, then I'll be _The One_ to beat the snot out of you!"  
  
"Okay, then I'll be _The One_ to stop with _The One_ jokes."  
  
"Okay, that's it. Cecil, get me my Home-Run Bat."  
  
"...Um, you don't have one."  
  
"Alright, how about a hammer?"  
  
"None."  
  
"...Mister Freezie?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Fire Flower?"  
  
"I have a Lip's Stick."  
  
"Oh, great. Lipstick. I can beat him up with cosmetics..."  
  
"I will be _The One_, to avoid these bad jokes."

* * *

Marcus flipped a page in his book. He was sitting in his chair, listening to classical music. He was reading a good book, and wearing a nice, comfortable bedrobe. He sighed contently.  
  
The doorbell rang. A collection of young "trick-or-treat"s went off at the same time. Marcus reached over for a remote on the side table, and pushed the button on it. A rush of water was heard, accompanied by children screaming and running away. Marcus gave another content sigh.  
  
The doorbell rang again. Marcus took the remote, and pushed the button again. The hose turned on, and sprayed the kids at the door. Another ring. Another press. Another "fwoosh". This continued a few more times, before stopping.  
  
Meanwhile, Eliwood heaved, as he trudged after Ninian and Nils, a large sack on his back. "How much candy...can one kid eat...in one year?" he asked.  
  
"Come on, let's keep moving!" Nils instructed. "It's only 10! We've still go two hours left!"  
  
"You're lucky I like your sister..." Eliwood grumbled, as he followed Nils.  
  
Nils beamed, stopping in front of one house. "Here's our next stop!" he declared, before going over to the door.  
  
"Um, Nils, I wouldn't do that if I were you!" Eliwood warned.  
  
Nils rang the doorbell, before letting out a cute little "Trick-or-Treat!" There was a pause, before a panel above Nils's head opened up, and a hose dropped down. The hose turned on, and water rained on Nils. The kid just stared at the door, blinking.  
  
"That's Marcus's house..." Eliwood groaned.  
  
Ninian looked over at Eliwood. "Is Marcus always this nasty?"  
  
"Only when he has a headache" Eliwood explained. He dropped the sack. "I'm going to have a talk with him...." He approached the door, and knocked. "Marcus, we need to have a talk."  
  
--Fwoosh--  
  
Eliwood knocked again, his trench coat clinging wetly to him. "Now I'm serious. We need to talk."

* * *

Wallace looked around. Neon signs were flashing everywhere. People, rich, poor and middle class alike, roamed the streets. The Ceaser Palace stood in front of him. The general in the bear suit gave a whistle of awe. "Fancy party..." he breathed out. He entered the palace.

* * *

Ninian and Nils, accompanied by Eliwood, arrived at their house. Eliwood smiled. "Well, here's your stop" he said, before carrying the sack to the front steps.  
  
"Wheee!" Nils cheered, before dancing around the large sack. "Candy, candy, candy, candy. Candy, candy, candy, candy..."  
  
Ninian smiled. "Thanks for coming with us, Eli. Nils had a great time."  
  
Eliwood smiled. "It wasn't a problem, Ninian. I was glad to do it."  
  
Ninian smiled, before giving Eliwood a light peck on the cheek. "I'll see you at work tomorrow" she said, before leaving.  
  
Eliwood blushed, before grinning stuipidly, and drunkenly walking away.  
  
Matthew, who had gone trick-or-treating to avoid Kozo, bumped into Eliwood on his way home. He smiled. "Heya, Eliwood. I assume you had a good time tonight?"  
  
"Yeah.." Eliwood said airily. "The two had a great time as well..."  
  
"Say, did you guys go to that one house that was giving out change? I changed my costume 10 times, I made five dollars."  
  
Eliwood whistled in awe. "Nice."

* * *

"Excellent party" Cecil nodded, before leaving.  
  
"See you at work tomorrow" Pent said, before carrying an asleep Louise outside.  
  
Acentine nuzzled Kozo's neck. "We certainly had a good time" he gushed.  
  
Kozo grinned up at Yoshimo. "Ya. Thanks for letting us use your closet. Maybe you're not such a dopey toad-boy after all." With that, the two left.  
  
"Well, at least it wasn't my bed sheets" Yoshimo sighed.  
  
Chibi-Zell looked around. "Say, has anyone seen Lyn? Or Florina for that matter?"  
  
"Mmm, not since about half-way into the party" Sain pointed out, as he made his exit, Minoa still hugging onto his waist.  
  
Almost immediately after, Lyn and Florina came downstairs, carrying their donkey costume. "G...great party, Yoshimo..." Florina said, sounding as though her mind were elsewhere.  
  
"And...in advance...sorry about the bedsheets" Lyn said, red with embarrassment. With that, the two left.  
  
"What is she talking abou...Oh, son of a--!" Yoshimo screamed.  
  
"Well, see you tomorrow, then" Chibi-Zell shrugged, leaving. Winnie Gnome followed, accompanied by his animal companions.  
  
Yoshimo sighed, before something dawned on him. "Wait a minute..." He grinned. "It's been a whole day, and Winnie hasn't pranked me once! It's a bloody miracle!"  
  
Yoshimo stepped outside, just in time to see Winnie running off, whooping. He looked around. There was toilet paper everywhere. "Okay, maybe this one prank..." He muttered.  
  
He took a step forward, result in a "squealch"ing noise. The director looked down. He had stepped in a rotten pumpkin Winnie had no doubt strategically placed. "Okay, two."  
  
Another step. A catapult launched, bombarding Yoshimo with two dozen eggs. "...That's it, I'm going inside..." He turned around, and opened the door to his house.  
  
"...So, that's why he had a tractor parked outside..." Yoshimo observed.  
  
The house was completely empty, except for one suit of armour on the floor. "Oh! Thank God! Please, could you help me up?" Canas begged.  
  
Yoshimo groaned. "It is too late for me to be putting up with this crap. I'm just going to check into a hotel room, and beat my stuff out of Winnie in the morning..." With that, Yoshimo shut the door, and locked it.  
  
"...I say, you do suck..." Canas huffed. 


	25. Chapter Sixteen: Whereabouts Unknown

**Fire Emblem 7, The Parody  
****Chapter 16: Whereabouts Unknown**

...What are you looking at me for? There's no narroration here. ...Wait, what? ...ah sonuva...

Eliwood and company defeat the small army of Laus's soldiers outside of Castle Caelin. And yet inside, so many more remain. But still, like the heroes they are (willing or not), they press on to save Marquess Caelin.

* * *

"There's still a lot of Laus's soldiers in here" Matthew reported. "Not as many as what we dealt with before, but there's still a lot."

"What about Caelin's guards?" Eliwood asked.

"They've been taken prisoner. There are only a small number of them left anyway."

"About half of them were killed in the surprise attack" Lyn muttered. "At least, I saw that many fall before we made our escape..."

"So Caelin had only six guards? Geez, talk about crappy defense..."

"Shut up, Matthew. ...Wait, are you saying there are only three guards left?"

"Exactly. The others either have escaped or are dead."

"May I just say something?"

"Shoot."

"DAMN!"

Hector smirked, and patted the blade of the axe in his hand. "Let's have some fun with these guys. Who's with me!"

"Why don't we ask Hannah?" Eliwood suggested, nudging towards the old fortune teller.

The old bit...witch lowered her sleeve, and cleared her throat. Eliwood sighed, and slipped in the five gold coins. Hannah closed her eyes, and raised her hands. "Flyers beware. This is not the place for you. You will need a thief. ...Hmm, there will be a meeting. Take the polite girl...the flame haired beauty."

"Ooh! She's talking about me again!" Serra beamed.

"Serra..." Erk explained slowly. "Your hair is pink."

"Pink is like red! And red is like flame!"

"...I give up."

Hannah lowered her arms. "That is all I see."

"Well, gee, you certainly norrowed it down" Hector rolled his eyes.

"Manners, Hector" Eliwood shook his head.

"Don't tell me you weren't thinking the same."

"Definetly not, no, not likely, not really, maybe, possibly, probably, okay yeah..." Eliwood admitted.

* * *

Meanwhile, within Caelin's walls, in the dungeon to be exact, a group of five people lounged around. Three were men in green armor, currently playing Go Fish. The fourth was a monk with blue robes and a white cloak, and long yellow hair, who was busy meditating. And the fifth was a man with short, fiery red hair, piercing red eyes, padded leather armor, and dark jeans, leaning against the wall of the cell near the bars.

A man with red armor rushed down into the dungeon, and called the attention of the guards. "We've got trouble. Those guys from outside are coming in, and leading the way is that blue haired axeman. Every hand that can be spared, get out here!"

As the guards got their weapons ready, the red haired man knocked against the bars of his cell, catching the attention of one of the soldiers. "Hey. You, with the face. Let me out."

"Come again?"

"The blue haired axeman. Marquess Ostia's kid brother. He's among your enemy, right? Let me out, and I can help you. Just let me deal the final blow to the brother. I have a score to settle with House Ostia."

"You must think me a fool. You work for Caelin! I'm not letting you out!"

"Well then, if you aren't letting me out quietly, I'll just destroy the door, and you with it. I held my hand because you were holding Lucius hostage. But now that he's safe in this little cage...."

"Meep."

Lucius got up, and shook the red haired man's arm. "I do not think that wise, Lord Raven" he shook his head. "You can't betray your debt to Marquess Caelin."

"Shut the hell up, Lucius" Raven snapped, glaring daggers at the monk.

The blonde haired monk of Elemine backed off. "I'll be quiet" he let out quickly.

Raven looked back at the guards. "So, do we have a deal?"

"...Deal" the guard nodded, and opened the door. Raven began to step out.

"Lord Raven, you can't go alone!" Lucius protested, stepping closer. "It's too dangerous!"

"I said shut up" Raven snapped his head back at Lucius. "Just stay here and stay put. I'll be back for you." With that, Raven took a sword from a nearby weapons rack, and left.

Lucius was about to protest, but sighed, defeated, and turned his back to the stair case his friend ascended.

--SLAM--

Lucius yelped in pain, as the door slammed shut, trapping some of his hair outside. He turned to face the guard, "Unlock this door, and relenquish my hair..." He raised his hand, surrounded by light magic. "BEFORE I RAM THESE DOWN YOUR THROAT!"

* * *

"Alright, time to decide who's in charge of being the tacticion for this battle" Cecil said, walking over to Kozo.

"There is only one way to settle this..." Kozo muttered, pulling a hand out of his robes.

The two tacticions stared at each other, not averting their gaze for anything. Finally...

"Rock...paper...scissors!" both chanted, as Kozo held up his middle finger, and Cecil (on his last pump) pulled out his spear.

"I win!" Cecil smirked. "Silver Lance beats obscene hand gesture!"

"Screw you" Kozo growled.

Cecil put away his lance, and held his hand forward. Kozo sighed, and handed Cecil the pendant that Hector gave him. "Be careful, I did some fine tuning."

"Alright, let's just see how this..." Cecil slipped the pendant on, and got a birds eye view of the field. "Whoa, I can see your skin cells!"

"You might want to zoom out" Kozo explained.

Cecil shrugged, and started to zoom out. "......Um...why do I see Guy in his underpants?"

"I've worked that pendant out to see through everything, to an extent" Kozo smirked.

"...Kozo, you can have this back, thank you" Cecil said slowly, taking off the pendant, and returning to normal vision. "I'll just go with instinct."

Cecil pulled out his portable card table, and set up a map of the area. "Alright, now we'll need experienced hands inside. So our candidates for going in are...Lyn, Eliwood, Hector, Matthew, Marcus, Erk, Serra, Priscilla, Kozo, Dorcas, Wil, Kent and Sain."

"That's not fair!" Bartre complained. "You're picking people you've traveled with before!"

"Tough luck. Everyone else, you stay out here with Merlinus and I, to ensure that he's protected, and if anyone inside needs help, we'll be here. Alright, let's go!"

The listed units went inside. Everyone else just stood their ground. There was silence. A cricket chripped.

"So..." Lowen said, scratching the back of his head.

"Who's up for Crazy Eights?" Bartre asked.

"Oka..." Rebecca started.

"Strip Crazy Eights!" Bartre grinned.

"..." Rebecca backed away.

"Damn..." Bartre muttered.

"I'll join!" Hannah grinned.

"Ack!" Bartre yelped.

"Forget the Crazy Eights idea, Bartre!" Cecil begged.

* * *

A red armored soldier leapt at Hector, raising his lance to strike the only vaulnerable part of his opponent: The head. However, in spite of his bulky armor, Hector was fast enough to swing his axe and cut a huge mark in the soldier's chest.

As another one leapt from behind to take the axe wielding noble by surprise, Eliwood leapt between them, thrusting the head of his rapier through the enemy soldier's neck.

"Is this all Laus has left?" Hector laughed, grabbing another soldier, and throwing him into the side wall.

"Well, considering we took out two thirds of their forces already..." Eliwood shrugged, before spinning around and stabbing a soldier in the eye.

A small group of archers rushed in, and raised their arrows for attack. One of them was suddenly surrounded by an aura of dark magic. "I wouldn't try it" Kozo smirked, before snapping his fingers. The dark magic spread, and engulfed the archer, draining all the energy out of his body. The dark magic then zoomed towards Kozo, who breathed them in. "Ah, nice."

Undaunted, the archers released their arrow swarm. With several waves of his hand, Kozo not only stopped the arrows, but arranged so that when they clattered to the ground, they spelt out "HA!".

Wil and Erk rushed in, and threw their respective attacks at the archers. The arrow and the thunder magic tore through two of the remaining six.

"Change your partners!" Kozo instructed, before leaping at the archer on the left, throwing twin Flux spells, sending the enemy archer flying.

Erk held up his hands, which were engulfed with fire and lightning. He threw both at the enemy archer, charing him to a cinders. Wil took out two arrows, and fired them at the remaining archer. The archer fired a single arrow, which canceled out one of Wil's, but the other embedded itself in his head. He fell over.

"Well, nice shot, Archer boy" Kozo nodded.

"Actually, my name is..." Wil started.

Kozo started to move out.

"No..your leaving...okay..." Wil sighed, and moved out as well, followed by Erk.

As Serra and Priscilla finished off healing up Marcus and Sain, and began to head out (in different directions, of course), a flame haired mercenary creapt through the shadows.

Soon as Priscilla was alone in one of the hallways, the mercenary launched his attack. Priscilla turned around, noticed the sword, and screamed in fright. The sword came down, when...

* * *

"...Got any sevens?" Bartre asked.

"Go Fish" Cecil shook his head.

Bartre grumbled under his breath, drawing a card. He blinked, and grinned. "Well, would you look at that? Two sevens!"

"Bartre....that's a five, and that's an ace" Rebecca calmly pointed out.

"It is?"

"Yes. And you've been making that mistake for the past seven turns" Lowen pointed out.

"...Hey look! Two sevens!"

"Who agreed to let him play?" Rebecca asked angrily.

Lowen whistled innocently.

* * *

Priscilla shivered on the spot, the sword stopped inches from her neck. The mercenary froze, mouth gaped. "Are...are you..."

Priscilla opened her eyes, and realized she wasn't dead or dying. She looked at the mercenary. "Who...are you?"

"I don't blame you for not knowing me. You were so young we were seperated..."

Priscilla gasped. "Does that mean...are you Raymond?"

"You sure have grown, Priscilla" Raymond smirked.

"Brother!" Priscilla cheered, leaping at her brother, and trapping him in a warm hug. "My brother!"

"What are you doing here? It's been ten years since Count Caerleon of Eturia took you in as his foster daughter."

"Yes. And he was very kind to me. But not a minute passed without me thinking dearly of mother and father and you..."

"...Priscilla..."

"When I heard that our House had fallen, I was so worried about you..."

"So that's why you came out here, huh? That's quite the ways."

"Friends in Eturia helped me. Lord Pent and Lady Louise provided their student as an escourt."

"Did he try to get freash with you?" Raymond asked instantly.

Priscilla giggled. "Of course not. He's actually a very nice guy. Keeps to himself sometimes, but very nice none the less. But..."

"But?"

"While we were in Laus, the marquess tried to give us to his son. And if I didn't know better, he might've wanted me himself."

Raymond's left eye twitched at the mention of this. "Oh...did he now?"

"If it weren't for Lord Eliwood and his companions, I would've been trapped there."

"Wait, what was that?"

"I would've been trapped there?"

"No, before that."

"If it weren't for Lord Eliwood?"

"After that."

"And his companions?"

"Now all of it."

"If it weren't for Lord Eliwood and his companions?"

"And who would they be?"

"Lord Hector, Lady Lyndis...they've all been very kind to me and the other members of their party."

Raymond's eyes widened a tad. "You've become allies with...him?"

Priscilla blinked, confused.

"..I shall join you then."

Priscilla beamed. "Really, big brother?"

"I couldn't refuse my little sister. And besides..." Raven suddenly bit his lower lip.

Priscilla tilted her head. "Besides what, brother?"

"Nothing, forget it. Tell me, Eliwood...does he know of your heritage?"

"No one except my escourt."

"I see...probably for the best. Priscilla, we have to keep our relationship a secret, alright?"

"Alright, Raymond."

"And another thing: the name's Raven now. Raymond is a name I have...discarded."

"...I'm sure you have your reasons, Raven. Very well. Come on! I'll introduce you to the others!" With that, Priscilla took Raven's arm, and was about to run off, but Raven stood his ground.

"You go on ahead. I've got something I need to take care of." With that, Raven rushed off down the corridors.

Priscilla just sighed, before getting onto her horse, and riding off.

Kozo pulled his head back from around the corner, and tapped the pendant on his chest.

* * *

"Kozo here" the shaman reported to Cecil. "Some red head named Raven's joined the team. A mercenary no doubt."

"Thanks for the report, Kozo" Cecil nodded, looking over his hand.

"Right, I'm just going to see what he's up to. Kozo out. ...Oh, and you might want to fold. Lowen's got a Straight in his hand."

* * *

Lucius was busy pacing the cell, whistling, before suddenly hearing rapid foot steps coming down. He looked out the cell door. Raven was rushing down the steps, and towards the cell. He swung it open. "Change of plans, Lucius. For the moment, we side with Caelin."

Lucius grinned. "A change of heart, eh?"

"Not really. I always figured the closer you are to the enemy, the easier it is to strike."

"Oh. Still hell bent on getting back at House Ostia?"

"Ya damn straight!"

"Yes I am, despite the beliefs of many."

"Come again?"

"Nothing. Please, do continue."

"Right." Raven grabbed Lucius's wrist, and started to run off, before noticing the other three soldiers inside. "Hey, gruntmen, get out there and defend your country."

"For the marquess! For the castle! For Caelin!" the soldiers shouted.

"For God's sake, just go!" Raven fumed.

The soldiers rushed out of their cell, grabbing their shields and lances, and rushing up the stairs, nearly running over Kozo, who was trying to follow Raven inconspicously.

"Watch it!" Kozo shouted, completely blowing his cover.

Raven, still holding onto Lucius's wrist, looked up, and noticed the shaman. "Who are you?" he asked.

"Nothing you should concern yourself with. I'm just a..." Kozo tried to explain.

"You!" Lucius shouted. "I remember you! You're the one that..."

"Tried to kill you last year?" Kozo asked nonchalantly.

"Yeah!"

"Why am I not surprised? Look, bishop-boy, I'm traveling with several other members of the party whom I tried to kill last year, and while all of them want to get back at me, none of them have acted. Do you understand why?"

"Mind controll!"

"No not...!" Kozo sighed, defeated."Just get out of here."

"Let's go, Lucius" Raven ordered, dragging the monk along.

"Ow! My wrist! You're hurting my wrist!"

* * *

A band of knights and soldiers rushed out to attack Eliwood and Co. Sain rode forward, and thrust his lance forward, going through the slit on a knight's helmet, getting him right in the eyes. Kent rode out, and bowled through a small group of soldiers. Marcus rode along side him, and zipped ahead, to take care of the two knights at the end of Kent's charge.

Eliwood, Lyn and Hector sneaked by the fighting, and got to the general at the end. He had short, shaggy red hair, and a thick, red moustache. "I am Benard, and I will willingly challenge whoever it was that defeated Bauker." He took his red helmet from under his arm, and put it on.

Lyn placed a hand the hilt of her sword. "Alright, let's do this!"

"Allow me, my lady!" came a familiar, light voice. Lyn turned to face the direction of the voice, to see Lucius, rushing in, a ball of light magic encircling his hand.

The monk came to a stop a few feet from Benard, and thrust his arm forward. "Lightning!" he shouted, as the magic flew off from his hand into Benard's chest.

The knigth growled, and with a mighty backhand sent Lucius sailing into the wall. Lucius hit it with a yelp of pain, before falling to the ground.

"Lucius!" Lyn yelped, worried for the holy man.

The general charged towards the fallen monk. "You die first!" he shouted.

"I don't THINK so!" Hector shouted back, rushing past Benard, swinging his axe with all his strength. Both slowed to a halt, before Hector turned to see what he pulled off.

The lance, broken in twaine, fell to either side of the general. Benard growled, before glaring at Hector. He charged at the noble, ready to throw a punch, when...

--WHAM--

Dorcas, having leapt in from the battle the others were fighting, had clonked Benard over the head with his warhammer. The armor started to crack, and soon shattered around the red haired general's feet.

"Thanks, Dorcas" Eliwood nodded, before springing into action. He thrust his rapier forward, right at...the air that was once occupied by Bernard's torso.

Benard blinked. "This...without that encumberancing armor, I can dodge more attacks!" He laughed, before glaring at Eliwood. He pulled back, and threw a punch. Eliwood leapt back.

"Now, get ready to--" Benard started, before something pierced into his back. Something thin, sharp, and metal.

"'bout damn time I appeared in this chapter" Matthew muttered, before pulling his sword out. Benard choked, and toppled over.

"Matthew!" Hector grinned. "Where have you been?"

"Oh, just getting some more funds to help the campaign. You wouldn't imagine what great goodies the soldiers of Laus have lying around."

"Matthew..." Lyn was about to point out that those actually belonged to Caelin, before Matthew pulled out something else.

"There was even this sketchbook. Boy, those soldiers of Laus must find Florina a basis for art. She's in almost every picture. There's alsone of a nomad, and there's a group protrait of the ol' _Lyndis Legion_(tm)..."

Lyn froze up, before forming a fake smirk. "Heh..yeah, those crazy Lausians...."

After wiping some blood off his sword, Raven looked over, and noticed Lucius, on the ground. The monk started to pull himself up. "Lucius!" The mercenary rushed over to the holy man's side. "Hey, Lucius, you okay?"

"I'm fine..." Lucius nodded. "Just a back ache, but I'll recover."

Raven smiled, and nodded. "Alright. Just remember that if you need a shoulder to lean on, there's always mine."

Lucius smiled as well. "Thank you, Lord Raven. I'll be sure to keep that in mind."

All the while, the young shaman Kozo was watching, bitting his lower lip to prevent from plastering his face with a wide grin. He tapped his pendant.

* * *

Cecil reclined on the counter of Merlinus's tent, when he heard Kozo's voice. "We have defeated Laus's soldiers, and are about to begin search for Lyn's grandpappy."

"Thanks for the update, Kozo" Cecil grinned.

"Eh, I figured you at least had a right to know."

"Hey, by the way, Kozo...about that mercenary..."

"Turns out to be an friend of Lucius. Remember him?"

"Ah, yes, the efeminine monk. How's he been?"

"He and Raven are just so CUTE together!"

"Erm...what was that?"

"Nothing. Anyway, Kozo, out. Oh, and good call of pulling out of the game. I don't know what the hell Bartre has in mind, but if he's calling the shots, it can't be good."

"Can't believe we allowed him to go with his original idea to pass the time...."

* * *

"Grandfather!" Lyn shouted, rushing down the halls of the castle, throwing open doors, and searching desperately for her only living relative. "Grandfather! Where could he be?"

She threw open the door to her room. "Grandfa--" she started, before giving a glare. "Sain..."

The green knight looked up, smiling. A pair of white, laced panties was in between his fingers. "Ho there, Lady Lyndis."

"Could you kindly explain why you're in my underwear drawers, again!?"

"Well, your grandfather wasn't here five minutes ago, so I figured now was a good time to check again."

"Why you..." Lyn was about to spring into action, when Kent stepped forward.

"M'lady, I sorrowly report that I have not seen the Marquess" the red knight reported.

Lyn looked downcast, before looking up. "Thank you two for your help. I'll go meet up with Hector and Eliwood. You two get out side."

Kent bowed, and left. Sain walked off as well.

"Oh, and I'll be needing that back" Lyn said, holding her hand forward.

"Ehe..." Sain gave a chuckle, before putting the undergarments in her hand.

Their search eventually lead to the throne room, where Hectors's eyes were fixed on a patch of liquid on the cushions. He walked over to the throne, and poked his finger into some of the liquid. He frowned. "Hey, guys...on the throne...it's blood."

"Blood!?" Lyn nearly freaked. "No, that can't be!"

"Easy, Lyndis" Eliwood said, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. "He might only be injured." He was about to continue, when something caught his attention out of the corner of his eye. "There's someone also in the room..."

Lyn pushed Eliwood aside, and drew forth the Mani Kati. "Come out of there, right now!" she demanded.

A young, rouge haired woman imerged from the shadows. She just stared at the two nobles blankly.

Hector blinked. "That you, Leila?"

The Leila in question smirked. "It's been a while, Lord Hector."

"You two know each other?" Eliwood asked.

"Sure do" Hector nodded. "Her name's Leila. She works for Ostia...doing...politcal...all right, she's a spy."

Leila glanced over back at Eliwood and Lyn. "Lord Eliwood of Pherae and Lady Lyndis of Caelin, unless I miss my guess. Lyndis, your grandfather is in his chambers reciving treatment."

Lyn gave a huge smile. "He's alive?" she asked, almost befuddled.

"His life is yet his own" Leila nodded.

Lyn wiped her brow. "Oh, Mother Earth and Father Sky, thank you so much for this mercy."

Leila turned to Eliwood. "And as for you, I have some information for you concerning your father."

"Tell me everything you know, please" Eliwood requested.

"First of all, I'm sure you'll be pleased to hear that Marquess Pherae is, in fact, alive."

"High five!" Hector cheered, raising his hand. "Anyone? ....Anyone?"

The other two were too busy listening to Leila's report.

"Positive?" Eliwood asked Leila.

"I've been posing as a member of the Black Fang for a while now" Leila explained. "That's where I got my information. And I believe them to be true."

"Black Fang..." Eliwood muttered.

"Isn't that the assassin group that Erik spoke of?" Hector asked.

"And the same group that were after Nils and Ninian a year ago" Lyn muttered to herself.

"Mind giving me the 411 on the Fang?" Hector asked. "We know little."

"They're an assassin's guild, founded ten years ago, and run by a man known as Brendan Reed. They originally stationed in Bern, but over time, they branched out to other countries. Now, they originally targeted only nobles who abused their positions, thirving off the peasents. The masses found them chivalrous, defenders of the common man. They recieved wide support."

"Then why would..." Hector started.

"About a year ago" Leila continued, "Brendan got married again, to a woman named Sonia. Black Fang's operations began to change. Now, they'll take any job, no matter how difficult, provided they get paid. And not just bad people. Anyone's a fair target."

"And would this _Black Fang_ be responsible for what happened to my grandfather?" Lyn asked.

Leila nodded. "We've learned of a mystery man named Nergal, behind Brendan's wife."

"Eww" Hector made a face. Eliwood promptly smacked him upside the head.

"It seems the Black Fang are performing secret tasks across Lycia for this Nergal. His loyal retainer, Ephidel, is with Marquess Laus. He was the one who convinced the marquess to lead a rebellion against Ostia. The first to answer the call was....Marquess Santaruz."

"Lord Helman...how could you...." Eliwood muttered sadly.

"Next was Lord Elbert, Marquess Pherae."

"You're telling me that my father endorsed this plan?" Eliwood asked.

Leila shrugged. "Can't say, really. I do know that he's with Marquess Laus currently. In a place called...The Dragon's Gate."

"And that would be...." Lyn asked, rotating her hand in a circular motion.

"On the island of Valor, off the coast of Lycia. That is all the information I have."

"Crap, crap, crap, damnit to hell, son of a..." Hector started fuming.

"Something wrong with Valor?" Lyn asked.

"It is said that those who step on Valor never return. The common folk call it the Dread Isle" Eliwood explained. "Still, if my father's there, I'll risk going there to find him. And this _Dragon's Gate_ as well!"

"Well, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to steal shampoo from the bathroom--I mean, return to Valor and dig further into this mystery. Excuse me." Leila started to leave.

"Hold on there, Leila!" Hector ordered.

"Yes?" Leila asked, turning back to face the nobles.

"Nergal and Ephidel...what are they like?"

"Never had the honor of seeing Nergal. I have spoken to Ephidel on several occasions. He's...creepy. He always wears a black cloak covering his whole body. But..."

"But...?"

"His eyes glow golden. You can't miss 'em. It's almost...inhuman."

As the three pondered about this image, Leila took her leave.

* * *

As the rouge haired spy, carrying shampoo behind her back, made her way down the halls of Caelin, she ran into an old friend of her's. Or, rather, he ran into her.

"Hey, sorry lady..." Matthew apologized, gathering up his things. "Wasn't looking where I was going."

"I'll say" Leila muttered, picking up her things as well. Both stopped for a second, and looked up at each other. Both grinned.

"Leila! That you?"

"It's been a while, Matthew."

Both got to their feet. "What have you been doing to keep yourself busy?" Matthew asked with a joking smile. "More dangerous work?"

Leila gave a silent laugh. "We're spies, Matthew. Everything we do is dangerous."

Matthew shrugged. "No arguements. When do you think you'll be finished?"

"Hmm, hard to say. Our objectives are the same: To save Marquess Pherae. If all goes well, we should both be back in Ostia at the same time."

"That so? You'll have to visit my home town then."

"And why?" Leila put on a seemingly innocent smile, even though she could read Matthew like a book.

Matthew blushed, rubbing the back of his leg with his foot. "To, uh....to meet my folks."

Even though she could see it coming, Leila still blushed as well. "Matthew.."

"Well, I gotta get going. I'll see you around!" With that, Matthew took off running.

Leila smirked. "Still as slippery as ever. Didn't even wait for my answer."

Wil rushed past Leila, looking mighty pissed. "Get back here with my things, you little turd!"

"Well, that explains something..." Leila chuckled.

* * *

Dorcas and Marcus were the first two to leave the castle. And with the worst of timing, too.

"Read 'em and weep, Hannah" Bartre chortled. "Four aces!"

"You'd think being a fortune teller, I wouldn't have this bad of luck..." Hannah muttered, reaching behind her back.

Dorcas slammed his hands over his eyes. "Oh God! She's not going to actually do it, is she!?"

"Dear lord, I think she is!" Marcus wailed, slamming his hands over his eyes as well.

"Oh god, I can still see them with my eyes closed!" After screaming for a few seconds, Dorcas passed out.

Meanwhile, Lyn, Eliwood and Hector were talking. Florina walked over to them. "Lady Lyndis, what...oh, you're busy..."

Lyn smiled. "That's alright. This might concern you as well, so you have a right to listen."

Florina nodded, and stood behind Lyn, placing a hand on her shoulders to lift herself up a tad and rested her chin on Lyn's shoulder. _She feels soft..._ Florina mused, before rubbing her chin against Lyn's shoulder. She instantly caught herself, and stopped, blushing like crazy.

Things like this had been happening for a while now. Whenever Lyn and Florina were in close proximity, Florina would always be blushing, and doing something awkward to either embarrass herself or the both of them. And if she ever looked Lyn in the eye, that would cause her to lose personal balance, and topple foward. Which also had some awkward consequences.

"As I was saying" Lyn continued, "I wish to join you."

"Are you sure about this Lyn? I mean, shouldn't you stay with your grandfather to make sure he's alright?" Eliwood asked.

"Laus has to be stopped. Otherwise, they might target my grandfather again. Besides, I want to help your father. Losing a parent...it's an unbearable pain. One I'd rather you didn't have to suffer."

Eliwood smiled. "Thank you, Lyndis. Hector and I will..."

"Ha!" Hector laughed

"...I will relay the message to the others of your party. Hector, what will you be doing?"

Hector gave a hug yawn, and streached. "I'm going to catch some shut eye. Two battles in a row. Tires a man out." With that, Hector walked off.

Eliwood sighed, and walked off as well. "I'll see you in the morning, Lyndis. You too, Florina."

Lyn smiled, and looked over her shoulder at Florina. "Now, Florina, I need you to..."

Florina ducked her head around to the other shoulder. Lyn blinked, and looked over that shoulder. "Florina, I nee--"

Florina ducked her head back to the first shoulder. Lyn followed, and Florina ducked to the other shoulder again. Lyn smirked, and sighed, feigning defeat. "Alright, Florina, we'll do it your way. I'll just talk into space and you can overhear us."

Florina let out a sigh of relief. She could avoid the awkwardness of having to look Lyn right in the eye and collapse under her own weight.

"As I was saying, I need you to get some doctors and--Ah h--aah!"

Lytn spun her head around quickly to speak to Florina directly. However, by bringing her head around quickly like that, her head bonked with Florina's, causing the pegasus knight to lose balance and fall over.

Lyn, also feeling unbalanced, fell over as well, still turning. She landed completely on Florina, her face falling just above the pegasus knight's chest.

When Lyn raised her head, she instantly realized the awkwardness of the situation. Both girls were blushing heavily, when Lyn got to her knees, a few inches away from Florina. "F...Florina..." Lyn stuttered, trying to catch her breath. "I'm...so sorry..."

Florina gave a reassuring smile, still blushing a tad, as she, too, sat up. "That's okay...I mean...everyone has their gay moment. Like Kent and Sain."

The two women looked over at Kent, who had his back turned to them, and Sain, who was standing in front of Kent. From just that view, it looked like Kent was pulling Sain into a kiss.

When in reality, Kent was strangling Sain for rigging the game so that Rebecca kept losing and, as such, had to keep stripping down. "You pull another stunt like that, and you're a dead man, do you hear me!?" Kent shouted, loud enough for Lyn and Florina to hear. "A DEAD! MAN!"

"Gack! Gack!" Sain choked, flailing his arms in the air.

"Erm...bad example..." Florina muttered, looking around. She grinned. "Ah! Like Dorcas and Bartre!"

Dorcas, still unconscious from the horible image in his mind's eye, lay before the castle. Bartre (fully clothed) stood over him. "He needs mouth to mouth!" The blue clad fighter pinched the nose of the yellow clad fighter, and breathed in a huge amount of air into Dorcas.

So much that the right arm puffed up. Then the left. Then his torso. Then his legs. And finally his head. Dorcas now looked like a big 'ol balloon. Bartre pulled back, and took two pieces of string. One he tied around Dorcas's lips, to keep the air from getting out, and the other he tied around his ankle.

Bartre then walked off with his new balloon, who seemed to regain consciousness, and shouting at Bartre in a high pitched mumble.

Lyn and Florina stared, wide eyed. "Florina..." Lyn informed. "I am going to go into the castle..go to bed...and we will forget we ever saw that. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

* * *

"It's that time again!" Yoshimo beamed.

"The time where we make fun of other people's clothing?" Bartre asked.

"Oh, you're one to talk..." Chibi-Zell said snidely.

"Nope! It's time to learn the lesson of the day. And to find out, we turn to, the _Wheel of Morality_." The Wheel was carted in, as Yoshimo took a hold of one it, and gave it a spin. "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn."

The wheel slowed down, and came to a stop.

"Whoo! We won!" Bartre cheered.

"Come again?" Yoshimo asked, eyebrow raised.

Bartre pointed at the wheel, which had landed on "$1000".

"Wow. That was lucky" Yoshimo beamed. "I don'tevenremember putting that there.Well,that's all for today. Remember, internet goers, Google is your friend. Your perverted and somewhat twisted friend. Like Chibi-Zell."

"I wonder if I should take offense to that...just to be safe..." Chibi-Zell smacked Yoshimo over the head.


	26. Coffee Break 3: Happy Holidays

**Fire Emblem 7, the Parody  
Coffee Break Chapter 3: Happy(?) Holidays  
**  
_It's the most. WONDerful tiiiiime...of the year._

Yoshimo glared up at the radio. "Yeah, depends on what ya do with it" he snapped at it. He glared back at his papers, and continued with his writing. "Based on right now, it's the most FRUSTRATING time of the year. Christmas bonuses, Christmas presents, Christmas Break resulting in getting no production done, Christmas cards that need to be sent out..."

"Hey Yoshimo!" Winnie Gnome beamed, staring Yoshimo right in the face.

"Ya!" Yoshimo yelped, nearly falling off of his chair. He regained his composure, and sighed. "How many times must I change my locks?" the director said flatly.

"I got you a present" the gnome held a gift forward. It was neatly wrapped in green paper, decorated with little Christmas trees.

Yoshimo leaned up against it, ear first. "I hear ticking" he pointed out.

"Remember, don't open it till Christmas!" With that, Winnie rushed out of the office.

Yoshimo sighed, and put the present aside. "Knowing the little mouse, it's a bomb..." He wrote down a few more things, before looking up. Standing in front of him was Chibi-Zell. "...More bad news..."

"Hey there, Yoshi" Chibi-Zell beamed.

"Quit calling me that."

"I was just coming to see if you were still planning on coming to my Christmas Party tomorrow."

"Not even if there was a contest stacked in my favor, in which the prize was a mountain of money..." Yoshimo muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" Chibi-Zell asked.

"Can't come. I've got so much to do. Balancing the money, perfecting my lights for the contest, working on the script..."

"Are you sure you won't be able to come?"

"Swamped in work."

"Mm, that stinks, because I've brought in the best holidays treats from around the continent."

"I'll be there at six."

Chibi-Zell smirked, and nodded, before leaving. Instantly coming in later was Minoa. Yoshimo groaned. "Is there a sign on the door that says _Open Door System in Effect_?"

"Yoshimo, I need your help" Minoa begged. "I need the perfect gift for Sain-Honey!"

Yoshimo looked up at Minoa, eyebrow raised. "If it were me, I'd probably get him a one way ticket to Bermuda. Maybe he'll find Wallace."

Minoa crossed her arms, her eyebrows narrowed.

"I dunno...it's not my present to give. I've got nothing in mind to help you, Minoa."

Minoa sighed. "Well, thanks anyway." With that, she took her leave.

Yoshimo poked his head up from under the desk, holding a neatly, red wrapped present. "Although I do have something for you, Min.....Minoa?" He looked around. He sighed, and put the present away. "Ah well, at least I have peace at last..."

"Hey, Yoshimo..." Wil quipped up, as he poked his head in the door way.

"BUGGER OFF"

* * *

Later that day, the little director was sitting at a table with Kent and Oswin. All three of them were drinking coffee.

"Yoshimo, could we be graced with Christmas breaks now?" Kent asked.

"It'll be the 25th this Saturday.....but, fine. I suppose I'll send an email to everyone telling them they won't have to come to work on the 24th."

"Excellent" Oswin said with a smile.. "Well, I should get some more shopping done..."

"You do that, Oswin..." Yoshimo said, glaring at his cup. "I need to be heading home myself. I am going to make my house more magnificent than that gnome. I am going to show him up this year, once and for all!" he finished with a loud shout.

Oswin glanced up at Yoshimo. "You know, you really shouldn't cause a scene."

"Too late..." Yoshimo sighed.

* * *

In the next green room over, Eliwood, Nils and Ninian were all helping themselves to Christmas treats and hot cocoa. After downing a few more gulps, Nils looked innocently up at Eliwood. "Eliwood, is Santa real?" he asked innocently.

Eliwood was taken aback by the question, before scratching the back of his head. "Um...yes. Yes he is. I was just about to send a letter about what a good boy you were this year."

"Well, Marcus says that he isn't."

"Oh, Marcus is just a bitter old man. I hear that he was a little hell raiser when he was a kid, and he got enough coal to heat his house for a good five months."

"Ahem." Marcus coughed from the doorway.

"Oh! Marcus!" Eliwood said, even more aback. "Um...how long were you standing there?"

"Mmm, just in time to hear about how much of a hell raiser I was when I was a child. I came by to tell you something, but I figure I can wait."

"Ehe..." Eliwood returned his attention to Nils. "Anyway, I'm sure if you stay up real late, you might even meet Santa himself." Eliwood winked at Ninian.

"Like ten-forty five-ish?" Nils asked, returning the wink.

"Um....yeah, I'll let him know"

* * *

The next morning, there was a knock on Chibi-Zell's door. The young director/co-director yawned, and looked at his visitor. "...Bartre? What are you here for at this hour?"

"Isn't there supposed to be a party today?" Bartre asked.

"Bartre, it's five in the morning. My party's not until five in the EVENING. You're twelve hours early!"

"Then can I wait inside?"

"No."

"I brought fruit cake."

Chibi-Zell's eyes lit up, and he snatched the fruitcake away.

"So can I come in now?"

--SLAM--

* * *

"Oy! Gnome!" Yoshimo called up to the roof of Winnie's house.

Winnie Gnome poked his head over the side. "Oh, hi Yoshimo! You still have that present I gave you?"

"Yeah, but I'm thinking of turning it over to the bomb squad in case they need practice."

"Perfect timing" Winnie continued. "I'm about to turn on the lights to test them out." With that, Winnie plugged in the cord, and flicked a switch.

The snow covered lawn was bathed with light. Yoshimo's jaw dropped. "Are...are those real reindeer?"

"Yep!"

"Well, that's just lovely..."

"So, what'd you drop by for?"

"...I was just going to ask if I could borrow your ladder, but then I just remembered where mine was. If you'll excuse me, I'll take my leave"

* * *

At five in the afternoon, Chibi-Zell allowed Legault inside. He was about to close the door, when he spotted Bartre standing nearby. "Bartre, how long have you been standing there? And more importantly, how long have you had your tounge stuck to my railing?"

"Oh, sixth thurthy-tith" Bartre grunted.

--SLAM--

* * *

"Well, I think that takes care of everything" Yoshimo smiled. "Now, to gt ready for the party." With that, he got off of his chair, and walked out of his office.

"Oh, hello Yoshimo" Marcus nodded. "Do you know where everyone is?"

"Marcus? What are you doing here? Didn't you get the email I sent you?"

Marcus folded his arms over his chest, and glared at Yoshimo.

"....Right. Right. (stupid computer-illiterate old men...)"

"Yoshimo, you wouldn't happen to have the time, would you?"

Yoshimo looked over at the microwave nearby. "Oh, about 5:25."

"How'd you get that from a microwave?"

"They have digital clocks installed in them."

"Food heaters that tell time?" Marcus gave a chuckle. "What next? Telephones that have cameras installed in them?"

Yoshimo raised an eyebrow.

"...No, no don't say anything. I brought it on myself"

* * *

Sain rubbed his hands together, positioned underneath the mistletoe. "This is gonna be great...." he giggled with glee.

Florina walked by happily, and Sain beamed. "Florina! Great to see you!" The green knight pointed up. "You know, we're standing underneath the mistletoe. Shouldn't people under the mistletoe give each other a kiss?"

At that moment, Lyn passed right in between the two. "Oh, hi Florina!" she beamed.

Florina smiled back at her friend, and pointed up. Lyn followed the finger, and smirked. She looked back at Florina, and the two kissed.

Sain, not to be out done, tapped Lyn on the shoulder after the kiss was done. "You know, I'm under the mistletoe too. People underneath the mistletoe should kiss."

Lyn rubbed her chin. "Hmm...you're right. I suppose I should kiss someone who is under this little plant." With that, she kissed Florina again.

"God-damn...." Sain cursed under his breath.

Yoshimo entered the house, greeted by Chibi-Zell. "Sorry I'm late" Yoshimo apologized. "Say, is anyone going to help Bartre?"

"Thy thung is thore!" the warrior cried.

"He'll be fine" Chibi-Zell nodded.

* * *

A few minutes later, Sain smiled widely. "Oh, hi Priscilla! Do you know what people do under the mistletoe?"

A lighted match flew over Sain's head, and set the mistletoe and some of his hair on fire. "...I see you're here with Erk."

* * *

"Hey Rebecca. You know what people do under the mistletoe?" Sain cooed, standing under the same door way, some new mistletoe set up.

Rebecca pulled out her bow and arrow. She notched the arrow, and fired.

Sain watched, as the mistletoe was embedded into the wall behind him. "Ehe"

* * *

"Hey Fiora. You know what people do under the mistletoe?" Sain cooed, another mistletoe set up over his head.

Fiora took out her lance, and plucked the mistletoe off. She then tore the plant into several pieces before putting the pieces in Sain's hands. She then walked off calmly.

Sain threw the pieces to the ground, and stomped them flat.

* * *

"Hey Vaida. ...Where'd you get that punch?"

After learning that, Sain, defeated, trudged towards the punch bowl. Yoshimo, at the same table, took a swing of his drink, and licked the inside of his mouth. He shuddered. "Hey, Zell, this is the weirdest tasting eggnog I've ever had."

"That's not eggnog" Chibi-Zell pointed out. "That's my mushroom and tofu milkshake."

"...You actually drink this stuff?"

"No, I just want to see what happens when people drink it."

"Why you--!" Yoshimo started, before his stomach groaned. "...I'll get back at you after I return from the bathroom"

* * *

Legault snickered, as he set up the tripwire. He rubbed his hands together mischievously, and stood off to the side,giving an innocent whistle. He peaked around the door way a few times, before finally seeing his target. _Here he comes..._ he thought to himself.

He then walked towards the tripwire, and purposely hit it. "Wh..wh..whoa!" Legault yelped, as he fell over, right on top of Heath.

"Legault! Something the matter?" Heath asked, somewhat innocently.

"Sorry, Heath. Must've tripped." He looked up. "Huh. Would you look at that. Mistletoe." He looked down at Heath. "Well, Minoa won't bug us until we kiss..."

"I said I'd kiss you next year!"

"Next year is in a week. Can you stand her teasing you for that long?"

"....make it quick."

With that, the violet haired man planted a kiss on the wyvern rider's lips. After a few seconds, Legault broke away. "You know, you're a pretty good kisser."

"Ye...yeah....now, could you please get off of me?"

Legault hid his huff well, and got off of Heath. The green haired man walked off. "I'll get him yet" Legault promised to himself. He then walked off after him.

Forgetting about the trip wire. Luicus walked by innocently, and hit the wire. "What the he--HEY!" he yelped, as he fell over.

Right on top of Raven. When the monk surveyed his position, he noticed his position, and turned beet red. "Yah! R...Raven! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to..."

"Heh, it's alright, Luicus. It's not the first time you landed roughly into me."

"Look, if this is about those other productions..."

"I'm only teasing, you know"

* * *

Yoshimo sighed, as he walked out of the bathroom. He walked towards the doorway where Sain re-pearched, and stopped when he spotted Minoa. He turned a tad red, and hid his present behind his back. "H...hi Minoa. I, uh...it um....I've got we uh..." he stuttered.

Minoa walked by, talking with Chibi-Zell. Yoshimo continued to stutter, looking at his feet. He then held the present forward. "I got you something. ..." He looked up. "Damnit, she's gone again!"

"Because you're not being assertive enough" Sain advised. "Take me, for instance. From this moment on, anyone who passes under this doorway gets smooched by me!"

There was a pause, before Sain felt someone bump his shoulder. Sain spun on a dime, and gave the bumper a huge, wet one on the lips.

"Sain, what the hell are you doing!?!?" Kent shouted.

Sain's eyes widened, before he cowered a bit, still holding Kent's arms. "Um...kissing under the....mistletoe?"

--WHAM--

With a huff, Kent stomped off, away from Sain.

"I...can't feel my shoulder...." Sain cried.

* * *

Minoa smiled widely. "Hi, Kozo! I got you a present!"

"Really? So did I" the shaman smiled back, before pulling, from behind the sofa, a human sized, neatly wrapped present.

Minoa blinked, before pulling out her own present. It was shorter than Kozo's, but it was still quite tall.

Both of them took their presents, and unwrapped them greedily. Minoa gasped happily. "Oh, Kozo, this is the best Christmas present ever!"

Cloud whimpered, and cried a bit. "What did I do to deserve this!?" he wailed, kicking furiously against his binds.

"Oh, but she likes you, man. That's why I got you for her" Kozo answered.

"Do you know what she DOES to people like me!?!"

"Yes. Yes I do." Kozo pulled off the final ribbon, and tore off the wrapping paper. He gasped. "Oh, Minoa, this is perfect!"

Guy cried as well. "Why me!?!" he cried. "Why all the time ME"

* * *

"How did you do it, Chibi-Zell?" Yoshimo asked.

"What are you talking about?"

"How'd you keep that gnome from coming?"

"Oh, I did send an invitation. He just declined because he had to work on his lightning."

"He's STILL working on them!?! That's it, I need to get going." With that, Yoshimo started to leave, before stopping. He turned around. "After one more trip to the bathroom"

* * *

"Oh, Sain-honey!" Minoa cheered, rushing over to Sain.

Sain blinked. "Hmm? Oh, hi Minoa."

"I got you a present." Minoa handed forward a small, neatly wrapped gift. Sain took it, and tore it open.

"It's a digital camera" Minoa explained. "And it already has a lot of pictures of me, so you can load them onto your computer!"

"Hey, I could delete these and take pictures of some hot girls. Hey Lyn! Say _cheese_!"

Minoa blinked, before shaking her fist, and stomping off.

* * *

"It is my pleasure to announce the winner of this year's house lighting contest," said the chairman, "as none other than.....Winnie Gnome, for the seventh year running!"

"Damn...lucky....gnome..." Yoshimo cursed under his breath, as Winnie hopped around in victory.

"Now, Winnie Gnome..." The chairman dug into his pocket, and threw Winnie a set of keys. "We all hope you enjoy your new Chevrolet."

"WHAT!?!" Yoshimo snapped. "The prize was only supposed to be fifty bucks!"

"Yes, well, we figured that, as this was the last year we'd be doing this, we should go out with something big."

"But he's so tiny"

* * *

Eliwood grumbled, as he adjusted his Santa suit. He squeezed into Chibi-Zell's chimney, and started to shimmey his way down. "The things I do for that kid" he grumbled. "Why couldn't Ninian be an only child? Would make things so much easier..."

Cecil smiled widely, watching the cheasnuts roasting over the open fire. "Lovely fire, Zell" he complimented.

At that time, Eliwood had made his way to the bottom of the chimney. Right on the fire. "EE-YOW!" He rocketed back up to the top of the chimney.

Cecil blinked, looking near the top of the fire place. He shrugged, and continued watching the flames dance.

"Okay, that didn't work..." Eliwood mumbled to himself. He got off the roof, and walked around to the front door. He stepped in, and let out a jolly "Ho, ho, ho!"

Nils gasped, and squealed in joy. "Yay! It's Santa! He's real!" Nils blinked, before poking Eliwood in the stomach. "Did you lose weight?"

"How about you fly around the world in one night delievering presents, and let's see how mnay pounds YOU keep. But I degress. Here's a little gift from me before I bring in the rest tonight." With that, Santa/Eliwood dug into his sack, and pulled out a present.

The young Nils beamed, and snatched the present. He then blinked. "Why does it say From Eliwood?"

"Oh! Ah...I owe him a favour, and I got that to you from him in advance. Anyways, I must be going."

"Oh, but Santa, you need to meet my sister!"

"Oh, ho, ho, Santa must be on his way. He has a lot to do tonight."

"But I'm sure she'd love to meet you. I think she's changing right now, but she'll--"

"Yip" Santa/Eliwood let out, before in his place as a dust cloud in his shape.

"S...Santa? Hello? Santa?" Nils looked around, and saw "Santa" running up the stairs. Although his hat was on the ground. And Santa's hair was....red. "E...Eliwood?"

Eliwood froze, and looked back at Nils. "H...ho, ho, hooooh boy....."

"You....you lied to me! Marcus was right! Santa is a lie!" With that, Nils started to sob and cry.

"Ho, ho, dry your tears, little one" said a kind, elderly voice.

Nils blinked, and looked up. Smiling down at him was a jolly old man, with a bushy white beard, poofy, white hair, and a red suit, barely containing his rotund build. He had cherry red cheeks, and a sack over his back. "Merry Christmas" the old man said with a smile under his beard.

"S...Santa?" Nils gasped.

"Santa?" Eliwood asked in disbelief.

Santa straigthened himself up. "Ah, you must be the lad who stopped believing in me. If you don't believe in me, than you might not believe in the gifts I have in this sack for you and the young boy."

"No, Santa, I believe, I believe!"

"Ho, ho, ho! You and I will have to have a little talk in private." He knealt down again, and mussled Nils's hair. "Now, you be a good little sprite, and head off to bed."

"Uh-huh" Nils nodded, before rushing off.

"And as for you..." Santa continued, before grabbing Eliwood by the ear, and dragging him off.

"So, you really are Santa?" Eliwood asked, when the two were in private.

"Well of COURSE I'm not Santa..." came a familiar voice from underneath the beard. With that, Santa pulled off his hat and hair, and took off the beard, to reveal purple hair, and a short little purple beard. "I figured you'd find some way or another to blunder," Marcus explained, taking off his suit, as pillows dropped around him. He adjusted the collar around his sweater, "that's why I came in to help you."

"That is quite unlike you, Marcus."

"Well, I thought it over, and I found it was wrong of me to crush the young lad's spirit. That sort of stamping is saved for high school and the like."

"Too true. I still remember when I was in high school and those damn bullies..."

"Mind your tounge, Eliwood" Marcus interruptted. "Seriously, what would your father think if you started to use that language on Christmas Eve?" 


	27. Chapter Sixteen Gaiden: Port City of Ban...

**Fire Emblem 7, the Parody  
Chapter 16 Gaiden: Port City of Bandon**

The next morning saw the group up early. They packed their things, and readied themselves for adventure. As they started to head out from Castle Caelin, Dorcas noticed something on the shore of a nearby river. He gasped, and squealed in joy, causing everyone to turn.

Dorcas rushed down, and picked up a small, nickel pendant. Dorcas pressed it against his cheek, nuziling it gently. "Did you miss daddy? Daddy missed you..."

That earned him some stares. "... ...What?" he asked as innocently as a guy like him could sound.

Needless to say, everyone kept their distence from Dorcas today.

* * *

After speaking with the Ostian spy Leila, Eliwood realizes he must travel to Valor, the Dread Isle. The small island, located south of Lycia, is said to be home to the Dragon's Gate. Heading for the southern coast of Caelin, they seek passage in the port of Badon.

* * *

"Now look here, mate" Hector said, waving his finger at an old sea captain. "We need passage to the Dread Isle!"

"And I'm telling you" the old man shook his head. "You're mad! Going to the island where none have returned? A fool's errand!"

"Look, we've a mission that involves getting to the Dread Isle" Lyn pointed out.

"Please, if you cannot help us, isn't there anyone in this village who can?" Eliwood asked.

"Well, if you're heart set on going to that cursed island...there might be a way...."

"And that would be...?"

"Pirates."

Lyn twitched. "Pirates?"

"Well, if we have no other choice..." Hector said, rubbing his chin and tapping his foot.

"Wait, you're not serious, are you Hector?" Lyn asked, eye brows raised. "I mean, working with pirates? Unbelievable!"

"You're considering it, aren't you Eliwood?" Hector asked.

"If there's no other way, what else can we do?" Eliwood shrugged.

"Gah, you too, Eliwood?" Lyn huffed. "I misjudged you. It's foolishness to trust the goodwill of pirates! I'm finding another way!" With that, Lyn turned around, and stormed off.

"Geez, who put a spike in her slippers?" Hector asked.

"Her parents were killed by bandits. Brigands by land, pirates by sea...they're all the same to Lyndis. Lawbreakers and murderers."

"Huh...my parents died of illness...but I can understand her feelings. Do we abandon the pirate plan?"

"But..."

"Shame 'bout the girl, but there's no other way" the sailor shook his head.

"We'll just have to meet with them" Eliwood suggested. "We won't be able to decide until then."

"True, true" Hector nodded.

"I'd suggest Fargus" the sailor pointed out. "Boldest pirate captain around here, if not in the world."

"Right, and where can we find him on a Tuesday?" Eliwood asked.

"Hmm...I'd say at the Old Sea Dog."

"Right, and where's the Old Sea Dog?"

"Hmm. On Tuesdays, he's usually in bed with the captain."

Eliwood sighed an exasperated sigh.

* * *

"Ar, what do ye welps want?" growled a tall man with a gray, scraggily beard, and a pale white bandana. He had a purple vest, heavily muscled chest and big hands. His lower body was hidden by the table. "You want to see me I assume?"

"Are you Fargus, commander of the pirate armada?" Eliwood asked politely.

Which was met with Fargus bursting his gut. "Arr-har-har! _Commander of the pirate armada_! Are you naturally an idiot, or just naive?"

"You rotting bastard..." Hector growled, readying his axe.

"Down, Hector" Eliwood commanded. He turned to face Fargus. "I am sorry. How shall I adress you?"

"You don't scare easy" Fargus observed, grinning. "Proves you're not an idiot. _Captain_ is fine. I am Fargus, captain of the Darvos."

"Fargus...Master Fargus? Or shall I call you captain?"

"You're not one of me mates. Fargus is fine."

"Right, now, Fargus, I wish to hire you and your ship. My friends and I need to get to Valor" He offered his hand. "Can we shake on it?"

Fargus took Eliwood's hand, and gave a gasp. "You've got a woman's hand, milord! I'll wager these dainty pinkies never laid anchor in a storm."

Eliwood raised his eyebrows in a disturbed manner, and pulled his hand away. "Well, you're right there..."

Fargus laughed, and pinched Eliwood's cheek, before gasping again. "You've got woman's skin milord!" He let go, and folded his arms over his chest. "I'll wager it never felt the lash of a cat 'o nine tails, been rubbed with salt, and flayed off by a pirate chief to make stockings for his best cabin boy."

Eliwood gave a forced chuckle, rolling his eyes. "How uncanny. I don't know how you do it, but you're right again."

Fargus snorted. "Why should I let a prissy-boy noble and his brutish friend on my ship?"

"Perhaps for all the money in my purse?" Eliwood asked, pulling out a sack of money.

Fargus gasped yet again. "You've got a woman's purse, milord!" He took the sack, and looked it over. "I'll wager that purse never served as a rowing boat. I'll wager it never had sixteen marineers tossing in it."

"I see that when it comes to tales of courage and valor, I'll have to keep my mouth shut" Eliwood said sarcastically.

Fargus gasped. Eliwood groaned. "You've got a woman's mouth, milord!" Fargus gasped, pointing. "I'll wager that mouth never had to chew through the side of a ship to escape the dreaded spindly killer fish."

"See, when I came in here, I didn't know I'd have to eat your ship along with hiring it."

Fargus peaked inside the sack of money, and snorted. "Not enough" he growled, shoving the bag back.

"How much will you need?" Eliwood asked.

"100,000 gold."

"One hundread thousand!?" Hector screamed. "You're mad!"

"Same to you, buddy" Fargus said with a sneer. "A trip to Valor, big risk in it. Compensation, boys."

Eliwood and Hector looked at each other, before nodding. Eliwood turned back to face Fargus, and got out of his seat. "Well, Fargus, we shall collect your amount, and return here as fast as our legs will carry us."

Fargus gasped. "You've got a woman's legs, milord!"

"Oh for the love of..." Eliwood grumbled.

"I'll wager those legs had never been sliced clean off by a falling mast, and sweapt into the sea before your very eyes."

"Well neither have your's" Hector growled.

"THAT'S where you're wrong!" Fargus shoved the table away, revealing tattered grey shorts, and two, count 'em, TWO peg legs.

"Oh...my...God..." Eliwood gaped.

"Be off with ye! I'll be waiting!" Fargus laughed.

* * *

"How are we going to get 100,000 gold?" Eliwood asked.

"Well, there is the arena" Cecil pointed out. "I'm sure people like Lyn and Marcus could fight and raise enough gold."

"Or you could sell out your body" Kozo pointed out. "I'm sure you'd be a fresh catch. Not to mention you don't mind getting it either way."

Eliwood glared daggers at Kozo. "I'm sure you're more in the market" he said with a sneer.

"Hey, if I were to shell out, it wouldn't be to pirates who never heard of oral hygene."

"Ahoy there!" said a gruff voice. The four turned to face the owner of this voice. A man with a white bandana, a tattered, sleeveles blue shirt, and tattered white pants. "Hold your ground."

"What now?" Hector groaned. "We don't have the money yet."

"Well, duh" the pirate rolled his eyes. "I'm Dart, the captain's first mate. I'm here to tell you Fargus wishes to make a deal."

"Being...?" Cecil asked.

"Captain would prefer to toy with you than take your money."

"What!? The pervert" Kozo snarled.

"All you have to do is get to the docks and speak with him. Then he'll take you to Valor, free of charge" the pirate explained.

Cecil looked over at Kozo. "What were you thinking?"

"Never mind. Your opinion of me would change."

"Kozo, my opinion of you is a freaky, pychopathic shaman."

"I'd prefer misunderstood genius."

"Sure...So, how does his offer sound?"

"...What's the catch" Kozo asked the pirate who approached them.

"Come on out, fellas!" the pirate shouted.

Swarming from the docks, making a barricade, was a collection of sea dogs, shamans and magi.

"Oh..." Cecil started.

"censored" Kozo finished.

"I'll be sure to watch this. Should be fun." Dart got to the walls of the city, and took perch on the top.

"How are we going to get past all those pirates?" Cecil wondered aloud.

Kozo smirked. "It's my turn to be the tactician, so we'll just wait until Lyn returns, and then I'll form a plan of attack."

As if on cue, Lyn stepped in only a few seconds later. "Damnit, there's no other way to Valor than those pirates..." she muttered to herself.

"Perfect timing, Lyn" Hector grinned. "We're about to take these pirates on in order to gain free passage. As soon as our little urch--"

"WHAT did I tell you about calling me that!?" Kozo snapped.

"Not the face" Hector covered his face with his hands.

Kozo coughed, before holding his hands forward. His pendant started to glow, before dying down. Kozo opened his eyes. "Alright, here's the plan: The majority of us will face the pirates head on."

Cecil looked behind him, examining the weaponry as best he could. "Kozo, this sets the fact that you are, without a doubt, insane! Don't you know what they're weilding?"

"Of course. But you see, I didn't quite mean attacking them. I just meant staying in their line of sight, taunting them to approach. Meanwhile, two of our faster members will move outside of the city, sneaking their way to the dock."

"We can't sneak outside the city" Cecil huffed. "That's like cheating."

"It's part of the map, bubbo."

Cecil blinked, before pulling out one of his maps. "Damnit, he's right. Alright, shaman boy, who're we deploying?"

"We'll need some intimidiating people to keep the pirates at bay. So that'll be...Hector, Bartre, Dorcas, Sain, Raven, Kent and...I'm going to hate myself for this, but...Marcus. He is at least a paladin. Perhaps an upgraded class will knock some sense into these pirates."

Marcus grinned. "Now you're making sense."

"Even if he is a subpar paladin."

"Watch it..." Marcus frowned, and shook his fist.

"Right, now, for units we'll send the other way, I nominate Matthew and Guy."

"Hey, whoa, hold on" Matthew shook his hands. "My contract says nothing about going solo against ravenous brigands."

"You're not going solo" Kozo pointed out. "You got Guy with you."

"Still, I refuse to do this unless we have someone strong with us."

Kozo sighed. "Alright, but only because I can't bare the thought of either of you two getting a scratch on that perfect skin."

Guy and Matthew looked at each other, nervous. They gulped.

"Lyn, you go with them."

"I thought you said you'd give us someone strong!" Matthew pouted.

Lyn glared at Matthew, and drew her sword.

"I mean, she'll do fine!"

"Hey, what about me?" Eliwood asked.

"What about you, pansy boy?"

"I'm the hero, and I kinda need to be in the chapter, so what should I do?"

"Well...I dunno. Just stand around and attract fangirls/fanboys, I guess."

"Would it be alright if I was with the others intimidating the pirates?"

Kozo stared blankly at Eliwood, looking him up and down. "You call that intimidating?"

"And how about me?" Cecil asked. "As the other tactician, I deserve a bit of spotlight per chapter. I mean, you were featured more than me in the last battle."

"Alright, fine, you can go to the Old Sea Dog and get drunk off your ass."

"YES!" Cecil rushed off.

"Somehow, I knew that would work." Kozo turned his attention back to the others. "Alright, anyone who can use a lance, get them ready. Some more baddies will show up, and while they support neither side, they have a little thing against us."

"How do you KNOW all this stuff!?" Hector asked.

"It's like you're reading ahead" Eliwood pointed out.

"Someone has to know what's going on. Alright, everyone ready?"

"Let me just..." Marcus started, sorting through his things, looking for his sword and his lance.

"Go!"

As everyone got into position, Marcus had just got his things. "Hey! Hold it! Give some respect to the elderly!"

_Like that's gonna happen_ Kozo thought, rolling his eyes.

As Marcus was about to catch up with the others, a young man with short, purple hair, and soft, purple eyes came out. Although his similarity to Kozo ended there. He had a monacle over his left eye, long, gray robes, and a purple cloak. He carried a few books in his arms.

"Excuse me, sir knight" the man asked in a sterotypical scholar-gentleman voice. "But are you at all connected to that group having a staring contest with the scalliwags?"

"Among their number is my charge" Marcus explained.

"Well, I couldn't help but over hear them talking about passage to Valor. You're actually planning on going there?"

"Our mission involves going there."

"And that's why you're playing tag with the pirates?"

"Tag!? I....wait...you know, it could be considered that..."

The man laughed. "My name is Canas. I am a scholar and pursuer of knowledge. I was originally trying to arrange passage to Valor to continue my pursuit. Oh, now that I tell it to another, it seems sort of selfish, doesn't it?"

"Of course not, good scholar. The pursuit of knowledge is a highly noble cause."

Canas grinned. "I say, good paladin, would it be alright if I were to join you and your companions to Valor? I'd be most greateful."

"Well, I naturally have no objections, but our tacticians might need to know what you can offer to the team" Marcus shrugged.

"Well, I do practice the anicent magics. Which most of come to consider dark magic, which is a rather biased term, if I may be blunt."

_Oh great, ANOTHER shaman..._ Marcus thought to himself. _Well, at least he seems to be more polite than that street urchin Kozo._

Marcus nodded. "Welcome aboard, good sir Canas. A word of advice: Stay on your toes. Many of our party are...interesting folk."

Canas beamed. "Excellent. I'll just go say farewell to my wife and pack my things." With that, Canas left.

* * *

Matthew hopped from tree branch to tree branch. "I always got A's in gym" he said with a grin.

Lyn snuck in the shadows provided by the walls, and Guy was shifting from tree to tree, always from the back to hide himself. What they thought was a deserted part of the area was actually inhabited by three pirates.

"Choose your partners" Lyn said with a sadistic grin.

Guy rubbed his hands together, and Matthew sighed. "Must we be so quick to resort to violence? Why can we not just talk over our differences peacefully? That being said, dibs on the fat one. Should be easy enough to hit and avoid."

With that, the three leapt out of hiding, swords all drawn. The pirates raised their axes, and rushed in to counter attack.

* * *

The pirates shifted their stance, but made no movement ahead. Hector and Bartre were quivering in anticipation, waiting for the first move to be made. Eliwood stood, rapier drawn, but couldn't help from yawning occasionally.

"Aren't they going to do anything?" Sain whined. "This is getting boring."

"They must be waiting for the order to attack, as are we..." Kent muttered.

Dorcas seemed as silent and sullen as the pirates. Marcus's horse snorted, and shook it's head, while the paladin continued to stare down his foes. Raven sat down, crossed legged, his sword resting on his legs, as he stared daggers at...Hector. _Soon, in the confusion...it'll be one of the pirates, that's what'll be assumed. Ya...._

Suddenly, there was movement. Not by the pirates, not by the good guys, but by a small force of horsemen. A troubadour, three cavaliers and a paladin. The paladin had short, yet wavey purple hair, with a short, purple beard, and purple armor. He carried a long, curved sword.

The paladin chuckled. "Hmm...this should prove an interesting distraction." He blinked, notcing Eliwood among the party. He sneered. "Eliwood of Pherae! You do not know yet the true fear that is the Black Fang! Allow me to teach it to you!"

"B...Black Fang?" Kozo breathed, freezing up.

"Damnit, he froze up again!" Hector informed.

"Let's see, how do Matthew snap him out of it? ...Okay, but who can we get to willingly kiss him?" Eliwood wondered out loud.

"Are you sure he needs a kiss?" Marcus asked,taking out anaxe. "I'll be sure to snap him back to reality."

"No Marcus. No killing the tactician."

"Oh..."

Rushing in suddenly was Canas, carrying a load of books. "I'm back! I'm here!" he informed. "Don't start without me-eeee!" The scholar tripped, as his books were sent flying.

One of the heavier books landed on Kozo's head, seeming to knock him back to his senses. "Ow! What the hell hit...Oh, would you look at that?" Kozo picked up the book, and looked at the cover. "The Karma Sutra. Always wanted to see this, but...what would this be doing here?"

Canas gulped, and turned Kozo to face him. "You can keep it if you promise not to tell anyone the identity of it's original owner, alright?"

"Sold! 'sides, everyone here saw and heard it."

Canas freaked.

Kozo stuffed the book into his robes, before returning attention to the battle field. "Alright, that's it. Ignore the pirates, the horsemen are going down"

* * *

Matthew kicked off the corpse of the fat pirate, flipping a few feet away, and landing perfectly. Guy pinned his foe to the ground with his foot, and plunged the sword through the neck. Lyn nimbly dodged the axe swung at her, and kicked it back, nailing the pirate in the face. Unfortuneately for him, it was a double edged axe.

"That was too easy" Matthew laughed. "I wonder how the others are fairing?"

"We can only hope well" Guy pointed out. "If only for a little while longer."

Lyn sheathed her sword, and looked around, before her eyes fell upon a tall, gruff man with gray hair. "That's him!" she beamed. "That must be Fargus!"

The three still kept to the side, and made as much distence between themselves and the pirates as possible, while still keeping Fargus in their line of sight.

However, by keeping him in their line of sight, they entered his. The pirate captain noticed their approach. "Moon calves off the bow. Mates, up and at 'em!"

The pirates raised their weapons, and charged towards the three.

* * *

Kozo looked up from strangling the purple armored paladin with a bow, hearing that Fargus finally went on the offensive. But not at their team, but at the three he tried to have sneak towards him. "Guy! Matthew!" he cried, afraid of what might happen to the two.

He glared at the team. "Alright, guys! I can handle this loser. You guys saveMatthew and Guy!"

"What about Lyndis?" Eliwood asked.

"Yeah, I suppose her too..."

As the team started to spread out and attack, Kozo removed the bow from the paladin's neck, leaving a sore, curved indent on his neck. "Alright, bub, you crawl back to Brendan Reed, and tell him to get his act together, before I seriously have to hurt him and his little minions."

"Wait, you weren't being serious just now?" the paladin asked, whimpering.

"No. If I were being serious, you wouldn't even be able to ask me that question. Now beat it."

The paladin crawled out from under Kozo, got to his horse, and rode off, his companions following suit. Kozo returned his attention to the field.

The three horsemen were taking care of the two mages and the shaman, whilst everyone else had taken a single pirate each. Holding one of the pirates in a Full Nelson, Hector strained to look over the scalliwag's head. "Run, you three!" he barked.

Matthew, Lyn and Guy sprung into action, all three of them making a mad dash towards Fargus. The pirate chief smirked. "Might as well offer some resistence" he muttered. He swung his axe foward at Matthew.

The young thief flipped backwards, avoiding it. "Damn, can't get too close..." he muttered.

Guy rushed in from another angle: Fargus's left, and not head on. Fargus wasn't that big a doop, and swung his axe at the myrmidon. The green haired nomad side hopped out of the way.

While all that went on, Lyn was able to sneak in from behind. She leapt onto Fargus's back. "Got'cha!"

Fargus grinned. "Ya got me" he muttered under his breath. "Alright, lads!" he bellowed to his fellow sea dogs. "Stop!"

The pirates stopped struggling, while Eliwood and Co let go. The other two nobles approached.

"Well, that wasn't TOO hard..." Hector muttered.

"We won. So you'll be giving us passage?" Eliwood asked.

Fargus nodded, as Lyn got off his back, and stood next to Eliwood. Fargus beamed widely. "And might I know the young lady who was able to tag me?"

"Her name is Lyndis" Eliwood pointed out.

Lyn sighed. "I'm none too keen on pirates, but as you are giving us passage...I thank you from the bottom of my heart."

Fargus gasped. "You have a woman's bottom, milady!"

Hector held his head in his hand, exasperated. Eliwood groaned, rolling his eyes.

"I'll wager those round peaches never been fixed 'tween two planks to plug a leak, and save a sinking ship" Fargus assumed.

"...Certainly not, and I'm bloodyglad about it" Lyn said, eye brow raised. "What's wrong with women's bottoms anyway?"

"Not big enough, ma'am. Although..." Fargus's vision trailed downwards. "There are other means of compensation."

Lyn glared, before slapping Fargus. "Pervert!" she huffed, and turned away.

"Well, I suppose we should get ready" Eliwood shrugged. "We leave tomorrow."

Eliwood, Hector and Fargus left, to get their things ready for the trip. Lyn turned back to face the sea, and gulped, some sweat on her brow.

* * *

"I'm not going" Lyn said, arms folded, shaking her head. She and Florina were busy packing for the trip, Florina putting her clothesitemsin a large suitcase. "I'm just not going. I mean, I'd love to go, but someone has to stay and watch over grandfather. And I feel it's my duty as his granddaughter to..."

"Lyndis, are you hiding something from me?" Florina asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's like you're....I don't know...scared about going."

Lyn blushed a bit, then laughed. "That's funny Florina. You of all people should know that I'm not one of those namby pambys that cringes at the sight of water."

Florina took a cup of water, and offered it to Lyn, who yelped and jumped onto the chair. She closed her eyes and screamed. "Yes, yes, alright, I'm TERRIFIED!" Lyn slumped down onto the chair, looking downcast. "You see, Florina...when I was a wee baby, long before I met you, I fell into the river, and was attacked by an enraged school of halibut. Oh, you just gotta help me!"

"Y...you could h...hide..." Florina offered, timidly.

Lyn muttered the word to herself, before beaming. "Brillient! Where?"

Florina looked around, before beaming. "In the box!"

Lyn nodded, and crawled in. "Okay. Now, let's practice. Let's say Eliwood were to come in, and says _Hello, Florina. You haven't seen Lyndis, have you?_ And you say..."

"N..no my lord, I haven't s...seen her all day."

"Good." There was a knock on the door. "Here he comes!" Lyn closed the cover of the box.

Kozo entered, looking as cold as ever. "Hello Little Miss Nervous Wreck." He looked around. "Where the hell's Little Miss Temper Tantrum?"

"I...I w...wouldn't know. I h...haven't seen her all day..." Florina answered, meekly.

Kozo gave her an unamused glare. "Florina, you're her best friend. And more than likely much more than that."

"H...hey!"

"So she'd obviously come to you first to talk about today's events. Now you tell me, truthfully this time, where she is, or I will bring up bad memories of our LAST encounter..."

"She's hiding in the box!" Florina squeaked, scared.

Kozo walked over to the crate, and started kicking it's side. "Come on, Lady Hair Trigger. We'll miss the tide."

Lyn burst the opening of the box wide, and thrust a finger at Kozo. "I DO **NOT** HAVE A HAIR TRIGGER, YOU PHYCHOTIC...." Lyn stopped, and just glared. "Shut up. Just...shut up."

Kozo sneered, before noticing something around Lyn's finger. "Say, why's that on your finger?"

Lyn looked at her finger, and, seeing as it was one of Florina's short shirts, blushed, and shook it away. Kozo laughed a bit, and left.

Florina looked over at her blushing friend, a bit red herself. "Um, Lady Lyndis? Why was my shirt..."

"No reason! No reason!" Lyn answered quickly, before getting out. "I should probably go pack my stuff now so I'll see you on the ship Bye!" the noble nomad said in one sentence, as she raced out of the room.

"But...all of her stuff is in here"

* * *

Fargus, Hector, Eliwood, Kozo and Lyn sat around a table in the ship's cabin. Cecil was in a corner, groaning, clenching his head, and rocking back and forth. "Harr-harr!" Fargus laughed in a classical pirate manner, clenching a freash cup of ale.

"Arr-har-har-har!" Hector laughed, sounding almost like a real pirate.

"Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Eliwood laughed somewhat menicingly.

"Har-de-har-har" Kozo said non-chalantly, rolling his eyes.

All four of them looked at Lyn, who, arms folded over her chest, was looking away from them.

"Not joining us in the_ har-hars_, Lyndis?" Eliwood asked.

"No" Lyn said coldly.

"Is something wrong?"

"Yes, something is wrong!" Lyn shouted, bolting from her seat. "What's wrong is that we're all dead! We're doomed to a watery grave with a captain who's legless!"

"Rubbish!" Fargus snapped, interupting the nomad noble. "I haven't touched a drop!"

Lyn looked at Fargus, holding her hands up in a _hold on_ manner. "No, no. I mean, you haven't got any legs."

"Oh." Fargus looked down, and back up at Lyn. "Yes, you're right there. Carry on, sorry."

"Be at ease, Lyndis" Hector said cooly. "Fargus here's supposed to be one of the greatest pirates around. He's never lost his ship once."

"This being the same Fargus who kept comparing parts of your bodies to that of women, and the same Fargus who turned up 100,000 gold for a simple game of tag to earn us passage?"

"...Well, when you put it that way..."

"not so loud..." Cecil moaned to himself in the corner.

* * *

"It's that time again" Chibi-Zell said, beaming.

"The Wheel of Morality?" Bartre asked.

"No, that's when Yoshimo's grinning. Today, we're featuring the _Wheel of Randomosity_!"

"Oh, this should be fun" Yoshimo said, rolling his eyes, as Chibi-Zell gave it a spin. The wheel whirled away.

"Wheel of Randomosity, whirl whirl whirl. Give usa pairing and don't make us hurl!" Yoshimo and Chibi-Zell sang together, Yoshimo without any emotion at all, and Chibi-Zell with and excited tone.

It landed on Kozo. Yoshimo took hold of the next wheel, and spun it, landing on...

"Yay!" Kozo cheered. "Finally! I get to kiss Mattie!"

Matthew gulped. "Ah no..." He looked around frantically, in hopes to find a way out. "There's gotta be..." he spotted Guy. His eyes glimmered.

"W-What!? Why are you looking at me like that, Matthew? ...No way in hell!" Guy protested quickly.

"Aww, comeon. It's a favor. Besides, you can't refuse if I tell you that..." Matthew grinned.

"But... but..." Guy stuttered, then sighed. "Okay, fine, but I won't like it..."

"Yay! I get to kiss Guy!" Kozo cheered.

Guy groaned, stepping towards the stage. "Not again..." he griped, before Kozo grabbed him by both cheeks, and pulled him in. _Here it comes..._ Guy thought, eyes clenched shut, before...

Kozo gave Guy a short, quick peck on the lips. Guy kept his eyes shut, before opening one of them. "Is...is that it?"

"Oh, you wanted more?" Kozo teased.

"NO! ...I mean, no, but...knowing you..."

"Well, it's kinda bad for your conscience to kiss another guy when your boyfriend's watching..." Kozo pointed out, while pointing over his shoulder, to Acentine, who was glaring, arms crossed.

"Ooooh..." Guy nodded, before walking over to Acentine. "Thank you SO much for being here right now. How can I ever repay..." he stopped short, seeing Acentine breaking into a wide grin. "NO! Wait! Forget what I said!"

The nomad looked over at Kozo, who also had the same girn. Then back to Acentine. Then to Matthew, who mirrored the other's grins. Guy took off, screaming.

Kozo looked over at Matthew. "Is there something I should know?"

"No. I just love scaring him silly."

"I'm sure you do..."

"Well, that's all for today. I'm Yoshimo..."

"I'm Chibi-Zell..."

"And I'll get you next time, cutie..." Kozo grinned in Matthew's direction.

"meep."


	28. Chapter Seventeen: Pirate Ship

**Fire Emblem 7, The Parody  
Chapter 17: Pirate Ship**

Fargus's ship sails along smoothly. At last, they spot the fog-shrouded isle on the horizon. Eliwood's father is on the isle, as is the Dragon's Gate. As they draw closer to the isle, Eliwood no longer fears that his father might be one of the conspirators.

As the moment of truth draws near, Eliwood prays that his father is safe. Hector prays that this attack on the Dragon's Gate silences the rebellion and avoids a war. Lyn prays for the strength to face the challenges of the Dread Isle. Cecil prays for clarity of the mind so he may guide his friends to battle. And Kozo prays for...I'm not reading this. There is no way in hell that I am reading this.

* * *

Eliwood leaned over the bow of the ship, resting his arms on the rail, and his head in his arms. He sighed. Heavy foot steps approached, catching the red haired noble's attention. 

Fargus gave a smirk. "You don't get seasick, do you, laddie?" he asked gruffly.

Eliwood shook his head. "No sir" he answered polietly. "I'm fine." He then looked down, blinking. "Erm...when did your legs suddenly grow back?"

"They didn't" Fargus pointed out, popping off one of his legs. "These are just my walking legs." He popped it back into place.

"So...what was with the peg legs when we first met?"

"For show, really."

"Erm...pardon my changing the subject, but why did you allow us passage?" Eliwood asked.

"Well, it's a bit of a lengthly explanation. You don't mind, do you?"

"Not at all."

"Alright. Laddie, pirates are a strange breed. We can't resist a challenge. Something appears on the horizon, and we immediately set sail. Some dreams we conquer, others we abandon. ...I've grown old. I haven't had a good challenge in many a year. Then you mooncalves appear seeking passage to the Dread Isle. I was impressed with your courage. I think you may be the ones to survive the Dread Isle."

Eliwood had his head tilted back, snoring peacefully.

Fargus growled. "Hey! Wake up!"

Eliwood jolted. "Oh! Sorry...just uh...the calming rocking of the ship and the whole length of your speech kinda made me..."

"Ack, never mind...We're near the Dread Isle. I'll weigh the anchor, and..."

"Oh, you don't need to trouble yourself" Eliwood said with a joking smile. "I took care of that. It's 2 tons and 48 pounds."

Fargus gave Eliwood a glare.

"I was just trying to say something piratey..."

"Unless it's not stupid, your speaking privillages have been revoked."

"Oh man..."

"Hey! I said revoked!"

Eliwood opened his mouth to say "sorry", but timidly closed his trap.

"Anyway, we'll weigh anchor here, and and give you some rowing boats. Light some signal fire when you wish to return."

"Thank you" Eliwood said, before slamming his hands over his mouth.

"Don't worry, that was a smart thing for you to have said."

"Ahoy! Everyone!" Dart rushed in. "We spotted a dingy of port starboard bow."

"Off the what?" Eliwood asked.

"I don't know. I still haven't figured it out..."

"And you call yourself a pirate."

"We got it aboard!" Lyn informed, over the shoulders of a few other pirates. "It's a girl that I think should be a familiar face!"

Kozo, Eliwood and Hector all approached. Kozo stared blankly at the girl they had pulled aboard. "Ninian..." he breathed out. "Get your hands off her. I'll take care of this."

Lyn glared up at Kozo. "You tried to kidnap her last year! Why should we trust her in your care?"

"Because I'm the only male present who's not interested in her gully hole." Kozo gave a cruel smirk. "If anyone, I think you would be the one we shouldn't trust her with."

Fire erupted in Lyn's eyes. "What are you suggesting!" she snapped.

Ninian suddenly stirred in Kozo's arms. The shaman grinned. "She's waking up!" he informed. Eliwood knealt down next to them.

The dancer opened her eyes, and stared blankly at the two.

Lyn beamed widely. "Ninian! You're okay!"

Eliwood breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm so glad..."

Hector raised an eyebrow. "You know her?"

Eliwood nodded. "She's how Lyn and I met a year ago. I rescued her from a group of bandits."

"Whom were lead by you" Lyn said, glaring at Kozo meanly.

"What, not like I WANTED to hurt her..." Kozo responded. "You were the one who forced us to use force."

"Lyndis! Kozo! Just...shut up, will you?" Hector snapped.

Eliwood took Ninian from Kozo's arms. "Ninian" he asked gently, "are you okay?"

Ninian stared listlessly at Eliwood.

"Ninian, tell me, what happened?"

"..." Ninian remained silent.

"Ninian...how many fingers am I holding up?"

"..." The dancer continued to stare.

"This is bad. She's not responding to anything I say."

"Not too different from ordinary life, isn't it pansy-boy?" Kozo asked cynically.

"Oh shove it" Eliwood growled.

A pirate rushed over to Dart, and gave a report. Dart turned to face Fargus. "Captain, pirates ships are approaching from the northwest, flying a flag unknown to our watchmen."

"Are they approching in a hostile manner?"

"Indeed, captain. They're trying to come around to our sides."

Fargus spat. "These are our waters. Whoever they are, they're trespassing." He turned to face Eliwood and the others. "You watch your own hides. We're too busy to baby-sit ya."

* * *

"Captain Zoldam" reported a mercenary, rushing over to the captain of the ship. He was a cold man, with a long, olive green cloak, almost covering his whole body. What was shown on his face was a pointed noise, and a fine, orange beard. "The pirates are in range. The girl is probably on board." 

"Excellent" Zoldam said with almost no emotion. "Those pirates must be out of the way. Distract them, and they'll be easy pickings."

"Yes sir. Any specific way we should keep them busy?"

Zoldam gave a cutting motion with his arm. "Fire one of the cannons. They'll be so busy trying to plug the hole, they won't be able to defend themselves."

"Yes captain!" The mercenary rushed towards the other crewmen. "Alright, louts! Blast that ship, but keep the hole pluggable"

* * *

"Captain!" one of the pirates stumbled on to the deck. "The hull's been breached! We're taking on water!" 

Fargus snapped around to face the sailor. "Breached?" He growled, giving a sideways glance at the enemy ship. "These scum are more dangerous than I thought."

"This is bad, captain Fargus" Dart informed. "We need all hands below deck, or we're fish food!"

"You handle it" Fargus informed. "I'm going to carve these scallywags a new stomach!"

"The water's up to the gally. Please, captain. We need you!" the pirate who gave the report begged.

Fargus gave a low growl.

Eliwood handed Ninian off to Kozo. "Take her somewhere safe." He looked up at Fargus. "Leave the fighting to us."

Hector gave a laugh, and rested his axe over his shoulder. "Fighting is something we're good at! But a sinking ship? That's more in your department. So get down there, or I will make your afterlife an undead hell."

"We'll deal with things up here" Lyn assured, drawing her sword. "Please hurry!"

"Alright" Fargus nodded. "The deck is your's. I'll be back as soon as we've plugged the breach in the hull."

"We figured that. Now move!" Eliwood demanded, his rapier drawn.

As Fargus rushed to the hull of the ship, Cecil jumped in out of nowhere. "Alright!" he cheered. "Let's get this party started!"

"Great to have you, Cece" Hector smirked. "So, what's the plan."

Cecil suddenly plugged his ears. "Not so looooooud!"

Hector blinked. "Aren't people usually hung over for only a day?" he asked.

"Oh, you don't know how smashed this guy got" Lyn shook her head.

Cecil groaned a bit, before shaking his head. "Kozo" he said, looking over at the shaman, "could you please hand me your pendant?"

"It sees through everything, remember?" Kozo pointed out. "I thought you'd just go by instinct."

"You're right...where'd you get that thing in the first place?"

"Loud mouth over there gave it to me during one of our earlier missions."

"Loud mouth?" Hector shouted. "Who are you calling a loud mouth?"

Cecil walked over to Hector. "You wouldn't happen to have a spare, would you?" he asked.

Hector, still mumbiling under his breath ("Loud mouth, huh? I'll show him loud mouth"), handed Cecil a small, crystal pendant. The tactician slid it over his neck, and was instantly treated to a bird's eye view of the stage.

"Well, that's just great" Cecil groaned. "The enemy has two ships coming from both sides. One side is brimming with Shamans, while the other is coursing with swordsmen and archers."

"Well, Cece, what do you suggest we do?" Kozo asked sneedly.

"Fargus is going to need all his hands below deck, so we might as well get all our hands above deck" Cecil explained. "We'll just have to make sure that no one goes after enemies they can't handle. We won't send Oswin after the shamans, Florina after the archers, and so on and so forth."

Cecil looked over at Lyn and Eliwood. "Get everyone here, but our horsemen and Priscilla will have to go on foot."

"What about Florina?" Kozo asked. "On her pegasus, she's an open target."

"But unlike everyone else, without her pegasus, she'll be pulverized" Cecil explained.

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that" Lyn said cooly, cracking her knuckles. "Anyone tries to hurt her, I'll pound them to oblivion."

Cecil looked over at Lyn, eyebrow raised. "You've been very protective of Florina lately...is there something I should know about?"

"What? She's my friend. I don't want anyone in this group to be killed" Lyn explained. "I mean, if someone was about to kill one of you, wouldn't you jump in to save..."

"No" both tacticians answered together.

* * *

Soon, everyone was gathered, and taking battle positions. Sain was pouting, and sitting crosslegged near the mast. "This sucks" he said childishly. "Without my horse, how am I supposed to impress the girls?" 

Kozo came in from the side, and gave Sain a big 'ol hug. "You've already impressed me, Sainy" he said innocently.

"Yes...but you're not a girl."

"But I AM interested in you! That's a change!"

"A change for the worse, but yes, it is a change..."

Eliwood had his rapier in his right hand, had another in his left, and had a dagger between his death. He turned to address the team. "Snmpf grfp db FRBMX!" he shouted through clenched teeth.

His little speech earned him the eyes of everyone in the immediate area, although eyes of confusion. The response he got was also wasn't what he was shooting for. An answer of "What?"

"Alright guys" Cecil said, wearing earmuffs, "let's get 'em!"

Guy was the first one to act. He immediately grabbed a nearby rope, got on the rim of the deck, and kicked off. Giving a Sacean war cry, Guy swung over the heads of the enemy pirates. His scream of battle turned into a regular scream when he let go, and was flying over the opposite end of the ship, where he hit the water with a large splash.

"...We should probably take some slack out of the rope..." Cecil examined.

One of the enemy pirates took hold of a rope, and swung towards the team, bellowing his lungs out.

Bartre picked up a nearby, well placed rock. "I wonder if I can skip this baby..." With that, the fighter wound up, and let the stone fly. It smacked the enemy swordsman square in the forehead, causing him to lose grip on the rope, and plummeting into the water.

Dorcas smiled. "Nice thinking, Bartre."

"Looks like it doesn't skip far..."

"...You know what? Never mind."

Zoldam got onto the deck. "Lower the planks. Full charge."

Several wooden boards were placed, connecting the two ships. A gang of swordsmen and archers charged in from the planks.

Hector grinned evilly. "NOW things are getting interesting..."

_I got out my map and chose a place I wanted to go to ...Packed up my stuff, set out for adventure.  
I know that your lucky color is that cool shade of blue ...Won't mind painting myself blue for you.

* * *

_

Yoshimo glared up at the sound booth. Ryuu blushed, and gave an "oops"

* * *

The music cut short, and was replaced by the fight theme from Pirates of the Caribbean. "That's more like it" Hector grumbled, before raising his axe, and giving his charge. The swordsmen unfortuneate enough to be in his way were cut down to size. 

Erk shifted his hands around in a mystical manner, before snapping his eyes open. "Fire!" he shouted, throwing a ball of flame at an enemy archer. The bowman was incinerated.

Marcus swung his sword, letting out a grunt. He turned around, kicking an enemy swordsman in the side of the head. The paladin smirked. "Just because I'm old and without my horse doesn't mean I still can't kick your ass"

* * *

Meanwhile, over on the enemy ship... 

Kozo tossed his lure into the water. "Let's see if the cuties are biting..." he said happily. He soon felt a tugging on his line. He reeled it in, pulling Guy out of the water, soaked to the bone. The myrmidon looked disgruntled, and spat out a stream of water from his mouth, soon spitting out a fish as well.

A frog leapt out of Guy's shirt, and landed next to Kozo. "Ribbit" it croaked, before hopping up and down, making the sound of a somewhat rusty spring.

There was some bubbles coming to the surface of the water, causing both the swordsman and the shaman to look down. The water parted as a large, blue cat with black stripes leapt out of the water. "Froggy!" it shouted happily, landing on deck.

The frog jumpped back into the water. "Wait for me, Froggy!" the cat shouted, before jumping back in, making a big splash, making Guy wetter than before, and even getting some water on Kozo's robes.

"Good luck if anyone gets THAT joke..." Guy grumbled.

Kozo grinned. "You know, you look damn hot when you're completely soaked..."

"..." Guy took hold of the hook on his back, and yanked it up, tearing it away from his shirt. He splashed back into the water.

"Never can take a compliment..." Kozo shook his head.

* * *

The battle raged on. Once again, Erk passed out as Priscilla and Serra fought over who'd heal him. Once again, Matthew was more busy robbing the opponent's blind instead of stabbing them with his sword. And fora first, Lucius sat curled up in a ball near the mast. 

Raven rolled his eyes, and grabbed the monk's hand, pulling him to his feet, and dragging him into the battle. "Come on, Lucius. We need to fight!"

"B..but Lord Raven...you know I abhore violence..." Lucius stammered.

An enemy mercenary charged in, and swung his sword. Raven pulled Lucius out of the way, but not before the sword clipped off a lock of Lucius's hair.

"Are you okay, Lucius?" Raven asked.

"I'm fine. He only got my ha" Lucius froze, as he felt the back of his head. "My hair...he cut my hair...unevenly..." His eyes went blank.

Sain noticed all this going on, and walked over to the monk. "Um? Lucius? Yoo-hoo. Earth to Lucius." Sain waved his hand over Lucius's face.

Lucius turned to face the mercenary. "EAT PRETTY, BITCH!" He threw his hands forward, before a blast of pure light magic engulfed the swordsman. Although it didn't stop there.

"Oh no..." Zoldam muttered, as the spell screamed towards him and his ship. "Abandon shi..."

There was a large explosion, as a huge, mushroom cloud of water erupted where the ship once floated. Florina quickly pulled out an umberlla, and clicked it open, remaining perfectly dry while everyone else got soaked.

Cecil stared at the place where the ship used to be, mouth gaping. "And someone hasn't labeled him as a weapon of mass destruction yet WHY?"

At this time, Fargus, Dart, and the other pirates came up on deck. "We plugged the hole!" Fargus declared. "Now then, who wants to di" He looked around. The enemy was dead, and the ships were gone. "Where's everybody gone?" he asked.

"Well, we were having a very enthralling, eye catching sea battle here" Cecil explained, "but SOMEONE had to blow up the enemy in an anti-climatic show of power."

Raven looked up at Cecil. "Come now, he just suffered a major loss."

"For God's sake, he just got a hair cut."

"my hair..." Lucius whimpered.

At this time, Kozo and Guy had just returned to the ship, both drenched. Kozo seemed fine, but Guy had passed out. Kozo brought him on deck.

"It's no good" Matthew shook his head. "He looks like he lost a lot of air."

"He needs mouth to mouth!" Kozo declared, before moving in to give Guy his air.

As his lips approached the myrmidon's, Guy's hand snapped up, and blocked the shaman's advance. "Stop! I'm fine!"

Kozo beamed. "You're okay!" He gave Guy a tight hug. "I was so worried!"

"Um..yeah, I'm sure we all were. Now could you get off me? ...Please"

* * *

A while later, the young dancer stepped onto the deck. Lyn looked over, and started waving her arms. "Ah! Ninian! Don't come out here! There's still blood everywhere!" 

"Huh?" Ninian asked, looking up blankly at Lyn, and taking a few steps forward. She slipped on a trail of blood, and started to fall backwards. Eliwood caught her, his hands falling just under her breasts. Eliwood blushed.

"Hey! Pansy boy!" Kozo barked.

Eliwood turned a bit more red, and moved his hands down to her torso.

"That's better." Kozo walked over to the girl. "Are you okay, Ninian?"

Ninian looked up at him. "Nini...an? Is that my name?"

"Ninian, what happened to you?" Eliwood asked.

Ninian groaned. "My head's all foggy...am I at sea?"

Lyn nodded. "We found you adrift on a small boat..."

"...Why was I on a boat?" Ninian asked.

"Beats me" Lyn shrugged.

"Ninian, can you remember anything?" Eliwood asked.

"Ninian, do you have amnesia?" Cecil inquired.

"Ninian, where's Nils? Isn't he with you?" Lyn quipped up.

"Ninian, do you wanna go on a date sometime?" Sain requested.

"Umm... umm..." Ninian stammered.

"Back off, the lot of you!" Kozo shouted, bearing his fangs. The whole group jumped back. "Jeezus, christ, guys... she just woke back up and you're on her like a bunch of starving wolverine...type...thingies..."

Fargus approached the group. "Those dogs were after the girl. Do you plan on taking her with you? The men are worried that she's...cursed..."

Eliwood looked up at Fargus, appaled. "Are you suggesting we leave her behind?" he asked.

"We can't take her with us" Hector pointed out. "We're going to the bloody Dread Isle. It's dread for a reason, you know!"

"Now hold on" Kozo interupted. "You want me with you, right?"

"No!" Matthew and Guy yelped.

"Well, we need your tactical skills, and your shamanism..." Eliwood observed.

"Then she has to come with. No exceptions" Kozo held his hands over his chest.

"Well...fine. Do as you wish."

"Besides, we can't leave them behind without protection" Lyn pointed out. "I...I think I know those men as Black Fang."

Kozo froze up. "Ah dammnit, he's frozen again!" Cecil griped.

Eliwood looked over at Canas, who approached to hear what was going on. "Hey Canas, would you mind rebooting him? He's frozen up again."

"Certainly" Canas nodded, before taking out one of his books, and smacking Kozo over the head with it.

Kozo rubbed his sore noggin, and blushed a bit. "Sorry. It's just whenever I hear that name..."

"That's something I think you need to tell us about" Cecil interuppted. "Come on, Kozo. Why is it that whenever we mention Black Fang..."

Kozo froze again. Canas smacked him over the head again.

"You do that?" Cecil finished.

"Well...I guess I should come clean. See, it brings up bad memories. I used to be a...member of the Black Fang. Sure, there were some good times, but it wasn't enough to drown out the bad times..."

Cecil stared, gaping a bit. "Well...that explains it..."

"So, heh, now you know. So, shall we continue on our way?"

"Aye" Fargus nodded. "Alright, lads! Raise the main sail! Full speed ahead!"

Cecil shook his head. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, we're acting so casual about this? I mean, you used to work for the enemy!"

"_Used_ to, Cecil. Remember that" Kozo pointed out. "You'll need me for this. I know the inner workings of the Fang up to everything except the past year, when I left them."

"Well...it's best to know thine enemy. And you have an encylopedia on them. Alright, Kozo. Let's go"

* * *

Yoshimo beamed. "It's that time again!" 

"The time where we give food to the poor?" Bartre asked.

"The time where we think you're stark-raving mad?" Chibi-Zell asked.

"Nope. It's time to find out what we should've learned from today's chapter. And to find that, we turn to the _Wheel of Morality_!" Yoshimo took a hold of the wheel, and gave it a spin. "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn."

The wheel slowly came to a stop. "Moral number 3. And the moral of today's story is..._You can dance if you want to, but if you leave your friends behind they'll come back to get you after the party's over_. ...Well, that's an interesting moral..."

"But I think there's a lesson there for all of us" Chibi-Zell beamed.

"Right, so, that's all for today. Goodnight, everybody, and remember: You don't know Jack! ...Wait, wrong game..."


	29. Chapter Eighteen: The Dread Island

**Fire Emblem 7, the Parody  
Chapter 18: The Dread Island **

Eliwood and his companions have landed on the Dread Isle, with a new companion in their number. An egnimi...egnomi...engema...

"Enigmatic" Chibi-Zell pointed out.

I know what it says. An eniginematic girl named Ninian. The majority of the Island is covered in dense forest. Legend has it that no one has returned from these dark woods. A dense fog covers the party one by one. Cautiously, they advance. Little do they realize how screwed they are.

* * *

"Hold on" Fargus asked the group to stop. Eliwood turned around, blinking. 

"What is it, Captain Fargus?"

"I've got a dope here who wants to do some sightseeing. He'd like to come with you."

"I don't see why not" Cecil shook his head. "Who is he?"

"Dart! Front and center!" Fargus barked.

Dart rushed over to Fargus, and gave a salute. "Sir!"

"His main advantage is his sturdiness. Maybe he'll come in handy."

"Maybe? Ha! I WILL come in handy, I say!"

"Of course you will..." Kozo muttered to himself.

* * *

A man shrouded in black robes stood tall before his prisoner. He wore a long red, gold and black tunic that reached his ankles, and a dark violet turban which also covered his left eye. His other eye was a shaded teal colour, and he had a pointed, teal goatee. He waggled his finger, and clicked his tongue. "Shame. Shame. Bad Marquess Pherae. You freed both the boy and the girl?" 

A man with short, kept red hair coughed, clenching his shoulder gingerly. He wore a noble purple suit, with gold and blue embroidery. He had fiery red eyes, and a wild red moustache. "I will not let you go unopposed" he growled.

Darin was pacing around, griping his face panickingly. "What are we going to do?" he cried. "Without the kids, we can't complete the ceremony! We're finished! Toast! Game over, man, game over!"

Elbert glanced over at the fallen noble. "How many times do I have to tell you, Lord Darin?" he asked. "You're being used by this man. By helping bring dragons back into this world, you're helping him destroy all mankind. Does any of this make sense to you?"

Darin stopped in his panicked rambilings, and just laughed. "Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha! Destroy mankind? Sure they were a pain in the royal arse in the past, but oh no, not this time 'round! Cause big boss Nergal can control dragons! We've got NOTHING to worry about!"

"Lord Darin...oh I give up. I don't even know why I'm trying to help you..." Lord Elbert groaned.

"You know, this is why you should always have a plan B" Nergal shook his head. "I'd plan on starting a war in Lycia. I was hoping I could gather up a lot of FORCE in one fell swoop, but oh no. Thanks to sure incompetence of Lord Dingus here..."

"That's him, right?" Lord Darin asked, pointing to Marquess Pherae.

"...Yeah, you think that. Anyway, thanks to the sure incompetence of Lord Dingus here, that plan's now a complete flop. But I have other means."

"You black hearted fiend..." the Marquess Pherae growled, before Nergal raised a quick knee to his gut. "OOF!"

"Hold your tongue, worm" Nergal growled. "There is still a task I need you to do for me." Nergal backed up a few paces, and snapped his fingers. "Limstella! Ephidel! Attend me!"

Suddenly appearing in a wisp of air was Ephidel, his cloak, as usual, covering his face. Beside him was a female, with long, silky black hair with gray highlights. She wore a white sorcerer's gown, with a black, waist length tunic with red and gold embroidery.

Nergal smirked. "My beloved Morphs. My perfect creations. I've new jobs for you, my pets. Limstella, you are to go to Bern and contact Sonia. I want you to arrange a meeting with the king."

"Understood" Limstella said flatly, before vanishing in another whisp.

"Ephidel, take this...man, Marquess Laus, and exterminate the mice that have landed on the island" Nergal ordered.

"Yes, master" Ephidel nodded, before vanishing as well.

Marquess Laus smirked, and saluted. "I get those twerps covered, boss!" With that, he marched off to gather his weapons.

"And that leaves...you" Nergal said, looking around and pointing at Marquess Pherae. "It seems that your legacy is one of endurance."

"What are you yammerin'..." Marquess Pherae asked.

"The mouse who interfered with my conquest of Lycia is named Eliwood. Should he get a cookie for making it this far?"

"What? No, leave my son out of this! Do what you will to me, but give him the cookie!" Marquess Pherae begged.

Nergal interrupted the Marquess with a laugh. "You know those siblings you freed?" Nergal said after his laughter died down. "Hee hee, this is the real clincher: The girl's here too. And she's with Eliwood, no doubt. Can you taste it? It's the sweet, sweet taste of irony."

"...Well, this throws a wrench in my plans..."

"Let's see, Eliwood will die in the woods, the girl will return to me, the ceremony will take place, and we'll be back home in bed by eight." Nergal gave a sideways glance at Marquess Pherae. "Except you. You? You'll make the perfect sacrifice." Nergal turned his back to Marquess Pherae, and took a few steps towards the door to the room. "Well, I'm off to take care of a few things. Ta ta." With that, Nergal teleported away.

* * *

Leila peeked from around the corner, biting her lower lip. "I have to inform Lord Hector" she muttered. She turned around to rush off, only to see Ephidel staring her right in the face. "Eya!" 

"Hello, Leila" Ephidel said with a cold smile. "What are you doing this fine day?"

"I, uh...well, it's a funny story, see..."

"You weren't spying on us, were you?"

"Erm..."

"You weren't planning on running back to Marquess Ostia's brother and telling him all about our plans, were you? You weren't planning on telling him our one weak point that would easily cause us to fall to shambles, were you?"

"No, actually, I was..." Leila tried to lie.

"Well, we can't go around having that, now, can we?" Ephidel asked. He clapped his hands. "Oh Jaffar..." he called.

"Ah crap..." Leila mumbled, as she backed away a few steps, before bumping into something. She yelped, and jumped to face the one she bumped into. Staring her in the eye was a man with spiked, red hair, and a long, tattered gray cloak

The assassin glared her down, as she backed away. "The punishment for death is treachery."

"..." Leila raised an eyebrow.

"...I mean...you know what I mean..." Jaffar groaned, before taking out his dagger, and rushed at Leila. She dodged to the side, causing Jaffar to miss. The assassin turned on a dime, and lunged, thrusting his sword at Leila. She tried to dodge again, but Jaffar's sword cut a large gash in her side.

Leila let out a scream as blood poured out. She fell to her knees, gripping her side gingerly. "M...Matthew..." she whimpered, before falling flat on her face.

Ephidel gave a laugh, and applauded. "Well DONE Jaffar! You truly are the Angel of Death!" He examined Leila, pondering. "Now then, what to do with the body..."

"Perhaps we could string her up in the forest?" Jaffar suggested. "That way, if the pests bump into her, they'll be demoralized. Especially their other spy, Matthew."

"No...I think I have a better idea..." Ephidel said, smirking.

* * *

"Eyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Jaffar screamed, as he fell off the cliff. 

"Done, and done" Ephidel said, brushing off his hands.

"Sir, I think you threw off the wrong body" said a nameless member of the Fang.

"Hmm?" Ephidel looked to his side. Leila's body was still lying on the ground, and Jaffar was missing. "Oh...damnit all." Ephidel pouted, before scooping up Leila's body, and tossing it off.

"Eyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Leila screamed, as she fell.

"Did you just hear a scream?" that same Fang member asked.

"Can't say I did" Ephidel shrugged, walking away from the cliff. "So, what's cooking tonight?"

"Well, the cooks and I were planning a nice, beef stroganoff, with some three bean salad on the side. And maybe some bread rolls to go with it?"

"Whatever it is, just make it edible this time 'round."

"Okay, one time that happened! One! Time"

* * *

Ninian perked her ears, and looked straight ahead. "Beware! Something's coming!" she warned. 

A sound was heard in the forest. The sound of a horse galloping. And rightly so, as a brown stallion leaped out of the woods, and blurred right past Lyn, scooping her up.

"H...hey! Put me down this instance!" she demanded.

The horseman came to a stop, allowing everyone to get a good look at him. He was a tall man, even when he was sitting. He wore a blue bandana, and a purple, nomadic outfit, the sides aligned with golden seams. He had pale skin, with a thin, light brown fuzz on his chin and the small of his cheeks. There was a quiver on his back and a sword at his side.

"Lyndis!" Eliwood let out, stepping forward, rapier drawn.

"Lyn-sama!" Florina cried out, stepping forward, holding out her lance.

"If you value your life, I'd suggest you put her down, now!" Hector demanded, holding his axe towards the nomad in a threatening manner.

"And if you value her's, I'd suggest you hand over the girl with the sky blue hair" the nomad ordered. "And I'm not fooling around."

Lyn choked a bit, as the man had a firm grip around her throat. "You're...you're a Sacaen, aren't you?"

The nomad gave a cold smile, and nodded. "Correct. I am Uhai, of the Black Fang. I have been sent to capture the girl, and eliminate those who trespassed on this island. However...if you were to hand her over peacefully...I will let you leave with your lives."

"And what if we refuse?" Eliwood jaunted, holding onto Ninian, protectively.

"Pansy boy!" Kozo snapped at Eliwood.

"Sorry." Eliwood moved his hand down to Ninian's waist instead of under her breasts.

"...You have no idea what you're getting your sorry lot into" Uhai shook his head. "No idea of Nergal's terrible power. To go up against him shows your ignorance. You are insects going against the heavens. Speak no more foolishness, and begone!"

"You're the one filling up most of this conversation..." Hector grumbled to himself.

"Maybe we don't know what we're fighting..." Eliwood answered in kind, "but if we leave now, our loss is assured."

"So we'll take our chances, and who knows?" Cecil pointed out. "We might just pull through."

"...Folly" Uhai mumbled, loud enough that they could hear him. He held his arm out, which was being gnawed at by Lyn. "I'm letting you go, now. You can stop biting."

Lyn blinked, and released. She dropped, and landed on her behind. Quickly getting up, and brushing herself off, she asked, "Why are you letting me go? I wasn't biting that hard yet."

"Holding a woman hostage is shameful" Uhai explained. "You, too, are of Sacae, and I will show you mercy here. I will let you die fighting. But rest assured, I will kill you all here." The nomad beamed widely. "But be in good cheer. In death, you will avoid the calamity that Nergal will bring."

"Oh sure, I can feel happy. I'm about to DIE" Cecil said sarcastically.

With that, Uhai rode off into the fog.

"Ninian, go and hide" Eliwood instructed. "We'll face the enemy."

Ninian nodded deafly, and ran over to Kozo's side, as it was his turn to stay at the back as tactician.

"You're okay!" Florina cheered, rushing up to Lyn and hugging her tightly.

Lyn flushed a tad, and squirmed her way out. "Yeah, well, I would've gotten away even if he hadn't let go" she explained.

"By chewing his arm off?" Kozo asked.

"Something along those lines."

Cecil looked over at their oldest team member. No, not Merlinus, Hannah. "Alright, miss Fortune Teller lady, what's in store for us?"

Hannah was busy grumbling and complaining. "Bringing a poor, old woman to the Dread Isle. You should be more careful of my frail, little self. I'm not young, you know. I'm not sixty."

"Hannah..." Kozo let out venomously.

"Oh, right, the augury. Come on, sonny boy, pay up." She pulled down the shoulder of her cloak, revealing the coin slot.

"See, this is one of the reasons I don't like women..." Kozo muttered underneath his breath, as he put in five gold coins.

Hannah pulled up her shoulder, and spread her arms wide. She smiled, and looked up. "I see it now. Fog. There will be lots of fog."

"No shit" Cecil said to himself.

"You will need thieves and torches. Lots of torches."

"Got it covered" Matthew beamed, holding up a box of torches. "Just light a match and start the fire!"

"I sense a foe who carries a strange item...the thief will come in handy. But watch your possession, because he will not be the only rogue in the area. Hmm...bring the orchid haired girl. Someone close to her should appear."

"She's already right here" Kozo pointed out, thumbing towards Lyn.

"Shadap."

"Also, beware of the little pest who will arrive in one minute and forty two seconds." She lowered her arms. "That is all I see."

"Once again, your divining skills astound me..." Kozo said sarcastically. "Alright, we know for sure that you four are going in" he pointed out, looking over at the three nobles and Cecil.

"It's a given" the spear wielding tactician shrugged with a smile.

"And thanks to Hannah, we know you two are going in" Kozo said, pointing to Florina and Matthew. "So...who else do we send in to battle? I suppose we could always use a healer, so Serra, you're in. Guy, Sain, Canas, you guys are going in as well. Let's see...I suppose we should bring Merlinus, since we might need supplies...Erk, you're coming in as well."

"No. No, dear god, no, don't make me go in there with...her!" Erk begged.

Before Erk could put in further argument, there was the sound of rustling in the bushes. Eliwood looked towards the foliage. "Who goes there?" he demanded.

A few seconds passed, before a little figure came out of the bushes. He was garbed in a forest green cloak, and wearing a muddy brown tunic. At either side, he carried a rapier. He pulled his hood down, revealing a somewhat puggish face, with thin, brown hair, and a brown beard forming on his chin. "Who wants to know?" he asked.

"I am Lord Eliwood of Phreae. Now, little man, tell us: Are you with the Black Fang?"

"Well, I do tend to swing by their headquarters every now and again. Their meatloaf's pretty good, and you'll just die for the..."

"Then you're with them! Have at thee!" With that, Eliwood charged, and thrust with the rapier...only to miss. "..What the? Okay, let's try this again." He thrust forward again. And again, he missed. "Okay, this isn't funny..."

"I think it is" the little man beamed. "Now it's my turn!" He folded his arms over his chest, and leapt at Eliwood. He pulled his two arms back, slashing at the red haired noble's chest.

"Ack!...good shot...just give me a minute...Serra"

* * *

One Healing Spell later... 

"Okay, let's try this again." Elwiood sighed, before shifting to a fighting stance. "En Guarde!"

"Guard on!" the little man chirped, leaping at Eliwood again and stabbing him in the gut with a rapier.

"But it was my turn"

* * *

One Mend Staff later... 

"Okay, I think I see the problem here..." Eliwood noticed, as he oberserved two little windows at his feet. He bent down, and rearranged some of the numbers. "There we go."

"Hey!" the little man complained.

Eliwood. Hit Chance: 79. Damage: 15. Critical: 2(former Hit Chance)  
Unknown. Hit Chance: 100. Damage: 0. Critical: 19

"Now we're ready." Eliwood raised his rapier, and charged. He stabbed the little man in the shoulder. "How do you like that? Huh?"

"Wow, would you look at that?" Matthew pointed out, reading from the walkthrough. "This guy has a 1-Hit-Kill ability."

"A what? ...What am I worried about? He only has a 19 Critical Chance."

The little man changed around some numbers.

"Okay, 91...but still, that's only a quarter of a chance, so what are the odds that--GAH"

* * *

One Phoenix Down later... 

"Okay, that's it. I give up. Hector? You take him."

"Got it. This little punk's going down!" Hector charged, and swung his axe.

"You know, I'm over here" the little man pointed out, standing behind Hector.

"...Right. Right. YAH!" He swung his axe in a different direction.

"Nope. Still behind you."

"Okay, this isn't right. I mean, look!" Hector pointed at his window. "I have a 100 chance to hit him!"

"I see a negative sign..." Kozo observed.

"Ah, damnit--GAH!"

"Huh. Two one hit kills in one chapter" Cecil noted. "What are the odds"

* * *

A second Phoenix Down later... 

"Okay, Lyn, you're up" Eliwood groaned.

"Wait a minute, guys, are we even sure this person..."

"Gnome" the little man pointed out.

"...is with the Black Fang? All he said was that he hung around near their headquarters."

"And eats meatloaf" the gnome continued.

"Right. Ergo, he's with them" Eliwood pointed out.

"Ergo...ergo...ergo..." Hector groaned into the dirt, completely out of it.

"Let me handle this." Lyn knelt down next to the gnome. "Who are you, anyway?"

"The name's Winny, Winny Gnome." He straightened out the collar of his cloak.

"Winny Gnome Winny?" Serra asked.

"Where'd the extra Winny come from?" Erk asked in response.

"Well, he had a comma after the first..."

"You know what? Forget it."

"Are you with the Black Fang?"

"Well, they've got great meatloaf, and their dental plan is the best I've seen, but I'm really not interested with the whole kill or be killed principle. And I don't think Nergal likes me."

"Why?"

"Well, you steal one guy's bagel, and he's got a whole squadron of goons after you. I mean, sure it had all the works, but it was a little bagel."

"Shopping is fun..." Hector groaned, still out of a loop.

"Could someone snap him back to reality?" Cecil asked.

"On it" Kozo assured, walking over to Hector with a board with a nail through it.

"So, if you're not in league with the Black Fang," Lyn continued, "what do you think about helping us defeat them?"

"Hmm..." Winny pondered. He hummed and hawed, tapping his foot and looking everywhere for a good five minutes. "Eh, why not? They're the ones that destroyed my boat and kept me stranded on this island."

"It took you that long to decide?" Lyn asked, unbelievingly.

"No. I figured that part out in thirty seconds. It's just that my mind is easily distracted and-Albatross!"

"Oh, never mind" Lyn sighed. "Look, we need your help getting around this island. You look like you might know your way around."

"Certainly!" Winny beamed. "Just follow me, I'll take you to their headquarters!" With that, the little gnome rushed off.

"Wa-wait!" Lyn shouted out to him. "We're kinda in the middle of something, could you wait until--!"

"I think he's gone" Cecil pointed out.

"So, what do you suggest we do now?" Hector asked, rubbing his behind. Kozo smirked, hiding the board with a nail behind his back.

"Well, I figure we should try to stay close together, just in case--" Cecil started.

"Hey, I'm the one in charge here" Kozo snapped, interrupting Cecil. He coughed, getting everyone's attention. "Stick with a partner, you'll never know when someone will jump out of the woods. Everyone, pick your partner."

Erk instantly latched onto Canas. "I'll go with you, provided I don't have to interact with...HER!" Erk begged, pointing fearfully to Serra.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, Erky!" Serra teased, before the second tactician grabbed her by the back of the collar.

"I'll take Serra" Cecil pointed out, dragging her off. "You owe me later, Erk."

"Noted." With that, Erk and Canas left to the left.

Matthew took a hold of Guy's arm. "Alright, slave boy, you're with me."

"What? Do you know what kind of message that'll send to that guy's head?" Guy complained.

"Well, if I'm with you, he'll think we're flirting, so he'll leave us alone" Matthew explained, dragging Guy off.

"But...but...but..." Guy blubbered, being dragged off.

Florina instantly rushed over and stood by Lyn's side. "I'll go with Lyn-sa--" she started.

Kozo grabbed her, and yanked her to him. "You're with me and the pirate boy to protect Merlinus and Ninian" he said coldly.

"But...but then who will Lyn-sama go with?"

Sain beamed widely, and rubbed his hands together.

"Oh, she can go with pansy-boy. He could use the protection" Kozo said tauntingly.

"I can take perfectly good care of myself!" Eliwood snapped at the shaman.

"Oh, like when you took care of yourself while fighting that gnome?"

"Oh, shut up. Lyndis, let's go." With that, Eliwood stormed off, Lyn close by.

"And I guess that leaves Sain to go with Hector. You'd better take care of him, loud mouth" Kozo ordered.

"LOUDMOUTH!" Hector bellowed. He started screaming curses at Kozo, as Sain dragged him off.

"Ahem..." coughed a voice from behind. Kozo blinked, and looked over his shoulder. Standing there was Wil, his arms folded over his chest. "And what do the rest of us do?"

"I would've gone with Erk..." Priscilla said to herself dreamingly.

"At least he has SOME respect around him..." Raven muttered.

"You can...I dunno...help us with protecting Merlinus and Ninian, you could play games for all I care. Just be sure to stick with us. After this battle, we head for the Black Fang headquarters."

Marcus and Kent immediately took post. A few moments later, Dorcas also went into guard-mode. Everyone else started screwing around. A card game had started between Bartre, Raven and Lucius. Rebecca was off casually flirting with Lowen, and Wil was glaring at them from behind a crop of bushes.

* * *

"We have to be careful, Serra" Cecil pointed out. "We don't know where that thief is that Hannah warned as about. Or what else is hiding in these woods." 

Serra nodded, actually quiet for once, and clinging to her only form of protection at the time: Cecil.

Meanwhile, hiding quietly in the bushes, a man cloaked in deep blue smirked. He slithered through the bushes, getting into position. He then sprung, sword out and ready.

It was as though it was all in slow motion. Serra spotted the man lunging for her out of the corner of her eye. She let out a scream, before clinging to Cecil tightly, and spinning him between her and the assailant. Now, Cecil was holding his lance in such a way, that the blade connected with the handle, right between Cecil's hands.

Both the assailant and Cecil were a bit shocked. Cecil quickly sprang into action, lifting his legs, he kicked the rogue in the chest, sending the foe recoiling a few feet. Cecil then squirmed his way out of Serra's grip, and charged at the thief. Now, the thief was no idiot, and quickly tried to escape.

"I don't think so!" Cecil shouted, before stopping. He weighed his lance in his hand, and aimed his best. He then threw the lance like a javelin, and...missed completely.

"Ha! You missed!" The thief taunted, looking over his shoulder. "You'll never catc--"

BAM!

The thief ran head first into the butt of the silver lance, leaving a bruise on his forehead. He was lucky not to have cracked his skull, but he was still sent to the ground, gripping his head, breathing rapidly and seething.

Cecil used this to his advantage, and closed the distance between the two. He bent down, and relieved the squirming thief of his sword. "Funny how the thief is getting robbed" Cecil pointed out, before bouncing the little sword in his palm. He then gripped the handle, and slit it across the thief's neck.

Cecil pulled his lance out, and pantsed the tiny sword, before he heard Serra scream again. Cecil perked, and rushed back towards her. "Serra!"

The cleric girl was confronted by a trio of nomads, armed with bows, all aimed at her. She was whimpering, her arms raised. Cecil growled, and came to a stop in front of her. "If you want to harm her, you'll have to kill me first!"

The nomads looked at each other, and nodded. Cecil groaned. "I really, I really, I REALLY should've worded that better..."

Five seconds later, Cecil was running through the forest at top speed, dragging Serra along by the arm. "New strategy: RUN LIKE HELL!" he screamed. A rain of arrows landed behind them, and the nomad were coming after them fast.

* * *

Eliwood thrust his rapier forward, before swinging it upwards. "Ah-ha!" he laughed out, before spinning around, and impaling the opponent with his back to them. 

Lyn blinked, and looked over at Eliwood, still effortlessly blocking and slashing at her opponent. "Well, you've gotten better" she commented.

"I won't be humiliated like that again" Eliwood said coldly, before slashing rapidly at the next shaman's face. Over the shaman's screams of pain, Eliwood continued. "I won't be made a mockery of!" He held his sword to his chest, looking skywards. A patch of fog parted, causing a beam of sunlight to shine on the young noble. "I will fight to protect those I love!"

WHAM!

A pirate's fist connected soundly to Eliwood's jaw, sending the noble flying into a tree. The fog bunched up again, blocking the sunlight.

* * *

"So, how's the wife?" asked the pirate to the cavalier, before sipping his coffee. 

"Oh, it's just been horrible" the cavalier sighed. "Two weeks ago, the wife left me for another man, a sniper I believe. And she didn't take the kids, which I thought could work for me. Instead, they get kidnaped by a swordmaster, and, get this, they love it at his place. They say he's been a better father than I could ever be."

"Harsh..."

"I failed to pay the rent on my apartment, so now I'm living in the Black Fang bunkers. And now I have to live off of mooching other members. I've really hit rock bottom." The cavalier then smiled. "But now, the only way I can go is up!"

ELFIRED!

The cavalier lay on the ground, turning into ash. Erk and Canas rushed in, their hands glowing with magical energy. "Feel the fury of team magic user!" Erk said evilly, before throwing another Elfire. Canas followed up with a classic Flux spell. The pirate met the same fate as the cavalier.

"Oh, that was too easy!" Erk laughed.

"Wait, what's this?" Canas wondered, kneeling next to the toasted pirate. He pulled out a black tome, and brushed some of the ashes off. He flipped through some of the pages. "This looks...this looks like the spell of Nosferatu. Why would a pirate be carrying this?"

"Maybe he dual classed into a shaman?" Erk kidded, with a joking smirk.

The two magic users laughed, before Canas noticed a few other things. "A Flux tome...some magic components for spells...a monacle..."

The shaman and the mage looked at each, nervous. "I wanna dual class" Erk said, after a somewhat awkward pause.

* * *

Florina huffed, her arms folded across her chest. "Stupid Kozo and his stupid orders..." she pouted. 

Kent looked down at the pegasus knight. "Perhaps he just didn't want you to miss out on seeing this person who's important to you" he offered.

Florina huffed again, and looked at her feet. "Who could be more important than Lady Lyndis?" she asked.

"Indeed..." Kent nodded slowly.

Suddenly, there was a furious beating of wings. Florina looked up, and saw a pegasus flying towards them. She gasped. "Could it..."

The pegasus, apparently looking tired, touched down near the group. The pegasus whinnied in pain, as it looked gingerly at its leg. The rider got off, and started digging through her bag for first aid equipment. The rider had short, aquamarine hair, with eyes of equal pigment. She wasn't very tall, almost a full head underneath Kent. She wore armour similar to Florina's, although it was more formal, well kept, and was a deeper shade of blue.

The presence of this woman was enough to bring Florina out of her sour mood. Her eyes glistened, and a wide smile spread on her face. "Sister? Fiora!" She rushed over to the woman, and leapt at her with her arms wide.

Fiora looked up, and dropped her equipment. She smiled in response, and caught Florina. "Florina! It has been a long while! What are you doing here?"

"I'm here with Lady Lyndis. What are you doing here?" Florina asked in kind.

"I am here to investigate the Dread Isle at a noble's request."

"By yourself?" Florina asked, with an innocent tilt of her head.

"No. I had a full company of fellow knights. We were attacked..."

"You don't mean..."

"...I misjudged our situation" Fiora explained, letting go of Florina. "Only two of us escaped...the rest are dead because of me...I'm a failure..."

"Don't say that!" Florina yipped up. "You're a splendid pegasus knight! I chose to become a knight because I admired you so much! Please, don't...don't beat yourself up like this!" Florina sniffed, some water falling to her cheeks.

"Florina...please don't cry." Fiora wiped a few knuckles across Florina's cheek, wiping the tears away.

Florina gasped a bit, and looked at the ground, ashamed. "I'm...I'm sorry..."

"No, it's my fault. The pain of being the sole survivor...it had me trapped..." Fiora smiled brightly. "Thank you, Florina. I can see clearly now."

Florina smiled in kind, before putting on a pondering face. She scratched her chin, before getting an idea. "Fiora! Come and travel with us! It's better to travel with friends then to struggle alone!"

Fiora thought a bit, before smiling. "You're right. I hate to admit it, but I can't do everything alone. Nor can I render my companions sacrifices moot by going home. Florina, please introduce me to your commander. I'll see if I can offer my services for a short time."

Florina nodded. "Well, Cecil's off in the battle field, and Kozo's gone off somewhere, but when they return, I can introduce you!" She looked down at her sister's pegasus. "What happened to Duey?"

"During our retreat, one of the Fang got mad and threw a rock at his leg. It must've been a hard toss, since Duey can't support himself on his front left leg."

"I'll take care of it, then" Florina insisted. "Go on, walk around and familiarize yourself with the group."

Fiora nodded, and walked off, allowing Florina access to the first aid materials.

* * *

Kent sighed, as he looked around, arms folded over his chest. 

"Been rather quiet, hasn't it?" Marcus asked.

"You snake!" Raven shouted. "You've been hiding cards in the back of your headband!"

"What? It must've been an accident!" Bartre protested.

"How could you ACCIDENTLY have cards in your headband? You cheating dog, prepare to die!"

"No Lord Raven! It's not ri--"

WHOOSH! There was an audiable swing of an axe, although it didn't seem to hit anything.

"Are you okay, Lucius?"

"He...he sliced at my hair...YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

KA-BLAM!

"Yes, it has" Kent nodded. He continued looking, before his eyes stopped.

She walked by. The goddess of pure beauty walked by. With her hair, shining even in the fog, and her serious, but kind eyes. Her perfect shape, her perfect curves, Kent couldn't help but watch.

_I believe in miracles...where you from? You sexy thing (sexy thing, you) _

Kent watched as the woman of his dreams continued to walk by.

Vrrzzt!

_Under the Sea...under the sea...darling it's better, down where it's wetter, take it from me... _

Kent glared over at Wil, who was listening to the stereo, doing a little mambo.

Wil got the gist of it, and stopped. "Sorry." He set the song back to what it was previous.

Kent kept his glare.

"What? I like that song."

Glare.

"Leave me alone! Don't judge me!" Wil ran to the nearest tree, scurried to the highest branch, and started crying.

* * *

Uhai smirked, as the group approached him, weapons ready. "So, you've bested the Black Fang I dispersed to kill you. Admirable." 

"Wasn't too hard" Hector smirked, popping his neck.

Eliwood held his rapier forward. "But enough of the pleasantries. It's about time for you to die."

"Oh, I don't think I'll be dying any time soon" Uhai smirked. "I predict that by when this is over, I'll have trouble stepping over your corpses that litter the ground."

"Do you honestly think you can win against all eight of us?" Lyn asked, arms folded over her chest.

"No. Probably not all of you...at once."

"What are you imply--"

"But true to theatrical form, I know that you'll attack me one at a time, extending the fight scene and giving each member of your team a chance at the spotlight."

"That is just the stupidest reasoning..." Lyn started.

"Me first!" Sain cheered, raising his hand.

Lyn sighed.

Sain took out his sword, and urged his horse into a gallop. He swung his sword around above his head, approaching Uhai. The nomad smirked, and raised his own sword calmly.

CLANG! The swords clashed against each other. Uhai, not even trying, was able to keep Sain at bay. He then pushed forward, causing Sain to lose a bit of balance. The nomad trotted by, and pushed Sain off his horse, and into a mud puddle.

The green knightsquirmed a bit, before getting on his knees, and glaring at Uhai. "Not funny!"

Erk started shifting his hands around, magic glowing and pulsating between them. He then threw his hands forward at Uhai. "Elfire!"

The nomad flipped so that he was sitting on his horse's belly. The fire ball flew off into the forest, and Uhai flipped back into position. Erk snapped his fingers in disappointment. There was an explosion and a scream deep in the woods. "...Oh yeah, Elfire activates on a snap"

* * *

Meanwhile... 

Cecil looked up from his hiding place. The nomads who were previously chasing after him and Serra were now busy running in circles, on fire.

"Well, that was lucky"

* * *

"I'm on!" Hector beamed, before taking out his axe. He charged towards Uhai, and swung. The nomad easily leapt over the blue haired axeman's head, and landed behind him. The horse lifted its hind legs, and punted Hector into a nearby tree. 

Hector landed, his eyes spinning. "Ergo...ergo...ergo..."

"He's out of it again!" Canas called out, before the horse used its two FRONT legs to punt him.

"He didn't even get his chance, yet!" Guy complained.

PUNT!

Matthew flipped through his walkthrough. "Is he even supposed to be able to do that?" he wondered out loud.

PUNT!

"Stop relying on that stupid walkthrough" Kozo scolded, after kicking Matthew square in the rump.

"Dully noted..."

Lyn drew her Mani Katti. "Okay, that's it. Now it's my turn!" She raced towards Uhai, and suddenly vanished. She reappeared behind Uhai, and slashed him in the back. She then vanished again, appearing above him. She slashed at his shoulders. Again, she vanished. She appeared on the ground in front of him. She weighed her sword in her hand, and charged at him, slashing along the way. She sheathed her sword, and back flipped to her original position.

"Excellent, Lyndis!" Eliwood commented. He raised his rapier. "Now, it's my turn!" He charged, and thrust the rapier towards Uhai. It pierced the nomad's hand, causing him to scream.

"And now, for the finisher!" Eliwood raised his sword to his face, before flipping it back. He pulled his arm back, and...

IMPALE!

Uhai choked, a sword through his chest. Hanging from a tree branch, by a whip, was Winny, holding the rapier that was causing the pain.

Eliwood's jaw dropped. Uhai smirked. "Well done...you've killed me...with my dying breath, I shall tell you how to get to the Black Fang's headquarters. All you must do is--"

IMPALE...AGAIN!

Winny stuck his second rapier through Uhai's neck. Uhai choked again, and fell off his horse.

"Winny, you creep, he was about to tell us the location of the Black Fang's headquarters!" Lyn screamed.

"What part of Meatloaf don't you understand?" Winny asked.

"...What?"

"Anyway, I'm taking you to their headquarters myself. Don't need him telling you nothing anyway."

"Yeah, but what if we have to come back for a final battle or something?"

"Oh, what are the odds of that happening?"

"WINNY GNOME, YOU LITTLE BASTARD! YOU STOLE MY EXPERIENCE!" Eliwood started throttling Winnie.

Winny smirked. "Well, I suppose I didn't need to kill him, what with being a level 99 Ranger/Druid and all."

"But...but the maximum level is 20 per class, giving a perfect total of 40..." Eliwood let out.

"That's what this is for" Winny continued, holding up a cartridge reading "Gameshark".

"He used a cheat code" Matthew whistled in awe.

"Now why didn't I think of that..." Kozo muttered, scratching his chin. He then shrugged, and took Sain by the collar, and dragged him off.

"Where are you taking me?"

"I'm getting you out of those dirty clothes, and giving you a bath."

"Oh. Thank you. Um...you do have a change of clothes, right?"

"Not on hand."

"... ...Well, Lyn will be there, right?'

"No."

"HELP! HELP! I'M BEING REPRESSED!"

"Weren't you supposed to be helping us get rid of the Black Fang troops?" Erk asked.

"And I was" Winny Gnome nodded. "There was originally LOTS more than this. But I took care of 'em"

* * *

Meanwhile, in the Nabata Desert, a small army of shamans, pirates and myrmidons could be seen just idling by. 

The shaman scratched his head, as he looked over the map. "Damn, I knew we shouldn't have listened to that Gnome and took that left."

"I think we should've stopped when we hit the ocean" one of the pirates pointed out.

* * *

"Now then, if you'll just get your other companions, we can be off. Of course, I'll have to slap on a time limit" Winny explained. 

"Of?" Erk asked.

"Five seconds. ... ... ...Time's up." Winny Gnome took off.

"What the--YOU LITTLE!" Lyn shouted.

"Come on, let's just go get the others" Eliwood sighed.

* * *

"Oh! Lady Lyndis! Thank heavens you've returned!" Kent said, his lips quivering. He latched onto Lyn's leg, scared. 

Lyn blinked, looking down at him. "Kent, what happened? What are you--"

"Lyndis! You're okay!" Florina cheered, leaping at Lyndis, and giving hera hug.

"Why's everyone so grabby today?" Lyn nearly snapped. Florina let go, but Kent kept his grip. "Kent, what are you--"

"EYAAAAAAAAAA!" Sain screamed, running past in his knickers.

"Wait! I haven't finished washing your back!" Kozo called out, jogging past the group, and holding a soapy sponge. "Hi Lyn. Hi Kent."

Lyn watched, as the two ran off. "Kent what are..." She looked around. "What are you talking about?"

"It's...that...GNOME! He just won't shut UP! He keeps talking and talking about the most inane things!"

"Now you know how I feel when I'm with Serra..." Erk mumbled to himself.

"You mean he's here?"

"Been here for the past half hour..."

"...SothenIrealizeditwasinherfooddishallalong!BoywasmyfaceredAswasShitaira'sbutshehadallherfurandsuchWhichremindsmeoftheonetimesomeonetriedtoshaveherface..."

"AND HE'S STILL TALKING!"

"He hasn't stopped for breath once..." Marcus groaned, throwing in his two bits.

"YAAAA!" Raven screamed, charging at Winny with his sword held high. He swung, and...missed. Completely.

Winny just gave the mercenary a funny look, before continuing. "SoasIwassayingDiaswasalittledrunkandhewantedtoseewhatabearlookedlikewithoutfursohetookaconvientlyplacedrazorand..."

Lyn nodded slowly, before looking over at Florina. "Florina, have you seen Cecil or Serra?"

Florina shook her head. "No...why?"

"They must be lost, then. Florina, pack your things, we're going after them."

"Right!" Florina said with a cute salute. She rushed off to get her things.

"That goes for the rest of you too!" She shouted out over top of the group.

"Yes ma'am!" The group packed up their things, and went off to look for the two.

"AndtothisdayDiasstillhastroublesittingdownoncruiseships" Winny concluded his story. He looked around, seeing them leave. "Um, I think they went that way..." He pointed out, pointing to a pair of Cecil sized footprints, accompanied by some Serra sized footprints. Winny stared a bit, before shrugging, and following the group.

* * *

"Cecil, where are we?" Serra asked. 

Cecil smiled, but his lip twitched a bit. "Well, we're obviously in a FOREST!" he snapped. He breathed slowly. "Sorry, I shouldn't have snapped at you."

"Do you think we'll get out of here?"

"Of course we will. I know exactly where I'm going." The two continued walking. "Yes sir, you have nothing to fear, because I know exactly where the others...Oh, who am I kidding, I'm lost! It happens again!" Cecil ran off in another direction, crying.

"C...Cecil!" Serra yelped, running after the tactician.

A few seconds later, Lyn and Eliwood walked up to that same spot. "Well, they're not here either" Lyn sighed.

Winny looked down at them from a nearby tree branch. "You people took the long way" he pointed out.

Eliwood shook his head. "We'll have to go on without them. They can probably take care of themselves."

"I'll never see them again" Erk sighed.

"Don't worry, Erk" Lyn pointed out. "Cecil can protect Serra if they're ambushed, and she can cast some curing spells if he needs it."

"I'll never see him again."

"Come on, follow me!" Winny beamed, before rushing off.

"What the...hey! You run too fast!" Lyn complained, rushing after Winny.

"I'm not to fast! You're just tooooo slow"

* * *

Jaffar grumbled under his breath, as he continued to swim for shore. "I don't know why I put up with all this, I really don't" he continued to curse. 

The soft sound of coughing caught Jaffar's attention, and he turned in the direction of the noise. Leila, who also, for some miracle, survived the fall, was clinging to a piece of driftwood for dear life.

Jaffar kept his glance at her. _So, she's not quite dead yet_ he thought to himself. He felt his side. He still had his daggers, and she was in a very weak condition. He figured he could just quickly swim towards her, and...

Something stopped him. He kept treading water as he held onto his dagger. _She'll die out here anyway he concluded. I don't need to beat an already forsaken horse._ With that, he resumed his swimming. _Besides, I've got bigger fish to stab.

* * *

_

A few minutes later, Winny walked over to Yoshimo, grinning. "So, what'd you think of my performance?" 

"Remind me...why did I put you in this picture?"

"Contract" Winny said, holding up a sheet of paper.

"I have got to start reading those things..."

"Anyway, now's no time to mope, we need to do the Wheel of Morality!"

"Yeah, about that. I got a call from Warner Brothers, and they wanted to complain about copy--"

"Wheel of Morality!" Winny repeated, dragging in the large dial.

Yoshimo sighed, and stood up. He took the dial, and spun. "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn, tell us the lesson that we should learn" Yoshimo said with no enthusiasm.

The dial came to a stop. "Moral number 3!" Winny pointed out. "And the moral of today's story is..." he continued, as the paper printed out. He took a look at the sheet, and raised an eyebrow. "_Never read over contracts given by gnomes_."

Yoshimo blinked and looked up. "Wait, that actually had something linked to the story...Winny, would you give me that?" He took the sheet, and looked it over. "...Winny, you read this wrong."

"Did I?"

"Yes. It says _Never listen to any scheming dogs when they talk about how to hook up VCRs_. How could you honestly get..."

"Say, before you turn in for today, would you mind signing this?"

"Sure, let me just put my--OH NO YOU DON'T!" Yoshimo threw both papers down, and stamped off.

"Oh, and I was going to do something nice for him..." Winny sighed.

_Winny's Contract:  
Yoshimo gains properity over Winny Gnome's Gamecube, N64, XBOX, SNES, Playstation, Playstation 2, Intellivision and 72 inch high definition plasma screen TV while the loaner in question is away on vacation, such as Christmas or Easter, as well as any vacation days used._  
_Winny Gnome  
(Yoshimo's name goes here) _

"Oh well." Winny struck a match, and held it under the paper.


	30. Chapter Eighteen Gaiden: Imprisoner of M...

**Fire Emblem 7, The Parody  
****Chapter 18 Gaiden: Imprisoner of Magic**

Following the wily gnome proved a harder feat than anticipated. Still, the group was able to follow him with a degree of skill. They move in utmost silence, as to not attract any hidden enemy. However, following their path, a new Black Fang Shadow approaches.

"Ssh, you'll kill the suspence" whispered the office intern. "If you tell them that, it won't be a surprise."

"Too late. I did."

"Poo."

* * *

"Just give us a second...to catch our breath..." Hector breathed out.

Winny nodded. "Alright, I'll give you a second. ...Second's up." With that, he took off again.

"H...hey! Wait up!" Lyn begged. She quickly dashed after Winny, and soon followed by Hector. Eliwood made a short jog after them, and then just slowed down.

Marcus raised an eyebrow, and slowly trotted over to his master. "Are you well, lord Eliwood?" the paladin asked. "You have a pallid look about you..."

Eliwood jolted a bit, before calming down. "Oh, it's you, Marcus" he said flatly.

"...Is something wrong?"

"You heard what Erik said in Laus, didn't you? Marcus...what do you think about that?"

"That Lord Elbert was involved in the plot for rebellion?"

Eliwood nodded. Marcus shook his head. "It must be a mistake" the old knight continued. "Your father is loyal to Lycia. He's not one to break his oath."

Eliwood smiled, and nodded. "You're right. I can't believe he'd be involved in this conspiracy. Yet..." the red haired noble looked down at his feet. "Why do I feel so anxious? When I think of my father, I can't help but feel...somewhat frightened..."

Marcus shook his head again. "Lord Eliwood, do not mistake your feelings. That feeling that strikes you when you think of Lord Elbert? It springs not from a distrustful heart. It comes from concern for your father, who needs your help. He is involved in someting larger than all of us. This is all happening so fast; it's easy to lose sight of that."

Eliwood just looked at Marcus, considering his words. He smiled after a few seconds, and let out a sigh. "I see. Thank you, Marcus. I feel a bit better now."

Marcus smiled as well, and nodded. He then put on a sour face, as he looked around. "Bah. The air on this god-forsaken rock...it's disquieting..."

"...It is as though it feeds the despair already in our hearts" Eliwood observed. "If you weren't here, Marcus, I might've--"

Marcus held up his hand, still keeping his serious face. "There's something happening up ahead."

Eliwood perked his ears, and heard some distent yet near screaming. "It's Hector! Let's go!"

With that, the two sped off towards the source of the noise.

"...And that's why the Laws of Physics are a complete sham" Canas concluded, adjusting his monacole, as he strolled by.

"Your knowledge amazes me, shaman" Oswin nodded. "When we return to Ostia, I might be able to find you a position among the court."

Kozo was about to throw in his two-bits, before he noticed something off in the distence. "Oh great, there goes pansy boy..." he muttered.

"After him?" Canas asked.

"I suppose...I mean, I don't know why we need him, but I won't hear the end of it if we just let him run off like that..."

* * *

"Would you stop yelling at me already?" Lyn snapped at Hector. "All I'm saying is that your clattering armour is going to give away our position! We need to move more cautiously!"

"And all I'M saying is that I'm doing my best!" Hector shouted back at Lyn. "You don't need to scream bloody murder about all of it!"

"I pointed it out as calmly as I could at first! It was your constant arguement that made me raise my voice!"

It was at this time that Eliwood, Marcus and the others arrived on the scene. "Um, guys..." Eliwood started, calmly.

"Because it's not like I can make this armour any quieter! Of course, you little savages who probably never even HEARD of arm--"

"Guys, can't we just..." Eliwood tried to interject.

"Savages? SAVAGES! Hector, I expected better of you! You may be an idiot, but I hoped you weren't like other preju--"

"WOULD YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP!" Marcus screamed at the two, his face going beet red.

Both nobles just looked over at the paladin, eyes wide. "Whoa, okay, chill out, spazz" Hector held up his arms, as he explained himself calmly.

"Indeed. We're standing right in front of you, there's no need to raise your voice" Lyn nodded.

Marcus's eye twitched a bit, and the old paladin nearly blew a fuse. He sighed deeply, and breathed deeply a few times, before turning around. "That's it, I'm going back to the ship" he grumbled.

"Are you sure you'll make it back, Marcus?" Eliwood asked.

"Of course" Marcus said with a smile. "I know exactly where we parked it. I have the memory of an elephant, you know." With that, the paladin urged his horse back into the woods, back to shore.

Kozo blinked, and leaned over to Guy. "What's an elephant?"

* * *

A cloaked swordsman approached his commander, and bowed. "Lord Aion, we've recieved word from the Pegasus Unit" he reported. "The targets are approaching from the far side of the mountain, to the east."

A cold smirk played on Aion's lips. He had short, greasy blonde hair, with a pug like nose, and a noble, sagely attire, complete with long, flowing purple cape. "Heh. Uhai must have failed after all" he mused. "I'm none too surprised. We're talking about the shallow wisdom of a Sacaen nomad, after all. He possessed a certain rough talent, but no mind for planning."

"Sir, if I may interrupt" the swordsman pointed out, "I am a Sacaen, and you chose me as leftenient because of my tatical--"

"Oh, you're still here, are you? Well, I stand by what I said."

"Yes sir..."

"Are the troops in position?"

"Yes sir. But, if I may, almost every last one of them is a mage. Only a small handful of them are actually physical attackers, and they're only knights. Shouldn't we have invested in a more balanced..."

"Nonsense! Nothing can best the power of magic! And I have given each of my soldiers an infinate supply of magic spells! They'll burn those fools to ashes, I say!"

"Very well sir. I shall return to Master Nergal to report the situation."

"Go tell him that those mice will be exterminated." Aion raised his hand, as lightning crackled around it. "In confined areas such as this, my Bolting spell will devestate them!" He let out the classic, evil laugh, as the swordsman had enough time to take an apple from a nearby fruit bowl, eat it, put the core in a proper trash can, and calmly walk out of the room.

* * *

As the party continued to march on, Eliwood noticed something about one of their companions. He walked over to the young dancer, who seemed to be slowly trudging behind the group. "Ninian...is something wrong?" he asked gently.

Ninian looked up at Eliwood blankly, before gasping. "Beware!" she suddenly yelped. "The enemy approaches!"

"The what?" Hector asked, almost flatly.

"Lord Eliwood of Pherae!" a dark voice shouted out to the party. Everyone turned, to see a small group of shamans a few yards ahead. "Prepare yourself!"

Lyn groaned, and ran her hand down her face. "Not more of these bozos..." she groaned.

"We won't reach the Dragons Gate if we stay defensive" Eliwood said with an agitated sigh. "Hit their commander, and let's get this over with!"

"Well, looks like someone's about as impatient as I am" Kozo jeered. "Good to see you're toughening up, pansy-boy."

"Oh shut up and give us some tactical advice already."

"Hee hee. Oh, Hannah dear..."

Hannah tugged down the shoulder of her cloak, and coughed. Kozo hovered his finger near the slot, dark magic forming around it. "Tell us and you won't get a Luna down the coin slot."

The old augury gulped, and pulled her sleeve back up. "Erm...yes, of course. Um...ahem. You must beware magical attacks. They will not attack from the front...hold your ground, and something will happen. For good or ill, it is not a yes or no question. That is all I see."

"You know, Hannah, I have a strong feeling we could get by without you most of the time..."

"It was your choice to bring me along."

"No it wasn't. It was loudmouth's and pansy-boy's."

"Shut up."

"Alright then, in order to make the most of the area, we will split into teams. Team A will consist of pansy-boy, Lowen, Canas, Bartre, and Hector. Team B will consist of Lyn, Wil, Kent, and Hector. Team C will consist of--"

"Oh no, I see where this is going" Eliwood interrupted. "We're not going to do that joke."

"But--"

"No."

"It would've been--"

"I said no!"

"Oh...fine, we'll just go in one large assult team, that will consist of the usual lordling crew, myself, and..." Kozo looked over the crowd of his units. "Erm...how about...Erk, Priscilla, Sain, Matthew, Guy, Dorcas, Wil, Kent and...oh...I suppose we'll need a pegasus knight..."

"Oooh! Oooh! Pick me!" Florina cheered, bouncing up and down. "I wanna come!"

"Maybe Fior--"

Florina kept jumping up and down, flailing her raised arm in the air. "Pick me! Pick me!"

The shaman sighed in defeat. "Alright, fine, you can come. And now that that's settled..." Kozo turned back towards where a small force of enemies began to approach. "Let's kick some magey hiney."

"You heard the man!" Winny Gnome shouted, leaping out of nowhere, rapiers drawn. "Let's start stabbin!"

"Where did you just come...oh forget it..." Lyn was about to ask.

* * *

"I think here's a good place to rest and wait for the Fang to leave" Cecil pointed out, looking at Serra through the darkness.

"Hey! You've become little cartoon eyeballs! Just like in the movies!"

"Now's not the best place to talk about that..." Cecil muttered. After having wandered through the forests for some time, Cecil and Serra had the _pleasure_ of bumping into members of the Black Fang. After five minutes of being chased, the two managed to find and duck into a ruin, where they now currently waited for the Fang to leave.

After another two minutes, the nomads and brigands shrugged, and left. Cecil let out a sigh of relief. "Okay, I think we're safe." He suddenly stopped talking, and sniffed the air. "I smell horse dung..."

"Don't look at me" Serra defended. "I don't even know the meaning of the word flat--"

"I'm being serious, Serra. Something smells strange..." With that, Cecil dug for a match, and lit it. He held it towards the smell, where he was confronted by an...

"Oh...shit..."

The beast was a giant, muscular centaur, with rust coloured hair, darkened skin, and purple fur on his horse half. He brandished a gargantuan, silver axe, and he looked very, very mad that he had intruders in his home. He expressed this by growling lowly.

"Well, I think he's saying that we've over-stayed our welcome..." Cecil muttered.

"Wait a minute" Serra interrupted. "That's a Macdaire. But this is Fire Emblem: Rekka No Ken. Macdaire and other monsters (exlcuding zombies and dragons) are supposed to be in the next game!"

"Serra, let's stop worrying about the probability of him being here and just RUN!" On that last word, Cecil grabbed Serra's hand, and raced out of the cave.

* * *

A small ball of fire started to build in Erk's right hand, before he threw it towards an enemy knight. The armoured warrior was captured in the flames, and burnt to a crisp.

"Aiiiie!" Priscilla cried, catching the magi's attention. He raced towards his charge, and saw that a shaman was pursuing her, a Flux building up between his hands.

Electricity sparked around Erk's own hand. "Get away from her..." he growled, before raising his arm to the sky. He then thrust a finger towards the shaman, as the electricity left his hand. Mere seconds later, a bolt of lightning crashed down on the shaman, hundreds upon hundreds of volts coursing through his body.

Priscilla kept riding, and stopped next to her escourt. "Thank you, Erk" she said, bowing her head. "I'm sorry I'm not able to--" She suddenly stopped. "Watch out!" she yelped, leaping off her horse, and tackiling Erk to the ground, as a spear shot over the two spell users.

"Good call" Erk said from underneath Priscilla, not seeming to notice their current position.

The troubador seemed to notice, though, and instantly got off the mage, and a few inches away. She covered her lower face with her hand, coughing a bit whilst blushing.

The knight who owned the lance reared back for a second attack, before a large, burly warrior stepped in the way, and swung his axe. The knight shifted his lance into a defensive position, as the axe dug into the handle, keeping both warriors locked in place. "Why are you just sitting there?" Dorcas nearly demanded. "Get on your feet and fry this rust bucket, or something!"

Erk sat up, and raised himself to his feet. "Alright, if that's what you want" he said with a slight sneer. He started weaving an arcane pattern between his hands. "I suggest you duck, fighter boy" he informed.

Dorcas yanked his axe out from the knight's spear, and ducked. Erk finished his spell, and thrust a finger towards the knight. "Elfire!"

In a mere instant, a circle of fire appeared underneath the knight's feet. Erk snapped his fingers, and flames engulfed the knight, frying him in a mere instant. "No matter how many times I do it, it gets slightly different every time..." Erk muttered to himself.

"We can worry about that later" Dorcas informed. "The others will need our help."

Erk and Priscilla nodded, before Erk helped his charge onto her horse. The two proceded to rush off to catch up with Dorcas, who had already covered a fair distence. Priscilla looked down at her escourt. "Thanks" she said with a smile.

Erk smirked back. "It's my job as your escourt. Although you did look like you were in need of rescue, so I probably would've anyway."

Priscilla blushed a tad more, as she continued to ride along side her escourt.

* * *

The air became thicker. Tension among every member on the battle field started to raise. A small ripple of air appeared near the castle where the sage Aion waited. Appearing from the ripple in time was a boney, cloaked figure. All that could be seen from underneath his cowl was a long, boney nose, and a pointed chin.

Meanwhile, Kozo had noticed the change in the air, as well as the change in the enemy mages and shamans. He beamed, and took a few steps back, the air returning to normal. "I'm in the magic zone..." he said, before shooting a Flux at an enemy mage.

"WHA!"

"I'm in the no-magic zone" the purple haired tactician continued, bouncing back to the strange area. "I'm in the magic zone..."

"AIE!"

"I'm in the no-magic zone. I'm in the magic zone..."

"What in the hell are you doing?" Lyn asked, as she, Guy and Wil arrived on the scene.

"I'm having fun, now leave me alone" Kozo growled.

Wil looked over at Lyn, and shrugged. He looked back and Kozo, nodding, and said, "You're the boss." With that, the three returned to the battle field.

"Whe...heh...not you!" Kozo shouted, rushing after Guy. After a few moments of running, Kozo caught up with the myrmidon, who was already flanked by a group of knights, spears ready.

The shaman gasped. "Don't worry, Guy! I'll save you, I'm in the Magic Zone!" With that, he began chanting a Flux Spell.

* * *

Back with the strange, boney man, the blades of grass shifted in the breeze. Crickets chripped in the background. The man let out a yawn, and shifted to one side.

* * *

"Flux!" Kozo shouted, before thrusting his arms forward. A ball of dark magic appeared in his hands, before suddenly fizziling out with a comical "pbht" noise.

Kozo blinked, and looked over at Guy, who was now by his side. The shaman instantly grabbed onto the myrmidon's leg. "Ah! Save me, Guy!"

* * *

Aion perked his ears, and looked up from his midafternoon snack, as our small party of heroes approached. "You made it past my line of defense?" he asked, almost surprised.

"It's not like it was that much of a problem" Erk commented, rolling his eyes, arms folded across his chest.

Aion stood up from his seat, and flipped back his cape. "No matter. I shall fry you all in an instant. Prepare your--"

"Wait, I think I know you..." Kent muttered.

Aion's eyes raised, and he looked side to side. "What are you talking about?" he asked almost innocently. "I've never seen you fools before...and I certainly have never met the half-breed girl you're traveling with--oh crap."

"Wait, I do know you! You're Marques Araphen! Only with a different hair colour..."

Aion smirked. "Ha! You see? You don't know me! My hair is green! How many non-nomads have green hair, honestly?"

SPLASH!

Wil walked back towards the group, whistiling as he twirled a bucket around his arm. Aion stood frozen in his taunt, as green liquid dripped around him, revealing his hair to be a nice blonde.

"Um...ah, no matter! I will finally be able to rid myself of you meddlesome fools once and for all!" Aion shouted, before shifting his arms in a mystical manner. He threw them to the skies dramatically, and shouted out for his spell. "BOLTING!"

Crickets chirped in the background. Aion looked both left and right. "Um...ELFIRE!" he shouted, throwing his arm dramatically at Kent, trying to roast him.

Two birds singed over head, in an almost taunting manner. Aion's eyes widened a bit, and sweat began to form. "Erm...THUNDER! ...um...Fire? ...Magic Missile? ...Little Blue Swirly Thing?"

Tumbleweed drifted by. "...Well, now I'm getting desperate..." he admitted flatly.

"I think you were getting desperate around the _Little Blue Swirly Thing_" Hector pointed out.

"Actually, the infamous Little Blue Swirly Thing would've killed us" Erk informed. "I know, I've seen it."

"Well, I guess I'm completely defenseless" Aion shrugged. He then stopped, mid shrug. "...Uh-oh."

Hector grinned evilly, and cracked his knuckles. Kent raised his fists, and cracked his knuckles as well. Lyn grinned maliciously, and cracked her knuckles as well. Florina looked over at Lyn, and then back at Aion, timidly putting a hand over her fist, and cracked her knuckles as well.

SNAP!

"..." Florina's upper lip quivered, as she looked at her hand, the fingers broken. She covered her eyes with both hands, in spite of the slight pain, and ran off crying.

Lyn looked over at Florina, and rushed off after her. "Florina! Wait up! I know what to do about broken knuckles! I know, I had them!"

After that little incident, Dorcas and Eliwood approached, taking place of the two females. Both cracked their knuckles. Aion looked between the four that circled. He looked dead ahead, eyes shrunken. "mother..." he squeaked. The four lunged.

* * *

...poke...poke...poke...poke...

Winny was busy sitting on a rock, prodding the magic seal with a gnarled stick. The magic seal, famed for his cold, emotionless stance, was twitching his left eye, and the side of his lips.

...poke...poke...poke...poke...

"OKAY THAT'S IT!" the magic seal screamed, grabbing the stick from Winny, and snapping it across his leg. He glared back at the gnome. "I'd figure after poke number 437, you'd get bored!"

"Not really" Winny shrugged, drawing one of his rapiers, and poking the magic seal with it.

Poke. 1 damage.

"SCREW THIS I'M GOING HOME!" the magic seal shouted again, before vanishing. The air returned to it's normal feel.

* * *

Aion blinked, and wiped the blood off his nose. "H..hey! I can feel it! My magic is returning! A...ha ha ha! Mortal fools! I shall send you to the nether world with my new powers and--"

WHAM!

Aion fell over, eyes swirling. Hector pulled back his fist, smirking. "Just shut up" he said calmly.

Dorcas brushed the dust off his pants, and sighed. "Now how am I supposed to get all this blood off my shirt?" he sighed. "I'm sure Natelie would know...but she's back in Bern..."

Bartre approached his friend from out of nowhere, beaming. "Don't worry. I'm sure where ever you are, Natelie would be proud of you."

"I'm sure she'd be happier if we just went the five blocks to buy the local spices!"

Lyn and Florina finally reapproached the group. Florina's hand was in bandages, and she was smiling brightly. Lyn looked over at Aion, and then to Kent. "How long were you guys..."

"About ten minutes. For a Sage, he had a high constitution" the red knight observed.

Aion lifted his arm. "B...Bol..."

Erk dropped his foot on Aion's nose. "AHH!" the sage choked, before falling unconscious. Again.

"So, where were you two?" Kozo asked. "I thought you'd be the first ones to beat this guy to a pulp."

Florina smiled a little wider, and nodded her head. "Lady Lyndis was patching up my hand. She's really good with bandages. She even kissed the wound to make it all better." She put on an innocent face, and tilted her head, still looking at the hand. "She probably could've stopped after the seventh kiss..."

Kozo raised an eyebrow. Hector's jaw dropped a bit. Even Kent showed some surprise. Lyn groaned, and covered her face in her hand, blushing a bright red. Florina looked innocently at everyone, confused, thinking Lyn's behavior was natural. "What? ...What?"

"Florina..." Dorcas pointed out calmly, "have you ever considered that Lady Lyndis might be..."

"The greatest friend a person could ask for? Yes I have" Florina answered, completely oblivious.

"No, I meant...oh never mind" the large warrior sighed, shaking his head.

Kozo looked around, and then back at Lyn and Florina. "You know, as much fun as I would have taunting you two, I need to find something out...excuse me." The shaman turned around, and walked off towards a small clearing.

After a minute or so of walking, Kozo reached the little gnome, still sitting on the rock, humming a tune to himself. The shaman tapped the little one on the shoulder. "Winny, might I ask if you saw a magical seal here?"

"Not sure, but I met a weird person by the name of Kishuna. Sure had a strange feel about it. I just poked him for a while with a stick, then my rapier. Then he left."

Kozo groaned, shaking his head. "Winny, do you realize what you've done? You kept us from killing Kishuna! Now we can't go to Chapter 18xx, _A Glimpse in Time_!"

"Well, we couldn't anyway" Winny pointed out. "We're kinda following Eliwood's storyline."

"...You know what? We're going there anyway. Come on" Kozo said, marching off.

"Yeah, you go...you go do that, I'll be waiting in the chapter after that" Winny nodded, before leaving in the opposite direction.

Kozo returned to the group, and coughed loudly. "Alright, everyone! We're moving out!"

* * *

Cecil bent over, panting, trying to catch his breath. "I think...we lost them..." he panted, releasing grip on Serra's hand.

The tactician and the cleric had run a long way to avoid the Macdire, and then the Black Fang...again. They were currently located in a dense forest, nice and peaceful, if slightly ominous.

Serra looked over at Cecil, about to ask something, before she gasped. "Cecil! There are arrows in you!"

"There what?" Cecil asked, getting up right.

"There's an arrow in your butt, as well as two along your left arm!"

Cecil blinked, and looked at his arm. "Huh. What do you know, arrows. I guess I was so busy running I didn't notice the nomads hit me. Learn something new every day--OH GOD! OH GOD THE PAIN! IT STINGS! NOW THAT I'M THINKING ABOUT IT, IT HURTS REAL BAD!"

The tactician squirmed on the ground, yelping in pain. Serra fumbled for her staff, and hovered it over his body. After a brief moment and a blinding blue glow, the pain resided to only a slight pain you'd get from a paper cut.

Cecil blinked, and smiled. "Eh, it's not so--ow--not so bad."

Serra rolled Cecil onto his back, and pulked out the three arrows, Cecil letting out another "ow" for every one she pulled. "You'll still feel some pain, and your arm is still a tad beaten up, so try to avoid putting too much strain on it" Serra informed.

Cecil rolled back to his front, and sat up. "I take it healing staves don't heal people fully?" he asked.

"Not minor wounds like that" Serra informed. "Sure magic can heal people, but not all the way to full. That's left to the flow of time and the help of experienced doctors and nurses."

Cecil got to his feet, smiling. "You're pretty clever, Serra. Unless I'm hallucenating, I'd say Erk was entirely wrong about you."

Serra suddenly huffed, and folded her arms over her chest. "Now then, I'm getting tired of this place. The dirt is ruining my dress! You're the navigator of our little party, so get us out of here!"

"Well...maybe not entirely" Cecil said with a shrug and a chuckle, before the two walked off, on their blind quest to find the others.

* * *

"Well, Yoshimo, it's a Gaiden Chapter. You know what that means?" Chibi-Zell pointed out, beaming.

"...Wheel of Randomosity?" Yoshimo asked.

Chibi-Zell nodded happily, before bounding over to the twin dials. The miniature director approached his companion. "You seem to enjoy this portion waaaay too much..."

"Asides from the Nils/Fiora incident, it's been pretty fun to watch" Chibi-Zell pointed out.

"I thought it was funny..." Yoshimo muttered.

"I didn't..." Nils whined, still rubbing his behind. "I can still feel the spankings of punishment..."

Yoshimo grabbed one of the dials, and spun it hard. "Wheel of Randomosity, whirl whirl whirl. Give us a pairing and don't make us hurl." The director watched, as the dial began to slow down, before landing on Erk.

The mage approached the stage, tugging at his shirt collar. "This won't end well. I know this won't end well..." he muttered.

Chibi-Zell took hold of the next wheel, and spun it as well. After clicking for a while, the wheel began to slow down, and landed on...

Yoshimo raised both eyebrows in shock. Chibi-Zell stiffled a laugh. Erk turned deathly pale. Bartre approached the group, drinking soda from a straw. "What'd I miss?" he asked stupidly. He looked over at the dial Chibi-Zell spun, and grinned. "Hey look! It's my picture! And it got me in my best--"

"No time for that, now pucker up, lover boy" Chibi-Zell said maliciously, prodding the big warrior.

Bartre blinked, and looked down at Erk. "What is he talking about?" he asked.

"He wants you to kiss me" Erk sighed in defeat. "That's the point of this show."

"Oh. ... ... ..." Bartre grabbed Erk, and pulled him close.

MOTHER OF ALL SMOOCH!

Bartre let Erk go, as the mage stood frozen, shuddering in horror. He slowly walked off, gagging and shuddering.

Yoshimo was also slightly disgusted. "Err...right...well...that's why they call it the Wheel of Randomosity...well, until next time, I'm Yoshimo..."

"I'm Chibi-Zell..."

"And I am never going to get this taste out of my mouth!" Erk wailed, trying everything possible at once: Mouth wash, breath mints, minty toothpaste, the works.


	31. Chapter Eighteen Gaiden Part Two: A Glim...

**Fire Emblem 7, The Parody  
Chapter 18 Gaiden Part 2: A Glimpse in Time**

Author's Note: Dear...oh, he/she/it didn't really give me a name to go on. I'll just have to make one up then. Dear Mister Shouty McYou-Don't-Have-To-Shout. Thank you for screaming out the error in chapter 18. Of course, you didn't have to post the entire paragraph, or scream out the flaw as though I played the game and always thought it was a tunic. I am fully well aware that it was a robe, and, well, I guess it was something I really wasn't paying that much attention for.  
However, since it's such a tiny problem, I'm not even going to bother going back to fix the error that only you seem to have a problem with. Instead, I'll just keep it as a tunic, and then make a little joke about how he gets the robe. Oh, and, yes, I'm doing fine, thanks for asking. (And if you were trying to contract "It is" in your review, it's spelt "I-T-Apostrophe-S")

* * *

"Yoshimo!" Chibi-Zell came running in, holding his Game Boy Advance.

"Oh? What?" Yoshimo asked, as the shrimp held up the device. "Hmm... let's see... ...Chapter 19x Part 2, A Glimpse In Time... What the? Why was I not informed?"

"Yes!" Chibi-Zell said, a look of equal shock on his face. "I didn't know about it either, but... well, if we skip this, we're missing something so incredibly key to the plot of this game that..."

"B-B-But... the actors can't do this on such short notice!" Yoshimo looked around wildly. "You don't have the script from the game, do you?"

"But that wouldn't be funny enough" Chibi-Zell advised, shaking his head. "And besides..."

"But I don't know what happens in it! ...Can I leave you in charge?" Yoshimo asked, cautiously.

"Yes" Chibi-Zell smirked.

"However," Yoshimo quickly stated, "If you try ANYTHING, Chibi-Zell, anything at all that would push the rating of this story beyond PG-13, OR would make people think that I'm fully in support of you and Minoa's little Shonen-Ai pairings..."

"Hey, this chapter's too good of material as it is to screw it up!" Chibi-Zell said quickly. "You trust me, don't you?"

"No I don't, but I'll let you do it anyway."

Matthew, Guy, Kent, and Sain shared various glances and all gulped.

* * *

All of their battles have led them here: The Dragon's Gate. Eliwood, Hector, Lyn, and the crew gain a brief respite before the major battle to come. However, their rest is about to be broken...BY A GIANT ANVIL!

WHAM!

Hi. Um, I guess I'm your new narrorator, as our last one was flattened by a giant anvil.

WHAM!

I guess now I'M your new narrorator, as our last one was--wait, I'm begining to see a pattern here. As our last narrorator was flattened by giant piles of cash.

WHAM!

Well that didn't work. Still an an--still a thing that blacksmiths hit things against. AH! ...Okay, we're good. On with the story.

WHAM!

Ow...

* * *

"Hey, Hector..." Lyn looked at the burlier man.

"Yeah?" Hector asked.

"You haven't seen Ninian anywhere, have you?" Lyn asked. "She seemed to have disappeared about half an hour ago..."

"That's odd" Hector shrugged. "Have you asked everyone else?"

"Yes" Lyn nodded. "They haven't seen her either. Priscilla and Eliwood are busy trying to scout her out, and even Kozo's gone and started looking for her. You should help too."

"Me? Why me?" Hector asked.

"Because she's key to the plot and if we lose her we're gonna be stuck." Lyn sighed, grabbing Hector's arm. "Come on, let's go."

* * *

"Hey, are you alright, Kozo?" Priscilla asked, prodding the shaman in the backside with her staff.

"Oh, yeah, sure" Kozo sighed, shaking his head. "Just... zoned out there, for a moment. This place... is..."

"Hmm?" Priscilla blinked, looking at the ruins surrounding them.

"Ah, I just sense... a lot of power, here..." Kozo looked around. "This place is very, very ancient, I can tell..."

"Do you really think Ninian went this far?" Priscilla asked. "We must be a fairly good distance away from the others by now, you know."

"I know," Kozo said. "I don't think she'd be..."

Suddenly, a pale form in a blue dress came around a corner, looking shaken and off, as if she was possessed.

"Ninian!" Kozo jumped suddenly, turning to Priscilla. "Go back to camp and call the others over here, Priscilla!" and then without another word, the shaman ran off to Ninian.

"Huh? Uh...okay... what's with him and her, anyway?" Priscilla wondered innocently, turning back to walk into the forest to look for Lyn and the others. "I thought he was interested in guys..."

* * *

"_Daddy..."_

_Standing amongst the ruins, a young girl of seven years or so stood beside two males – one of about five years, the other of about eight. The three of them all looked rather shabby. Towering over the small figures was a man in a dark cloak, his features hidden except for a short head of light hair and gentle features._

"_You guys hide and wait here, okay? There's food and water in the pack... If you ration yourselves, it should last about ten days" the man smiled gently, trying to calm the three children._

"_Father, where are you going?" the older boy spoke up, a bit worried._

"_I have to go Aenir, to get mommy" he told him._

"_Mommy? Where's mommy?" the little girl asked._

"_Mommy got taken away by some bad men. But your daddy is going to go get her back, okay?" he smiled gently._

"_Father, will you be alright?" the older boy asked again._

"_Yes, I'm sure. But... If I'm not back in ten days, then take your sister and your brother and go to the other side, okay? You know the way, don't you?"_

"_Daddy, daddy, don't go..." the little girl started to cry._

"_Daddy's going? No! No no no no!" the youngest child started to cry too._

"_...You're good children, all three of you... I'll come back for you, I swear. I'll be back..." the man smiled, then turned to the oldest. "Please, take care... of your brother and sister..."_

"_I will, Father... ah..." the oldest boy sniffled a bit, trying to stop from crying. "I'll take care of them, I promise."_

_Then without another word, the father of the three children turned and ran. The two younger siblings ran after their father, but he was quickly too far away. They sat down and started crying upon the steps of the ruins._

"_...Daddy, why did you leave...?"

* * *

_

As the former scene closed, there was a general gasp. 

"...Wow... that was a totally serious scene. Not a single joke cracked..." Guy gasped.

"We can't keep doing that! If we do, we'll lose readers!" Marcus pointed out.

"Well, at least it leaves less chance for somebody to be unnecessarily mocked..." Oswin pointed out.

Chibi-Zell sighed. "Well, that was a serious scene, and honestly, I couldn't find any way to ruin it. Besides, it was too damn cute. Now get off the set, you old skeletons, we have a production to put on here."

Guy perked up, annoyed. "Hey! I'm not old, or a skeleton!"

"He didn't mean you, cutie," Kozo grabbed Guy's shirt. "But you still have to get off set. Come on."

"Umm... help? Evil gay shaman's dragging me away here! Anybody? Help!"

* * *

"Hey, Ninian, are you okay?" Kozo shook the other girl a bit.

"Y-yes..." she whimpered out a bit, before knocking Kozo's hands off of her shoulder. "...Leave me be..."

"Ninian... You don't remember, do you? Do you remember anything?" Kozo asked.

"No... but... this place seems familiar..." Ninian responded, stumbling a bit farther into the ruins.

"Nini..." Kozo stared, but then caught himself. He let his hands fall to his side and let her go. A couple minutes later she was out of sight.

"Kozo! Kozo!" Lyn's voice came a few moments later and knocked him out of his stupor.

"Oh... hello..." Kozo sighed, rolling his eyes, as he saw Lyn approaching, along with Hector, Eliwood, Wil, Matthew, Oswin, Canas, Erk, Priscilla, and Bartre.

"There were the only ones I could find" Prsicilla explained. "I did find Guy as well, but he offered to run back and go retrieve the others and bring them here."

Guy wiped his brow. "Thank god... if I had of remained there, I know Kozo would've only been all over me... thank god thank god thank god... though I do feel a bit sorry for Matthew... Maybe I should go back and help him, I mean, he's done so much for me, and..."

Guy blinked, then shook his head. "No, must not become yaoi bait, must not become yaoi bait, must not become..."

"So, is Ninian okay?" Lyn asked.

"Oh, yeah, she's okay" Kozo nodded. "You don't have to worry."

"Well, then, let's get her and go" Hector puffed up. "We're on a bit of a time limit here..."

"Hector, you insensitive..." Kozo sighed.

"Huh? What?"

"This place is making Ninian remember things. You wouldn't want to stop that, would you, you overgrown plum?"

"...Overgrown... plum?" Hector blinked, thinking. "Hey, wait! I'm not fat! It's the armour, okay, you bloody urch...!"

"Calm down!" Lyn quickly slapped a hand over Hector's mouth. "Both of you! If there's a chance Ninian can get her memory back..."

"But what about your father, Eliwood?" Hector asked, prying off Lyn's hand. "Comeon, you have to agree with me that we have to go save him before something happens and..."

"We... can take a bit of time off, I think" Eliwood said. "Right, guys?"

There was a nod amongst the group. Lyn, Eliwood, and the rest of the crew walked into the ruins, leaving behind only Hector and Kozo.

"He's too damn nice for his own good, don't you think so, Kozo?" Hector asked.

"...Wrong, Hector" Kozo shook his head. "This... is important..."

Hector blinked, confused, as Kozo walked off in another direction, to go examine the ruins. He sighed. "I don't understand him at all..."

As he walked off to follow the others, however, he was intercepted by a man emerging from a doorway. The man was wrapped entirely in a black cloak, with a bit of violet hair visible, making a frame around a face that looked to be thirty-something. However, his dark robes seemed to have an ornate pattern about them. There were much more filled out and decorative than those of Canas or Kozo.

"Hello..." the man smirked.

"Oh, do you live here?" Hector asked.

"Umm... yes! I mean no. I do not" the man responded. "I'm simply a traveller who got tired from travelling in the woods and decided to stop here."

"Really?" Hector asked.

"No, you idiot. Look at the robes. I'm a druid studying dark magic" the man shook his head. "My name's Teodor."

"Oh? Well, nice to meet you, Teodor" Hector extended a hand, and the druid extended his own and shook it.

Just then, Eliwood approached. "Hey, Hector! Erk lit a fire and we're cooking up some meat. We're gonna have lunch here! Come on... oh? Who's this?"

"A druid named Teodor" Hector smiled, then he turned to Teodor. "You wanna eat with us?"

"Really?" Teodor's face lit up a bit. "I'd love to eat with you."

"Really?" Eliwood smiled.

"No, I hate your guts and I pray for your slow and painful death."

"Come again?"

"I'd love to."

* * *

Inside, everyone was seated in a circle, except for Kozo and Ninian, who were nowhere to be seen.

"This doesn't taste too good..." Hector whined.

"You don't like my cooking, my lord?" Matthew asked.

"Well... it's nothing like Lowen's. And we've had that so much that I've got used to it" Hector stated.

"Well, I'm still taking offence to that" Matthew sighed, before sitting back down.

"An interesting crew, here..." Teodor looked around. "Shamans, thieves, nobles, mages, clerics, archers, woodcutters..."

"We do not have any woodcutters" Bartre blinked, looking around, confused.

"He means you" Wil sighed.

"But I'm not a woodcutter" Bartre stated. "I am Bartre the Brave! With the greatest axe in the land! I..."

"Okay, that's enough, Bartre. I think he gets it" Oswin sighed.

"So who really leads this group? Why are you here?" Teodor asked. "An unusual crew like this must have some story behind them..."

About seven different people tried to speak at once.

"Well, we're here to save my father..." Eliwood started.

"We're going to the Dragon's Gate" Erk added in.

"We're busy cracking skulls" Hector grinned.

"We're trying to find some of our missing companions" Wil quipped in.

"I'm busy trying to protect this idiot" Oswin pointed at Hector.

"I'm travelling with my escort" Priscilla pointed to Erk.

Teodor spun a bit. "Wait, wait, one at a time!"

"Well, allow me then" Canas spoke up. "Essentially, we are all here in an attempt to help sir Eliwood find his father, and stop a possible rebellion by the Marquess Laus."

"You are almost an army here!" Teodor stated. "Who leads you?"

"Well, Cecil usually commands us, being the tactician and all" Eliwood observed. "But he's lost out there somewhere with our cleric..."

"But what about Kozo?" Lyn asked. "He's our other tactician. He's a shaman, like Canas and you."

Teodor's eyes flashed. "...Kozo? Where is he right now?"

"Somewhere around here, with a companion of ours named Ninian" Erk explained.

Teodor set down the let of chicken he had been eating, since it was finished, and he stood up. "Well, thank you for everything, but I must be continuing on my way... I have much to study in the ancient texts and runes around this place..."

"Ancient texts? Ruins?" Canas perked up all of a sudden. "I must see all of this!" and with that, he bolted off in a random direction. Teodor then walked off in different direction.

"...Shamans..." Hector shook his head. "I don't understand them at all."

* * *

In a library full of dusty, ancient tomes, Ninian was sitting down in a chair, staring at an open page with a picture, the contents of which couldn't be seen from here. Kozo was stalking about at a bookshelf, skimming through titles with a heavy interest.

"Hmm... let's see... 'The Spells of Darkness'... 'Becoming a Druid'... 'The Idiot's Guide to Shamanism'... 'The River of Shadows'... 'Boys of Bern Volume 3'... there's got to be something in here worth reading..." Kozo sighed. "I've read all of these already..." With that said, he tucked the last of the books into his robes (For later reference), and continued to study the shelves.

Then his eyes hit the final book on the shelf, which was completely unmarked. "Hmm? What's... this?"

He took the book off of the shelf, and opened it up. He saw that most of it was empty, except for something scrawled onto the back page.

_My name is Bramimond. I have erased the rest of the contents of this journal in an effort to forget myself, for that is the path to learning the true powers of darkness. I must learn them to defeat the dragons, for if I do not, the world could be doomed. For those of you that may someday read this, however, this library contains all of the things I used to learn how to become a true follower of darkness. Every spell one can learn while remaining human, every detail of the rites of passage to become a true Dark Druid, they are all here._

Kozo's mouth fell open. "Bramimond? This... was where he learned his arts of Shamanism? The great Bramimond who was a hero in the Scouring? This... this is amazing! Maybe somewhere here is his spell, Erish..."

"Excuse me, are you Kozo?"

Kozo turned, to see a druid standing in the doorway, the hood covering up his face. Ninian didn't move an inch. Kozo blinked.

"Ah, yes, I am. You are?"

"A new friend of your allies."

"Really now?"

"No, actually, I'm Teodor of the Black Fang and I'm here to kill you before you can help your friends, you traitor" Teodor lowered his hood, then cursed.

"Ah, yes, Teodor, I should have recognised you. You never could lie twice in a row."

"Shut up and prepare yourself, Kozo!" Teodor shouted, raising his arm and summoning a circle of black magic around it, before flinging it at Kozo.

The Shaman jumped back, the ring striking him in the arm. He cursed and grabbed the spot where it had struck, a bit of blood staining his hands.

"D-Damn it... I forgot how strong you always were, Teodor the Shrike..." Kozo muttered, shifting a bit, seemingly nervous. "But you know, I've got much better. Nosferatu!"

Teodor let out a grunt as a black ball of energy shot out of him, connecting with Kozo's wound. The wound healed itself almost instantly.

"Your power is nothing compared to mine! Eclipse!" Teodor shouted. Black runes circled around Kozo for a few moments, before they shot into his body and out the opposite side. The shaman let out a harsh yell and fell to his knees, breathing deep.

"Teodor... I'll show you... Fen... Fe..." Kozo growled, trying to chant out a spell, but he couldn't manage it.

"...One Eclipse and this is what you're down to? How pathetic..." Teodor shook his head. "Now, then... Nosferatu!"

Kozo shouted, as energy was drawn out of him. The teenage shaman shook a bit, half-collapsing against the bookshelf.

"Okay, now then, enough of this" Teodor shook his head, turning to Ninian, who was oblivious to everything that was going on around her. "Besides, master Nergal will reward me well if I get this girl and bring her back to him..."

"N-Ninian..." Kozo breathed, a surge of anger tearing through him. "Don't you dare!"

A book fell off of the shelf right behind Kozo, and he blinked twice and looked at it. He strained to pick up the book, and started to read aloud.

* * *

In the next room, Canas was shifting through a tome. "Hmm... none of these books are about Shamanism at all. They're all about the Scouring... which is interesting, all right, but it certainly is not what I was quite expecting when that druid Teodor said. And some of these materials are just plain silly. I mean...Great Earthworms named Stanley throughout History? Self-Defense with Belly-Button Lint? Picture Guide to Stomach Flu Volume 8?"

The entire room shook as a pulse of black energy tore through the room, accompanied by a shout bordering on a roar. Bricks shook, books flew across the room, and Canas' hair stood on end.

The shaman shook. "What in the name of the dark one was that? Oh! Oh no! My books!" Canas looked at the texts that had been scattered around the room. They had been practically disintegrated by the magic, their words unreadable. "Oh, whoever is responsible for this will suffer..."

* * *

"How... how could you have...?" Teodor gasped, shaking, before he collapsed onto the ground, dead.

Kozo stood up, heaving, holding onto his sides, tucking the book he had found into his robes for safekeeping. "...I never thought I'd have to... do that here..." he stumbled a bit and started to fall.

As he did, he was caught by Matthew, who had run in at just that point.

"M-Matthew..." Kozo breathed out.

"Hey, what the hell did you do in here?" Matthew asked, looking around. "You're really badly beaten up, and all those books are all burned up... all I heard was this load shout and then my hair was standing on end..."

Kozo sighed. "Just got into a bit of a fight. Don't worry 'bout it, cutie" and with that, he snuggled into Matthew's arms.

The thief started, dropping Kozo hard on the ground. He shouted in protest, standing up slowly. "Hey! Don't you know not to drop an injured man!"

"Kozo! Matthew! Ninian! What's going on in here?" Lyn ran in, followed quickly by everyone else.

"No! In here, too! All the books are ruined! Years of research from ancient times! Who's responsible for this?" Canas looked around, wildly.

Kozo laughed nervously. "Umm... whoops? I didn't mean too, but..."

Canas looked shaken, then he looked down at Teodor. "What happened to him? Kozo! Why did you kill a high-ranking druid like him?"

"He was with Black Fang..." Kozo explained. "He was going to kill Ninian and me, and then you guys too..."

"What? Really?" Bartre blinked. "That one flew right over my head..."

"More importantly, is Ninian all right?" Lyn ran over to the girl.

"Y-Yeah, she's fine..." Kozo said. "Leave her be. She... needs a bit of time yet, okay?"

Lyn blinked, looked down at the picture Ninian was still staring at, then nodded. "Alright, everyone, let's go. Comeon. Everybody out. Let's go. Move it!"

Quickly, everyone was shuffled out, leaving behind Kozo and Ninian.

"...Thank you... Kozo..." Ninian smiled a bit, not raising her head. "I don't know... who you really are, but thank you..."

Kozo smiled. "It's okay, Ninian. I did what I had to. I hope your memory returns soon."

* * *

"So, Lyn, do you really think it's okay leaving a wounded Kozo with Ninian? Aren't they a bit... lacking in defence?" Wil asked, blinking.

"They'll be fine, I think" Lyn smiled. "But... I just don't understand..."

"Understand what?" Eliwood asked.

"The picture Ninian was looking at, in that book. It was a picture of a human and a dragon, from the Scouring."

"Really? ...I wanna see a dragon..." Eliwood pouted.

"Except it was weird" Lyn shook her head. "They looked like they were... getting along. It was... eerie."

"Humans and dragons getting along? That's impossible" Hector huffed. "Everyone knows dragons are destructive and evil!"

"Are they really?" Kozo asked, startling them.

"Kozo!" Eliwood jumped. "You startled us."

"You've never met a dragon, have you, Hector?" Kozo asked.

"Well, no, not really... but all the stories I've heard..." Hector started.

"Come from a generation who was prejudiced against the dragon race and tried to destroy them a thousand years ago" Kozo interrupted him. "So until you've met a dragon for certain, you idiot, I highly suggest that you keep your dirty upstart noble mouth shut, okay?"

Hector blinked, as Kozo stomped off a bit to go join the others (and try to make passes at Matthew). "What's got him all riled up?"

"Hey, Ninian!" Lyn suddenly spotted the dancer, who was walking towards them, still looking quite distant. "Are you okay?"

"Yes. ...We should go on..." Ninian stated, emptily.

"You sure?"

"Yes"

"Well, alright then!" Wil smiled, spotting the rest of their group starting to march towards them. "Hey! Guys! Looks like we're off to the Dragon's Gate now! We've found her!"

And with that, the group left. All except for Kozo, who stood standing at the entrance to the ruins. Everyone went on ahead, barely noticing.

"..." Kozo stared about. "This place... this place is so... so..."

"Umm... Kozo?" Guy asked, cautiously, from behind him.

"Yeah, Guy?" Kozo asked, too preoccupied to flirt.

"Are you coming with us?"

"Oh, sure, yeah. Sorry. I'll catch up in a minute" Kozo answered, not even turning.

As Guy ran off, he thought to himself, _Gods, I'm lucky. He's always flirted with me every time he talks to me... something must really be on his mind. Oh well. Lucky me!

* * *

_

A few minutes after the group left, a druid teleported into the ruins, a blue turban wrapped around his head and covering his right eye. He looked around. 

"...This place, why am I here? I should be at the Dragon's Gate! The Teleport spell must have malfunctioned. What a piece of crap. I knew I should have learned it from a more reliable source than 'The Idiot's Guide to Shamanism'..."

Then the druid perked up, as he examined his surroundings. "Hmm... wait a second, I remember this place. I left something here a long time ago... but what was it?"

Then he shrugged. "Ah, oh well. It can't have been that important. I mean, I've never come back to get it, now, have I?"

And with that, the druid made a couple chants and disappeared.

* * *

"Well, Chibi-Zell? How'd it go?" Yoshimo asked.

Chibi-Zell fell backwards, exhausted. "There. Just in time. Hot off the press for your eyes only. And I somehow managed to follow your instructions."

"...Wow" Yoshimo commented.

"Yeah, well, wait until you take a look at it. Oh, by the way, I think we're running out of narrorators."

"What, again?"

"Yeah, apparently, they're all being flattened by a giant an...a giant an..."

"A giant anvil?" the new narrorator asked.

WHAM!

"Yeah. Anyway, I... need to rest. That was exhausting, doing all of that."

"But you can't go anywhere!" Yoshimo complained. "We have the Wheel of Randomosity to do! This **is** a Gaiden chapter, after all!"

"What...? Ah, CRAP" Chibi-Zell swore at the top of his lungs. "Okay, whatever, where is it?"

"Okay, boys. Lower it down."

Two large wheels suddenly fell onto the ground in front of the two of them. One of them landed right on Yoshimo's foot.

"Oww! Oooh, ahhh... Sonova..." Yoshimo started to curse, hopping around and holding his poor damaged toe. "I said lower it, you stupid..."

"Umm... Yoshimo. Everyone's here. We need to do this. Stop playing Dance Dance Revolution with one foot there and get your ass over here" Chibi-Zell sighed.

"Ehehe, yeah, sorry..." Yoshimo sighed, wincing and limping as he walked over to Chibi-Zell. "Okay, so welcome to the Wheel of Randomosity, yadda yadda yadda."

"Please don't make me kiss a guy..." Sain prayed silently.

"Please don't make me kiss Serra..." Erk prayed silently.

"Please make me kiss Lyn..." Florina prayed silently.

"Umm, anyway, we're not gonna bother with the whole volunteers thing. Let's just spin" Chibi-Zell and Yoshimo both spun their wheel simultaneously.

"Hey, wait, I was gonna spin first!" Chibi-Zell growled.

"I thought you meant for me to spin!" Yoshimo defended.

"Don't you know anything? We can't both spin at once! That's not how it works!"

"Wait a second, the wheels are stopping and we haven't sung our song!" Yoshimo gasped.

Chibi-Zell gasped too. "Oh no! Wheelorandomositywhirlhirlhirlgiveusapairinandonmakeushurl!" the chibi's mouth moved at insane speeds and finished the rhyme just in time, as the wheels came to a stop.

Yoshimo looked over the two it landed on. "Well, that's random all right" he pointed out.

It had landed on Hector and Raven, of all people. "Alright, let's get them out here." Chibi-Zell was already off to find them. Minoa was already off drawing some little Hector/Raven drawings.

Yoshimo sighed. "Must she ALWAYS do that?"

"I got the suckers" Chibi-Zell reported, dragging along Hector, and Raven being dragged by Kozo.

"This should be fun" the shaman said with a malice grin.

_Now's my chance_ Raven thought to himself. _I'll be rid of him for good, now!_

_Now's my chance_ Hector thought. _I can get rid of that creepy bastard once and for all!_

"Well, you know the drill. Pucker up" Yoshimo sighed.

Hector and Raven both nodded, hiding their weapons of choice behind their backs. They turned to each other, and gave each other a kiss on the lips. Hector brought his arms around Raven, looking like a hug. In reality, he was getting ready to bring his axe around and get Raven in the back. Problem was, Hector's arms were so large compared to Raven's torso, the axe was unable to find a good enough spot to strike.

Raven was experiencing somewhat similar problems. While his sword could normally cut through armor, Hector must've put some pretty sturdy stuff into his suit. As such, his sword couldn't find home.

This continued for a while. Kozo raised an eyebrow. "They've been going at it longer than any other pairing before..." he observed.

"This might take a while...so, anyway, that's all for today. I'm Yoshimo..."

"I am Chibi-Zell..."

"And I'm STILL watching them go at it..." Kozo pointed out.


	32. Side Chapter Four: Plot Hole!

**Fire Emblem 7, the Parody  
Side Chapter 4: Plot Hole!  
(a.k.a: Chapter 18xxx: No, this is not a dirty chapter)**

Author's Note: Man, that's the second time I've had to use an author's note...why do I feel like that's not a good sign? Anyway, to those who pointed out little errors in the previous chapter, we would just like to clear our names by saying those were intentionally. In the instence of the three children instead of two, if you've been following the story really closely and looking at the hints, you may know who that third child is. Like the rest of us here.

"Hey, wait" Cecil interupted. "_I _don't know what's going on around here!"

"Neither do I" Eliwood shook his head.

"Going over my head" Serra shrugged.

Author's Note: Well, most of us here.

* * *

Nergal huffed, as he observed the heroes through his Magic Cel-Phone Camera (patent pending). He turned off the camera, and quickly dialed. "Stupid...Uhai, Aion and Teodor. See if I ever do them another favor..." he grumbled, as the phone continued to ring.

_-click- "You've reached Minoa, but if you don't make this quick, you'll wish you hadn't. Unless, of course, you're a total bishonen - in which case, come down to my place right away, I'll be sure to accomodate you very well! And then you can meet all the other caged... er... household pets... er... bishonen. Of course, if you're not one of them, but you have a really good reason for calling - and not what _you_ think is a really good reason, I mean, what I think is a really good reason - then leave a message at the sound of the bishonen meowing, as well as your phone number, because I'll never remember it otherwises." -meow-_

"Minoa, this is Nergal, behind the scenes leader of the Black Fang. Listen, I've got a job that only a twisted woman such as yourself could handle" the druid said into the phone. "I need you to get to the Dread Isle in an instant, and keep a group of pests from getting to my headquarters before I'm ready. And just to get you interested in this job, I suppose SOME of them could be called cute...according to your standards of course." With that, he reached for the 'End' button, before talking into the phone again. "Oh, right, the number. It's 'YOU-SUCK' - that's 968-7825."

click-

* * *

"Come on, I made plenty for everyone!" Winny insisted, holding up a large tray of meatloaf.

"Winny, that's the seventh serving of meatloaf you've made for us" Eliwood groaned, holding his bloated stomach. "I highly doubt anyone but Hector and Bartre--"

Fump! Hector fell over from his seat, holding his stomach. "Okay, Bartre, you win..." he groaned.

"...Anyone but Bartre could apprciate your fine cooking...unless it's not meatloaf."

Winny looked left. He looked right. He turned his back on Eliwood, and fiddled with a few ingredients. He turned back to face Eliwood, a nice little cake in his hands, smothered with icing. "I made dessert!"

Eliwood reached over to the cake with his fork, and took a bite. He chewed on the morsel a bit, before stopping. He looked over at Winny, eyes narrow. "This is meatloaf, isn't it?"

"Yes."

Meanwhile, on the other side of the camp fire, Lucius had just finished talking to Raven about battle strategies for the upcoming siege. As well as other things that came up out of no where. Eventually, the mercenary got to his feet, and walked off to talk with Priscilla. The monk watched him leave, smiling.

Kozo stood over Lucius, smirking. "So, you're in love with this Raven guy, aren't you?"

Lucius's eyes widened before he looked up at Kozo, shaking his head furiously. "Wh..what? Where did you get that notion?"

"I asked you a yes-or-no question."

"No!"

"Ah. I see. Denial! Come with me." With that, Kozo took Lucius by the hair, and dragged him off.

"Ow! My hair! You're pulling the--ow!"

* * *

About an hour later, Guy, Kozo and Lucius returned to the campsite, although Lucius was shivering and Guy was gasping for breath.

The shaman blinked, and looked over at Guy. "What happened to you?"

"Training with Matthew..."

Kozo looked at Guy, blinking. "...Really?" he asked, a grin forming on his face.

Guy suddenly raised his arms up, waving his hands. "No, no, I mean, he's very fast, and I was just having trouble keeping up and..."

"Really?"

"...Forget I said anything..." Guy sighed in defeat. He then noticed the quivering monk. "What did you do to Lucius?"

"I was just teaching him the facts of life."

"You WHAT?"

"How come it wasn't in a scene?" Raven asked, approaching.

"Because this is NOT a dirty chapter" Kozo informed. "Don't you ever pay attention to the first few words of the chapter?"

"It was very...informative..." Lucius squeaked.

"But just what DID you do to him?" Guy asked.

"Eh, just brought him to the next-door studio that was busy filming My Emerald" Kozo said with an innocent shrug.

"Discarded clothing...everywhere...I'm scared...Raven, hold me..."

"...What?" the mercenary asked in a calm tone, while the myrmidon asked in shocked tone. Lucius clinged onto Raven's leg, eyes still wide, body still shaking.

"I am always right about these things" Kozo said with a grin, before leaving.

* * *

Cecil laid on his back, staring up at the stary sky. Sure the woods were creepy and probably haunted, he was hopelessly lost, the fire died five minutes ago, it was cold as the deepest plains of Illia, and he wasn't able to get any sleep, but at least the stars were as beautiful as ever.

He was busy piecing together a few constillations, and trying to make some of his own, before he heard some rather audiable chattering of teeth. He looked over to his left, and saw Serra, curled up in a ball, shivering.

The tactician looked at the poor girl, feeling pity for her. "...Here" he said simply, taking off his cloak, and placing it over the young cleric as though it were a blanket.

Serra opened her eyes, before feeling her new blanket. She propped herself up on her elbows, and looked over at Cecil. "Won't you be cold?" she asked.

The tactician smirked, and brushed his thumb under his nose. "Doesn't really bother me" he explained. "You seemed like you needed it more than I did anyway."

Serra opened her mouth to argue, but just smiled. "Thanks" she said simply.

Cecil suddenly started snickering. Serra huffed, and glared at the tactician. "What's so funny?" she asked, sounding insulted.

"Erk's been greatly over exagerating the horror stories about you. You actually seem quite nice."

Serra turned red a bit. "Yeah, well, Erk..." she twiddled her thumbs. "Whenever I'm around the guy, I just seem to get nervous, and things slip out. Things that he probably doesn't like..."

"Like bossing him around, forcing him to get things?"

"Yeah, stuff like that."

"I've seen weird ways for people to express a liking for someone, but that's a new one" Cecil said with a shrug. Before Serra could further the arguement, he turned to his side, and yawned. "Sleep well."

Serra glared at Cecil's back, before her eyes softened, and she smiled. "You too."

* * *

Birds flew over the forest. Minoa placed down the final, almost invisible hole, and wiped her brow. "There, that's the last one" she beamed. She turned around, and looked down the trail. "Ha, Nergal wants me to keep them busy, huh? Well, they'll almost never make it to his place in under a week with all these Plot Holes I set. Now, I'll just go home and..."

She stopped, and looked around. "Um...where did I put them all again? ...Okay, Minoa, you can do this. Now, I know I put one here, so if I step to the left--"

VIP!

Minoa vanished into thin air. She reappeared a few minutes later, on a tree branch. She blinked, eyes wide. "Well, didn't see that coming..."

* * *

Eliwood streached his arms over his head, and followed the gnome as he continued to lead them through the woods. "It shouldn't take more than an hour or two now" Winny explained, actually letting the group move at a comfortable walking pace.

"Finally" Hector sighed. "I am getting SICK of this island."

"Indeed" Fiora nodded. "This whole island depresses me."

"Whoa, where did you come from?" Guy asked, shocked.

Dart grunted, and put his arms over his chest. "Look, just because we weren't in the last two chapters doesn't mean we vanished."

"Sometimes I wish I could vanish..." Oswin sighed.

Sain approached Lyn, beaming. "Hey Lyndis, how about a race to the Dragon's Gate?" he suggested. "If I win, you have to go on a date with me."

Lyn looked up at Sain, unamused. "I'll give you five bucks if you run off and never return" she offered.

"I'll take that as an acceptence to my challenge!" Sain beamed, before racing off, on foot.

"Sain, you probably should be careful" Kent warned. "We don't know what else is in these--"

"Aie!" Sain yelped, as he fell through the ground, even though there was no visible hole.

* * *

The green knight landed with a soft bump on the ground. "Ow..." he moaned quietly, before looking forward. He appeared to be in a medical tent, and it was midmorning. "Where am I?" he wondered aloud.

He suddenly heard the smacking of lips, and a soft, sensual and almost familiar groan, as though there was a deep kiss going on. Sain turned his head, and his jaw dropped. His eyes glistened, and he clapped his hands together, practically drooling.

* * *

Kent dug his hand into the ground, still amazed his hand passed through. "Now I think this was where he fell..." he muttered.

* * *

"Yeah, that's it, lower the hand, and take off the...yeah, that's the good stuff" Sain suggested, still watching from a few feet distence.

Suddenly, an armoured hand reached down, and grabbed the back of Sain's collar, before lifting him through the air, and through the plot hole, back to the present date.

* * *

"Welcome back" Kent said flatly, as Sain got to his feet back on the Dread Isle.

"What?" Sain paniked, looking around. "No, no, I wanna go back! It was just getting good!" he whined. He looked around, and focused on a spot on the trail. "I know it was here..."

He rushed over to the spot, and started hopping up and down on it. "Come on, you stupid hole, open up! I want to go back!"

Lyn shook her head, and kept walking. "I don't want to know what that was all about.." she muttered, before she suddenly fell through the ground.

* * *

Lyn felt like she hit the ground hard, even though she was standing. She shook her head, and looked to her left. White walls, flowers drapped across the ceiling, pews lined up behind her...she was no doubt at a church, and from where she was standing, probably a wedding.

She looked down, inspecting her own body. She was garbbed in a traditional, tribal wedding gown. Which wasn't too different from her usual outfit: just a little longer and fuller. Lyn decided not to look at who she was standing next to, figuring the suspence would kill her when she returned to reality.

Lucius, who was the pastor at the wedding, continued with his little sermon, until he reached the final stage. "If anyone has reason why these two should not be joined, speak now, or forever hold your peace."

Sain, from one of the pews, suddenly burst from his seat, obviously holding it in for a long time. "I objeeeeeeeeeeeeect!" he shouted dramatically, and kept shouting.

Kent, who was sitting next to him, stood up, and wrapped his arm around one of Sain's, and Eliwood approached, and took the other arm. The two dragged the screaming knight away, and Lyn sighed.

"...Right, well..." Lucius continued. "If anyone IMPORTANT has a reason why these two should not be joined, speak now, or--"

The doors flew open again, as Sain rushed in. "Objeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeect!" he continued to the scream.

Kent and Eliwood rushed in, and grabbed Sain, attempting to drag him away again. "Sorry Lady Lyndis!" Kent apologized over the screaming. "He slipped away from us!"

* * *

After a bit longer, Lyn landed back in reality, falling on her duff. "Ow..." she groaned, rubbing her posterior.

"Lady Lyndis!" Florina quipped up, rushing over, and helping up her friend. She quickly dusted her off, and smiled up at her. "You okay?" she asked.

"I saw the weirdest thing..." Lyn explained. "I was at...my own wedding..."

"Oh, my Lady Lyndis!" Sain professed, getting on one knee before her. "I am truely honoured that you will one day return my--"

"It wasn't to you, green boy" Lyn said with a glare. "Likewise, it wasn't to Kent or Eliwood either."

Eliwood snapped his fingers in dissapointment. Kent folded his arms over his chest. "Then who was it you were marrying?"

"I don't know, and I don't want to know just now" Lyn explained shaking her head. "The suspence would kill me."

From the sidelines, Kozo nudged Wil in the side. "I'll bet you five bucks it's Florina" he wagered.

Wil beamed, and nodded. "You're on."

"I also seem to remember Wil giving Kozo a five dollar bill, for some reason..." Lyn continued suddenly.

Kozo nodded, and Wil snapped his fingers in disapointment. "Alright, here's your winnings in advance..." Wil grumbled, handing over five dollars to the shaman.

Lyn suddenly shook her head. "Wait...where'd that memory come from, that didn't happen."

Wil looked over at Lyn, before taking his five back.

"No, wait, there it is, I see it now!"

Wil hovered his five dollars near Kozo's hand again.

"Ah. It's gone again."

The archer beamed. "This should be fun" he nodded. He constantly alternated between taking back his money and giving it to Kozo.

"It's back. It's gone. It's back. It's gone. It's back. It's gone..." Lyn repeated.

Wil beamed, obviously enjoying the show. "I could keep this up for hours..." he said with a nod.

SMACK!

Rebecca stormed off, holding the five dollars in her hand. "Stupid...no good jerk who...dumped me...all the same..." she grumbled under her breath.

Wil rubbed the back of his head, over the sore spot to be exact. "What was that all about?" he wondered out loud. "I can understand the whole money thing, but we never dated, even shown more interest in each other than friends would do when we were kids, so why..."

Kozo opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it, shaking his head. "Nah, I was already right about two things this chapter, I probably shouldn't do any more relationship meta-gaming."

"Could anyone please explain these weird things?" Eliwood asked, appearing to have arrived out of no where, after vanishing in the same while Lyn was trying to remember wheither or not Wil gave Kozo five bucks. "Why would there be weird rifts in time that give us glimpses of the future like that?"

"I wouldn't know..." Hector muttered, shaking his head. "They sound like plot holes in the story...in any case, we should proceed with caution." He took the front, and walked along. "We'll never know when we fall into a--" He vanished.

And reappeared in a second. "Plot hole. What are you all laughing at?"

Note: Go ahead, think up your own explanation as to why everyone's laughing at Hector right now

After a few more minutes, Hector had righted himself, and Winny walked over towards a tree, a tree with a strange trunk. He poked his hand through, and the hand vanished. The gnome stuck his head in, and popped out. "Oh...I got nothing...unless..." he picked up a rock, and whipped it into the tree.

He quickly placed his ear near the hole, and listened carefully. "Ah! My eye!" Sain screamed from the other end of the hole.

"hee hee hee..." Winny snickered.

* * *

"And we'll brake for a few minutes, people" Yoshimo said into the megaphone. As the actors went off to do their thing, Yoshimo stood up, and hunted for Minoa.

He found her in the green room, staring at several pictures she drew of various (if lewd) things. "Minoa, can I ask you something?" he asked.

"Wha!" Minoa yelped, instantly, closing her doodlebook, and hiding it behind her back. "You saw nothing!" she said to the director.

"...But I didn't" Yoshimo explained.

"Good. Just keep that up and we'll have no trouble."

"But I seriously didn't...oh never mind. Mind if I ask you something about your performance today?"

"Yeah. I know, I know, it wasn't my best work, but--"

"No, no, your acting was great. I was just wondering about your..."

"Yes?"

"Your placement of the plot holes. More exactly, why did you put one on a tree?"

"Well I needed something vertical for Winny to whip a rock out."

"And about that. What was that all about?"

"Something Winny, Sain-honey and I came up with."

"And I'm starting to regret the idea" Sain said, walking past the two, an icepack over his left eye.

Yoshimo watched as Sain walked by, and shook his head. "I think I'll save the answer to that for later..."

* * *

"Okay, everyone back in their places, and...action!"

Kent grumbled, arms folded over his chest. "Okay, now these plot holes are just getting stupid. When am I ever going to wear this get-up?" he asked, disgruntled. He adjusted the fruit hat on his head. Yes, Kent had fallen into a plot hole, and came out a male Carmen Maranda.

Eliwood was snickering. Lyn was laughing. Kozo looked up at Sain. "Hey, Sain...you're blushing."

"No, I'm still red with anger that Kent interrupted one of the greatest things I've seen in my life, AND Lady Lyndis ditched me..." the green knight grumbled.

"And you've got little hearts hovering over your head."

Sain looked up. "Oh. Well, that's a serious health problem. I need to get that checked when we get home."

"And you're hovering."

"That...It...I've got nothing."

Fiora looked left. She then looked right. "Has anyone seen the thief, or the myrmidon?" she asked, scratching her head.

"No, but if you want, I can go look for them" Florina offered, nodding.

"Please do. I'm worried if they wandered off on their own."

Florina turned towards the woods, and walked off, looking for the two missing companions...Well, the two more RECENT missing companions.

After a minute of searching, she sighed. "Where could they be?" she wondered outloud, leaning against a tree.

Vip! Appearing in front of the young pegasus knight where Matthew and Guy...kissing...

Florina gaped. "Oh...oh my!" she yelped.

Matthew opened his eyes. Guy opened his as well. The two stood frozen, before breaking off, choking and wheezing. "Oh, CHRIST!" Matthew shouted. "When does THIS happen in the storyline?"

"I don't know...and I don't want to know..." Guy whimpered. "Someone get me some water..."

Matthew looked up, and noticed Florina standing nearby. She instantly ducked behind a tree. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! I saw everything!"

"Florina..." Matthew sighed, "I want you to forget ever seeing that, alright?"

"Done!"

* * *

After another hour of falling into various plot holes, the group finally arrived near the end of the trail. "There!" Hector gasped, tired. "I think that gnome is taking care of the last plot hole..."

Winny Gnome hung at the back of the group, constantly sticking his hand in and out of a plot hole, poking finger extended. Suddenly, there was a loud scream from the hole, and Winny stopped.

"Was that Sain just now?" Kent asked.

"Eh, doesn't concern us right now" Winny shrugged. "Jeez, hope they still have at least one phoenix down by then..."

"Right, so now all we have to do is--holy gosh!" Lowen gasped. "Look! Up ahead!"

* * *

Cecil blinked, and looked ahead. "Serra..." he beamed widely. "There they are! We found them!"

Serra looked, and grinned as well, eyes focused on one individual. "Erky!" she squealed in sure joy, before rushing towards the magic user.

"Oh dear god..." Erk whimpered, ducking his hands over his face.

Serra was about to reach the purple haired mage, and trap him in a big hug, before suddenly falling through the ground.

Cecil approached the group, staring at the spot where she vanished. "What the..." he muttered. "What happened to her?"

"Plot hole" Eliwood explained. "It'd be best if we gave you the full details later."

"Full details?" Kent asked. "Sorry, but some of us would like to keep these little mishaps under our hats."

Before Cecil could ask further, there was a loud VIP noise, before Serra appeared just up and in front of him. She fell a few inches, before Cecil instinctively reached forward and caught her.

"Welcome back" Cecil said simply, before placing Serra down. He then blinked, and noticed the boqueat of flowers in her hands. "Say...where'd you get those from?"

Serra looked at her flowers, blinking. "I...don't know. There's a card here, though."

"Well, go on, read it. Who's it from?"

The cleric flipped open the card, and read aloud. "To my beloved Serra, from--"

FOOM! The flowers and the card both simeltaniously caught on fire. The two were then reduced to mere ashes. Cecil stood, gaping. "Wh...wh...ERK! What was that for?" Cecil shouted at the purple haired mage.

"It's quite simple" Erk explained, placing his hand to his side, the palm still letting off some smoke. "I toasted those flowers so that Serra would not reveal the name of the poor sap who would some day fall in love with her. Because then he'd know what was coming, and not fall in love, and as such, not by those flowers. Although, if the flowers were never bought, she wouldn't have a boqueat with which to bring back. As such, the poor fool wouldn't know, until it was too late, that he would fall in love with her, and buy the flowers. Which brings us back to--"

"Erk, wait, stop, my brain is bleeding in several places!" Cecil wailed, clenching his head.

Wil looked over at Serra, and shrugged. "She did take a look at the card. Serra, don't you remember what it said?"

"Of course" the cleric beamed. "It was from...uh...hmm...oh...nope, never mind, I lost it."

Cecil sighed, and shrugged his shoulders. "Well, we can't be too far from the Dragon's Gate. So we might as well keep going, right?"

"Say, how much further is it?" Raven inquired. "My feet are killing me."

"So cold..." Lucius shivered, still off in his own little world.

Winny stepped forward, and pushed a few bushes aside. "Oh, I'd say about fifteen feet" he explained.

Eliwood scratched the back of his head. "Well, that certainly makes things easier. Alright, everyone! Let us engage our foe, and tear them asunder!"

"Hey, I'm the commander here, I get to call the shots" Kozo huffed. He turned to face the company of quite unique adventurers. "Alright, let's go in there and kick some ass!"

The party proceded to exit through the bush, before, quite suddenly, Erk up and vanished. The people behind him stopped, and paitently waited for his plot hole to be finished (they figured that was what caused him to disappear).

A few moments later, Erk materialized back, blinked a few times, and looked over at Cecil. He put a comforting hand on his shoulder, and sighed. "Cecil, I don't know wheither I should cry for you, or laugh. ...Who am I kidding?" With that, Erk fell to the ground, laughing himself to tears.

Cecil watched Erk roll along the ground, unamused. "And might I ask WHY you almost debated wheither to laugh or cry?" he asked.

"N...no..." Erk said in between chuckles. "It'd just be too much to lay down in one sitting. All I...I can say is...hee hee...what were you drinking the night before that?"

"I don't drink."

"Then I seriously doubt the level of your intelligence. Or common sense."

"Yeah, can we stop making fun of me for whatever it is that I'm going to do in the future and just move on to the biggest battle of our lives?"

* * *

"And now, for a special, landmark episode of the Wheel of Randomosity!" Chibi-Zell cheered.

"Why is it landmarked?" Yoshimo asked.

"We don't know, it just is." Chibi-Zell instantly rushed off, and came back with two large dials. "Okay, let's just take this peg here and..." the wheel spun furiously, and Chibi-Zell nudged Yoshimo to sing his song.

"Alright, alright...wheelofrandomositywhirlwhirlwhirlgiveusapairinganddon'tmakeushurl" Yoshimo sang quickly, not really caring.

The dial began to slow down, and landed on...

"What the hell?" Yoshimo gaped. The unlucky sap that the dial landed on was...Yoshimo himself. "That's...that's impossible. I made absoluetely sure I wasn't on this damn wheel!" He sighed. "Alright, just spin the second one already."

After another several seconds of a spinning dial, the second sap was revealed. "And I am 100 certain she wasn't supposed to be up there either" Yoshimo pointed out.

Minoa approached the wheels, blinking. "Hmm? What's going on?" She then froze, as she saw the two pictures. She instantly glared over at Yoshimo. "You."

"Me?"

"What did you do?"

"Nothing! I had no hand in this! I even made certain that you weren't on that dial!"

"What, are you saying I'm not cut out for kissing on the--"

"No, no, that's not what I meant, I just...please don't kill me."

"Oh, I wouldn't take another person's life. I'm just going to make you wish for death. Now stand still for a minute." Minoa bent over, and slipped off her shoes, and took out steel toed boots.

"When I find the man responsible, he or she is a dead man or woman..." Yoshimo growled, before running away very quickly.

"Get back here, you jerk!" Minoa shouted, clanging after the director. "I'll teach you to rig the wheel like that!"

"But he didn't" Winny pointed out to Chibi-Zell, not even trying to stop the rampaging fangirl. "I did. It's amazing what you can do with a used car engine."

"Until next time, I'm Yoshimo..." Yoshimo yelped, rushing past the two, before Minoa rushed after him.

"I'm Chibi-Zell..."

"And I hope you didn't plan to have children, Yoshimo!" Minoa shouted.


	33. Coffee Break 4: All you people ever do

**Fire Emblem 7, the Parody  
Coffee Break 4: All you people ever do...**

Yoshimo sighed, as he punched in a few more buttons on his calculator. He scribbed a few things on his sheets, mumbiling several factors under his breath. Waiting for the director to finish were Chibi-Zell and Minoa, who were busy reading materials of questionable content.

Yoshimo then reached a part of the tax form that made him stop, and rub his cheek with the pencil. "Hey, could someone hand me the files of all our expenses a few months ago?" he asked, not looking up for his work.

"Mraaaaah..." came a low groan, as a decayed hand produced the file.

"Ah, thanks" Yoshimo nodded, still not looking up. He was about to open the file, when he noticed a gray, disgusting finger on it. "...Hey, buddy, what's the meaning behind--" the director started, looking up. He noticed, standing in front of him, was a gray zombie, missing pieces of skin all over the body, and clothed only in blue, tattered shorts.

"...What the crap" was Yoshimo's only remark, as he shook his head.

* * *

Florina was curled up on a couch in the green room, sleeping peacefully. A stealthy figure approached the sleeping actress, and sniffed at her neck.

Florina tensed a bit, but a small smile formed on her features. "Lyn-sama..." she breathed out.

The figure started licking at her neck. She started giggiling, blushing in her sleep. "Ah, Lyn-sama, we're in public...mmm...actually...a little lower..." her eyes started to flutter open, and her smile instantly vanished. What was actually licking her neck was an UGLY little creature, that looked like a rabid dog with olive green fur, but with bristly patches of sandy brown on its back and its neck.

Florina stared at the beast for a few seconds, before bursting from her spot on the couch. "EYYAAAAAA!" she screamed, bursting through the door.

* * *

"So then I said to him _I do not appreciate all these jokes you keep making about cyclopses. They are a very proud breed, you know_" Bartre continued, standing near a refreashment table, holding a cup of beer in his hand.

The cyclops he was talking to gave a loud series of grunts and groans, doing various hand gestures that seemed to lead to nothing, also holding a glass of beer in his left hand.

"Oh, I know what you mean, buddy!"

Dorcas approached Bartre, and looked up at his new friend. "Um...Bartre? You do realize you're having a conversation with a cyclops?"

"Yes. And what is the problem with that?"

"Well, he's not really keeping up the conversation. He's just giving various, incomprehensible groans and throwing his arms around like a lunitic."

"Actually, Gregory is very insightful about the world as we know it."

"...Never mind...I'll leave you and _Gregory_ to your conversation." Dorcas sighed, and left the room, defeated.

"...So, anyway, where was I?"

* * *

"Hey, stage hand!" Yoshimo shouted out, snapping his fingers.

Lucius approached the director, arms folded over his chest. "Hey, I already told you, that's a part time employment thing" he pointed out.

"Look, any idea as to why there was a zombie handiling my accounting, a mauthedog molesting Florina, and a cyclops apparently discussing life, the universe, and everything with Bartre?"

"Is that why we cannot know why that's the answer?" Bartre gasped. "That makes so much sense now!"

"Well, you know some of the studioes several blocks down?" Lucius explained in the form of another question. "And how one of them is handiling a movie about Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones?"

"Yes...?"

"Well, apparently, Leon went nuts with the monster creator."

"...Again?"

"Yes."

"That's the eighth time this month..." Yoshimo sighed, furrowing his brow. "And I am getting sick of having to buy actual equipment for everyone to subdue them with." He turned around, and walked off.

"Where are you going?" Lucius asked.

"I'm going to get the big guns. Guns so big, it'll get my message across to Leon quite clearly" Yoshimo explained.

* * *

Yoshimo eventually found his gun, who was sitting in the form of an annoyingly little gnome, twin rapiers in his sheaths, and listening to loud video game music through a pair of headphones. "Winny!" he shouted. He got no answer. "Winny!"

The gnome took off his headphones, and looked up at Yoshimo. The director shook his head. "Man, that thing was loud" he observed.

"What?" Winny asked loudly.

"Look, Winny, as reluctent as I am to do this, I need some help that only you can provide."

"Sure thing!" Winny answered as loudly as the first time.

"Would you quiet down? Jeez..."

"So, what do you need?"

"I need that bear of your's to do some monster extermination around the studio."

"Oh. Gee, I don't know, she just woke up a short while ago, and she's still pretty tired."

"Well, what, do you expect me to wait until August when she'll actually move more than seven feet without yawning? Look, I'm not willing to wait for your lazy bear to wake up, I need her size to help me with getting rid of these things."

"Oh, don't put it like that. She Tyra's very sensitive about her weight."

"Winny, she was BORN to be bigger than the usual bear. Just didn't expect her to be as lazy as she was large...Can she help or not?"

"Well, sure she can help, but she's not going to chase down every last monster."

Yoshimo bowed his head, thinking for a few seconds, before nodding. "Alright, get her to the parking lot. They'll be there."

Winny nodded in return, and left to get his animal companion. Yoshimo walked back towards the parking lot. "Now, to get those monsters to gather in that place all at once. Hmm..."

* * *

"Why do _I_ have to be the live bait?" Sain screamed, kicking in the air, dangiling from a crane.

"Because you picked the blue straw in the drawing" Yoshimo explained, finishing up with his sign.

"It's the SHORT straw that gets singled out!" Sain continued to shout.

"You're already live bait. _Habitual Cheater_ won't look any better on your resume." Yoshimo put away his paint before taking his sign over towards the entrance to the studio. He nailed it down, and smiled. "This should get those stupid monsters to come."

The sign read: _FreeCavalier bait. All monsters welcome. Bring a friend_

Sure enough, in only a matter of minutes, every last monster that had arrived at the studio were now huddled underneath Sain. "Yoshimo, do something!" Sain begged. "They're forming a group huddle!"

"So then you get on his shoulders, and then--" the medusa continued, before they all looked up at Sain. Sain looked back down at them. The monsters returned to their huddle, but slowly inched away.

"Don't worry, any second now, our pest control should come" Yoshimo assured the green knight, leaning against the crane, and looking at his pocket watch.

There were dull, rythmic thumping noises, as the ground started shaking. The snakes on the medusa's head started to hiss irritably. A mauthdog whimpered, and ducked underneath the cyclops. A loose eye in one of the zombie's eye sockets kept bobbing up and down with each thump.

Finally, the source of the noise peeked out from behind the studios, and stepped into plain view, revealing itself as the BIGGEST bear anyone had ever seen. If anything, this bear was certainly bigger than a small house, and that was on all fours. It stood up on its hind legs, gaining some more height, and let out a roar.

Since the monsters couldn't feel fear, they were unable to get the idea that maybe they should leave, before they got a first class, dire-bear pummeling. The bear raised her left paw, and took a long swoop at the front row of monsters, sending canines, skeletons and evil eyes flying this way and that.

As general mashing ensured, Yoshimo lowered the crane, and took his time getting Sain out of his bindings. "Excellent work, Sain. Couldn't have picked a better live--"

"Oh shut up..." Sain groaned.

* * *

A roughish young man wiped his brow, and exhaled. He wore a set of rougish, if noble, clothes, brown and navy blue in colour, and his hair was brown, tied in a ponytail. He took the bobby pin he had in his hand, and replaced it in his hair. "And that's how you pick 87 of all the world's locking mechanisims using only your ears and a bobby pin" he concluded.

Matthew was, the whole time, taking notes.

Observing from a distence were an odd pair of sorts. The first was a young woman, with braided, light green hair, tied in two ponytails. She was wearing a noble, white cleric's outfit, and wore several accessories. Her companion was a large, brutish fellow, wearing a thick suit of rust coloured armour. He had thick, dark green hair, curled into two spikes at the top, and a large, bushy beard.

"I wonder" the man said in a thick, scottish accent, "if it's morally right for Rennack to be teachin' people how to rob others blind?"

"Oh, let him have his fun, Dorza" the girl said with a smile and a shrug. "Rennack always liked to impart his unique thieving skills on eager youths."

"Well, if you're okay with it, Rachel, then it'll be fine with me."

"OY! You!" another deep, thick scottish voice shouted from behind them.

The two turned, and were confronted by a short little man with a long, blue beard, several beads lining it. He wore a horned helmet, and brown, leather armour. And on his shoulder, he rested a double ended, menacing looking axe. He had a finger pointed at Dorza. "Do ye be da dwarf-like battle-rager with a thick Scottish accent from the most recent Fire Emblem game?" the man asked coldly.

Dorza took out an axe of his own (from seemingly out of no where), and returned the other man's (or dwarf's) glare. "Aye, that I be...And ye must be Korgan, dwarf battle-rager from Baldur's Gate: Shadows of Amn."

The two kept their stare off, before Korgan broke the silence. "THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!" he shouted, before the two leapt at each other.

At that moment, Yoshimo and Chibi-Zell walked by, discussing things between each other. "Look, Zell, for the last time" Yoshimo said, probably annoyed, "although we might have a few jokes about Guy's feelings, we are NOT going to have a Matthew/Guy pairing on our hands. And further more--" he stopped, and looked over to his right.

"You call that a punch! This is a punch!" Korgan shouted from within the dust cloud that had formed around he and Dorza.

"Ach, you punch like me parsley laden grandmother!" Dorza retaliated, as fists continued to fly, and scottish insults brewed.

Yoshimo ran a hand down his face. "And that's the third time something like this has happened this month..." he groaned.

* * *

Back outside, a small, purple car pulled up next to Yoshimo Studios. A young man with semi-long, light purple hair stepped out. Still in costume, he was wearing a noble, purple suit, with a long, purple cape, held up by somewhat thick, golden shoulder guards. "Excuse me" he asked to no one in particular, with a soft, kind voice, "has anyone seen my mons--"

That's when the young man (better known as Leon) noticed the pile of monster carcasses piled up around the studio. Bones were scattered, eyes were poped, medusas and mauthdogs were lying dead. And a gigantic bear was holding up a macdire with it's front paws, shaking it up and down. It let out a loud, somewhat commanding roar.

"Uncle, uncle!" the macdire wailed loudly, flailing its arms.

Leon took one look at the scene, before getting back into his car, closing the door, and driving away, rather quickly.

Yoshimo read over a few lines in the transcript of one of the later episodes of the parody, and sunk down in one of the green room's soft chairs. Lucius and Raven were also in the room, sharing some coffee and bagels, and Minoa was there as well...back to reading her questionable material.

"What was I thinking?" Yoshimo groaned. "At first, I was worried that I wouldn't have anything to balance out Lyn and Florina. Now I've got Kozo, I'm going to have Legault, and I've got those two." At that, he thumbed towards Lucius and Raven.

"Hey!" Lucius huffed.

"Not to mention endless jokes about Matthew, Guy, Sain and Heath in regards to their sexuality." Yoshimo ran a hand down his face. "And the worst part is that every other girl in the parody is taken. Except for maybe--" A cold smirk played on Yoshimo's lips, as he looked up at Minoa. He righted himself in his seat, and put on a more friendly smile. "Hey, Minoa, can I ask you something?"

Minoa looked up from her book, put in a bookmark, and walked over to Yoshimo. "What is it?"

"Min, how would you feel about being cast as a bi-sexu--"

CRACK!

Minoa had punched Yoshimo square in the face before he finished his sentence, knocking his chair over. The director raised his arm. "I'll take that as a maybe?"

WHAM!

"I was kidding! I really mean I'll take that as a no!"

POW!

"What was that for?"

"Just to get my message clear."

Minoa returned to her chair, picked up her book, and left the room. Yoshimo got up, put the chair back into its right position, and sat down again. "Now what..." he grumbled.

Fiora suddenly entered the room, and smiled. "Ah, there you are, Yoshimo" she said, approaching the young director.

Yoshimo looked up at Fiora, and smirked. "Here's a thought..." he muttered under his breath. He leaned forward. "Say, Fiora, mind if I ask a legitamite question?"

"Um...alright, go ahead."

"Does lesbianisim run in the family?"

Fiora gave Yoshimo an unamused look. "Think about what you just said for a second there."

Yoshimo raised his eyes in a pondering manner, before he clued in. "Oh. Right. Very short lived family if it did."

"Besides, if you were thinking about it, you can't cast me as a lesbian. People are already crying out for Kent and I to get together."

"Oh, the fans are crying out for everything" Yoshimo sighed, before standing up. "If you'd be kind enough to follow me..."

* * *

Later, Yoshimo and Fiora entered the director's office, and Yoshimo dug through his desk. "Ah, here we are" he nodded, before pulling out a stack of reviews. He leaned his arm on top of the pile, and read one to himself. He then chuckled.

"What is it?" Fiora asked.

"Oh, it's just some of these reviews are so adorable. One of them suggests putting Guy with Priscilla to avoid having to kiss or be kissed by Kozo again. As if I was going to put Guy with anyone by the end of this."

Guy poked his head in. "Wait, I'm not paired with anyone in the end?" he asked.

"Nope" Yoshimo answered, shaking his head.

"Not even with Matthew?"

"Not him, if anyone."

"Or Kozo?"

Yoshimo kept shaking his head.

"Not even Karel?"

"Haven't even entertained the thought."

"YES! FREEDOM! FREEDOM IN ADVANCE!" Guy started dancing around excitedly.

"Of course, there are endless amounts of jokes in regards to the aformentioned relationships. Except for maybe Karel."

Guy stopped dancing, and stood in place. "Um...I'll just take my leave now..." Guy took that as his cue to exit, and slowly inched out of the room.

Yoshimo dug in his pile, and pulled out another review. "Hey, what the..." He read it over, and looked up at Fiora. "Since when did we start letting ads in our reviews?"

"We thought promoting for other productions might be a good way to make money" Fiora explained.

"But the thing's not even out yet" Yoshimo pointed out. "How can we be sure it's any good?"

"Well, the guy called himself an _amateur pro_ or something like that" Fiora shrugged.

"Amateur pro..." Yoshimo echoed. "Isn't that a contridiction in terms?"

"Give the man a chance, Yoshimo."

"Fine. Fine. He'll have my support when his production takes off." Yoshimo put away that one, and took out a pair of reviews, before he chuckled again. "One suggests I do Hector's storyline as well, and another suggests I put in Farina. As if I weren't already."

"Well, from the parody so far, it's not immediately assumed that you are" Fiora explained.

Yoshimo shook his head. "Hey, just because I didn't to Hector's first chapter or Talons of Light doesn't mean I'm not going to do--"

"Well, you just give off that notion of not having done any of Hector's storyline. At all" Fiora explained.

Yoshimo shook his head. "What about chapter 18 double Gaiden? That's a Hector Only."

"It was an old review."

Yoshimo sighed. "Never mind" he groaned. "Look, why don't you just go and find Florina, she's probably still in shock after being licked by that mauthdog."

"See, that's what I wanted to talk to you about in the first place" Fiora explained. "I can't seem to find her."

Yoshimo raised an eyebrow. "I thought you of all pepole would know where your sister is."

"Well, I do have a guess, but if it's true, it'd be best not to disturb her."

"You don't think she's..."

"I have a strong feeling she is."

* * *

"Um...L...Lyn?" Florina stuttered. "Are you sure this is okay?"

"Of course it's okay" Lyn said with a smile. "This isn't the first time, either."

"I..I knew...so cold..."

"Ah, don't be shy. Have a go."

"Okay..."

Slurp. Slurp. Slurp.

"Mmm..." Florina and Lyn groaned together.

The young pegasus knight let out a sigh, and looked up at Lyn. "Lyn...you make the best milkshakes ever."

"It's a gift."

* * *

Fiora left the room, as Yoshimo put the review letters away. He was about to go to his desk, when a stern looking figure entered the room. He glared at the director through his cold, gray eyes. "Can we talk?" he requested poiletly, but sharply.

"Hmm? Sure, Renault." Yoshimo sat down at his desk. "What is it?"

"Well, I'm a little annoied by the fact that I didn't appear in Chapter Eighteen Gaiden. And apparently, I'm not the only one who thought that."

"Well, sorry about that, Renault. I guess you'll have to wait for your other appearance."

"But that's not until the final chapter."

"Second to final chapter."

"But that's still--!"

"Take it or leave it. Speaking of which, leave my room. Now."

"You're going to get some nasty letters about this one!"

"Put it in the pile with the other seven. Next!"

Renault stompped out of the room, cursing under his breath. Almost immediately, Sain entered. "Hey, Yoshimo, can we talk?"

"Pull up a chair, Sain."

The green knight sat across from the director, and looked him straight in the eye. "You remember that scene in one of the side chapters where I ALMOST kissed Lyn, but then she improvised by waking up at the most inconvenient moment?"

"Inconvenient for you, maybe..."

"I was wonder if maybe we could do that scene again, only without her improvising?"

"If you want to die, I suppose we could. Next!"

"But you didn't give me a straight answer."

"I said _Next_!"

Now it was Sain's turn to leave the room, grumbiling. And Kozo's turn to enter. "Hey. Frog-Boy."

"Would you stop calling me that?"

"We need to talk. Now." Without waiting for his consent, Kozo took a seat across from Yoshimo. "You still haven't kept your end of the bargin."

"Bargin?" Yoshimo raised his eyebrow.

"You know. Where I have to learn something by the end of this" Kozo explained, folding his arms over his chest.

"See, the problem with that is that it's hard to think of something you don't already know."

"Well, maybe if I tell you what exactly I do know. Like, for instance..."

"No, wait, shut up, I'll think of something."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Now leave. Next!"

Nergal stomped in next, as Kozo left, apparently quite pleased with himself for some unknown reason. "Hey, Yoshimo, we got a problem."

"Oh great. You expect some nice company to keep you busy, and all you get are emergancys or situations" Yoshimo groaned.

"We got some more mail that complained about the constant errors you keep making, including the whole tunic incident" Nergal explained, holding up one of the letters.

"Oh for the love of God!" Yoshimo shouted. "All you people ever do is bitch, bitch, bitch!"

WHAM!

Chibi-Zell hid his long board behind his back, and smiled. "We apologize, but we are currently experiencing some technical difficulties."

"Technical?" Yoshimo contridicted.

WHAM!

"Ow..."

Chibi-Zell grinned. "We will return you shortly to your regularily schedualed parody."


	34. Chapter Nineteen: The Dragon's Gate

**Fire Emblem 7, the Parody  
Chapter 19: Dragon's Gate**

Author's Notes: Four chapters in a row...ahem, anyway, to the people who keep making suggestions or have ideas...I request, very nicely, for you to stop it. Whenever you make a suggestion, it always falls into one of three categories.  
1) It's so rediculous, it's never going to happen  
2) It's already being done  
3) It scares little Timmy over there.  
Timmy: --whimper--  
Also, to the fellow who had a complaint about one of the jokes in my previous chapter, and who, apparently, had not recieved either of my emails, I'll just say it here: I apologize for not contacting you first and seeing if you approved of that joke or not. We cool?

Thank you, and enjoy the show.

* * *

"Well, we're here" Winny beamed, turning to face the group. 

Eliwood looked up at the building before them in awe. It was a thing like nothing they had ever seen before, clearly not built by human hands. It was as though it were waiting...waiting for the masters that abandonded it less than 1000 years ago. Massive beyond belief, these ancient ruins obviously had nothing to do with mankind. They made it. The team had arrived at the infamous Dragon's Gate.

"We're here..." Eliwood breathed. "The Dragon's Gate."

"Uh, yeah" Cecil nodded. "That's what the narraration just said."

The young dancer looked over the gates, although more pale than usual. The red haired lordling blinked, and looked over at the girl. "Ninian? What's wrong? You're trembiling..."

"This place is...frightening..." Ninian whimpered. "There is much power and danger here..."

"Man, her power must be taking full affect here..." Lyn observed.

"Power?" Hector asked.

"She has the ability to sense impending danger. Her memory may be shot, but her power must linger. Didn't you catch on the last three times this happened?"

"I thought she was just lucky."

"Argh..."

"What is it you sense, Ninian?" Eliwood asked, comfortingly. He placed his hands on her shoulders. "Please, let us know."

"Something...terrible is going to happen if I stay here...I shouldn't have come..." Ninian whimpered. Her eyes suddenly snapped wide. "This place...no...I..."

"She's getting worse" Kozo observed. "We have to get her out of here!"

"You fools aren't going anywhere!" a demanding voice echoed through the ruins. Suddenly, a pale, cloaked hand appeared out of no where, and gripped onto thin air. The arm through itself back, and the veil of nothingness lifted, revealing a man with black hair with gray highlights. His gold eyes shone, and his purple cloak fluttered around him. "This little bird escaped from her cage twice now, and now that she has returned, she is not escaping again!"

Eliwood let go of Ninian, and faced the figure, drawing his rapier. "Who are you?" he demanded.

The cloaked figure smirked, and folded his arms over his chest. "You can stop calling me _cloaked figure_, everyone already knows who I am." Ephidel then turned to face Eliwood, looking him right in the eye. "We meet at last. I am Ephidel, of the Black Fang."

"What, a fourth stooge?" Hector grumbled.

"And unlike those you've faced before, I'm just going to cut to the chase and take the girl, leaving you to deal with others while I get to safety, and thus not expose myself to the sharp pointiness of your weapons."

"We should've guessed it was you" Lyn pointed out, stepping forward, hand on her sword. "Leila told us about you back in Caelin."

"Lelia? Ah, she must've been an Ostian spy. Good thing we had her killed, then."

Shock washed over the majority of the group. Matthew and Hector took the biggest hit, as Ephidel dug into his robe. "I'll have to thank my Angel of Death when he returns. He's good at what he does. Oh, and just so you never forget the poor girl..." The man pulled out a small dagger, and threw it at the group. "I believe this was her's..."

The dagger landed at Matthew's feet. The thief and spy was trembiling, hands clenched in fists. Tears started to well up in his eys. "You...you..." he stuttered. He then forcefully unsheathed his two daggers. "You monster!" he screamed, before rushing at Ephidel. "I'll kill you for what you did to her!"

"What I did to her?" Ephidel asked calmly, before suddenly vanishing into thin air. Matthew skidded to a stop, and angrily looked around.

Ephidel reappeared behind Ninian. "All I did was point our Angel of Death in the right direction. Now if you'll excuse me..." Ephidel placed a hand on Ninian's shoulder, before the two of them suddenly disappeared.

Matthew fell to his hands and knees, as tears started to roll down his cheeks. "Leila...no, this wasn't supposed to happen..." he choked.

On the sidelines, Kozo gave a cheer. "Yay! He's single again! I mean..." he turned serious, and put a comforting hand on Matthew's back. "Poor thing...I think. If you need a shoulder to cry on, there's always mine."

"Buzz off."

"Touchy..."

* * *

Ephidel and Ninian reappeared within the ruins themselves, where a blue haired, heavily armoured noble who wasn't Hector waited. "Lord Ephidel!" Darin beamed. "I see the girl is with you. At last, the ritual can begin!" 

"Yes, but there's still that pest problem we have waiting outside our front door" Ephidel explained calmly, dragging Ninian deeper into the ruins. "I trust you can take care of them?"

Darin beamed, and thumped a hand on his chest. "Just leave it to me!" he gafawed. "I am Marques Darin! Ruler of Lycia! No, no...Ruler of the World! Yes, that sounds right." The corrupted noble walked off, repeating that last title to himself.

Ephidel looked back, and shook his head. "Humans...such stupid creatures..." With that, the morph sage continued to drag Ninian along, until he reached the chamber where his master was waiting.

Nergal was busy adjusting the collar on his tunic, beaming. He then pouted, and adjusted his turban, making sure it still covered his right eye. He then noticed someone entering, and turned to face Ephidel. "Ah, my pet. Excellent work on retreaving the girl."

"Thank you sir. And please, would you stop calling me pet? It's very unnerving" Ephidel explained, as he threw the girl to Nergal's feet.

"Well then, now that the girl's here, we can start the ritual. And then all we need to do is--"

"Nergal!" Lord Elbert shouted from the side wall where he was (apparently) chained.

The dark druid turned to face Elbert, and smirked. "Marques Pherae...does this gall you? It's destiny, you know. There could be no other outcome. In spite your annoying mischief, the girl's still here, you're still chained to that wall, and I'm still going to blow up this wretched excuse for a human race."

"And where's my son, for that matter?" Elbert continued to shout in defience.

"Jeez, it's just one question after another with you" Nergal sighed in annoyance. "_Where's my son?_ _What are you planning to accomplish?_ _Could you loosen these chains?_ _Can I please have a slice of that chocolate cake you're eating? Pleaseeee?_" He shook his head. "He's outside, probably going to kill Darin, and then the Black Fang is going to kill him."

"Okay, that's it" Elbert huffed, before his shackles suddenly opened. The noble dropped to the ground, and reached for a small dagger he had always kept at his side.

Nergal raised his left eyebrow in confusion. "What in the...?"

The giant door to the chamber opened wide, as Jaffar, soaked to the bone, stood at the door, looking more annoied than ever. He then noticed Elbert charging at Nergal, and proceded to draw a small dagger. He balanced it, before throwing it non-chalantly at Elbert.

THUNK! "Ah! Jesus, right in the shoulder!"

Nergal glared over at Jaffar. "You were supposed to kill him!"

"I can't kill him now" Jaffar explained calmly.

"Why not?"

"Because he wouldn't be end by the alive of the chapter when he's actually supposed to die... I mean, he has to be alive the by end of... you know what I mean."

"...Oh. Well, taking that into consideration, nice shot."

"Thank you."

"Now take that man and the girl into the back. We've got some mice to kill before the ritual can begin."

"As you wish (jackass)."

"What was that part you muttered under your breath?"

"As you wish."

"Oh, okay."

* * *

As the group continued to prepare for battle and/or cope with the loss of Leila and/or flirt shamelessly, a mouve armoured paladin rode towards the group. 

Cecil looked up at the paladin, and smiled. "Can we help you?"

"...What, that's it?" the paladin asked. "I ride up during a serious scene like this and all you can say is..."

"Look, can you give us a name before you deliever the message? We weren't able to do that with Mister Stubble near the begining of the story, so we had to give him a cutesy name like that. You wouldn't like a cutesy name would you, mister Tin Head?"

"Cameron" the paladin answered quickly. "And don't call me Tin Head ever again, cape boy."

"You got it, Copper Butt."

"Rekgeck..." the paladin choked, before shaking his head. He looked over at Eliwood, and laughed. "We've been waiting for you, son of Marques Pherae."

Eliwood glared, and drew his rapier. "Where's my father?" he demanded.

"He's inside" Cameron explained. "But you won't reach him. The Black Fang posted here are going to hit you with everything we've got, so you have no chance of surviving. You might as well submit now and go home."

"And if we--"

"Op. Time's up. No more chance to surrender." With that, Cameron rode a few yards away, before shouting, "Alright, boys! Up and at 'em! We've got some pests to fumegate!"

The paladin continued to ride off, as the sound of armour tinking and hoof beatspounding filled the air. No one was in the immediate area, but everyone could tell something big was waiting for them.

"Well, time to get to work" Cecil said, before holding his hands before his body. The pendant he had equipped began to glow, giving him a bird's eye view of the field. The glowing died down, and the tactician opened his eyes. He looked to the portable table he set up, map already on it.

"Say, is anyone going to pay me?" Hannah asked. "I actually have some really valuable information this time!"

"No time to talk, Hannah" Cecil explained with a dismissing wave of his hand. "Shoo. Shoo."

"But I--"

"I said _Shoo_" Cecil explained looking over at Hannah and shaking his fist.

She looked away, and huffed. "Jerk..."

"Okay, team, this is going to take a bit of work, but I think I have a plan of how to go about it" Cecil explained. "First, Oswin, Dorcas, Bartre, I want you to take up Defensive Paraimeter _Alpha X 9_ around Merlinus's tent."

"Alpha X what now?" Bartre asked.

"Florina, Fiora, you two take Matthew up ahead and scout the area and eliminate slower moving targets. Canas, Erk, Lucius, you three will move to the front to form _Delta Triangle 56_ in order to take the enemy by surprise."

"Delta Triangle who?" Canas wondered aloud, tilting his head.

"Sain, you, Lowen, Rebecca and Wil will follow along side them and rain death from onhigh, using the infamous bow strategy _Rain Death from Onhigh_. Lyn, you, Eliwood and Kent will be on special team _Defrosted Tuna_. You know what you need to do."

"This is just getting silly" Lyn sighed.

"Hector, Priscilla, Serra, you will stay back here with myself and Kozo to help erect a healing center for the wounded and people we need to interogate. Guy, Raven, Dart, you will play the most important role. I want you to combine the powers of the nimble, the sturdy and the powerhouse to execute the infamous Triangle Attack, _Arcane Warriors of the Black Brigade_."

"I think we're all lost by now" Raven pointed out.

"... ...You know what?" Cecil continued, after a long pause. "Let's just rush in there and kick their butts."

"Break!" everyone let out, before they all began to move out.

"Ah, tut, tut, tut!" Cecil let out, rushing over towards Kozo. "Not you. You, I need you to go over there" he explained pointing over in a certain direction.

"Um...okay, why?" Kozo asked.

"I got a feeling we'll need you for some diplomacy over there, diplomacy the kind only a creepy ass gay shaman like you can give."

"And you know this how?"

"Call it a male version of woman's intuition."

"You sure it's not just woman's intuition?"

"Just shut up and go over there, alright?"

"Whatever you say, my lady."

"If you weren't on my team, I'd kill you right now... Hey, Matthew, go with him! He might need backup."

"Wh-What? Me? No way! Not unless you come too!"

"Sure. Doesn't have the least bit of interest in me."

"...I think I picked the wrong partner..."

"Ya did."

* * *

Lucius rocked back and forth on the spot, still whimpering. Raven sighed, and shook the monk. "Come on, Lucius, snap out of it! It couldn't have been that bad. Look, we need you right now, you're the only one who can use light magic. Come on, Lucius..." 

The monk still whimpered, not moving.

"Damnit, there's gotta be some way to..." Raven started, before a cold grinned appeared on his face. He picked up the monk, and dragged him towards a lone, enemy axeman. He put Lucius down, and looked over at the Fang. "Hey! Big tall and ugly!" Raven shouted. "Yo mamma so fat, she--"

"RAAAGH!" the axeman shouted, not even allowing Raven to finish, before he charged. Raven instantly ducked, grabbed some of Lucius's hair, and lifted it up in the way of the axe, all in one fluid motion.

WHOOSH!

Small bits of blonde hair fell around the monk. Lucius's eye twitched, as he got out of Raven's grip, and got to his feet. "My hair...you cut my hair..." he mumbled. He then spun around, a light spell already built up in his hands. "YOU SON OF A BITCH!" he shouted, before throwing his palm forward.

KAA-BOOM!

There was only a scortched circle and a pair of boots where the axeman once stood. Lucius turned to face his mercenary companion, another spell built up in his hand. "Come on, Lord Raven" he said with a grin. "Let's go kick some ass!" With that, the monk rushed off.

Raven just blinked. Kozo leaned in on the scene, and whistled in awe. "You know, he actually looks kinda hot when he's angry" he observed.

"mmm-hmm" Raven grunted.

"...Wait, what was that?" Kozo asked.

"I said _mmm_" the mercenary covered.

"...That's still affermative. Are you trying to say that--"

Raven drew his sword, and placed it against Kozo's neck. "We're just friends, nothing more" he growled.

"Okay, okay" Kozo explained, holding his hands up. Raven put his sword to the ground, before Kozo continued. "Ya know, your defiance to the fact only further proves in favor of the fact that you and Lucius are--okay, okay" Kozo said again, as Raven placed his sword to the shaman's neck.

The mercenary grunted again, before sheathing his sword. "Besides, aren't you at the wrong area? You're supposed to be way over _there_," Raven pointed in the direction the shaman was supposed to have gone. Kozo looked over his shoulder to see Cecil (with Matthew cowering behind him).

Raven then proceded to rush after the monk. Kozo watched him go for a moment, waiting until he was out of earshot. "... ...coughDENIALcough"

* * *

"Let's see..." Lowen muttered, as he continued to stir the overly tall stew pot. "The recipie now calls for some chopped Habenero peppers..." The knight took out his sword, and instantly began chopping up some peppers, and shifting them into the soup. "Hmm...maybe just a bit more..." 

As the knight continued to add pepper to his soup, a large bandit leapt out of the ruins. "YA-HA!" he screamed, axe held high.

"EYA!" Lowen yelped, before instinctively grabbing his soup pot, and splashing the contents onto the enemy.

There was a hissing noise, as the bandit clenched his face. "AH! ME EYES!" he wailed.

"Ah, my soup!" Lowen yelped, noticing he had just splashed his current project all over the enemy's unwilling face. He took up his fists, and started pummeling the bandit. "I spent an hour on that, and then you come in and scare me into throwing it at you! You don't mess with a cook, bub!"

"It's like my eyes and my tongue are MELTING!" the bandit continued to wail.

* * *

The pirate flexed his muscles as he wound up his axe, before giving a large swing towards his foe. The fighter choked, and crumbled to his feet. 

Dart brushed a thumb under his nose. "Yar! Behold the power of Fargus's Suicide Squad!" he laughed, before he spun around, and embedded the axe head into the gut of an enemy mercenary. Dart suddenly stopped. "I'm feeling watched...I'm actually getting some screen time...YES! This is awe--"

* * *

Meanwhile... 

"GOD DAMNIT!"

A lone, cloaked figure shifted through the debries of the ruins. He brushed back his almost excessively long, violet hair, and peaked out from beneath his cover. "Perfect..." he muttered to himself, before attempting to slink to the next piece of debris, unnoticed.

Of course, that wasn't going to happen, as a young shaman happened to notice him in his slinking attempts. "Leggy!" Kozo cried happily, startling the group, as he ran over to the fang thief and jumped onto him, embracing him quickly.

"Huh? Ah, Kozo! How have you been, darling?" the thief smiled, as he returned the hug, planting a kiss on the significantly-younger shaman's forehead.

"...Darling?" Cecil stammered. "What?"

* * *

Yoshimo opened his mouth wide. "Wait, wait, what the hell is Legault doing there? The script doesn't call for him to say _darling_!" 

"I think he's... coming out of the closet, I guess you could say," came the answer from behind him, from a very scared-looking Guy.

"What? Wait, if Legault likes guys... then did I waste a perfectly good table on Kozo?"

"Looks that way."

"GOD DAMNIT!"

* * *

"Oh!" Kozo grinned, turning around while still in Legault's embrace. "Guys, this is Legault. All the Black Fang know him as 'The Hurricane'. He used to be my... well, you get the idea" Kozo smiled happily. 

"Oh, so this is what you're up to now!" Legault smirked. "Travelling around with these people? I wondered what happened to you when you left... and then Damien came running here a couple days ago, like a little school girl, talking about a traitorous shaman. I should've known it was you, darling..."

Kozo giggled happily.

"Wait... if Kozo knows you, and you're Black Fang..." Cecil blinked. "Kozo, were you...?"

"Not officially. But that's not important..." Kozo nodded, then quickly turned back to Legault. "Umm... wait, Leggy..."

"Can you please not call me that?"

"Leggy, are we gonna have to fight? Since we're kinda fighting the Black Fang and..." Kozo seemed anxious.

"Of course not! I was gonna leave anyway. This place isn't fun anymore ever since that Nergal guy showed up..."

"...Ner... gal?" Kozo blinked.

"Oh, yeah, he's behind you-know-who controlling Reed..." Legault tried to explain. "I don't understand, but that's the gist of it. It's all to confusing, so I'm leaving. And if you want, I'll help you."

"You would? YAY!" Kozo quickly grabbed Legault again and kissed him.

"...I've never seen him this hyper before..." Cecil muttered.

"Well, if he's with this Legault guy..." Matthew sighed in relief. "Then maybe I don't have to put up with him any more..."

"I said he _used_ to be my boyfriend, cutie. You're still quite welcome to fill that position."

"Hmm? Who's this handsome man, darling?" Legault perked up, inspecting Matthew.

"...There's...there's two of them..." Matthew's eyes opened wide in shock, before he ran away screaming at the top of his lungs. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH"

Cecil sighed. "Well, umm... mister Legault... nice to have you on board. I'm the tactician, Cecil."

"...Tactician? You're not the tactician, Kozo?" Legault blinked.

"We split it. He's not near the mind I am though, Leggy..." Kozo grinned.

"Yeah, he doesn't much look like it. And please stop calling me Leggy."

"Hey, yeah, forget the fact that I'm standing RIGHT HERE and keep on insulting me!" Cecil chipped in sarcastically. And then he got curious. "Hey, Kozo... umm... can I ask you something?"

"Oh, sure" Kozo blinked, somehow separating himself from Legault. "What?"

"Why do you keep calling him Leggy?"

"It's so embarrassing..." Legault sighed. "It's treating me like a sixteen-year-old..."

"It's 'cause he's got legs like a..."

"Okay, just stop there, forget I asked! Let's get going!" Cecil quickly interrupted.

* * *

Dart glared, arms folded over his chest. "You did that on purpose, didn't you?" he grumbled. 

Yoshimo looked up from bashing his head into the wall, and looked over at Dart. "What do you mean, pirate boy?"

"You cut off my scene on purpose."

"Well, what do you want me to do about it?"

"I don't know, maybe give me a bit more screen--"

* * *

Meanwhile... 

"GOD DAMNIT! AGAIN!"

"Everyone" Kozo said, as he and Legault stood before every last member of the crew, the camera not focusing in on any one of them in particular, "this is Legault, member of the Black Fang. And, Leggy, these are the people I am currently working with. Legault, everyone. Everyone, Legault. Ex, a large crowd of idiots. Large crowd of idiots, my ex."

"I feel mildly insulted" Bartre huffed.

"Well, it is good to see you all" Legault said with a dramatic bow. "And yet at the same time, it's highly frustrating. Now the treasure's going to be gone before I can get to it. I was going to leave this island and sell the treasure in Bandon and live off the retail values."

"Hey, guys, look what I found!" Matthew suddenly shouted, rushing in, carrying a single treasure chest in his arms. "In my mad run as though I were a school girl, I found a treasure horde, and you can't imagine some of the things I found!"

"Wait, you actually admit to running around like a scared little school girl?" Cecil asked.

"What can I say? He's creepy."

"Wait, which he? Legault or Kozo?"

"Now that I think about it, both of them. Anyway, behold!" Matthew placed down the treasure chest, and opened the top. Inside were the classic treasure materials (like gold and specters and crowns), but also seven special items set at the top. There were three gray rings with rubies at the top, a magical symbol craved into the rubies. As well, there were four creasts, two with a yellow base and red swirls, the other two with a red base and yellow swirls.

"Feast your eyes on these trinkets, my friends" Matthew said with a smile on his face. "Three Guiding Rings" he offered, holding up the pieces of jewelry. "A nessecity for any magi who wants to further his training in the art of turning the world and your foes inside out." He placed the jewelery back on the pile, before producing one of the yellow creasts. "A Knight's Creast, a symbol of honour, strength, and purity, required to make any knight or cavalier the best they can be. And finally..." he concluded, before placing away the Knight's Creast, and taking the red shield, "this, my friends, is none other than a Hero's Creast. A symbol of strength, determination, and the unquenchible lust to become the greatest sword, axe or lance in the universe. This is the stuff that heroes, swordmasters and warriors of yore are made of."

Matthew then placed the creast down, and beamed. "Now as you know, these artifacts choose their master, so those who lack confidence in your strength, I'd suggest you just sit back and watch the seperation of the men from the boys."

There was a loud cough from Serra and Priscilla. "And the women from the girls, of course."

There was some audiable chatter amongst the group, before Guy stepped forward. Dorcas soon followed, and stood next to the small myrmidon. Well, small compared to Dorcas. Sain and Kent then approached, then Serra and Erk, and finally Lucius.

"Well boys" Matthew explained, "I believe you know how these things work. So show us some fancy transformation sequences!"

Erk smirked, and raised his right arm up high. He then slipped the Guiding Ring onto his index finger, and there was a brillient white flash of light. Erk folded his arms over his chest, as the background turned into a streaming layer of flamey colours. Erk began to glow red, as fire danced around him. He spread his arms wide, and the fire parted, the light flashing again.

As the scene returned to normal, Erk still stood, eyes closed, arms spread wide. Nothing much seemed to happen.

Flop. The hood of Erk's cape flipped down, and magically pinned itself to the collar. Erk opened his eyes, and blinked. "...What, that's it? A spiffy, long transformation scene, and all that happened was my hood getting permanently pinned down?"

"Oh, wait..." Cecil held up his hand, and took out a staff from Merlinus's inventory. He tossed it over to Erk, who caught it easily. The tactician beamed. "Okay, now do it again. It'll be cooler this time."

"No." Erk stomped off, cursing under his breath.

Lucius watched all that, fidgeting the ring between his fingers. He looked at the little accessory, and shrugged. "The church has one or two regulations on hair length. Maybe I can do something about this awkwardly long hair now..." He raised his right arm, and was about to slip on the ring, when Kozo interrupted him.

"I thought you liked your long hair" he observed.

"It was fun in the past, but now it's just getting awkward" Lucius explained, before lowering the ring towards his index finger.

"But you looked so pretty..."

"I don't want to be pretty!" Lucius shouted. He then raised his right arm, and quickly brought down his ring. Another bright flash of light erupted around the monk, and the transformation began.

A beam of holy light shined around Lucius, as he spread his arms wide. His blue robes became sturdier, more defined, and possesed a more formal look. His white cloak flew away in an unknown breeze, revealing underneath a thin, pale blue cape that hung around the monk's shoulders.

A long, white staff appeared in his right hand, a sapphire encrusted at the top. Lucius opened his eyes, and waved his staff, as the holy light vanished. He smiled widely. "A bishop at last..." he sighed. "Every monk's dream. Now I--wait a minute."

He placed a hand on the middle of his back, and his eyes widened. Not only was the hair still there, but it seemed to have gotten longer. As a monk, it only went to the middle of his back. He slid his hand down, until his found the ending point of the hair: the middle of his buttocks.

"OH GOD DAMNIT!" Lucius cursed, before storming over back to Raven and Priscilla, grumbiling.

Kent and Sain, the knights of Caelin, were next. They placed the Knight's Creasts over their hearts, and pushed them deeper to their chest. Light shined off their armour, as they both became fuller, covering their whole whole body, instead of just the chest. Two armet helmets hovered over the knights, and quickly slapped down onto them.

Sain's armour now shone like emerald, whilst Kent kept his crimson gleam. The green knight looked left and right, before he lifted the visor of his helm. "Hey, I like the armour and all..." he observed, "but where are our horses?"

There was a neighing behind the two. They looked towards the noise, and saw a beautiful white stallion with a golden mane gallop towards them. It majestically bounded on its last stride, and landed next to the knights. Sain was drooling.

Kent approached the horse, and mounted. "Sain, this is my horse" he explained plainly.

Sain stopped salavating, and pouted. "Well then, where's my ride?" he complained.

Kent pointed at something next to Sain's feet. The green knight looked, and his eyes sunk. "Oh, you're kidding me."

"Baaaa" Sain's steed let out, before it continued to graze.

Guy let out a little gulp, hoping his transformation scene wouldn't be as...rediculous as the ones before him. He held aloft the Hero's Creast, and took a deep breath. Cherry Blossoms started to fly around him, before there was a loud banging of a tribal drum.

The myrmidon's battle tunic began to grow, before they reached his feet. His sword started to shift, becoming sleeker, and more ornate. Soon, there was a final pound on the drum, and the cherry blossoms faded away. Guy looked over his costume, and let out a sigh of relief. "And through all this, nothing silly happened" he said contently. He then blinked. "Wait...there seems to be a weight on my back..."

He looked over his shoulder, and noticed a chibi-Kozo dangiling off his ponytail. He gave a pleading look towards Matthew. "Please tell me that's not a permanent part of the costume..."

Next up was the large fighter, Dorcas. He gripped the Hero's Creast in both hands, and let out a large grunt, as he tore it in half. Red sparks of magical energy started to flow into the warrior, as he grew taller by a few inches. His muscles became larger, and at the same time, more refined. His simple, yellow tunic was encased in padded, gray leather armour, and a large axe embedded itself out of nowhere in the ground before the warrior. And on his back now rested an cherrywood longbow, and a small quiver of arrows.

Dorcas focused his vision, and noticed on the ground were also two shoulder guards and a helmet. He raised an eyebrow. "And these weren't instantly added on...why?" he asked simply.

"Well, come on!" Matthew groaned. "You tore the bloody thing in half! You gotta show these things more respect!"

Dorcas sighed, and shrugged his shoulders. "Well, it's not like I can't put these on myself..." he said, before bending down to pick them up.

"Oooh! Let Bartre help his teacher!" Bartre begged, instantly rushing over and grabbing the armour on the ground.

"No, Bartre, wait, put those down" Dorcas started begging. "Bartre, those...no, Bartre, that's not supposed to...you don't put that over on the..." Dorcas sighed in defeat. "Thank you, Bartre..." he grumbled. A shoulder guard rested on his head, and two, horned helmets rested on either shoulder.

"How'd that boy get two helmets and a shoulder guard out of one helmet and a pair of guards?" Cecil wondered out loud.

Dorcas took the pieces of armour like equipment, and instantly rearranged them. Now, two spiked, sturdy shoulder guards rested where they should be, and a single, yellow, horned helmet rested on his head.

"What I want to know is how Dorcas got two shoulder guards and a helmet out of two helmets and a single shoulder guard, which Bartre in turn got from--" Kozo started.

"Kozo, stop, before my brain bleeds again..." Cecil sighed in defeat.

Finally, it was Serra's turn. She elegantly slipped on the guiding ring, and a flashy anime cartoon transformation background (you know what I mean) developed. She began to spin, as a ring of light enveloped her. It slid down her body, turning her pink scarf into a long, pink cape. Her robes became a light, violet colour, as well as turning a little glossier. Two, purple gloves went onto her hands, and her staff shifted, looking much more regal than before.

She opened her eyes, as the scene returned to normal. She beamed widely, and jumped for joy. "Alright! I'm a magic girl! My life long dream has been fulfilled!"

"Yeah" Sain nodded, approaching Serra. "Now all you need is pseudo-lesbian relationship with one of the other females in the party, and you're set." He leaned in towards Serra, and continued, in a loud whisper, "I personally suggest Priscilla."

Kent huffed, and smacked Sain upside the head. "Ow, the back of my head!" Sain whined. Erk then bashed his staff into Sain's face. "Ow, the front of my face!" Cecil finished up with a strong punch to the jaw. "Ow, the side of my mandible!"

"Well then, if everyone is done squandering what was to be my retirement fund..." Legault huffed, "I suppose we should get back to the matter of those nomads and cavaliers that are charging towards us?"

Everyone turned from watching Sain getting pummeled, and noticed the squadren of horsemen charging towards them, Cameron at the front. The paladin was smirking evilly, brandishing a long halberd in one hand.

"Eliwood of Pherae!" Cameron shouted across the space between them. "Your time is up! I am the reaper of the dead, and I shall--"

"HI!" Winny Gnome suddenly greated, coming in out of nowhere.

The horse Cameron was riding winnied in fright, and bucked off its rider. Cameron screamed as he hit the ground, and dropped his halberd. Of course, the other horsemen were too busy in their charge, and didn't stop for their master. Instead, the first nomad rode right over him.

"Ow, my head!" Cameron yelped.

A cavalier then rode over his legs.

"Ow, my feet!"

Then another nomad...

"Ow, my head!"

And another cavalier...

"Ow, my feet!"

The cavalier peered over his shoulder. "Keep your chin up, Sir Cameron!" he instructed, before continuing his ride. Another nomad rode over Cameron.

"Ow, my chin!"

By the time the final horse rider, a troubadour, noticed Cameron's condition, every other horseman (including Lowen and Kent, for the heck of it) had trampled the poor paladin. The troubadour gasped. "Everyone! Our commander has fallen!"

Everyone stopped, and looked at the mangled and stomped on knight. His arm twitched. "I'll be okay...if we can just fix this broken femur in my leg..."

"The commander is down!" a cavalier gasped.

"We can't go on without him!" a nomad continued.

"These fools must be more powerful than we thought!" a second cavalier observed.

"Weren't they the ones who flattened him?" Fiora pointed out, eyebrow raised.

"Retreat!" the troubadour ordered, before everyone rode off...trampiling Cameron in their retreat.

"Oh, god...my dorsal fin..."

(If you're wondering just why he said this - and you probably are - then I'll flash you forward for a moment. When he was finally recovered by Black Fang troops, long after the battle was over, he was found to have taken one too many hooves to the head, and now believed himself to be a dolphin. As such, they fittingly through him into the water, where he remained happily ever after following that, swimming amongst his friends and performing tricks in front of small children, involving hoops and rubber beach balls)

* * *

"And so I said to her _There's no way you could pick up chicks using a pegasus_" Darin continued. "And then she said--" 

"Sir, I've already heard this story three times now" a Black Fang Knight sighed.

"I don't care, I'm going to finish this train of thought anyway! ...Crap, you guys have made me lose it."

"Marquess Laus!" Eliwood shouted, as he, Lyn and Hector burst into the room, weapons drawn.

"Ah, crap again!"

"For your crimes against Pherae, nay, all of Elibe" Eliwood proclaimed dramatically, "I sentence you to death!"

Marquess Laus began to laugh. "Ah-ha! You can't kill me! I am to be ruler of the world! I'm not about to let some kids stop me now!"

"Children, eh?" Eliwood continued, shifting into a lunging stance. "Well, let me show you just how childish we can BE!" On that last word, he bounded forward, and thrust his rapier towards the corrupt noble.

It's not like Eliwood missed or anything, it's just that upon contact with the thick armour, the rapier just snapped in half. Eliwood stood stunned, and looked at the broken sword.

Hector nudged Lyn in the side. "Okay, you're up."

"Are you kidding me? Eliwood's weapon broke instantly! It had, like, 13 uses left! There's no way I'm risking a broken Mani Katti, here!"

"Well then" Hector sighed, lifting Wolf Beil off his shoulder, "I guess it's up to me." He glared towards Marquess Laus, and gave a feral scream as he dashed towards him. He bounded into the air, and his axe came down swiftly. However, only the tiniest dent was made in the armour.

"Well, we're screwed" Lyn sighed, arms folded over her chest.

"We have to think of a better strategy" Eliwood observed.

"No!" Hector said stubbornly. "I say we stick to smashing him to pieces!"

"We tried that, Hector. It didn't work" Lyn said calmly, if annoied.

"A hero must stick with his strengths. And smashing is my strengths. I just need to find the right way to smash him!"

Meanwhile, Dorcas and Bartre watched from the sidelines, as Hector tried various methods of pounding Darin to a pulp (all of which were failing). Bartre looked up at his mentor. "Do you not still have that Warhammer?"

"Yes, Bartre, I do."

"And does it not shatter through any armour in the game?"

"Yes it does."

"So why are you not rushing in there executing Warhammer-y justice?"

"I want to see how long this can go on."

After another minute and seventeen other failed methods to smash open a General, Erk breezed in, already holding a ball of fire in each hand. "I'd suggest you duck, Lord Hector."

Instantly, Hector dove off Marques Laus, before Erk threw both fireballs, shouting out his spell. "Elfire!"

When the two fireballs connected, and pillar of flames erupted underneath the noble. He stood there, charred and twitching, before falling over in a heap.

"See, now technically, that isn't smashing."

"So, who wants to deal the killing blow?" Hector asked.

"Ooh! Ooh! I wanna!" Eliwood cheered, hand raised.

"But your weapon is broken."

"...Crap..."

"I'll do it, then" Lyn said, taking out her Mani Katti. "He killed my grandfather, now it's time for me to pay him back."

"But your grandfather's okay, and--"

"Ssh." With a quick swing of her katana, a large gash in the already weakened armour was made, and blood started to crawl its way out.

Darin's lower lip quivered, as he touched his deep wound. "Blood? Is this...my blood? No...no...Ephidel! Come to me! Your master calls you! I was to be...ruler...of the world..." With that, his raised arm flopped to the ground, and he ceased moving.

"Well, that was an unesscessary attempt at a pathos" Lyn shook her head. "He was mad..."

"Blinded by his own greed...pitful fool" Hector coughed.

"...Lord Darin..." Eliwood started.

"Come on, Eliwood, this is no time for sentiments, we've got a father to save and a reunion scene to achieve!" Hector said, patting his friend on the shoulder.

"...Right" Eliwood nodded. "Let's go."

* * *

"Hey Nergal, you're needed for the next scene" Yoshimo explained, approaching Nergal. 

"Hmm?"

"Eliwood and the others are approaching the gate. Your big scene is coming up."

"Oh! Right! I'm on my way!" The old acter started to rush towards the set.

"Um, I wouldn't go out there in what you're wearing" Yoshimo pointed out. "We were already lynched once for you forgetting to put on your proper costume."

"Huh? Oh, you're right! I need my ceremonial, ominous black robes!" Nergal grabbed said robes, which rested on the coffee table. "I'll be with you in five."

* * *

The room was almost pitch black. The only detail the nobles could see was the door they came through. "Father! Father!" Eliwood shouted. "It's me, your son! Eliwood! I've come to save you!" He looked around, before letting out, meekly, "Father?" 

"Argh, it's so dark in here, I can't even see my hand in front of my face..." Lyn complained.

"E...Eliwood..." a weak voice coughed from further in the room. "I'm over here..."

"Father!" Eliwood cheered. He started to approach the voice.

"That's it...a little closer...closer...closer...TOO CLOSE! TOO CLOSE!" Crunch! "Ah, my meta-carpels!"

"Father!" Eliwood cheered, as he bent down, and helped his father to his feet. "Father, you're alright! ...Except for your hand. Sorry about that."

"Never mind that now, just take the girl and get out of here!" Elbert ordered.

The three looked over, and noticed the faint outline of Ninian through the darkness. "Ninian? She's here too?" Hector gasped.

"Of course she is! So are the rest of us, you idiot!" Kozo shouted, as he and Cecil came in through the door.

"That girl..." Elbert continued. "That girl is the key to Dragon's Gate. Hurry! Go before Nergal notices you!"

"Nergal?" Cecil wondered outloud. "Wasn't he that creepy guy that Legault mentioned?"

Eliwood took Ninian by the arm. "Come on, we have to get out of here!"

Hector took a hold of Elbert by the waist, and hoisted him onto his shoulder. "Hope you don't mind, sir!" Hector pointed out.

"Very much appreciated" Elbert nodded.

"We should be thankful for this darkness" Lyn nodded, as the team made a run for the door. "With it, we can make an easier escape."

Click.

Jaffar stood at the entrance, sipping soda through a straw, and finger on the light switch. Lyn hung her head. "You know...I could almost see that coming as I said those words..."

The assassin instantly threw away the plastic cup, and drew his daggers. "You shall not pass" he said coldly.

"Couldn't you have putten a little more flare into that? I mean, it's a famous line, and--" Cecil explained.

"That's not my style" Jaffar shrugged, still gripping his swords.

"Don't fight this man!" Elbert shouted from Hector's shoulder. "You can't defeat him on your own, he's too powerful!"

"For the record" Cecil asked, looking over at Kozo, "how powerful is he?"

"Mm, about a level 13 Assassin. At this point, yeah, he'd kick our asses, especially since he's carrying a Killing Edge" Kozo explained.

"And that gives him a Critical Chance of what?"

"Mmm, 60-ish."

"What?"

Ephidel suddenly appeared next to Jaffar, and smirked coldly. "You should heed your father's advice, child. Even among the Fang, this man is feared for his skill. You are no match for him, not even in a group." He then patted Jaffar on the shoulder. "You've done very well, Jaffar. Now, return to Bern and begin your next assignment."

Jaffar stood, still poised for attack, but then nodded, and sheathed his swords. "As you command (you visually impared, cliff tossing son of a--)"

"What was that last part?"

"As you command."

"That sounded a lot longer than--"

"No, no, it's legit." With that, Jaffar left.

"You know, now that he's gone" Cecil observed, "you think we have more of a chance?"

"Mmm...no, no, this guy's about a level 18 Sage with...what I think to be a Fimbulveter spell."

"A what?"

"Powerful Anima magic."

"Ah crap. Just how powerful is it?"

"Oh, about third strongest in the world." Kozo looked over at Hector. "Hey, loudmouth, how are you in terms of Resistence?"

"Eh, about four, five-ish."

"Yeah, he'd kill us in one go" Kozo explained.

"Oh double crap."

"So what are we supposed to do?" Eliwood asked.

"Running seems like the number one option" Cecil pointed out.

"...I never thought I'd say this, but I agree with the idiot. Let's scram" Kozo ordered.

Ephidel flipped his robe, and a small squad of rather strong looking brigands stood at the door. "You're not going anywhere just yet. Besides, Nergal has an invitation for you. In honour of your hard-fought arrival, he's prepared a special show for you."

"No...you're not..." Elbert gasped. "You're not going to release the dragons, are you?" he shouted.

"Release the what?" Eliwood asked, looking over at his father.

"You're about to find out" Ephidel smirked coldly, before raising his arm. "At the expense of your father's life!"

The dark sage pointed a pale finger at Elbert, before the noble started to trumble. He choked, and fell off of Hector's shoulder. He clenched his chest, and began screaming in pain.

"Father!" Eliwood shouted, letting go of Ninian, and rushingtoo his father's side.

Ninian raised her head, eyes wider, if still blank. "P...power..."

"Excellent..." a man who had suddenly appeared beside Ninian, dressed in black robes and a dark turban, smiled coldly as he spoke. "Now, Ninian, open the Dragon's Gate!"

For future reference, we will refer to this man as Nergal from now on, mostly because the rest of us already know who he is, so it would be highly pointless for us to call him, for instance, 'the man in the dark cloak and turban'.

Ninian approached the gate, and she spread her arms wide.

"Ninian, don't!" Kozo shouted, rushing over to the girl.

Ephidel huffed, and pointed another finger at Kozo. A sharp bolt of lightning hit the shaman square in the back, knocking him over, and draining him of that adrenaline drive. "We can't have you interfering now, traitor" Ephidel explained. "You knew full well what was going to happen."

"You knew?" Cecil called over.

"Well, I had my suspicions when we had to come _here_ of all places, but I tried not to think too hard about it," Kozo admitted.

"Gate... Open gate..." Ninian began to speak, still quite blank in the eyes.

"That's it... this way, dragons. Come to me..." Nergal growled.

"Wait a second, he's serious about these dragons, isn't he?" Cecil demanded, as the ground began to shake a bit.

"I'm going to hazard a guess here and say that this earthquake isn't actually caused by the world's tectonic plates shifting, but actually by something really, really massive," Canas called over.

"Come to me... Children... of Flame..." Ninian called out, her voice getting louder, but equally emotionless.

The front of the gate erupted in a brilliant vortex of flame. The trembling of the earth began to grow more powerful. And then...

* * *

Seeing as this is a long chapter, we're going to take a short interleude for you to get something to eat. 

Hunger satisfied? Good.

* * *

Crawling its way out of the gate was a massive, reptillian creature. Its red, jagged scales stood out, and it thrashed it's pointed and scaely head side to side, letting out a massive roar. It folded its wings out, and let out a small whisp of flames from its nostrils. 

"Oh, that...can't be good..." Cecil whimpered.

(At this point, we'd like to tell you that it has recently been identified that suspense can kill a person, due to the stress it causes. So, just so you don't die from the suspense in case you haven't already played this game through, the only casualty here is Ephidel. Also, somebody gets a bruise on their upper arm. We won't say who, as to keep from completely ruining everything, but as this is totally unimportant to the plot the suspsense shouldn't kill you...)

"Wait, the only casuality is who?" Ephidel let out.

"Is that...really a dragon?" Eliwood gasped.

"Yeah, sure looks like it" Sain nodded from the back.

Guy hid behind Matthew, shivering. "Save me, Matthew! I don't wanna die a hot, burning death!"

"You're the promoted character here, I should be hiding behind you!"

Of course, both of them were simply too scared of the dragon to notice the throng of fangirls that had happily begun to hang onto their every word.

Nergal let out an evil cackle. "Yes, use all of your strength! Squeeze every last drop from your body! You will call the dragons!"

"I will not allow this!" shouted a voice from nowhere.

Ephidel looked around, before spotting the cause of the voice, who had dramatically leapt out of nowhere, and started playing his own, heroic tune on his flute. "What the...you!" he shouted.

"Nils?" Lyn gaped in amazment.

"Of all the people to be dramtically rescued by" Dorcas observed, "I'd never once thought it'd be that kid..."

Nils rushed over to his sister, and started tugging at her arm. "Come on, sis! You've got to get a hold of yourself! You can't actually summon this dragon here! That'll only spell big trouble, and what would mother think of that?"

Ninian's eyes began to regain their light. "N...Nils?" she whispered.

Nergal pulled at his turban. "Argh, no, not now! Ephidel, stop them!" he shouted.

"Easily, master" Ephidel smirked, getting into range of the two children. He started mumbiling some magic words, as icy winds began to billow around him.

Now, by this point, Kozo had regained his adrenal rush, and leapt in the way of the children and the spell, seemingly brushing it off. At this, Ephidel was stunned. "Wh...wh..how...I'm a Level 18 Sage with the third most powerful spell of Anima Magic! How did you--"

"I cast Luna!" Kozo retorted. "Don't you know that Shamanism beats Anima any day?"

By this time, Ninian had stopped being so robot like, and shook her head. "Nils? Wh...what's going on?"

"Talk later!" Nils shouted, grabbing his sister's arm. "We've got to get the heck out of here!" With that, he started to run. "Let's go!"

The other members of the good guys got the message, and began a mad rush towards the door, easily bursting through the enemy line. Of course, during the run, one the party members stumbled, but got to his feet. Coincidently, this was the same character who we said bruised their upper arm.

Nergal looked over the scene again, before sighing, and teleporting out.

Now, without Ninian's power to hold it together, the dragon began to fade, and be sucked back through the gate. The vortex, however, was catching everyone in the room, including Ephidel. The sage screamed, and clinged to the ground, trying to avoid his non-existence fate. "Lord Nergal! Lord Nergal, please, come back!"

The pull became too strong, and Ephidel was sucked in, along with the dragon. "I hate you peopleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" With that, the morph was no more. Or, at least, that's what everyone could assume.

* * *

Outside the Dragon's Gate, Eliwood hunched over, gasping for breath. Hector gently placed down Elbert, who was still groaning in pain. Lyn wiped her brow. "I think the worst is over." 

"I don't believe this!" Nergal suddenly shouted, teleporting in. "Nils, you whelp! If it wasn't for your interference..." Nergal shook his fists.

"Or, I could be wrong..." Lyn sighed.

"So, what's the stats on this guy?" Cecil asked. "Or am I going to regret asking?"

Kozo pondered a bit. "Mmm...I'd say Level 20 Dark Druid."

"Dark Druid? What's that?"

"Something akin to your worst nightmare."

"Oh crap!"

"That's it, you're coming with me!" Nergal shouted, lunging towards Nils and Ninian.

He was blocked by Kozo, who had leapt in front defensively. "Not happening."

"Yeah! We'll never go with you!" Nils shouted, standing in a similarly defensive pose in front of Ninian.

"Try and stop me..." Nergal growled, raising a hand back to cast a spell.

It never hit - there was the sound of metal skewering through flesh, and Nergal choked.

"Wh-what?" Nergal demanded, slowly turning around, to see Lord Elbert, hand on a short sword that was in Nergal's back.

"I told you... Nergal... I'm always... gonna oppose... you..." Elbert growled.

"Damnit!" Nergal shouted, kicking Elbert a good one in the face. "Why can't some people just stay _dead_?"

And with that, he teleported away.

"Father!" Eliwood gasped, catching his father before he fell over.

Elbert coughed, and smiled up at his son. "Eliwood...be prepared. He will return..."

"I could only guess" Eliwood sighed. "But for now...let's get off this island. Let's go home..."

Elbert shook his head, and coughed again. "No, my son. I'm am done...you must leave this island...finish what I've started."

"What? No, father, don't say things like that!" Eliwood shouted, shaking his father. "You're going to make it!"

"Yeah, keep it up, Eliwood! It worked for me and my grandfather!" Lyn cheered.

"This is different, though" Cecil pointed out. "Your father threw out his back and got slightly poisened. This man was stabbed repeatedly!"

"I'm just trying to give him SOME hope before his father pops it..."

"Mother is waiting for you in Pherae" Eliwood continued. "Everyone is waiting!"

"Ah, Eleanora..." Elbert said, a weak smile on his face. "She will be cross with me. Eliwood...tell your mother...I'm sorry...and that her favorite underwear is underneareth the sofa in the servant's quarters."

Cecil stroked his chin. "What an interesting choice of last words. Truely a message for the ages."

Eliwood's tears openly flowed. "No...dad, not now...not after all we've done to find you..."

* * *

Because this about to get really depressing, we are going to show you a short, cute scene of two cute little kitty cats singing. 

"Mew."

Now back to our regularily shecdualed program.

"That was the most pointless scene ever put in any movie" Yoshimo pointed out. "And yet it worked so well..."

* * *

Eliwood and company returned to Fargus's ship, a solemn air hanging over their heads. Captain Fargus and Sir Marcus approached, obviously bored while they waited. "So, did you find Lord Elbert?" Marcus asked. 

"Yes..." Eliwood said with a sob. "But we were too late to save him." He kicked the dirt. "Ah, curse my eyes!"

Fargus gasped. "You have a woman's eye, milord!" he shouted. "I'll wager neither of those eyes have been pecked out by an angry woodpecker, whilst trying to protect what was left of your almost depleted ship with your life!"

"While neither of yours have either!" Eliwood snapped.

"Wanna bet?" Fargus asked, before blinking out his left eye, revealing it to be glass.

"Holy hell, that is disgusting!" Eliwood gaped.

Marcus smacked him upside the head. "Don't curse! And don't stare either! It's rude!" Marcus huffed. He then folded his arms over his chest, and noticed Legault standing nearby. "And who's this fellow?"

Legault smiled, and bowed. "Legault, good sir. Former Hurricane of the Black Fang, and master thief."

"..." Marcus looked over at Eliwood. "And you trust him to be with our party?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"He's a thief."

"How does that work?"

"I trust him" Kozo said with a grin.

"I don't trust you either! I can't trust you as far as I can throw you! Which is pretty far, let me tell you..."

"Come on, let's just go home..." Eliwood sighed. "There is nothing left for us on this island..."

* * *

A blonde haired knight poked his arm out of the cell. "Hello? Anyone out there? Sole surviving Knight of Pherae needing assistence here. ...Hello? ...Ah crap..."

* * *

"Well, that chapter's finally over with" Yoshimo let out a sigh of relief. 

"Yeah" Winny nodded. "Now all that's left is the Wheel of Morality!"

"Why did I agree to put that at the end of every chapter past 11..." Yoshimo groaned, before following the little gnome towards the single dial.

The director gripped the wheel, and spun it half-heartedly. "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn, tell us the lesson that we should learn."

The dial stopped, and paper printed out next to it. "Moral Number 2. And the moral of today's story is..." Yoshimo read over the paper. "..._It's amazing what you can do with two pounds of lead and a baked potato_. ...I don't get it. As always."

"Actually, I get it perfectly" Winny observed. "This is giving me several ideas now."

Yoshimo groaned again. "That's it. I'm staying inside for the next two months...Until next time folks...you know what, no words of wisdom today past the wheel. Just...just go home already."

* * *

Cecil had bruised his upper arm in the retreat. 


	35. Chapter Twenty: New Resolve

**Fire Emblem 7, The Parody  
Chapter 20: New Resolve**

At last, Eliwood's long-awaited reunion with his father, as well as their painful farewell. After escaping the Dread Isle, the team return to the port town of Bandon. Eliwood remains silent for the entirety of the voyage. He sits cradiling his father's cold hand, as if hoping to warm him back to life.

* * *

Lyn sighed, arms folded across the railing of the ship. She stared out at the ocean, eyes almost blank. Hector approached the nomad girl, and tilted his head. "Hey, Lyndis" he asked, shaking her shoulder a bit. "What's on your mind? Is it about Eliwood and his pop?"

Lyn blinked, and looked over at Hector. "Oh. Well...that's mostly it. But I also just have this nagging feeling that we forgot something back at the Dread Isle..."

"Well, it probably wasn't anything important."

* * *

Winny Gnome came out of the foilage, two suitcases in his hands, and a suitcase under his right arm. "Okay guys, I'm ready to g--" He looked around, seeing no one was there. "...Oh...that's the seventh time this has happened. This year."

* * *

A few days later, back in Bandon, the lordlings and the two performers were gathered around in a room at the inn. Lyn stepped over to Ninian, and tilted her head in concern. "You feeling any better, Ninian?"

The young dancer nodded. Lyn smiled in response. "That's good to know." She straightened herself, and looked over at the bard. "It's been a while, Nils. You've grown, haven't you?"

Nils gave a little "hee-hee", before he answered. "It feels like it's been a long time. I know it was only a year, but still."

"Hey, mind including us in this conversation?" Hector asked.

Lyn looked over at him, and nodded. "I suppose." She turned to face the young boy. "Nils, this is Hector, brother of Marques Ostia. Don't let his outward appearance fool you. He may act like a jerk, but he's not so bad once you get to know him."

"_Acts _like a jerk?" Hector asked. "You're looking rather black yourself, Ms. Kettle" he grumbled under his breath.

Lyn snickered, and looked over at Eliwood, who was sitting on the bed. "And you might remember this one. That's--"

"I know" Nils said with a nod. "That's the man that saved Ninian last year." The young bard approached Eliwood, arms folded behind his back. "You're Lord Elbert's kid, ain't cha? I can tell because you have the look of a cheesy action hero."

Eliwood looked up from his mooping, and glanced over at Nils. "How did you meet my father, anyway?" he asked.

Nils grinned, and clapped his hands together. "Well, that's a story best told in...Wide-Screen Flashback!"

"Nils?" Ninian took her brother by the shoulder. "We're already in Wide-Screen."

"Oh...fine, then it can only be explained in...A flashback!"

"I'll get the popcorn" Hector said, excusing himself from the room.

"Frame shift left!" Nils continued, waving his arm to the left. The screen started to fade towards the left.

"See you after the flashback" Lyn bidded.

* * *

_"Get in there, you!" a Black Fang guard ordered, throwing Nils and Ninian into a cell, before shutting the door and closing it._

_"Hey, careful, you'll wrinkle the material!" Nils shouted, before getting to his feet, and brushing the dust off his clothes._

_"Now they're taking children prisoner?" asked a voice from further inside the cell. The two children blinked, and looked over at the voice. Chained to the wall was a noble looking man, with fine, red hair, and a red moustache._

_"Wha--m...mister? Who are you?" Ninian asked._

_The man smiled. "My name is Lord Elbert of Pherae. I'm a special prisoner, because during major plot points, I get dragged out of this cell to watch."_

* * *

"At one point, he was dragged out of his cell to watch Nergal gloat and plot, and when he came back, he beat up the guards, buying enough time for Ninian and myself to make a get away" Nils explained, the scene returning to present time.

"That wasn't much of a flashback, was it?" Lyn pointed out.

Hector re-entered the room, a bowl of popcorn in his hands. "Oh, did I miss it?" he pouted.

"We got on a boat that was made by a strange looking fellow" Nils continued. "He tried to come with us, but he had to go to the bathroom, and Black Fang were chasing us, so we had no time to wait for him."

Back on the Dread Isle, Winny was busy carving out wood for yet another raft. "This wouldn't be so embarassing if it didn't keep happening..." the gnome muttered to himself.

"However, we got caught in a storm, and I was thrown overboard. I had to swim back to shore, because it only took me a day. Going to friendly territory would've taken me three. And, well, the tide wasn't in my favor."

"You...swam back to the Dread Isle?" Lyn asked, wondering how such a tiny little kid could have the endurance to swim for 24-hours straight.

"For a time, I hid myself in the ruins. Then I sensed something very, very bad was going to happen, so I rushed to the Dragon's Gate. There I saw you guys, and Ninian, and Nergal killing Eliwood's father, and--"

At that point, Eliwood started crying again. Nils tugged at his shirt collar. "And I probably shouldn't have said that..."

"Maybe we should go" Hector pointed out, starting to scoot Nils along towards the door.

Eliwood shook his head, slowly regaining his composure. "No...sniff...no, I'm fine. Please, continue, it'll be okay..."

Lyn shook her head, and furrowed her brow, speaking up before Nils could continue. "When we pulled Ninian up from the boat, she had lost her memory. To think we brought her right back to her captors...Father Sky, I can't believe we did such a horrible thing..."

Ninian smiled, and shook Lyn's shoulder. "Lady Lyn...it's not your fault. They would've caught me anyway. After Nils fell overboard, I didn't know what to do...I was lost within myself...I would've been too weak to fight back." Ninian's face fell serious. "If I had been stronger, this could've been avoided..."

Nils sat on a nearby table, bobbing his legs. He decided he should probably elaborate on Ninian's previous statement. "Technically, she is stronger than me, but at a cost, it drains her greatly of her emotional and physical strength." The young bard scratched his cheek. "Nergal...exploited that weakness."

Eliwood threw his legs over the side of the bed, and looked over at the young bard. "Nils, was he after you and Ninian because you had the power to call dragons?"

Nils shook his head. "Nah, I think he can already do that. He probably needed us to open in the gates."

Lyn's eyes widened. Hector's jaw dropped to the floor. Eliwood raised an eyebrow. "He can call upon them all on his own?"

"Yeah, but it requires a lot of quintessence" Nils explained.

Hector flipped through the dictionary, mumbiling the word to himself multiple times. "I know the kid's making things up..." he muttered.

Lyn looked over Hector's shoulder, and pointed to a word. "No, here it is. _Quintessence. Noun. A pure, highly concentrated essence of something_."

Nils shrugged. "It's what Nergal called it. The substance of human life. Pure power and energy...Nergal stole this quintessence."

"And what happens to those who have had their..." Hector made quotation signs with his fingers. "_quintessence_ stolen?"

Nils looked at the floor for a bit, before looking back up at Hector. "They die..." the child answered solemnly. "Neither Ninian nor I have that power. Lyndis knows, that, she saw the extent of what we can do (mostly). Nergal needed to gather a large amount of quintessence, so he sent his flunky, Ephidel, to get close to Marques Laus. He wanted to plant the seeds of war in Darin's power-hungry heart."

"To what ends?" Eliwood asked.

"Well, quintessence varies in strength from person to person. A guy like, say, Kozo, would have a much more powerful quintessence than those footmen that old Lundregen had running around. But, of course, there aren't many people like that..."

"Thank god..." Hector muttered to himself.

"So Nergal hatched a plan. He figured that if he could gather the spirit of tens of thousands of men, he could easily open the Dragon's Gate."

Hector looked up from his muttering, angered. "So that's what his plan was? Make up for quality with quantity? That man is sick..." he cursed.

"...Ephidel also brought Elbert to the Dragon's Gate. He said he found the ideal source that he sought. Nergal's plans for war were stopped, but...he was happy. He'd taken so much energy from the knights traveling with Elbert, and he figured he could get more from--" Nils clamped his hands over his mouth. "Oops..."

Eliwood shook his head. "It's okay Nils...when I found my father at the Dragon's Gate, I knew that not a single one of the knights were alive. All dead. Not a sole survivor."

* * *

A silver sword cut through the foilage, as a young, gallant looking knight stepped onto the beach of the Dread Isle. He had short, golden blonde hair, and a fair complexion. His clothing was brown and beige, and his armour was a forest green, as was his large, triangular shield. He placed his sword in his sheath, and brushed a loose bang out of his eyes.

"At last! I, Sir Harken, sole surviving member of the Knights of Pherae, have made it out of the accursed woods! Now, my new task is to find a way off this god-forsaken rock, and--"

"Hey, a visitor!" the young gnome, Winny, beamed. "You came just in time, I just finished my raft." He motioned towards his small, wooden boat. "It should get us back to the mainland within a few days easily."

"Ah, but I notice it is only big enough for an adult, or two small people" Harken observed. There was a pause, before the knight lifted his leg, and booted Winny to the side. He then pushed the boat into the water, leapt on, and paddled off to the horizon.

Winny pulled his head out of the sand, and spat some grains out. "Gah, that's the third time this week!" he cursed.

* * *

Nils looked up at Eliwood, and smiled. "Your father told us he had a son. A son blessed with natural, if latent, fighting capabilities. But he also told us you were compassionate and distained combat. He told us that you would make a better ruler than he was..."

"Here comes the guilt trip..." Lyn muttered to herself.

"He also said he'd rather sacrifice his life then see his beloved home, family and son consumed in the flames of war" Nils continued.

"...That's..." Eliwood choked.

"When we lost all hope in the Dragon's Gate, your father spoke to us of happy things. ...Well, they were mostly about his cherised son and his beloved wife, but Ninian and I...we loved him very much. His stories about his family... ...they saved us."

"Oh, Fa--... ...Father..." Eliwood blubbered, before tucking his head into his legs. "Oh, Father, I'm so sorry for screaming at you for denying me an increase to my allowance when I was seven!" he wailed.

Hector looked over at Eliwood, before nudging Lyn. "Maybe we should go..." he muttered.

Lyn nodded, before she started scooting Ninian out of the room, while Hector pushed along Nils.

* * *

"L...Lord Eliwood?" Ninian stuttered, poking her head into the room.

The red haired noble looked up, and gave a soft smile. "Hello Ninian. Look, sorry about before, but I just...needed some time to think." He stood up from the bed, and approached the young dancer. "Should you even be up and about? You took a bit of a beating back on the Dread Isle."

Ninian looked to the side, somewhat ashamed. Eliwood looked her over. "Look at you, all scratches and bruises...you should really get some rest."

"...Why?" Ninian muttered, looking up at Eliwood.

"Well, you should get some rest because that way, your wounds can heal, and--"

"No, I mean...why was your father...and why are you, for that matter...why were you two so nice to us? This...this is all my fault...these nightmares...these terrible things..." A few tears trailed down the girl's face.

Eliwood put on his most charming smile, and brushed a hand across Ninian's cheek, wiping a tear from her face. "Ninian, crying ill suits a girl of your beauty. I am fine, believe me. Please...don't cry."

"I'm so sorry..." Ninian said with a sniffle. "But...But I..."

"Ninian, please, you must stop beating yourself up, over this. ...No, I'm serious, please, put that book down. ...Look, I'm being very serious, you should...oh, fine, if you're so dedicated on tenderizing your face with a book, use this one. It's small and paperback."

Ninian put down the hardcopy of a Luna Tome, and took the small book from Eliwood's hand. "Thank you...stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" she repeated over and over, continously smacking herself with the book.

"Eliwood! Eliwood!" Kozo shouted, bursting into the room. "Trouble! We've got--" The shaman stopped, noticing Ninian's self-semi-mutilation. "...Ninian, why are you hitting yourself with that book?"

"Lord Eliwood told me to."

"...Pansy-boy..." Kozo growled menicingly.

"She insisted!" Eliwood shouted in his defense.

"Never mind. Where's Nils?"

"Hector dragged him out the other door a few minutes ago."

"...He's a dead man. Look, get your poker, and get outside, bandits are attacking."

"Hey, for one thing, it's a _rapier_. And second...wait, what? Bandits?"

"Or something. They sure don't look like the royal guard of Laus."

Eliwood walked over to the table, and took the sheath holding his rapier. "Good thing Marcus had a spare..." he muttered, before attaching the sheath to his belt. He turned to the young dancer, who had her book torn away from her before she could hit herself again. "Ninian, stay here, stay safe, and please, don't hit yourself with that book anymore."

"Alright..." Ninian nodded, before reaching for the Luna Tome.

"Or ANY book for that matter!" Eliwood interupted. "Or any form of self-mutilation!"

"Okay..."

The young noble looked over at Kozo. "Where's everyone else?"

"For the most part, they're outside. Some of them are still suiting up for the battle to come" the shaman explained. "Now, let's stop mincing words, and just get going."

* * *

By the time Eliwood and Kozo had gotten outside, Hector had already convinced Nils to get to safetly, and Cecil had prepared a map of the area.

"Blast this infernal darkness..." Cecil cursed. "I can't think of a good strategy in this environment."

Kozo sighed, and tossed his pendant towards Cecil. "I tinkered with this baby a bit. You can take a good look and find out all you need to know about the enemy."

"Thanks, Kozo. But...don't you need this?" Cecil asked.

"Well, somebody has to watch out for Nils and Ninian. And I think it should be m--" Kozo started.

"What? Oh, oh no. No way. Not you."

"Well, why not? Are you still uptight about that whole _kidnapping _incident last year?"

"You nearly KILLED us back then!"

"Yes, back then. Look at the here and now, you idiot."

Cecil looked to the ground, then back up at the shaman. "Well, I don't know..."

"Think of it this way: You get to be tactician two chapters in a row."

"Done!" Cecil said, beaming. "Now, go out there and protect those kids!"

Kozo smirked, and gave a sarcastic bow. "Your wish is my command, oh mighty tactician." With that, the shaman rushed off back to the inn where Nils and Ninian were staying for safe keeping.

Cecil looked around, and blinked in a bit of confusion. "Hey...where are our two axe-fighters?" he wondered out loud.

"They ran into...complications, from what I heard" Rebecca explained.

"What sort of complications?"

"Well..."

* * *

_Five minutes earlier..._

_Dorcas slung his quiver over his shoulder, and hefted up his huge axe in his hand. "Come on, Bartre. Suit up. We've got a midnight melee about to happen."_

_"Um...Dorcas? I hog-tied myself with the belt..." Bartre whineed._

_Dorcas ran a hand down his face, exasperated. "Again?"_

* * *

Cecil shook his head. "This is not good...this is not good at all..." He looked up at one of the only two other axe-wielders in the group. "Dart!"

"Sir!" the pirate answered, grinning. "I'm ready to fight if you want me to!"

"Go help Dorcas unite Bartre!"

"...oh..." Dart moaned, trudging off.

* * *

Ninian sat up from the bed, and walked towards the door. "H...hey! Ninian! Where are you going?" Nils asked, trying to stop her.

"I'm going out there to help Lord Eliwood" Ninian explained, a serious tone in her voice.

"Uh-uh. Out of the question" Kozo denied, shaking his head.

Ninian looked between the two, as she continued her protest. "It's my fault that Eliwood lost his father. I know I can't possibly make it up to him, but...I want to try. Please, you two..."

Kozo hung his head, and sighed. "Alright, fine. Go out there if you wish. But if you die, you can expect pansy-boy to be joining you shortly..."

Nils approached his sister, and took her hands. "If you're going out there, let's just be certain that it's not certain suicide." A faint, blue aura surrounded the young bard.

"Nils?" Ninian asked. "What are you--"

"I'm transfering my power to you. I got a bit of a workout when I was with Lyn, so this might help you." The blue glow gathered at the boy's hands, before it moved along to the young dancer, and then enveloped her body.

Ninian took her hands away, and smiled. "Thank you, Nils." With that, she went for the door, bowed her head in respect in Kozo's direction, and left.

"You really think she'll be okay?" Nils asked.

"No," he answered honestly, "But if pansy-boy and his friends know what's good for them, they'll--" the shaman cut himself off suddenly, as Nils was overcome by a wave of weakness and fainted, being caught quickly by Kozo.

"...I forgot that happens..." Nils muttered to himself before falling asleep.

"..." Kozo didn't say a word. He just lifted Nils up and took him outside, to go get a good vantage point of the battle, carrying the boy against his chest.

* * *

"Alright, who's too tired to even move?" Cecil asked bluntly. A few hands rose, and the tactician nodded. "Get back to safety right away. You'll do us no good on the feild of battle." Those who raised their hands went back to the houses, to warn people about the impending struggle, before seeing about going back to bed.

The tactician looked over towards the old fortune teller. "Hannah, what's the--"

The old woman was snoring peacefully, whilst standing straight.

"Hannah, would you mind...I'm asking very nicely, would you mind..." Cecil tried to ask, before he sighed. "Matthew, would you mind?"

Matthew grinned, and approached the old fortune teller. "Not a problem." With that, he took out a board from behind his back, and smacked the old woman over the head with it.

"Wha! Wha! Who's there!" Hannah yelped, spinning around. "I've got a Thunder on a stick, and I don't know how to use it!"

"You fell asleep..." Cecil explained.

"Huh?" Hannash asked, blinking. She shook her head. "Yeah, well, it's your own fault for expecting me to tell fortunes in the middle of the--"

Cecil held up a shiney, gold coin. Hannah beamed, and revealed the coin slot on her shoulder. "Just pop it in, sonny."

"This is so wrong..." the tactician mumbled, as he slipped the coin into Hannah's system.

The old woman raised her arms, and let out an "ohmm...". She finally opened her eyes, and nodded. "I see it now. This battle will be faught in darkness, so thieves are good."

Cecil slapped his forehead. "Why do I always get the dud fortunes?" he muttered.

"Keep your pants on, I'm not finished!" Hannah snapped. She then looked Cecil over. "Actually.."

"No, no, no actually!" Cecil shouted, paniking.

Hannah let out an amused cakle. "Relax, kid. I'm only joking around. Besides, you're no _Proud and Green in Bern_ anyway."

Legault suddenly gasped, and approached the old woman. "Wait, you subscribe to the _Boys of Bern_ magazine, too?" he asked, on the verge of a squeal.

Hannah looked over at Legault, shaking her arms in an excited manner. "It's only got the hottest collection of male-meat ages 19 to 24!" she answered.

"Oh my god, did you see that issue where they featured that nice blonde guy with the shmock and the--" Legault was about to start.

"Hey. Hey! HEY!" Cecil shouted, getting Hannah's attention. "Creepy conversation about magazines whose targetted audience is young, teenaged girls, aged 14 to 19, LATER!" he shouted. "Fortune NOW!"

"Oh, fine...fine..." Hannah grumbled. "Alright, let's see...some archers will be good, as well as Anti-Toxins and the Sleep Staff. There are some balistas nearby, so be sure to have one of your archers man tha--"

"Gone!" Wil yipped out, before vanishing, leaving a trail of dust.

"...He didn't even wait to hear where they were...or for orders..." Cecil muttered. He let out a yawn, and looked at his remaining troops. They...weren't many. "Okay, everyone, I know we're tired and cranky, so let's make this as short. Just...rush 'em and don't die, alright? Both of our healers have turned in for the evening."

"Actually, I can use staves with some sort of succe--" Erk started, raising his hand.

"Are you on horseback?"

"Well, no..."

"Can anyone else use staves?"

"Well, Lucius can, but he also turned in..."

"Do you have a distence staff like the Physic staff?"

"Well, that's a rare artifact of a staff, so, no, I don't--"

"As I said, try not to go in over your heads" Cecil finished.

Young Rebecca, tired but willing to fight, rushed off to find Wil, faltering in her steps. Dedicated Fiora flew off to find and eliminate the enemy, the vigilant Sir Kent riding underneath. Lyn and Florina took the north side, young Canas trailing in the back. Sir Marcus rode off to warn townspeople the tired members of their party did not yet reach, while Erk and Hector held their ground, to blast enemy units to bits should they make it past the others. Matthew, Guy and Legault had already taken to the streets to scout for enemies and take out what they could.

Eliwood held up his rapier, and prepared to move out. "And now, it's time for me to make my dramatic exit in the direction of the--"

"Lord Eliwood! Wait!" came the cry of young Ninian.

"de-zuh?" Eliwood stammered, as he stumbled forward a bit. Regain his composure, he sheathed his weapon, and turned to face the dancer. "Ninian? What are you doing out here? Shouldn't you be inside? With Kozo, where's it's safe? ...Actually, maybe being out here with blood thirsty bandits is a better idea..."

"I know I'm not much of a fighter, but...my dances..they can help you. Protect you. Please, let me just try" Ninian requested.

The red haired noble bit his lower lip, before he smiled, and nodded. "Alright. Dance away."

Ninian bowed in respect, before twisting and turning, her long sash fluttering behind her. She spun around the noble, as the sash brushed along his face. She spun in place one more time, and bowed. Eliwood was about to ask for the purpose of all that, when, suddenly, he felt like his skin was encased in armour, which it wasn't.

Ninian took Eliwood's shocked expression as a sign that she should explain. "My dance has now formed a protective barrier around you. It won't last long, but...it should help a little."

Eliwood looked at Ninian, and nodded. "Alright. Now, come on. We've got some bandits to wipe out."

* * *

Wil paced around the balista, eyes wide, and mouth in a stupid grin. "Oh, you're a bad little balista, ain't cha?" he asked, slapping the side of the large, ridable bow. "Ain't cha? Huh? What's that? You want me to ride you? Okay, but only because you asked so nicely."

As Wil got in, Rebecca just continued to watch, eyes wide. Wil looked over at the girl, and tilted his head. "What? Is there something on my face?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"Your face."

"What the...I don't get it."

"Yep. You're Wil alright."

Wil blinked. "Wait...how do you know my name?"

"Wil, come on, it's me! Rebecca!"

"Rebecca, eh? You know, I once had a friend in Pherae named Rebecca."

"That's the thing! That Rebecca is me!"

"Then...why did you say that..."

"Well, come on, Wil, why would I have the same face and name?"

Wil beamed, still sitting in his bow. "Well, why didn't you say so? Rebecca, it's been so long, and--"

"Don't you give me any of that _it's been soooo long_ stuff. You left without saying goodbye, and I haven't heard from you since!"

Wil turned a bit red, and scratched the back of his head. "Yeah, um...the thing about that...well, uh..." He then beamed brightly. "I enlisted myself in the Caelin army, actually..."

"...You did WHAT?"

"Yeah. I traveled with Lyn last year, helped her save her kingdom with my bow, and, well, papers were signed, and I now serve under her."

"Lyn...you mean, Lady Lyndis?" Rebecca pointed out.

Wil blinked, and then smiled again. "Huh. You know, I shouldn't keep making that mistake. I mean, I serve under her, I should be getting the name and title right."

Rebecca looked at the ground, looking almost creast fallen. The male archer blinked again, a look of concern on his face. "Rebecca, why so gloomy? Why are stress marks on your forehead? Why are you tossing that rock up and down in your hand? Why are glaring at me with such malice? Why are you winding up for the infamous, over handed knuckle--"

WHACK!

Wil laid back in his balista seat, tounge out, X's for eyes, and birdies flying around his head. Rebecca huffed, and stampped off. "Idiot!" she shouted.

* * *

The wyvern swooped down low, its rider driving his lance towards the cobblestone road. Lyn, a smirk on her face and her sword in its sheath, easily leapt backwards, and out of the way. The enemy rider cursed under his breath, and rose for a second attack, when a young pegasus rider careened into him, the butt of her lance first, her cry of "Sorry!" a close second.

Lyn looked up at her companion, letting out a sincere, if quick, "Thanks". Florina, even over the paniked cry of the falling rider, the crash of a human-sized object landing in yesterday's refuse, and even the sickening "splurt" of tossed up garbage landing on said human-sized target, heard her freind's word of gratitude, and flushed a little.

Completely oblivious to the secnd wyvern rider. In fact, it wasn't until Lyn let out a shout of "Look out!", that Florina took notice of her impending threat. She let out a quick "Eek!" of surprise, before veering to an extreme right to dodge the lance thrust.

Too extreme.

With a continued scream, Florina lost balance, and fell. That's when two things went right. First, Lyn, not having to toss aside or put away her already sheathed sword, was able to catch her falling friend, stumbiling, but not faltering. Second, Canas rushed in, his hand encased in a purple haze.

"Feel the power of Anicent Magic!" the shaman cried. The haze on his hand grew, and the tome he carried flipped through its pages, as though carried in a sudden breeze. "Nosferatu!"

Runes of magical properties danced around the wyvern rider, before he could feel his vital enegery being drained away. It wasn't enough to keep him down, and he now persued the suddenly retreating Canas.

This gave Florina ample time to look at her dear friend, and smile, her blush, unwittingly, getting deeper as Lyn held her up heroically. "Th...thanks..." she stuttered.

Lyn returned the smile, and a bit of the blush. "Don't worry, Florina. We've got your back. And you know I'll always be close by, watching over you. Just like old times" the noble nomad vowed.

Florina's face felt hot. Her breath felt cold. Her heart raced like Sain to the Caelin Pub on Lady's Night. And, and this was the best part, her gut and her backbone were present. "Lady Lyndis...I..." Florina started, turning her head to avoid looking up through Lyn's chest to her face.

Canas poked his head in from behind a nearby building. "Lady Lyndis" he reported, "the enemy riders in this area have--" And he stopped, noticing just how awkward the situation now became. Canas looked at Lyn.

Lyn looked at Canas.

Florina looked at Canas.

Hector looked at Canas.

"Wait, what's he doing here?"

Canas looked at Florina. "Umm...perhaps I should let you girls right yourselves before I continue..."

"That would be wise" Lyn nodded, gently getting Florina, to her feet. The pegasus knight cursed her hesitense; that and Canas's bad timing had completely ruined the mood. Once again, she'd have to tell her Lady Lyndis how she truely felt...later.

* * *

Kent raised his leg, and kicked down, pushing aside the axe wielding brigand. He then whirled his sword around his head, letting out a cry, before chopping the blade down on another bandit. He continued these attacks, and, eventually, bandits had either fallen at his feet, or have already retreated.

With the lull in attacks, Kent rode swiftly to his field partner, her area also clear of enemies. "Lady Fiora! Are you unharmed?"

Fiora looked up from her mount, and smiled at the red knight. "Sir Kent, fear not for my sake. I am unharmed, just a little...tired." As she said this, her eye-lids drooped slightly. "Perhaps I should recoperate breifly, 'fore I return to battle."

Kent nodded. "I suppose I shall stand close by, in case you are attacked in your faitigue."

The pegasus knight smiled. "That would be very much appreciated, Sir Kent" she said, with a nod of her head.

A minute passed in silence, before Fiora struck up a question. "You're one of the knights that took care of my baby sister, aren't you?" she asked, as though she already knew the answer.

Kent nodded. "Indeed. She has become a fine young woman, and a highly valued addition to the Caelin knights" he informed, still with a stoic expression.

Fiora's smile widdened. "I'm glad she's been such a big help" she said. "I was worried her fear of men would get in both her way, and your's."

Kent gave a small smile, and continued. "She spoke often of her family back home. She said I reminded her of you, her oldest sister, on more than one occasion."

Fiora blinked, and looked up. "I didn't know you were that feminine. No wonder you and Sain are such close friends."

"I don't think that is what she meant..."

There was a pause in their conversation, before Fiora cleared her throat. "Perhaps we should return to driving out the bandits..."

Krny nodded. "I agree. Let us be off, then, my female counter-part."

Fiora smirked. "Was that a flirt?" she asked.

Kent responded with a smirk of his own. "Could be."

* * *

"Parry! Parry! Thrust!" Eliwood let out, with a "ha!" at the end of "thrust". He pulled his rapier out of the enemy knight's visor. "Saint Elimine have mercy..."

"Eliwood! Hey, Eliwood!" Hector shouted, as the majority of the troops regrouped.

"Ah, Hector" Eliwood observed with a nod. "How goes the fight?"

"Very well, actually" Erk answered. "Most everyone has finished with their respective area."

"And all the villagers were unharmed throughout all this" Marcus continued with a nod. "Although..."

"Yeah, something doesn't seem right to you either, huh?" Cecil observed. "These aren't ordinary rogues. They seem...what's the word..."

"Disciplined" Kent pointed out grimly.

"That, and the fact that wyvern riders, knights, and monks were among their number" Lyn pointed out with a shrug.

Ninian looked left and right, and blinked. "Where is Matthew?" she asked. "And Rebecca? And Raven? And Legault? And Wil?"

The aformentioned thieves rushed in (with Rebecca and Raven highly disappointed in being termed 'thieves'), Rebecca slowly advancing after them, back turned, and shooting at a distent foe. "In case you were wondering" Legault pointed out, "we're right here, having some trouble with this guy..." He then flinched, clutching his left arm, right hand lined with blood.

"'cept for that Raven guy. He's fighting the big boss with Rebecca supplyng cover fire" Matthew explained. His hair was caked with dry blood, and bruises were all over his body.

"And Wil, since I beaned him with that rock" Rebecca explained, before loading another arrow, and letting fly.

Legault looked over at Matthew, and a sudden smirk appeared on his face. "Oh, sweetie, you're a mess. Maybe I could kiss your wounds and make them all--"

"Legault, now is not the time, nor the place" Matthew groaned.

CRASH!

"Gah..." Raven choaked, before falling from his indent in the nearby building. The group stared.

"That is one strong bandit..." Lyn observed, "if he could toss Raven aside like that..."

Cecil bit his lower lip, and shook his head. He then turned in the opposite direction.

"H...hey!" Eliwood shouted. "Where are you going?"

"There's something I need to take care of!" Cecil answered, before turning around the corner.

As Cecil vanished, the leader of the raiding party advanced, and thumped his padded-armoured chest. Bits of red hair stuck out from under his viking-esque helmet, and his muscular physique easily supported his giant axe. A quiver of arrows and an oakwood bow rested on his back. "I am Oleg!" he bellowed. "And I bear a message from Lord Nergal!"

"Nergal?" Hector shouted. "Then you're with the Black Fang!"

Oleg growled a bit, and continued. "If you surrender the children quietly, your lives will be spared. But if you resist, then I will revel in gutting you like trout."

The warrior stared down at the nearly unconscious mercenary, a cruel sneer on his face. "Anybody wanna try after your friend?"

Hector drummed his fingers on the handle of his axe. Kent drew his sword, and Marcus lifted up his lance, but all three took note of their fallen companion. Raven was battered and bruised, and his face actually showed an expression of pain. And this Oleg fellow didn't even seem to be touched, save for the three arrow holes in his armour Rebecca may have caused.

Oleg let out a ga-fah. "What's this? Hesitent, are we? To think you would contest Lord Nergal, and not have the guts to--"

Suddenly, a cloaked figure landed between Oleg and the party. The cloak was forest green, hood up, hiding the face. The cloak was flowing and concealing, hiding most of the body from the back, and showing on the legs, lean and somewhat exercised, from the front.

Oleg blinked twice, and then grinned. "And just who are you supposed to be?" he asked.

"..." was the figure's only response.

"Not a talker, I see" Oleg observed with a smirk. He hefted up his axe, and imbedded to into the ground. "But let's just see if you're fighter material."

The figure reached into its cloak, and pulled out a large swallow, its twin blades serated and menacing. The figure nodded, and gestured for Oleg to make the first move.

The warrior raised his axe high, and bellowed, rushing towards this new fighter. The cloaked figure gave a smirk under the cowl, and easily blocked the attack with the first blade, and followed it up with the second blade going into Oleg's armour.

Blade scratching his chest, Oleg grunted, and backed away. He imbedded his axe into the ground, and took his bow. Pulling back the string, arrow loaded, he fired.

The cloaked fighter raised its swallow, deflecting the shot. Oleg growled, and took out another arrow. He fired, before loading his bow and firing again. And again. And again. And many times more.

The forest green fighter spun the swallow clockwise, deflecting the arrows as they came. As the arrow rain ceased, the cloaked stranger was unharmed, and kept the swallow spinning. The figure then advanced towards Oleg, in order to thrust one of the swallow blades.

Oleg seethed, clutching his new wound. "Okay, now I'm mad!" he shouted, grabbing his axe. He charged towards his foe, turning in circles wildly as he ran. As he swung downwards to deal a crushing blow, the figure hopped backwards, out of the way. It then leapt over onto Oleg's head, and then into the night.

The warrior turned to see the cloaked swallow wielder depart. "Come back here, you coward!" he shouted. "And face the--!"

THA-CUNK!

Oleg choaked, and stumbled a bit, before falling forwards, a throwing axe in his back.

Eliwood looked to where the axe had come from, and noticed Dorcas, his arm extended. The other two axe wielders, Dart and Bartre, were standing behind him. Eliwood beamed. "Ah, Dorcas. Glad you could join us."

Dorcas walked past Eliwood, before retrieving his throwing axe. "We would've come sooner, but, for all his stupidity, Bartre is a master knot-tier. It took Dart and I an hour to get him out of his hogtie. It would've been three if Dart hadn't bashed Bartre over the head twenty minutes in to shut him up."

Dart shook his head. "Of course, as soon as we got him untied, he woke up, and insisted he put his belt on before he went to battle. And, somehow, he got it around his head this time."

"The belt buckle is hurting my eye..." Bartre mumbled from behind the belt that had wrapped around the entirety of his head.

"Well, at least we're all safe" Kozo sighed, approaching the group, still carrying a sleeping Nils. After getting a few looks, he looked down at the young bard. "Poor little guy fell unconscious shortly after Ninian left to help you guys, so I took care of him."

Canas pondered on something, before looking left and right. "Since we have one of our tacticians here, I am reminded...where is our other strategist? Where is Cecil?"

Cecil stepped into the area, holding a half-eaten sandwich in his hand, and chewing on his next bite. "Hey guys" he greeted, before looking at the body of Oleg, blood around an axe wound in his back. "I see you've handled that boss easily. Well done."

"Cecil, where were you?" Lyn asked.

"Well, I was hungry, and I had to get a sandwich" Cecil explained.

Eliwood, somewhat skeptical, pressed on. "In the middle of a combat situation?"

"Well, I trust you all. I trust you enough to think of a good tactic on defeating this guy without my help." Cecil took another bite of his sandwich, and looked at Oleg's body again. "Apparently, I was right."

"Still..." Eliwood shook his head.

"What, you want me to be a bitchy tactician, like Kozo? I could, but I think one is enough. Or more than, sometimes."

Kozo gently placed Nils on the ground, before walking over to Cecil, and smacking him upside the head. Cecil let out an "ow!", before pointing out, "See? See? Is this what you want me to be like?"

* * *

Erk sighed, and opened the door to his room in the inn. Aftrer today's events, he was too tired to put up with much more before going to bed. He just wanted to fall into his pillows, and sleep until the Four Horsemen sat down for a tea party with the Four Seraphim.

Which is why he was somewhat shocked, happy, and quite annoied that Priscilla was in his room, apparently waiting for him. "Lady Priscilla...what are you doing?"

"Oh, hello Erk..." Priscilla greeted with a slight slur. "Sherra and I were tihred of waiting for yoush and the otherhs, so we dechided to get a feeeew drihnks."

"...And how many did you have?" Erk asked.

"Um...one...twooo...shree...four...five...I don't have that many finghers..."

"Try using your second hand."

"Oh, shank hugh...um...five...shi...shit...shix! We had shix drinks!"

"Huh. Never knew for you to be a bit of a drunk..." Erk muttered.

Priscilla shook her head. "I'm shorrrry, Erk..." she apologized. "I shouldn't keep a Shage like you up any longer..."

Erk suddenly smiled with pride. "Why, yes, I...I suppose I did become a true Sage, recently. It just doesn't seem so different..."

"I shaw a differenche..." Priscilla pointed out, approaching Erk.

* * *

Now, if you're wondering why Raven hadn't, by now, burst into the room and punish Erk for taking advantage of his kid sister, even though the mage hadn't done anything, it might be to your interest that Lucius had found him shortly after the battle was over.

"Don't worry, Lord Raven, you'll be back to full health in no time!" Lucius assured, putting on the last bandage.

Raven looked up at the bishop, somewhat unamused. "My arm isn't broken, yet you put it in a sling. My legs are fine, and you put both in a cast. My eyes work just perfectly, and you put ice over the left one. Lucius, why in heck are you over reacting like this?"

Lucius beamed. "Just my way of showing that I care!" he answered. He then let out a yawn. "Well, look at the time...it's...qu...quarter-past..." The bishop wasn't able to finish his sentence, before falling asleep on top of the mercenary.

"...Lucius..." Raven muttered.

Kozo was watching through the doorway. "See! See Leggy! I told you! Didn't I tell you!" he declared triumphantly.

"Yes, yes, alright, I owe you tenbucks and a sponge bath...and stop calling me _Leggy_."

* * *

"Wh...what difference?" Erk asked, shocked slightly by Priscilla's forwardness, even if she was somewhat intoxicated.

Priscilla wrapped her arms around Erk, leaning her head on his shoulder. Erk flushed slightly, as the young troubadour started tracing circles on his right forearm. "When hugh became a Shage..." she pointed out, "hugh got muschles. Ghood muschles..."

"That's my line, bitch!" Serra suddenly shooted, kicking down the door.

"oh great..." Erk muttered.

"Oh, give it up, already!" Priscilla snapped, looking up at Serra, her slur apparently disapating. "He doesn't even like you!"

"Of course he does! He's just too shy to admit it!"

"No I don't..."

"See? Erk agrees with _me_" Priscilla continued.

"As I said, he's shy! He's in denial!" Serra countered. "And he CERTAINLY wouldn't want to be with some weak spined, prissy litle, man-stealing--"

"Oh, it is ON, bitch!" Priscilla shouted, letting go of Erk, and lunging at Serra.

"Didn't know her to be a mean drunk as well..." Erk muttered, wide eyed.

Priscilla slapped. Serra scratched. Priscilla bit. Serra clawed. Priscilla went for another slapping, but fell short. Serra continued scratching, but each scracthed lessened and lessened until she was just rubbing Priscilla across the face very slowly. Finally, both cleric-girls fell to the floor, dead asleep.

"I suppose I should do something about this..." Erk muttered, before he carefully took Priscilla up into his arms, took her over to the bed, placed her underneath the covers, rested her head gently on the pillow, and tucked the blankets in around her. He then looked over at Serra, and rubbed his chin. "I suppose I should also do something about her, too..."

So he took her by the legs, dragged her into the hallway, went back into the room, and locked the door. Click.

And through all this, Serra kept snoring.

* * *

"Matthew," Guy leaned over the thief, dabbing some wet cloths over his forehead and cleaning off some blood stains, "you didn't have to do all of that."

"...Like I'd just let you go off and get killed," Matthew looked up at him. "You didn't even see that bandit behind you, did you?"

"No, but... you didn't see the one behind you, did you?"

"I thought you had that one..." Matthew shook his head, pushing Guy away. "Thanks, though," he smiled a bit, and walked off.

Guy paused for a few moments, blushed, and then shook his head. "No. Falling for him is letting Kozo win. Falling for him is letting Kozo win," he began to chant quietly to himself. "Falling for him is letting..."

* * *

"So, what should we do now?" Hector asked, as he, Lyn, and Eliwood sat around in their room.

"We need to see Marquess Ostia" Eliwood suggested with a nod.

"My brother?" Hector asked, looking over at the red haired noble.

"After all we learned...how can we not let him know?"

"Fine, I suppose I can't argue with that logic..." Hector sighed.

Lyn looked over at the blue haired noble. "Something wrong about seeing your brother?"

"I'd assume he doesn't want to face Lord Uther, his brother," Eliwood explained, "because Hector has been lax in contacting him, and doesn't want to look down the end of a rather large lance. Right?"

"Well, how do you expect me to contact him while we're trapsing about the isles like a couple of merchants on holiday?" Hector nearly shouted.

Eliwood chuckled, and gave Hector a "tut-tut" waggle with his finger. "He's going to be mighty cross with you, Hector."

"Why you..." Hector let out with a smirk, before grabbing Eliwood in a headlock, and started giving him the noogie of his life.

Lyn sighed, chuckled, and shook her head, shrugging as she did all three. "Well, they seem to be in a good mood" she said to herself. "Better than falling into despair, I suppose."

* * *

A few minutes later, after getting out of Hector's headlock and trapping him in a Half-Nelson, Eliwood returned to his own room, where Marcus was waiting. "Ah, Lord Eliwood" the old paladin noted, looking up from his book. "Are you feeling better?"

Eliwood smiled slightly, and nodded. "Yes, Marcus. I'm sorry if I worried you."

"About Lord Elbert..." Marcus continued, shutting the book, and throwing his legs over the side of his bed. "At my own discretion, I sent a messenger to Lady Eleanora."

"...I see. Thank you, Marcus" Eliwood said with a slight bow. "Did you also include that thing about the--"

"Yes, yes, I included the location of her underwear in the letter..." Marcus said with a sigh. "She deserved to know what had happened, I figured. From what I was told, Lord Elbert's final moments were...quite honourable."

Eliwood sighed, and bowed his head, contemplating, before a clanking of armour filled the room. Both Eliwood and Marcus turned to see their visitor. It was a young woman, with long, dark blue hair, and soft, lady-like eyes. She was suited in almost shining, white armour, and a lavender traveling cloak hung around her shoulders. She went on one knee, showing great respect to the two before her. "Lord Eliwood. Commander Marcus" she addressed.

"Is...is that you, Isadora?" Marcus asked, standing up from the bed, still in battle gear.

"I finally found you two" she continued. "I am so relieved that you are well."

"And I you, Isadora" Eliwood said with a nod. "I'm so sorry I couldn't bring home any of the knights to share this reunion with, though..." he sighed.

Isadora began to tear up. "Yes, I...I figured as much."

Eliwood shook his head. "It will be so weird...no more shall Sir Allen grace as with his many tales and stories at the banquet hall..." he began to reminesse. "No longer shall Sir Ruthgar be in the training grounds, swinging his axe for the good of Pherae...no more shall Sir Harken--"

"BWWAAAAAAAAA!" Isadora suddenly wailed, tears flowing wildly.

Marcus walked over to Eliwood, and smacked him upside the head. "Ex-nay! On the Arken-Hay!" he shouted.

"Dude! Sorry!" Eliwood shouted over Isadora's bawling. He looked back at the female paladin, and patted her comfortingly on the shoulder. "There, there, Issy...um...I'm sure Harken--"

"Bwaaaa!"

"Made it out safely. He was the most crafting and daring of the knights. I doubted he would let himself be captured" Eliwood reasoned to the best of his ability.

Isadora's tears began to slow, before she finally calmed herself. "Yes...of...of course. How silly of me to...doubt him" she stammered, before regaining her composure. "I'm sorry about that..."

"It's alright, it was okay for you to worry."

Marcus suddenly voiced his opinion on the matter. "Why are you here in the first place, Isadora?" he asked. "I trust Lady Elenora is safe..."

"And you're right about that" Isadora nodded.

"But, with your departure, doesn't that leave the castle...short handed? We were scraping at the bottom of the barrel when we firsted started this trip. I had to take along my squire, Lowen."

"What's wrong with Lowen?" Eliwood asked.

"Don't you remember when, during training, he suddenly broke for a picnic lunch?" Marcus explained.

"..." Isadora bowed her head. "I'm begining to have serious doubts about this journey..." she sighed.

"I've been saying that from the start..." Marcus agreed with a sad nod.

"Since when, and where, were you saying that?" Eliwood asked.

"In my journel" Marcus explained. "First word at the start of every day: _I have serious doubts about this_..."

"Yes, Marcus, I get it..."

* * *

Back on the Dread Isle, some evil plotting was taking place.

"Right, I'll have a large pizza, with extra olives and a side of breadsticks. And give it wings. ...In a figurative sense, I meant! Right, bye-bye." Nergal hung up his phone. "Nimrods..." he mumbled. He then snapped his fingers. "Limstella! Sonia! Get your feminine butts in here!"

Sonia huffed, as the human and the morph, who looked strikingly alike, entered the room. "I am quite PROUD of my cushy hiney, thank you very much!" she explained with a huff.

Limstella just stood in silence, as Nergal continued. "My wound needs more time to heal. It was a deep cut that the pesky Lord Elbert gave me. And, well, since he's dead I can't really go to him for vengence, SO! I place it on his brat's head for compensation. Sonia!"

"What?" Sonia groaned, cleaning out her ear with finger, wet her clinging to her dress.

"Get that finger out of your ear and listen up. I have some instructions for you."

"Hphm. You're the one who called me while I was in the tub..." she muttered.

"I need you to get Brendan Reed to move the Black Fang. I've seen, time and again, I don't need mere underlings. I need some mighty people to push AROUND those underlings. I need the Four Fangs!"

"What you need is a--" Sonia muttered, before she saw Nergal glare at her. She grinned nervously. "Ah, don't worry my lord. I'll have them bowing their heads to you." With that, Sonia turned and left to return to her bath.

Nergal looked over to the morph. "Now, Limstella, my wound will need a lot of quintessence to heal. As the strongest of all my morphs, I need you to gather it for me. Kill anyone who shows signs of power."

"Yes, my lord..." Limstella answered robotically. She then suddenly drew a dagger, and approached Nergal.

"Anyone who shows signs of power and is not ME!" Nergal shouted, scooting back in his throne.

"Of course, my lord." She turned, and walked off. "Oh Sooooniaaaaa..." she cooed, dagger ready.

"And isn't Sonia! Look, don't kill ANYONE who I can still use to become king of the world! If that woman is nearly killed by those meddiling adventurers, than, yes, you may absorb her life energy. BUT NOT A MOMENT SOONER!"

"As you will, my lord."

* * *

Yoshimo let out a sigh of relief, as he approached the Wheel of Morality. Winny looked up from his music player. "You're looking forward to this" he observed. "That's new for you."

"Well, I got a professional coming up with the morals now. A lot less pressure on me" Yoshimo explained. "Now then, let's do this!"

He took hold of the wheel, and spun it around. "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn" Yoshimo sang. The wheel began to slow down, before finally stopping. "Moral Number 6."

A sheet of paper began to come out of the attached printer. "And the moral of today's story is..." Yoshimo said, taking the paper. He read it over, and raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Don't forget to...watch _Star Ocean 3: Doujinshi's Cut_, now playing at Yoshimo Studioes and Genis Irving's Mature Theatre?" he read.

Elsewhere...

A young, tanned girl grinned, and cracked her fingers, before returning to her type writter. "Peppita Rosetti, you are a genius..." she said to herself with a slight snicker. "This 'otta get us some publicity."

Back with Yoshimo...

The director shook his head. "First thing tomorrow, that girl is no longer in charge of the Wheel of Morality" he vowed.


	36. Chapter TwentyOne: Kinship Bond

**Fire Emblem 7, The Parody  
Chapter 21: Kinship's Bond**

Yoshimo sighed, as he looked through the current small pile of letters on his desk, reading and taking note of each review or complaint. "Let's see...Evergladelord is looking forward to this update...Seventh Sage pointed out several of her favorite scenes, again...Aramin is somewhat creped out by the ever growing gay jokes but still enjoying the story as a whole...Zap is enjoying this but politely pointing out that the Matthew and Guy jokes are getting a tad stale...Clepto Thief--"

Yoshimo's eyes widened, as he read the letter. He then sighed, and shook his head, closing his eyes, and furrowing his brow. "What the crap..."

* * *

The narrorator took his seat, and cleared his throat, before looking at his script. "Here we are...Our story begins with--"

Suddenly, Erk rushed by, flailing his arms wildly in the air, screaming at the top of his lungs. "HE'S GONNA RANT!" he warned, running down the poor narrator.

The narrator blinked, before he shook his head, and got off the floor, coughing the dust out of his lungs. "E..excuse me..." he stuttered, before he sat back in his seat. "Now, as I was saying, our story--"

Yoshimo came up from behind the narrator, and pushed his rolling chair off to the side, causing him to crash into the wall. "Sorry, but this is important" Yoshimo explained. He pulled up another chair, and cushioned himself into his seat, before taking out a small piece of paper, and clearing his throat.

"Let's see, where to begin...ah, yes, here we go..." Yoshimo glanced over his notes, before he continued. "To one mister Clepto Thief, I would first like to thank you for your support. It is always an honour to have a spot on someone's favorites list. However, I must ask you, as well as several other reviewers out there, to sit tight, and please, shut up about your already apparent dislike of the gay jokes. If they are enough to make you want to leave, then by all means, take your leave. I'm sure we all dislike that one nut who keeps shouting at the screen in the middle of the movie, half of a refund will be waiting for you at the counter.

"Getting back to the subject in question, also known as, this review, mister Clepto..." Yoshimo held up the piece of paper, signifying that this, indeed, was the review in question. "For starters, you don't have to explain to me what you meant by the word _gay_. I immediately link the word with the term _homosexuality_, not _cheerful or lighthearted behavior_, as was its original definition, or _stupid or dirt_, like many teenagers and, apparently, children aged 10 and up in North America seem to do.

"Now, if you're complaining about the whole fact of Legault being a homosexual in this production in general, I shall agree with you on your point that it is _my_ take on the story. If I believe a character were to act a certain way, or prefer certain things and people over others, than it is expressed in the script." Yoshimo thumbed towards the right, a smirk on his face. "Lyn and Florina? Total lesbians."

Yoshimo squirmed in his chair, shifting into a more executive position. "Now, if your complaint was more towards Legault's oddly feminine for him behavior in the last episode, I assure you, that's about as girly as he's going to get. Asides from casual flirting, of course."

Legault suddenly appeared from the left side of the screen, holding up a pink dress with white frills. "Why do you want me to wear this in Scene 9?" he asked simply.

Yoshimo furrowed his brow, and crumbled the paper he was holding. "This is not a good time, Legault..."

"Right, I'll just pop off and ask you again in a few minutes, shall I?"

"Yeah, you go do that, I've got a few more things to take care of here."

With that, Legault turned, and left. Yoshimo sighed, and smoothed out his papers, trying to return to his _no-fooling_ attitude and posture. "Right then, asides from that, Legault will act as respectable as any non-stereotypical homosexual man would. There's no need for hostilities and threats of...hold on..."

Yoshimo looked over the last part of the review, and the date on the envelope, before looking over his shoulder towards the left end of the hall. "Hey! Weren't we supposed to get a shipment of _vorpal bunnies_ or something?" he shouted down to the opposite end.

"Well, as you know, all deliveries first go through Dorcas, Bartre and Lowen!" Marcus shouted back.

* * *

Dorcas patted his stomach, and sighed content. Bartre cleaned the small spaces between his teeth with a toothpick, before he belched. Lowen was busy putting away the dishes, before they would return to their work of sorting through packages and letters.

"Excellent hasenpfeffer, Lowen" Dorcas complimented, looking over at the practically eyeless chef.

"Yes, great hosen...hessen...great rabbit stew, Lowen" Bartre chimed.

Lowen smiled, and set the dishes down, before taking a bow to the two burly actors. "Thank you, thank you, it's a gift."

* * *

"Anyway, getting back to the actual story here..." the narrator said in a huff as he got back into his seat. "Ahem..."

Eliwood travels westward to meet Uther, the marquess of Ostia. They pass through Laus and continue on through two more territories, picking up various knick-knacks, utensils and hats.

"So I like hats" Lyn shrugged, adjusting her fedora.

After a time, they arrive a fortress separating Thria and Ostia.

"Are you quite done, Bartre?" Cecil called out into the bathroom.

"In a minute!" Bartre shouted from inside. "Man, I shouldn't have had that seventh cup of coffee. It goes right through you after the fourth..."

Cecil sighed, and looked back at the party. "Alright, who ELSE needs to go to the bathroom while we're here?" he asked.

Almost every hand in the group was raised. "...Well, I guess we're staying here for a while..." the tactician sighed. "What with the fact that this place has only one bathroom for each gender..."

"Isn't there another way?" Sain asked, hopping from foot to foot.

"Well, unless you want to take your business outside in the bush..." Cecil shrugged.

"No, no, I'm good" the green paladin stopped himself.

"Now then, to go through this in an organized, less hectic manner, we'll do this in alphabetical order. And since Bartre is currently in the men's room, that means the next one in is Canas, followed by..."

"You know, those flowers outside look like they could use some watering..." Sain observed, rushing outside.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the mountains of Bern, a gathering of evil was about to begin.

"We're not evil" explained a sword master with rugged, dull blonde hair, whilst stroking the tiny tuft on his chin. "We're just anti-heroes in a way."

Okay...a gathering of anti-hero goodness was about to begin--oh, it just doesn't make sense that way...

The cruel seductress Sonia had her arm wrapped around that of the large commander of the Black Fang, Brendan Reed. Four powerful looking warriors of different disciplines stood before them. One was the enigmatic assassin, Jaffar, daggers hidden under his long cloak.

The next was a young woman with short, blue hair, and soft, purple eyes. She wore a long, purple battle dress, and spiked purple boots. She accessorized herself with long, dark purple gloves, and golden earrings. Her name was Ursula, a mounted magic wielder, normally known as Valkyrie, for whatever weird reason.

Two men stood next to each other, the first being the blonde sword master. He wore a long, black trench coat, with a green and tan get up underneath the coat. He carried a sheath, housing a curved sword, potentially lethal. The man who stood next to him had short, rust-red hair, smoothed and greased. He also wore a trench coat, navy blue in colour, although underneath, he wore no shirt, and wore simple, tattered pants. On his back was a thick sheath, his trusty sword inside. They were the infamous Reed Brothers, Lloyd and Linus, masters of the battle field.

Sonia made a quick, whispered count to herself, before nodding. "That's everyone, is it? Very good. If I have you, the Four Fangs, together, I have need for no one else." She cleared her throat, and smiled. "I have an assignment for you: You are to eliminate a young Lord Eliwood of Pherae."

Jaffar folded his arms over his chest, and leaned against a nearby support beam. "Hmm..." he sighed to himself. Obviously, the name was not unfamiliar to him.

Ursula rubbed her chin. "Pherae is a fraction of Lycia, if I'm not mistaken" she observed.

"Indeed, my student" Sonia said with a nod. "But he is no simple country lord. He has friends in high places, other Lords of Lycia. Individually, you could crush them with ease. But...carelessness breeds disaster."

Ursula gave a low chuckle, before she moved her hand up to her hair, twirling a finger in the blue topping of her head. "We do not make that mistake, my lady..." she assured cooly.

Sonia smirked, and nodded, before turning her attention towards the two sword wielders. "Linus, Lloyd...the Brothers Reed, I have need of you as well. Alright?"

"Just one question..." Lloyd, the swords master with the facial hair, asked. "Are these our father's...are these the orders of the leader of the Black Fang?"

Sonia chuckled into her hand. "Why, of course it is" she assured, before nuzzling the big warrior's cheek with her own. "Isn't that right, hunny?"

"Mm...yes it is.." Brendan agreed, a slight smile on his lips, enjoying his wife's attention.

Sonia instantly broke away, returning attention to her two "sons". "There. Happy? Now get out there and do what you do best to that insufferable noble!"

Lloyd blinked, and scratched the back of his head. "You mean...knit the poor fool a sweater?" he asked.

"Or...hauk a loogie at him from seven yards?" Linus added, scratching his chin in puzzlement.

Sonia just stared at the two, before running her hand down her face. "Yes, if, by _knit_ you mean _knit the poor fool's entrails into a sweater_, and by _hauk a loogie_ you mean _rain hot, burning death from seventy yards_" she said with a slight groan. "I MEAN I WANT YOU TO KILL HIM, YOU DIPS!" she then screamed.

"Oh...well..." Lloyd muttered to himself, looking to the side.

Sonia smirked, and played her trump card. "Or does this foe frighten you into immobility, Lloyd?" she pressed on.

Linus growled, and stepped forward, hand grabbing for his sword. "How dare you speak to my brother in such a--" he shouted.

Lloyd held his arm up to the side, blocking Linus's advancement. The bigger brother growled, before he released his grip, and sighed in defeat, nodding for his more calm and collected brother to continue. "Sonia..." Lloyd started with a glare, "we do not need to be taunted by you. By my brother's hand and mine, and under order of our father, we have executed the Fang's law countless times."

He drew his sword, and held it in front of his face, sharp end facing Sonia. "If this Eliwood is evil, than there is no reason for us to hesitate."

Sonia kept her cold smirk, before she turned towards the other two members of the Four Fangs. "Jaffar! Ursula! You understand your orders, do you not?" she barked. "Once you find the target, eliminate him at once!"

Ursula nodded, and gave a low, almost dramatic and obviously phoney, bow. "It will be as you say, Mistress Sonia. Anything for you."

Jaffar kept leaning against the support beam, giving Sonia but a side glance. "I have received my orders..." he answered solemnly. "I shall perform my duty."

Sonia's smirk widened, before she thrust her arm forward. "Your target is Lord Eliwood of Pherae! Bring him down, on the Black Fang's honour!"

"We got it, we got it..." Linus and Lloyd groaned, rolling their eyes.

* * *

Meanwhile, in an Ostian Borderline Fort, the _Eliwood Elite_ (TM) were positioned all over the castle, conversing and thinking of various things.

Cecil, Oswin and Serra were trying to have a pleasant chat, with Lowen providing tea and snacks (not just for them), although the knight and the tactician had to constantly hold Serra back whenever Erk passed by, to avoid awkward conflict. Kent and Fiora were discussing things pleasantly as though they were old friends, while, occasionally, Fiora had to bash in the face of a creeping Sain with a mace.

The three lordlings were all gathered in the throne room, as lordlings often did. Hector sighed, and sat down on the throne. "Well, I just got word from my brother. He's on his way here. We're to wait for him."

"Lord Uther is coming here?" Eliwood asked.

"So it appears. I told you this before, but Castle Ostia, even most of Ostia City, is infested with foreign spies. I assume he thinks we can converse freely here."

"But...wouldn't leaving Castle Ostia generate more attention?" Eliwood wondered out loud.

"Well, he's traveling in secret with only a few attendants. He's good at what he does, don't worry."

"How unconventional" Lyn observed, folding her arms over her chest. "Must run in the family."

Hector looked up, and over at Lyn, an unamused look on his face. "Oh, and what is THAT supposed to mean?"

Lyn smirked, and shook her head. "Nothing. I'm looking forward to meeting him."

* * *

Meanwhile, Nils and Ninian were walking through the hall to meet up with the lordlings, when Nils began to stumble. Ninian looked over to her younger brother, and blinked in concern. "Nils? Are you alright? You seem...distant, as of late."

Nils held up his hand, and smiled. "It's...it's okay...I'm just a little tired from giving you my power and then marching for days on end...if I can just...lay down...I wonder if Mister Carpet wants to be friends with Mister Face?" With that, the bard fell flat on his face, unconscious.

Ninian gasped, and let out a quick shriek. Lyn burst out of the room, shortly followed by Hector and Eliwood. The young nomad girl turned the young bard so that he was stomach up. "Nils? Nils!" she shouted.

"Open your eyes, kid! Wake up!" Hector shouted, kneeling down next to the boy.

"Everyone, just calm down!" Eliwood shouted, trying to get everyone's thoughts collected. "Panicking won't help the child one bit."

"...He's right..." Hector agreed with a nod. "Alright, let's just move this kid to the back room where we can get him a healer--"

"Don't move him" Kozo demanded, approaching the group calmly from the other end of the hall.

Hector looked over at the shaman, blinking, before getting to his feet. "What was that?" he asked, cleaning his ear with his finger.

"I said don't move him, you deaf plum" Kozo repeated himself. "He'll be fine, if you give him a good night's rest. Lately, you've been expecting the poor boy to walk for hours on end, with only short breaks for resting."

"...Alright, we'll just have a couple of people standing close by, make sure nothing weird happens" Eliwood reasoned with a nod.

"I don't think anything weird WILL happen..." Hector pointed out. "We're in a borderline fortress in the middle of no where."

"We're screwed..." Lyn sighed, shaking her head.

* * *

A gruff looking man looked up to the sky, awaiting word from his advance scout and right hand man. He brushed a bit of his spiked blonde hair, and adjusted his seat on his saddle, before a large, reptilian flyer landed near him and his horse. The blonde haired warrior smirked. "So, this is where Lordling Pherae and his friends are hiding?" he asked.

The rider of the wyvern nodded, and petted his mount, congratulating it on a job well done. He brushed a bang of his messy, green hair out of his eyes, and looked back to his commander. "Indeed they are, Commander Eubans. They don't suspect a thing."

"Excellent" Eubans said with a wide smile. "Heath, you and your units will attack from the west side of the fortress. Your mission is the make short work of his entire crew. Make no mistakes."

Heath's eyes widened, before he regained his composure. "Are you serious, Eubans? Marquess Laus abandoned us and just...up and vanished. We've no reason to further engage this group."

Eubans smirked. "We answered Marquess Laus's call, and we will honour our duty. Regardless, we--"

"Wait, I'm sorry, but, since when did we answer his call?" Heath asked, his voice dropping to a more casual tone.

Eubans blinked and scratched his head. "Eh, I think it was in...Chapter Fifteen or something. We engaged them in castle Laus. You know, _Talons of Light_?"

"I thought Chapter 15 was _Noble Girl of Caelin_. This is our first shot in the story, isn't it?" Heath continued.

"Hold on, let me check the script..." Eubans took out a large script from the inside of his armour, and flipped through a few pages. He mumbled a few things to himself, before flipping through a host of other pages. "Well, whadda you know?" he whistled, still flipping through pages. "This _is _our first appearance."

"Well, now then, you were saying, Commander?" Heath asked, trying to get back into character.

Eubans still flipped through the pages. "Huh. Would you look at that. He's not actually gay after all. Could've fooled me, I honestly thought monk boy was gonna--"

"Well I wasn't!" shouted Lucius's voice from off-set.

"Yes, that's quite interesting information, but, what about the--" Heath tried to steer the scene back on track.

"Wow!" Eubans continued. "He's seriously gonna end up with HER? Ha, wouldn't have seen that coming. He always seemed too--"

"EUBANS!" Heath shouted at the top of his lungs. "Can we get back to OUR part in the script?"

"Hmm? Oh, right, right..." Eubans agreed with a few nods, before flipping back to his usual spot. He mumbled a few lines, and nodded. "Heath, you and your unit will attack from the--"

"Sir, we already did that line" Heath explained. "You want the one that starts with the word _Regardless_."

"Regardless...regardless..." Eubans muttered, looking for his spot. "Ah, here it is. Regardless, we cannot stay in Lycia much longer. We rebelled against Ostia, and our entire mercenary squad is being hunted...if we bring them their heads, we might have a shot at joining the Black Fang in Bern."

"I'm not so comfortable with this plan..." Heath admitted. "There are women and children inside that castle. What you ask me to do is something no knight...no man, even, could do without shame."

Eubans shook his head. "Listen well, green-boy. You're a wanted man. A fugitive from Bern." The blonde haired captain smirked menacingly. "What if we were to just take you and hand you over to Bern's wyvern riders? We might even be knighted, given honest work."

Heath tensed, and looked off to the side, down trodden.

"That's what I thought. Everyone wants to protect his own skin..." Eubans muttered to himself triumphantly, before he shouted again. "Gather your unit, we strike at once!"

* * *

Lowen bowled through the door, racing down the hallway to find Lord Eliwood and the other nobles. Spotting them around the corner, he skidded as he turned, before rushing down to meet them head on. "Lord Eliwood! Lord Eliwood! We got trouble!" he shouted.

"Wait, wait, don't tell me..." Hector interjected. "You ruined your...oh..._Roasted Pork Tenderloin with Potatoes baked in Bay Leaves_?"

"Are you kidding? Not only is that not the case, AND the fact that I wasn't even making Roasted Pork Tenderloin with Potatoes baked in Bay Leaves tonight, but I never, I repeat, NEVER screw up on that recipe."

"Then let me guess," Lyn insisted, arms folded across her chest. "We've got bad guys pounding out our gates demanding our heads."

"More or less, YES!" Lowen shouted, flailing his arms.

"Why does this stuff ALWAYS happen when we don't have time to deal with it?" Lyn groaned, running a hand down her face.

"Then I guess it's time for an emergency meeting" Kozo pointed out. "All of you, run off and find everyone, and bring them here. I've got some pre-battle predictions to make."

As the three nobles and Lowen all spread out to find everyone, Kozo whisked his way into the throne room, where the old, old, really old fortune teller was mumbling a prediction to Sain.

"So, she's the person I'll end up with?" Sain asked, looking into her crystal ball.

"Well, yes, but do know that she shamelessly flirts with every attractive man she sees. She's a total flirt. A harlot. A flesh toy, even."

"But damn is she sexy looking!"

"...Who am I kidding? This is a match-made in heaven."

"Hey, green boy, outta the way, I need to speak with the creepy lady now..." Kozo pointed out, before pushing Sain aside. "Although I think I can fit _you_ into my schedule at around 7:23..."

"I'll pass, thank you..." Sain grumbled, before he walked off.

"Alright, Hannah, I need some of that voodoo that you do." He placed a gold coin on the table, and pushed it towards the old fortune teller. "You can do the whole coin slot thing later..."

Hannah nodded, and started weaving mystic patterns above her crystal ball. "Hmm..." the augury hemmed, as the image of a large force charging through the castle appeared within the mystic sphere. "I sense a large force against you...but you must not disturb the fallen. Light Runes and Mines will be of assistance, if any are in your possession."

The image changed, focusing on one of the force: A wyvern rider, with spiked green hair, a white streak going through it. "I sense a warrior different from the rest...a knight with honour in his heart...which can be swayed if perhaps one of your leaders spoke to him..."

Kozo stared intently into the crystal ball, a wide grin on his face. "Ya don't say..." he asked, before he shook his head. "Thank you, Hannah, that actually looked like a prediction you would make. You're getting better, I'm forced to admit..."

"Oh, why thank you, dearie. It's always so nice to get a--dearie?"

Hannah looked around. Kozo was already making his way for the door. "...I should've guessed..."

* * *

"So, is this everyone?" Kozo asked, looking over his forces. "Well enough. For this to work, I want you to split into various teams, and block every nook and cranny that you can think of that would involve those mercenaries. Don't let any mage, healer or archer go in without a physical fighter near them as a meat shield."

The shaman looked over at Eliwood, Hector, and Lyn. "Eliwood, you take the south part of the main hall. Hector, the north. Lyn, the East. I'll be taking the West Side. If you see a--"

"Wait a minute, wait a minute!" Cecil interjected. "Why did you just include yourself in that part of the plan?"

"One: Because you, Oswin and Serra are a separate team of your own. Two: I'm taking part in this battle."

"But...but that's not fair! You're the tactician!"

"From now on, I'm the active tactician."

"I should've given up long ago ever trying to understand you..." Cecil sighed.

"Anyway, if you see a green haired wyvern rider with a white streak in his hair, do everything possible to recruit him. And for the love of all that is natural and un-natural, don't let ANYTHING happen to Nils before he wakes up!"

With a group nod, the individual teams split up, to cover ever position of the castle they could think of.

* * *

Serra gulped, and backed up a few paces, bumping into Cecil's back. Mercenaries and other low-life fighters had their weapons ready, and were standing right there in the halls and doorways. "We seem to be surrounded..." she said nervously over her shoulder.

She suddenly blinked her eyes shut, and shook her head, clearing it of that thought. "B..but I'm not afraid. And neither should you. You've got me here and...well...I've got you." She smirked. "Remember back on the Dread Isle?"

Cecil smiled, and nodded, also peering over his shoulder at Serra. "We make a good team, Serra. Why don't we demonstrate our teamwork on these creeps?"

"Right. Oswin, you ready?"

The heavily armoured knight responded only with a nod, before he slipped his helmet over his head, and held up his lance.

Cecil bowed his head, and then smirked. "Hey, Serra, think it's possible for you to charge my weapon with some of that Light Magic?"

"First time for everything" the bishop responded, placing her hand around the shaft of the lance. "Lightning!"

Instantly, Cecil's Silver Lance began to glow with a bright light, before he looked towards one of the groups of mercenaries. "Watch this..." he shouted with a sure tone of voice, before charging at them. As they charged in response, Cecil came to a grinding halt in mid run, before stabbing his lance into the ground.

A shockwave tore through the ground, glowing a brilliant white, as though the attack had charged up Serra's magic even further. The ground based lance of light tore through the ranks, sending mercenaries this way and that.

Oswin grunted, and lifted his foot up, knocking a mercenary down, before he turned and stabbed his lance into one coming at his left flank. "A little help here?" he asked, as swords bounced off his armour.

"One magic girl special, coming up!" Serra cheered, charging up for another spell. "_Aura_!"

A thin beam of light energy shot out, pelting one mercenary in the chest. Its true power revealed itself, when the thin beam exploded in a flash of golden light, sending the swordsman flying.

"Hope we can keep this up" Cecil shouted over the mercenaries, as he blocked and countered several blows. "We might be the Dream Team, but I would guess these guys have a large stockpile of cannon fodder and meat shields."

Serra smirked, before firing yet another exploding light beam at the mercenaries giving Cecil some trouble. "You worry too much, you know that?"

* * *

Isadora raised her sword, and swung down, catching an axe fighter right in the face, before she gave a thrust towards the neck, silencing the fighter before he could holler.

Legault back flipped out of the way of the final axe-swinger's reach, and smirked. "A woman who can hold her own in battle..." he pointed out, before swinging in a wide arch with his shot sword. "I like that trait in people."

Isadora looked down from her horse, and figured she could press this conversation further, since the enemies had been cleared out in this area. "Are you flirting with me, good rogue?" she asked. "Because I must warn you, I would not return the feelings."

Legault turned to face Isadora, an almost insulted look on his face. "Can't a man give someone a compliment without being accused of being a pervert?" he asked, before he smirked again. "Although that little remark does raise a few questions...You wouldn't happen to be a lesbian, would you?"

Isadora shook in her saddle seat, and gaped. "What? No, I'm engaged, that's why I couldn't return your--" she shouted.

"Oooooh..." Legault interrupted with a wide grin. "And who's the lucky lady?"

"I'm engaged to a man!" Isadora continued to shout.

"Oh, so _she's_ the butch in the relationship" Legault observed. "Well, you didn't strike me as either type anyway."

"Oh, forget it all. Talking with you is giving me a headache..." Isadora groaned, before she urged her mount to continue on.

"Give the Missus my regards!" Legault bid farewell with a wide grin and a wave. He continued to grin, until he was certain Isadora was out of ear shot. He folded his arms, and shook his head. "Hphm. Women. So defensive of their sexuality that they can't take a joke."

With that, the thief left to check up on the other member of his squadron. "Are you alright, darling?"

"Yeah, but...Leggy, look" Kozo insisted, pointing towards someone who was approaching from the other end of the hall.

Legault turned, before he gulped, since a large wyvern was coming right at them, an oddly familiar looking man mounted on top. "In the name of Eubans's mercenaries..." the rider called out. "I shall--"

"Wait, NOW I remember where I've seen you before!" Kozo pointed out, stopping the rider in his tracks. He approached, taking out a magazine from his robes, and flipping to a certain page. "You're...this guy, aren't you?" the shaman asked, pointing towards one of the photos.

The rider looked over the picture, and flushed. "Ah...they weren't supposed to print THAT one!"

Legault beamed widely, and approached the wyvern rider. "Oh, so you're _Proud and Green in Bern_!" He clasped the man's hand in his own, and started shaking it vigorously. "Hi. Legault. I'm your biggest fan."

"I..I'm sure you are..." the wyvern rider stuttered. "And...please, call me Heath."

"Well then, Heath..." Kozo pointed out, taking a step forward. "If you didn't want pictures like that printed into magazines, why did you take the job as a male model in the first place?"

Heath pressed his index fingers together, and bowed his head. "I was young and I needed the money..." he groaned timidly.

Legault grinned. "Do you still need the money?" he asked.

"Ah, no, no, I'm good..." Heath stuttered, inching slightly away from Legault.

"Actually, Leggy might be on to something..." Kozo observed.

"Stop calling me that."

"You see, Heath, Leggy and I represent the _Eliwood Elite_, and we would like YOU to be an addition to our merry band of miscreants."

Heath looked between the two, and raised an eyebrow. "Is everyone in this _Elite_ like you?" he asked.

"No, we're unique" Kozo pointed out. "Everyone else is just happy for the most part."

"What about that Lucius fellow? Didn't he once--" Legault started.

"Not a homosexual!" Lucius shouted from off screen.

"I'm honoured that you'd like me to join you, but I'm afraid I must decline..." Heath informed with a bow. "I'm doing fine in the mercenary business already."

"WHOO-PA!" Serra shouted from off camera, accompanied by a loud, kicking noise. Seconds later, a mercenary came flying in, crashing against the wall.

"Guess I owe you a buck" Cecil shrugged from off screen.

"Yeah, I can see how the business is doing for you..." Kozo pointed out sarcastically.

"Jerry!" Heath gaped, looking down at his battered companion. He gave a defeated sigh, before looking up. "Alright, I'll join you. Just let me speak with this _Eliwood_ fellow. Since his name is in the team moniker, I assume he is of some importance?"

"Mm, some, yes" Kozo said with a shrug.

Legault leaned against Heath's back, and smiled. "Well, _I_ for one will feel much safer having a strong and handsome warrior on our side, and--"

Legault would've went on, but Heath decided to move out, causing Legault to lose balance, and fall on his back. He looked up at Heath, and shook his head. "Men. So defensive of their own sexuality that they can't take a compliment."

"See, now that's what _I've_ been saying..." Kozo pointed out.

* * *

Now because the previous scene was getting kinda creepy, we shall now take you to the return of an oddly forgettable unforgettable character.

"Lord Hector!" a small soldier shouted, rushing in from the back of the castle. "Have no fear, we've brought in a small band of mercenaries of our own to help with our defense. Their leader is a nomad of Sacae!"

A shaggy looking horse trotted next to the soldier's side, and snorted a bit. Its rider took out his bow, and notched with an arrow. The green armoured lance man looked up at the nomad. "Rath, your task is to do whatever it takes to protect Lord Eliwood, Lord Hector, and Lady Lyndis. You got that?"

Rath nodded his head silently, as the soldier rushed off to help with the defenses. "Lyndis..." Rath muttered, before he turned to face the mercenaries he brought. They weren't many. A small swordsman and a young cavalier. "Let's go" he ordered flatly.

All three of them proceeded to move towards the battle, where, currently, Lyn and Florina were subduing the last of the mercenaries in the east wing. "You know, for a group of savage warriors" Lyn observed, "they sure die easily."

Florina nodded in agreement, before she smacked a mercenary in the forehead with the butt of her lance. She then turned to face a new foe: a smaller mercenary than the ones before, but still an invader. She let out a shout, raising her lance up for an attack.

"Oh god, don't kill me!" the small mercenary yelped, dropping his sword, and raising both arms in the air.

"Hold your attack!" Rath demanded over the shouting. Florina froze in mid swing, a cute, dazed look on her face. The small mercenary still kept his pose, before falling over to his side with a "clunk", as though he were a hollow statue.

The nomad rider and the young cavalier both rode to meet with the noble girl and her knight. "You were about to kill your reinforcements by mistake" Rath informed, getting off his horse, and walking closer towards the two.

"Rath!" Lyn greeted with a wide grin. "My god, it's so good to see you again! But...what are you doing here?"

Rath nudged towards the cavalier, who was busy trying to revive his unconscious companion. "I made my living as a mercenary after we parted company."

Lyn let out a little "heh", folding her arms behind her back. "You haven't changed a bit" she observed. She tilted her head downwards, a dopey smile on her face. "It's...good to see you again."

Rath let lose a rare smile, before returning to his stoic expression. "Do you need my help?" he asked.

Lyn unfolded her arms, and looked up at Rath. "You offering?" she asked, just to make sure.

Rath bowed, and looked up. "Yes...if you so desire."

"Well then, get up on your horse, and start shooting!" Lyn encouraged. "We'll need all the help we can get. Seems we've been pulled into something really, REALLY big this time."

"I see" Rath observed, before standing up, and mounting his horse. "Then together we ride." With that, he rode back towards the castle interior. Lyn smiled, and followed after him, along with his two mercenary cronies.

Florina put on a pouting face, and huffed. "That...jerk!" she growled. She sighed in defeat, and slowly flew after Lyn.

* * *

By the time that Lyn and Kozo's squads rejoined the main force, and Heath worked out his contract with Eliwood, almost every enemy was already gone.

Eliwood signed his own name on the dotted line, and smiled. "There, this should cover just about everything" he observed, handing the legal document towards the wyvern rider.

Heath nodded, and took his contract. "By the way..." he asked, before looking over his shoulder, towards Legault whom was clinging tightly to his waist. "Do you do restraining orders?"

"He does, but they never work" Fiora pointed out, holding up her own, while Sain was clinging affectionately to her leg.

"No matter" Cecil pointed out, walking towards the group, Oswin and Serra by his side. "We checked the castle. Looks like there's only one guy left, and he's by the castle gates. A paladin by the name of...Erbens, wasn't it?"

"I think it was Eywins..." Serra pointed out, pondering.

"I do believe his name was Eubans..." Oswin pointed out matter-o-factualy.

"Eubans..." Heath muttered, before his wyvern began to hover above the ground, and shoot towards the entrance. "I'll handle this personally!" he shouted.

"Oh, it WAS Eubans..." Cecil nodded.

"Learn something new every day" Serra shrugged.

* * *

Eubans looked up from his mount, just in time to notice Heath bursting out the castle entrance, lance drawn. Immediately, Eubans figured out what was happening. He sighed, and shook his head. "Unbelievable..." he muttered, before looking up at Heath. "You're a traitor, Heath." He swung his spear forward in a threatening manner. "You know NOTHING of honour!"

Heath bowed his head, before shaking it. "No. I simply must live a life of which I am not ashamed." Heath looked up towards his former commander, and sighed. "Commander Eubans, it is not too late. Give the order to stop. If you do, then..."

Eubans laughed deeply. "Ha! So naive. You're no knight. You're not even a proper mercenary. You know nothing! You can carry your precious morals straight to the grave!"

With that, Eubans charged forward, spear held forward menacingly. Heath was ready for this, and flew upwards, out of reach of the spear.

Of course, the paladin was expecting this. His horse reered a bit, as he quickly tossed the spear skywards, hoping to pierce through the wyvern's body. Heath countered this by veering to the left, and slapping the spear out of the sky.

The commander's weapon embedded itself into the ground with a dull "thunk". Eubans made a rush to retrieve it, but was caught by a diving Heath, who had his own lance deep into Eubans' chest in an instant.

Eubans choked, and shook a bit, before regaining his composure, and smiling. "Heheh...I've no regrets..." he muttered. "My life...and my death..." He finished with a powerful shout into the air. "Are my own!" With that cry, Eubans used the last of his strength to yank the lance out of Heath's hands. The dying paladin fell off his horse, hitting the ground hard. And there he lay, with a permanent death grip on the lance.

"Eubans..." Heath sighed. His wyvern landed, allowing its rider to dismount, and collect Eubans's spear. It would serve Heath better than the dirt, to be sure.

* * *

Later that day, a small company marched towards the gates, and demanded entrance. Hector left to meet them personally, and grinned at the sight of them.

The man at the front was in no way unfamiliar to the Ostian noble. This general was garbbed in a dark green suit of armour, with a long, regal, purple cape. He took off his helmet, tucking it under his arm, and revealing long, blue hair, and a tired, experienced face, with a deep scar across his nose.

"Well met, bro" Hector nodded, holding his hand forward.

The general smiled, and took Hector's hand, pumping it up and down. "So, you're alive after all, little brother..." he observed, before letting go. "You were gone for so long, we feared you were dead." He dug into his pocket, and pulled out a check book. "I guess I don't need to pay for the services of those organ players or the flower shop."

Hector rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, sorry about that. We've been a little busy."

The general sighed, and shook his head defeated, as Eliwood and Lyn approached. "Yes...Leila's final report covered much." He looked up towards Eliwood, and bowed his head. "Eliwood, I am sorry about the loss of your father. I was powerless to help."

Eliwood shook his head, and waved his hand in a dismissive fashion. "No, Lord Uther. Nothing could have been done." He looked the noble of Ostia in the eye. "More importantly, do you know anything of Nergal?"

Uther dropped his helmet, and folded his arms over his chest. "Only what has been reported to me" he admitted. "He appeared about a year ago, and seized control of the Black Fang. Then he ensnared Laus in a plot of rebellion against Ostia. I can't see what he's after, though..."

Lyn stepped forward, and answered. "The dragons, you know, the kind that vanished during the Scouring...Nergal's got a wacko plot to bring them back."

Uther's eyes snapped towards Lyn, and sputtered. "What? Is this even possible!"

"Indeed it is" Eliwood assured. "Allow me to explain..."

* * *

After a long explanation, the lordlings had returned to the main hall of the fort, Cecil, Kozo and Ninian all standing by. Hector bowed his head, and shook it. "Man, this is REALLY serious. Even my brother's brooding, and he's been the one with the quick thinking in the family..." he lamented.

"This snowballed from a rebellion to the threat of human kind as we know it..." Lyn observed. "I should've stayed in bed the day I found Cecil..."

"Typical: Things go to hell, blame the tactician who DOESN'T threaten you daily" Cecil sighed, rolling his eyes.

"And yet we saw it with our own eyes..." Eliwood pointed out, the memory of the dragon charging out of the Dragon's Gate still fresh in his mind. "It's all so unbelievable, and yet, it's all true."

Hector sighed, and rested his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands. "So, now what? I would think that getting everyone banded together as one large army of Elibe would give us the strength to fight off the dragons if and when they come back, but--"

"But the odds of people believing us are equal to Sain actually getting a girl" Lyn pointed out. "Unless they see a dragon, they're just going to think we're plain nuts. There'd be even less hope for Caelin: I once offered the idea to the council that a woman could fall in love with another woman, and they laughed me out of the room."

Eliwood and Hector looked up at Lyn, eyebrows raised. Lyn looked back between them, and shrugged. "What? It was a legitimate argument."

"In any case" Cecil continued, since Eliwood and Hector were somewhat stunned, and Kozo was bitting his lower lip to keep from snickering too loudly, "it looks like we might be the only ones who can stop this, so...we're just going to have to think up a damn good plan."

"And knowing my brother, he'll probably have one" Hector assured. "Or at least give us some idea as to what to do next."

At those words, the doors suddenly flew open, as Uther stepped in, a grim look on his face. He approached the group, and bowed his head, sighing. "I would sooner not put this great burden on your shoulders, but...I see no other choice." He looked up, between Eliwood and Lyn. "Lord Eliwood of Pherae...Lady Lyndis of Caelin...are you two determined to act on your resolve?"

Eliwood put a hand to his heart, and bowed. "Indeed I am, Lord Uther of Ostia" he assured.

Lyn folded her arms across her chest. "Do you want an honest answer or a _fancy-shamncy_ type of answer?"

"Honest, please..." Uther requested, although nervous as to what it might be.

"You bet your gold plated britches, blue boy" she assured with a snap of her fingers.

Uther couldn't help but crack a smirk, as Hector slapped his face in his palm. The lord of Ostia looked towards the two tacticians. "And you two? You are both very young, but extremely talented for those of your profession. Will you continue to aid them?"

Cecil smiled, and nodded. "Of course, milord Uther" he assured. "I've made some good friends among their party. There's no way I'm going to let them get themselves killed."

Kozo smirked, and folded his arms across his chest. "I suppose I should tag along. Where blue-boy goes, so does Matthew. And where Matthew goes, so does Guy. And where Little-Miss-Temper Tantrum goes, so does Sain. There are too many cute guys in this party to pass up on."

"I see..." Uther observed, nodding slowly. "Nothing more needs to be said." He looked directly at Kozo. "Seriously, don't continue..." The lord of Ostia looked back towards the other nobles. "And what of the girl? The one we spoke of earlier?"

"Ah, Ninian..." Eliwood observed, stepping aside, revealing Ninian hiding behind him.

The dancer held her hands to her mouth. "P...p...pleasure to meet you..." she stuttered.

"What, is Ninian afraid of men, too?" Cecil joked.

"Nah, she's just nervous around people of authority" Kozo explained. "Why else would she back down whenever Eliwood gives her a glance?"

"I could think of an alternate answer" Cecil pointed out.

"So can I, but I'd rather not think about it..." Kozo groaned. "It makes me shudder to think about it."

"Both her, and her brother, Nils, possess a special power" Lyn explained.

"Is that so..." Uther pondered, rubbing his chin. "Then, tell me, if you can: do you know where Nergal is at this moment?"

Ninian closed her eyes, and thought for a bit, before she nodded. "I can sense him. He is too the east." She closed her eyes, and bit her bottom lip. "Quite...far to the east..." she continued.

"East...far to the east..." Lyn muttered. She looked up from her contemplative stance, and voiced the location. "He's targeting Bern, next."

"What?" Cecil snapped. "That's fighting dirty! Not only is that the most powerful military country in all of Elibe, but that's also my home!" He started stamping his foot. "If he so much as messes up ONE thing in my home town, I don't care if he IS a Level 20 Druid or Dark Wizard or whatever, I'm fishing his heart out with my lance!"

Ninian opened her eyes again. "There's still time, though..." she assured. "He is still very weak...if we're going to act, it should be now.

Lyn folded her arms over her chest again, and started pondering. "But...even with this advantage, what are we supposed to do?"

"We've got no choice" Hector sighed, getting up from his seat. "We depart for Bern at first li--"

"If you have time, I suggest you make your destination the city of Missur" Uther interrupted.

"M...Missur?" Hector stumbled. "But that's the polar opposite direction!"

"Go to the Nabata Desert. You will most definitely find aid there" Uther explained.

"Why Nabata? Who there could possibly help us?" Eliwood asked.

"The living legend..." Kozo muttered.

"Hmm? What was that, Kozo?" Eliwood asked.

"Your homosexual shaman is correct" Uther explained. "Go, and meet the Living Legend."

"Can't you give us a name to go on?" Hector asked, as everyone started to leave the room.

"If you need a name to know the identity of the Living Legend" Kozo pointed, "you're a bigger dunce than I thought possible."

Hector was about to shout at Kozo, before he heard coughing. He looked back into the room, and saw his brother hunched over, coughing louder and louder into his fist, before he was flat out hacking.

Uther caught his brother's gaze in between coughs, and nodded when he was done. "I'm okay..." he assured.

Hector curled his lower lip into his mouth, before he turned and left. "It'd take a complete idiot to believe that..." he sighed.

* * *

Yoshimo sighed, and approached one of the wheels. "Okay, so maybe hiring Peppita to do this was a bad idea..." he observed.

"All I did was type an advertisement!" Peppita Rosetti protested.

"I just hope the new guys are better..." he continued, before grabbing the wheel of Morality, and pulling. As the wheel spun rapidly, Yoshimo sang his little song. "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn."

The wheel slowed down, and came to a stop. "Moral number 4." The moral began to print out. "And the moral of today's story is..." Yoshimo started, before ripping the paper out of the machine. He read it over once, and groaned. "Stay tuned for the return of Roland Pegasus, in the completely redone return of _Rise of a Champion_. As well, watch for the return of Archibald and Swordsman, in the upcoming movie _Rockman EXE5: Team of Swordsman_...I cannot believe this..."

_Meanwhile..._

Archibald cracked his knuckles, and leaned back in his chair. Roland looked up from his chair behind his partner, and smirked. "Now he'll HAVE to bring us back" he pointed out. "Otherwise, he'll look like a complete dork on live televison."

Archibald smirked back, and pondered briefly. "But weren't you already in a production already? You had an important role."

"Oh, sure, he offered me the chance to play Cecil in this Fire Emblem Parody..." Roland explained, "but I quit after the end of the Lyn storyline, and the job was given to someone else."

"Who exactly?"

"Eh, some shmoe named _Cecil_ something-or-other."

"There really is a Cecil who works here?"

"Yeah, who knew?"

_And back with our peevish director..._

"Okay, that's it, from here on, I am going back to typing these morals _myself_! If I hire anyone else, I might be advertising for the Baldur's Gate series, or the Baten Kaitos spoof, or even that Gamer Real thing, and that's not even MY work! It's Winny's!"

Winny sighed, and held up the moral he worked on. "Well, so much for that plan" he sighed, tearing the paper in half.

Chibi-Zell put a hand on Winny's shoulder, and nodded. "We tried our best, but we'll get him someday" he assured. "Come on, let's go get Yoshimo and Minoa, and got get a pizza, Yoshimo's treat."

"I HEARD THAT!"


	37. Chapter TwentyTwo: The Living Legend

**Fire Emblem 7, the Parody  
Chapter 22: The Living Legend**

Yoshimo leaned against the wall near the entrance to the stuido, reading a pair of letters. "Hmm...well, that was rather awkward. But at least we've got things settled for the moment." The director read over the last part of the second letter, and raised his eyebrow. "Favorite teddy bear, though? I'm a grown man, why would they think that I have a teddy bear?"

"Hey, director man!" Chibi-Zell shouted, tossing a stuffed bear at Yoshimo. "Your bear just came back from the wash."

Yoshimo sighed, and rolled his eyes. "You were supposed to give that back AFTER the show had started. But still, thank you. Now just get to the film, alright?"

* * *

The Nabata Desert. A wasteland of scourching suns and frigid nights. It rejects human life. Any careless enough to enter are doomed to wander in this uncharted wasteland forever. However, Lord Uther, the marquess of Ostia, spoke of a living legend in these sands. Guided by these words, Eliwood and company head straight into the desert.

Matthew looked up from his booth, set up at this, their final campsite before they entered the desert itself. "Place your bets, people!" he insisted. "30 to 1 odds for the fact that Lord Uther is sending us here to die!"

"Isn't this bet pointless, though?" Guy asked, leaning against the side of the booth. "If we do, indeed, die here, those who placed their bets on that fact would never get it. And if we survive, the losers would be cheated out of their money. Either way..."

"It's a beautiful little thing we call _irony_, Guy" Matthew informed. "Like my pulling out the contract on you to personify your undying dedication to your duty, even though you regretted getting into it in the first place. I suggest you try it sometime."

"You know, I still haven't forgiven you for that yet..." Guy mumbled.

* * *

Nils let out a low groan, as he trudged through the endless sea of sand. "It's so hot..." he whimpered. "I'm gonna die..."

"Want me to carry you on my back, kid?" Hector offered, approaching the young bard.

Nils blinked, and looked up at Hector, giving him an odd look.

Hector curled his lips, and raised an eyebrow. "What? Something weird about me trying to give you a hand?" he asked.

"Such unexpected politeness. It took me by surprise." Nils tilted his head, pondering. "Is this a fevor dream or something?"

"What's that supposed to mean!" Hector barked, still holding out a helping hand. "I'm just concerned that you're going to fall on your face again like a few days ago!"

"Well, you're usually so brusque about things, so no wonder the little guy's all confused" Lyn explained. She looked down at the kid. "Don't be shy, kid, let him help you. I know I would smack him for trying to lift me on his shoulders, but you, you should be fine."

"But...but..." Nils stuttered.

"Do as your told, boy!" Hector ordered, before plucking Nils off of the ground, and placing him on top of his shoulders, a firm grip on his legs.

Nils wobbled on his new seat, and started flailing his arms. "Waaah! I'm gonna fall! I'm gonna fall! I am going to die!"

Hector cracked a smirk, and snickered. Lyn, as well, couldn't help but laugh at the young lad's antics.

A little ways ahead, Ninian peeked over the sandy dunes, trying to get some idea as to what they were looking for in the first place. "Marquess Ostia told us to come to the west and meet with someone, but...we haven't seen a soul out here..." she observed.

Eliwood, walking alongside the dancer, shrugged his shoulders. "Well, we've only been out here for...mm...about an hour. Maybe he's a little further?" he suggested.

"Perhaps..." Ninian nodded. As she took her next few steps, she stumbled a bit, nearly losing her balance.

The flame haired noble quickly got to Ninian's side, and helped her up. "Come on, up we get..." As the girl regained her footing, Eliwood wraped her arm around his. "The heat's probably taking a toll on you. Allow me to act as a bit of a support."

Ninian looked up at Eliwood, and shook her head, waving her free hand a bit. "No, no, it's okay...I...I'm fine..." she insisted.

Eliwood looked over his shoulder, and then back to Ninian. "Since the majority of the party is on the verge of passing out, I'd assume otherwise. Especially considering a few of them have a much higher constitution than you..." he pointed out.

Ninian took a look for herself. Hector, Lyn and Nils were just fine, but many others were being carried, or barely plodding along, even on horseback. Even the pegasi and the wyverns were worn out, and they didn't have to worry about traversing through the sand like their ground based companions.

In fact, one of the only members of the party still standing at full consciousness was Cecil, standing quite comfortably under the shade of his parasol. The tactician looked around from underneath his umbrella, and blinked. "Am I, perhaps, the only person here who took precaution?" he asked.

"Put a sock in it, green boy" Kozo snarled, trudging along next to the other tactician. "I'm in no mood for this new bout of smarminess..."

Cecil smirked, and started poking Kozo in the shoulder with the tip of his still open parasol. "Ah, did I finally one-up the angsty, sarcastic shaman-boy?" he teased.

"Druid. I found a Guiding Ring for myself when we passed by that antique shop in Ostia" Kozo explained.

Cecil immediately stopped poking Kozo, and flipped his parasol back over his own head. "You're lucky that I'm technically a Soldier class, and this isn't the Path of Radience spoof. Mark my words, if it were, I wouldn't waste any time going Halbadier on your ass! ...Now wait a minute, if you're a Druid, how come your robes haven't changed?"

"I'm keeping them from doing so."

"You're what?"

Kozo sighed, grabbed a string on his robes, and pulled. Said robes poofed out to a great extent.

Cecil tilted his head, eyes wide. "We could use you as a parachute..."

"Or an airbag!" somebody chimed in from the distance.

Kozo pulled the string again, grumbling, and his robes returned to normal. "And not another word of this, got it?"

"Case well made..." Ninian pointed out. As she and Eliwood continued along, a trace of gloominess fell on her features, and she stared at her feet, almost submerged in sand, shuffling along the ground below her.

Eliwood blinked, and nudged Ninian a bit. "Hey. Is something wrong, m'lady?" he asked.

"It's so...strange..." Ninian muttered.

Eliwood looked down at Ninian's feet, and shrugged. "It shouldn't be that weird. There's so much sand here, it could cover a short person up to their knees. That's why Sain has to carry his mount."

"Stupid...ungrateful...no good...ineffective..." Sain grumbled, as he held his steed over his head.

"Baa..." the sheep let out.

"No, no...all of you treat my brother and I so...normally." The dancer looked up to meet the lordling's face. "Doesn't it bother you? Our powers, our appearances...we're incredibly different from other people..."

Eliwood smirked a little. "Is that all that's bothering you? There's nothing wrong with being different from everyone." He thumbed towards Hector, still carrying a kicking and flailing Nils. "Do you know many people like Hector?" He then pointed to Kozo, who was still having a grumbled arguement with Cecil. "Or people like Kozo, for that matter?"

"You'd be surprised the kind of people you meet on your travels, actually" Wil pointed out, overhearing their conversation. "I think I've pretty much met everyone in this party twice during the course of my wanderings of Bern and Lycia."

Rebecca looked up at Wil, and tilted her head. "Seriously? I would've thought people like...I don't know, Sain, or Bartre, would be more noticiable."

Wil shook his head, and slapped his arms to his sides. "Am I the ONLY person who actually sits down and mingles when we take our breaks in civilized areas?" he wondered aloud. "It's amazing the people you meet on your adventures; you really should try it some time. The other day, I met this girl with deep blue hair from Ilia. She was a mercenary, and knew Fiora and Florina very well. Heck, unless I'm mistaken, I'd say she was related to them. She told me she was going on a--g...guys?"

Wil looked around. Eliwood, Ninian and Rebecca, as well as several members of the party had, by now, gone on ahead. Wil groaned, and shook his head. "No one EVER listens to the archers..." he sighed, before he trudged through the sand to keep up. "No one!"

"As I was trying to say..." Eliwood continued, before playfully stroking Ninian's chin with his index and middle fingers, "it doesn't matter if you're different. People notice you for that. I did, and I am very glad to have met you."

Ninian's face reddened a bit. "D...do you honestly mean that?" she asked shakily.

"Not a trace of a lie in that" Eliwood assured with a nod.

"Lord Eliwood..." Ninian sighed, a small smile appearing on her face. She knealt her head against his shoulder, and walked along in silence.

Kozo looked up at this sight, and growled, shaking his head. "Unbelievable..." he muttered.

Cecil looked over at Kozo, then towards Eliwood and Ninian, and then, back to Kozo. "You know, I've heard of this thing called _homophobia_, a fear of homosexuals. Hell, I've met several homophobes myself back at the Bern academy where I studided to be a tactician for the kingdom. But never would I have imagined I would see the exact opposite. I never even knew there was a thing as _heterophobia_."

"I'm not..." Kozo started, before making quotations with his fingers, "_heterophobic_, you execrable meathead...I'm just annoied that pansy-boy over there is flirting so shamelessly with that poor girl..."

"Why would you care?" Cecil asked. "I thought you didn't like girls."

"Not in the sense that you would..." the druid rolled his eyes. "I met Nils and Ninian before, and a nice kid like Ninian falling for a wuss like Eliwood...just makes me sick to think about it."

"Now, was this meeting _before_ or _after_ the kidnapping thing?"

"Would you just let that GO already?"

"Never!"

* * *

Meanwhile, deep within old, desert ruins, an old wizard sat, meditating. His long, white hear and beard streached across the floor, and would probably go to his waist (the both of them) were he standing up. His blue, wrinkled robes were worn and almost tattered, and yet still radiated a sense of youth and passion, were such a thing possible in one as old as this one.

"Hmm..." he hummed, concentrating on voices he sensed miles away. "I do believe someone approaches..."

_"Unteachable, inspid twit!"_

_"Inimical emo-bitch of a Gary Stu!"_

_BOOM!_

"Yes...someone indeed approaches...and they apparently woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning..."

"Then I take it that it is not Lord Pent you sense?" asked a young, feminine voice, as a young woman stepped towards the magician. Her glossy, blonde hair hanged around her shoulders, as she pulled the hood down of her velvety pink cloak. In her right hand, encased in a purple glove that reached her elbow, she held a bow, and strapped to her waist was a quiver of arrows.

The old wizard looked up from his musings, and shook his head. "It is a group sent by Lord Uther of Ostia" he informed. "Hawkeye will soon find them and bring them here. Your companion, however, is still searching the desert."

The archeress looked at her feet, and sighed. "He hasn't found what he was looking for yet, has he?"

"He's very close to finding it, actually" the wizard pointed out. "However, there is a group of bandits who are also on the move. They've found Pent, and are preparing for attack."

The regal looking bow-woman gasped. "Oh, that's..."

"You are concerned for his safety, Louise?"

"No, he is Lord Pent. He'll be fine. It's just..." Louise put her left hand, covered in a white glove, to her mouth. "It took me two weeks to get the smell of burning bandit fleash off of his clothes, his books will be drained of magic properties forcing me to buy him new ones, _again_, AND his dinner will get cold. I already have it in the oven, and it will be done long before he returns..."

Athos just blinked, but a wide smirk formed under his lips. A little, supressed chuckle, made its way out of his beard.

Louise then smiled, and snapped her fingers. "Oh, Lord Athos, why don't YOU have Pent's share? It'll be nice and hot, and I'm sure you must be hungry after having meditated for a good five hours."

At that, Athos started to let out a deep laugh. Louise blinked, and rubbed the back of her head. "Is...something amusing to you, Lord Athos?"

Athos wiped his eyes, and chuckled a bit more, before he continued. "Ah, it is you, Louise. You are a most amusing woman. Since Pent brought you here, I've felt like I've laughed enough for ten years."

"Um...I'm glad to have been of service..." Louise bowed slightly, "but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel somewhat insulted..." Louise brushed back a braid of blonde hair back over her back, before she continued. "By the by, those travelers...they came from Lycia, correct? I wonder what they'd be doing in the middle of the desert?"

Athos stopped laughing instantly, and his face paled slightly. Louise blinked, and stepped forward. "Lord Archsage, are you alright? Your colouring..."

Athos sighed, and shook his head. "Once it has begun to turn, none can halt the wheel of fate. But as long as there is hope, people continue to try. ...They do not yet know the despair that awaits..."

Louise blinked, and rubbed her arm, shaking her head. "Weird..."

* * *

"Mmm...ARGH!" Lyn groaned. "We've been walking out here for hours, and we haven't seen a SOUL! Where is this person Lord Uther wanted us to meet supposed to be?"

"Why don't we ask Hannah?" Cecil suggested in a tone of calm. "She could use her powers to see how long it will be until we meet this person, and who he or she is."

"Oh, that reminds me..." Hannah waddled towards Cecil, and handed him a slip of paper. The shaded tactician blinked, and opened the paper, reading it aloud.

"_I quit. Signed, Hannah._ ...whoa, I did not see that coming..." Cecil muttered afterwards. He then looked up at the fortune teller, and cracked a smirk. "I would've thought you of all people could've given us two weeks notice."

"Always have to have the last, sarcastic word, don't you, Cecil?" Hannah grumbled, before she started weaving mystic patterns through the air.

"Wait...that's a spell of teleport..." Kozo observed. "You mean an old bat like you had that sort of spell and you never used it to help us?"

"Well, what did you expect?" Hannah snapped back, still weaving the mystic lines before her. "You were dragging me to every corner of Elibe! Ostia at one moment, the Dread Isle at the next, Caelin at the next...I have to KNOW where I'm going to use this spell! And right now, I'm going home to a good cup of tea..."

With that, the old fortune teller vanished in a plip.

Kozo started stomping the sand below him. "This is EXACTLY why I can't stand old people! No constitution!" he snarled.

Ninian blinked, and looked ahead. "Wait...I don't think we'll need Hannah for that task afterall..." she pointed out.

Eliwood looked down at the dancer. "Hmm? Why would you say that?"

Ninian pointed along her line of sight. "Because I think he's standing in the middle of that group."

Eliwood followed Ninian's finger, and gaped. "Well, isn't that convenient?" he asked rethoracly.

"That's gotta be him! It must be!" Hector shouted, rushing forward, causing the bard on his shoulders to lose balance.

"WHA!" After landing with a dull thud and a up shot of sand, Nils pulled his head out from the ground, and groaned. "Why me..."

"It looks like he's being swarmed by bandits..." Eliwood observed.

Lyn took out her blade, and stepped forward as well. "Then we have to help. I can't stand one-sided battles" she pointed out.

"Lyn is absolutely right!" Cecil agreed, putting away his parasol, and taking out his lance. "Come on, crew! Let's go help those bandits!"

After a few weird looks, Cecil shrugged his shoulders. "What? That man over there is Lord Pent, the Mage General of Eturia. To assist him in fighting bandits, especially in this terrian, is redundent. He can easily handle a few bandits all by himself."

"And suck up all the experience? COME ON PEOPLE, LET'S GRAB HIM!" Kozo barked.

* * *

A rather ugly looking bandit approached his current victum. "Isn't this lovely, Jasmine?" he pointed out towards his look-a-like brother. "This kind soul has waited by himself to present us this gift."

"I do believe you are right, Paul" Jasmine nodded. "Such generosity!"

A rather regal looking chap groaned, before brushing back his ponytail of silver hair back over his shoulder. His noble, purple cloak hung in the dead wind, and his black, regal garb covered him cleanly. He shook his head, and placed a hand to his forehead. "Look, I worked too hard to hand this over to you--" One of his eyes snapped open. "Waita minute..."

The regal man, as Cecil pointed to be Lord Pent, pointed a finger towards the ugly warrior in the pink vest. "His name is _Jasmine_?"

"Indeed it is" Paul assured. "He is my very dear, identical twin brother."

"Let...let me just get my head wrapped around this..." Pent continued to stutter. "HIS name is JASMINE?"

"Yes it is..." Jasmine pointed out. "What's wrong with that?"

Pent threw his arms into the air. "The fact that _Jasmine_ is a girl's name!" he shouted.

"That's not true!" Jasmine pointed out. "I was named after my great-uncle, Jasmine Esabella Fletcher, Esquire."

Pent shook his head. "That doesn't change the fact that Jasmine is a name supposed to be used only for females..."

"That is not so!" Paul countered, stepping forward on his brother's behalf. "There are plenty of multi-gender names nowadays. Such as _Alex_, for instence."

"Because Alex can be short for both _Alexander_, for males, and _Alexandria_, for females" Pent explained.

"Then how about _Sam_?" Jasmine continued.

"_Samual_ and _Samantha_."

"_Ron_?"

"_Ronald_ and _Veronica_."

"Ha! I got one, mister expert!" Paul declared triumphantly. "_Jesse_!"

"_Jessica_ for females, and..._Jesse_ for males...huh, that one I can't present both sides for...But anyway! I don't care who you are or what genders you're supposed to be, this artifact I found is mine! I've worked too hard to hand it over to the likes of you!"

Jasmine gasped, and put a hand to his chest. "How rude! And to think, we were going to let you live..."

"We are fragile creatures" Paul explained. "You cannot trifle with our emotions so. You're a bad man! He's so bad, Jasmine!"

"Oh Paul, I know it. I really do. Oh my tender heart, she is breaking!"

"What? You too, Jasmine?"

"And you as well, Paul?"

Pent's left eye twitched, as he watched all this with slumpped shoulders. "This is the most disturbing exchange I have ever been within earshot of..."

Paul took out, from a holster on his back, a large, fierce looking axe. "Let's go! We must make him reconsider!"

Pent bowed his head, and shrugged, shaking his head. "I didn't want to hurt you...no, that was a lie. After that whole exchange, I would like to lightly toast you, but now you're forcing my hand."

* * *

Kozo groaned. "I hate fighting in the desert..." he grumbled.

Cecil nodded. "I know what you mean. The unbearable heat, the lack of any tactical cover or even water, the fact that those you DO encounter here are ready for such conditions..."

"And the fact that movement is quite hampered, especially in the cases of Knights and Cavaliers slash Paladins. Of course, mages have their magic that allows them to walk over the sand with ease..."

"It's one of the first things you learn in the academy" Canas concurred.

"Luckily, I have just the thing to help all of you not so magically inclined." Kozo dug into his robes, and pulled out a small, black cartridge.

Cecil blinked, and looked it over. "Is that...is that a Gameshark?"

"You bet it is" Kozo nodded with a wide grin on his face.

"But where could you have possibly gotten it from? The only one I remember hearing about was in possession by that little gnome guy we met on the Dread--you stole it from the little gnome guy, didn't you?"

"Yep."

* * *

Winny sighed, panning the wood for his next raft. "This would be easier if I still had my Gameshark."

* * *

Kozo began to press a series of buttons. Cecil rubbed the back of his head. "If you could use that in the past, why didn't you use it to give us the super legendary weapons of old? Or smite the enemies where they stood? You could've reduced all of them to a near death state, too weak to fight back when we could--"

"Well, that'd just be cheating at too much of an extreme. I'm just helping out everyone. Now, I think this is the right combination..." Kozo pushed a final button on the Gameshark.

Clouds formed in the sky, as rain began to fall. Cecil instantly had his parasol over his head, and a harsh glare aimed at Kozo. "Well, at least it's not hot anymore."

"Hold on, I just punched in the wrong environmental factor. Just give me a..."

Beep. The rain instantly stopped for a few seconds, before replaced by a gusty snow fall.

Cecil shook his head. "Great. Not only have you completely gone against the laws of physics, but you've also made things worse for us."

"I'll get it eventually, let me just--!" Kozo shouted, pressing buttons more rapidly.

The snow stopped, the clouds parted, and a pillar of flames shot down from the heavens, hitting the sand directly. The entire field began to heat up, before turning into solid glass.

"...that was unusual..." Cecil muttered, looking around his feet.

"Well, at least movement shouldn't be a problem now" Kozo observed with a grin. "Okay, people, now the first thing to do is--" Kozo took one step forward, and slipped, landing flat on his back. "...oh yeah. No friction what so ever on glass."

Meanwhile, with Pent of Eturia and the bandits, the sage watched as bandits slipped and bounced off each other like pinballs against bumpers. "As though my day couldn't get any weirder..."

"Okay, so maybe the glass wasn't a good idea..." Kozo sighed, as he punched in a final combination on the Gameshark. "But that's easily remedied."

With an odd, "poof" noise, the entire field turned into a grassy plain. Cecil blinked, and looked around. "What did you just...?"

"Simple. I just swapped the _L _for an _R_. Japanese to English and English to Japanese translations do it all the time" Kozo explained. "So instead of fighting on _glass_, we're fighting on _grass_. And with all the benefits of this still being a desert chapter."

"..._Benefits_ of it being a desert chapter?"

"Sure. You know all the goodies you find during these chapters? You'd be surprised at the number of things scattered about this place."

Cecil rolled his eyes, as he stepped forward, closing his parasol. "Right. I'll be certain to, when I have some free time, go into the middle of the desert with a spoon, and dig around to see what sort of crap I can find."

"Actually, you just have to stand on the right space. If you're lucky, you'll find the item" Kozo explained.

"..." Cecil continued to step forward. "Kozo, of all the inane, non-sensical things you've told me, I'd have to say that this is the most half-assed--WHOA!" After bringing himself to his feet, Cecil looked to what he tripped over, and pulled up from the dirt a pair of leather boots. "I suddenly feel like I just went fishing..."

"Oh your God, Cecil! Do you realize what you just found?" Kozo stuttered excitedly.

"..Yeah, I found a pair of tattered leather boots. They look like they wouldn't sell for much..."

"Those Boots can increase the movement rate of anyone wearing them!"

"...What? These old, thrift store walkers are supposed to help you move FASTER? You'd think these would slow you down because you'd be tripping over these pieces of cloth that are peeling off."

"Give them to a mounted unit, Cece. It'll let them fly across the map."

"...Kozo...two boots...four legs to a horse...I fail to see how TWO boots once worn by a DEAD GUY can help a FOUR legged horse move any faster than it already can!"

"Oh, just give them here..." Hector groaned, snatching the boots from Cecil's hands, and slipping them on over his own, metal boots. The tattered boots were on the warrior's feet for only a few seconds, before dissolving away in a wisp of smoke.

"...Does nothing make SENSE in this world?" Cecil shouted.

"Sir Cecil..." Canas pointed out, adjusting his monocle, "you travel with a band of rag-tag adventurers, including several people who bend reality to their will, on a quest to prevent dragons from returning to the world."

"Never mind, then..." Cecil muttered, before looking over towards the bandits ahead. "Well, now that the field is more workable, I want our cavalry units to charge ahead, see if you can cause some havoc for them. Infantry, you move in close behind."

Cecil looked over towards Heath and Fiora. "I want you two, personally, to go for Lord Pent. Heath, you get the sage and fly. Fiora, you help keep baddies off of Heath long enough for him to get the sage to safety."

"As you wish" Heath nodded, adjusting his seat on his wyvern. "Fiora, we fly." With that, the two took off into the air, and flew towards the battle ahead.

"Alright, knights of Lycia..." Kent ordered, as he drew forth his sword. "Charge!" With a loud battle cry, Kent, Marcus, Lowen and Isadora rode ahead, after the two flying units.

Florina was about to join them, when she looked down, and noticed a straggler. "Aren't you going with them, Sain?" she asked.

"Yeah, you go on ahead" Sain insisted. "My _noble steed_ is grazing..."

"Baa."

* * *

Meanwhile, Pent touched down to the now fertile ground, and smirked. "Well, now that I'm not concentrating on maintaining the levitation spell, I can put more effort into my attacks such as Elfire and--"

Suddenly, a swarm of axemen bunched in around Pent. While the sage now had an easier time traversing the field, so did the bandits. A low growl emitted from several of them. The mage general's face hanged low. "I regret nothing..."

Quite suddenly, a wyvern swooped down, and snatched up the sage, before flying off back towards the main party. Pent blinked, and looked up at the rider. "Should I be thankful or concerned that an unknown wyvern rider is taking me to an equally unknown location?" he asked.

"Don't worry, sir" Heath assured with a grin. "We're here to rescue you."

"...We?" Pent asked. "Who else is--"

"The main party whom we are taking you to" Fiora explained, flying nearby.

Pent beamed. "Fiora! It does my heart good to see you well. So, how's Ilia?"

"Cold."

"And the mercenary group that I hired and which you were in charge of?"

"Dead."

"Oh, that's a...damn..."

"I mourn them on my own time. For now..." Fiora touched between the pursuing bandits and the charging cavalry. She lifted up her lance, and smirked. "I think now's the time for fighting."

Heath continued to fly even further, towards the two tacticians, Merlinus, and Sain. "Why are taking me this far away from the battle?" Pent asked.

Heath shrugged, and mumbled something like "I dunno." He scratched his cheek, and continued. "Something about Kozo and saying that you'd suck up all the _experience_."

"All the what?"

"I've tried asking, but people just tell me to not even bother."

* * *

The Nabata Desert had not seen such a battle in many, many years. Bandit axe clanged against mercenary steel, bows fired and arrows flew, and magic rained on the field.

Sain sat atop his sheep, grumbling, as it continued to graze.

Canas mumbled a few incantations, before a ball of concentrated dark matter formed around one of the enemies. The life was slowly squeezed out of them, before they collapsed to the ground.

Sain laid across his mount's back, reading a book, as his ride continued to graze.

Dorcas tossed around enemies left and right. Lyn's swordplay kept her share of brigands on the defensive, if not outright slaughtering them. Florina yipped and yelped as arrows whizzed past her.

Sain groaned loudly, and marched off on foot. "Alright, fine! Eat to your heart's content! I am NOT going to be one-upped on the field of bat--AH!"

The green knight picked himself up off the ground, and noticed what he had stepped on. "What in the hell...?" he muttered to himself. He picked up a small crest, one that most scholars would refer as an _Ocean's Seal_. "Neat. I'm sure this would make a lovely gift for Lyndis. Or maybe Priscilla."

He pocketed the seal, and continued along. "Or perhaps Fiora? Oh! I'm sure lady Isadora would love it the most! I wonder if I should--DAMNIT!"

The green knight got to his feet again. "NOW what did I trip on? Huh?" He bent down, and picked up an old, but still intact book. "Huh...it's like a magic book of some kind...Oh! Serra's a magic user! Maybe she'll like it!" He grinned, and continued his march.

Not before tripping over a sword, another crest, two rings and a second book. "Wow...who left all this cool stuff just lying around in the middle of a grassy field? ...Well, I guess it was supposed to be a desert, but..."

* * *

Meanwhile, back with the two tacticians, they had just seen Heath and Pent off to rejoin the battle. Kozo was about to join them, when the shouting of someone charging towards them caught their ear.

Glancing towards their assailant, a rather ugly bandit, Kozo scoffed, and readied himself to deal with the miserable thing. However, his attack was almost unnecessary. Suddenly charging in between the two was a colossus of a man, skin brown from, obviously, many days out in the desert. The bandit followed up with a swing of his axe, only to have it shatter against the man's stomach.

Cecil watched all this, jaw agape. "Did...did I just see him take an axe to the gut and completely ruin the weapon, without wearing a scrap of upper body armour?" he asked.

"Yeah, looks that way," Kozo agreed with a shrug.

The giant then grabbed the bandit by the head with his left arm, which was encased with a long, metal gauntlet. Then, taking his own axe in his other hand, he slammed it deep into the bandit's side. Ignoring the holler of pain from his victim, the warrior took his axe out, and slammed it in again. And again. And a few times more.

He dropped the bandit to the ground, before looking towards the two tacticians. Cecil approached in amazement. "Man, I have never seen a guy absorb an entire axe attack, or squish somebody that easily. Just who are you?"

"I am Hawkeye, defender of this desert," the berserker answered.

"Defender? Of a desert?"

"I shall drive out these bandits. There is no need for guests to fight." With that, Hawkeye placed his axe over his shoulder, and charged towards the battle field.

"Guests? Wait, what are you talking about? Stop running, I'm not done talking to you!" Cecil rushed towards the battle field after Hawkeye. The tactician jogged along behind the giant, before said giant dived to the side. Cecil blinked, before screaming and ducking underneath a handaxe that would have taken his head off.

After the axe flew back to its owner, Cecil looked up, and let out a sigh of relief. "Phew. For a second there, I thought I was about to be killed by the single most ugliest bandit I think I've seen in my life."

An arrow landed right in front of his hand. "I wouldn't insult them further, if I were you..." Canas pointed out. "They seem rather mad already, what with all the insults we've been giving them previously..."

"Hey Jasmine, where's your precious Aladdin?" Matthew teased, before skillfully ducking underneath the swing of an axe.

"Matthew, please stop insulting him..." Oswin groaned, as the axe was taken out of the latest notch in his armour.

"Why?" Matthew asked, before looking towards Jasmine again. "Your name is girly!" Duck. SMASH!

"That's why..." Oswin sighed in defeat, as the axe had now made a fifth notch in his armour.

"Ah, to hell with this!" Erk groaned, before winding back, lifting one leg into the air. "ELFIRE!" he shouted, before pitching a fireball towards one of the brothers. It connected dead center, and exploded, engulfing Paul in flames. "Canas, finish the job!"

The shaman nodded, and waved his hands through the air, a magic circle appearing beneath him. Muttering some mystic incantations, Canas went into the final steps of his spell. "Nos...fer...ATU!" he shouted, thrusting a finger towards the burning warrior.

In the midst of Paul's shouting, he felt something being pulled from his mouth. His very life force was being drawn out, before he collapsed to a heap in the middle of the desert.

Leaving only Jasmine as the remaining warrior, and, from the looks of things, that would last for much longer. Lowen charged towards him, lance at the ready, before he came to a stop near him. His horse bucked back, as Lowen spun his lance over his head expertly, before he pierced it furiously through one of the weak points in Jasmine's armour. The horse came back down, but Lowen wasn't done.

Twice more, he pierced a different weak point in Jasmine's armour, before the warrior, at least, fell. Marcus hemmed in awe, trotting over to his squire. "My word, Lowen, you've struck that beast at the exact right points and with such power...I must say, I'm impressed."

Lowen beamed, and looked to his left. "Thanks, Commander Marcus. I was hoping you would be."

"...Lowen? I'm to your right." Marcus sighed, and shook his head. "Blind idiot..." he muttered under his breath.

* * *

"You really helped me out. Thank you," said Pent, as he bowed slightly before Eliwood.

"We couldn't watch a lopsided battle, that's all," Eliwood assured sheepishly.

Lyn smirked, and nudged Cecil in the ribs. "I'm sure that in spite of Cece's confidence here, you'd eventually need some help anyway."

"Oh, so it's a sin for me to think the Mage General of Eturia can handle some simple bandits by himself..." Cecil sighed.

"So, why are you in the middle of the desert, anyway?" Pent asked.

"Well, we're here to see this _Living Legend_ guy. Know anything about it?" Hector asked.

"Ha ha! It looks like we share the same destination. And--ah, Hawkeye! You're here as well!" Pent observed, as the giant stepped forward.

"Pent, did you find it?" Hawkeye asked simply.

Pent nodded. "Got it right here. And, as I thought, it's spectacular."

Hawkeye nodded, before looking forward. "We should get going before it gets dark. Desert nights can be treacherous."

* * *

After hiking through the desert for a while, Cecil sighed, and glanced slightly over his shoulder. "So, Mage General, how exactly are we supposed to know when we run into the place where we can find the _Living Legend_?" Silence was his answer. Cecil stopped, and looked around. Pent was gone. "Where did he go? And why do I get the weird feeling that I'm sinking in to the sa--" With that, Cecil was sucked underneath the rolling sand.

Kozo tried to move his legs, but he found that he was sinking as well. "...Well, this sucks--" And he was gone. Eventually followed by Hector, then Lyn, then Eliwood...and then pretty much everyone else in the party.

* * *

"Okay, after those two little incidents with Peppita and the two old stars of older attempts at filming, I've found a safe and reliant source for Morals," Yoshimo explained with a sigh of relief.

"Your own mind?" Winny guessed.

"No, have you seen previous morals? They stunk." Yoshimo took a long cord, and attached it to the wheel. "I've hooked up my cord with the internet. It searches for random quotes and morals, and uses them for the show. Now, let's see what this baby can do..."

Yoshimo took one of the pegs, and spun hard. "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn." The wheel began to slow down, before coming to a complete stop. "Moral Number 2."

The computer connected to the Wheel began going through internet pages rapidly, before selecting one in particular. The printer next to it began to print out the quote. "And the moral of today's story is..." Yoshimo took the paper, and cleared his throat. "_Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world laughs harder._ ...Oh, you have no idea..." Yoshimo muttered.

"You still upset about the whole incident at that business party last year, Yoshimo?" Winny asked.

"YES!" Yoshimo snapped. He sighed. "Well, that's it for now. I'm Yoshimo, and, until next time, remember to smile...because tomorrow's only going to be worse."


	38. Chapter TwentyTwo Gaiden: Genesis

**Fire Emblem 7, The Parody  
Chapter 22 Gaiden: Genesis**

Author's Note: Alright, just to get it out of the way, and so I don't get a multitude of reviews about it, this is probably going to be the dryest chapter to date. I still like it, personally, but just pointing it out so I don't have fifteen people complaining about how humorless this installment was.

In addition, I'd like to point out that the next chapter will be a Side Chapter. For those not interested in that style of chapter, please, hold out after this chapter, I'll try to have itdone and out of the way a lot quicker than this one. And now that that's taken care of, enjoy the show.

* * *

"...aaaaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Cecil yelled, as he free fell towards the ground below. He landed with a thud and a bounce. After a brief pause, he shook his head. "Ow..."

Suddenly, another scream came from above. The tactician strained his eyes to see what was coming towards him through the darkness above. It was Kozo. "Oh, hell no..." he muttered, before rolling out of the way. The druid hit the floor as well. Cecil let out a sigh of relief, before another scream caught his ear, this one almost right after Kozo's.

Before he even had a chance to look up, the owner of the scream collided soundly with the tactician, who let out a gasp of pain. Serra stood up, feet still planted on Cecil's chest. She brushed herself off. "Um...sorry about that. I would've slowed down if I could, but..."

"No worries..." Cecil squeezed out, holding his thumb up. "Now, could you please get offa me?"

"Oh, sure thing." Serra stepped off of Cecil, and began to look around.

Cecil struggled to his feet, before another whistling noise filled his ears. He blinked, and looked up. "Oh...HELL no!" The tactician ducked and rolled away, right before Hawkeye's heavy boots landed where Cecil's legs used to be. "Damnit, how many of us were sucked into the sand anyway?"

"Until we find out, I have a plan to save us from further injury," Kozo pointed out, before he took out a sign from his robes. He hammered this sign to the ground.

The sign read, _"Chapter Introduction in Progress. Watch out for Falling Cast Members."_

Cecil blinked, and shook his head. Kozo, Hawkeye and Serra all dug out construction hats, and put them on. "I don't see," Cecil insisted, "how that's going to help anybody from further--"

WHAM!

Cecil fell over, a large bump on his head. Lyn groaned, rubbing her temple as well. "Geez, watch where you're standing..." the noble girl let out through clenched teeth, as she got to her feet. "Ow..."

Several more screams filled the air, as the rest of the party fell towards the ground. Serra immediately grabbed Cecil's parasol, and put it over her head, a joking smile on her face. "It's raining party members! Hallelujah, it's raining..." SHWACK! Serra's eyes spun, as she lay on the ground, Rebecca only a few feet away (also on the verge of passing out).

Lyn started moving about the floor, arms held out, skillfully dodging some of the others of the party. "I got it, I got it, I...got 'cha!" she cheered, as she caught Florina from the free fall. "You okay?"

Florina groaned slightly, and looked up at who caught her. A smile appeared on her face, and she started to nuzzle her rescuer's chest. "My hero..." she sighed blissfully.

"Fl...Florina, could you...I'm kinda at a loss here..." Lyn stuttered.

"Oh, um..." Florina got out of Lyn's arms, and twiddled her thumbs. "Sorry."

Kozo suddenly began to imitate Lyn's actions, by moving about the room, attempting to grab a certain fellow. "Almost...almost...almost...GOT IT!" he cheered, as he caught Guy from his free fall. "You alright?"

Guy groaned slightly, and looked up at who caught him. His face blanched, and he started kicking. "Let go of me before I rip your arms off!"

Erk whistled towards the ground, holding unto Priscilla during the decent. "Hang on, I'm going to try something," Erk pointed out, before he pointed one of his palms towards the ground. The healer clung tightly, before the two almost hit the ground. "Wind!" Erk shouted, before a gust of wind shot from his palm, and hit the floor. The bounce back of the wind caused Erk and Priscilla to drift up slightly, before coming back to the ground, much softer than most of the others.

Priscilla looked at the ground below her, before she got her feet on the floor. She smiled over at Erk. "Oh, Erk, I'm so impressed! That was so cleaver!"

Erk smirked, and nodded. "Spells have practical uses too, you know. They weren't just made to destroy whoever--"

"Wait a minute..." Kozo pointed out, approaching the two. "The only wind spell in FE7 is the Excalibur Spell. Wind wasn't introduced until FE9. So how did--"

A sudden, strong force pushed Erk to the ground, almost breaking his nose. "Ow...logic...my arch enemy..." he muttered, as he got to his feet.

"Now, I thought I was your arch-enemy..." Kozo pointed out.

"I have a life outside of you."

"And Bartre? And Serra?"

"I'm not a people person."

And, finally, Raven stood underneath one of the last people to fall. "I got you, I got you..." he assured loudly in a...much softer voice than anyone remembered. Finally, he caught Lucius in his arms. "Lucius! Are you alright?"

Lucius's head spun, before he shook his head, and looked up at Raven. "Oh, thank you, Lord Raven. I'm just glad I had someone here to catch me instead of having to break my fall with my face."

"Indeed..." Raven pointed out, brushing a thumb over Lucius's cheek. "Your face mustn't be scared so."

Lucius blinked, and his lower lip twitched. "Aha...Lord Raven, what are you talking--" Lucius suddenly let out a loud yelp, as Raven snatched a kiss from the bishop.

* * *

Yoshimo burst up from his chair. "What the hell is he DOING?" Yoshimo shouted. "No where in the script did I call for him to kiss him!"

Eubans looked at his copy of the script, and shook it. "You lied to me! I trusted you!"

"Raven!" Yoshimo shouted, stamping his foot, glaring towards the set.

"What?" Raven asked, stepping up from behind Yoshimo, an ice pack held to his head, and a broken bat in his other hand.

Yoshimo looked between Raven next to him and the Raven on set. He then started trembling in rage, before shouting at the top of his lungs, "AC...EN...TINNNNNNE!"

"Yeah?" the fake Raven, also known as Acetine, also known as "Kozo's Boy Toy" (I think) asked innocently, gently putting Lucius down. Who then ran to the green room for some disinfectant.

* * *

Eliwood groaned, and sat up. He looked around, and blinked. He was...completely alone. He got to his feet, and brushed himself off, and still, not even the sound of any of his companions came to his ears. "Well...crap..." he muttered. He stood up, and started feeling the walls. "Where is everyone?" he muttered to himself.

The sound of a few foot steps echoed towards Eliwood. The noble looked towards the noise, and noticed two figures approaching him. He walked towards these figures himself, hand resting around the hilt of his rapier. His visage softened greatly, and he let a sigh of relief, as he was able to make out who these two figures were. "Ah, Pent, Hawkeye, I'm glad to see you," he said with a nod.

The flame haired noble looked towards the giant axeman. "Hawkeye, do you know what this place is?" he asked.

Hawkeye shook his head. "No," he answered simply.

"No?" Pent asked. The mage general shrugged his shoulders, and shook his head. "Well, I'm not surprised. I would never have imagined a place like this existed..."

"My master never spoke of anything like this..." Hawkeye continued to mutter.

Quick footsteps scrapped across the ground, before a particular, young bard came out from between the two men. "Lord Eliwood!" he cheered. "What luck, you're okay!"

"Nils!" Eliwood beamed, before kneeling down to meet the young bard at eye-level. "Is everyone else okay?"

The young Nils nodded, still smiling widely. "Yep. A few bumps and scrapes, but no major injuries from the fall. And it looks like EVERYbody decided to join us down here," he explained.

"Lovely..." Eliwood breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn't at all happy with the fact that they were now in the middle of some god-forsaken ruins, but at least no one was stuck in the middle of some god-forsaken desert all by themselves."

Pent tensed, and looked around. "Something strange is in the air..." he muttered. "I can feel it."

"Hmm?" Nils looked up at the mage general, before he shivered. "Oh, you're right...I'm startin' to feel it, too."

"This disquieting feeling...I know it...I felt it before. Back on Valor," Eliwood concluded.

"The Dread Isle?" Nils asked.

"Yeah. We first felt it on our way to the ruins of the Dragon's Gate. Right around when our magic started failing us, too."

Hawkeye looked towards his noble friend. "Pent, doesn't that sound like..." he started.

"Like a magic seal..." Pent finished with a smirk.

"A magic what?" Eliwood asked innocently.

"It's not an easy concept to explain, but I'll try..." Pent offered. "Basically, it's something or someone whose very presence cancels out all magic."

"But why would someone like that be here? Why now?"

"Couldn't tell you. All I know is that I'm getting the feeling we're being watched..."

"Uh-oh..." Nils gulped. "Baddies are a comin'..."

"You're kidding..." Eliwood moaned.

* * *

Kozo growled, and deactivated his pendant. "Great. The ol' magic seal has brought in some buddies to help him out..." he complained.

"If he can do that, I have a feeling he's also the one who made this place for starters..." Cecil observed.

"If we destroy this Magic Seal, can we get out of here?" Lyn asked, hand on the hilt of her Mani Katti.

"It's a possibility..." Cecil nodded, putting it into consideration.

"Then let's go get some magic warding buttocks..." Kozo said with a malicious grin. "Everyone, let's go find pansy-boy, Pent, Nils and Hawkeye. We'll need everyone for this mission, talented in both arms and magic."

* * *

Eventually, the two parties had joined up, and everyone was suited for eventual combat. "Alright, everyone," Eliwood instructed, "if we're ready, let's go. Try not to get separated."

"Oh jeez..." Cecil groaned, already seeing bad coming.

Suddenly, the ground started to shake. Hawkeye immediately took action. "Don't move!" he bellowed. Everyone took his advice, as a large wall shot up between the party, reaching the ceiling, in effect cutting the party in half.

"Oh, that's just...GREAT!" Hector cursed, punching the wall. Eliwood sighed, and shook his head in defeat.

"He's responsible..." Hawkeye reasoned. "He's watching us from nearby..."

"Great..." Kozo muttered. "I'm stuck with loud mouth, pansy boy, and only one bishonen..."

"Leave me out of this..." said Heath, backing away from the druid.

On the other side of the wall, Cecil sighed, and looked towards his party. "Well, we might be separated, but we're still a force to be reckoned with, right?" he asked with a smile, trying to restore morale. "Come on, we'll just loop around and catch up with the others."

"Of all people to be stuck with, it had to be her..." Erk groaned, shaking his head in defeat.

"Yeah, buzz off, Priscilla!" Serra snapped, clinging to Erk protectively.

"He was talking about you!" Priscilla retaliated. She raised her fists. "I swear, even _I'm_ getting sick of your..."

"As much as I'm sure several of us would want that," Cecil insisted, stepping between the two girls, "we don't have time for catfights right now!" He took Serra's arm, and dragged her off. "Alright, team, let's go to work."

* * *

"Sooo, Heath..." Kozo inquired, as his party walked down the corridor. "What was it like at your old job?"

"And might I ask why you're speaking with ME in particular?" Heath asked.

"Oh, I like to get to know the people I travel with on a personal level. Helps develop character and raise moral."

"The only people I ever see you talk with on a friendly matter are Matthew, Guy, Sain and Legault. And almost all of them despise you. Except for your old boyfriend."

"I have a reputation to up-hold, here..." Kozo explained.

"The reputation of a gay shaman who doesn't know when to quit?"

"Why are you so reluctant to talk to me, anyway?"

"Because if I show even the SLIGHTEST bit of kindness towards you, you'll be clinging to my arm whenever those other four are out of reach."

"Heath, you don't have to be so mean. What if I give you my solemn vow to not bother you like that?" Kozo put a hand over his heart, and smiled nicely, an odd sight for most people to behold. "Scout's honour."

"Well...alright. So, you want to know about my old job?" The wyvern rider asked. Kozo nodded. "Well, Eubans wasn't the most practical of mercenary commanders, but he was still a good man, and treated us all with respect and..."

"No, no, older than that," Kozo interrupted, waving his arm.

"Older than...?" Heath pondered, before his expression blanked. "Oh...that job..." He shook his head, and shrugged. "Well, it was a cushy job, actually. Met some nice guys, the photographers were easy enough to work with, although some of the pictures they made me pose for were...degrading, at times."

"Like this one?" Kozo asked, opening his magazine.

"Please stop bringing that up..."

* * *

"...So then the druid says, _Deodorant? What's that_?" Cecil concluded with a wide grin.

Serra threw back her head, and let out a laugh. "Oh dear..." she let out, wiping her eyes. "Okay, my turn, my turn. Okay, so these two berserkers walk into a bar, and one of them says to the barkeep..."

Erk watched this in amazement, and shook his head. "This just can't be right..." he muttered, before approaching the two. "I'll just have to test this..."

"...turns out his axe was in his helmet the whole time!" Serra concluded, causing the tactician to stop, and start laughing seriously.

The purple haired sage tapped Cecil on the shoulder, and waited for him to calm down. Cecil chuckled a bit more, before looking towards Erk. "What is it, Erk?"

"Wil needed to talk with you. Figured I should let you know..." Erk informed simply, thumbing towards the archer over his shoulder.

Cecil nodded, and walked towards the archer, and struck up conversation, as Erk stepped to walk beside the bishop. Serra blinked, and looked up at her old bodyguard. "Erky? Why are you...?" she let out.

"Just wanted to talk..." Erk lied flatly.

Serra beamed, and nodded. "Okay! So, the other day I was..."

In only half a minute, Erk was beginning to regret this experiment more and more. "_She just goes on and on like this..._" he thought to himself. "_How can Cecil stand to talk to her?_"

"Ow..." Serra suddenly whimpered, stopping. Erk blinked, and looked behind him, to notice the cleric-girl massaging her feet. Obviously, high-heels weren't meant for desert travel or ruin spelunking. Serra looked up the sage, and smiled sheepishly. "Hey, Erky, think you could carry me?" she asked, or, in her own tone, ordered.

Erk sighed, and walked towards Serra, and picked her up. "Alright, alright..." he muttered, before he continued to carry her off. Not even after ten steps, Serra brought up another quote-unquote request.

"Erky? Could you hand me a canteen or something? I'm parched."

"What the...?" Erk almost hemorrhaged. "I'm the one carrying you!"

"Pleeeeeease Erkyyyyy?" she asked cutely.

"Geh...deh...FINE!" Erk did his best to hold up Serra with one arm, as she wrapped both of her's around his neck to keep herself up. Erk dug for his belt, and detached his canteen, before handing it to Serra, and putting his second arm to use of holding her up. "Known I was going to put up with this, and I would've slipped a few knock out drugs in there earlier..." he grumbled ever so silently under his breath.

Serra grinned, and opened the canteen. "Thanks Erky!" she beamed, before giving him a quick peck on the cheek. She then began to chug down the canteen. After a few more paces, Serra looked up at Erk again. "Erk, I'm hungry, would you..."

"That's IT! I give up! The experiment is not worth this crap!" Erk roughly dropped Serra to the ground, and yanked his canteen back from her hands. "Give me that..." he snarled, before stomping off.

Cecil watched all this, after making absolutely sure with Wil that he did not, in fact, need to talk to Cecil, and that maybe Erk had lied. The tactician quickly got over to the bishop, and helped her to her feet. "You going to be okay?" he asked, knowing the obvious answer.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine...ow..." Serra grumbled, getting her bearings straight. She started walking forward, twitching every other step and letting out another "ow".

"You need some help, Serra?" Cecil asked, offering his arm to the cleric girl.

Serra shook her head, and brushed Cecil's arm away. "No, no, I'll be okay...ow..." she insisted, before rubbing her back.

"Well, if you're sure...just let me know when you need a hand, okay?" Cecil offered, smiling warmly.

Serra turned slightly red, and nodded, before continuing the walk next to the tactician in silence.

All the while, Erk watched the exchange, practically stunned. He shook his head, and groaned loudly. "I don't get it..." he expressed out loud. "How does he get away with being so nice to her? How come she's not smothering him with further orders?"

"Because he's showing her genuine interest and kindness," Wil explained, stepping next to the sage.

Erk blinked, and looked over at the archer. "Hmm? What do you mean, Wil?"

"In my travels, I've seen many people, some very much like Serra," Wil explained, nodding the whole time.

Erk raised a quizzical eyebrow. "And you didn't strangle one of them?" he asked flatly.

"Erm...no..."

"Is that even possible?"

"You see," Wil continued, regaining his composure quickly, "Serra's a woman who wants attention, who wants to be noticed. She puts up this bossy front to get it, and it drives people nuts. However, after getting the attention she wants, she's not sure what to do. Does she continue her act, believing it to be what attracted this attention, or does she drop it, to prevent it from driving away her friend?"

Wil nodded, and snapped his fingers, to drive home his point. "That's why she becomes so shy when Cecil shows her care and appreciation," he concluded.

Erk hemmed, before looking back to the archer. "Do you truly believe this?" he asked, skeptical of the reasoning.

"It's amazing the kind of people you meet in your wanderings," Wil pointed out. "I've seen people like Sain, Canas, even Kozo."

Erk smirked, and rolled his eyes. "Okay, now I _know_ you're kidding..." he muttered, before looking back up at Wil. "Why do you concern yourself with learning everything there is to know about people?"

"It's just who I am," Wil explained. "I'm just the kind of guy who sees the similarities and differences between people. Although, I will admit I started so I could learn more about one person..." He sighed, and looked towards the others, specifically Rebecca and Rath, who were exchanging a pleasant chat. Or, rather, Rebecca was chatting. Rath just looked bored.

The archer smirked, and turned back towards Erk. "You know, I have met one or two people like you before. If you want, I could..."

"That won't be necessary," Erk interrupted. "I know myself well enough not to need a fortune teller or anything telling me who I am." He turned away from Wil. "Been nice talking to you. Duty calls." He walked towards Priscilla, and smiled, as he began to strike up conversation.

Wil smirked, and folded his arms over his chest, and watched as the two talked happily about whatever. "The guardian, the watcher, seeking the person whom he wants to protect and be protected by..." he muttered to himself, before someone bumped into him.

"Hey, Wil, what's the hold-up?" Matthew asked, slapping the back of one hand to the palm of the other.

"Erm, sorry..." Wil muttered, before he resumed walking along with the rest of the party.

* * *

"I can't believe this..." Kozo muttered. "It's been..." A wicked gleam twinkled in his eye, before he shouted very loudly, almost challengingly,"It's been almost an hour and we haven't seen one baddy!"

Suddenly, several enemy soldiers charged from around the corner, holding up various weapons with silver handles. In fact, even the mages and shamans had books with a silver bookmark.

Kozo looked to the heavens beaming, and put his hands together in a praying fashion. "Murphy, old boy, you've done it again!" he nearly cheered. He looked back towards the baddies, and pointed towards the mass. "Alright, everyone, get ready!"

Suddenly, a broken wall near Kozo and company fell, and through the rubble stepped Cecil, looking around blankly. "Did I miss the butt-whooping?" he asked simply.

"Um...no..." several of Eliwood's company explained.

"In fact, you're a little bit early," Lowen pointed out.

Cecil grinned, and clapped his hands together. "Perfect." He stepped over to stand next to Kozo, as the other half of the party followed quickly. The two miniature armies squared off, before Cecil held his lance high. "Chaaaaaaarge!" he cried dramatically.

The army of enemies and the army of heroes charged towards each other. Swords clashed, axes swung, fire and lightning rained on the field. All the while, Ninian, Nils, Priscilla and Merlinus all watched, twitching whenever a hero delivered a killing blow to a twitching morph.

"That has GOT to hurt..." Ninian muttered.

Priscilla looked towards her mend staff, and shook her head. "I might have to use a lot of these..." she said to herself.

"If I were anyone else, I'd probably be jealous of how well our team was doing. Right now, I'm just glad they ARE doing that well," Merlinus observed.

"Dorcas is coming in from behind..." Nils shouted in a sport's announcer type voice, as the warrior rushed at a staggering general with a large, folding chair in hand. "Oh, and he's got a steel chair!" Dorcas brought it down with a powerful WHAM against the general, felling the giant. Nils rushed over next to the general, and started slamming his palm into the ground. "One, two, three...Da winner! Dorcas!"

As the final morph was felled, Eliwood held up a bloodied rapier, and pointed it towards the last morph standing - Kishuna, the magic seal himself. "There's only one enemy left. Your end is near!" he shouted dramatically.

Kishuna leaned back, and vanished in a puff of smoke. Eliwood groaned, and held his head in his free hand. "I hate it when they do that..." he muttered to himself.

Pent took a deep breath, and let out a sigh. "The air has returned to normal..." he said contently.

"What the heck was that thing, anyway?" Eliwood asked. "It looked like a human, but...he definately wasn't one..."

Pent and Hawkeye looked at each other, silent. Ninian stepped forward, and answered Eliwood. "It was a creature of heresy," she explained. "Its existence throws all the basic laws into disorder."

Eliwood looked towards Ninian, and nodded. "I see..." He smiled warmly. "Good call. That was quite knowledgeable."

Ninian blushed, and scratched her chin. "Um, my brother is a bard, and he does pick up a lot of information, even on the unknown..." she saved.

Pent stepped forward, and took over. "In this world, there are some things that fall beyond our level of understanding," he explained. "Come on, a living legend awaits us." With that, Pent moved on, followed suit by the majority of the company.

All save Ninian, who stayed behind, hanging her head in defeat. Hawkeye stepped towards her, and put a hand on her shoulder. "Daughter of..." he started, before he stopped, and simply sighed. "Be strong..." He took his hand off her, and moved on.

Ninian looked as the berserker walked off, before rushing to catch up.

* * *

Hawkeye rested his axe over his shoulder, and nodded. "I've brought them," he reported, before stepping to the side.

Athos looked up at the three gathered before him, and bowed his head in respect. "Welcome, children of Roland," he greeted simply.

Hector cleaned his ear with one finger. "My dad's name was Henry, old timer," he corrected. "None of my family tree was named Roland."

"No, Hector, I don't think that's what he meant..." Eliwood pointed out.

"A thousand years ago, when the war against the Dragons was concluded, the hero Roland founded Lycia," Lyn explained. "You are, technically, the children of Roland since without him, Lycia may not have been founded."

Athos grinned under his beard, and nodded. "That is correct, daughter of Roland and Hanon."

"See? I'm a Sacaen with a Lycian father. So I'm entitled to that. It's not like I'm _really_ the daughter of those two heroes."

"Well, there was always that bit of chemistry between them," Athos pointed out.

Lyn raised both eyebrows, and then furrowed her brow. "Um...okay?"

"Just who are you anyway?" Eliwood asked.

"Ah, of course." The old sage stood up, and tapped his staff to the floor. "I am Athos...most just call me Archsage."

Lyn's eyes widened. "You're the famous...no, that just ain't right..." the noble girl stuttered, shaking her head.

"I mean, the Archsage Athos was a hero a thousand years ago!" Hector worked out. "And he was pretty old around that time. For you to be the Archsage himself, you'd have to be..." Hector stopped, and pondered. "Uh...old. Like, _really_ old! Shut up! I'm bad at math..."

Athos chuckled, before going solemn. "The world is full of mysteries. Solve one, along comes another...Before I knew it, I had grown distant from my fellow man. Hunger...It knows no bounds."

"Oh, great, he's getting weird again..." Louise groaned. "I'm outta here..." With that, the noble lady walked off.

"You are here because you want to stop Nergal, correct?" Athos questioned.

Hector snapped his hands to his head. "Get out of my Miiiind!" he shouted.

Lyn glared over at her blue armoured companion. "No, he probably got word from Marquees Ostia..." She looked towards the Archsage. "Is that correct?"

"No. I am aware of most things in this world," Athos corrected.

Lyn snapped her own hands to her head. "Get out of my head!" she demanded.

"No, I am just aware of things that occur on this continent. However, this knowledge alone is not enough to help me stop it," Athos tried to explain.

Eliwood grabbed a screaming Lyn's shoulder, and shook her. "Now doesn't that sound like..." he started, hoping that Lyn would shut up long enough to finish the sentence.

For a plus, she did. She shook her head, and looked over at the noble. "Like Nils, I know...He said something similar. _With my special power, I can sense danger coming, but can't do anything about it_..."

Athos pondered on this. "Nils...one of the children of destiny."

"He's outside," Hector gestured. "He would've joined us, but something else caught his attention."

* * *

Meanwhile, outside the large meeting room, Nils poked at a large, silver statue. "Soooooo Shiiiiiiiney..." he breathed lifelessly, his hand running over the statue.

Cecil slapped Nils's hand. "Don't touch."

* * *

"So, about beating Nergal, let's brainstorm..." Lyn interrupted, hoping to actually get somewhere with this conversation.

"Hmm? Oh, yes." Athos coughed, before he continued. "Your foe is, like me, no longer... altogether human. It will be difficult to slay him through traditional means. He wields a terrible power. His endless strength stems from an ancient, forbidden magic... To defeat him, you will need a suitable response."

"Response?" Eliwood asked. "I know the pen is mightier than the sword, but I don't think he'll be willing to talk..."

"I mean, while he's recuperating from his wounds, you should find something powerful enough to beat him," Athos explained.

"Great, an artifact hunting mission..." Lyn groaned.

"Whoo! Artifact hunting mission!" Hector cheered.

"Tell us what to do," Eliwood requested. "We're willing to try anything to beat Nergal."

"It'll be harder than you can imagine," Athos pointed out. "Great trials..."

"Willing. To try. Anything..." Eliwood repeated slowly.

"Erm, oh, yes...well, okay, here's what you do..."

* * *

"...and then they'll make you their king," Athos concluded. "Did you get all that?"

The three nobles shook their heads in unison.

"Oh...well, get to the Shrine of Seals in Bern, and I'll take it from there, okay?" he summarized.

"See, when you put it like THAT, it makes sense, Graybeard," Hector pointed out.

Athos gestured towards the berserker standing nearby. "Take Hawkeye with you. Add his skills to your own."

"Skills? Like what, asides from swinging around a giant axe?" Lyn asked almost sarcastically.

"Ever seen a man bounce swords and fireballs off his bare chest?" Hawkeye pointed out with a wry grin.

"...No?"

"That's why I'm coming along."

"Yeesh..." Hector let out, walking towards the blonde berserker, before rapping his knuckles against his abdomen. "I've heard of people with _abs of steel_, but this is ridiculous."

"And what will you do, Pent?" Athos asked.

"Hold on a second..." Pent insisted, before walking towards the door. Opening it wide, he shouted out, "Okay, Louise, he stopped being weird! You can come back now!"

"But I was having fun!" Louise shouted back. "These people are great conversationalists! Except for maybe that green knight."

"What, what?" Sain shouted in kind.

Eventually, Louise entered, and the two approached Athos and the lordlings. "Well, if Nergal has magical powers to rival you, Lord Athos...and if he's planning to bring back the dragons...I wouldn't miss this story for the world," Pent insisted.

"You know, something's been bugging me for a while..." Lyn suddenly interrupted. "Begging your pardon, but what are a count and countess of Eturia doing in the middle of a desert in the first place?"

"Allow me to explain..." Athos insisted.

"Just looove the sound of your own voice, don't you..." Louise grumbled under her breath.

"Bern's successor will soon have his coming-of-age ceremony. Pent and Louise are to attend as representatives of Etruria. Pent claimed there was time to search the desert for a magic artifact said to have been lost in the sands here long ago. You arrived shortly after we did. Perhaps something was guiding you."

"Bowing to the dictates of fate," Pent continued, adding in his own little bow, "my wife and I would like to accompany you."

"Well, of course that's fine," Lyn nodded. "I mean, we're going to need all the help we can get. Pent's a mage general, so that's gotta mean something, and the wife's probably got some magic backing her up as well, maybe a healer..."

"Wrong," Louise pointed out, shaking her head.

"...Well, what can you do, ex..."

Louise suddenly had a bow and arrow out and ready to fire. "I could plug you full of arrowheads before you finished that sentence, for one," she pointed out, almost giggling afterwards.

Lyn raised her arms, and waved them, laughing nervously. "Nah, nah, that won't be required..." she insisted. "So, uh, shouldn't you send a word to your countrymen that you might be away longer than expected?"

Pent blew a stray bang of hair out of his eyes, and smirked. "Well, it's not like this would be the first time we would be. I doubt anyone would bat an eyelash to it." He wrapped an arm around Louise, and brushed her chin. "Isn't that right, dear?"

Louise giggled, and nodded. "So very right, honey..." she cooed.

"Eugh, I never cared for the touchy-feely..." Hector grumbled.

Lyn clapped her hands together, and just pictured the long vacations the two must've taken from ruling a region of Eturia. "It must be so romantic..." she sighed blissfully.

Athos snapped his fingers a few times, shutting everybody up (not magically, although he could. You get to be over a thousand years old, and you pick up a few tricks). "I should remind you there isn't much time..." he insisted. "If you could just assemble everyone into the plaza..."

* * *

Soon, the entire party was gathered inside the large meeting room. Cecil and Kozo stepped forward, to personally meet Athos. The old sage nodded to both of them. "Cecil and Kozo, eh? Fate blows a strange wind in your direction. Much rides on our shoulders and in your abilities."

Kozo looked over to Cecil smugly. "No pressure, though," he joked.

Athos dug into his robes, and pulled out a small bag of almost plastic-y gels. "I want you to take this. It enhances the natural abilities, skills which one was born with. Give it to whomever you think will benefit the most. Do not waste it by just holding onto it."

"I don't suppose that, since there's two of us, you'll give us two of these bags of..." Cecil tried to put out.

"No."

"Dang it..."

Kozo fiddled with the bag, grinning widely. "With these, we could turn Guy into Super Guy!" he pointed out. "Or make a Super Matthew! Maybe a Super Sain!"

Cecil yanked the bag out of Kozo's hands, and looked over it on his own. "They're strong enough as it is. I think this should be given to someone who has a bit of trouble showing their true strength. I'm thinking Florina or maybe Marcus here..."

Kozo smashed Cecil over the head, taking the bag for himself. "Maybe Athos should've also mentioned to not waste them on a lost cause!" he barked.

Cecil pulled the bag away from Kozo again, holding it high over his head. "There is no such thing as a lost cause in this army!" He suddenly turned towards, the party, and tossed the bag towards a particular member. "Merlinus, catch!"

"WHAT?" Kozo demanded.

The merchant caught the bag of plastic goods, and blinked. "What do you want I should..." Merlinus stuttered.

"Put that somewhere safe until Kozo and I can decide on the best person to give those to," Cecil instructed.

Kozo let out a sigh of relief. "Oh, Merlinus for storage. I thought you went insane and wanted HIM to use the pebbles himself."

"Okay then," Athos instructed. "Eliwood, your territory is the closest to Bern, is it not?" he asked.

"Yes. Right on the mountains," Eliwood assured.

"Alright." Athos turned towards the large company before him. "Everyone, picture a wide place in Bern...okay, now think of the name of a person you might meet there..."

"Wait, you're going to read our minds and transport us like that?" Hector asked. "I thought you said you couldn't..."

"I never said that I couldn't read minds. I just know things naturally as well." Athos put his hands to his head. "Watch, I'll demonstrate..." He looked towards the party in deep concentration. "You...have to go to the bathroom, but are holding it in so as to look good in front of everyone. It's alright, you can go right now."

"Thank you sir!" Kent shouted, before rushing off to find a toilet.

"You..." Athos continued, searching for another interesting thought. "You have a good heart, but you need to learn when to quit."

"What, what?" Sain asked, while holding a bouquet of flowers to Fiora, to which Fiora responded by holding a spear to his head.

"Let's see, who else..." Athos looked around the room, and scanned the mind of another. He opened his eyes, and raised an eyebrow. "Elevator music?"

"Why am I not surprised?" Dorcas sighed, looking over at Bartre, who was looking around stupidly.

"And you..." Athos looked for one last person, and settled on scanning Kozo's mind. He stopped after a few seconds. "You need serious therapy."

Kozo gave a joking smirk. "If I had a gold coin for every time I heard someone tell me that, I'd be one rich little druid."

"Can we get back to send us home, now?" Eliwood brought up.

"Hmm? Oh, yes," the Archsage acknowledged. "Alright, big place in Pherae, someone you'd hope to meet, ready, go."

"Hey, wa..." Eliwood tried to interrupt, but, in a flash, the entire company was gone.

* * *

Meanwhile, all the way back in Pherae, the noble woman of the keep prayed in her bedroom, a sad expression on her face. "My beloved... I cannot believe you are gone. Every time I close my eyes, I see you at my side. Your memory haunts me, and I am filled with sorrow. ...Elbert... If by some chance you can hear my prayer... Please look after our son."

A suddenly smile appeared on her face. "On a lighter note, thanks again for the location of those silk purple panties. I have been looking for those everywhere, and I hadn't the foggiest idea..."

Suddenly, a loud pop filled the air, and the sound of two bodies hitting the bed and a heavy body hitting the floor soon followed. And that was soon followed by a loud, "Ow! God damnit!"

Eliwood looked up from where he was lying, and saw his mother looking at him, eyes wide. He grinned sheepishly, and waved. "Hey mom."

Elenora blinked twice more, before she broke into a wide grin. "Oh, it is every mother's dream and nightmare to find her son on her bed with a pretty young girl!" she cheered.

"What the...?" Eliwood muttered, before looking to his left.

Lyn smiled back at him jokingly, and waved. "Yo."

Eliwood blushed, and looked back towards his mother. "This isn't what you think! The Archsage Athos used some weird magic to zap us here! I know it sounds crazy, but..."

"My goodness, Eliwood, have you lost weight?" Elenora suddenly asked, pratically ignoring her son'sexplanation,before climbing onto the bed, and patting Eliwood's tummy. "Oh, I remember when this used to bulge out to..."

"Mother!" Eliwood interrupted, blushing to the tips of his ears. Lyn snickered, and Hector chuckled cruelly into the carpet.

"Ah, sorry, dear. You look tired. Come on, let's get you and everyone comfortable for tonight," Elenora insisted, getting off the bed, and making her way towards the door.

"There's no time, mother! We must depart at once for Bern!" Eliwood informed, throwing his legs over the side of the bed.

"Get your feet off my back!" Hector snarled.

"Oh, one night's not going to hurt, Eliwood," Lyn informed, getting off on the other side of the bed. "We're all tired and hungry after walking around in the desert. A night on a soft bed might do us good."

"Well...alright..." Eliwood admitted. He looked towards Elenora, and smiled sheepishly. "I don't suppose you have room for over twenty people, do you?"

"What do you mean?" Elenora asked her son, before she opened the door. Her eyes widened. "Oh...oh my."

Cecil grinned, and waved. "Hello, my name is Cecil, tactician previously under service of House Caelin and now under command of your son..." He gestured towards the large party behind him. "This is the Eliwood Elite. That's Kent, and Sain, and that's Kozo resting in Sain's arms..."

"What the...?" Sain let out, before looking down. Kozo grinned up at him, and waved. The green knight promptly dropped the druid flat, and inched away from him.

Cecil continued his introductions, "Of course, you remember Marcus, Lowen, Isadora, Can...wait, where's Canas?"

* * *

In a large, forested clearing, Canas looked around, incredibly nervous. "I probably shouldn't have thought of that..." he muttered to himself, hopelessly lost.

* * *

Yoshimo brushed off his hands. "And cut. That was beautiful people, nice work." He stood up from his seat, and walked towards the exit to the studio. "Print it, have it ready to be aired later. Everyone go home early, you deserve it."

"Not so fast!" Chibi-Zell demanded in a halting tone. "We still have something to take care of!"

"What do you...oh no," Yoshimo sighed, hoping to have forgotten the required ending to the Gaiden Chapters.

The two, giant wheels fell onto the set, as the two directors walked towards them. "Okay, Yoshimo, you ready?" Chibi-Zell asked.

"No, but I don't think I have much say in this..." Yoshimo reached up, and grabbed one of the wheels, and pulled. "Wheel of Randomosity, whirl whirl whirl. Give us a pairing, and don't make us hurl," he sang.

"I remember a time where you also looked forward to this..." Chibi-Zell pointed out, before spinning the second wheel.

"That was before you and Minoa completely took it over." Yoshimo looked up, and let out a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank god, it's slowing down."

Eventually, the two wheels came to a stop. One the first wheel was Kozo, while on the second...

"Oh you're KIDDING ME!" Erk shouted, stomping in. "Argh, not this shit again! I'm still trying to recover from having to kiss Bartre! I am NOT going to kiss that man!"

"But...but Erk, that's the rules for..." Kozo tried to argue.

"The rules also state," Yoshimo explained, reading off from a sheet of paper, "that if anyone has already been on the wheel once before, they have the right to deny coming on a second time."

"Wha...but that's SO unfair!" Kozo complained. Erk turned with a smirk, and walked away, stepping right past Yoshimo.

"Thanks, man..." he whispered.

"You owe me..." Yoshimo whispered back. "Well," he said in his normal voice, "that's it for this Wheel of Randomosity."

"WHAT?"

"So until next time, I'm Yoshimo..."

"I'm Chibi-Zell..."

"And I was SO ripped off, here!"


End file.
